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August 30, 2005 So the other day I'm shopping at WalMart. Now remember that dream I had about reuniting with Mary. Guess who I met at WalMart and talked to for like half an hour!! Mary! It was soo weird! It was such a God moment. I even got her phone number and were gonna go out for coffee and talk and what not. It will be soo good to tie up some loose ends in my life, that being one of them. Very cool. Today I went out for lunch with Fritz. He's a customer that used to come into work all the time. He is such a sweet old man. He puts all the Barron's (even Rod) to shame when it comes to manners and being a gentlemen. I mean imagine a 60 something European guy. Manners are so ingrained in him. We went to Tweleve in Port Dalhousie. It's a nice place. He ordered us wine to drink with the meal, insisted that I have tea after (b/c I didn't drink coffee). It was really good. I imagined it would be like an hour or something. Lol, right he was European. We met at 1:00 I got home at 3:30. He even kissed my hand and both my cheeks. It was really neat, and it was really cool just talking to him. I got to learn alot about wine and just things like that. So tomorrow I have a vocal pratice at 9:00 am, yuck, far too early! But it will be good going to this. Perhaps it will help me feel less discouraged about my voice and what not. I'm bringing my guitar so that will be fun. I'm also going to Niagara College tomorrow. Get those few loose ends tied up. I figured that having a week off I would get so much done. Blah, I've been busy every day all day. I'm also babysitting tomorrow night at 6:00. Today I had Joanne over for the evening. She made cupcakes and we watched a move and I made this sweet bracelet. (I've discovered a new way to make bracelets so I shall be making tons in the near future) On Thursday I shall be going to Darien Lake, for free. Plus have gas paid for. Erin called me this morning, not quite in a panic but very upset. She didn't have a ride home from her cold play concert and she was wondering if she paid for gas and just gave me as much money as it took if I would drive her back. And I was like, hmm I'm not doing anything. So I suggested to her that we could all go early and go on rides and what not. And she offered to pay my ticket in and for gas. So I'm like "I'm in". And Joanne might come with us as well. (if she would I would be very excited b/c I don't have a ticket to Coldplay so I would get to spend a few hours along, not a big deal but it could get boring) So I've never been to Darien Lake so I'm really looking forward to it. So yeah Thursday I'm busy. I got stung by a bee today! I couldn't believe it. I checked and I didn't see the stinger in my skin but blah, it swelled up and b/c of where it is I keep hitting it against my side and then it hurts. It's more annoying then anything else. Anyways I should be going to bed, *yawn* I've got an early morning.
August 29, 2005 I don't like Eggs Bendict!!!! That is what I discovered this morning, they are defaintly not my favourite. Shane had his road test this morning. (oh gosh bright and early :p, 9:10, but I picked him up at 8:30) Well he didn't pass, :( but he is getting better. Anyways after the test we went to Perkins and had breakfast. It was really good. (well the muffin and the potatoes were) It was good hanging out with Shane. So Grant and I had an awesome date on Saturday. After getting up late with Charlene, Grant came. I drove cuz his rear view mirror fell off. So we dropped off Charlene then we went to JJ Kapps for lunch. Yummy. Then we went to the Butterfly Conservatory. Lol, it was fun, I had a great time. I like butterflies, I don't mind if they land on me, they kinda tickle a bit though. Then we wanted to go on the aero carts. We got bad directions and were told they were in the states so we went across the river and guess what, their in Canada. Go figure :p. Lol, so we came back over finally got on them. Then it started raining, but we went anyways. It was fun. Then we decided to go to Alfrado's for supper. Then we went home and hung out with my parents for a while b/c they were gone all week and they left again this morning. Then Grant and I watched The Brothers Grimm. (Great movie!!) It was quite the date, it was soo good to just spend time together doing really fun things. Then we hung out all day Sunday. Which was good too, even if we both weren't in the best of moods. But hey when were in moods like we've both been in recently it gives us a chance to get to know eachother better. Or learn to communicate better. I made a decision that I would tell Grant right away when he said something that upset me or I had a question about something he said, and it's been working really good. And I think it might cross over into other areas of my life. But it's been good, I love him alot and I need to know what he's like and he needs to know what I'm like in order to further our relationship. So it's time to open up emotionally. (which I have no problem with lol) So I'm done work!! Friday was my last day. It feels so weird. I've been there for 2 years, that's a long part of your life. I think I'm a little nervous about school. Just a smidge. I know everything will be okay, but the unknown freaks me out. So in a couple of weeks I'm gonna be looking for a part time job. That'll be fun. Anyways I'm outie!!
