’If you’ve come here to say I told you so, say it now and then please leave Zac,’

My eyes were out of my head as he covered himself and started to walk away from me into the kitchen as I watched his red and yellow tinged back distance away from me, his hands grabbing the door arch before he stopped in his tracks, supporting himself up, hanging his head low. I felt the bile in my throat rise at the disgraced body of my best friend and brother tried to hold it up for just a few more seconds before he broke down and totally lost it. He was leaving my over active mind to come to the conclusion of what had exactly unfolded last night within these four walls. I wasn’t sure what to say to him, let him know that nothing mattered now except from helping him to heal in every way possible. I didn’t think this sort of thing happened to a man, rape wasn’t something I knew much about but a woman to a man and to a partner as well.

Just as I furrowed my brow and looked down at my feet, trying to stomach the power to say something that wouldn’t sound wrong I heard Isaac’s choking, painfully mind wrenching sobs cut through my train of thought.

’ I hurt so much, all over,’ he cried as I quickly made it over to him, standing just behind him as he stood still in the doorway, still gripping the frame tightly.

’ Isaac I don’t know what to do or say,’ I truthfully admitted as he pushed away from the door arch and turned to look at me, his body covering in goose pimples, his tears staining his marked cheeks as he sorrowfully looked up at me.

’ I can’t just leave her, I can’t do it,’ he whispered, sniffing back swiftly as I stood and watched him fold into a neat package of his former self.

’ You can and you have to Isaac, she’s degraded you, demoralized you and most importantly, girlfriend or not she’s violated you in everyway possible. Isaac you owe this too yourself, you can’t love someone like this, you can’t make up excuses for her,’

I knew this would ultimately scar him in plenty of ways about regards for love and trust in another, for plenty of months, if not years to come. I also knew that I couldn’t make him think anything right now, I couldn’t make him see anything the right way because this time I can’t advise him to any correct path, the only correct path is the one he finds for himself. I was dying to burst into tears myself, wrap my arms around him and tell him that I wasn’t going to let him down, I wasn’t going to barter him with choices about what to do, I wanted to let him know that his younger brother will never leave him standing out in the cold.

’ She made this all about everything it’s not and it never was about any of the other things she took out on me last night, she just wanted me to hurt, hurt because I loved her, hurt because I wanted her to live her life the way it was meant to be lived,’ he started to calm but the unbelievable quantity of hurt inside of him never once faded in his dull, lifeless eyes.

’You don’t have anything to feel bad about, and truth be told, I doubt she had any control over herself last night, and I know that doesn’t make any of this any lighter on your shoulders but it’s a factor to remember. Look come on, I’m going to pack you some stuff and were getting out of here,’ I wasn’t prepared to leave him alone, it didn’t feel right no matter how much I felt he would protest.

’ What about Tea? I promised I’d escort her to a dinner tonight for this new film she’s landed,’ he questioned with fear lilting his voice, I watched as he swallowed hard before flitting his eyes everywhere but to me. The sheer fact that my brother still felt the need to for-fill his promises to her made my heart bleed and my stomach wretch, he wasn’t thinking about himself, he never did but if I had to make him understand one thing, it was that this time it was about him and no one else.

Zac trudged about the apartment, my suitcase in his hand as he threw in everything he thought I’d need and whatever else he could lay his hands on, and all I could do was sit there, fumbling the material of the clothes he had retrieved from that room of sin that I had no strength or desire to enter right now. The denim of the jeans resting over my bear legs was rough to graze the tips of my fingers over reminding me of the rough feel of her lips on my skin, her rough palms pressing against me, pushing me placed, pinning me down.

’I’ll grab the important stuff off your desk then were getting out of here,’ Zac called from my office, awakening my mind a little as I looked up to the door exit to the office as I reached for the shirt he’d laid beside me. Fingering it lightly I swiftly pulled in over my head, feeling somewhat relieved, letting out the breath I’d held as the material cool my hept flesh, covering my injuries from my eyes. I pulled the jeans over my legs, standing up slowly to pull them over my hips, shooting pains in my thighs and groin feeling like I was being split in two as I tried to do them up properly. But once the pain quenched a little I looked down my body and saw me, no injuries or bruises, just me pure and simple. It relieved something in me not having to look at my battle scars, but when Zac came in a rucksack slung over his shoulder and a stuffed suitcase in his left hand, I knew that I had to try and learn to understand what was happening now, and I’d have to realize that maybe I had to let go of her, and forfeit my heart.

