February 27, 2005 Well I think that I shouldn't spend so much time cooped up at home. This is what I realized, I get cabin fever and then I go CRAZY! Then when I actually hang out with people I get majorly hyper. It's kinda weird. But I had a good day yesterday. Got up, went on the internet. (like seriously I have spend SOOO much time on the net in the past 4 days) Then Grant called me and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said yes of course, and then realized that I was in my pj's and hadn't had a shower yet. Lol, so yea, quickly got ready. Then he worked on my computer even more. (she's kinda sick right now :( ) Then Kevin calls me and asks if I want to play pool. So I bring Grant over to Cam's and we played pool for a while. I was actually the only person to win a game. So the score was -2 to -1 for the girls. :) And it's all b/c of me, the Pool Princess. *basks in her own glory* lol! Then Grant and I went to my place, Grant fell asleep and I watched tv. Then movie group came over. We watched the Wedding Singer. I like that movie, it's funny. Today after chuch were having our Small Group potluck. I'm bringing angel food cake. Yummmy. *starts drooling*. With chocolate icing and strawberries all around it. *is tempted to take a slice right now* So this has defaintly been an intresting week. I've learned some intresting things about myself. I'm trying to change my thinking. It's been 15 years of thinking one way and now I'm trying to fix it. I never realized how much I put myself down, or how many times I get anxious about stuff. Currently I feel kinda overwhelmed. I keep catching myself and sometimes I feel like I'm never gonna get it. But all I can do is pray eh? I mean I used to get soo anxious about things that I couldn't eat for weeks, I would break out into hives I was a wrek emotionally. (Shane can attest to this, oi, remember Darle last year?) I can only control my thoughts and my reactions. I can only deal with what I can do. The rest is up to God. That was very freeing hearing Anita say that (my counseller). If I don't have to think/worry about what other people are gonna do. Wow. That would also help me to not be as self conscisous b/c I don't need to worry about what other people think about me. Right now it's taking a lot of work. And please guys, if you see me be anxious or put myself down, please remind me not too. I'm sick of the way I am right now and with help I want to change that. And God is changing me on the inside, I can feel it. I can't wait until it shows. You know what? I'm not half bad lol! February 25, 2005 Well yesterday I wasn't bored!! Yea!! You see Cody spent the whole day with me! It was a blast. It was quite the day. First of all after we finally got up and out of bed and dressed and all. We went to Wimpy's for brunch. Then we needed to go to the Pen, but here's the problem, my knee was still hurting. (Cody kept calling me Sir Gimpsalot, I told her it was Lady Gimpsalot) So at the Pen we got me a wheelchair. Lol, now there is nothing quite like being pushed around the Pen Centre in a wheelchair. Espically when Cody is wearing boots that have no traction. It's a miracle that when she was pushing me up ramps that she didn't slip and I didn't run her over backwards. Lol!! "Will dance for money."-Saved Then after the Pen we went back to her house and hung out. Got some sad news :(. So Cody, Kevin and I hung out at Kevin's house and watched "Exit to Eden". Not bad, pretty funny. It was a great day. Then today I had my eye doctors appotiment and I got a new prescption and I got new glasses!! Now they don't come in till next week!! (oi I hate waiting!) Then my dad and I drove to Toronto b/c his big truck is in Toronto getting something added to it. So he drove my car up (hurt knee remember) and I drove my car back down. But it was good, all the way up me and dad talked. I hadn't seen him in about 2 weeks so it was fun. Then I've been hanging out on the internet all afternoon, kinda getting bored again. Espcially b/c I don't have any plans for tonight. Well tootles!! February 23, 2005 I'M BORED!!!!! I am slowly going crazy!!!! Crazy going slowly am I!! Okay, let me explain. I am currently sitting in the computer room with my leg on the desk and an ice pack on it. Yup, I injuried myself. The doctor said I contuzed my knee. Which means I bruised the bone. I had to get x-rays and the whole deal. The x-ray lady was soo funny, and very helpful too. It hurts like the dickens. I don't want to move it. I got up this morning and walked upstairs, almost cried. I had to drive myself to the doctors this morning, had to walk in there by myself. So where are the white knights when you ACTUALLY need them!!!! Oh sure, their