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June 28, 2005 So today the doctor took a scapel and scrapped all the dead skin off my foot. Boy that hurt like the dickens. And how does a dickens hurt you might ask, well go find Charles and ask him. I made cookies today. Little butterfly and flower sugar cookies. I've always loved making sugar cookies b/c I love using cookie cutters. So I made a whole batch of them. Mostly b/c I want to bring some to Kelly and Siegi tomorrow to welcome them to their new house. Then mom and I went out for dinner at Bostin Pizza at the Pen Center. Then we went shopping and mom bought me a book. Book 11 in the Series Of Unfortunate Events. (I will be up sooo late tonight lol!!) Then mom and I watched "The Perfect Man." I really like that movie, it was cute and the actors were good. It was really neat hanging out with mom today. I love talking to her about my problems. She has great things to say sometimes. Insight that I never would have thought about on my own. I suppose alot of that comes from experience. So all in all it was a decent day. Tomorrow I'm going over to Kelly's house. (it's within walking distance now! lol!) I'll probably help her do some unpacking. (if she's not done by now lol) I was thinking about Kelly and I today, and I just came to realize how much I really appricate her. She's such an awesome person. I'm so glad she's my female best friend. She understands the girly things lol! Make up, dressing up, boy troubles. (big oi on that one) I'm so glad that God put her in my life, He brought her around when I really needed somebody. Somebody to lean on. Thanks hunny. So been feeling weird recently, not sure why. I guess I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of things that I need to change about myself. I know, I know, take it one thing at a time but sometimes I get curious to see how I'm doing on my "list" so I take a look and go wow. Mostly b/c there is so much left to do!! But it's not all bad b/c today I realized that I have done alot this past while. I mean look how far I've come since last year? I'm involved in my church again, in a healthy relationship with a boy. (I know, me, normal boy relationship, freaky) I have made new friends. Last year I had stopped reaching out to people. I've gotten my finaces back on track. I mean like I'm so totally on track that I will totally make it!! There was a while there where mom wasn't sure if I was gonna make it. I mean I'm thinking about my future again, I'm going to school this September. I can handle better people speaking the truth to me. But I still have a lot to change. And no, it's not all physical (a bunch of it is but not all), I want to be more caring and considerate. I wish I wasn't so afraid to reach out to people. I get so scared sometimes. People tend to freak me out first time I meet them. I wish I didn't care that everybody I met had to like me. It has potential to get bad for me, cuz then I cater and change to what people want so they like me. (hence last year and all the crap that I got into!) I mean I just want to improve myself b/c I know how much still needs to be changed. So I guess my next one is to work on my judgementalness problem. I will continue to pray about it. Tootles!
June 26, 2005 So today Grant and I helped Kelly and Siegi move a few streets down from me!! Totally excited!! She's like a 10 minute walk from my house!! How sweet is that? VERY!! Lol. The house is really nice too, I can't wait to see what it's gonna be like when everything is unpacked and set up. They already painted it and everything. I mean they want to redo the kitchen and the basement needs to be finished but it's looking good. I'm just so excited that she's gonna be living so close to me.
So I'm here with Charlene, say hi Charlene. Hi Yup, hung out with her at the Barron's today. There was a whole bunch of us there. Johnny is pretty. Okay Charlene, anyways we all hung out there for the evening. It was good. I had a busy day today. But it was good. So I talked to Grant yesterday about previous journal entry and apparantly there was some crossed wires as to what he actually meant by things. What I wrote is how I feel about the word judgemental. So when I asked Grant if I was that and he said yes that is what came to mind. Grant said that if he knew THAT was what I thought the word meant he would not have said yes. Basically the bottom line is that I need to learn how to tell people things without hurting their feelings. Kinda learning to be more gracious. I can live with that. I mean part of the reason this whole thing hit me so hard was b/c I'm usually fairly self aware and this took me by surprise b/c I hadn't even noticed it. But this isn't the case so I guess I was kidna right? I'm feeling less confused. I still need to do some more inner searching and figure out how to be more gracious and more caring. I mean I'm always up to hearing things that I can improve, but usually I know what the person is gonna say. So I need to watch and think before I speak. But I already knew that. The only problem is actually doing it b/c it's kinda hard for me b/c I basically say what's on my mind. But I think I can beat this, actually I know I can! So G'night!
