I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that, as abrupt as it seemed-Hyde was now not the love of my life and the apple of my eye anymore. Everyday when i came in from work i'd scan my answerphone to find no message from him saying he'd be around to get his other stuff, that he'd found a new place-and i don't know if i just wanted to know if he was actually okay and get rid of his stuff or if i really did want to forgive him and welcome him back with open arms.I'd seen Taylor a couple of times since i practically begged him to stay this time last week. We did have an element of treading on eggshells around each other at the moment, nervous tension surrounded us on every time we saw each other-perhaps we didn't want to say something wrong, give us another cause to get in a fight, anymore stress and i'd loose it, pack up my trunk and move away to the circus.
I had a date with Erin Brockavitch this evening, sloppy sweats and t-shirt, hair freshly dyed back to my natural dirty blonde color and my take out was now nicely arranged on the coffee table, remote in one hand, chopsticks in the other. Just as the trailers started running, i dived into my sushi like a mad woman and of course, on queue as ever, the doorbell rang. 'Ugh, COMING!' i groaned, quickly switching to chipper as i sat the take out box back down on the table and paused the trailers. Wiping my fingers on my sweats and i finished chewing my last rushed mouthful, i unlocked the door to see Taylor standing there with a bag of warm pretzels in his hand. 'By the looks of you i'd say you were going to settle down with a chick flick-am i right?' he asked with a cocky grin as i swiped the bag from him and peeked in, smiling when the salty scent of the pretzels filled my nose. 'So what if i was, i don't believe you were on my guest list for tonight,' i proded him lightly as i hid the bag behind my bag as he tried to swipe it back. 'And there's me trying to be neighbourly,' he pouted as i sighed and stepped aside for him to come in,, his nimble fingers prixing the pretzel bag out of my hands as he wafted past. Well i guess i should be thankful someone cared if i was lonely tonight-even if it was Tayor. 'Erin Brockavitch? oh god, maybe i should just go home,' he joked as he plumped himself down on the sofa, leaning forward to swipe the rental box off the floor. Getting back to my sushi i flipped the video off pause and watched intently. 'So, has Hyde come to collect the rest of his stuff yet?' he asked innocently, with the ever famous arched eyebrow and a mouth full of pretzel. 'Nothing, not a word from him nada-let alone get the rest of his stuff, in a way i think that's good cause i don't have to feel guilty about ending it when i see him but in a way it's bad cause i just want to see how he's doing,' i confessed as i picked at the sushi like it was roadkill. 'I mean i know i wouldn't have been able to forget the fact he slept with her, it would always have been there-like that niggling in the back of your head when you've forgotten to pack the tent pegs on a camping trip,' i continued as he tried to mufle an improptu laugh by chewing on more baked goods. 'Do you miss Beau?' Desperate to stop my mind from doing more dreaded thinking i looked to him as i downed my chopsticks, my appitite abandoning me for raw fish as Taylor handed me his second pretzel, picking it apart i watched him think of what he wanted to say, no remorse for letting her go filling his eyes.
I looked at her softly and shook my head as i watched her expertly rip the doughy pretzel apart and devour it bit by bit. 'As horrible as it was for you, well us to find them like that i'm glad it happened, i guess if it hadn't we'd still be at each others throats where as now....it's like we've seen the past doesn't matter and what's happening now is what matters,' i explained, trying not to create a hole to dig myself out of as her warning looks told me to tread carefully. 'I guess your right, but you know Taylor if it was between a future with Hyde or making my peace with you-i'd have to side with Hyde, you know that,' she soothed as she reached for the remote and flipped the film and tv off, tossing the small remote onto the arm chair before looking back to me. I suppose i should have known she'd say something to make me feel small again, but determined not to be deterred i reasoned. 'That i think is obvious, but now we have the chance-i really want to try and make things right between us, you can't turn round and say i'm being obnoxious, childish or stupid this time, i want to be adult about this now,' It was like pleading my case to a judge but this time i knew i had to make nice. As i waited her answer, a niggling flashback from the last night i saw her over a year ago came into my head at the most opertune moment.
