I'd come home to find Hyde dosing in my deck hammock, lightly swaying to and fro, snoring softly as I sent my bag and file down by his empty water glass and kicked of my shoes to clamber in with him. He'd lazily shifted a little, kissing my cheek blindly as he wrapped his arm around me, coaxing us into a light pre-dinner doze, the type that would soon become a rare luxury in our joint working lives. The fact Taylor's dolly-bird was nowhere to be found, and I'd not seen a hair on Taylor's egotistical head for pushing 26 hours was soothing in itself as I let my hand dip under his loose fitting shirt, resting on his cool skin as I nuzzled in closer to his chest. Spending many a night like this in LA made it hit home that when he starts work at 9 am tomorrow-this relationship was going to hit a higher, much more real plateau and that would mean more resistance to my idiotic past.
I sat perched on Taylor's bed, awaiting his return home with eagerness and dread. Three times this afternoon I'd let another man tread floorboards that were meant for him, and I was so callus not to feel a pang of regret about that-yet I still care about him, feel an awkward type of love that is manifesting itself quietly in the pit of my stomach, just for him. I smoothed my hand over the comforter laid out on his bed neatly, my eyes scanning round the typically teenage room, with the stash of adult mature ness propped up on the bookcase in the form of Maya Angelou and Tennyson.
It felt good to be consumed by Hyde-it felt good to know that in doing what we did, we realized that we hadn't fallen foul to the relationship demon that was waiting to swallow us whole when we said three.....tiny little words. I still wanted more from Hyde, not much more but enough to know Taylor was 'the one' I'd been scowering 18 years of existence for, thus the purpose of us setting up another meeting at the weekend. It sounded so seedy, so wrong but I couldn't say to Taylor, to his perfect face and his perfect soul that I loved him when temptation was beckoning me away from his arms-so I'm dousing the fire of temptation now so I don't end up burning myself and I feel the same goes for Hyde. No matter how much he cares for Alba, he still can't be sure and if he made a wrong turning with her and lost his head, lost it all because he wasn't sure-it's offset him as much as it would me to be wrong about what I felt for Taylor. It was wrong yet, it didn't feel wrong to be with another man and then come home to Taylor, kissing me in that way that he does-making sure I was okay in the night and making sure I had enough small change for the parking meter in town. So here I sat, waiting for him to come home so I could apologize for being the bitch last night-problem resolved, I'll know in a matter of days if I can love him, and him alone.
I was totally numb to everything that I'd seen. I couldn't think about it properly, I couldn't focus on the fact that Beau had gone behind my back and let another man in like that when she knows I would be there in whatever way when she needed it. It wasn't even the fact I knew about this that numbed me-it was the fact that in someway, Alba has to know about this. Sure, I could sit on my hands and not tell her and then watch it as one day she'd walk in and the evidence would be there or he'd confess to her in the bid to be a better man, or I could help her avoid all that by telling her myself. But she wouldn't believe me, I'd be accused of lying for personal gain more than likely and I'd only pile more shit onto the garbage pile of our track record. Unfortunately the way I see it as I have more to loose with Beau than I do with Alba-so I'd have to tell her.
Something else I knew, was that I couldn't go home to Beau-not yet. The shock had to settle in my system a little before I could see her, knowing she's lying to my face. Stepping up to Isaac's front door I banged on it loudly and repeatedly until he came to the door, looking rather shocked. 'Fuck Tay, what's with the war drums on the door?' he spat as I pushed past him rudely into his living room, the heat of the comfortable setting, beer on the table, TV blaring out NFL, promptly turning to see my older brother looking at me angrily. I felt extremely small and weird as I looked at him, arms folded over his chest, his foot tapping like after for an explanation. 'I need to talk to you,' I gulped as he unfolded his arms and sat back in his lazy boy, grasping for his beer eagerly. 'If it's advice you want I won't give it-not after the way you spoke to me earlier-you made your bed, lay in it for all I care,' His words were harsh and so very un-Isaac like, but I knew that I deserved them for not listening too him. I'm very sure he had valid points-but I'd have to think about that once I've thought about this properly and I just have to know what's best-leave it and watch Alba fall to pieces, which I wouldn't want for anyone...or tell her myself and get the slaps for it. 'Okay so I deserved that,' I sighed as I sat down on the sofa, my black leather jacket rustling as I sat back comfortably. 'What's fallen down in your life now?' Isaac asked, a little harshly as he flipped off the TV with the remote and sipped his beer, finally looking my way. Hanging my head and ringing my hands over and over, rubbing the palms on my thighs to get rid of their clammy feel. 'I went to Alba's to pick Beau up, to apologize, to act like a proper boyfriend, my determination to shake off my past is unbelievable but when I got there I heard screaming from the open kitchen window...I peeped in and....well,' I didn't think I could say it out loud-not when I was not ready to accept what I'd seen but... 'They were on the floor...she...she wouldn't stop screaming at him for more and god I should have seen this coming, I'm such a lousy boyfriend,' I toppled information onto him like a tonne of bricks before covering my face with my hands, rubbing my temples for release from the pressure. There was silence until I heard the creaking of the leather of the lazy boy chair, suggesting Isaac's shuffling. 'Did they see you?' was the first thing to come out of his dumbfounded mouth. I just shook my head and breathed in deeply, pulling my hands away from my face. 'I was going to take her out to make up for how much of an ass I was last night, but I just walked away, leapt in the car, drove for hours and then came here-she'll be waiting for me at home no doubt but I can't see her, not when she's going to lie to my face,' I stammered as Isaac settled down his empty beer bottle on the table once again. 'I take it Alba has no idea Hyde's been cheating on her?' he established as i laughed out in anger. 'If she did she's a veeeeeerry understanding girlfriend-fuck, once again me and Alba find ourselves thrown into shit together yet this time, it's not our faults,'
