I sat by her side, holding her hand for dear life as I rested my head on the hard mattress, the fear and the upset causing me to feel drowsy, not to mention the pain I felt in my ankle. They took her away from me when I brought her in, I was fed up with waiting for the so-called �emergency services� and carried her to the car and drover her here myself. They tidied her up, made her stable and gave her a large dose of painkillers that were now seeping into her bloodstream via the drip bag on the pole beside me. A nurse came in and looked at her every half an hour, scribbled some thing down on her clipboard then left the room after giving me an unprofessional glance of �bed me please, I�m your biggest fan,� They�d not told me much, after all I�m just her companion, it didn�t feel quite right to say I was her boyfriend-if she woke up I wouldn�t know where to start finding out what we meant to each other after what Hyde did to her. I gripped her hand tightly as I snuggled my head down by her side, my eyes looking up at her. She had 14 stitches in the cut on her forehead, covered by a lovely white gauze that covered most of her face. They�d told me to go home and try and look for a contact number for her sister-but I knew I couldn�t. She was stable and I wasn�t moving until she was sitting up and spouting wit left right and centre. It still amazed me that this had all happened-why should it have bothered Hyde to the point of inflicting pain on her? What we did prior to or after their relationship was surely none of his concern? I�m still settling with the fact he couldn�t handle all the blame of the break up and he lashed out at the nearest thing he could because of that.
I was about ready to admit myself to this place, I felt as if I was going round the bend, constantly being told nothing, being left out in the cold about her condition-but I was still here. I�d gone home briefly yesterday to get showered and changed and raced back to find her exactly how I�d left her-I couldn�t make up my mind if that was a good or bad thing. Good she hadn�t gotten any worse, bad that she�d not come round. �Alba I�m sick of talking to myself, well in my head anyway-there are no intelligent life forms round here,� I attempted a muffled chuckle as I squeezed her hand, tearing my eyes away from the bruises on her arms to look at he face. Her cut was healing but the bruises down the side of her face and round her eye weren�t fading and that only crushed me inside. �You know, you would have loved to have seen me yesterday, quite the sight I do believe, a Diva as you would have called me�. god, you know-it doesn�t feel quite right now that you called me your safety and then I let this happen to you, my mother always said I could only just about protect myself,� I was chopping and changing my subjects so I wouldn�t let myself dwell too much, it�d only make me feel more small than I already felt. I shuffled forward a little in my chair to run my fingers over her face, feeling the roughness of her skin, the bumps that had started to swell on impact still as big as they were when he hit her. �I can�t do this Alba, I�m shallow and I�m a horrible, stupid man, but I can�t do this-I can�t let you be with someone who lets this happen! I mean what if�what if god takes you? How am I going to live with myself knowing there was nothing I could have done to stop it? Bloody hell, I keep saying I can�t do this yet I�m too scared to let go of your hand and walk out of this room-maybe it�s because it will prove your old point that I am really nothing but a jackass. I wanted to get through this with you, start a fresh and we did and you totally let me see you, read your book and now I�m almost at the end and I can�t help but think this is where it stops,� I held her hand to my cheek lacing my fingers through hers as I voiced my doubts. �We didn�t do anything wrong, don�t lie there and think we did-he was just looking at someone to off load his blame on-WHAT THE HELL, YOUR NOT LISTENING TO ME!� I cried as I kissed her hand laid it back down with mine on the bed as I used my other hand to blot away a few stray tears, the strain starting to break at my surface, killing my strength to be strong for her little by little by little. �But I don�t want it to stop- but where do I go from here? I know, too many questions, but you gotta let me have that one,� I was pleading with myself to just keep it together even when I want to ransack this room, kicking stuff, breaking stuff to vent my anger at the situation, but then when I felt a small squeeze in my hand, I quickly sat up a surge of excitement pulsed through my body as I eagerly looked at her face, waiting for her to open her eyes. �C�mon Alba, I know you can hear me up there,� I whispered as I kissed her cheek softly, squeezing her hand back waiting for here eyes to open once again. But I was sat waiting for a very long time.