'That first time, in the kitchen, the next morning you were so genuine, that's when i got to thinking more about what the real you could be like, and then over the next 3 weeks it unfolds to this? You screw me and then you throw me in the trash can like a used pepsi can? There's more too it i know.....tell me, could you love a girl like me or is that your issue? You can't love anyone but yourself and the temple that is your body?
'That's just it-i could love a girl like you, even you know i could but i can't love you, and you know that too. Alba, this is something so fucked up we don't even know what it's about anymore, how can we turn round and pretend nothing's happened and try and be a normal couple? We've tried to be normal people, remember and look what we did to that? This is what we did to that idea, we mangled into a monster that we've both come to loath, if we can do that to this situation in a meer 3 weeks, what would a relationship be like? We'd not survive it, we've got nothing to give each other,'
She sucked her fingers innocently as she finished off her pretzel and looked at me, curling her arms in her lap. 'How can we put it behind us and still be friends, i mean it was a pretty big thing to us, regardless of how small it seems now-it'll always be there Taylor,' she retorted as i placed the last two pretzels in their bag on the cofee table next to her abandodn sushi. 'It can be laid to rest if you want it to be laid to rest bad enough-i don't want to go through life knowing that i'll always have an enemy in you,' I stared at her forcefully,trying to hold her in as her mouth opened but she found no words to spout out. 'You must trust me more now, otherwise you wouldn't have asked to be held like you did-it doesn't matter if you were lonely, you still trusted *me* to make you feel safe that night, and i did-i didn't say oh what about the past?Because i'm ready to really move on, were both back together in the same town, well at least for now and now is as gooder time as any Alba,' i pleaded as i shifted in my seat more to look over at her diliberating in her mind at what she should do. She suddenly turned to look at me and reached over to wrap her arms around me in a stunned gesture. 'Been taking diplomat courses from Isaac?' she mumbled, her head resting on my shoulder as i tried to accustom myself to this abrupt feeling of closness, pretty much like i did the other night. As i pulled away a little and looked at her, i remembered i'd made a promise that i wouln't tell anyone else about what happened between us for the sake of our partners. But i'd told Isaac, in a flurry of guilt more than anything and the needy fact i had to get it off my chest. I opted for the safe route as i let my hands fall away from her hips as she crashed back into a frumpy heap on the sofa. 'I don't think he knows your back in town-he moved out a little over a month ago, while were on a break we've made a pact to do our own thing so i haven't seen him much,nor Zac,' i lied, as she looked at me in pure shock. 'Oh, well i guess i should have known he had no idea cause well-ya know, he might have dropped by or something-oh well,' she shrugged as she reached for a napkin to wipe her salty fingers on. I thanked the lord she didn't question me but i felt a niggling of sorts in my mind when she said he would have come over if he knew she was back-he would have done if i hadn't have told him our dirty past in full glory.
A couple of hours later and most of the sushi was now devoured and Julia Roberts was managing to fall out her bra quite sucessfully. I really don't know what's possesing me to stay, but as Alba reached into her microwave popcorn bag and shove a kernal in her mouth, her eyes fixated on the tv i stiffled a giggle. I'd realized something else about Alba today-she needs security, her humour, her attitude was just one high security fence waiting to be scaled. Hyde had tried but fallen on the spikey barbed wire surrounding it's perimeter. Maybe this was indearing, maybe this was just another facade, but as i watched her reach in the bag one more time and promptly missing her mouth with the handful of kernals i realized-this time she wasn't pretending, she was treating me normal and i was determined to prove Isaac wrong about this as well as myself-that we could be friend, despite our riotus past.
What on earth is possesing me to show him more of the real me, bit by freekin' bit? I'm not about to sit here and let him think i've turned soft or something, but the truth isi have no fight left and why fight to protect this from Hyde when Hyde had made a point of showing me he was sleeping whilst on duty and doing a lousy job of protecting me. Okay, so perhaps that was harsh, but he wasn't protecting me when he was in bed with her, now was he?
