Hour upon hour went by of us not talking, she left my embrace soon after she nestled into it-calling Steve, telling him she was taking a raincheck on the last few hours she said she would be in originally. I walked inside to find her holding the phone, standing, doing nothing and totally blank in expression as I slowly approached her, not wanting to break the ice I was standing on-that we both were standing on. I didn't understand what had just happened-for once it wasn't about the past, it was about right here, right now and I was totally dumbfounded as to what this bubble of presence was trying to say. It was all so spread out, so slow and so different, is it the novelty start that always ends up wearing off after a few goes? When you don't care anymore about what happens inside your head, but what happens to your heart, I�m sure there is no such thing as a novelty.
But then again as I think, Hyde left this house, left her side in a blaze of undignified glory almost 3 weeks ago now-and what was I to her? The trying subject, grafting hard to try and win her trust and show her I�m a grown and able man, that can quite easily admit when he's wrong and try and sort out his mistakes-or just simply the rebound, regardless of who I am, or what past we've had. 'I better let you get back to finishing your songs,' she muttered, placing the phone back on it's stand as she folded her arms over her chest and pulled at her top, as if she was unsure of what to do or say next. 'I guess I better had, deadlines are deadlines, even though there only Ike deadlines and there relatively flexible,' I attempted a small quip as a reserved laughter and shy smile soon flashed it's way at me. And then it hit me.
We were nervous.
I couldn't feel my body, I was totally and utterly numb and out of control- and I liked it. Neither of us knew where to look, what to say or how to act, all this coming from two very troubled young souls. 'So anyway, I guess I�ll see you in a couple of days,' His words jolted me out of my haze quickly, as he took it as his male duty to break the tension and take the lead. Tucking my hair behind my ears and clutching at the sides of my thin summer top even more the fabric was straining I managed to find the power of speech. What�s my problem? What is going on in my head? Is this everything I want to be thinking and everything I don't want to be thinking all in one go? Or was it just a pure and simple case of: Being on the re-bound. Looking at his awaiting expression I sighed with a nodding smile: 'Sure, okay...well, you know where I am,' God this is like high school.
I'd gotten a phone call from Taylor yesterday asking to come round, see how I was doing and if I needed a muscular man to help move Hyde's mixing desk up from the basement. I don't know why he carted the thing here from LA in the first place but he did, it's here and it's going to be out of the front porch in a couple of days time. His light hearted banter and cheery attitude almost made my head hurt, that maybe all the thinking I had done since I�d thrown our situation once again into the hands of the gods-had just washed over him like an early morning shower. I really couldn't be sure of what was going on, but all I could say that I knew I missed falling asleep in the house knowing someone else was there, even if that someone else was Taylor. Unless I was very much mistaken, we'd both been acting like adults right up to and including the point when we kissed, so why now are we treating this like a high school issue? Girl and boy talk, they kiss, act all shy and then one of them acts like it never happened. Maybe this time he really was the adult in this trial 'friendship' and I was the biggest two faced cow I�d ever known. Maybe he just assumed I was on the rebound, longing for Hyde to come back even though I don't want someone back who's been tainted by another woman. I have no clue what I�m doing, weather I�m re-bounding or making a fool of myself in this last chance to try and correct the wrong path I chose to walk down with Taylor. Or maybe it was something else, something much more than I could even contemplate thinking about-or maybe I�m just loosing my marbles thinking about one too many marbles. I have an ache in my heart for Hyde and the damage he's done to me inside, yet I�d never take him back and then I have an ache in my head for Taylor, thinking about rectifying the wrong's I�d partaken in. I want someone to hold me and tell me they care, I need to be told I�m needed I guess, I need to be told my feelings and my thoughts aren�t worthless. I have no control over my life anymore, the things I did have control over went out of control and the things that were out of control (i.e. Taylor) seem to be coming under control. Nothing makes sense again and I�m starting to think that maybe that's not a bad thing; maybe if I don't think I�ll find all the right answers. Here's hoping.
Getting nowhere just sitting in my room, twiddling my thumbs (and throwing out the odd left over remnants of Beau in my beloved room) I decided to give her a hand in moving some of Hyde�s stuff from the basement so she�d just have to lug it onto the porch and watch her past and what she thought was her future, glide off into the sunset-hopefully never to be seen again. I�d clamed myself down from the other day, sick of analysing and over analysing something that didn�t have any real explanation other that that dreaded word: rebound. Walking through the front door, pulling the tacked note on the door telling me to let myself in and go on downstairs, It came to me that perhaps she too had realized the kiss was nothing more than a kiss of safety-her light hearted attitude on the phone told me she�d not thought about it anymore, but then again I told myself before we wouldn�t get attached in any form of way, and we ended up thinking about that right up until we were thrust back into each others lives.
