’You said it didn’t matter, you forgave me, Isaac I never knew what to do to make you happy anyway, there’s only so long you can stumble along blindly. I made myself crazy inside trying to do you right but it never quite hits the spot. Don’t ask me to explain things of late, I just don’t know anymore, all I do know is that I want to love you but I….
I watched her pause as I tried to understand her words, their undecided tone trying to settle in my thoughts as she set her cup down and walked over to me slowly, sitting down in front of me on the coffee table, her arms resting on her legs as she clasped her hands tightly. I looked up at her through shallow set eyes, her flawless features magnifying through the lenses of my glasses. She sniffed slightly as she flipped her hair over her shoulder before she let her eyes connect with mine for a split second before shying away once again. It saddened me to think that we used to stare into each other eyes for hours, curled up on the sofa together, my head in her lap as she played with the un-ruley curls covering my forehead as I stared up at her as we just talked about anything that came to mind.
’Isaac I don’t know how to love you, it’s too hard,’ her words took me off guard, my next breath hitching in my throat as she looked away to the side, looking about ready to get up and walk away again back over to the window, but she stayed put as I tried to get my head round her admission.
’What do you mean?’ I stammered as I scooted a little closer to sit on the edge of the sofa, our knees almost touching as I tried to find the courage to reach out and touch her face, my fingers reaching out to graze her cheek but they soon fell back into my lap when I realized it wasn’t that easy.
’I can’t love someone else like they want to be loved, weather it be you or the man from the taco bell counter, Isaac I’m not the person you’ve made me into your mind. When we started dating I’d never felt more wanted by someone else and that scared me but I relished the opportunity that I could entrance someone. Don’t ask me to tell you what changed, but I feel like my head is caving in and I have no answers to anything, I’m an unstable person and I’m quite capable of falling apart at any moment and it scares me to think when I do, how much worse I’m going to be come before I go too far in myself,’ her expression was heavy and wearing and her words scared me, they hurt to hear for it made everything seem so much more dense, weighing it down so much it touched the ground. She looked a little drained from her admittance so I felt it my turn to try and match some words to make a sentence.
’I told you it didn’t matter because I guess I knew what it’d do if I didn’t try and understand things at the time. It hurt, it’s all hurt and I don’t think anyone could ever hurt me as much as you have, but I don’t think anyone could let me love them like you let me do, I realized that I had to take the rough with the smooth and I felt I could cope then. But the other week, Tea that wasn’t about what you thought I needed, your forced all that upon it and me’s torn me in two. I felt like I was being pushed to my edge and I reached it when I realized what had happened between us. I love you so much it scolds me when I close my eyes and see you in my dreams as well as my nightmares, it burns me inside to know that I can’t do anything to stop this, my love hitting you like a brick wall,’ It was getting hard to breath now, the honesty of what was being laid out on the table that was our shattered relationship being so strong, that it was a hefty task to let the words leave our mouths. I wanted a quick fix to this one way or the other so I can go off and finally break down, away from anyone who remotely cares. I need to double over crippling my body, un-abling me to move for weeks, because I just couldn’t believe how hard this was becoming, it was doubling ten fold on what I thought it would be like, I’m not designed to withstand such aching inside.
’ I know how much you need love, I know how much you give, you’re the idealistic prince charming my father wanted me to meet when I was a little girl in Sao Paolo. I’ve hurt you, I’ve been more an enemy than a lover, Isaac just look at you and what you give to me,’ her hand soon brushed my cheek lightly, causing me to flinch a little at the contact from her, which she visibly noticed as she retracted her hand and raised it to cover her face, her head burying in her lap as I heard her muffled cries that were finally starting to break out of her body. It was then as I sat there powerless, unsure of what to do next, weather to wrap my arms around her or pull her hands away from her face, or simply to just leave her, that I had flashbacks play through my head at an alarming speed, my heart in my mouth as I just stared at the fragile structure of the girl who stole my heart with her smile. Is this how it’s going to leave us? Straight out from beneath our feet, from beneath my heart, like a magic trick and we were supposed to try and stay standing?
