June seventh
Today I came upon a startlingly peculiar idea. The kind of idea that silently lurks in your unconcious mind and is held there by some protective force. A force that acts as your silent benefactor and protects you from some damaging and evil thought. But toady, today that force had apparently lapsed in its endless duties. The evil thought was allowed to surface. And surface it did, like a hidden entity of enormous weight. But it was fast in occurance, as if it knew that if the silent sentry force would soon be back to push it into the darkness once again. And so this thought, this grand yet terrible thought has now enveloped me and forced me to listen to it. As if it now had taken control of all my thoughts and was the sole possesor of my mind in some mental coup. This idea which surrounded me and enclosed me in some introspective jail cell continues to control me.
I fear that no words can express the emotion that I feel right now. Nothing can begin to explain my grief. My only hope is to disprove what this idea has set down before me, and forced me to willingly listen to. The tables have turned, and the light now shines in the interogaters eye. I am now allowed to try to rip this idea appart, one limb at a time, and show myself that it was false, that it speaks lies. I wish, though, that I could forget it all together, false or true, and go on living like yesterday, innocently and blissfully.
What is this idea that haunts my mind like some devilish rouge? Am I making it up or overestimating its powers? I hope that I am, but deeply fear that what I say is true. So now, after a daunting introduction to such an undescribable entity, I will give the conjecture. Lay it down for you to decide. This problematic idea that has stolen all my capacities is this: After systematically taking away all of my thoughts and mannerisms which were built up inside of me and made me who I was, I was left with nothing but an animal, no better than a trout or an ape. After deconstructing myself and discarding all that was the effect of some infantile desire, or some game manifested in me to produce some hidden goal, I was left with nothing.
I fear that I have lost you and that no one can understand my plight. But I believe that you will all understand, you will all nod in aggreeance when I am through explaining. Or at least you will understand where I made some fatal mistake in my deconstruction. So with out further ado, I will continue with my
story and try to explain this idea to you, in a systematic manner, and then I will imagine a pondering look in your eyes. Yes, although I imagine a pondering look, I also hope that you will not understand, for that is the only true way to feel no pain, in innocence lies the key to this jail cell of mine.
I came upon this idea late last night. I had just been out to eat with a friend, it is inconsequential who, and we had parted ways. The walk home, I remember, was a nice one. Filled with thoughts about the greeness of the grass, or the funny way that burned out neon signs always spelled some undecernable word. The particular thoughts were also very inconsequential. However, right before I entered my appartment, something that my friend had said to me earlier hit me. We had come to argue about a certain question, Would you live alone on a stranded island for five years for a million dollars? I say that we argued, but that isn't really so, it was more of a difference of opinion. He had said to me that no amount of money in the world could intice him to do such a thing. He felt that the lack of companionship would kill him. He thought that to live alone was to not live at all. My contention was quite different. I am and probably always will be an introvert. Confined to my mind like a prisoner who happily suffers his punishment. I calmly replied that there would actually be no need at all for the million dollars, just as long as they allowed my to bring some food and other vital things so I needn't fear an untimely death. This shocked him so, and this is the thought that I was now stuck on, not twenty yards from my door.
It wasn't actually that it shocked him that I silently thought about. It wasn't that expresion on his face that lasted only a second but betrayed his true feelings. No it was how I reacted to that look that made me keep on walking past my appartment into the blackness of the night. It was a feeling that I found revolting that made the sit down on a bench in the darkest corner of the darkest park. And there I sat, for seemed like an eternity, deconstructing myself over this one feeling. You see, when he silently betrayed himself and was shocked and appaled that I would allow myself to be in solitude for five years, I could see a look that I only now realize was quite often a goal of all my conversations. The look that he did not understand what I meant or was thinking. And it made me extremely happy to see it. I was happy that he was taken aback. Now, this may not seem like an uncommon thing, deffinitely not something that fits the description given to it above. But to me, who was so against bragging and so against doing anything to simply please another person, this was a horrible realization. Had I said that just to obtain his reaction?
It was true that I felt that way about the island. I truly wouldn't mind it and think that I would actually like it. Or so I thought. This was the first step in the deconstruction. Would I actually enjoy that? Maybe, maybe not, but there was one thing that I know I would enjoy, and that was the expression that I knew I would receive when I told everyone about it. Yes, it would be even better than that look when I simple answered a question. It would be a look of respect yet uneasiness. People would regaurd me as odd and eccentric, but would wonder if I was so sane that I knew myself better than they knew themselves. It would be like a base form of bragging that is very hidden. The kind that you do and almost not even know it. The most perfect form of a braggart, that is not even having to do the actual bragging oneself, but having everyone else come upon the thought that you were in some way superior on there own.
I proved that this was true in one simple way. I again asked myself a question, slightly modified. Would you allow yourself to be moved to an island, totally isolated in every way shape or form, with out means to communincate with anyone, in the present or future, for the rest of your life. For if I actually like to be alone, then this should have been heaven to me, it should have been my perfect attainment. Not only should I answer yes to such a question, but I should almost instantaneously answer yes. I couldn't answer yes, though, not quickly or after deliberation. This was my proof. This was the fuel for the contemplation that took place in my mind from then till now. I fear that it will have stamina, this thought that haunts me and continues to be reiterated.