| Occasionally in my travels I've come across a peculiar sort of person: the lifelong bachelor. I never understood just how someone could go their whole lives without getting married or starting a family. I felt it was either tragic that they hadn't found anyone or they were homosexual and hadn't come out of the closet yet. Now I understand how a man can end up alone for the rest of his years: loving in vain. Taking stock of my life right now, I find myself still hopelessly attached to someone that has shown no indication of the same feelings in herself. My phone calls are not returned for days. While her life may be busy, it is also true that if you want to talk to someone, you will. So now I find myself feeling emptier than ever because I've waited four years for something that was a figment of my imagination. Something I convinced myself was real has turned out to be nothing but an apparition. And at this moment, I can't see myself ever loving anyone the same. Because now I don't trust myself. I sure as hell don't have any faith in other people. So moving on is pretty much out of the question. Which brings me back to the tragic figure of the lifelong bachelor. I can totally see myself being alone the rest of my life. Sure I may have a couple relationships along the way, but not anything really substantial. I've closed up shop. I gave at the office. I'm all done throwing myself on the wire because this last fall the first week of August was the first without a net. And I'm emotionally paralyzed. It's going to take a woman of extreme character to pull me out of this. I don't think it's fair to ask that of anyone. So I'm content to just live out the remainder of 50+ years left on this planet with no real personal attachment. Maybe "content" isn't the word, but there is no other choice for me. So this is it. Watching everyone around me get on with their lives, while I mind the past. Waiting for someone I know damn well isn't coming home. That's what makes the lifelong bachelor so tragic. Not so much that he loved in vain, but that he loves in vain. He is sentenced to stare off into the horizon with nothing at his side but hope. A hope which he knows is empty, but can't seem to leave behind. The cliche that someone has stolen his heart is not so much a metaphor, but rather solid fact. For he no longer owns it and therefore can't control it. It leads where it wants and he has no choice but to follow it. Even though he knows the circles it leads him in get him nowhere. He still smiles. He's not at all an overly somber fellow. He may just be the life of the party at times. But when the lights fade, and the people all return to their lives, he's left alone. Right where he started, staring at that horizon hoping.... |
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