Finally it was getting to me inside, the thought of my relationship being threatened was more than enough to shock me into thinking Beau was much more than my past-and I should forget about it and turn my attention fully on her, but today it showed me-perhaps I was too late? 'Taylor you not a bad partner, you had a stupid row about not having sex one night, the girl dotes on you, she's put up with you being away for months and now your back your just finding your feet in a physical everyday relationship, one row doesn't warrant sleeping with another guy!' Isaac was shouting at me, but only so as I would listen, but his reply sparked off more questions. ' He's not just another guy though is he Ike? It's Hyde, Alba's stupid tall-assed boyfriend! And if Beau really cared she wouldn't do that to me, finding our feet or not! Or maybe she's just come here, had a couple of weeks of me and realize, the sex is great but that's it-there's nothing else as far as she's concerned, that could be it too,' I was building more bridges to cross and I knew it, but there was no real reason unless I asked her straight out and I know, no matter how shallow and how intrusive I've been in the past-I can't do that to another person. 'Taylor I don't know what you want me to say here-I'm no good with girls, I want to be but Christ knows I'm not! You just got to prioritise-if you love her, confront her, work it out and live happily ever after, if you can't see a future, tell her you know and it's over and maybe your just not suited as well as you thought, stop being over dramatic about being put back in shit with Alba, it's not your job to go into battle there. She'll find out or he'll tell her out of guilt, concentrate on your own options instead of someone else's,' I knew he was right. Unlucky in love he was, wrong, he wasn't-ever. I sighed and looked at him silently, not caring if it showed this upset me, but not to the point of tears. My rage was contained but my anger was waiting to be bestowed upon Hyde or possibly Beau. If she said it was a mistake, could we really work though this to make it work? Or was Isaac right? Maybe now we've been together a bit the relationship has turned sour, when we were apart we worked better perhaps?
Just then the shrill ringing of the phone interrupted the calm silence. Isaac leapt up to get it but I caught him by the wrist and simply said. 'She'll be looking for me, I bet it's her...please just screen it,' I begged as Isaac rolled his eyes and settled back in his chair just as the answer phone clicked on. My psychic memory never fails to serve me well.
'Isaac? Hi um, it's Beau listen if you've seen Taylor of if he's with you can you just let him know that I'm at his house, missing him with his half of the pizza going cold. I'm worried as to where he is, he didn't say he was going to be late-shit I sound like his wife! But you know what I mean...oh well if you see him, tell him I'm at home, waiting...bye,'
Isaac looked at me sullenly as I covered my face with a cushion, trying to suffocate my problems away. 'She ordered pizza, the guilt is starting to show...,' Isaac whispered under his breath as I promptly threw the cushion at him childishly. 'Don't you think I know that...god what a mess, I can't go home and see her without wanting to shout at her, but I want to be sure.....if she slept with him just once, that I could forgive but as sadistic as it sounds perhaps...,' Isaac threw the cushion back and preceded to finish my sentence. 'If you catch her again it would seem more real? It's not sadistic to think that Taylor, you just don't want to presume...even if she was fucking him on the kitchen floor but I guess you need more to throw at her than that,' I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or supportive, but his tone suggested he meant no sarcasm in his words as I pulled off my jacket as he reached for the phone. 'I'll tell her you came round and crashed but I want no part of this Taylor and I'll only help you out this once if you promise not to go to Alba, don't ruin this for her-she'll only hate you all the more,' he warned, pulling the aerial out on the cordless and pointing at me like a sword. 'I'd say we pretty much screwed everything up, so I don't see how she could hate me anymore but....I suppose,' I mumbled as Isaac started punching in the digits for his old abode, lying for me as best he could. But as I shrugged of the arms of my jacket and kicked of my shoes, padding into the kitchen I rested against the counter thinking that I probably wouldn't keep my latter promise. If indeed Beau and Hyde (god forbid) were having a relationship behind our backs, it'd be best to put her out of her misery now-she's said she loves him, but he, like Beau with me-doesn't feel as strongly about his other half as that other half originally thought. As much I wish I had to deal with this as my own problem I couldn't. Short and sharp word would have to be said-there's nothing worse she could do to me, except I could go for breaking her again? But this is so conflicting! Yes No? Do I Don't I? He was Alba's boyfriend and Beau was my girlfriend....looks like if I tell her, everyone will come to blows, doesn't it?
