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April 24, 2006 "To my grieving soul", hundreds of thousands of words have been published, and hundreds of thousands more have been spoken into the microphones of the world since my brain was struck down in school, but none of them were really adequate. Words never are in the face of senseless tragedy. Words cannot describe how I felt when I lost my brain. Not until the vacuum of disbelief was filled with the horror of comprehension did I realize how much I identified myself, even apart from personal friendship, with my brain, expressing the very essence of the youthfulness of myself. What matters is that feeling of loss -- that personal sense of emptiness --, which I feel because my brain was cut off in the prime of life. As a person, I have lost a brain who understood the institution of the system, gloried in its overwhelming responsibilities, and discharged his duties with dash and joy, which were an inspiration to the youth of our nation. Nevertheless, my brain was more than that. It was my companion in times of sorrow; it was my hero, my thinker -- and my friend. It will be sorely missed.
P.S. for those of you who are now thinking that I am such an amazing writer by this Eulogy and now you all want me to write your Eulogies it's not mine, I punked it and changed the words. Copyright must be upheld. http://www.public-speaking-advice.com/eulogy-john-f-kennedy.html
April 12, 2006 "It is well with my soul." I've heard the history behind that song. I don't remember it exactly but the impression I remember is that this man lost everything, family everything and by all means he should be completely devastated. He sat down and wrote that song. It is well with my soul. If I say it enough will it become true? I know God is in charge, I know He's looking out for me. But I feel heavy and upset inside. I've been praying since yesterday, I've had Grant praying with me as well. I changed my MSN name to the Weeping Willow. I use that analogy b/c I am a weeping willow. I am strong, I bend with the wind, but I still weep, but it doesn't break me. I'm not easily broken. I mean look at a willow, the mightiest wind could blow and knock down all kinds of other trees, but the willow remains b/c it's flexable, it bends. That is the kind of person God is turning me into. It scares me, b/c I don't want to know how far I can bend before I break. I feel close to breaking now but I know I won't. I know that I have to put God's strength first and pray for wisdom, pray for guidance and pray for strength, for His strength. The older you get the more you grow. The more people and God require of you. The more responsibilty you have, the more chance to let people down and hurt them. When you get involved in leadership things you have a big responsibility. I've never felt this way before. I know it's where I'm supposed to be and God is teaching me how to handle problems that arise. I mean if I'm meant to be a teacher and if I want to be in ministry or something like that, will I not come across problems when I'm the leader. When I'm responsible for things. When people look to you for answers, look to you for explanations, just look to you for anything really. You have to be strong. Wow, it's just wow. Overwheleming at times. But I'm learning, I'm still new with everything. So I believe, and Grant said this too, that part of these situations that I'm going through are learning experiences for me. I need to learn to deal with these types of problems. Not easy, in fact, very hard. I told Grant yesterday that I just didn't feel adequate to do it. He then told me who else was going to, and that I was the one whom God wanted to do it. So why am I still a bit scared? B/C humans are not perfect and I can't always predict the outcome of a situation and I fear the unknown. I'm afraid of making mistakes, and I know I have. But I'm still learning. Just got off the phone with Pastor Jeff. Feeling better, feeling less wind on me you could say. It was good to hear that I am dealing with the problem appropriately and to be noted for it. Other situations are still troubling but I do know that God is looking after me. My cousin was in a motorcycle accident on Monday. My cousin from Missouri, I saw them at Christmas time. He broke two bones in his one leg. He went through his surgery fine. He was wearing a helmut so he's okay mentally. Has no memory of the accident. And they were worried about an infection in his legs but there pretty sure he'll be okay, and once he finally puts some weight on his leg he can go home. There not putting a cast on yet b/c they are still gonna monitor for infection so they put a metal rod from his knee to his ankle but he was refusing to put weight on his leg so he hasn't left yet lol. I am thankful that he didn't die, that he wasn't injuried more. But that was another incident on Tuesday. I had a great day at school, and then it all went to the crapper after that. But it's gonna be okay.
April 7, 2006 I love how God looks after His children.
