Beau was acting so distant, so short and brash this evening. When I’d come home i found her curled up on my bed sleeping peacefully, fully clothed, shoes still on and her bag slumped down the side of my bed as if she'd just walked in a collapsed down upon it in sheer exhaustion. She looked pale and fearful of something when i tried to hold her in my arms, shortly after dinner. Her attitude was not helping my bad head any, it had been looming all day since Alba had shouted that she didn't believe me when i said what we had was forgotten and fully buried in the past-because i knew she was right. I had no control over what i was thinking and why i was when she came to mind, maybe I’m overly frightened that we might let something happen again?
We had out backs to each other, clutching onto the quilt as we lay in bed, both obviously awake and thinking about things that were bugging both of us, but we were too consumed and tired to question each other. Deciding that my relationship was with Beau and not Alba, i should grab the bull by the horns and focus on my main priority-satisfying Beau and giving her all she wants and all she needs from me. I turned over and leaned up a little, looking at her settled body, her eyes fluttering a little as she dreamt about ice cream on a hot day and bunnies in a green field. I smoothed my hand over her bare shoulder, and down the top of her arm, letting it fall to her bare breasts gently as i noticed her flinch a little at my touch. 'Taylor,' she winged groggily as i scooted over closer to her as i dipped my hand to the curve of her hip and stroked the milky flesh gently. Leaning down i trailed my lips from her ear down the side of her neck with soft, tonguing flutter kisses as i felt her hand cover mine and her soft moans escape her lips. 'Please baby not tonight,' she sighed, her eyes still closed as she shrugged her shoulder to shake my advances off. 'Come on Beau, it's been two nights, i miss you,' any excuse to find a reason to drown myself in her to further myself from my past would be welcomed. I loved the way she made me feel when we were together and even more so after today and her attitude, i felt that we were both letting ourselves get run down and the only way to build up resources is to indulge in each other a little more. I continued my assault on her skin as i let my fingers creep beneath the waistband of her panties, pushing them aside as i continued to interest her in being with me tonight. But she grabbed my hand and pulled it away with force and turned her head to look up at me angrily.
'I said no Taylor, i don't want to okay, please respect that,' Her eyes were boring into mine as she sternly stated her limit and how close i was to pushing it. 'You've been cold and funny since i came home Beau, is something on your mind? We can talk about whatever it is,' I was irritated that she seemed to pick me up and down like a pen at this time, we have sex when she wants it, when she instigates it-but never when i do and truth be told, that bugged me. She wasn't the one wearing the trousers-we both were. 'I just don't feel like it okay? Do i have to give you a reason? I'm tired, i feel heady and dizzy and i just want to get some sleep. Don't dig into something that isn't there Taylor,' she warned as she flumped back down into her indented pillow and presided to hitch the covers round her higher as she closed her eyes again. By this point she had me riled and with my anger from earlier today still being unable to be vented, i just snapped. 'Don't give me cause to dig then! God, it's like you have me on tap when it's suitable for you, i just want to be with you yet yesterday you were tired, which was fair enough but today it's like I’m transparent-you've been in your own little world all evening, you didn't even tell me what happened with your day recording today!' I flung my hands about like a conductor as i flipped back my covers and grabbed the blanket over on my pile of clothes and my pillow and stormed round to her side of the bed. 'Taylor where are you going? Get back in bed!' she hissed sitting up in bed as i opened the door a little. 'No, I’m going to sleep in the guest room, i don't want to get the third degree for brushing against you in the night,' i mocked as i started to step out the door. 'Oh Christ Taylor, stop being so childish-just because I’m not in the mood tonight gives you no right to get stroppy,' she laughed as i clutched my blanket and pillow tightly and felt the anger rising in me, too much stress and tension racking my body for me to fight my own girlfriend. 'I'm being childish? Beau, your my girlfriend, you should be able to tell me anything, whatever is on your mind and don't shit me and say your not thinking about something because you don't act like you have this evening when your fine and dandy, get some sleep and I’ll see you in the morning,' With that i shut the door behind me and went to bed down in the guest room, the problems mounting up in my mind with every footstep. I decided that i needed a vent, someone to lean upon that wouldn't judge-but i knew that i wouldn't find on that understanding to the past situation with Alba. I promised her i wouldn't tell but upon fighting with my inner demons, i decided I’d go around and see my elder brother in the morning. It wasn't ideal but he'd listen. Beau was a cause for concern now, she never keeps things from me, if she is-what is it and why is Alba distracting me to the point of aching?
