Jen's Testimony
So, you want to know who I am, do you? Well climb up on your recliner, sit back, and enjoy. My prayer is you will be blessed with my testimony of the good things God has done in my life.
In October 1963 my mother and father had a little baby girl they named Jennifer Lynn. I arrived just a little earlier than they expected, like 6 weeks early at 4 lbs 7 oz. Many babies born that early didn�t survive but feisty little Jennifer had a will to live.
Childhood was not easy for me though. Being a premature baby, I was always the smallest, tiniest with my friends and in my class. Quite frequently the smallest kids get picked on because of their size. I got a fair bit of being picked on.
As well as being tiny you would probably describe me, these days, as being an ADD/ADHD child but� I wasn�t though. I reacted to artificial food colourings and flavourings, which caused me to be quite hyper at times, and a bit of a handful for my parents. Socially, hyperactive children have a hard time. Its like all these emotions are bottled up in a child who is too young and immature to sort through them. I didn�t know when to stop aggravating others and my emotions would run from being very angry and bitter, to being terribly upset and not knowing how to deal with it, to being uncontrollably excited over something that was going to happen.
As a child and teen and I suppose into my early 20�s I remember never really knowing who I was and always striving to be somebody I wasn�t. I remember desperately wanting to belong somewhere yet never feeling like I did. I tried the party scene, I dabbled a bit in both drugs and alcohol, I had my share of boyfriends and tried to find love in all the wrong places. Once in college I worked so hard to make the Dean�s List to prove to myself that I could do it. I tried so very hard to find myself.
But you know, when I read and hear other peoples� testimonies and hear the horrific things that some people have had to endure, I guess my life really wasn�t that bad. I had a good mother and father who loved me and were not divorced, I had a sister and 2 brothers, I grew up in a nice area with a roof over my head, my parents sacrificed much to give us what they could, I figure skated for 10-12 years (kept me out of trouble) which I know near killed them financially sometimes and so much more. I was never beaten (although I am sure my parents would have like to send me to the moon sometimes), I didn�t have alcoholic parents, I wasn�t raped, I didn�t live on the streets, etc. But God doesn�t look at where we came from. He looks at our heart and how He can use us and our life experiences to minister to and make a difference in other peoples lives. Although what I have come from is not as horrific as some, it is equally important.
In my early 20�s I dated one fellow who had the most genuine, kind sister you could imagine. There was something so very sweet about her spirit. As I had always struggled with wanting to be something that I wasn�t I begun to question as to what made her different. Guess what? She was a Christian. Shortly after this fellow and I went our own ways I decided that I wanted to be like her. I thought to myself �I may as well try this Christian stuff, I certainly hadn�t been at all fulfilled with anything else I had tried�. So� I approached my friend�s mother, a wonderful Christian woman, and asked her how I would ask Jesus into my heart. She prayed with me and on August 31, 1984 I was born into the Kingdom of God.
It is funny how God has his plans though. This woman who prayed with me, was a nurse with my mother approximately 40 years ago (prior to either of them being married), she and her husband were somewhat responsible for getting my parents together, she is my sisters godmother, and she is the mother of one of my good friends still today. God does have a plan for each of our lives.
I have to admit, for years after becoming a Christian, I really didn�t understand the true impact that having Jesus in your life can have. The power that we have in Jesus Name, the fact that we can bring everything to him in prayer, the way in which He makes us and moulds us, how we can actually worship him and give every part of our lives to Him. Life was fun and simple as a single person. I went to church, was involved in the youth group, didn�t do the party scene anymore, and basically did live what the bible told me to do. But I do believe that God moulds our lives, like a potter moulds his clay pot and I do believe all along God was and still is working in my life.
In 1989 I was married to my wonderful husband Rod. Just two years later (1991) our 1st son arrived. While I was pregnant with him, Rod got laid off of his job. This was when all the fun began in our lives.
Since this 1st lay off we have had such a very hard time in our finances. He has been laid off a few times, we had our own company during a time when the economy was not the best and he has had some very difficult bosses to work for. He even had one boss who would not issue the proper paperwork that is required by our laws. We have had many times when we just did not know how we were going to feed our family, pay our bills or how we were going to survive. But, Our God is an Awesome God. He is Jehovah Jiriah � our Provider. He has always provided for our every need. There were times when we had food delivered to our front door anonymously when there was not much left in our cupboards and times when we have received a cheque in the mail for exactly what we needed. I can say these times have not been fun for us and they are not times I have particularly enjoyed going through, but our God does provide. He has never failed us and we are a walking testimony as to the fact that God does provide.
In 1993 our second son was born. One week after he was born my dear mother fell, hit her head on the cement, and was in neurology and rehabilitation for about 8 weeks. We prayed and prayed for her. She was almost in a vegetable state and now, Praise the Lord, has no complications from her accident at all. Still, to this day, I do not know how I managed to get through this time of going through this with my mother, visiting her at the hospital every day, being a support for my father, all while having a newborn and a 2 year old. It is only God and to God alone I give all the Glory.
