Propping myself up against my headboard, i looked over to see Beau curled up in a ball with her back to me, her head resting on three pillows i'd swiped from the guest room. By now i should have been over come with sleep, what with a day of work, the shock of my life and great sex-but no, i'm the newest convert to the cult of insomnia. It kept going round in my head, her words of gritted sweetness, her false smiles and bells of laughter-her words of hurt still as strong as the last day i saw her. She said i screwed her head up, that she was willing to be adult about this and the only person standing in the way of that would be me. Her giant of her boyfriend, her lover, her partner was nothing like me in anyway, but then again-why should i be making comparisons? It's not like i loved her for real, it's not like i ever cared about anyone but myself and i didn't care who i used or abused in that stage.
I knew also, that Alba fights for everything she wants, everything she believes in but the last time she said i broke her. A woman i though who was able to resist even the most jumped up of bastards, broke-in-two because of what i did to her. She didn't stop me the last time, perhaps because she knew she couldn't if she tired, i couldn't stop myself-we were just on a runaway train that was set out to end in a fatal crash. There was no love, no feeling and no respect in what we had, and now seeing each other again with our new partners, people we care about and respect, i think it's shown us how raw what we had was, and now we were left with that uncomfortable knowledge-unless someone decided to make amends. Would she always be my Achilles heal? Would i always be hers because of one, lusting mistake?
'Taylor, go to sleep,' Beau mumbled as she turned over and threw her arms in my lap, her tired groans sounding like a wife to a husband when he's come in one hour too late from the bar. I looked down at her, snuggling her head comfortably half on her side of the bed and half on my side, her t-shirt bunched up round her hips, her feet meshing the quilt up into a whipped frenzy. 'I'm going downstairs to get some water,' i whispered in her ear before kissing her cheek, and settling her hands down on the bed before i pulled myself up to standing, swiping a sweatshirt from my pile of discarded clothes and looked back to Beau, snoozing softly. If i could break Alba, could i break Beau? Would this relationship blow up in my face if i demanded too much or too little of her? Would this mistake never go away?
Tossing my dirty plate and juice glass into the sink, i gripped the piece of toast in my teeth tightly as i tied my hair back in a bunched mess, my bag swinging round on my shoulder as i turned to exit the kitchen, and promptly bumped into my very own sleeping beauty. 'Ever keeping late baby,' he beamed sleepily. Looking on him with mock hurt, i removed the toast from my mouth, kissing him sweetly with buttery lips. 'Eh, why change the habit of a lifetime-besides, Steve's not any better. So what are your plans for today, in 50 words or less, time ain't my buddy this morning!' I joked as he padded into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge and promptly stuck his head inside, rummaging through left over's and half opened bottles of milk. 'Probably give Beau a call, if she wants help with a demo, i can only give her 3 days so, knowing you woman, i better kick her butt some otherwise i can't help her,' The sudden mention of the tooth-fairy's name, instantly brought Taylor to mind. So much for my best foot forward and happy smiley-work face. 'Hey better watch it with the girlie stereotypes there buddy, listen i'll be back about 5 i guess, any later i'll call and look in the basement and you'll find some mics and leads if you need it,' I waved as he brought out the empty juice carton and looked at me expectantly. 'Force of habit,' i muttered with a smile as he slam-dunked it in the bin. 'Well thanks baby but she said she'd swipe some stuff off Mr.Mega-Bucks boyfriend,' he mocked as he rubbed his fingers together to indicate his wads of black-homie style cash. I had to laugh at him, he always knew how to silently put his foot in it and always knew how to silently, take it out again. 'I better be going, don't trash the place, no strippers yada yada yada,' i wafted as he shooed me out the door from the table with one waft of his hand.
On my way to my old, yet new work place, i took time to think about things rationally since last night. My mind was preoccupied with deck-sex, as brash it's sounds, it's true, and now i was left with the prospect i may walk through the door to my house this evening and find Taylor's dip-shit arm candy in my living room howling the cobwebs down from the ceiling. It had almost slipped my mind that i was suspicious about how Hyde got acquainted with her, but after hissing fits at Taylor last night at the bar, i had no right to go making any accusations when i really had no obvious reason to be alarmed. As i pulled down the studio's road, my mind kept playing over Taylor's words. How 'he' was sorry things happened like they did, but then again he wasn't because it helped me, find the real me. It was anything and everything he could say all rolled up into one tidy little speech-yet it still bugged me to the hilt. I can't erase him and now he's back in my life, much to the annoyance of the on looking heart strings. I decided is Princess Cat-o-wall was going to be at home today, (with the odds of 2:1 she would be) I'd make a de-tour on my way home from work, just to set a few ground rules with Mr.Mega-Bucks himself. Adults we are, adults we shall behave like......(I hear my brain chanting 'fat fucking chance' as it whirrs...)
