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August 28, 2006 School starts soon!! Whoo hooo!!! I'm quite excited. I do miss school, and let's face it, being at school full time sure beats working at Tim Horton's full time. :P Besides learning is fun. I like to stimulate my brain. I have one more week of work left and they schedule me for the 6:30 am shift. *pout* I hate mornings!!! But this week is good b/c I'm going to Wonderland with some girls from work. Were going on Wednesday. I'm really excited about it. And afterwards were going out for dinner in Toronto before coming home. I'm quite looking forward to it. Erin will be coming as well. Had an awesome night tonight. Hung out with Cassie and Erin. I love those girls so much, hadn't seen Cassie in forever!!! So it was awesome to see her. And a plus thing, this semester at work I'm doing Wednesday's and Sunday's 3-11 and Erin is doing the same shifts as me. So we get to work together all the time!!! And I was thinking of starting a Sunday night tradition. After work having the 3 of us hang out at Boston Pizza. I was thinking about my life and current relationships. Happy that some of my favourite ones are on the up swing, and kinda sad that other ones are on the down swing. I love all my friends I really do. But sometimes I wonder if my friends truly understand me. B/C they don't seem to understand that I'm not going anywhere. I know I am a loyal person. If I'm your friend there is a good chance that I won't stop being it unless you give me a darn good reason not to be. And even then I'm inclined to give you a second chance. (lol, boy has that come back to bite me in the butt) I dunno, I was hanging out with Kevin a bit lately. (I'm really gonna miss him) And we hadn't been hanging out a ton the last year but hanging out the past couple of weeks is was like nothing had changed. There was no awakardness, no "why haven't you called me in forever", we just had fun. It was awesome. I didn't feel undue pressure upon me. Mind you, Kevin is one of the most laid back guys I know, but still. Relationships go in cycles, I'm the first person to admit that it's not easy. I always assume there is a shift and that the person doesn't like me anymore. But then I realized something, it's not about me. So I've learned to accept them as part of the relationship. Sometimes people make new friends and want to hang out with them all the time, sometimes people just have so many obligations and are so crazy that you might not get to see them for a while. But I've learned that it's okay, b/c you don't like eachother less. You're not being excluded from something your just at a downswing on the cycle. I think this tends to affect women a lot more then men though. I dunno, it's just something on my mind recently. I mean don't most girls have like tons of friends, and they all belong to different groups? You can't spend all your time with all the groups, it's not possible, so you take turns with them. It's okay, it's part of life. Those are my ponderings of recent. So speaking of friends and what not, I've met some new girls some of them from work, one from Kids Connection and one from Movie Group. (the freaky thing is that there all connected b/c they all went to Bible school together, werid eh?) It almost feels like coming home for me. I'm used to hanging out with church kids, I'm used to hanging out with Mennonites who value community and church involvement, and serving one another. (I'm not knocking my current friends here if that is what it sounds like) I'm just saying that I've missed the community feel and the servant heart of my old church and that style of people. And doing ministry with friends, besides Shane, I haven't done anything with any of my friends. I mean, you can do things by yourself and meet new people, which is awesome. But working alongside of people you get along with and are on the same level, it just feels so warm and cozy inside. I live to serve, I love missions trips. I remember when I went to Cleveland Amanda told me that I just come alive when I serve people. It was such a huge compliment to me. I mean what more could you ask for? How to be a better Christian women then to come alive and be yourself and beautiful by serving one another?! I've been so inspired lately. I just really feel surrounded by love and caring. I've also had to let go of some unfair guilt I'd been holding. By letting is go it has really freed me up to be a better woman of God. I guess in a sense I've forgiven myself. It's so easy to blame yourself b/c then you have a good reason. If it's your fault all the time, your not allowing yourself to be vulenerable around other people. It's a defensive mechanisim. Think about it, if it's somebody else's fault, you've allowed them to hurt you. But if it's your fault, you can fix the problem, you can make yourself better but that really becomes self depreciating. And it's not right, there is no way that everything is one person's fault. It takes two. This is something I've learned recently. It's something Grant and I have talked about. I always tend to blame myself for everything, and he tends to blame himself for everything. It's almost hard to admit that maybe you didn't do something wrong. For me, it was like a self-confidence issue. If I did nothing wrong, and something still hurt me, or something bad happened, it means I don't measure up. Somehow there is still something wrong with me. And of course that train of thought really leads nowhere good. So I'm trying very hard to be fair about blame. I know I make mistakes, but sometimes, other people make mistakes too. Hmm, such unusual thought proccess have been flowing through my mind recently. I guess I was spurred on by reading some other people's blogs. And of course from chrurch and talking to God. Life is always lived best when lived free.
