He'd been banging on the door for 3 hours straight now, begging, winging, grovelling for me to just open it and hear him out. But right now i didn't want to hear anything from anyone. What hurt the most was that i'd put him so far up on a podium to detach myself from my mistake with Taylor, i made Hyde out to be a man who would never hurt me and would never betray me, and would be the perfect guy i'd been planning my wedding to for since i was 5. There are no certs with guys, woman for generations know this-yet still i hold out a candle to see if i can defy them, but obviously i can't.
I don't think any of this was planned out strategically to hurt me, but it doesn't help my conscience. To think i'd sung a song of glowing praise and adoration for Hyde to Taylor, so he would shut up and leave off. I wanted to let myself feel guilty for telling him to shut up, throwing the coffee in his face....but he was right. If i hadn't have done that, if he kept his mouth shut i would still have hated him for it-both ways feel like he wanted to hurt me. But he didn't-he wanted me to see i was being made a fool of, even if that did mean facing up to the realization that he'd loose his girlfriend in the process. But i couldn't say i was sorry and i don't think he'd want me too either.
It was almost 4 in the afternoon and i was sick of Hyde's mumbling from the porch, through the letterbox and incessant banging on the window and my shock was in no way subsiding. So sliding down the side of the front door i rested my head against the cool wood, the large bottle of vodka by my side, in case of emergencies. 'So talk,' i spoke softly as i heard him quieten down, the letter box suddenly flapping open as i heard his deep breaths before his horse voice drifted through calmly, my eyes closing as i tried to bite my tongue and crush my tears before they leaked out. 'Your right, there are no excuses and nothing i'll say will justify my reasons for sleeping with her-but i swear it meant nothing, it was meaningless and it only happened twice,' he insisted as i choked on my laughter. 'Oh so that's okay then,' i snorted and took a sharp swig of my emergency supply. 'Fuck Alba....there are no un-clich� ways to say what i want to say but i care so much about you and i guess i was testing that by sleeping with Beau-i didn't want to be wrong about saying i love you and i thought if i could cope with sleeping with her then maybe it would affirm my future with you,' His bullshit was spilling quicker than a government official when the president made a boo-boo. 'Instead Einstein, it lost your future with me-What a heap of crap Hyde! I thought you were a gentleman, if you had such a problem with saying i love you, of this relationship becoming serious-moving in together, both of us working, doing couple stuff and you never know one day get married-if you had such a problem with it you could have spared me the horror of finding you in bed with that hooker and not moved in! If it was moving too fast you have a tongue in your head, you could have told me!' i yelled, kicking the door in sheer anger and rage as i rocked slightly, putting my head in my hands as i felt the alcohol pounding at my head, and Hyde pounding in my heart. 'I can't explain myself Alba, god knows i want to but i can't but please don't throw this away, i want to make it work with you but i know what your like, you don't offer up second chances,' he sniffed as i pushed my hair back out of my eyes and looked up slowly to catch a glimpse of the picture on the coffee table of me and Hyde, looking happy and touristy at Disney world for his birthday last year. Picking myself up i walked over to the coffee table and picked up the picture, fingering the frame as i heard Hyde softly asking to 'please say something,'. Not looking at it for more than a split second i turned to look at his eyes peering at me through the letterbox, the anger overriding me that he'd spun me a yarn that he did this to test himself over our relationship-the photo frame leaving my hands and shattering against the door as i threw it with split second force. 'SHIT ALBA!' Hyde yelled out as he let the letterbox fall back down to shield any shattered glass coming his way. I let the tears fall as i kicked the door yelling and screaming for him to leave me alone, get out of my life and go and disgrace someone else's life. 'WHY DO IT! WHY NOT JUST TALK TO ME? WHY HER? WHY NOW!' i cried as slumped against the doorframe, holding my forehead as my body finally shook with the motions that were battling to tumble out.