August 26, 2005 So last night I had some really messed up dreams. One I was reunited with my old best friend Mary and it involved the Welland Canal. Then a girl from work was in my next one (not Valerie or Jen) and Mary's ex-fiance was trying to force himself on me (majorly creepy!!) and she (the girl from work) was helping me get away. I remember in my dream wondering if I should call Grant or not. I remember thinking it was too late at night and that he would probably freak out so I should tell him next time I saw him. B/C we all know me and how I hate fighting. Oh and another dream I had was I was with my youth group and we were at this carnival type thing and all the boys went missing and I felt like it was my fault b/c I let them go off on thier own and I felt horrible. And I think one of the male leaders was with him, but I still felt sooo responsible. When I woke up this morning (at 11:40) I felt bad, b/c my dreams put me through the wringer last night. I just had so many dreams and they were all high emotion ones. So today is my last day of work, I don't go in until 2:00, and then I'm off at 9. Then me and Charlene are going out. I was gonna hang out with Grant but he needs some alone time, which is totally fine. And I'm excited to hang out with Charlene anyways. As long as I can celebrate my last day of work I'm good. And I wanna go out and do something, I don't really feel like sitting around at home. Cuz I'm excited! And I haven't been out out in a while. I think the last time was with Kelly, Siegi and Grant on like Canada day. I'm feeling less depressed. I hung out with Shane and Grant on Wednesday, taking Shane driving and Grant came with us. Then the 3 of us went to Bostin Pizza. We had a great talk, and then we dropped off Shane and Grant and I talked for a while more. I just need to learn to be more in control of my emotions. Ha. (lol) I'm getting better, it's something that I constantly need to work on. Being in control of your emotioins is a good thing. But why is it so hard? Oi. Anyways I should be getting ready to go to work and what not. Tootles!!
August 23, 2005 So I've been listening to the Big & Rich cd alot lately. It kinda suits how I feel about things right now. I don't know, I'm in this country phase right now. I think b/c the music has alot of soul and it actually means something. Related to my journal yesterday some songs on this cd make me cry and it's a good thing. Some of them are just so hilarious I love to listen to them. (kinda like "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy") I am defaintly feeling more mellow these days, not sure why. Part of me doesn't want to get into it b/c then people are like "stop being so down on yourself" and yadda yadda yadda. You know what? I've heard it all, but that still doesn't change some of the major character flaws that I have. I think one of the most frustrating things I can think of is when I KNOW something is wrong with me and people refuse to acknowledge it. I'm like, you can't deny this. Like physcal problems that I have, I mean there right there in front of you. Do people just not see it?! I don't get it. I suppose I am very critical of people and I notice those things. But I know I'm that way so I realize that I'm probably wrong and that I'm being petty. But for example my hair is brown (well right now I have red highlights and the back/underside is black) You can't deny that. I honeslty believe things about me and I have been proven right over the years by soo many other people. I almost wonder sometimes if people just say nice things to make me feel better instead of saying them b/c they honestly mean it. That is always a challenge I have. To say sincere things to people. Blah, I have soo much to work on, it's almost discouraging sometimes. Why was I born the way I was? *sigh* I know, I have a purpose, I have a reason, I have gifts I know all of this. I've been told it all a millions times!!! But like the Super Chic[k] songs says "Somestimes I feel like the one and lonely". That song describes me perfectly, oh man I hear that song and I relate so well. Somedays you just have ugly days. I guess I've just been having a few ugly days in a row. Nothing is seriously wrong I just feel down and kinda depressed. (I'm currently listening to Holy Water, and crying lol, how can you not cry when you hear that song?) I need to refocus on God, so why don't I? I know the answer is right there! Oh gosh, it's like I just can't do anything right sometimes. *sigh* So I had our youth leaders meeting tonight. It went pretty long but it was good, we got to talk to Derik and figure out what is going on. He's staying with the youth all year. Which makes me really happy. And I did briefly think about leaving but then Amanda encouraged me. And I was really thinking about what she said and I would have really missed the kids. So it's gonna be new, and maybe even a little big tough but I'm up for it. And I get to be more involved this, like doing more games and stuff. (and I also volunteered to help the kids do youth dramas) Were gonna try to get some new leaders in as well. It's gonna be good, I can tell. Daddy's feeling better. I talked to him on the phone today. They won't be home until Saturdayish. So Robin's been home along all week again. I don't mind. I just hope that Daddy passes the stone soon. Anyways I'm outie.
