I felt rooted to the spot for what seemed like an eternity after she left me standing in the kitchen, scared and alone. What had just unfolded, when there had been little said to provoke her to the point of intentionally throwing china at me- was there any rational explanation for it this time? For her look of no remorse, no inkling of wrongdoing crushed me, pulped me from inside leaving me to try and connect my heart to my head again. It felt so nice to hold her hand briefly, for her to wrap her arms around me and run her hand through my hair, massaging my skin as she soothed me. Then I had to make assumptions, I had to try my luck at getting an explanation for some tablets that were probably nothing. But as I cleaned myself up and prepared to go into the bedroom and put a few things in a bag and find somewhere to myself for the remainder of the day- I knew that if those tablets meant nothing, she wouldn�t have been that way. I accused her of being a drug user-I think anybody would have the right to be mad and throw china at an assumption like that, wouldn�t you?

I�d left the apartment without saying goodbye to Tea, I simply looked in on her in the living room, leaning her head against the window frame, looking out at the view across the city, covered in grey clouds, the rumblings of thunder getting ever closer I simply sighed staring longingly at her back, her slender frame hunched over as she stared blankly out of the window. The throbbing of the gash over my temple indicated it was time to just get out for a few hours, clear my head. So, cleaned up and band aided up, I left the apartment and retrieved my car- sitting behind the wheel, not quite sure what I was supposed to do next.

After not finding much joy in my date with Katherine last night, I�d stayed up most of the night watching sitcoms and eating ruffles with cheese dip until my stomach couldn�t quite pass for �cuddly� anymore. I kept looking at the phone all evening, wondering if I should call Isaac and apologize for preaching to him about something I know nothing about. But I don�t want to apologize, I know something�s wrong, I know his heart is aching and it�s written all over his face that he�s scared because for once he doesn�t understand Tea. There�d be no telling Isaac though, no telling him his heart or his head that no one should be lashed out at for any reason. He was in love for Christ�s sake.

It was almost dinnertime and I was starving inside. Plodding out of the shower in nothing but a white terry towel, my hair sticking to my back as I bustled through my penthouse suite looking for some suitable clothes to go down to the Chinese in. I�d phone, but I hate those girls they send when they know it�s a famous person, all giggly and smiley like someone stapled their lips to their cheeks permanently. Getting sick of my hair, I pulled it up in a twisted mess as I lunged for my shorts and t-shirt I�d discarded on the back of the sofa during my striptease whilst turning on the shower and watching the end of Jerry Springer. Just as I pulled the t-shirt over my head and started to head to my bedroom the door was almost banged off its hinges, causing me to jump a little. Grabbing my boxers and pulling them on, I creased my brow in wonderment at who was calling round without phoning first. Pulling the door open I almost cried for the first time in my life, I almost stopped breathing for the obligatory 3 minutes before falling in a dead heap on the floor.

I couldn�t go to Taylor, I couldn�t go out and I couldn�t go to the hospital to get my head looked at. I only had one safe house open to me and believe me, as much as I love Zac, I�d rather have gone to Mongolia than to his apartment, especially after our talk the other day. I couldn�t even look at him as he opened the door, I knew what the look on his face would be like, I knew what he�d be struggling to say and I don�t think I could have handled anything else in my head right now. He didn�t say anything and I didn�t look at him, instead I felt him pulling my bag out of my hand, tossing it in his hallway before I felt a hesitant hand running over the short gash on the outside of the deep cut across my temple, the matted hair there starting to make it sting. �You didn�t deserve that, whatever it was for,� he piped up when I looked up at him shyly, I didn�t know what to say to him, I didn�t know anything more than that it was going to be a lot harder to love Tea unconditionally after this. �I needed to get out for a few hours, I couldn�t go to Taylor�s,� I croaked as he stepped aside and let me enter his apartment wordlessly. For the first time in years, I felt vulnerable and out there, totally on my own with no reason, no explanation why I was.