The film was almost at it's end as i noticeed him sniggering at me harmlessly as i munched on my popcorn, missing my big excuse for a mouth time after time. 'If your going to laugh at me in my own house you can just leave,' i joked as he nudged me playfully and promptly thrust his hand in the popcorn bag and dug around for a good full handful of the savoury snack. 'I'm just a regular house pest,' His overly loud crunching noises along with his underlying mock humour caused me to flash him a sly smile as he just smiled cheekily and shrugged his shoulders as if to say: 'that told you,' This was very comfortable, is that how it's supposed to be when people try and reconsile-or in our case, totally rebuild and over haul? I decided to play this by ear, there's nothing too lose to him anymore-he's had my body, my attention in the sense he confused the hell out of me and wore me down and he had my thoughts for a good few weeks afetr we parted ways, what more could he take?
'Well, your not exactly a house pest i mean you clean up after yourself-that kitchen was spotless when i came down in the morning, you know after that rather-well,' i stammered when i realized his subtle grin, his eyes sparkling my way with shots of hope injected into his gaze. Me on the other hand, suddenly realized what i was recalling and swiftly shut myself up. 'We made quite a mess in there-good job i didn't have to fix the table, i'm no good with a hammer,' he joked as i saw flashbacks before my very eyes of the trist that had unfolded in sheer lust that one-strangely satisfying night. 'Just answer me this-i know i used you...there's no words i can find that makes that acceptable, probably because it's not so there are no words-i know towards the end it was used to the point that we could stand each other more...but that first time, in the kitchen-is it just me or is that a totally different thing because it never happened like that again, we just used and abused after that...why was it different and why did you let it go that far after all the fighting before about what happened on the night of the dinner?' he rambled as i noted i'd missed the final scene of the film and the credits were now rolling along tediously. I put down my popcorn bag and looked at him, expectently waiting for me to reply. He had a point though, the kitchen was like almost a seperate incident from all the other times when we just seemed to be dispencable to each other as and when-whenever it became too much to think about, that we were both driving each other round the twist, one of us would call the other and within moments we'd be in bed in the midst of a sexual ecstasy that made you for get your name,address and telephone number-let alone let you remember how much you disliked the person who was driving into you uncontrollably. 'If i had answers Taylor i would have told you before you left the first time and spared all this hastle but, your right, the kitchen did seem different and i don't know why and yes it felt good-the other times well, i don't think either of us felt anything, it was just an act,' I brought my legs up under me indian style as he nodded, in acceptence as he ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh that didn't quite qualify as satisfied or tierd-it was sort of halfway.
Realizing that talking anymore, especailly tonight would scramble my brain somewhat and plauge my sleep-it was too be taken one step at a time, so my handbook says. 'God it's almost 1 am, you want me to drive you home?' i realized as i heard the digital bleep on Taylor's watch cut through our suspended silence like a power ranger in mid high-kick. 'Yeah sure....oh shit,' he cried, smacking his forehead as he started to get up. 'What? And watch your language or i'll have to wash your mouth out with soap,' i nagged with a cocky wink. He shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling for something. 'I've left my house keys at home with my wallet-i didn't think you'd let me stay, if at all so i didn't bring them and everyone will be asleep now,' he explained as i grabbed the take out boxes and empty wrappers and bags and started to walk through to the kitchen, Taylor padding behind me. Time for a quick decision, does he stay on the sofa and i lay awake in bed begging to be held by someone, inevitable ending up in his arms again showing him even more of my weak side than i'd shown previously. Or i send him to Isaac's saying i have an early start?