June 24, 2005
I wish I could see myself the way others do. B/C then I think I would change a lot of things about me. Of recent I had a friend basically tell me that I'm cruel when I state my opinions b/c I'm very strong on what I think. Bascially saying I'm judgemental. So I talked to Grant about it, I said "do you think I'm judgemental?" and he said "yes". That led into like a half hour talk, well him talking and me crying over the phone. That same night earlyer Amanda Fuller lent me a book about relationships and how to do "one anothering". Today I read the back of the book and it went on to say about how this book will help you overcome being judgemental and how to be caring. The last straw was when I was driving home and I happened to read the sign of my old church and it said "when we judge people we don't have time to love them." Wow, I get the message God. So, here I am so confused, hurt, lost. I don't know what to do to fix this. I think I used to be even more judgemental before b/c I used to critize people on the streets based on what they were wearing. And I stopped doing that. But it's not enough. I guess in my mind how is it different if I think something but don't say it. Aren't you still being judgemental then? But Grant explained it's in how you present things to people. I guess I haven't been doing a very good job loving people. That hits me right in the heart b/c it's the core of who I am. To come across as being somebody who is judgemental is so harsh and hard for me to come to terms with. And I don't know how to fix it, I can't think of how to make it better. It's like finding out something is seriously wrong with you and nobody said anything. Why didn't anybody tell me earlyer? If you saw it why wouldn't you say something? I've also had to come to terms with some ways of how I grew up. Growing up in a Mennonite Church in Virgil breeds snobism and a judgemental attitude. I remember in youth groups we used to in a "righteouss" way of course put down, talk about, whatever you want to call it, certain types of people. We would feed off of eachother, it would escalate. I now realize that if anybody who was involved with whatever we felt was wrong at the time came into the room they would have been ripped to shreds. I'm not saying that biblical what I belive is wrong, b/c I have talked to my counseller about certain issues and she agrees with me. But I'm totally judgeing people without even realizing it. I mean look at the way Jesus hung out with "sinners" and just loved them. Why can't I do that? I'm really down right now and really upset and I don't know where to go from here.
June 23, 2005
So you'd think that my boyfriend would know when his car is running low on gas right? Well apparantly he doesn't. *gives pointed look at Grant* So we ate lunch again today, he wanted to go to McDonalds so we went through the drive through. On our way back (right out front of McDonalds) at the red light his car ran out of gas!! So I called work and got Jen to send somebody to get us, so a guy comes and picks us up. Then Grant had to buy a jerry can for gas so I take him to the gas station and then back to his car. I was 45 minutes late coming back from my lunch. It was really funny!! I couldn't stop laughing, I told Grant it would make a great story to tell people later. I don't think he was so keen on that idea. lol!!
So Grant and I had lunch together on our 3 month. I made us lunch. (and no comments b/c I know how to cook :P) He also bought me a chocolate popsicle and 3 baby red Gerber Dasies. They smell beautiful and they are georgeus!! Then when he finally got to my house, (his meeting went late :() then we went for a walk on the beach lol (yes I know exactly how that sounds lol!!) But it was good. I had a good time. Maybe next time we can do something in the evening instead of the night. Hmm, just an idea ;). lol, j/k baby.
So I learned something about myself, sometimes learning new things is hard but if we never learn how can we grow? We need to be open to truths about ourselves. Yeah it sucks but we become better people b/c of it. Okay I'm outie!
June 21, 2005
So back a few months ago we had a series on "The Money Monster" at church and the thing I remember most is the pastor telling us that God says to test Him on the whole tithing issue. So I did. Things have worked out so amazingly!! I managed to pay my dad off, I was working tons of overtime (my job doesn't usually allow for overtime) my folks totally came through with the Cleveland money, my OSAP covers $1,800 more then I need for school (paying off my credit card) and here's the best of all!! I got a raise this week. I totally trusted God and took Him up on his challenge and he totally came through. He's giving me back so much more then I tithe to Him. It's so awesome to see God work in such obivious ways.
Well today was an intresting day. I went to the bank and paid the $150 that I needed to for school, went to the doctors, had Grant and Joanne over. April and Mikey came over. (mommy and April made strawberry jam today, yummy!) Intresting yes it was.
So tomorrow is Grant and mine's 3 month anniversary. I can't believe we've been dating that long. He is so special to me, I feel so lucky to have him. Thanks baby for everthing that you do for me. So since Grant is currently working like around the corner from me (how very nice) were doing lunch together tomorow. (I'm making it :D) Then were hanging out later on that night. But on Monday it was so sweet b/c I wasn't expecting him at all and he stopped by for my lunch break. Then he got to meet a whole bunch of my coworkers. And he even stopped by after work! He's such a sweetie!! *muah*
June 17, 2005
So I'm going on a missions trip to Cleveland. It costs $650 and I have no money avaliable right? So I was totally trusting God that he would provide. So what I did was write out letters asking for money. Mom finally came home from being with dad and I gave my letter to her. (the first person I've given the letter to) And she tells me that her and daddy are using their tithe to pay for my whole thing. One of the fundraisers I'm involved in is "Hiring a Student". And my name is on the "to hire" list. So basically mommy is gonna hire me for a while to pay it off! Which is awesome b/c now I have all the money for it!! I was kinda worried about it but it's totally worked out. God is soo awesome that way. It's not a very big group coming from our church but were also going with the Eden team. I'm really excited about it, I haven't done any missions for a while. And for that matter I've never been to Cleveland and time off work is always a good thing lol. (even if I do miss Grant's birthday :() I really want to work with the children when I go down there. I'm soo looking forward to it. We leave July 7th, and I'll be back on the 17th. So don't look for me cuz I won't be there. (but do expect postcards lol!)