�I wasn�t going to say anything about the tablets, I mean after all it could have been a mistake, she could have needed them for pain relief, I just had to go an open my mouth after she seemed to be so affectionate-despite her anger at the Orlando deal,� I explained as I sat in the lazy boy chair, facing the sofa where Zac laid sprottled out after setting down a glass of brandy in front of me-not my normal tastes but I drunk it just for the sake of it. �Isaac, look at your head, you need stitches in that, it�s deep and there�s probably dirt in there-now, you voice your concerns about something totally understandable and she throws a mug at you, causing you injury, most people just tell the truth in these situations,� he retaliated with as I grimaced at the after taste of the brandy in my mouth. �I said it all wrong though, I branded her a junkie in effect, telling her I knew they were pep pills, and the only reason I did was because�I thought that maybe�maybe it would explain her sudden mood changes. The side effects were everything that she is experiencing right now, and it scares me. If she�s taking them to stay on top of it all, then how do you think that makes me feel Zac?� I exclaimed desperately as I felt the aspirin wear off a little and the painful throbbing of the gash on my head pounded through my entire body. �She throws something at you to bruise your shoulder, she hit you a fair few times to blacken one side of your face, giving you a nice crevice red lie down the middle and now she makes a gapping hole in your head and you think this is okay?? You had to ask her Isaac, if she�s taking drugs you have a right to know, yes I can understand why you would feel dejected by that and I know you love her but you can�t condone everything she done to you just because you love her!� Zac�s voice was raising and I felt like I was being battered from each side, Zac on one side and my heart on the other, squashing me into a compact shape to the point when I can�t do or say anything right. �This is her dream Zac! She wants this so much you wouldn�t believe, I want her to be happy and if this is what she�s doing and in her mind it helps on the way to getting it then there�s not much I can do about it! I�d give anything to hold her in my arms and tell her that I�ll never leave her, that I�ll always love her regardless, I�d give anything to share an intimate moment with her, just to make this a little different but right now, she�s focused and I can�t stop her-I just have to be there for her when she needs me,�

�Wait wait, hold up there Ike- needs you as what? A human punch bag to let out all her female stresses on, Isaac that�s not love that�s domestic violence!� I cried, sitting up abruptly as he hung his head, displaying the bloody matted mess of his gash to me head on. I gulped around the sorry lump in my throat wondering how the hell this has unfolded like it has-it didn�t seem right, how the story should go, especially with Isaac. I mean, why him when he�s the good guy? �And what�s this about giving anything to be intimate? Isaac, look at your relationship honestly and tell me in truthful words I�ll believe why you�re staying with this woman,� I walked over to sit in front of my brother on the coffee table, handing him the clean band aid I�d gotten from the kitchen while I was fixing him a drink. �We haven�t had sex in over 6 months, she doesn�t touch me like she used to when she does, her embraces feel forced-but we argued about this and I know that it�s not going to be like that forever, we both have a lot on our minds and it�s hard to find the right moment when were together. I�m staying with because I know inside Zac lots of things you don�t and never will know. I can�t make you believe me when I say I love her and that I�ll stay with her despite everything, we are totally different in morals and values Zac so you can�t understand what our relationship is like and what it stands for. Were a good couple who�s just fallen on their compulsory patch of stony ground, it will get better but just right now, I need to just calm myself down and let her get on with her career and just take a step back and remember everything I love about her that enriches me to be a better man,�

Sitting there looking at his pleading face just to back him up on this was enough to make me want to turn 9 again and run into his arms when Taylor had, once again, pushed me off my bike. He was so much stronger than I could ever hope to be and I always saw a pillar in him, but this time I see nothing but rubble and no matter how much he tries to justify the relationship he has with Tea and why he stands for her violent behaviour, I know that inside, given time, he�ll realize he�s running on empty. �That cut�s made you talk stupid,� I replied childishly as I lightly pushed down the corner on the band-aid, trying no to rap his hair in it. He shook his head slowly and sighed. �Maybe this is something Zac I don�t want you to understand because I know you won�t be able to, you just have to trust me o run my own life and make my decisions for my reasons and when I see fit,� he replied solemnly, rubbing my shoulder to accompany his look of reassurance. His face was nothing but a battleground of bruises and clawing- he�s allowed I to happen three times now. The first time it could have been brushed off, but when I saw his face and now as I look at this deep cut, I know that I�ll be far from reassured as long as he�s kidding himself that he still loved Tea Deacon.

A couple of hours later Zac had allowed me rights to the sofa to catch up on some much needed sleep as I urged him to go get his food and finish his online interview with some drumming magazine across the pond. It was getting dark outside at the city lights were flickering on as I dozily opened my eyes a little, my groggy feeling still looming over me like a storm cloud. I heard voices coming from down the hall and I just assumed Zac was on the phone to a friend, when I realized the other voice was defiantly a female, and she was defiantly in the doorway or hall area.