In late 1995 we were thrilled to announce we were expecting our third child. This is when things started getting very difficult for me. I began to feel like I was dragging myself around. I couldn�t get up in the morning, I needed a sleep in the afternoon and then I couldn�t go to sleep at night. Meals were a problem. I didn�t feel like eating nor could I figure out what to feed my family. My children were always in my face. It seemed like they were always demanding things and bothering me. They spent a great deal of time in front of the television because I couldn�t deal with them. I found myself sitting at home, staring at the things that needed to be done yet I couldn�t even begin to figure out where to start. I had always been a detailed person and I couldn�t figure out details anymore. I remember trying to figure out a surprise party for my husband. I could not sort in my head as to who was coming, what we would be eating, times, dates etc. I just couldn�t straighten it out. My mind was becoming permanently cloudy. My bright bubbly happy personality was changing. Everything about me was changing. It bothers me terribly what I must have been like for my 2 young children. Their mother that they needed so very badly just wasn�t there for them. I responded to them in ways that was not ways that a loving mother should have. I locked them in their bedrooms because I was afraid of what I would do to them if they came out and pushed one more button. I yelled at them because they needed a simple thing like a drink.
The other thing that is so terribly hard for me is what I was like to and for my husband. Why he stayed with me I do not know. It is only by the grace of God that we are still together. I became a horrible person to live with. I would scream at him. I was so consumed with bitterness at him and everything else that it was eating away at me. I was terribly demanding expecting him to drop everything if I couldn�t handle things. He did a lot of the cleaning around the house and many times came home to have to cook a meal. All of this because I could not sort out in my head what we would be eating. I could no longer deal with anything. He worked a hard day and came home to anything but a haven, something I had always wanted so badly for my family.
Once my 3rd child was born everything started to fall apart even more. I began crying at the slightest thing. Trivial things like the baby was crying, or there were too many puzzles spread on the floor, or because my house was a mess and I hadn�t got it in me to clean it. For any of you who have been through DEPRESSION, you know how terribly devastating this condition is. It almost ruined my marriage. It almost ruined my life. I just could not cope with life anymore.
I finally took myself to the doctor and explained to him how I was feeling. He put me on medication, which made me higher than a kite for about two weeks. But, finally the medication kicked in and things began to look up. I was on the medication for probably a year.
What caused it? Probably a combination of stress with Rod�s job situations, financial stress, some chemical imbalance and the hormonal changes women experience while pregnant and after having a baby. To this day I still blame myself somewhat for the troubles we have with our children, even if they are normal struggles, because of the lack of a mother I feel I was to them during this early stage in their lives.
A year and a half after my 3rd son was born I went to our church ladies retreat for the weekend and by this time I was no longer on medication. We were in the chapel having an awesome praise and worship time. I was standing beside my very best friend whom I have been friends with since I was 3, my hands were in the air, and I was praising the Lord with everything I had. I even remember what we were singing.
Power of Your Love
Lord I come to You.....Let my heart be changed, renewed.....
Flowing from the grace.....That I've found in You.....
Lord I've come to know.....The weaknesses I see in me.....
Will be stripped away.....By the power of your love.....
Hold me close.....Let your love surround me.....
Bring me near.....Draw me by your side.....
And as I wait.....I'll rise up like the eagles.....
And I will soar with you.....Your Spirit leads me on.....
In the power of your love.....
Lord, unveil my eyes.....Let me see you face to face.....
The knowledge of Your love.....As you live in me.....
Lord renew my mind.....As Your will unfolds in my life.....
In living every day.....By the power of Your love.....
Hold me close.....Let your love surround me.....
Bring me near.....Draw me by your side.....
And as I wait.....I'll rise up like the eagles.....
And I will soar with you.....Your Spirit leads me on.....
In the power of your love.....
On this day the Lord picked me up and He told me He had healed me of this horrible depression. At the same time He told me, my best friend, who had walked through all of this with me, put her hand around my shoulder and whispered in my ear �Jen, God has healed you, you are free of it�.
Since the day I first went to the doctor I realized that perhaps this depression was something that had been creeping up in my life for years. Despite the fact that my husband probably didn�t love me anymore, let alone like me, despite the fact that everything around me had fallen apart, I chose to trust the Lord and leave all this mess in His hands. He has picked me up. He has restored my marriage. We have gone through more layoffs and struggled with finances since then, all of which has brought us closer together rather than apart. I have grown so very much in the Lord that many times it feels like I am in a �fireworks� relationship with my love for the Lord. He has removed every bitter bone in my body and replaced it with a love for people. My trust in Him has soared, my prayer life has soared, everything has soared as what was sung in the song at the time He healed me.
Since the day God healed me I have had several small times when I have been attacked and had several days of suffering with depression/anxiety but I know that this is a spiritual attack and nothing else. One of my very good friends gave me a word picture saying that God has given us Gold Slippers that we can use to stomp on satan when he does give us trouble. I remember that word picture and when I am struggling I only have to say to my friend that I need my Gold Slippers and she knows to pray for me. God is currently teaching me that I need to put on my armour daily as spoken about it Ephesians 6:13-18 rather than feeling the attack coming, allowing it to happen, then trying to pick myself up.
Our God is so good. If somebody is reading this and is suffering with depression, please go to your doctor, get the medication you need and then hand it to God and ask Him to heal you the way that He healed me. If you would like to receive Jesus as your personal savior or know more about Jesus, there are links below that may be of interest to you. And if you need somebody to talk to or pray for you, please contact me. I would be happy to be there for you.
This is my testimony of God�s grace in my life.
How to Accept Jesus as Your Personal Savior
Who Is Jesus
Information on Depression
Father's Love Letter
