I’d done nothing for days, I’d not lifted a finger and even if I had the strength to do it without feeling like it’s snapping- I still wouldn’t have done anything. Mom was refusing to let me out of her sight as if I was some incontinent 3 year old who still had a problem with wetting the bed. All her concern was welcomed though, her home cooked meals, her well kept house and tales of the past were all helping me ignore my pain and see a brilliant sunset. It seems that I had to inform her of very little thanks to my brothers, for once a positive thing to come from them on this subject seeing as I couldn’t bring myself to think anymore upon what happened but a few nights ago. I’d successfully managed to confess to every intricate detail that I could remember, my mother arms holding my tightly, her hand swiping away the painful tears as I verbally stumbled over the wreckage of my heart in some vain attempt to find justification and answers, my body only crippling more in bed at night when I realized my attempts were not worth my precious breaths.

No one had visited, no one had called except for Taylor and Zac, and it was starting to feel like I was detached from the world for loving. After my gut wrenching talk with my mother the other night we’d not dwelled anymore upon the subject of Tea, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to be feeling about that. Taylor had informed me that he had seen Tea twice in the papers, first time arriving alone to the red carpet dinner for that film of hers and the other was arriving at the Vogue birthday party, yet again alone. I’d told him to stop right there, my soul was clenching in binds around my heart as I saw the headlines in my head:

I guess you could also say it proved to me she wasn’t hiding away trying to sort out her head, she was still dancing in the spotlight of a thousand paparazzi whilst she looked to be the poor, dump-ee and I looked like the villain. But I wasn’t up for defending my name, my pride or my dignity, the later of the two I was pondering their existence doubtfully as I sat in the living room watching old Monty Python re-runs in an attempt to jump start some laughter into my life again.

’Isaac, how are you feeling today?’ my mother’s concerned voice filtered through the room from the kitchen as I flipped off the TV and decided to join her.

’ Still a little sore, more sad than anything,’ I sighed as I watched her start to unpack groceries before offering to help myself.

’Why so sad?’ she pouted playfully as I smiled simply, setting down a box of my favourite muffin mix as I looked at it for distraction.

’How can I feel like this, I’m not a bad person. She’s still going about as if nothing is wrong and here I am hiding away as if I were leper! I don’t know what to think anymore, I can’t tell if I love her and I can find forgiveness in my somewhere, or if I’ve lost the power to love her and that’s what scares me the most,’ She took the box away from me and encouraged me to sit down whilst she finished unpacking, causing me to prop my elbows on the table, running my hands through my hair through the well travelled partings.

’After what she did to you Isaac there should be no doubt in your mind that you can’t love this girl. But in all fairness I’m not you and I can’t make you believe anything I say, but why does the possibility of not loving her anymore scare you?’ the dull thud of packets and boxes on the work top suddenly stopped as I looked to see my mother coming to sit opposite me at the table.

’ It scares me because everything I’ve lead myself to believe I am, everything I’ve lead myself to believe I could be to someone, love, trust, happiness, romance- it was all there and then it died, I can’t help but think that if I don’t love her anymore I’ve been living a lie to myself for too many years and I don’t know if I can do that,’ I looked up to see my mothers creased brow, her look of placid concern as the true reality of what decisions lay ahead for me sunk in to the point they stung.

’ No matter how much it my hurt to understand Isaac and at the risk of sounding like a stuck record- this is something I can’t make you understand. Everything is it’s own learning curve no matter how it came into being. All I can say is look inside of you and see if you can forgive someone who has so much power over you, that can violate you and degrade you and not feel an ounce of remorse for their actions. Somewhere along the line in her mind she’s seen how unstable she is, she’s become weak and there is no reason for you to believe that was your doing. You can’t take responsibility for someone else’s mind and make acceptations and excuses for them just because your heart is top heavy with love and hope for them and the situation,’ the expression of what my mother was saying, her hands cutting the air in frantic explanatory hand gestures, her voice taking a tone of pleading, pleading for someone to understand the words coming from her mouth. I watched her reach out for my hand before she sighed heartily.

’ Sweetheart, it’s okay to admit you don’t love her anymore, it’s okay to fall out of love with somebody because love is not something you can impose upon and unreceptive party. It doesn’t mean you’ve lied to yourself, god doesn’t just give you one chance at falling in love. It will take time for you to heal, time for you to trust and love again, but you will because you’re strong. If you can’t find justification, if you can’t find it in your heart and soul to forgive Tea then don’t-it’s okay to think about your needs for a change,’ I don’t think the look on her face at that point in time would ever leave my memory, for it’s bear truthfulness and unmasked reality was so genuine I felt like maybe I hadn’t been listening to Zac and Taylor’s concern properly. Their concern for me, and the situation was merely a more adolescent form of mother’s and as I sit here now, the channels of thought are over flowing once more with a melting pot of thoughts.