~~
”Is there any justification for domestic violence? Isaac please, drug addiction doesn’t just stop, domestics don’t just fade out like they were last seasons collection, once it’s in a system it takes more than a few shrinks and a few anger management courses to straighten out the kinks. It’ll never be the same now so why let yourself hold onto a dying dream?”
’Please don’t forgive me, I don’t deserve you, your in love with love and I’m just an oddity trying to learn how to stand upright at 24 years old,’ her croaking words shook me out of my thoughts as I stared at her, her hands sliding down her face, her red cheeks and weepy eyes jerking me senseless as I remembered all that had been said in my head and too me over the few months.
’I’ve been thinking what to say here, I don’t know what’s best anymore either. I fell in love so easily and I had no idea it would become this hard for either of us. Tea your so special to me I don’t even know the fancy word to describe you. We’ve been together three years and every thing that’s gone by still sticks in my head, I didn’t want to forget anything and part of me still doesn’t. I have a lot of love to give and before you came along I was sat alone in hotel rooms tearing out my hair because I had nowhere to let it out too, I couldn’t trust anyone with my heart and then I found you,’
’I found you and everything fell into place, I couldn’t picture it any other way. But when you first hit me I found it hard to come to terms with, the times after that I just accepted it as my own deserving punishment, I was tired of trying to make up an excuse to believe. I felt like I had played It all wrong the day I found those tablets, it was all my fault for everything no matter how much I tried to put it down to something else. The guilt was terrible but then things only got worse. I thought I was doing you right by going to see Dannan, you said you wanted help, I thought I’d support you through that-but then you only switched drugs and made it worse, and for that night, I don’t think I could ever forgive,’ The air hung in a suspended silence, the anticipation from both of us to reach a conclusion was obvious, the uncomfortable shuffles told both of us exactly what we were thinking, to a point at least.
Just as I was about to start the conversation once more on another round of seemingly endless truth the phone rang, coming as a welcomed distraction from us both. But we both just sat their stoic, the sound bouncing off the ceramic tile walls in the kitchen to the point it just go annoying. Pushing myself up from the sofa I made my way through the a-joining arch to pick up the phone, holding it to my ear as my eyes remained fixed of Tea, trying to compose herself from my barrage of words that she found bombarded and surrounded by all of a sudden. My own chest was heaving as it felt liberating to confess, yet harsh to do so as I had to watch her pained reaction crush upon my soul for life.
Before I even said hello I recognized the gruff voice on the end of the line, it’s heavily accented tone almost as deathly to hear as Tea’s words the other night.
’I have ye stuffs, yoo can come get when ya ready lassie,’
The phone went dead before I could say anything back and I just looked at Tea who hung her head when she saw my wide-eyed shock as to who was on the other end of the line. It came tumbling back, the anger I felt, the pain, the intricate web of lies that I found myself thrust in the middle of, the excuse of stress finally wearing thin.
’You’ve not stopped, have you? HAVE YOU?’ I whispered before gripping the phone tightly in my hand, repeating myself in a desperate scream. She stood up and looked pale, her feet slowly willing her to walk closer too me and she tried to find verbal protest.
’You don’t want me back anyway, so what’s the point? Stopping isn’t as easy as you want it to be Isaac, I can’t just quit, not even for you-who said I want to?’ her tone, once again was mixed with the heated drone of annoyance, whilst her face looked pleading, pleading for me to understand that this was her life and there was nothing I could do, nothing I could show her that would stop this and make the whole situation fall back into the land of happy happy families.
’I never said I didn’t want you back. How can you put words in my mouth like that? I’m still so unsure, I needed to come here to talk to ease my mind, to help me choose the right path but in one short moment the paths have become crossed again. As for stopping, Tea, you have me to support you, hell I’d give up all I had to get you the treatment you needed just so I wouldn’t have to leave your side! I’d rather end my life tomorrow than see you spiral down even further to the point I read the headline you’ve OD’d on the front of the New York Times! I swear I’d never leave you, it’s not in me to do so but I can’t forgive you for the other night but I can forgive everything else, but then you have to lie some more, when were you going to tell me your still a doped up junkie?’ I was so close to breaking the stress and strain was obvious from the rouge of my cheeks. Her hands were wringing over and over as she listened to my outburst for a change.
