| A Self Centered Post-- 12-01-04 I've never cried in a movie and now I can't, cuz i think about how i've never cried in a movie when i watch a sad one, that everyone cried in, and so I just expect something to make me cry and u kno it doesnt work that way. the things that make me emotional are usually when a family member dies (in a movie), because I can relate to that love and imagine, but not completely grasp the depth of the pain of such a loss. i love mama, papa, murr, and miko so much. but i still take them for granted. i try not to.. sometimes i'm stressed or I just lose self control. i can be so defensive, stubborn, prideful, and easily irritable.. it takes practice and conscious effort not to be. just like being selfish.. we all grew up selfish and self centered kids.. it isnt until you're older and more mature that u realize that u shouldnt be that way and that u need to fix the way u think and how you've been for so much of your life.. until the good becomes natural. and that takes awhile. sometimes one thing just makes u snap.. and u regret it right away, because even if you were right.. it's not about that.. you still lost self control. i actively look for my flaws, because it's good for me. it's never something you enjoy knowing..but it's necessary. constructive criticism. I have high standards for myself. i know who I want to be and that is more important to me than most things. be true to myself.. grow.. self develop.. be a person of worth. be able to have pride in who you are.. what you've made yourself to be.. the morals that you hold. one time someone put that the best relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.. and there is a lot of truth in that statement for me. it's almost unnatural.. all the thought and effort i put into making sure i am true to myself and genuine. pleasing and making parents proud is such a nice and relieving feeling, but the torment u put yourself through when u fall short of their standards for you even if you did fulfill your own..is such a bad, bad, unnecessary feeling. it use to be that their disappointment is mine.. when they're proud of me.. i am proud of myself. only because I love them and they don't push me too hard, they dont pressure me, they let me breathe.. and they trust me. hearing disappointment in mama's voice that is unintentional, but so natural.. is such a personal disappointment. i use to put so much pressure on myself.. but then one thing happened... and i realized how silly i was. high standards.. guilty conscience. I live better and breathe easier when I live for myself. repeat that. It takes a truly admirable and mature person to sacrifice for someone else and not regret what they lost. selflessness is something i really, really admire and will strive for the rest of my life. i'm selfish.. you are selfish too. i hate it when people say "that's the way we are.." like it's okay to be selfish and shallow, cuz it's innate and we shouldn't do anything about it, cuz we can. i won't be like that.. i'm better than that. people suffer. sometimes i think it's so unfair that my life is so easy and privileged when other people were born suffering. i didnt deserve to be where i am.. they didnt deserve to be where they are. but it's not about who deserves what, at all. just chance. |
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