Since Taylor's fitful sleeping pattern last night, i found myself a little drawn and zoned today, but being the professional i claim to be, i ventured out after having breakfast at a diner with Taylor, to take Hyde's offer of starting my demo today. I was now sat in a comfortable living room whilst he pottered about down in the basement with half of Taylor's equipment we'd managed to pile in the back of the car, over the watchful eye of Isaac (i might be a little clumsy but i'm not stupid). I'd over heard Isaac and Taylor talking about Hyde's girlfriend before i left as well, saying what a good job she did on the album with their producer. But Taylor looked unsure of his words-maybe it was his lack of sleep, but why didn't he sleep well?
'All set,' Hyde called up from the basement, busting me out of any concerned thought. Picking up my stuff i made my way down the stairs to the basement, where i found Hyde sitting behind a keyboard sipping gingerly on a cup of steaming java. 'Well doesn't this look quite the professional outlet?' i joked as i dumped my stuff and walked up to him, arms folded over my chest as he thrust some manuscript my way. 'Take a look at what i have for you too use, if you have your own song to do i'm sure i can get acquainted with that,' he winked as he left me phathoming melodies and harmonies and set about putting my leads in more ports. As i turned my head to explore the surroundings more i noticed on top of the TV and video in the corner, was a photo of two smiling faces in a silver frame on top of the TV. Walking over too it i saw Hyde and Alba, arms around each other looking into each others eyes, sweet lovable smiles adoring their faces as the sun set in the background. 'Okay i'm.....whatcha got there?' Hyde quipped as he walked over too me, rubbing his neck as i looked up at him with a smile. 'Just this, you two make a stunning couple,' i beamed as he blushed a little and took the photograph out of my grasp and studied it himself. I saw his eyes gloss over with memories and a smile tug at his lips as he scanned the photo intently. 'She's very special too me,' he sighed as he reached over to stand the photo back on top of the TV and turned to face me, my wistful look obvious catching his eyes. 'You and Taylor seem quite happy together although i gotta say, i didn't think the striking blonde guy was your type,' he chuckled as i poked him gently. 'A girl can change her mind can't she? Although, i still like em' tall, dark and handsome,' i flirted as he grabbed his mug of coffee from the table near the keyboard. 'Yeah, exactly how did we get into that one nightstand? I defiantly wasn't drunk,' he laughed as i settled into a stool in front of the microphone. Interesting question. 'Because i thought you were hot and i was attracted to you, and i wasn't disappointed either,' My words were serious as i looked at him pensively, drinking in his chiselled jaw, his smooth skin, dark brown hair and striking facial features. His big, strong hands were gliding over the keyboard aimlessly before one dragged his floppy fringe behind his ear sexily. 'You were attracted to me?' He questioned with a raised tone of voice and a matching eyebrow. Swallowing shyly i nodded, resisting the temptation to break ranks and say, if i had chance and opportunity again, i'd try for more than a one night stand.... 'You never know, if i was a couple of years older, it might have been more,' A neutral look glazed his face as he place his now empty cup down on the floor beside him, before running a hand through his hair and smiling uncomfortably. I knew i was letting on too much, i didn't even know why i was letting on that much...i hadn't really thought much about it after the couple of weeks after i'd pulled my clothes back on, stole one last kiss and walked out of that room leaving him where he belonged-as a notch on my bedpost, in my past. Clearing my throat i broke out in smile and decided to brake the tension, passing my admission off as nothing more than local hearsay.
'Eh anyway, come on, Taylor's expecting me back for 6, we have dinner plans with Zac and some girl,' Rolling my eyes he shook his head and beamed at me as i picked up the sheets he'd previously handed me and started to get to work for real....although thoughts of our stand were now fresh in the forefront of my mind again and Taylor's drained attitude was fighting for attention of my thoughts too.