�He�s sleeping right now,�

I�d heard enough of my brother trying to defend me and my girlfriend trying to get her foot in the front door. I slowly sat up and waited for the dizziness to subside before slowly making my way down the hall, steadying my balance with a hand on the wall now and then until I approached Zac. �It�s okay,� I whispered as he looked too me in surprise as I slowly pushed him out the way and came face to face with a rather pale looking Tea. �Isaac, I�m so sorry,� she breathed as I looked her in the eye, trying to gather truth from her words. �Shit what did I do,� she suddenly gasped, reaching out two delicate fingers towards the band-aid over my cut as I hesitantly pulled away a little, much to her surprise. �It�s okay,� I sighed, looking away from her quickly, saying the first thing that came to mind. �I just lost it, I don�t know why I lost it baby you were just being concerned, I guess I�ve just let too much get on top of me and I�m so so sorry for taking it out on you, I know it�s not right,� she blurted out, her hand reaching for mine, her fingers lacing in mine, pulling me closer too her as she used her other hand to cup my chin to look straight at her. �Isaac I�m so sorry,� she finished, dropping her hand away from my chin as I looked over her face. Her Latin features, her almond eyes, her flawless skin, her long eyelashes that brushed over her hazelnut eyes, her slender nose and her heart shaped face- I could see ever fragmented piece of my love for her just in her face. Cuts would heal, words would be forgotten but I�d not forget the woman I loved. She was standing before me looking anxious and worried and I knew that she�d realized this time that she�s done something wrong and actually remembered it-but there were things I had to know. �The tablets-why Tea?� I asked with confidence as she ran a hand through her black curls and cleared her throat softly. �Not everyone has it all together-but I promise, there gone I promise that they won�t be seen of again, I�ll see someone I swear. I should have realized that as long as I had you there behind me I�d achieve my goals, it was a stupid moment of weakness that I used those tablets and I�m so angry at myself for doing so,�

�I was only trying to understand your life better those times when we argued, but you just seemed so intent on blocking me out, like I was just a lodger that lived with you instead of your boyfriend,� I wanted her to see my evident hurt at her actions, in hope that maybe it would show her just enough that I loved her and no matter what she did I�d still be there until she realized. �I know I know, I didn�t know what I was thinking or what I was doing-I swear Isaac, the tablets are gone, I�m not going to let myself get into such a state again, please, just come home and be my boyfriend,� I thought I heard pleading in her voice, which made me feel wanted, as sad as it may sound. But as glad as I was to hear her apologies, hear the truth and hear her say she wanted me to just come home- I still felt compelled to give my mind some space and time to absorb these facts in. �I�m going to stay here tonight, me and Zac had a couple of things planned out, I hope you don�t mind-I�I still need time to let this all sink inside, I�m still a little shaky, I�m sure you can understand,� I replied confidently as I caught her eyes, not mad and defiantly not upset at what I had just said. �Oh, sure I mean�.I..,� she stammered as I squeezed her hand a little and smiled, letting her worried expression melt away some. �I�m coming back, I just need to let the dust settle,� I underlined as she squeezed my hand back before slipping her fingers out of their hold. �Can we talk tomorrow, after my casting?� she asked with raised eyebrows and a stronger voice. �I�ll be waiting for you at home,� I smiled softly as I felt her leaned up and touch her lips softly to mine, capturing them in a short bathe of feeling before she pulled away. �I do love you Isaac, I never meant to hurt you,� she finished before stepping away from me. The vice on my heart started to release a little as tension settled within me as I revelled of the strange feeling of her lips on mine. �I know,�

I watched her leave before closing the door, resting on it lightly before I turned round to see Zac standing dumbfounded in front of me. �She says �jump� you say �how high?�,� he mumbled exasperated before turning to shut himself away in his office room leaving me with another dizzy head and a throbbing head and pumping heart. She seemed genuinely moved and upset by what she�d done-she�d said sorry, which is more than I asked for, and yet I still feel a little shaky about everything. You can�t just stop taking pills, you can�t just change over night-it won�t be all smooth running like I know she wants to paint it out to be. Then Zac, his words were short but very bitter and I guess he had a point. But what more can I say than only I understand her the way she should be understood? If he could see the size of my heart he might get a better idea, but I refuse to oust this relationship on a small mistake that can be rectified in time. I refuse to sell out on love because of a few arguments and a handful of bruises.