always there saying they'll beat somebody up for you b/c they hurt you, but where are they when you actually get hurt. It doesn't do much good after the fact. Then it's just revenge and that's wrong. Lol, my gosh I had a 14 year old give me the "white knight syndrome" last night at youth. Soo funny and cute too. He helped me to my car (I hurt my knee at youth last night). He made a smart remark about how he likes the whole "domainace" thing and I made a smart remark about Darle. He offered to beat him up for me. Then I got my scrapper out, and he said he would do it for me. And honestly for that I was very grateful. Cuz the thought of walking around my car scrapping it made me cringe. So here's the story as to how I did it. Ready for this. I fell, I tripped over my own two feet during a game of British Bull Dog and fell. I iced it all last night. I'm off work till Monday. So today since I got back from the doctors, I've been icing my leg, ate Kraft dinner and played games on the internet. SOOOOO BORED!!! And I can't really do much of anything for the next few days. Please come visit me people!! This sucks!!! Well I guess this is a chance for me to kick back for a while. Hmmm. It's funny b/c you all know me and know how I like to be out doing things all the time. And now I can't. Although a bright spot, Cody might sleep over tonight. Cuz I'm not doing anything tomorrow. Well I think I've finally come up with something that might describe me. A Tomboy Princess. Think about it. I'm the kinda girl who loves to go out and play rugby and get muddy from head to toe! But I could turn around, have a shower and dress up totally fancy, the heels everything and go to a ball and I would love them both!! This way I feel I can incorporate everything. lol, I'm a little bit of everything! :D Well peace out! February 21, 2005 Well for those of you who are curious, yes I did go get my chip fix yesterday lol. I wanted chips so badly that I drove out in a snowstorm to get them, dude I had to brush my car off before I could leave lol! But it was totally worth it. Gucamole Doritos (ate those last night) and I bought Tostio's Scoops. Ate those today. Yummy. Today work went well. My attitude about work has totally changed and that excites me. I don't get so frustrated anymore about things that used to be the "bane of my existence". Now I just don't care b/c I realize that they aren't important. Most days I go out for lunch with this girl from work named Jen. It's really fun, she's such a nice girl and tons of fun. She's a hard worker and she's not pretentious. She makes me laugh. We go to Value Mart everyday. I get a meatball sub, diet coke and potatoe wedges everyday lol. But it's sooo good!! I really like her, she has been a huge help for me at work and I don't even think she realizes it. Then after work I went online and Shane came on!! Yea!! It was awesome, I got to chat with him for a while. Were hanging out from 4 to 7 tomorrow. (oi, it's the only time I have avaliable) But at least I managed to find time. Then Charlene came on, and were going out Thursday night after small group for bubble tea. My life is VERY busy right now. But this is how I like it. Tonight I watched RAW at Kevin's house. It wasn't too bad, HBK and Orton won their match. And Batista is staying at RAW and he totally knocked Triple H into a table and broke it. (I REALLY don't like Triple H) So I think Evolution is dead. *crosses fingers hoping it is* What is wrong with me?! Argh!! I guess sometimes I just do stupid dumb stuff and I don't even realize it. I am trying guys, honest. I do know that change takes time and that it needs to come from the inside out. But once in a while I get discouraged. And their are some outward things that I need to change as well. And it's not bad to want to change them, it's how you go about doing it and why you want to do it. I've decided that I just want to be healthy. I'm so sick of late night binges and eating junk (ie last night's 7 Eleven run) and then I'm sick of crash dieting or not eating for a week at a time. I'm sick of not eating enough vegetables. I just want to be healthy. I don't think I would be inappropriate if I lost lots of weight, I don't really have that desire anymore. I won't make that mistake again. I'm just sick of my eating habits and I want to change them. And I've been praying about it and I think God wants me to be heatlthy. I used to desire to be majorly skinny but I've realized that isn't healthy either. So yeah, why can't I just do anything right? Oh yeah, I'm human. February 20, 2005 I really want some chips right now. Don't know why, I'm just really craving them. I think when I'm done writing this I'm going to the 7 Eleven. Lol, the past