She looked at me through hurt eyes now, no narrow slits, cold, hurt eyes that held a suspended air between us. I knew I had said something to, not upset her, but offend her and it�s something I should have probably throw into the general swing of conversation on that first Saturday when she found out I had a teddy called Fluff and a mole on my left butt cheek.

�She�s flying in today, were due to get married in February,� maybe not good to add fuel to an already blazing fire.

I couldn�t quite find the emotion that fit best, but I knew one thing was mighty clear to me and that was that I was hurt, the bastard got me good and he didn�t even know he was holding a knife.

�You say you wish to understand me, say you see many insights and then you stand here with your high and mighty misconceptions and tell me something like that? Do you really think that matters to me? Do you think I stood In that water and took my clothes off for you because I was a confused little loner who had some kind of crush on the big pop star who took my picture one Saturday?� I raised my voice, not quite caring who heard me as I launched into my stream of �misconceptions�. He looked sorry, he looked little all of a sudden and I wasn�t even started.

�Season I didn�t think that at all, my god you have no idea how wrong you are!�

�I�m wrong? Excuse me, but I do believe that standing right in front of me is a prime example of why I don�t have friends!�

�I�m being honest with you, laying my cards on the table I�m not saying that what you did wasn�t acceptable to me because I could see it for what it was, but there are others that might not and I can�t fuck this up, I�d lose too much,�

�You�d loose too much? Taylor you don�t know what loosing is, you have not the faintest idea what it feels like to lose everything and I�m not even going to waste my breath in telling you. Oh yes, I praise your honesty, piping up and telling little meaningless me that I better not get too used to helping you out if I inadvertently make you hard because I might start liking it too much. You call yourself understanding, you proclaim that I intrigue you and you want to know more, want to understand what it�s like to be surrounded by someone who could accept you as more than just one third, accept you as a whole. I accept you as a whole all right, a whole being of false pretences, wants and needs. You don�t want to know me because if you did and you really cared that much about trying to understand what it means to detach yourself and get lost in a love you wouldn�t be standing here right now saying any of this too me, you�d accept it as is and go on learning,�

�This isn�t about me, you have to learn that I�m not detached, I don�t have the first clue of what it�s like to be detached and severed from things so you have to forgive the odd thing. I�m not conceited or self-absorbed and I�m other are not in total control of me, I though you understood we were total opposites who were curious as to each other�s lives. You can�t expect me to grasp everything with two hands straight off the bat! Season please don�t do this, you know what�s up with that now I�ve been honest and truthful and then maybe you�ll be able to get a better insight into me now because of that,�

�You don�t see what I�m saying Taylor- yes, you may very well understand me, it didn�t quite seem like it when you were trying to pick what happened on Saturday apart with a fine tooth comb a second ago, but okay, you say you grasp that at least. Then you stand there and tell me your engaged, like that�s supposed to hit with a nine iron and I�m supposed to stop being me and how I am just because your worried about the misconceptions other people might be getting about our friendship. Now don�t tell me your standing there and saying that sounds like an acceptable statement from a man who wants to learn a balance of two different ways of life, the detached and the attached?

There was another iffy pause and there was a split second when I was looking at him, exhausted and feeling sicker by the second that I mentally deemed myself of being too hard on him. But he had to just get it into his brain that this wasn�t something I could take as lightly as a shrugging of my shoulders and an apology that if he doesn�t think it�s wise for that kind of friendly helping hand to exist between us, it wouldn�t happen again. I�d been hurt too much and I�d promised myself too much to just go an abandon what I�ve known for the past 10 years on a whim to this man who has this big idea that there is enough of him to go around, that he can live a bit of every life so he can understand everyone. In my eyes- that�s just playing god.

I couldn�t quite believe the hole I had dug for myself and she showed no sign of understanding me, but I knew that�s not because she wanted to it�s because I�d said all the wrong things at all the wrong times in this conversation and to her I wouldn�t my betting my personal worth that she thinks I�m nothing but shallow and blind, doing a total 360 from the guy who, just over a month ago sat with her and told her openly that the world didn�t understand him as well as he thought he could be understood.

�I hope you have a lovely wedding Mr.Hanson but unfortunately you�ve just shown me there�s not enough room in my life for two,�

Before I could realize what she�d said she�d run back up to the clearing and disappeared through the bushes like a lightning bolt.

�SEASON WAIT!� I yelled as I hotfooted up towards the clearing only to see her almost at the parking lot, hastily looking for a cab waiting to bus a tired family back to the burly city. She seemed to be having a hard time finding one so I decided to chance it, run down the path that cut through the recreational field and stop at the parking lot. She turned to see me yelling after her but no sooner had I reached the wooden fence surrounding the lot, she�d jumped in the back of a yellow cab a family of four had only just vacated.

And just like that, I felt my very large foot in my amazingly small mouth grow very, very un-comfortable.