I stood, feeling quite the prat i truely am, waiting for her to stop filling the bin with the take out boxes and finished popcorn bag before she reached for a towel to wipe her hands and look at me, rather un-impressed. 'You can stay on the sofa if you want, but i have an early start tomorrow so....you'll have to leave when i do,' she sighed as i broke out in thankful, grovelling grin. 'That's fine, but if you feel uncomfortable i can go to Isaac's-he'll be pissed but i could go if you.....,' she cut me off by putting a finger over my lips, our bodies touching closely as she whispered to me to shut up. I looked down at her big scared, brown eyes-knowing full well that she was still trying to digest our conversation from earlier-let alone now. She suddenly touched her lips to mine, lightly before setting back down, still looking up at me. 'Goodnight Taylor,' she called before walking out of the kitchen, flipping the light off as she went, truding up the stairs werily as i stood looking after her. My thin ice had just been thickened by good old Jack Frost....but the weatherman said sunny spells are due, and that could thaw my ice-but then again i could just be too heavy and crash through it, drowning myself and losing everything, especially where Alba is concerned.
I'd been in bed little over an hour, and i found myself fidgiting and flipping about like i'm possesed by the devil. I couldn't help but feel a little revitalized by the fact i'd managed to see the errors of the past and the fact that if i could just learn to burry things when needed, my tip of a brain might be able to function somewhat better. I'm not sure where it's all going yet but tonight-i enjoyied. It sorted out a hefty lot on my mind and the genuine fact that Taylor showed adult maturity in his handling of what *he* wanted to say, that he considered important, made me think i should consider getting my ink correcter out and erasing the ink blot from my otherwise spotless file paper.
It was now 5am and i was due at work in 3 hours and still sleep hadn't infiltrated me. Clucthing a pillow i stood watching him sleep again, snuggling the cusion, the loose sheet bunched up, as always round his hips. Biting my lip and scanning my brain for signs of intelligent life (but finding none) i walked round to the other side of the sofa bed and pulled back the seat, placing my pillow down as i slipped into the comfy guest bed, with the guest still in it. I turned with my back to him so he wouldn't get a shock when he woke, but i felt him shifting, turning over to face my back as i felt is hand rubbing my back. 'This is getting to be habit forming,' he said sleppily as i looked at him, eyes still slightly shut as his hand slipped away from me. 'I couldn't sleep again-don't get too used to it though,' i whispered with a chuckle. A dozy smile graced his lips as i laid back down, feeling his arms wrapped around me, pulling me too him so sweetly as if there was never a problem between us. 'If it makes you feel safe, i don't care,' he hushed in my ear as i let my hands cover his, lightly pressing against my stomach. IS it the fact i'm still unstable about Hyde's abrupt departure that i'm willing to latch onto the first guy i see to comfort me? Please god tell me i'm not on the rebound. But it felt good to be held by Taylor-it was something very much new too me, as it had never come into play before. Maybe it was letting him become a friend too quick, burrying the past too quick-but the sooner it's gone and the sooner i get over Hyde the better. I felt myself relax as i turned a little to see him sleeping peacefully by the side of me, his forehead lightly touching my shoulder. I couldn't help but think again, some of the thoughts i had on that final night-when i got closest to the root of our dislike and petty flustrations, and got the most thought provoking answer:
"tell me, could you love a girl like me or is that your issue? You can't love anyone but yourself and the temple that is your body?"
'That's just it-i could love a girl like you, even you know i could but i can't love you, and you know that too. Alba, this is something so fucked up we don't even know what it's about anymore, how can we turn round and pretend nothing's happened and try and be a normal couple? We've tried to be normal people, remember and look what we did to that? This is what we did to that idea, we mangled into a monster that we've both come to loath, if we can do that to this situation in a meer 3 weeks, what would a relationship be like? We'd not survive it, we've got nothing to give each other
I could forget the rest, but when i think about that conversation more-as i feel his body heat radiating so close to mine-could we be making foudations for a friendship we declined to comment could exist and has he finally learnt that if i listen and bury my part of the past-that he has to do the same, even if that means going abck and thinking about that night and seeing if he still agrees with everything he said?