August 22, 2005 Hmm, today was a weird day. I had to work on till 1 which I didn't actually mind so much as I normally might have. And it was busy so that always helps make the day go by faster. I was supposed to hang out with Joanne but she cancelled on me so I was gonna go solo. So I had a bath and was just chilling. (not bored but kinda feeling meh, cuz I wanted to hang out with somebody) So I went online and started talking to people and then Erin came online and was like "what are you doing?" And I was like "nothing". I could tell she wanted to hang out so I was like "Erin do you wanna hang out?" And she was like "yes". It was cute. So I took her grocery shopping with me, plus as is turns out we both needed to go to the bank (Niagara Credit Union). Then I got to do my great idea that I had while I was at work. I had a chocolate fondue, with fruit and we drank Champanade. It was soo awesome. I finally got to use my fondue set. It worked quite well. It was just the neatest thing. And then we watched the new Planet of the Apes. It was such a good night. And it was totally unexpected. I miss my girls so much so I love the fact that I've gotten to hang out with them more recently. Erin is such an awesome and sweet girl. I love her soo much!! I think in all I'm feeling better. I guess I realized that things could be so much worse so why am I being so dramatic? I know I'm really sensitive and sometimes people don't understand that I feel so much more then other people. I don't know. I guess I just reach a point where I will start screaming if another person tells me to toughen up. If I toughen up I won't be who I am and then they won't like me anymore b/c I'll be mean and snotty and sarcastic. Or I will completely withdraw b/c then I don't have to worry about annoying people. I guess that's part of it, when people tell me to toughen up I honestly don't know how, so I feel like that person will get annoyed or upset with me and then that makes it worse. It's almost like you're proving to me that you don't know me at all when your trying to change what is intengral to who I am. (and this is not to anybody specific, it's just this feeling that I've been having recently) I grew up as a second child, both girls. With a sensitive mom, and a tough dad. Daddy did toughen me up believe it or not. I used to cry over EVERYTHING. Seriously I cried once b/c my balloon flew away. I was 12 at the time. I would cry if my parents yelled at me, if anybody yelled at me. I used to cry b/c I had no friends, and then I would cry b/c the friends I had didn't like me (or so I thought). I cried when my gold fish died. I was seriously upset for a whole week. I loved that fish. I cry when I see people who need help in the world. The kids from Africa, I want to adopt all of them! When I see people who are hurt I want to have their pain so they don't have to deal with it. And when it's people I love I can't handle it. I hate seeing people I love hurting, I have to make it better. I will do anything to make it better. I cried when my grandfather had a stroke, when my grandmother had an angina attack. I cried when my dad and Uncle Ken had a fight and they didn't talk for a whole year. It broke my heart. I cry over sad movies. I cry when I laugh, I cry when I'm mad, I cry when I'm excited. It's like my natural reaction is to cry lol. *wipes tears from eyes* Some times I just feel like crying and I don't know why. Sometimes I do cry and I'm not sure why. I used to cry myself to sleep once a week on average in high school. (okay girls let's be honest, who didn't?) All I'm saying is that I'm a crier. I will probably cry when I get proposed to, when I get married, when I have my first child etc. And contrary to poplular belief, seeing all the crap there is around me won't shatter me. I will be upset yes, but I already know it's there. Just b/c I cry doesn't mean I'm not tough. B/C I cry I do something about it. I don't know if that makes any sense. I see things that make me sad and I try to fix them, and God gives me compassion and patience to deal with it. I don't even try to rely on my own strength. It would be completely useless. God is my well, the everlasting well. The well that will never grow dry and I can draw strength on it. Having that unending source is the only thing that gets me through. I try to see people the way that Jesus does, and I think Jesus would cry about some of these things too. My crying is a way for me to deal, but I take action on it. It's not an end of the line thing, it's a beginning.