April 6, 2006 Grr, I had a great journal entry started and I accidently reset the page and lost it all. Very frustrating. Well what I was saying is that I'm feeling much better now. I had gotten to a point of emotional exhaustion that I had never reached. Usually I shut everything off before I let it get to that point. But I didn't, and I manged to deal with my emotions properly. But it was soo tiring!!! I couldn't handle the little "pebbles" flicked at my head anymore. I was getting to a point of selfishness so I needed something to change. Well I was talking with Joanne one night on MSN, as we often do. She helped me articulate what was upsetting me. I had tried countless times before to express how much turmoil was inside of me but it never came out right and people didn't get it. So I asked for prayer for guidance, figuring somewhere along the pathway I would figure it out. Or come across a person who was wise enough to see it for me. Well the other day Grant and I were doing dishes and I was telling him about this revelation I had on MSN with Joanne the night before. When I finally got out exactly how I was feeling, he stopped washing and we talked for 15 minutes right there. It helped a lot. He had a lot of wisdom with what he said, and since he knows me so well his insight was impeciable. I feel relieved, I feel like the big problem that I had isn't really a problem anymore. Grant, thank you! This week has been good. Talked with my co-leader at youth, that went well. I spend time with Rod today. Wow, what a difference. God totally answered so many prayers for that family. He is a new person altogether. It makes my heart happy.
So read an old hand written journal the other day, gonna share a chunk with you guys, you'll understand when you read it:
April 1, 2006 So today is April Fools day. I told the midnight shift last night that they should pretend something broke and they didn't make any donuts, then jump out and say "April Fools!" but I don't think they were going to lol. But could you imagine? That would be quite funny. It was really nice last night, Grant came by at the end of my shift and we talked for like an hour. It was good. Grant and I did a lot of communication this week. Always a good thing. I also had a good talk with Joanne last night. She suggested that I should talk to the pastor about this one thing. It's probably a good idea but I don't know what to say. I've tried talking about it since like January, when I talk about it I don't make sense. I cannot get my point across and people do not understand what's wrong. So I'm just going to wait until Network, it's coming up really soon anyways. Grr, I am changing, I've known that since January. How do I convey what is going on inside of me, this massive huge change, this total life altering thing when I don't know if it is what I think it is. Maybe I just want a life altering event so I'm making it up. Or maybe I'm misreading something. I don't know. I'm exhausted!! I am emotionally exhausted. I need some rest, but I don't have time for it. I mean and I bet all it is that God wants me to rely on him more, to lean towards Him. I have been finding myself praying first, which really excites me! Well I look at it this way. I've given God most of what is going on, and I'm still getting worn out and tired over smaller portions of what is the big problem. Which is why I guess God says to give everything over eh? Hmm, thoughts to ponder. I suppose if I just let go of it all He will worry about it. I guess the really small things you don't even think about letting go. You figure their so small that you can handle them on your own. But you know what? You can't. There will always be too much small stuff for one person to handle. So then I guess I need to do some more praying and letting go. I can do that. I don't want to be emotionally exhausted, I don't like me like that. As Grant mentioned to me that he saw me be emotionally selfish for the first time the other day. That's when I told Grant that I was just exhausted. I guess it's just creepy for me to want to take a break. I guess God is showing me how to be the most effective leader I can be, b/c you need alone time to recharge and refresh. This is just one of the first times I've ever had it this bad. Usually when things get rough I just go on a road trip somewhere. Well I can't do a road trip, I can't get away. The same situations face me everyday. I don't know what God is doing to me but He's altering things in me that have been there forever. I guess b/c I don't need my validation and self-esteem from those around me. I now base it in God, so if I'm not spending enough time with Him, won't I feel the effect. Wow, that was a huge revelation I just made. Of course it makes sense. I am using God as my base, so if I don't make a daily point of recharging with Him, I am bound to wear out. I also find that God gives me higher responsibility b/c I'm using His strength. He knows I can do it b/c I'm using the right resources. So I guess my rest and what not will involve me bringing out my guitar and doing some worship. That is how I connect best. Tootles!!
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