Living life on my own was daunting enough-it didn't help my cause that i happened to have a million boxes still waiting to be unpacked a week into my new found independence. I was grateful for the break from recording, touring and smiling 24/7, but i was even more grateful for the chance to set out on my own.
I'd not seen much of Zac or Taylor since i moved in last week, but what with Beau playing house guest-i didn't expect to see Taylor much, despite news that Alba is back in town and they had a rather, awkward run in at the dinner dance (that i flat out refused to go too-through lack of a decent date) But whatever was going on, i was still standing, sitting on my new master bedroom floor at the foot of my new 'romanticist' four poster bed with a box of old lyric books, flipping through some of my very first ventures into the world of song writing, smiling when i saw the gold asterisks in the corners of songs that had made into the studio at some point or another. Just as i set one book down and reached for another, i heard my younger brother hollering in the hallway, obviously letting himself in with the key I’d slipped mom in-case-of-emergency. 'Up here Tay!' i yelled back as i set all the books in a neat pile before picking them up and finding space for them on my new Oakwood bookcase over near my desk and computer. I heard his thudding footsteps stop suddenly as he slugged into the room looking tired and dishevelled. 'Hey Isaac, your still unpacking?' I noticed his smile was drab as he flopped down on the edge of my bed as i turned to greet him, pulling the rest of the books and folders out of the box and shifting them onto the bookcase as well. 'Don't say it with such amazement-when you do this you'll realize that over the years you accumulate a lot of junk!' i laughed as i threw the box onto another empty pile before running my hand through my hair in triumph i was another box down. But as i saw Taylor gangly laugh die quicker than normal i noticed him wringing his hands over and over and knew that this wasn't a social call. 'I get the distinct impression you didn't come here to help me unpack more boxes....what's tormenting you this week?' i encouraged as i walked over to sit by him as he huffed and puffed, searching his dictionary of a mind for the right words. 'I had this argument with Beau last night, it was stupid really. All it was about was, she was rather distant last night, she didn't talk much, no smile nothing and it surprised me because that's not how she is, then were in bed and i tried to get her to open up a little, relax some and she gets all defensive, she didn't even want me to touch her-so i went to sleep in the guest room,' His words were coming out in a tone of shock that this situation actually happened, but as much as i wanted to believe he was having problems in the bedroom, i think it was much more than that.
He looked at me expectantly as i drunk in his hurt puppy dog expression i sighed and looked at the cracking face of my, supposedly "stronger" younger brother. I was the fool in love, the hopeless romantic, he was the straight down the line, equal parts to the relationship-model guy and Zac was.....the comforter, the tower of strength. But now i see Taylor was absolutely none of the things i thought previously. 'It's about Alba isn't it? Since you met again at the dinner dance, you've had the past in your head about-your petty arguments and your stupid rows, Taylor, dude please tell me she's not on your mind,' His eyes widened when i mentioned her name, his gaze quickly shifting to the wooden floor as i waited for the answer. 'It's kind of hard not to be thinking about it when Beau just happens to know her boyfriend and he's offered to do a single song demo for her,' I pricked my ears up to listen as i wondered that maybe for the first time, Taylor might be honest about what really happened between them. 'I so wish to god that it wasn't me in this mess, i can't help thinking that Beau's distracted attention has something to do with Alba's boyfriend, and i can't help thinking that i might be resurrecting the past because she got to vent to me about everything before we left-but i didn't,' he seemed so content to stare at the floor and poor out his concerns, but it didn't help me much, or him o that matter if he just told me the story in bits. I know what i over heard between Taylor and Alba on one of the last days of recording in her office. There words about confusion and frustration and that it meant nothing, Taylor had to fill me in on this for his sakes.