'I knew Beau a few months before i met you...i never thought i'd see her again, let alone on the arm of Taylor Hanson. I never knew her well....i,' he rambled until i opened the door just a crack to see him standing there still only clad in his boxers. 'You both had a one night stand, parted ways and said that was that, then you bump into each other and for one of you temptation overrides? No matter what's at stake? I should have fucking seen it,' i babbled as it all made sense. His caginess when i asked how they met, the fact she seemed so jappy to me so upbeat all the time with that hint of nervousness behind her voice as if she had to do it or face her past being dragged out. I suddenly felt a pang of guilt in my own head, that i too was trying to keep my dirty past at bay, but at least i'd shown no more interested in the temptation Taylor could offer me, and i had no right to get mad after hearing his truth come from his lips. But it was a few hours too late and no matter what past i was trying to keep him from finding, i didn't invite it to come and bed me again, like he had invited his too. He looked at me with a hung head as i quickly swiped away the tears from my sore eyes and ruddy cheek. 'I can't give you a second chance Hyde-you should have been straight with me about her from the start, you should have said you had a past and maybe i would have understood her better but now i'm sorry, you chose not to and now that's working against you,' i sighed as i leaned down to the clean laundry basket that lay waiting at the bottom of the stairs for 'our' laundry to be put away. Grabbing a shirt and some shorts i shoved them through the tiny open crack of the door and sniffed my words. 'Here, take these-i'll leave the rest of the stuff out tomorrow,' He took the clothes from me and grabbed my hand lightly before i pulled it back through the door. 'So we just give up, that easily,' he questioned softly as i looked at his hand grasping my gently before drawing it away from him. 'I didn't give up, i didn't make the mistake of not being honest about the situation, but Hyde, no matter how big or little of a deal you think this is, i never settle for second best and i can't handle her being a stain on our relationship from now on and for however long we may have been together-so i'm sorry, this is how it is,' The words were killing me to say, but i had to mean them, a i couldn't be happy knowing he'd hurt me like that before. 'I'll miss you so much,' he cried, trying to reach out limp fingers to graze my cheek but only being greeted with the turning of my head. 'Don't start saying things Hyde, just turn around and walk away,' i pleaded, for any longer and i'd find my strong frame buckling with a spell of forgiveness. When he didn't turn and leave, he just stood there, trying to find the words in his gaze but couldn't quite i softly whisper.
'Thanks for giving me your jacket,' It was beyond me why i'd gone to help Beau, curled up on Alba's porch whilst Hyde was banging on every available window and door he could find. I'd helped her up and given her my leather jacket in hope it might cover her up a little-if anything, i didn't want the shame of my known "girlfriend" being seen walking around this small neighbourhood starkers. She'd drudged home beside me all the way, silently-the scuffing of my feet the only soundtrack to the shameful walk i had to take with her in the run up to the final scene.
I walked into my room, not caring if she followed me but inside of me i felt at boiling point, and turning round to see her reaching for her panties and her clothes before turning to exit for the bathroom, made me hit the heights. 'Why did you do it?' i asked calmly as she turned to me, her clothes bundled in her arms as she stood looking scared and tiny in my coat. 'Is that really all you saw in me? Money? An easy lay? Enlighten me please,' i coaxed with an angry furrowed brow as i sat down on the edge of my bed, watching her close the door lightly before she rested against it. I wanted to hear her say she was sorry, just so i could turn around and show her the door. The first time since i saw them in the kitchen, when i confided in Isaac and when i first tried to tell Alba, i'd not let it sink in. But now as i stared her up and down with a dirty eye, like the piece of trash that she was and now, all she deserved to be treated as. 'Come on Beau, you were very vocal with Hyde that time in the kitchen-what is it this time? Cat got your tongue?' i snorted as she dropped her clothes and crushed her head in her hands, as if rubbing the skin would make the impurities go away. 'Taylor please, don't do this,' she wept as i tried to keep my cool, best i could without lashing out at a woman. 'I have every right, you made me look a fool and not to mention you've not only hurt me but you broke up a couple,' i screamed, my voice starting to patch over with hoarseness as she covered her ears with her shaky hands. 'What was it? Did i make your skin crawl? Not hit the right buttons? Didn't listen enough, WASN'T THE FUCKING BOYFRIEND YOU THOUGH I'D BE?' I'd walked up to her and was watching her try and block me out, shut off from the hurtful words i now found spouting from my lips. 'No Taylor, it wasn't anything-it was temptation and i'm so sorry for that, please don't do this, we can work things out-you can trust me,' Her hands were gripping for mine, but her words were false please and her tears weren't crying for the fact this could spell the end of our relationship-but for the fact she got caught.