few days have been much better!! I had a bad day on Friday, but I really stopped and thought about why I was upset and what was really going on inside. This is what I came up with. I have a fear of being left behind, or being forgotten or just plain being left out. (it happned a lot when I was younger) So I panic when I'm alone for too long or when I make plans with people and they get cancelled or when people are late. So I freak out and people don't understand why I get defensive or why I bug. So I'm gonna work on that. Now that you all know perhaps you can help by giving me times or what not and I will try hard to not freak out. And I am getting a lot better with spending time by myself. I'm actually doing it more now. I used to feel upset/freak out if I was like home before 10:00 pm. Cuz last year I don't think I EVER left Darle's house before midnight. Some nights I'm home at 9:30 and I stay home for the rest of the night and I'm fine with that. I've actually wanted to have alone time b/c I had things that I needed to do. Like laundry or cleaning. So I'm doing a lot better. It also doesn't hurt to have great friends! :D So on Saturday Grant, Cody, Kevin and I watched Run Away Bride. That's a good movie. I love the dress that she wears at the VERY end. Beautiful!! We all hung out at my place till like 2! It was sweet. Then today I went to church, it was good. It was about Giving. Something that I had told my mom that I wanted to start budgeting for but haven't gotten around to actually doing it. But I like what he said about how God will defaintly enable you to live off of 90% more then you could with 100%. So I'm gonna try it. (which means you have too as well Shane, a deal's a deal) Then after church I went to mom's for lunch. Then one of the girl's that I babysit for had a speech contest out in Old Town. Her speech was entitled "My Mom and Her Angry Gall Bladder". It was soo cute and totally funny as well. She won first prize too!! And she was so excited that I came. I enjoyed it. I got to learn things. Then I got a phone call from John on the way home, always a bonus. I bugged him about how he made Cody cry. He's never gonna live that down. Then later Grant came over and fixed our computer!! (yea!! Thanks Granty!!) And me and Grant watched Constantine. It's actually really good. I enjoyed quite a lot. I applied to college. (so Cody and Grant you can offically stop bugging me about it now) I applied for EA (Education Assistant) for this upcoming September. I payed the fee and they already have my transcript from last time. Here's hoping I get in. I really want to go!! I'm excited! I just have to pay off some credit cards and apply for OSAP and I'm all set!! So yeah, my weeks already booked up. :p My gosh, it's only Sunday and I don't have any free time till like next Sunday. Monday is RAW, Tuesday I have counselling and then youth, Wednesday I'm chilling with Aaron, Thursday is Small Group, Friday I have an appt in the morning (getting new glasses!!) and I work till 9, Saturday is movie group, and Sunday is church. So if you wanna hang out, umm, call me? I'm free Tuesday afternoon and most evenings after like 10 ish. Well ta ta for now! February 18, 2005 Today was just one of those days. I woke up with a sore throat and my stomach hurt all day. I had a bad hair day, oi. I had my PMA (pre-menstrual acne :p) plus I got my brows waxed and I totally had a reaction to it!! And for no good reason I just felt sad, kinda down. I wasn't depressed I just had an off day I guess. My friends were a big help (thanks for the phone call guys) and I appricated the time that you came over and watched movies with me. (thanks for the cuddles Cody) I almost feel bad about feeling this way, I have so much going for me. Unexplainable sadness, story of my life. Why can't I just do one thing right? I get so frustrated by my failures!! It's like I'm beating my head against a brick wall! It's pointless, useless and I only hurt myself. Argh!!!! So blah to today. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. February 15, 2005 Well I had a good Valentines Day this year. Funny b/c I wasn't expecting anything at all. And then I got all that stuff from John, then Grant bought me a candy necklace and Shane bought me chocolate. Lol. Awwww, thanks guys!! You all make me feel special. Last night Shane, Grant and I watched Chicken Run (funny, funny movie!!) and Police Academey 2. (number 1 wasn't in) We just hung out at my place and ate chips and talked. (oh good luck on your test today Grant) It was fun. Why do girls get so down on Valentines Day? I dunno, I guess b/c when you're single you feel that nobody likes you or thinks your special. Well aren't I lucky? I'm single