'You going to have to tell me properly Taylor, i can't chew the meat if you only throw me the bones,' i encouraged as i patted my brother on the back as he stood up to walk around my bedroom, hands in pockets and he stood over by the bay window. 'She came around the other night and we made a promise, i don't want to lose Beau and she doesn't want to lose Hyde so we said we'd never tell, no matter how screwed up what we did made us,' I stayed sitting on the bed, looking round at him with his back to me, muttering away. 'I can't help you if you don't tell me,' i coaxed as he sighed, his shoulders dipping in anxiety. 'My problem is about my relationship with Beau and how she's been the last couple of days, the Alba argument series is old, i can cope with that,' He was so desperately trying to throw me, grimacing almost to bit his tongue from telling me what he promised her he wouldn't-but i knew he would have to tell someone soon. 'Tay, in all fairness, you don't get as muddled as you are because of some petty row with your girlfriend about having sex one night-this is about some past shit with Alba and you know it. Now you can either stand here and come clean so maybe then it'll be off your chest and you can focus about what matters, Beau-or you can clam up and blame all your problems and headaches on stupid arguments with your girlfriend,
So maybe coming to see Isaac wasn't the bright spark idea I’d made it out to be in my mind. I should have remembered he was always the first to see straight through me, regardless of what it is. As i stood looking down onto his huge back garden and pool, i realized that maybe he was right-i was making out a petty argument to be a big thing and maybe my worries about Hyde and Beau's "friendship" were totally unfounded. 'If it helps, i already know what happened the night of the staff dinner,' his words were chilling and carefully toned as i shut my eyes at the realization that my problem was not being able to rid this off me by telling someone. 'Well if you know that then you can work the rest. She went to her sisters and came back and i went over to call a truce to the stupid games we were playing, we kissed and then she fell asleep on me, when she woke she called you to come and get me,' i started as kept my eyes closed, seeing the pictures flick by cinematically as i spoke. 'We went out one night for a 'friendly dinner' tried to show each other we could be civil and work together and that went well and then....i don't really remember the next couple of days but i do remember stumbling into her house, and we were ripping each others clothes of and we...well...on the kitchen table,' i felt myself smirk slightly at the minxing thought of what we'd done last night. I was ready for Isaac's moral horror to shout at me but it never came, so i continued. 'Then night after night almost we ended up in bed together, no strings sex that came as easy as running water. I think we were both under the impression that when we were having sex, we could tolerate each other and put up with one another’s deficiencies but it was confusing and frustrating and i felt myself getting paranoid at one stage that i was feeling too much and so was she. To cut a long story short, the last night i saw her she'd asked me to come round, she was on the deck at her house and she just started laying into me about how she wanted to know what it would be like to feel, to be a proper couple and forget the track record. She told me every time i left her or the handful of times i stayed in her bed all night, she'd feel a twinge of something more and she wanted to know why i couldn't understand that,' I was hurting, in pain and crippling agony, recalling things I’d not wished my mind to think about properly since i saw Alba again. I'd skimmed over the facts of our rough and ready unions, but now trying to explain them to Isaac i did come to the realization that what Alba said to me in the car yesterday about starting to think like she did on the deck a year ago-was *partly* true.
I waited for Isaac to stop me, to just say something to stop my mind twitching. 'What did you tell her?' his voice was parched, as if it was hanging open, catching flies as i let the almost fictional tale unfold. 'She asked me if i could ever love a girl like her, or was i saving the love for my own self use and i just said that it was.....,' i paused as i turned around to see Isaac's shocked expression staring at me expectantly. 'That it was because i *could* love a girl like her that i couldn't have anything more with her. We'd created a monster, we'd turned a petty little trivial thing into something that would be considered our biggest mistakes, i couldn't be with a girl knowing that I’d caused her to behave like that, i almost couldn't stand me because i behaved like that,' Waiting patiently as Isaac deliberated in his mind what to say next, i sat back down next to him feeling dirty and horrible for letting my promise break. But i had to, for fear of breaking Me.
Perhaps Alba had broken me for the first time, and now i knew somewhat of how i made her feel-i felt like an unsure wreck. I felt low and conflicting thoughts were strew hazardless around my mind. For something totally unexplainable, our situation seems to offer up plenty of explainable emotions and thoughts. Looks like i broke her, time and again, four times i recall her spitting out, she's broken me once-but not again.