I don�t know how real I wanted it to be really. Couldn�t get anymore real, Taylor sat in there, hour upon hour, just holding her hand, not letting go-just in case. I didn�t want him to know I was here, standing, peering, looking at him resting his chin on the bed, his hand still in hers as he looked up at her, his other hand moving hair out of her face-even though it wouldn�t have made a difference if it was there or not. There was no real reason why I was here, spying on my little brother and the girl that he seemed to have such a strange connection with- but when I saw him lean in an kiss her lips sweetly I got some hint that it had something to do with making sure he realized he loved her.
I paced for a while in the small private waiting room, thinking over everything said between me and Taylor since he�d bumped into her again at the dinner/dance.
� night after night almost we ended up in bed together, having no strings sex that came as easy as running water. I think we were both under the impression that when we were having sex, we could tolerate each other and put up with one another�s deficiencies but it was confusing and frustrating and I felt myself getting paranoid at one stage that I was feeling too much and so was she��
I recalled his words, over and over-the whole conversation swirling round my head and then the thoughts I felt when he came to tell me what had happened when she found out about Beau and Hyde, how he seemed totally different towards everything just because she�d asked to be held in his arms. Maybe I didn�t want him to get hurt, maybe I thought he�d got his wires crossed like I had with her-it was an all too easy thing to do with her. I heard the door opening and I cautiously turned to see Taylor standing before me, run down and pale-looking as ill as she did, but he was still trying to remain strong -the key word being: trying.
�What are you doing here?� he croaked as I picked up the duffel bag I�d packed when I stopped in at moms, filled with his clothes, his book and bathroom essentials. �Here, I came to give you this, mom didn�t think you�d be leaving the hospital again today to get more clothes,� thrusting the duffel bag into his hands as he slung it over his shoulder and ran a hand through his hair. �She could have brought some down herself,� he mumbled as I sipped the last out of my poly cup of water and tossed it in the bin by the side of the water cooler. �Ike, I really don�t need you being the voice of reason right now, so maybe it�s best you leave,� he sighed leaning against the wall, rasping for breath. �I�m not here for that-I�m worried about you, and about Alba, Tay your jaw looks really bad, have you let them check you out?� I questioned as I moved towards him and saw the fading blue-ish tint to the right side of his face. �Fuck what�s wrong with me; I don�t even know what�s wrong with her! No one tells me anything and yet they wonder why I bug them! Christ Isaac, you don�t care about us, your just the sceptic that likes putting his few cents in!� he bellowed as his harsh words hit me hard. I knew he was right though, I�d off no side to the situation when he had asked me to just back him up, I was, in effect, neglecting my duty to him as a brother and as a friend. �I know, your totally right but Taylor it was hard not to be, still, no excuse I know� I replied holding up my hands apologetically. He rubbed his tired eyes in a vain attempt to keep them open for just a little while longer. �Why don�t you go and get some rest in the relatives room, I�ll come and get you if anything changes,� I offered as he looked at me with a static glare. �No offence but brother or not, you don�t care about us, you might care about me but you don�t care about �us� so I think I can handle it,� his bitter words were filtered through a tired, groggy voice, cracking whenever it could, perhaps through talking to Alba a little too much. I understood his reasoning, but his words were still hurting me, but then again in part, I truly deserved them.
He walked over to the water cooler and winced a little as he bent down to help himself to a small cup of water, raising it to his dry lips, sipping lightly. �You love her don�t you?� I boldly spoke watching Taylor look at me as if I had three head, before his shoulders slumped, his head ducking a little as he sighed loudly. But before he could answer both of us looked to the room door, staying silent, straining to hear what we thought was crying coming from inside the room. �Alba,� he gasped, thrusting the water in my hand, spilling it all over me before barging into the room and straight over by Alba�s side, leaving me to fill in the blank.
