| Her pale face was frozen. Her lips were flushed a deep blue. But still the hot tears ran down her face. She thought of a warm fire and warm gingerbread cookies baking in the oven. She thought of being held in warm arms. The hot tears kept coming. She could almost taste the sweetness of the cookies, fresh from the oven and so hot they almost burned her tongue. They were so far away, now. The snow fell all around her, like tiny pieces of lace, raining down on her, falling in a soft blanket all over the land. She thought of her own home, with the white cotton quilt draped peacefully over the big warm bed, which she shared with no one. No one had lived with her for many years. More years then she could bear to count. Each year bringing lonely dinners, lonely springs and lonely Thanksgiving feasts. There was a time when someone held her when she cried. There was a time when a lover would take her in his arms and wait until she fell asleep so she would not be alone. He would carry her up to her bed and lay her down so carefully. He would sit and stare at her quiet face, watching her sleep peacefully. Then, he would turn off the light and leave her in the darkness. As if he wanted to save her beauty for himself. She could only reach these memories in her quiet dreams. Maybe, they weren't real at all. She had left the fire going when she plunged out into the cold weather. She wanted to come back to a warm house. But then, if her house was so warm and welcome, sitting out there, alone, why, in God's name, was she out here, in such a horrible place? The answer was simple, really. She had been an outcast for years. She had isolated herself. If people got to close, they would hurt you. They would kill you. They would beat you and throw you into a ditch to die. She shivered, not because of the intense cold she felt at the moment, but because of the years of cold she felt from being lonely for so many Valentine's Days, Christmas's, Thanksgivings. She was so afraid of being hurt, of being discovered in her solitary haven, that she convinced herself she was happy being alone. Now, she realized that the only person that would harm her by lying to her and tricking her and deceiving her was, indeed, herself. She harmed herself by letting her mind drown with painkillers and unnecessary drugs. She didn't mean to. All she wanted was for the pain to leave. All she wanted was for the horrible loneliness and regret leave her to her peace. The only way she was going to rid herself of the awful pain was to face it, head on. She needed someone. She wanted to fall in love. She wanted to be loved! And if her heart were shattered, she would do it all over again, just so someone would come and pick up the pieces for her. Her world was just a void of emptiness; she needed someone, something to fill it. Something to assure her that she wasn't a person that was unlovable. She remembered, from a long time ago, someone telling her something very wise and for some reason or another, she remembered it and said it to herself every time the painkillers would make her mind numb. "God gave you two ears, two eyes, but why did He only give you one heart?" the memory in her head said. "Why?" she whispered, into the frosty abyss. "He gave the other one to someone else, just so you could find It," the memory answered. She was going to find it. She imagined her Lover, the one she had seen so many times in her dream, sitting beside her, near a fire. He was drinking coffee. She was drinking hot chocolate, as she disliked the bitter taste of coffee. He joked that she was immature and she playfully hit him with a red pillow. "I love you." He said to her, smiling. Her lips moved and nothing came out. Oh, how she wanted to say back, "I love you too! I love you more then anything. I would do anything for you!" But, no matter what she did, she couldn't bring her mouth to say such words. Maybe it was from the cold. Maybe it was from tears choking her throat. But, she knew, it was her own mind. She could not bring herself to give her heart to him, when she knew that he might not give it back if she wanted it. She knew good and well what would happen if you fell in love. If he died first, she would spend years, wandering the world alone, wondering, wondering, always wondering, what in God's name she did to deserve such pain. And if she died first, she would be restless in Heaven, knowing she had caused so much pain to the man who still had her heart. And that was why she was out here, in this horrible blizzard. She wanted to find him. She needed him. She was seventy years old, she thought it was about time that she found the man with her other heart. Some would regard her as a lunatic. Some would put her in a straight jacket and shove her in a padded room so she wouldn't hurt herself. But, to those, who have ever seen hope in the eyes of a person with none, she was just an old woman, searching for her soul. Searching for her lost love. As she trudged on, it felt as if the snow was going through her thick cloak, through her skin and into her bones. She couldn't feel anything anymore. Everything was numb. She thought of the cup of hot chocolate awaiting her, next to that cup of hot, bitter coffee. She thought of his warm arms and how they would wrap around her and protect her from the snow. Time seemed irrelevant as the cold bit her more and more. She got to thinking she might as well give up. And then she smiled. Because, she knew, even if she wanted to, she just couldn't give up. Her heart wouldn't let her. The heart that had been so scarred and cheated and afraid had revived and was beating wildly with determination and love for the one she hadn't even found yet. Even if her old, frail body were to give up on her, her soul would keep on searching and searching until she found that one man with her heart. So, you see, there was no turning back whatsoever. It was just impossible! She kept going. Her eyes could stand the cold no longer and she pushed her eyelids over them, and trudged on in the darkness, no longer following the dirt road that was barely visible through the snow. Only following the path of her own heart. The path was set so long ago, and then forgotten. Well, no more! She followed the narrow little path her heart lead her to and kept her on. Although she could not see, she was never more certain that she was heading in the right direction. She collapsed. Her knees gave way to her trembling body and she lay in the bitter snow. The tears came out faster now, and she sobbed freely. She had failed! She had left her home for nothing! She regained her hope and followed her dreams and what did it all lead to? Her lying in the snow, dying a slow and painful death! She felt the coldness throughout her entire body, along with anguish and regret. How could she be so stupid? Where would she go after this? When she was dead? Would she become a ghost, wondering the road, haunting all of the teenage couples that come about? Would she go to hell? Would she float up to heaven? Would she become nothing? Was there no life after death, after all? And as she lay there in overwhelming self-pity, she realized something. Her heart was beating faster then ever; as if falling into the snow was just strengthening its resolve. Her spirit was raging inside of her. And she wondered. Why? Why was it doing this, when there was no way she was going to live, no way that she was going to accomplish what it was she wanted so badly to do? Then, she realized. Even if she died here and now, the other heart would go on searching. And searching. Searching for her heart! And nothing would change that, not even God himself. She needed to go on. She needed to keep going and meet that other heart half way. She could almost taste the warm hot chocolate. Her trembling old hand reached out and planted itself firmly in the snow. She reached her other hand out and pulled herself a few inches. This way would be longer, but it would do. She repeated this process until she couldn't feel her hands. She repeated this until she couldn't feel anything at all. She was nothing now, merged with the snowflakes. With her last ounce of strength, she turned her head and saw him. The other heart was kneeling over her, a cup of coffee in hand. He looked very disappointed. His face was in very much pain. And she realized, that, it was pain for her. He felt her pain. She reached out her trembling hand and clasped it on his warm arm. She immediately felt warm and comfortable. She felt his heart beat along with hers. She knew why he was disappointed now. He was disappointed because he was still waiting for an answer. So many years ago, he had said that he loved her. And he still waited for a response. With her last few breaths, she managed to mutter something that made her other heart smile as he handed her a cup of hot chocolate. "Can you hear me? Please forgive me. I've waited such a long time, my whole life in fact, but, I want you to know, that, I love you." Click here to go back once you're done! Click here to write a review on this story! |
| Silent Night by Crizel |