August 21, 2005 So yeah, it's been quite the week I must say. I kinda feel like a giant messy wreck. I guess the fact that I was PMSing the whole week really didn't help eh? I was busy, I mean TUG was good. On Thursday though I went to Small group like normal. Derik announced that he is resigning his position as youth pastor. It really hit me hard. Derik and Amanda were such a huge help to me during a really bad part in my life. I'm just scared of change some time. I'm always afraid that things won't work out well or that I'll lose contact with people. I will miss working with Derik and Amanda at youth. Espically after the Cleveland Missions trip I felt really connected with them, like we were a team and to have that team split up, well I guess I just took it really hard. So that was Thursday. Then mom calls me on Friday and says "Don't freak out, but we think dad's got kindney stones so I'm taking him to the hospital. Yup, he had kidney stones. I know he'll be totally fine but I hate seeing somebody that I love in pain or not feeling well. So they released him Friday night. (I had to sleep at April's house, I don't like their dog :P) And like all of Saturday morning and afternoon he's violently ill, and then he goes to WORK!! Oh my gosh, I'm thinking "take a break". But not my dad, he's back on the road with mommmy, she went too. So here I am on Sunday afternoon and I feel lousy and I'm not sure why. I know I'm bad company today. *sigh* I guess I can always stay at home that way, to avoid peeving off my friends. Well I dyed my hair yesterday. Well Valerie did it, it looks really good. We put black on the underside, and added red highlights on the top. It's sutble b/c unless I wear my hair up you can't really see much of the black, but I really like it. It's different and it's something new. (I was seriously getting the hair itch, and if I don't fix it with something I usually end up cutting it) I really like hanging out with Valerie, she's funny and it's good to have somebody new in your life? It's hard to explain, it's just so refreshing sometimes. Well I'm outie, I think I'll take a nap or something.
August 17, 2005 So I left for work at 7:00am this morning, I arrived home at 11:00pm tonight. It's been kinda a long day. I worked, right after work I picked up Shane and Charlene for TUG (tonight was communion). It was good, Derik did the talk. Worship was really good. My band was playing, but I wasn't with them. I'm kinda getting discouraged about the whole worship team thing. My voice won't blend with theirs and it's so hard for me to be postive about it. In fact were now working one on one and I'm not going to pratices anymore. =( I just really want to sing. I'm just really discouraged about it is all. Anyways, after TUG Shane and I went out driving. He's defaintly improving, I think he just might pass his test soon. Oh I certinaly hope so. I just know that I haven't taken him out enough. But I don't have any more time!! So frustrating!! I know I could have taught him so much more if I tried harder. *sigh* Anyways then we picked Charlene up again and we went out for Bubble Tea and snacks. Sooo good!! I got chocolate, mmm, it's like drinking a chocolate popsicle. Then I went home earlyish b/c I had stuff to do. *Robin sees something and she tries to grab a hold of it but grabs air b/c it was too fast for her* "I think that might have been a point." Lol. Yes I am aware that I need to do more stuff at home and I want to I just never seem to have time for it. I know, I need to make time. I have like one more week and a bit left and then I have almost 2 weeks off to do stuff. Yeah, I will finally finish unpacking! (Grant stop rolling your eyes and groaning!) So this Friday is Peaches Cafe at Cornerstone. I haven't been to that church in over a year. I'm not really nervous but it will defaintly be weird. But I'm gonna bring Cassie with me, and Brianna is going to meet us there and Grant is coming so I'm really excited. Brianna is really excited to meet Grant. I haven't hung out with Brianna since January so I'm really excited about this!! And it's been a while since I've seen Cassie too. I really miss those girls and I'm glad there coming back into my life. The time apart was probably needed but oh my gosh did I miss them!! So I hope to be more involved now. (I can just hear Grant groaning again *sticks out tounge*) I'm getting my hair done on Saturday!! Valerie is doing it. She's dying it, not totally sure what colours will be done, but I'm really excited! I'm really happy that I got to meet Valerie before I left. She's so awesome. Today she brought me a bagel and an iced coffee thing. (which I drank and I didn't mind it too much, mind you it made me pee a lot!) She's just really sweet, and she does my hair for free! Whoo hoo!! Anyways I'm outie!! Tootles!
August 16, 2005 So today I went to Niagara Falls with Johnny, Charlene and Charlene's best friend Fiona. Then Grant is going to join us for supper at my house. Well currently the boys are getting some food at No Frills so Johnny can make food for us. I bought a bell at Table Rock. Now why you might be asking. Well a little while ago my room mate Eveline (who lives in Swizterland) asked me to get her some sort of noise maker for a wedding she is involved in. The guy who's getting married apparantly loves Canada, so I got a Canada bell. Well it says Niagara Falls Canada. (couldn't find anything strictly Canada there) But it's nice, my only worry is sending it in the mail. I hope it makes it there fine!! I've got less then two weeks left of work. Then I'm going to school. I'm really excited!! Yeah school!! So I'm doing pretty good. I'm feeling pretty good. Lol, it's kinda funny that I don't write as much when I'm happy and fine, I mostly write the most when I'm upset. I'm just chilling out with friends a lot recently. Got a few things on my plate but it's nothing that God can't work out. Anyways the boys are back and I should be social! Tooltes!