�Yeah, he does,�
I barged into the room to see Alba wriggling around, her sobs cutting through the air like a knife as I ignored my painful ankle and practically crashed into the chair like a madman. �Alba? It�s okay, shush come on stop crying it�s okay,� I soothed, taking her hand tightly again, my fingers stroking her cheek as she turned to look at me, still sobbing, calming a little as I shushed her and told her I was there. �I didn�t know where I was or where you were,� her voice was horse and parched as she slowly started to speak. She squeezed her eyes closed then open again, trying to wake herself up. �It�s okay I was just outside, I�ve not left you it�s okay everything�s going to be just fine,� I smiled as I placed a light kiss on her cheek. �It�s not though Taylor, it�s all gone wrong and it can�t be made better again, I remember that much,� Her eyes were droopy as she focused on me, slowly coming round, her worried concerns not helping her any. �He�s gone he left, it will be okay, your going to get better and you�ll be right as rain,� my voice was shaky as I moved in closer too her, as I felt her heavy hand cup my bruised jaw, her fingers running over the painful swell and then through my hair as I closed my eyes as her fingers touched me sensitively. �I heard you talking when I was sleeping, you said you couldn�t do this, that you couldn�t help but think was the end of my book, why say those things if�if it�s n. ot,� I cut her off as I noticed she was having a hard time getting used to being awake, the funny feeling she was no doubt being subjected too at the hands of the painkillers. It astounded me some that she could hear some of what I was saying, especially that and now I was left with a choice, be the jackass, or be the man I was trying to prove to her I could be.
I didn�t get a chance to reply as a doctor and the flirtatious nurse rolled through the door, escorting me back out to the waiting room where I was little surprised to see Isaac still sat there, waiting for me as if I hadn�t have said enough to make him spin on his heal and leave. �Is she okay?� he asked as I sat down beside him, relieved and scared all at the same time-it was defiantly at the point where I could totally break myself without any help from another and I didn�t know if I could tunnel my way out of that feeling. �She�s frightened but awake,� I hushed as he nudged the cup of water I had left with him back into my frail hands. �You didn�t answer my question little brother,� I was about ready to throttle the life out of him, his bugging droning voice was eating away at the last of my patience but as I recalled Alba�s eyes, her small whimpers as she remembered what she heard me saying, it was to say the least, disturbing me. �I want to love her so much, well, it�s too late I know I already do but, she doesn�t know it and I�. I said I would keep her safe and I failed her, I�m not a strong person Isaac, I�ve changed, I�ve grown up and I�m not even able to look after myself, let alone her- maybe your right, she was mad for giving me the chance to try and make it all okay,� everything I was saying stung the inside of my mouth as I let it waft out, letting my own insecurities be known as I became ready for the lecture I was sure was waiting to follow.
�She�s not going to blame you for this, it�s clich� but there was nothing you could have done to stop it happening, if not now word would have gotten round to Hyde eventually. Taylor, your stronger than me, than Zac, than anyone else in this family. I never said Alba was mad for giving you another chance, in fact inside I knew it was a good thing for you b both to try and work though what you had created. Alba doesn�t want to be looked after, she just wants to know if she falls down, you�ll be there Taylor- it�s a totally different thing,� I know he was only trying to calm me down, help to make the situation seem straight forward, but I needed to be right, I needed to make a decision and it has to be right, there�d be no going back once it had been said.
I felt like I�d been turned upside down and shook repeatedly, although the new dose of painkillers were starting to kick in nicely. Seems I�m only under obs and then I�m outta this joint-but my injuries weren�t concerning me as much as you�d think. Taylor was pre-occupying my thoughts as I wondered if he really was as okay as he tried to make out. He looked like hell, he sounded tired but most of all his mind was brimming over with confusion and this time, it wasn�t my doing, although I�d rather it have been mine than Hyde�s. I called out to him, hoping he could hear me through the door, where he�d exited over an hour ago. I was starting to think he wasn�t coming back, that he�d just up-ed and left like I�d told him to do last time it came to blows about true feelings but when I saw him saunter through the door, a weak smile gracing his lips I knew that he�d come to face things-head on.
