I sat in my car in the parking lot, unsure of what to do next. I was shivering with fear, the coldness of the under ground parking lot causing my skin to prick with cold bumps. I didn�t know quite who to talk to, who to turn to right now, as much as I wanted to go running to Zac-it was almost defiantly out of the question. I�d burnt all my bridges it seemed, yet I didn�t quite know why, I was only standing up for what I believed in, that�s not a crime in my book. I debated going back upstairs to talk to Tea, to plead with her once more, to get down on my knees and show her I�d worship her, nurse her and comfort her through life�s troublesome road. But it was becoming more and more evident, with every swipe of her hand that she likes the rut she�s got herself in, and there is nothing more crippling to me, than watching her slip further and further away from my sight, my heart bloody and worn in her hand. Leaning back in the seat, my hands gripping the steering wheel, I rested my forehead against the side of the window, sighing haughtily. I was all cried out and I had nowhere to turn tonight, so I clambered through the front seats and flopped down on the comfortable back seats, resting my head at one end, propping it up a little with my hands. I had no one to solace myself with except myself and with how much I ache, inside and out right now, that�s not very comforting at all.

I woke from my groggy slumber to find the parking lot almost totally empty, my watch ticking loudly before it beeped it�s way to a new hour. Realizing where I was and what I was doing on the backseat of my Jeep Cherokee fully clothed, I thought about getting back up to my apartment, that Tea would have long vacated on her way to a bundle of pointless meetings. I was choosing not to let myself think right now, my only objective was to wash and feed myself, then sit down and wallow in my pain, searching for previously un-travelled paths of unstable love. As I let myself in I noticed the trail of clothes that had been shed in a trail from the bathroom to the bedroom, underwear and a marked white shirt stern without care over the wooden floor. It was obvious she�d made no effort to try and sort herself out last night, no doubt collapsing into bed to sleep off her trip and her headache from our argument. I bent down to pick up her clothes before noticing the mess in the bathroom, the content of the cabinet all over the floor, and those blue pills that were my new enemy still scattered everywhere. I pulled myself back from the sight, not wanting to lend myself to more tears over a situation that could and would be rectified soon, It just had to be fixable. I threw her dirty clothes in the linen basket and walked sluggishly through to the kitchen to find sugar spilt on the work top, milk left out of the refrigerator and a dirty butter knife on the table. The disarray of the apartment matched that of my mind as I grabbed a washcloth to try and clean up a little. But as I bent down to pick up a scrap of paper on the floor, I noticed Tea�s baby blue organizer on the floor, no doubt having fallen out of her bag this morning without her even realizing it. Crouching down I picked it up and looked down at it, contemplating opening it for any indication of perhaps where her new drug supply was coming from, even though I had a hunch if I found this Dannan, I�d find the drugs. Call it an advanced suspicion, but the fact she visits him twice a week and forever seems to be talking on the phone to him makes me suspicious Did I even want to hurt myself more by making the situation even more real if I looked through here and found my answer? Feeling that clinch in my chest, the ache of my heart and body for her, I pulled open the organizer, adjusting my eyes to the sight of the scrawly writing anywhere and everywhere she could fit it. Flipping page by page I found nothing that would help me until I reached the back, the secret pocket bulging with papers and her spare credit card. Pulling out the papers I filed through clothing receipts and memos from her agent and that appeared to be it. Until I came across a pink piece of paper that gave me the answer I�d be asking for.

Stuffing the papers back in the organizer I threw it on the table before bolting back out the door like a man possessed. If Dannan wasn�t the source I believed him to be, I�d press him until he told me everything he knew about the woman I loved.