�I think there�s just that box to go and then it�s all done,� she sighed, wiping the sweat from her forehead as she placed her hands satisfied on her hips as I gulped down the last of my glass of water. She was dressed in old denim shorts and a Lakers shirt that was quite obviously a hundred sizes too big. I�d come down here expecting an air of tension, and was somewhat dumbfounded when I found none. Maybe I was just too used to something happening between us, then a nice big fight following soon after for dessert. Reaching for the small box I hauled it up in my arms and made for the stairs, puffing wimpishly when I felt the strain in my arm muscles. She guided me up the stairs and I soon dumped the box down in the hallway when I couldn�t carry it anymore. �You promised me a big strong man to help me, not you,� she teased nudging my shoulder as I threw her an unimpressed look as went to collapse on the sofa. �They were all out of beefcake when I called the agency,� I smiled as she flumped down next to me, narrowly missing my lap. She turned to look at me with a simple questioning glance as she smoothed a rather tangled piece of hair at the back of my head. �What are we doing here,� Bravery had infiltrated me, and it wasn�t half bugging watching us both pretend like nothing happened. Alba was right before, why do I have to question everything when everything is going along quite nicely- but the thing is, we kissed and not just any old kiss, there were motives and reasons and I had to know them so I could brace myself for the ride to come.
She didn�t answer me for a while, she just continued to play with my hair as if her hearing had just clouded over, but then when she caught my intense glare, her hand fell away from absently playing with my hair, to nestle soundly in her lap. �I have no idea-I thought you�d know,� she whispered as I shook my head �no� and watched her exasperated expression when it became clear to us both neither had a clue what had happened. �I like it when you hold me, I like it when your there, you don�t say anything you just hold me close and I, I like the fact the past is becoming less and less of an issue,� she started, her eyes focusing on her hands clasped together, as I just watched and listened to the words coming from inside, words she was cautious of saying but sure of at the same time. Just then her head snapped up and her eyes locked with mine and I felt scared. �I liked the kiss-it felt so new, so caring, something I�d convinced myself you couldn�t do. It�s something we never lavished upon one another because well, all we were set out to do was to wind each other up and see who could burn out first, but we both ended up burning out at the same time. I don�t know what this means, but I�ve decided I don�t want to know-to coin a phrase, I�m defiantly sure that I�m not sure of what it means, but I liked it,� Now I was confused. Were these the words of a woman on the rebound, or the words of a woman who wanted to see where the wind would take her? I tried to find the words to come back with, tried to make some solid comment about how I liked it too, but I couldn�t find the words. I couldn�t question it anymore, for I�d never shake the past and I�d always be watching my back- so instead, I leaned forward and touched my lips to hers and waited for my conscience to shut the hell up.
I moved slightly when I felt his lips on mine once again, and was relieved when I didn�t hear the alarm bells ringing in my mind. I gently held my hand to his cheek, pulling myself in further to the kiss, my mind racing with possibilities that this could all blow up in my face again-but I didn�t think it would, or could do that. This was the real Taylor and as much as I vowed myself never to get in the position again where he could take advantage of me, where we could rip each other to smithereens I ignored my promise to myself, because what I was feeling now, his tongue lapping at mine with care and attention- was nothing like we�d shared together before. �So what do we do now?� he asked with a shy smile as our kiss ended and I rested against him gently. �I have no idea- I thought you�d know,� I teased as he shoved me playfully as I rested against his chest, hearing his heartbeat echoing loudly, soothing me and calming me- it was unlike anything I had felt with him before. Looking up at him I saw his eyes grinning back at me, his fingers playing with the ratty ends of my hair, his other hand wrapped around me sweetly. �Come on, I want a nap,� Taking his hand as I pulled him up from the sofa and dragging him behind me like a puppy, up the stairs to my room. I should say I have d�j� vu, but how can you when for the first time in all the trips he�s made up these stairs to my room previously, this is the first time I actually want him there and I want him to just hold me and make me feel: comfortable
