| New Year's Eve has come and gone, but not without an epiphany of sorts. For on that usually merry eve, I realized what regret really is. I know I'm probably not the only one who spent part of that night thinking about how things have gone wrong. I did find it a little disturbing that the one thing I tried so hard to avoid in my younger years now haunts everyday of my existence. Regret is what's left when there's no one else to blame. It's the residue left from whirling and spinning and flailing aimlessly looking for a scapegoat for your situation. You finally stop and look around and you realize you're the one who put you there. You made the decisions to do this or that, say this, don't say that. And when you realize that no one wronged you but yourself, that sinking feeling in your soul is that hated demon regret. Now there are people who will say something provocative like "regret is worthless" or "living in the past handicaps the future". Well, they're right. However there comes a time in everyone's life when they are going through a down period and need to take stock of just what landed them there. Some are misled by others. They're lied to, tricked, deceived, and the like and are at this place in their lives through no fault of their own. They will move on from this place faster than those who feel responsible for their misery. For when a person feels that responsibility, then the obsession to understand why sets in. They may not ever understand it- they may not try that hard- but when they realize they make a similarly bad decision later on, they immediately come out with gems of wisdom like "Why do I always do that?" And what compounds the need to understand why, is the feeling that where you are will never change. The feeling that you've condemned yourself to your own personal hell by not seeing this, not hearing that, and not doing enough eats away the very core of the human spirit. We want someone to blame. Someone external we can point a finger at and vent all our frustration on because we know we'll feel better. And when that person is ourselves, we have no outlet and anger becomes a useless emotion. So then we ask ourselves "why?". Even though we know the answer deep down: because we're human. We make mistakes. However, those mistakes are unforgivable until happiness sheds light on the sensible part of the soul again. Because who wants to be miserable forever? We all want to be happy. We all believe we deserve happiness. And when it seems like it's unattainable, we need to hold someone accountable. So we go through this internal investigating process, examining just about every possible decision we've ever made that could influence our present state. "This miserable, meager existence can't possibly be my fault? Can it?" And when you've exhausted every option and all the usual suspects turn out innocent, you're left there staring at the mirror with your arm extended forward, your index finger condemning the true culprit- that deep exhale and beginnings of tears is the emergence of regret. The most useless, needless, limiting emotion. But it's also real. And that makes it that much harder to deal with. Take care all, The Rain King 1/10/01 |