�Sit up here,� I coaxed, patting the side of the bed as he pulled himself up to sit beside me, my hand quickly nestling in his as he turned to look at me. �Can you really not do this Taylor?� I asked boldly as I let my other hand rub his back slowly, calming his breathing as he opened his mouth to reply. �Believe me I want too, but I�m no good at this, I�m designed to be a jackass, I can�t try and pretend otherwise. I screwed up once, I screwed up again-you needed help and I didn�t run to your side, you can�t really give me anymore chances,� I could see how much this was hurting him, probably double the hurt it was inflicting on me but as I watched one salty tear dribble down his cheek I knew he was at a breaking point, a crossroads he�d put me at many times before. But as much as I�d like him to see what it�s like to be broken by something you have no control over-I couldn�t do it to him, not now and not ever. �You held me, I�m guessing it was you that brought me here, it was you that stayed by my side the whole time, it was you that went without a change of underwear for two days-I think that�s proof enough you can do this Taylor,� I watched him smile softly as he turned back to look at me with hopeful eyes. �You remember when I told you we couldn�t get attached and you told me you thought you were? Remember that?� I nodded my head as he covered his other hand over mine. �I knew then that given half a chance and a different scenario I�d want to find out about the real you, what made you tick and what you believed in, I could learn to respect you and care for you. You gave me another chance, let me try and prove I was different than what I led you to believe when we just didn�t care and in a short space of time I found out those things I wanted to know before and then this happens and I�m left dazed and confused once again, but this time it matters so much more, we actually know what we have matters this time� his eyes didn�t leave mine the whole time he was talking as I felt a rush of peacefulness crash over me like a tidal wave. Things became clear again and nothing was blurred or muted, it was all loud and clear once again. Wincing a little as I pulled myself to sit up some more I caught Taylor�s worried glance as I held onto him for dear life to keep me sitting up. �You got attached this time didn�t you?� I smiled as I rested my head on his shoulder, his hand dropping mine as he wrapped his arms around me tightly, and his chin resting over my shoulder. �It was so hard not too-but look what I let happen to you,� he stammered as I pulled away from him and put my hands either side of his face and brought him closer to me. �You love me don�t you?� I asked directly as I held his face so he couldn�t duck from the question. There was a pause before he closed his eyes, bit his lip and let himself go as he nodded :�yes�.
That was my everything right there and then. The author of my book had decided to do another sequel and kept me going, and that�s all I really needed. Maybe I wanted to hear it right from the start and just didn�t know it? Let my stupid fa�ade get in the way so I couldn�t see over the top. It was fine line we constantly trod, skipping over love/hate/love/hate like it was the newest toy from Fisher Price.
�I�m not going through anything else to get you,� I joked lightly as he opened his eyes and shyly laughed, his blue eyes colliding with my brown ones in pure relief. �Thank god, I�m tired of jumping through hoops,� he quipped back as I pushed my lips to his, the moist feeling and sensation as he gently sucked on my bottom lip proving that he was better than any painkiller. Maybe the only pain I ever was in was from him and all I needed was this to make it known there was a drug to cure it. He was his own answer, he was everything he made himself in the end and that was good enough for me. I pulled away from him and rested my head against him and sighed satisfied.Taylor had hurt me, Taylor had loved me. Hyde had loved me and Hyde had hurt me, but if you had asked me 3 months ago I would have been lying in a hospital bed with injuries caused at the hands of Hyde I would have set the hounds on you. If you�d have told me that the person I hated, couldn�t stand and most of all couldn�t stomach, was not the sinner and evil bastard I wanted him to be , I would have shot you down and eaten you for my lunch. But I guess it�s true, you never really do know someone, you think you do then something come out of the woodwork to prove you wrong.
Taylor was the saint who I thought was a sinner who I could learn to love and forgive, and Hyde was a sinner who I thought was a saint-an unforgivable sinner at that.