I was hard pressed for answers, my mind over flowing with questions and possible answers, but there were no solid blocks of truth that could substantiate either side of my argument, for or against re-salvaging what I had with Tea. Every morning I would look in the mirror and see what a mess this had become staring right back at me, it made me ashamed to even be myself some mornings when it was just too much to look at my own flesh and see what tattered remains of the relationship were imprinted upon the skin forcefully. Any courage I had to try and dress myself and leave this house to try and confront Tea and get a answer to my questions, always deserted me when I sat down to read the paper or the television for her face was everywhere, her latest project the talk of the town.
I want nothing more than to be able to just understand my own soul for a minute, just a split second insight into what was hurting and what was feeling and what part of it still held love and hope tightly by the hand. I felt the strain of what was weighing upon my shoulders more when I found out I would be back on the road in little less than three weeks, giving me just enough time for my body to loose it�s thuggish appearance and enough time to approach my demons and my loves- if there were any left. I sat down in the cosy living room with my guitar resting on my lap, just trying to pluck up the courage to lose myself in a different world where only sound exists, letting my mind sleep on the subject of my broken romance. But before I started, I looked over to the coffee table and saw a blue hardback book, no decorative cover, no markings, just a lone red bookmark poking out of the top somewhere around the middle pages. Reaching over for it, I opened the marked page as my eyes glossed over the inky noir text, there were some pencil notes written on the side that I soon recognized belong to Taylor, the words �Literature Paper Due� block capitaled round the page of text which seemed to be a poem. But as I scanned down I noticed a block of text in blue pen circled lazily with my name as the start of the note.
I softly read the note aloud, mumbling to myself as my eyes tried to phantom his scrawly writing before I lifted my eyes to properly focus on the content of the page. The familiar sense of understanding soon filled me as I read the opening words:
I stopped right there as I read the last two lines over and over, letting them mumble past my lips as my eyes trailed back and forth over the printed lines.
I laid my guitar down on the sofa and rose to my feet leaving the book open on the coffee table. It was time to make my choice and walk the miles back to Tea to face my love, face my fear and face the path that I was now set on walking down with my head held high knowing that for once I had reasoning for my decision.
I felt like a stranger as I arrived in the lobby of our apartment building. The fresh smell of paint filled my senses as I made my way over to the elevator, my numb fingers from the outside cold and the chill settling on my cheeks causing me to shiver a little as I pressed the elevator button gently. I stood back waiting for the heavy doors to slide back and reveal the ride to my floor, to my apartment and to my ultimate decision. I pulled my winter coat tighter round my body as the doors opened as I encased myself in the metal cage as it closed me off in it�s own little bubble for a while.
It wasn�t long before I�d cautiously walked down the carpeted hallway, the spaced out doors of the spacious studio apartments going by one by one, the numbers on each going down as I reached the door that held so much inside, so much happiness and warmth, so much unnecessary pain and anguish. Realizing that procrastinating wouldn�t make the fact I had to go in any less real, I put my key in the door and pushed the door open slowly, my chest already starting to tighten as I took my first step back inside in almost 2 weeks. My heart was in my mouth as I clicked the door shut behind me, the soft strains of Phil Collins came tumbling towards me telling me she was here, only a breath away from me, my future or my past. This was never going to be easy and my heart was never going to stop racing, I moved my glasses a little on the bridge of my nose as I shoved my hands deep in my winter coat, my tired eyes only being allowed to see the next step thanks to Zac rescuing my glasses mid-week.
Taking a deep breath I slowly walked towards the living room, remembering my lords prayer over and over as I stood in the doorway, watching her. She was sat on the edge of the low window, her hands wrapped around a black mug, steam rising from the hot liquid it held misting her face a little. Her curly black hair was now sleek and straight, cascading down her shoulders a black polo neck top clinging to her body, her long legs drawn up to her chest clad in red tartan short trousers. She looked to be musing and she looked so harmless I almost decided to run up to her and make all the pain go away just by placing my lips on hers, but I couldn�t, things had to be said first. I stepped further into the living room before she turned around with shocked gasp, her eyes locking with mine, hiding behind my lenses.