but I have great friends that make me feel special. :D So I finished the book on anger that I was reading. I learned quite a few things from it. Like when I get upset to stop and think about why I'm getting upset and try to find the source. I've also learned to be honest with people. I tend to keep it inside when I'm upset with somebody. But then it just builds up inside and then one day *pop* I explode and it's not pretty! Lol, it's like the move Anger Management, I am the cashier! (it's even funnier b/c my job is a cashier) I have my second couselling session today. Were gonna start the Steps to Freedom. I'm excited to learn how to deal with things! Well that's it for now! Peace out! February 13, 2005 *Big Sigh*. I am a very happy girl right now. A dear friend (John) just made my Valentines. Even though he is in Quebec he still planned this big thing for us 3 girls (Cody, Charlene and I) I got 3 red roses, chocolate, candies and a sweet letter and poem written about me. Plus he called us today. (that's when we opened the stuff) It was soo sweet! To be honest that's the first time I've ever been given roses before, first time I've been given ANYTHING on Valentines Day. I don't know how to describe how I feel. I feel very blessed to have a friend like him. John thank you soo much! You made me feel special and I really appricate that. I thank God that he has put you in my life. Happy Valentines Day ya'll!!! *muah* So after all that we (being Cody, Kevin and I) wrote a letter to John together. It's quite funny lol. We like have a converstation while we were writing it. Then we had a nap thingie. Then we went to my house and watched First Daughter, not too bad. And then we watched Save The Last Dance. I LOVE that movie!! My gosh, the dancing in that movie is amazing. I love her routine that she does for her audition! It's nuts!! But pretty sweet!! So yeah, I'm over sensitive. I'm trying to work on that. It's gotten so bad!! I mean last night I freaked out on Shane. I had to write him a sorry e-mail before I went to bed b/c I was unjustly upset at him. And then today at lunch Cody and I had a thing. I mean were totally cool now but she was right though. I do get defensive far too easy. But I'm not totally sure how to relax. Sometimes I feel so dumb, and that people are looking down on me. (not you guys, just in general) I dunno, I guess I need to be more secure. I do know that I have amazing friends (I love all you guys!!) and an awesome family (love you too!!). I have tons going for me, so why do I get upset? I hope my couselling will help. Were gonna go through steps to freedom. I'm finally gonna learn how to actually deal with things. Cuz I don't think that I ever actually deal with things, I just kinda push them away. So I still have issues with things from years ago. When I still hold on to hurt from high school, from grade school, I've got problems. I want to be free of all of this!! I want to live my life away from all that bondage! And I think I'm finally getting the help that I needed. I'm excited. Well I'm signing off! Tootles! Febraury 12, 2005 S'up ya'll!! Lol, let's see what has happened of recent? Well on Thursday I hung out with Kevin and Cody and we did... nothing. Lol, it was awesome. We just hung out at Cody's house. Oh we did make a stop at the Shoppers, lol, we actually spend a bunch of time there. I got to walk around in my "clappy" shoes as Kevin so named them. I really like these shoes lol. Great for doing salsa moves. *starts dancing around the computer room*. Yesterday I hung out with Grant. It was fun we played 2 games of Euchre. But were tied a game a peice. :p, I must beat him!! Sorry, I'm just a tad bit competive. Then we watched Karate Kid. I like that movie, I had actually never seen it but now I have. Then he wanted me to watch Army of Darkness. And I was hesitant at first, until he menotioned that Bruce Cambell is in it! Then I was like "I'm in!". So we watched that movie, it's funny! "Groovy.." It just used all these cheesy lines, it was great. Then last night Cody slept over. We slept in till 10:00, ahh it felt soo nice lol. Then I painted my nails as we watched Priates of the Caribean. Then we realized we were hungry or as Cody put it "my stomach is eating itself". So we went to Perkins. Had a great talk. I finally asked her what she meant when she called me vanilla. Turns out it wasn't what I thought it meant, which was good b/c the way I took it was something that I didn't want to be. She proceeded to ask me as I was drinking my diet coke. "do you do anything normal?" and I was like "no". Apparantly I drink my coke weird. Go figure lol. So I'm trying really hard to be honest all the time. Not that I'm lying but I