’Your bruises and cuts will fade, the scar of what she did and what she still would do to you probably will never fade unless you decide where the path of you love lies,’

After debating with my conscience to head back over to Isaac’s to pick up some more of his things I stormed over there and let myself in, cautiously looking round to see if Tea was still in I set about trying to find little thing I know he’d be missing over at mom’s. His stay was open ended and after talking with mom yesterday evening, he’s only now just starting to see the pro’s and con’s of what he’s exactly got to understand and what he has to get to grips with. It can’t be left like it is and he knows that, it’s weather or not he will make the right choice for him and leave her- but Isaac is a mystery now, I don’t even think mom knows for sure what direction he’s going to take. He could be stubborn and refuse to see that this isn’t love, or he could see that he doesn’t deserve this- but we all think differently for different reasons, so who’s to say right now what he’ll decide.

As I slung his guitar bag over my shoulder I finished stuffing clothes into a backpack I brought from home I heard the lock in the front door click, my head snapping up in shock as I heard the front door slam shut causing me to freeze as I held the backpack in my hands, shifting the guitar bag on my back. I prayed it was anyone but Tea, but that was just ridiculous, I knew full well she was home for lunch.

’Zac what the hell are you doing in my apartment?’ Sure enough she turned the corner into the living room, causing me to look at her with nervous eyes as she showed an expression of displeasure. I looked her up and down, dressed smartly, bag in hand, sunglasses on top of her head and high heal shoes that looked almost painful. She had no signs of injury and she showed no signs of sadness or worry at Isaac’s whereabouts after a whole week.

’I came to get more things for Isaac, nice to see your playing the worried girlfriend Tea,’ I spat as I stood upright and grasped the backpack in my hand before advancing towards her in order to leave the apartment without confrontation with this sick individual.

’ You know where he is?’ her look changed to deathly concerned, along with a good pale colour in order to play the roll of a distressed girlfriend.

’So what if I did, you’ve not exactly done much worrying have you? Anyway, I’m leaving I don’t talk to people who violate any of my family, your just a sick person Tea,’ I couldn’t stop the words spilling from my mouth as I looked her in the eye, the horror of my words getting too her visibly.

’ Tell me where the hell he is, we have to talk,’ she soon found her tongue as she walked up to me, scaring me a little with her close proximity.

’ I doubt he’ll be wanting to talk anytime soon Tea, look, we all know what you did to him, and you think it’s acceptable to rape your own partner…no wait, maybe to you it was just a case of giving him what you thought he wanted in order to get him off your back a little huh? As far as I know he didn’t consent and you left him black and blue scared to even talk to me, to his own family. God you make me sick, get out of my way,’ I was being pushed over the edge willingly now as I pushed past her shoulder and into the hallway with her hot on my heals.

’Zac stay out of shit you don’t understand, your nothing but a stupid child,’ just as I reached for the door her insulting words cut through as I turned to look at her once more. How could someone so beautiful, so inviting as she used to be turn into a monster like I see now? Before I knew what I was doing I’d out stretched my hand and swiped it across her cheek sharply, the throb of my hand alerting to me exactly what I’d just done.

’ That’s for my brother, maybe you should think about how you treat people, and work on those people skills,’ I spat before opening the door and slamming it with force, satisfaction and score one for my family causing me to break out in a simple smile.

It was almost midnight and I was laying in bed looking up at the ceiling, the silence of the room deafening almost as I let my thoughts swirl around my mind, my mother words from earlier managing to settle in somewhat with the flow of my own. I pulled myself to sit up, the covers falling away from me slowly as I sat on the edge of the bed, my hands pressing down on the bed to hold me upright, the darkness of the room making my whole body seem black instead of a multitude of different colours from bruises and moonlight reflections. What was going round in my head was tearing up the very fabric of my mind, I had to make a decision and no matter how long I left it I would still have to get round to it eventually. In all truthfulness I didn’t understand anything myself, I didn’t understand it when I was defending her and now I’ve been burnt I still don’t understand and maybe I never will.

I used to sing of a love song, telling the story of a love for one person and how it could never be wrong. Here I am, sitting here in my mother’s house in pitch darkness wondering how naive could I have been. I could love again, it would take time to learn but I could, but it was right now that I decided I had to understand if I was to start again, rebuilding myself into a form that wasn’t so blind to see romance isn’t all as the fairytales let you think it is. We were once everything I wanted, everything I needed and now I didn’t even know where I stood in my own shoes. All this thought seems somewhat selfish, yet as my mother said, perhaps it was time to think about me for a change instead of for two and for the relationship. The sole question at the front of my mind was only this :

’ Could it ever be the same again? ‘

For me, the pain was too great , the scaring of my mind when I shut my mind and saw her forceful expression as she let doubt and pain creep into my body. When I see her again, to sort this sordid mess out, will I let my conscience finally decide, or will I write it off like the time before and the time before that and make up some excuse to pacify myself with? Some would say it’s gone too far and I would agree, but until I can accept what has happened I’ll be in two minds as to what the right thing really is.