'I don't want to hear your'i'm sorry Taylor' or your'We can work it out Taylor,' What do you take me for? Some sort of fool that will do anything for you? You know i thought with a little bit of time we would have been a good strong couple, but i can't be with a weak person with dollar signs in her eyes,' I wanted to scream louder, rattle the walls a little-it had all finally got to me.Beau,Alba...my life as a whole. For now i was just dealing with Beau but give it some time i'd have to go do some bridge mending with Alba, the past can't go on like it was. 'You can't do this to me, i...i love you Taylor,' she stammered as she gripped my forearm with strength, pulling me round to see her, red eyed and fraught. Sighing i looked her up and down and saw the beautiful girl with the beautiful voice-so carefree and into me it was unreal, but as soon as i blinked she was gone. She never told me she loved me, i guess it was for the same reason i didn't tell her-because i couldn't be sure, and i'm so racked with gladness i never did tell her, for this would be so much more harder if i had. Brushing her hand away i found a whisper to send her packing.
Stubbing out my emergency stogie on the wall of Alba's drive, i tossed my head back and groaned, wondering why my walk to clear my head whilst Beau packed her things, had lead me here. Perhaps the curiosity of wondering why all the lights were off so early, and why there was no half naked Hyde still banging on the door. The most likely answer was that she had drunk herself into a vodka-ridden stupor and had hit the hay but i still wanted to see her, make sure she was okay and not about to do something stupid. I also thought apologies were in order, despite my male pride not to say anything Stumbling up the drive i started to sneeze, the air filling with a smoky stench that was more charade than my cigarette. Sniffing around me and looking around i soon saw thick grey smoke, billowing up from the back of Alba's house. The choice of crapping myself didn't have time to come into play, for i barged round the side door and through to the back garden like an athlete on steroids.
I sat on the wooden step of the deck, looking proudly at the whipping orange and red flames, the grey smoke dancing around the surrounding air before slowly floating upwards. After Hyde had left i'd gone on a craze, through the house, throwing his stuff into boxes from the basement, packing it up as fast as i could before throwing myself in shower to wash myself clean, slipping down the slippery tiled wall in a breakdown of tears and wails. When i'd gotten through to my bedroom i saw herclothes, strewn over mybedroom floor, Hyde's shirt over the chair and his pants kicked to the end of the bed, i grabbed the sheets and quilt, all her clothes and his clothes and bolted downstairs with them-my hair dripping wet and the towel managing to stay up over my otherwise naked body. I'd just thrown them in a heap on the floor and set a match to them, enjoying watching the impurity of their union burn and cinder to ashes. I now sat on the step in my towel, tucked up over my chest, the breeze airing my legs as i reached for my hot cup of brandy coffee.
Just as i put the cup back down, i heard the side door banging open against the side of the house, and speeding footsteps coming round the corner of the house. Getting up in suspicion i took one step forward and was greeted with Taylor, breathing franticly, looking at the bonfire of betrayal and then to me. 'Shit i thought the house was on fire!' he exclaimed as i eyed him oddly, double-checking my towel was secure. Tucking a damp piece of hair behind my ears i looked at his tousled hair, his red cheeks and his concerned brow. 'Don't worry, it's only the sheets and besides, i'm not *that* stupid,' i assured as i walked to sit back down on the step, a little taken a back that he sat down next too me, settling down quite comfortably. 'In everyday life probably but-well, it's not been one of the best days, for either of us,' His voice was light and un-threatening as i stared out at the burning fire before looking sideways to him. 'I want to hate you for making me see what was going on but at the same time, i'm glad you did,' i commented, the truth stunning him a little as he looked at me with a raised eyebrow. 'So that's why you didn't dagger me when i came round the corner? I debated coming here, in fact i wasn't planning too but....regardless of what's happened before, i knew Hyde meant a lot to you, i thought Beau meant a lot to me but in a way i'm glad she did what she did-i couldn't have loved her like i would have wanted too,' he sighed, cracking his fingers over and over again until i found myself reaching out to gently place my hand over his to stop him. 'Perhaps i drove Hyde to this, maybe i went to fast, tried to get him to alter too quickly, but i should have known better-it takes a lifetime for guys to change and then it's too late,'