August 13, 2005 So I had a really good day. And this is the reason why. Today Grant told me that he loved me. *smile so wide it splits face* Of course those of you who know me know that I've loved him for a little bit now. But I didn't want him to just say it, I wanted him to mean it. And he had two things that happened to help him realize it, one being something that happened with a mutal friend recently, and how I trusted him and didn't get all upset. And then of course him canoeing with us. We spent 3 days together and it was awesome, we got along, we worked soo well together. I feel so peaceful and happy about the whole situation, I know that God wanted Grant in my life and I'm soo thankful that he is. Love you babe!!! Also what made it a good day was that I got my time table for school. I'm taking 11 classes and I only have to buy 3 text books. Now Cody said she'd lend me the Physc one and I can probably get extement from the English and Computer one. (I took 2 OAC Englishs I should be okay) So if that's true, I won't have to buy any text books. God is sooo looking out for me b/c me not buying text books will save me money. I'm soooo excited to go back to school. Cody and I went there yesterday. I got a locker, got my student card, applied for a bursary, got a mini tour. I can't wait to start school. I'm also really excited about school b/c that means that I won't have to work at Penners anymore!!! I love learning and I love the atmosphere at schools. Plus it will be fun sharing a locker with Cody. I need to buy back to school supplies!! Whoo hoo!!! That I am oober excited about!! Cuz I love shopping!! Anyways not too much else that exciting happened this week. But I think today more then made up for it! *sigh*
August 10, 2005 Why do I feel like such a complete failure in life?! I know it's not true but it doesn't stop me from feeling like everything I touch I somehow ruin. I hate the fact that I'm so bipolar, I wish I knew how to fix it. Any ideas anybody!? I wish I could keep my BIG FAT STUPID MOUTH SHUT!!!!!!! I say things that I don't think about and people remember them and they are hurt by them. And here I thought I was actually learning to control what I was saying, I guess not. I heard somebody say something today that kinda hit me. They said that I always make snap judements about people. I suppose it's true, but usually (I'm not saying always) they end up being right. But that doesn't mean that I should say anything and step on toes or hurt people. What is wrong with me that I just can't freakin learn from my mistakes!! I want to change, I want to be somebody who uses their words for kindness. We got a list from Harbour about how words can either damage or help people.
Common ways to use words like a weapon. Yeah poing number 1 I'm having troubles with. I don't think and I want to but I'm not really sure how. How do you control your thinking? I mean besides praying, I'm looking for pratical. So these are some of the positive things they said.
Common ways to use words to bring healing. And yeah, I also need to learn when to shut up. I don't know why I'm feeling so upset today. Yesterday I had a great day. I had this amazing talk with Joanne. We defaintly grew closer together. Then after that I went out with Charlene to Perkins and we had a great time. I mean today was like "write encouragement cards day". I wrote 7 cards to give to people just b/c I wanted to. B/C I felt led to do it. I mean I even had a great time at the BBQ that I went to. So why do I feel upset? I'm not sure I guess. Maybe b/c I'm so stupid that I can't even control my own emotions? I always let my emotions have too much say in how I feel. I am in control of them, they do not control me. So why do I let them sometimes? :( I'm just kinda frustrated at myself and I guess it's a good thing b/c I'll never grow and change if I become complacent. I just hate how much it hurts sometimes. So, my snap judgements and my rash, reckless speaking have to go. I won't hurt people again if I can stop it.
August 9, 2005 So I had a great weekend canoeing with my family and Grant. It was such an easy trip! Like for real, majorly easy but it was soo relaxing. I perfected my dive! (or at least I got it a lot better) Grant and Daddy got along really well. Daddy really likes him, I can tell. But sometimes it's freaky how much they are alike. Good memories from the trip. Grant now has 2 nicknames, Tow Rope and Uncle Sexy. Daddy calls him Tow Rope b/c Grant and I fell out of our canoe on the way over. (umm, you could say it was a little top heavy and it was a VERY wobbly canoe and we both leaned to the left at the same time and the canoe dumped us into the water b/c the canoe didn't tip at all) So Daddy and Mommy came over and Grant held onto both canoes and they towed us into shore lol. So hence Tow Rope. And April calls Grant Uncle Sexy b/c she couldn't remember his name. (which I find really weird b/c I was living with them when we started dating and I talked about him alot!) But we had a good trip. Glad to be back, got a good tan. And I've only got 3 weeks of work left. (that is so exciting!!) I'm going to Niagara on Friday with Cody to get my things together. Drop off a form, get my student card, get a locker. Yahoo! I have to leave early b/c I'm going to the beach with Joanne.
August 4, 2005
So this is the top ten things that I've learned this week so far.
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