I sat huddled in the shower, the cold water hitting my broken body, numbing it further into oblivion as I held my head in my hands, cowering up against the wall, feeling it�s safe sturdiness calm me some. I felt paralysed down one side, totally numb from strike after strike, thrust after unwanted thrust as the restraints of my love for her tried to make sense of what was happening to me, tried to find acceptance in it, but this time I couldn�t find any justification for what had happened to me. I stretched out my legs, noting the blackening of my thighs, or my hip bones and my torso, the yellow tinges round the corner where the veins were straining against the restrictions of my useless skin. I stretched out my hands, the spray of the showers hitting them like rain drops from above as I looked at my grazed knuckles, my swollen fingers and the spot bruises appearing on my forearms. My face felt swollen and aching, my lip throbbing constantly, it�s swelling not seizing at any point for me as I took a shaky sigh, my tears drying as I drunk in the horrifying sight of my own body, and tried to come to terms with the internal and external pain that was agonizing my body, showing no signs of seizing any time soon.

I felt like wanting to cover my body, scrub it clean of any tainted cells that may have transferred from her to me during the whole ordeal, but I couldn�t bring myself to do it, the feel of the now scolding water was enough to burn off the impurities welded to my flesh. Pulling myself up on the shower rail, I stumbled a little as I reached for a towel, wrapping it tightly around my body, flinching when I tucked it the pressure of it on my skin stinging slightly. Getting out of the shower I found myself face to face with the self demoralizing sight of myself bludgend to bruises for being too caring, for loving someone so much it makes you dizzy, for wanting to give everything I was up for one person, just for a flicker of recognition in their heart. I had no idea where to turn next, who would listen to me, who would tell me that this wasn�t my fault, that my love hadn�t turned this on it�s head and inflicted pain instead of desire to care in her, so it caused her to commit this act. I needed time to think, to collect myself together and let my wounds, visible and non visible, heal. I didn�t need �I told you so� being lashed at me like a whip of insensitivity, but there was only one person I could really turn to right now, the only one that would simply put everything aside and help me find my head.

What I can�t understand is, why what I�m saying is so wrong. Isaac is normally the type of guy to weigh up both sides of every argument, thus the reason why were normally running over time on everything because he analyses everything so it makes sense, so why isn�t he doing that this time? Does it make a whole lot of difference when he�s the one on one side of the argument? Truth be told, I never did like Tea Deacon, she had trouble written all over her, and although they say never judge a book by it�s cover- she�s my one exception on that front. Isaac on the arm of a leggy latino, if you can picture it then I�ll drum at your friends birthday party bash next summer.

I was now hell bent on getting my brother out of the hole he was only making bigger for himself by sticking up for her. Stalking down the plush hallway of their apartment block I rehearsed my concerned words once more, trying to strengthen the floors in Taylor�s previous attempt and my attempt at pointing out the con side of this argument, before that. But when I reached the door I found it on the latch, held open by the metal lock bolt out, unable to lock. Pushing the door open with one lone finger I stepped into the cold apartment Isaac�s keys and a pile of files and his guitar all bagged up leaning against the hallway table. I shut the door behind me and walked through to the kitchen, calling out softly for Isaac. �Ike? You home?� I pattered as I opened the door to his office only to find it empty and the bathroom empty, but it was humid inside so I knew he was around somewhere, the shower still dripping a little into the tub. The bedroom door was closed shut, so very unlike Isaac and Tea too, the bedroom door was always half open to let light into the hallway. Reaching for the handle I pushed down lightly, opening the door taking one single step in before I heard something crunching beneath my foot. Looking down I noticed the lilac ceramic of the bedside lamp, it�s swirled white pattern informing me of its identity. I immediately thrust the door open as my eyes widened in horror at the scene before me. Books on the floor, broken cosmetic bottles lay on the floor, the mirror onto of the chest of draws fallen forward, the remainder of the bedside lamp and the content of the table strewn all over the floor, and Isaac�s clothes all in disarray all over the floor, the rumpled up sheets of the bed not turned back or slept in and then I noticed a small spot of blood on the pristine white quilt cover. Turning round I busted through into the living room, yelling his name, only to find him curled up on the sofa, holding himself with his eyes tightly shut, the swelling on his face now undeniably mutinous. He had on only his boxers, his back and sides and bronzed forearms bruised, battered and scratched to oblivion, the artists palette of black, blue, purple and yellow bruising indicating the degree of severity as my eyes scanned his wrestles form. Surely this wasn�t all Tea�s work, Isaac�s 6ft and a big guy, there�s no way in hells earth that celery stick of a girlfriend could have done this too him. If she did, what the hell for? What had he done but try and love her regardless? I noticed him shifting a little as one pulverised eye opened to look at me, his lips parting a little as he sucked in air whilst turning on his back. The cut in the center of his bottom lip looked to be needing a couple of stitches as did the cut on the bottom of his foot which looked to be from the lamp ceramic on the floor in the bedroom.