Into my first fully fledged work day since i left LA, i found myself willing to help with any task that happened to bumble my way. So far so good, i'd been aside some proofing projects of minor artists and a final edit of a cover version for a good friend of mine on her debut. But during the regular in's and out's of daily studio life, it came to pass that i was just a little bit riled by the memories the place held for me. It went without saying that Steve had brought up some memories of working with Hanson, which subsequently lead me to think about Isaac and what he was doing now, and of course, the bombshell of Taylor being thrust back in my face uncontrollably.
Clocking out earlier than expected, i decided to call Hyde and tell him i was going to get us some take out, and he said Beau would have gone within an hour-not a moment too soon then. Driving down Taylor's road, the stupidity of my past kept trying to move my hands into spinning the wheel round and get the hell out of there and just forget anything. But this would never go away if i didn't try and settle my mind to the fact, i tried to be civil and adult...and to a point, responsible for my actions. Pulling up on the side of the road, i got out and locked the car, staring at the huge family house in front of me as if it, itself held my demons. But swallowing hard and clearing my throat, i took my best foot forward, and prayed i'd know what to say to him by the time i was greeted with his surprised look.
'Alba, what...what are you doing here?' He stammered, opening the door cautiously as i stood awkwardly on the front porch, waiting for inspiration to hit me. 'I just thought we could talk, straighten a few things out,' i mumbled, flipping my hair out of my eyes, looking directly too him, drinking in the face of a thousand mistakes. 'We said all we had to say last night i thought?' he questioned, relenting a little and opening the door a little more to show me him, leaning on the door frame casually in black sweats and a navy blue t-shirt, bringing out his sun bleached blonde locks and his Lumina eyes more. 'We were still in shock then, look even if you don't want to sort this, that's fine but there are others that can't know what happened between us, if it screwed us, what would it do to Hyde and Beau? I can't loose Hyde, and you'd miss out on a tonne of sex if you let Beau go,' I couldn't resist one quip at the tooth-fairy's lilac loving friend. He rolled his eyes and stepped away to let me in, the familiar smell of cologne filling my senses and i pushed passed him and down to the den.
'So talk,' he coughed as he slumped in a lazy boy chair, legs dangling over the side femininely as i perched on the arm of the worn, yet comfy sofa. 'Look, despite the thoughts we still have about this, and don't snigger because you said so yourself you thought about it just as i did, we have to put it aside. I've laid it to rest pretty much but if Beau and Hyde are old acquaintances we may bump into each other more than we'd like,' The words weren't forming at all, nothing was making sense, and he was looking miffed at me, with a slight smile on his lips. 'We fucked up Alba, we fucked up good, we were stupid, irresponsible with no regard for each other-i'd like to think we could just burry this but as it's shown us over a year later, it's not that easy, there's still memories, there's still the odd though.....possibly a feeling or two on your part,' He sounded truthful, yet cocky all at once and his expectant look when he said a feeling or two, produced a laughable reaction for me. 'No Taylor, no feelings, memories that some days i'd like to forget yes, but no feelings,' I sounded hauntingly convincing as he held his hands up in surrender, a corrective look gracing his face. 'Look, i just came here to ask you to just work through this for however long beau and Hyde are in contact, just to be civilized, that's all i ask, if you only do one thing for me, just do that, please,' Begging never hurt any situation much, and i was at the point where i wanted to slap him and break down crying from the stress of it freshly re-weighing on my mind again. He just stood up and walked over to me, indicating me to stand up as i looked at him confused, a look i was starting to resurrect from the Taylor grave in my past. 'We made a mistake, a big mistake, i don't regret it but that's not the point...i'm not so cold, so up myself or heartless to use that against you, so i'll keep my mouth shut,' he sighed before thrusting a hand my way. I looked at it statically for a second before looking to his thoughtful expression, a calmness finally flowing through me as i nestled my hand with his and shook it slowly, and our eyes smiling as we stared at each other harmlessly. Letting my hand fall, i inched away from him as he just nodded and whispered 'goodbye' as i saw myself out, in a eerie cloud of forgiveness and trouble.
The boat is stable for now, but it can so easily topple and rock again, it was a little too premature to breathe a hearty sigh of relief, or close any chapter on that part of my past. But i let myself smile all the way home, knowing that with a little bit of luck and time my past, would indeed, stay past.