He looked at me sadly as i offered him a weak smile as the cracking and hissing of the bonfire raged on. 'I guess this makes our past kinda trivial, doesn't it?' he finally spoke up after a suspended silence in which the dying embers of my relationship with Hyde flashed before me, was it my fault or was it him? Was i wrong to not give him another chance? Was i ever in love at all, or was i so desperate to forget my mistakes i'd take the next best substitute? 'I guess it 'kinda' does,' i smiled, cracking my pain for a split second as i took time to look at him properly. A year had aged him more, his hair still choppy and a mixture of suns rays from birth and from artificial glinting in the golden light from the fire. His skin blemish free, his lips chapped and thin, his eyes changing hue in the dimming light. 'Something tells me i should go gay, i think i'd have more luck in relationships that way,' he joked as i kicked him softly, emitting a little giggle from my lips, and feeling all the better for it. 'If your track record sucks then so does mine, but i recon gays get a better deal out of it compared to lesbians,' i mused as he stared at me strangely. 'What?' i whispered, cracking out in smile once again. 'Well....your just....what if we had started a relationship, no no just hear me out-stop groaning! I mean, just hypothetical, you think we'd have been happy?' he saw his opportunity to ask again, but this time and in this situation-it didn't seem as threatening as it did that day when he gave me a lift, because now we were both in a cleansing place, in a thoughtful place when everything was put into perspective. 'I don't think i can really answer that, even if it was hypothetical, i mean we never really got to know each other and i don't know how you would have been if you didn't act the chump you did when we first met,' i felt my tone lightening as he nudged me when i called him a chump. 'Okay so i was an asshole when we met, i think after what we put each other through i've learnt to not take that approach with woman-ever again. But what we had, put me in a such a bad place and then when i met Beau i guess, she was the first person i met after well...'us' and i guess i didn't question it and just went with her and saw things in her i wanted to that really weren't there,' He was distant, looking out over the garden as he came clean about how our shit made him feel. 'Can't say i felt on top of the world after i made a fool of myself like that, not to mention letting that happen over and over again-it numbed my dislike, my confusion about you-sleeping with you blocked it all out, you were a confusing and frustrating person back then,' I rambled as i finished the last of my drink with a sigh of satisfaction. 'Am i still confusing and frustrating person?' he smiled lowly as i huddled myself together in my towel and tucked my hair behind my ears once more. 'Since i bumped into you again i've been so concerned about you not getting to me, about the past not getting to me but it has-i won't say your frustrating, but your still as confusing as ever Taylor Hanson,' i explained truthfully, looking at him straight so he couldn't question my answers. 'We both have a habit of ruffling each other's feathers up but..hey Alba, what is it?' he asked sensitively as i felt the tears pricking at my eyes again as i thought about everyday onward now without Hyde, and what with Taylor talking so honestly about the past it was making to be a very hectic, trying and emotional day.
'Come on, i'll put the fire out and you better think about getting some sleep-and i better check that hoe's checked out of my room,' I was starting to sense that perhaps today of all days was maybe not the time to be getting in depth about trying to make up for the past. She nodded slowly as i started to stand to go in search of a bucket and some water. I felt her tugging at my shirt gently. 'Your going?' she asked with frightened eyes as i peered down at her before i felt thoughts rushing through my head. 'That was my plan but....,' Was it to presumptuous to tell her i'd stay on the couch so she wouldn't feel so alone? After everything, is that really as wise as i'm trying to make myself believe? 'I could stay here if you want but i mean, were not exactly best friends here i don't know if i....we...,'
'Please, just stay on the sofa, i'm not ready to going back to living totally on my own just yet-nothings going to happen, just do this for me, it's the best thing you can do if you want to start building bridges,' she begged as i sat back down again as her fingers let go of their grip of the sleeve of my shirt. 'Thank you,' she mouthed before i noticed her leaning into me. I hesitantly slipped my arms around her, holding me too her in a comfortable embrace that felt awkwardly nice. But we'd done this before-made friends, let it last two days and then fucked each other senseless. But looking down at her then out to the crumpling mass of sheets still let untouched by the red hot flames i realized it was different this time. We weren't hurting each other, two other people who we thought were people that never would scar us, hurt us both and threw us together again in a mess of chaos. Would it really be different if we tried to be friends this time?