So we had our last youth night this Tuesday. It was fun. So I thought that maybe I'd have Tuesdays free now, not really. Some of the kids from youth want to hang out Tuesday nights now. I think it's cute. Taylor was like "We can hang out next Tuesday right?" How could I say no? So it'll most likely be Taylor, Brian and I. Fun. 14 year old boys, there soo hyper sometimes. But they are special to me.
So I had my first real worship pratice last night. It was awesome to actually sing with the band, microphone on and all. Now before you all ask me when I'll be up on a Sunday I don't know. I asked the leader and the thing is were not sure. We have to work on blending our voices, on me being comfortable with the band with me being confident. And I totally understand that. So the answer is, soonish. I'll let you know, don't worry. I just won't be up there one week. (seeing as my mom told Grandma and she wants to come, as do April and Mikey lol) *starts singing*
June 14, 2005
So I had a great weekend!! I bought a new bathing suit, and went swimming twice!! (I LOVE to swim!!) I hung out with Charlene at the Barron's for most of Saturday (that was fun!) except Charlene can't swim, and Rod tried to throw her in. Until I was screaming from the other end of the pool that she can't swim. Sunday my cousin Aaron got baptised, I was sooo excited for that b/c I've been like waiting forever for him to make that step. He even mentioned me in his testomony. "My cousin inspired me to become a Christian. She said I would go to hell if I didn't." And it's true, that is exaclty what I said. I was like 8 or 9 at the time!! I was scared that Aaron wouldn't be in heaven with me. So after the baptisim we all went to Auntie Linda's house. That was fun, Grant and I played air hockey. I won the first set (dad can't belive that Grant lost to me lol) and Grant won the second set. Then we went mini-putting, shoe shopping (don't worry we were only looking), dinner at Swis Chalet and then went to see "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" (great movie!!). It was such an awesome day spent with him. And then we picked up Joanne and played Blurt at Grant's house with his brothers and his dad. Here is something I've realized about Grant. We mostly tie with most games that we play. Were basically even matched. I always win at Rebound, and he mostly wins at pool. (I saw mostly b/c I beat him yesterday :D) Were both competitive which makes it a lot of fun. I'm glad that he's not too easy to beat, it would take all the fun out of it. *smile*.
Today I hung out with Cody which was really good for us. Not that we were having problems but something just wasn't feeling right. But it's fixed now and it feels natual again and I'm soo happy about that. Cuz I missed what Cody and I had, and it's back again. :D We went swimming at her house today. Sat outside and enjoyed eachother. It was awesome. Then I had youth and we had a great time. I really like the kids. Anyways I'm outie.
June 11, 2005
So remember that thunderstorm we had the other day? Well my dog Weaver
So I got a new bathing suit. I really like it, it's a two peice, a halter style top and bottoms. It fits well and covers everything as well. So I went swimming with Grant yesterday and I went swimming for most of the afternoon today. (I am soo totally burnt!!) But it was great fun. So yeah, Charlene and Johnny are going out!! Crazy eh? So our group has like 4 couples in it. (and techincally Grant and I started it although we all know Cody and Kevin have been "dating" since January) It's totally changed the dynamics of the group but it's a lot of fun. Grant and I inadvertly had a double date with Cody and Kevin Friday night. Grant and I went to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith (great movie by the way) and we saw Cody and Kevin there so we sat with them. That was soo cool. Today was fun. I hung out with Charlene and then we went to the Barron's to go swimming and then they had their small group over for a BBQ and we stayed for that. More swimming and good food. Anyways I'm really tired (loads of swimming and a sun burn so I'm gonna head out!! Tootles!!
June 9, 2005
So this week has been me going through a wringer. The beginning of the week I was dealing with Grant moving to Toronto, I had a really hard time. Today I found out that he's not moving, the job didn't work out. I had finally come to terms with it and now he's not going. Just two complete opposite ends of the spectrum. (Hunny, I'm so sorry, if there is anything I can do for you don't hesitate to let me know okay?) I realized through all of this that I need to pray more about Grant and I. Like how I used to pray about us before we started dating. God is in charge of our relationship and why should I be worried about Grant moving away if God's in charge? I think how upset I felt made me realize that I needed to pray more. So today I did a lot of praying and people were all so supportive and encouraging to me. (thanks guys) And I took what my couseller taught me and did my best to put it into practice. I kept myself busy doing things that were positive (lol, good advice Shane cuz that was what I was doing :D) I mean the house looks wonderful! lol.