find it easier to be happy all the time. And I also find that people tend to like me better when I'm "happy go lucky". Meeting Cody and Kevin these past few months they have really helped me by accepting my emotions that I have at that time and still loving me and caring for me. So I'm trying really hard to figure out my emotions, find out why I'm feeling that way and if I can fix it, I fix it. And plus having a best friend like Shane who has honestly seen me through everything. Crying, screaming, laughing, sickness, oi. And he has not changed how he feels about me. In fact I know that he likes me even more, just as I like him even more. I have grown SOOO much closer to Shane since the summer, I didn't think it was possible but we just keep getting closer and closer. I love that boy so much, he's like my brother. February 9, 2005 Well today I ate raw tuna. I had sushi. In case your wondering I went out with Charlene for Chinese New Years today. We went to Toyoko Express and then went out for Bubble Tea. It was cool, no casino. But this felt more right b/c it's Asian. (even though we did go out for Japenese lol) It was good, I added to my list of weird foods that I've eaten. Plus it gave me a good chance to talk to Charlene, hadn't seen much of her recently. I also got a call from John when I was out. Which was unsual, seeing as he's in the army and currently located in Quebec. I also got his letter today, the one that I'm not allowed to open until Valentines Day :p. Anybody who knows me knows that it's killing me right now, I soooo want to go down and rip the letter open and read it!! Blah, I hate waiting!! Okay so I've been realizing lately that I'm not such a good person :(. Now before you all get mad at me, listen. Sometimes you hide things from people but you know who still sees them? God. It's funny how I think things that I do in other places with different people don't matter. How I can justify it away. But it's soo not true. God did an awesome work in my life, I won't deny that. He has been showing me how much he cares about me, over and over again. He's hitting me with a mallet over the head and I get the idea. But God is refining us, so the works never done. I mean God pulled me out of this huge mess I was in, he totally saved me. But now he's working on me at work. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong at work, but it's probably not very appropriate. I mean just b/c you can get away with something doesn't mean you should. I had never thought about it. But he's totally convicted me of it. So once again I fall short of the mark :p. I guess I really suck at running my own life. Duh. Hence why I have God. I don't know. Something inside of me is changing, I can feel it. I don't know if it's totally out on the surface but I'm excited b/c my attitude is changing!! Things inside of me aren't there anymore!!! I'm totally stoked!! He's changing me even more!! I think I experienced one of the most cosy, happy moments of my life. It sounds random but it was Superbowl Sunday. My parents had a party and Grant, Kevin and Cody all came. My mom and Dad and April and Mikey were there. Plus some family friends. I spent most of the night leaning on Grant and having Ben sitting on my lap. I was surrounded by people I love and it was relaxing and it just felt soo good. If only Shane and Aaron could have been there! I was so content. And to make it better my team won!! And John called me for the first time since he left. It was just such a great day. I still look back upon that day and smile. I dunno, I'm just really joyful right now. I feel like a fountain again, bubbling over!! It's awesome!! Well peace out! February 5, 2005 Well, this has been a good week. Random, but good. I feel like I've been emotionally hysterical for the past month or two (my friends can all attest to that lol) and how do you deal with a hysterical person. You slap them. I kinda feel like I've been emotionally slapped by a WHOLE bunch of people. But it's been a good thing! Thanks guys! I'm serious about this, it's like my focus isn't so down in the dumps right now. I'm not really depressed anymore. I couldn't stop smiling all week long. I can just feel the love people have for me and I'm actually stopping and seeing that. I guess you could say somethings finally sunk into my heart. One of the longest shortest journeys ever!! From your head to your heart. I know soo many things in my head, I know people like me, I know a nice decent guy will like me and eventually I'll get married and have a family, I know I'll get a good job, I know I'm pretty. But my heart protests sometimes. Mostly b/c it's been broken and hurt so many times that it can't stop bleeding. I know far too