�What do I say to this?� I hushed as I sat down next to him as he hung his head as he leant over a little, showing yet another set of bruising on his lower back. �What have you gotten yourself into?� I further added as he reached for a tissue from the box on the table to wipe the perspiration from his forehead. �My heart is breaking,� he solemnly replied as he finally looked up to me as I cracked my knuckles annoyingly. �Doesn�t look like the only thing breaking, what excuse is there for this? Someone who�s getting help doesn�t do this, hell a sane person doesn�t!� I felt outraged, angry and cross at Tea and even at Isaac for being so stupid as not to hold himself back and analysis this for what it really was. �I can�t make her stop, she won�t stop, I don�t even think she wants to stop. First Vicodin, now speed, what�s going to be next? What have I done to her to drive her this way, so she doesn�t even value my concern anymore?� This was a picture of a man lost in his own world with no transport to bring him back to the real one he knew existed somewhere inside of him. �It�s not up to you to stop her Isaac, she�s so obviously lost she doesn�t want to be found, I don�t even think it�s you, I think she�s lost contact with the real world and fallen into the one driven by media, money and status-it�s not you,� I turned a little more to see him as he stood up to walk unsteadily over to the small window, picking up the picture of Tea and himself in the pristine silver frame he dragged me and Taylor all over New York to find. �If it�s not me why did she tell me she didn�t like me breathing down her neck, that I was only helping her because I wanted a�that I wanted sex,� he visibly and audibly faltered as he hesitantly turned the picture face down before running his hands through his hair, breathing an exasperated sigh. I could have joined him on that sigh.

�Why the bruises, why the scratches, why anything Isaac? I though you guys were in a reconciliation stage?� I questioned as I noticed the bruising on his hipbones as his boxers rode low, revealing more hurt and pain. �I don�t know why, I never know why anymore! I caught her with speed yesterday, we argued, she slapped me and then yesterday I found out her dealer, I went to confront him, he couldn�t care less and then when she came back she�.she knew I�d been to see him and she�.she just flipped, she, she,� he stammered as I watched him ball his fists over and over in his hands as he tried to speak the events of last night that lead to such a punishment beating. I almost wanted to cover my hands over my ears for fear of what atrocities he�d speak of next. There were more burning issues in my mind though, like what more would it take to make him see he was loving a lost cause, that he didn�t deserve the treatment she gave him all because he acted a little concerned for her own welfare now and then. I think she�d proved to us all she couldn�t look after herself properly, let alone her stake in the relationship.

I walked over to him, my intention merely to give him a brotherly hug, but he flinched as soon as I approached him, my hand barely reaching his shoulder as I looked at him oddly. �Sorry, I�m just really sore right now,� he muttered before going to sit back down on the sofa comfortably. He was a nervous wreck, constantly fidgeting with his hands or running them through his hair and I couldn�t help but let my mind turn to bigger problems that perhaps he was keeping from me, like, this wasn�t Tea�s handy work, it was that of her dealer..or something equally as shocking. I wasn�t quite sure how to voice my increasing concerns as I watched him hold his head in his hands one moment, then click his wrist the next. �Is there more to this, something your too afraid to tell me because I might judge her, or you even?� he had to know I was on his side, despite my annoyance that he hadn�t heeded my warnings prior to this savage domestic now evident all over his body. �Why should there be more to it Zac? I was stupid, didn�t listen and now I ended up in more pain than before, but what can I do, she�s my girlfriend,� he seemed unsure of saying �girlfriend� and this gave me more to go on. �Wait a second here, you still love her, still want her back after this?� I didn�t want to seem so shocked and condensing in my tone of voice as I did, but had no other way of expressing it. There was a veil of silence between us as his rattlely breaths the only sound vaguely audible. �I don�t know what to think about her, my heart is breaking and I can�t stop it, this shouldn�t have happened to me,� his tears were now streaming down his cheeks as I could only sit and watch his whole world, all his morals on relationships and romance being thrown onto a concrete floor from a great height. His tears grew more and his fidgeting was starting to drive me crazy. I soon found myself reaching out to cover his hands to stop him from clicking his fingers anymore and that�s when I saw the fear in his eyes, just at the feel of my hand on him. It was then I felt myself, for once, being the older brother, being the tower of strength to someone else and the weight of it on my shoulders was incredible. If this was what it felt like to be him day in day out, then I totally feel bad for not respecting him even more.

�Isaac, please tell me,� I begged softly as I took my hand away from him, realizing it was probably for the best to calm him down. My eyes roamed his body as I felt more questions push at my mind. �Whatever she�s done it�s not right, you could have stopped this before it got so far Isaac, why didn�t you?� I begged as I watched him shut his eyes in annoyance. I knew maybe now wasn�t the time to be badgering him but curiosity got the better of me, the urge to help him got to me but I feel I�d have to master sensitivity much better than this to get anywhere. Just as I was about to speak again, he pushed past me as he stood up and promptly looked me in the eye before removing his boxer shorts.

�Happy now?� he cried agonizingly.

I�d never felt more sick in my life.