�You scared me,� I almost had to bite my tongue from laughing at that comment, the sheer fact that I could scare her seemed preposterous.
�I�m sorry,� I had been here no more than a few seconds and I was already apologizing.
�Where have you been?� she set her drink down on the ledge beside her as she continued to speak to me from her huddled state on the sill, her look being of displeasure and condensed anger as she looked at me as if I had no right to stay away from her after what happened.
�That doesn�t matter, I needed to get away, get away from here, get away from you, this, us- I needed to think,� I admitted as I walked forward to sit down on the sofa as I already felt the task in hand starting to sadden me as I noticed the photo of me and Tea still laid face down in it�s spot. She looked horrified when I said that I needed to get away from her, as if I had no right to heal.
� What is there to think about, I think we made it all even. Look Isaac you might not think that I love you, but I do with all my heart- I just can�t take confines and smothering and you have to learn that I�m a person too, romance can�t compensate for understanding a person,� I had already been thrown to the wolves, put in the middle of the spotlight and was being forced to speak. But already her words were hurting me because when we first met, we spent months doing exactly what she said I didn�t do, understanding everything that made the fibres of her being.
�You raped me, you think that would make me understand? You hit me, you yelled at me, you blamed me, you shut me out whilst through the whole time I was trying to get through to you, understand what was making you turn into this person that I didn�t know. I understood Tea, it�s this new subsidiary character I don�t understand,� hearing the truth tumble from my lips pained me a little, saying words I hadn�t admitted to anyone except myself in the last few days.
� Now who�s being over dramatic? Isaac, I gave you sex, that�s what you wanted, I�m your girlfriend I can�t rape you so stop blast fuming false tales, no one likes someone who cries wolf,� she just sat there looking as if the whole effort to talk to me was inconveniencing her, like I was encroaching on her mind a little too much.
�How can you even have the ordacity to say that to me, how the hell can you find what you did acceptable? I didn�t want that at all, the sole reason you thought that would shut me up is because you refused to see what you were turning into so you latched onto the one thing you could monopolize the situation with! Instead of making this about you, which is what it should be, you made it about me and played the sex card like a true pro,� I spat, the anger and the hurt came flying out of my mouth faster than I could vet it. She sighed over dramatically and looked away from me back out the window, childishly scowling as she refused to acknowledge my question with a dignified answer. I too found myself exasperated after a short round of call and response and shook my head as I ran a shaking hand through my hair, my body heat starting to boil in my thick coat.
� You made no effort to find me, carried on as if nothing was wrong- I saw the papers Tea. Do you know how much I hurt, how much you scared me inside and out? Look at you, shaking your head as if your refusing to even open your ears to my words! Since when did the true love between us die? When did the lying start, the drugs, the false cries that you gave me of �I�m sorry� and not forgetting�I�ll get help I promise,� When did this relationship become all about you? I would give you anything, I love you I treated you right and never once put myself first. Don�t sit there and say I don�t understand you for you know I do�or at least I did. How long did I spend getting to know you, how long did we spend together making decisions to sleep together, to holiday together to move in together? I�ve been by your side and taken everything from you, everything you�ve thrown at me and remained strong,� I was pleading, I was finding it hard to keep myself from going too far into the past to make her understand and most of all I was finding it hard not to go over and inflict the pain she inflicted on me for just wanting to understand.
�I remained strong until you pushed me too far, to a limit I didn�t know existed inside of me. You�ve made me weak, screwed me up and used me like a used tissue, discarding me when you see fit, using me for whatever purpose you want WHEN you wanted it. I�ve tried to make excuses for it, I�ve led myself to believe allsorts just so I wouldn�t have to see how in trouble this relationship really was, but that night � I can�t make myself believe anything Tea, I can�t find anything to fool myself with, not when I see it reflected back at me every morning and it will continue to stare back at me until the bruises fade and the memories get pushed further back in my mind,� I continued to look at her as every word passed my lips, her forehead resting on her knees as I watched the rise and fall of her back as her breathing remained steady, un-phased. When I had finished she raised her head a little and turned to rest her cheek on her knees as she looked over at me, fresh faced and young like that first day on the beach over three years ago, her lips parted slightly as she closed her eyes to find words to speak.