’Coming?’ he queried as I nodded slowly, pushing myself up from the sofa as I walked over to him, pausing in front of the happy picture of me and Tea, framed for what I thought was eternity. I picked it up lightly and ran my fingers over the glass, smudging away her fingerprints from the sides to see our faces properly. I was about to hold it close to me and turn to leave with Zac when I felt him taking the frame out of my hand, laying it face down on the surface as I looked at him sadly.

’ Let’s get you out of here,’

Had I wasted 3 years of my life, or had I wasted my whole life searching for a romantic kind of love that didn’t really exist? Had I chanced my only shot at happiness because I wanted everything to be as perfect as a fairytale? How many more chances in my life could I afford to take?

’Why are we here?’ I was feeling a little groggy from an hour-long car ride out of town and into the suburbs, my back aching and refusing to stop plaguing me as I noticed the familiar route we were taking. Zac pulled his car up the cobbled drive and threw the car into park before turning to look at me.

’ I can’t look after you Isaac, I can’t give you the understanding ear and the shoulder you need, I’m too young to see your point on your relationship as much as I want too, Mom can look after you better than I can. She can give you the shoulder you really need right now,’ I stared at him in disbelief as he reached over to unbuckle his belt and open the car door before I reached a hand out to stop him gently.

’You told mom what was going on?’ I don’t know how I should feel about the fact I’d have to explain everything, in every minute detail to my own mother , even though I know she’d be the rock I’d need right now, I really felt I should be mad at Zac for breaking a bridge of trust. But I never made him promise anything.

’ Isaac I had too, Taylor and I had to tell someone, we couldn’t sit back and watch this happen. If you didn’t want our thoughts on the situation, we knew we’d have to have someone to deal with the fall out,’ I suddenly felt bad for not being more understanding of their brotherly concern, but at the time and still now, I feel that it really wasn’t something anyone else could understand. But as I sit here, black and blue and many other colours of the rainbow, maybe I should accept his token of help after all, I couldn’t think alone anymore.

I didn’t reply, I just let my hand fall to unbuckle my belt as I carefully got out of the car and drunk in the sight of the modest town house my mother was sharing alone whilst dad visited friends back home. Zac retrieved my case out of the trunk and joined me in looking up at the house, the sunburnt light of the living room standing lamp radiated out through the French windows vibrantly. I looked over at Zac and sighed, wondering exactly the same as he, how did it come to this? Silently I walked towards the house and knocked at the door, contemplating my bravery every second that passed until she opened up.

’Isaac,’ seeing my mother was refreshing, she was still untouched by any of the stresses our career paths had put upon her and still the mother I would run too in any situation- and this was no exception.

She looked at me fearfully, her eyes never leaving my face as she pulled me into her arms, her emotion at this situation now evident as she stroked my hair lovingly. I still didn’t want to be touched, my tainted skin not deserving any lavish attention from another even though they posed no threat whatsoever to me. She pulled away and just looked at me closely, her hand running over my cheek as she caught her breath in her throat.

’ I’m glad you’re here, where I can watch you,’ she murmured as Zac stepped up on the porch step beside us.

’ You always told me romance would never pay, dad told me to follow my heart and now I’m struggling to understand who was right all along,’ I lulled back, my croaky voice parched and scratchy from a day and night and another anxiety riddened day , managed to admit.

This moment was stirring something inside of me as I watched her fearful face try not to show it’s tears on the outside, just like me.

’ It doesn’t matter Isaac, what isn’t right is what your allowing to happen now,’ she sighed, pushing my fringe to the side as I heard Zac set the case down beside me.

‘ I have no sense of direction, please help me,’ I begged softly as she smiled sadly as her hand fell away from me as she moved to step aside to let me in.

’ I haven’t got a road map to tell you where you missed your stop, but I’ve got all the time in the world to be there for you,’

Those words alone were enough to make me see I had found a real person who’d help me make the right choices, my kin and my relation that was there all along. My mother wouldn’t judge me, she wouldn’t hand me a scrubbing brush and tell me to scrub the devil off me until my skin bled. She’d be my only chance at realizing where the pieces of my heart had been flung too and my only hope at understanding why love can hurt so very, very much.