’I DON’T NEED MOLLYCODDLING ISAAC! I NEED TO BE UNDERSTOOD! SO FUCKING MUCH FOR YOUR CARING AND UNDERSTANDING SIDE, YOU CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY I’M THIS SCREWED UP, YOU DON’T WANT TO, YOUR SO IDEALISTIC AND BLINDED BY THE NOTION OF BEING IN LOVE, FOR BETTER OR WORSE THAT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW THE REAL THING IF IT CAME UP AND BIT YOUR SORRY ASS!!’ It was then I felt my first ounce of regret as my hand swiped firmly across her cheek, knocking her sideways as I felt shock grip my body. I was looking at my hand in disgust, then to her, holding her cheek, her eyes watering as she looked at me through stony eyes.
’I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to do that, please I’m…,’
’Your not sorry, not sorry at all, in fact as shocked as you pretend to be I bet you’ve been wanting to do that for a while huh?’ she sniggered with a coy look cosying her features. I was shaking my head at her, never more disgusted with my actions towards a woman, I saw her laugh to herself as I let the phone drop from my hand, crashing down onto the floor, my whole body starting to ache.
’Come on, how much payback have you got? Why not get your own revenge before walking out the door and never looking back? Give me what I deserve Isaac, don’t deny the thought hadn’t crossed your mind,’ Her words were tinged with hate, their almost mocking twinges casing the tears in my eyes to brim my ducts, almost cascading down my cheeks as she walked up to me, causing me to lean back against the wall, my breath hitching in my throat as we stood only inches apart.
’I don’t want any of that, I just want this sorted, please don’t turn this around, not when we were talking properly,’ I pleaded as she placed a hand on my chest, running her hand down the soft material of my winter coat, her hand slipping through the parted center, grazing the waistband of my trousers as I clenched my eyes shut. Truth being I wanted to push her away and get her hand away from me, I wasn’t ready to be touched, I wasn’t ready for anything more than to talk and be talked to but as civil as I led myself to believe this conversation was, it was really only a matter of time before something tipped the scales. I open my eyes briefly to see the red welt on her cheek, my insides churning when I saw a sight that I had created, it almost scorched my eyes to see.
’What’s wrong, disgusted to feel me near you?’ she hushed in my ear as I squirmed a little uncomfortably.
’I can’t handle this, I can’t handle someone touching me, I’m still hurting inside Tea, please can’t we just sit down and talk properly?’ I begged as her hand reached up to caress the side of my cheek, her spindly fingers curling round my hair as she pulled off my glasses, my entire body about ready to collapse as I watched her turn around and throw them to the window.
It was then I felt myself snapping once more, raising my hands to her shoulders I pushed her away from me, causing her to stumble a little as I stalked over to the other side of the room, my breathing a little frantic as I watched her try to regain her balance.
’First you slap me then you push me, my my Isaac, where has your respect for a lady gone to? Come on baby, loosen up,’ she sing-songed as she approached me again, this time I held my hand out to try and distance her, I was starting to feel scared and unsafe, everything was now taking the turn for the worse I thought that I’d already endured once before.
’Tea, stop this, it doesn’t have to be like this, I’m here and I want to talk,’ I begged as she slapped my hand out of the way, as she had me with my back against the wall once more. She shook her head and cupped my face in her hands, an invisible force pulling on my eyes to look at her, for if I didn’t I’d feel the wrath for my disobedience.
’Don’t you see? We’ve talked, you’ve talked, I’ve talked and I still can’t change for you, you won’t open your eyes and I won’t change, maybe one day I will but right now Isaac I’m stuck here in this place and you’ve got to understand I don’t need help from you,’ she whispered with raised eyebrows as open hand wound up in my hair, gripping it tightly, pulling my hair a little causing me to gasp out a little. It was then I realized I didn’t have to stand here any longer and feel her tainted hands on me, I realized I had the right to take a stand and make myself heard.
’Let go of me,’ I said, calmly my eyes not leaving hers. When she didn’t release the grip on the side of my face or my hair I let my hands go to her shoulders as I started to push.
’I let go when you back off, or when you realize you’ve had enough and see that I don’t need you to help me or tell me what to do,’ she hissed as her eyes searched mine, my heart beating a path out of my chest as I saw the falsities form in her pupils as my anger finally reached the surface.