August 22, 2006 I just had the most ridiclous night at youth!! I'm just like oh my gosh. There was this huge fight/upset among a group of friends and two of them took off. Down the service road, with no lights on the road and headed towards Martindale Rd. Two other girls tried to catch up to them and convince them to come back. They wouldn't, I find this out as were about to leave and the two kids a boy and a girl won't come back. So I get in my car and we find them, they run away from us. The guy comes back crying and all upset and we try to get the girl to come back, we find her again, we call her on her cell phone nothing. I got out of the car and tried to talk to her and she kept walking away from me. I heard her say on the phone that she planned on hitch hiking back home off the highway! I was thinking "not a chance" but I didn't know what to do b/c she was ignoring EVERYBODY in the youth group. So I prayed. And an idea came to mind, I called her mom, her mom called her while I was on the line so I could hear the conversation. After that she allowed us to pick her up. Huge fighting, crying, people storming off seeking attention. It was not my idea of the ideal youth night. Slightly stressed out about it. The thing is, this group is always this tumultuous with eachother. It's nuts. I don't know how I can help as an adult in their life. As a youth leader can I do anything? I don't know, I guess time will tell. I can only pray and hope that I can reach them where they are. That's all I wanted to write. It's been a rough night, I'm tired, didn't get as much sleep last night as I would have liked so I think I'm off to bed. Tootles.
August 21, 2006 I really shouldn't be writing at this time of night, I should be tucked into my bed all nice and cosy but I kinda had the urge to write. Sometimes I realize how much people don't know me, or that I take for granted that a lot of my current friends haven't known me for more than a few years. (like 4-5 tops) I continue to be surprised sometimes by the views and opinions people have on me based on what they see. I mean I really can't blame them, it could so easily be misconstrued. I do know that God has granted me a really good moral compass. The thing is, it hasn't always been that way. I do keep a fair amount of my past inside of me, well not even. It's just not that important anymore b/c it's done, it's over. I've been forgiven, I've basically forgotten lots of it and I don't see the point of dwelling on something b/c you become bitter and wretched. I mean I started the path of bitterness once and it sucked! I mean it was tumultuous and horrid. And the worst part is that I was mostly hurting myself. Prime example, Briar and Wes. Some of the people that I love more than anything in the whole world. After the "fallout" I didn't talk to them for about 6 months. I mean I went to the same church as them and basially ignored them. She had a BABY during those 6 months and I didn't visit her, didn't talk to her, didn't really care. And by the end I realized that I missed them and that hurt more then what happened. So I called up Wes and talked to him, and then shortly afterwards Briar. Repairing that relationship was one of the best things I've ever done. It caused me soo much pain, and I was totally becoming bitter about it. It was so nasty, I just felt black and dirty and so gross inside. Other things people don't know about me. Swearing, a lot of people think I'm "naive" or that I'm juding people b/c they swear. Here's the thing, I used to swear like a trucker, and I was quite young at the time. I also swore a bit during high school. The reasons I don't swear. #1 You sound vile and it's not very classy or well mannered. #2 You sound unintelligent, like you can't think of anything better to say. #3 Out of respect for my mom #4 The bible talks about not letting any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. This also includes innudendos (which is way I ignore people when they say them b/c I don't think it's funny, I get them, I really do. I really don't like them) and #5 Grammatically the f word bothers me. How can one word be a noun, verb, adjective and adverb?!!! And it has no base in the English language. GRRR!! But people often think that b/c I came from the country (and yes I am a country girl) that I am doe eyed and innocent. I grew up until grade 6, in an innercity area. Pretty crappy part of town. Very exposed to swearing, lewd jokes, fights etc. I just like the good stuff better. I mean I chose to see the glass as half full, that doesn't change the volume of it b/c I chose to think it's half full as opposed to half empty. But it makes me feel better about it. I have a personality that is positive, carefree, young at heart. I can see how people misunderstand that and think I don't know squat. I've travelled by myself to places like London, Scotland, L.A. (yes I was in Los Angles by myself and I was fine) I knew the dangers and the risks but I took the necessary precautions and I was totally fine. And yes I do think Grant is partly right when he says that God has a special protection over me. I know I'll be okay, I trust that God will keep me safe. Who better to put that trust in? I have not been trying to cater to the image of naivity, and immaturity and I think I did it unaware. I just don't understand why people think that optomism and a positive attitude mean that you don't know what's going on. I like to see the good things, it makes life worth living.
August 16, 2006 Wow it's been a while since I've written. I have had somethings to say I just haven't really had the time and I guess I just have soo much to write down that I figured I couldn't do justice to the thoughts that are milling around inside of my head. I'm out of the little slump that I was in. It was a bit different than normal though. It was a good thing that Grant helped me out of that one. I'm not so sure if I would have one my own, well I suppose it's possible. Meh, I'd rather not dwell on it, it's over and done with and I am much better. Had an amazing time on the weekend!! On Friday night Grant took me dancing, now most people would ask "where" and I was like "at his apartment". It was quite sweet. And quite spiffy b/c he's got a black light in his room and I was wearing my black dress with the white flowers and the flowers just stood out!! It was fun, I had also gotten some new beautiful stilleto heels. Soo sweet! (Grant quite liked them lol.) So that was a blast. Then on Saturday Grant, April, Mike and I went for a picnic at Rodman Hall and we walked the grounds and then we went into the art gallery there. That was soo much fun too. Then we went back to Grant's house and played some serious Settlers!! That was a blast. Then I went to Movie Group. Man what a good time I had there!! We went Rock 'N Bowl at the Fairview. Then we went to Pearson Park and just hung out. I was soo hyper and kinda feeling more like myself.
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