�Taylor your out of you fucking mind! Your given a chance to reconcile and then you let yourself get caught up in a kiss, in taking naps with her- Jesus man, when did she suddenly change her attitude, when did you loose your freaking� sense of control?� Rest assured I wasn�t happy with what my little brother had just informed me off, regarding the situation between him and Alba. He sat in my den brimming with happiness that things had taken the best possible route they could of done, but then I sit here and act as the typical older brother, kindly pointing him out to the major problem with this situation. �Isaac the past is the past, we�ve talked endlessly about it till were blue in the face-it�s staying in the past,� he calmly replied as I rubbed my temples in frustration. Despite what I said to him last time when he first went to talk to her after she�s thrown Hyde out in spectacular form and then begged for someone to stay with her, that I didn�t want to get involved and all that shit that I knew I�d never be able to keep- I found myself wishing I could wring his neck and talk some sense into him. �Fine fair enough Taylor, but lets recall the fact that she�s just broken up with a steady boyfriend, that- just happened to be having the case of casual sex with Beau, your now ex steadygirlfriend-she�s on the rebound Taylor, she�d have to be to kiss you! With the past you guys have, burying it doesn�t solve anything! Sure okay you can talk like civil human beings and share the odd take out, but KISSING? How could she trust you after what you did together? Casual sex to erase the fact you hated each other and couldn�t stand the sight of one other? Excuse me if I don�t order the cake and sound willing to get Zac measured up for a best man suit,� My sarcasm was without cause, but I just couldn�t believe what I was hearing- maybe I was only being this way because I�d gotten the wrong impression about things with Alba and Taylor before. �Isaac for god sake stop over dramatizing! I thought you would have been happy that I recognized my mistakes and tried to make amends!� Taylor chowed back, sitting forward on the lazy boy, his face now wrinkled with annoyance. Sighing, I decided that today I couldn�t be assed for a big drawn out row over something that doesn�t directly concern me. �I�m happy your building bridges again but come on, think about it rationally, what good is kissing each other going to do? She�s on the rebound, it means nothing your just the first available guy she sees and god knows Taylor you don�t want to do something that will put you both back into the exact same position you were this time last year,� My words were harsh to the edge but they were words of concern, because if anything- I didn�t want to see Taylor spouting off stuff like he did only a couple of months ago when he bumped into Alba again, if anything I didn�t want to pick up his shattered remains anymore.
�Isaac it�s not like last time, last time had no purpose other than to get at each other and when we slept together it meant nothing, it just seemed to make things a little more bearable. We never kissed sweetly, we never held each other till the sun came up, we never looked in each other�s eyes because there was nothing to find there. That�s why this felt different. The kiss was sweet, it�s so settling seeing her comfortable around me, in my arms saying that she finds me safe to be around. That in itself is a huge step- it�s different Isaac, I don�t know what I�m thinking or feeling because I�m choosing not to question it because it just feels like it�ll be okay,� And that�s when I saw it. That look in his eyes, that tone in his voice and I knew he couldn�t be told. �She�s on the rebound Taylor, for god sake, you said she wanted to marry Hyde, they lived together and she clammers to you like a hermit to a rock right now, you both kiss and you think it means something?� It was hard trying to battle against him when I knew he was already too far-gone. �I think it�s a bit of both. Yeah she misses Hyde, I can�t blame her, and she loved him very much where as I didn�t even get to find out if I loved Beau- but also I just know there�s more behind it. You don�t see it Isaac, how scared she is, how fragile and frail she is. She�s the queen of cover up�s her facade and daily exterior works, unless you catch a glimpse of her when it�s off- she misses Hyde but I think, even though it�s not totally clear right now, I think she totally knows what she�s getting herself into,� he continued, his hands expressing his underlining words. He was pleading with me to understand, just to back him up and be the typical older brother, but I couldn�t, not this time, not when I can visualize the past and what is so wrong with the picture. �You told her that Hyde was cheating on her, you got coffee over you, yelled at and still this means nothing? Why did you tell her Taylor? Because you wanted to hurt her, wanted her for yourself- what were your real reasons for that?� I was resorting to anything I could lay my hands on as my prosecution, but Taylor had the answers to everything. �IT DOESN�T MATTER ANYMORE! IT�S IN THE PAST! WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT WE DO NOW!� I think it was safe to say that I�d struck a nerve, and pushed the wrong button. Patting him on the shoulder I could tell he wasn�t taking anything lightly, he was still thinking about it and still having the occasional flit of doubt-but there was something else that I�d finally seen that was so obviously different from the past. Lowering my voice as he calmed himself down, I finally came up with a summery of our rather conflicting conversation.
�This time you�re the one getting attached, isn�t it?