Hyde had been unusually quiet last night. He just held me a lot, kissed me and kept telling me how much it meant to him to have someone like me supporting him on everything he does. I guess I should feel enthralled by that, but I also feel a tad suspicious. I'm always letting my head think out everything even when most of the time, what I find is totally unfounded shit anyways. It was his first day freelancing at his friends out of town studio and I'd been the typical girlfriend and packed him up, filled his gas tank and given him a mandatory morning quickie before he left refreshed and satisfied before my very eyes.
I was sitting on the bench outside of a small patessire that had just opened a few doors down from the studio. I was munching on an appetizing apple doughnut when I saw the dusky outline of Taylor, walking down the street in his usual 'hands in pocket I don't give a fuck' way. The pissed sigh I released only heightened my stressful day as I picked up my poly cup of coffee and my bag and doughnut and started walking in the opposite way, deciding on the spur to take the long walk back. This town was too small either that or he'd enquired of my where about's at reception. Either way I was walking double time back to burry myself in work. 'Alba, please don't walk away I have to talk to you,' He must have the strides of a gallivanting deer to catch up with me so fast. I was all about ready to lift the lid on my coffee and throw it in his face telling him that when I meant 'stay away' in no matter what phrasing I said it in-I still meant it. But his voice sounded gravely, heavy and tired and most of all so soft and non threatening that it made me want to spin round on my heal and look at him face to face.
'Don't expect a greeting-what do you want? And what are you my stalker ?' I asked in my best bitch-esque style tone. 'Is there somewhere we can go and talk in private, this isn't the right place to say what I have to say,' he shyly asked, flipping his hair out of his eyes. Slinging my hip out as I adjusted my bag I looked at his dishevelled appearance and felt myself seeing the cute 'tyke' in him shine through. 'Fuck that Taylor, say what it is here and now or walk with me because my work waits for no man,' I barked as he pulled my onto the grassy bank gently by the elbow as I got the impression whatever it was-wasn't good. 'Waaaaaaaait a second, your acting a little oddly Taylor, even for you don't tell me, this is the part were you profess you undying love and shit and I'm supposed to say forget the past lets fuck now? Am I right? Look I said I didn't believe you had forgotten what happened, you said you didn't believe me but we HAVE to find a way to forget this and going over and over it and blurting out stupid things like this won't help any,' I rambled off as he looked around him, agitated and flustered as he grabbed my wrist to stop me from dramatizing. 'It's nothing to do with us, the past crap but it is about you and me,' he lulled as his blue eyes flitted to meet mine for the first real time since I turned around. I laughed a little as I shook of his grip and took a bite of my doughnut. 'See I knew it! Taylor there is no you and I, I dunno about you but I'm happily taken!' I scoffed as I saw anger rise in his cold blue eyes. Just then he grabbed my shoulders and shook me a little to shut me up.
'YOU NOT! YOUR NOT! YOUR NOT! HE'S SLEEPING WITH .....with Beau,' he yelled as I kicked him away from me, just as his voice lowered and dipped as I looked at him through wide eyes. I stood stoic for a moment, absorbing his words as I looked at his heaving body, clutching it's breath as he scraped back his hair and let it fall free again. I couldn't believe his words of jealousy, anger and sheer frustration that now it was his time to think about what happened, he's found some feelings he wants to elaborate on but it's too late. I pulled the lid off my now cold coffee and hurled it at him head on. 'Don't fucking lie to me just because your screwed up! Stay away from me, from Hyde, from my house.....YOU LIE! YOU LIE! YOU FUCKING WELL LIE!' And with that little showdown , I hitched up my bag and ran for the safety of the studio, a tear or two of hurt running down my cheek. What the hell was he on? Random player and today's way to piss Alba off is to make an accusation like that just so he could get his way with me again? God no. He was low, he was shallow but I'd never thought words like that would come from his mouth-and about his own girlfriend. Guess some people will never find true happiness.