many things but don't believe half of them. I tend to be a person to follow my heart. I mean for the most part my heart can totally convince my mind that were going down the right path. So I throw my whole heart into things. I mean I gave Darle my all, I did what ever he asked of me. I basically gave him my heart. I got burned. I see following my heart as a lack of self-control. Which we all know is a HUGE issues of mine lol. (hmm, remember New Years?) So I know I have a problem, and I even know how to fix it. So why don't I? I don't know. So you may all bow down to the new Pool Princess. lol. Grant is being a sweetie and teaching me all kinds of new pool tricks, well okay right now I'm still learning basics but we'll get to the tricks later. I'll be the next pool shark!! "Pool shark. Were gonna need a bigger boat. Man goes into cage, cage goes into pool. Sharks in the pool, our shark." Lol!! Oh Kevin Smith. Anyways, yeah pool is awesome. So umm, Kevin and Aaron, watch out cuz next time I play ya, I'm gonna wipe the floor with ya!! So yeah, this was my week. Sunday went to chuch, had Shane over for lunch. Played Possumopoly (Red Green Monopoly) I won!!! Then I went to Cheers with Kevin, Cody and Cody's friend Josh. Monday was RAW with Kevin and Cody. Tuesday I had couselling, Grant came over and we watched a movie, went to youth. Wednesday I went to Kelly and Siegi's. Thursday I went to Cody's, watched Phatom with Grant and his friends. Then went to play pool with Grant. Friday I went to Swis Chalet with Amanda and then watched a movie with Amanda and Michelle. Tonight so far I've played pool, and Cody, Kevin and Charlene are coming over and were going out for Bubble Tea. Gadzooks!! My life is busy this week! Well gotta go tootles!!! February 2, 2005 Well counselling went really well. I have a feeling this will be a huge help in my life. I have suppressed anger, b/c I didn't realize this, but depression and anger are very closely linked. Today was a good day. I'm starting to finally feel like my old self again. Happy and always in good humour. I mean I can't stop smiling, and I love that. Today I went to Kelly's place. It was soo good to hang out with her and Siegi. I hadn't been over in so long. We watched American Idol and Crazy Canucks. It was very relaxing. She made us pizza, yummy and then later I had Fresco and vodka mixed, quite yummy actually. Well it's almost totally clean, my place that is. Oi. Lol, yesterday me and mom finally took my Christmas tree down!! It had been up since November 28th and I took it down February 1st!! Lol, oh well. But I was finally inspired enough to clean up, finally had enough energy, and time so I was on a cleaning frenzy! My room is like spotless, dude I even vaccuumed!! (which may not seem like a big deal to some of you but it is to me :p) I just have a little more to do then I'm done. It looks good. I take it as a positive sign that I'm getting out of my slump. Which for me is awesome. My life is once again crazy busy! My girls want to go to Boston Pizza tomorrow, I also have small group tomorrow and I'm still pretty sure that Cody and I are supposed to be hanging out but she hasn't called me yet. Then on Friday I'm going out for Chinese with Amanda. Next Wednesday I'm going to the Casino with Charlene, Chinese New Years. I haven't been in so long. Not since me and Mary were friends, wow, that's been a while. Yesterday I had Grant over and then I went to Youth. It's been great. Just hanging out with all my friends. I feel appricated and maybe I'm actually realizing that people do like me, go figure. Lol. I know it sounds so trival and most people can't belive how insecure I really am. But I am extremely self-doubting and defaintly lacking in the healthy self-esteem area. But that's one of the things me and Anita (my couseller) are going to work on. To change my mentality. Espically the one that says I need a guy to be whole. I can't explain it, but sometimes I feel that meeting that "perfect guy" will fix everything that's wrong in my life. But that's not right nor is it fair to dump all of that on a guy, you know what I mean? I heard a quote one time "Don't concentrate on finding the right person, concentrate on being the right person." It totally hit me, I have so many things that I need to change about myself before I could ever be in a healthy relationship. And I know that, and I am trying, but I'm just not doing a very good job. Ya dig? I just get so frusrtated with myself b/c I keep making the same mistakes again and again. I guess I'm not content to wait on God's timing, which is soo bad b/c His timing is perfect. So yeah, that's kinda something that I'm struggling with right now. Well anyways, peace out!