So I finally got to see Kelly again! Yeah!! I can't wait till she moves out! She's gonna be like around the corner from me practically. I hadn't seen her in so long, it was really good. I love Kelly, Siegi and Kenzie. There gonna make such a great family.
Shane, dude thank you. You are so awesome. Thank you for your e-mail. Thank you for knowing and acting on it right away. I don't know what I would do without you. I think sometimes I take you for granted and I am soo sorry. You are soo important to me, I really love you. Well I need to go get mail from April's house. Stuff about school and what not. Laters.
June 6, 2005
So my boyfriend is moving to Toronto. Yup, he got this awesome job in his field. So he will be moving there this week. I am very happy for him, really I am. So why did I start crying when I heard? When I found out I was smiling and crying at the same time. At the time Johnny, Charlene and Joanne were all at my house eating lunch and they all looked at me. It was like they were waiting for me to have a melt down. But I held it in. I don't really want to start blubbering in front of people. It's not like I won't ever see him again. But I tend to maximize things. So I'm upset about this right now but I think when I get into a pattern of things I'll be okay. I just don't deal with change very well. I never have. That is something that God has been teaching me my whole life. So to my baby, I'll miss you, good luck in the T-dot.
So I really don't like using eletric mowers. Oh I fought the lawn and I WON!! The meadow is no more!! But it took using April's crappy eletic mower. It took some geting used to. I didn't run over the cord at all! Mom and Dad will be happy to see it so short when they get back. This is the first time it's been cut this year lol!! Nice eh? But I really had the urge to keep busy so I figured I should do something productive.
Currently reading "The Hitch Hickers Guide to the Galaxy". That's a really funny book. I love the random humour in it. There are some awesome lines in it. Like god's last message to creation. (don't worry I won't spoil it) But it's funny. I recommend it to everybody. Well I need to shower, I'm gross and whatnot. Tootles!
June 3, 2005
So my mommy went on the road with my dad again. I think she said their going to Mississippi this time. But they won't be back until next Thursday anyways. *evil laugh*. Party at, oh wait, I'd have to clean up afterwards wouldn't I? Lol. So I had my first worship pratice yesterday. Their really funny!! I was laughing like the whole time!! I'm going again next week and then I'll probably start singing with them and give us all a chance for our voices to blend. And then I'll be up on stage!! Wow, I can't belive it's actually happening. I've always wanted to be a part of a worship band. I was for a bit at Cornerstone but then they stopped asking me. That hurt me a lot at the time but I think it was needed in the long run. So here I am actually ready to be in a worship band to worship God, not b/c I want people to hear me sing. Oober excited!!
So, Grant is so awesome! I was having an eposide of sorts I suppose you could say on Thursday night. (I know why now, but the reason is silly and I will not let myself be carried away by my emotions again like that :P) I was kinda upset Thursday night I needed to spend time with somebody. I had asked Grant if he had wanted to come over or go do something but he seemed tired so he declined, which was okay b/c I totally understood. But I needed to go out and do something. So as I was dropping Shane off (who was worried about me, oi) I got a phone call from Charlene who was at the Barron's and she was wondering if Grant was with me b/c she needed a ride home. So I told her that I was in the neighbourhood and I would take her home. So when I was at the Barron's Grant was there and we all got to talking (all being, Grant, Charlene, Dan and I) and as it turns out we stayed there till like 1:30. Grant was awesome, he was just there, he was strength to me. That's what I needed, cuz I couldn't figure out why I was so upset and just being around him calmed me down. He's so great at calming me down. And I love the fact that he can handle me b/c so many people can't and I have to limit myself around people sometimes. But I don't have to with him. That's such a relief to me. I feel like I can be myself around him and it's okay if somedays I have moods. Sorry but this is such a huge deal to me!
So tomorrow I get to hang out with Sara!! I haven't seen her since Christmas time!! I'm really excited! She gets to meet Grant. I think she told me that if he ever hurt me... Lol, I think quite a few people have told that to Grant. And I remember him saying that if he ever hurt me he would stand in line to get beat up lol.
Sometimes it's amazing how God can bless a day. On Thursday as mentioned I wasn't doing so well. I wanted to hit something, or somebody which ever came first. So kinda in the back of my mind I asked for encouragment. For starters I went out for lunch with Jen. I really enjoy going out for lunch with her. She's funny and we get along really well. Now as I was at Value Mart I saw Briar!! I was sooo excited!! I haven't seen Briar since November!! I miss her so much! So I told her I would call her on the weekend to get together next week. Then Forrest came in and I'm babysitting on Sunday and it's also Jessica's birthday so that will be fun. Then Kelly and Siegi came into work. I love those two soo much. They defaintly helped brighten my bad day. So God totally blessed my bad day. I love how He does that.
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