I�d successfully managed to jump two red lights without getting killed or caught by the police by the time I pulled up opposite 24 a Toulouse Avenue. I had no hesitations anymore for I was fuelled by a burning anger to lay blame at someone�s door for aiding Tea to do this to herself. When I think back to when I first knew her, there was nothing she hated more than drugs to help you make it through the day and I don�t know what I�d missed along the 3 years we�ve been together but it had to be something big to make her do such a big U-turn on that theory. What was it exactly? Did I not give it hard and fast enough, or did I not sweep her off her feet enough? Or was it I was overly romantic and I smothered her? Was it me at all or was it just her? Getting out of my car I locked it and briskly made it across the quiet road before making it into the small porch of the building. Noticing the intercom system I buzzed apartment a and tried to think up the best excuse I could to be at Dannan�s door. Not being one to lie or embellish the truth I found it hard to seem convincing enough, until he answered in that gruff tone causing me to think on my feet.

�Hi this is Isaac, Tea�s boyfriend look she went out last night and didn�t come home, I was wondering if you could help me find her?� how unconvincing did I sound. He didn�t give me a reply he just buzzed open the door, the foul stench of pot hitting me as soon as I made it into the communal hallway. If I wasn�t convinced before it was him, I am now. Approaching the open door of grotty apartment �a� I made my way past boxes in the hallway before stepping into the reeking apartment. �I havney seen her,� a voice came from in a side room of the apartment. I creased my brow a little as I stepped in a little more to see a longhaired man, his straggly black locks tied back in an elastic band, his face covered in stubble his attire consisting of no shirt and tracksuit bottoms. I had to stop myself from fleeing when I noticed a large scar across his stomach. �I haveny seen the lassie since yesterday, and how did you get ma address?� as he spoke more I could make out he was heavily Scottish, something I�d not realized on the phone the other week. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, looking round the messy room I was in as Dannan walked passed me into a little kitchenette. �Look there was another reason why I came round to see you, and how I got your address isn�t important,� I didn't want to hang around him anymore than I had too. �Oh yea laddie?� he looked at me with one raised bushy eyebrow as he held a shot glass of clear liquid too his lips. Clearing my throat as I stomached the courage to say something I suddenly noticed the handgun laying on the table, fear surged through me at an incalculable rate. My mind was made up that this was not an old acquaintance of Tea�s she�d made through modelling, in fact he seemed like the regular low life that I only ever saw in movies. �Are you supplying drugs to Tea?� I squeaked as he tipped his head back ,downing the alcohol in on gulp before slamming the glass back down on the side, his wide grin almost scaring me. �Straight to tha point hum? Wouldney you like ta know,� he laughed, his in-audible dialect making my rage at him escalate further. �I need to know, she needs help and I can�t help but think your supplying to her, she never mentioned you in 3 years then she starts acting like you�re her newest buddy-cut the shit and tell me,� I growled as Dannan leaned against the counter his legs crossed and his arms folded over his chest a menacing look gracing his haggard face. �Aye, that I have- but no one forced her, she approached me aye, desperate for something to pick up her life, help her ta cope with tha stress. Says a lot for you, doesn�t it laddie?� he chuckled, easily admitting he was supplying to her. I almost felt my legs give way from under me as his laughter grew, ringing in my ears as he approached me, the disgusting smell of his odour causing me to inwardly wretch. �She told ma you caught on ta her, only made her reach for the harder stuff though- she�s nothing but a closet junkie one step away from shooting up heroin,� I started to step away from him, his vile words smearing across my heart like acid dissolving it bit by bit. �Tat�s right, go burry you head in ta sad little rich boy, if you need a fix, ma door is always open,� he cackled as I made it over to the door, not quite sure what I could say next in retaliation. The wind had not only been knocked out of my sails but all the energy and life was drained from my body, I�d dropped my shield and my sword and I was about to reach for the white flag. I can�t do this, I can�t admit that perhaps the unthinkable is happening, that Zac was right and my heart was starting to shatter.

I couldn�t stop my tears, I couldn�t even hold myself up right by the time I�d gotten home. I collapsed on the bed and just lay there, staring into nothingness my eyes stinging from not blinking as I held my hands over my head, blocking out any sounds as I just held myself, feeling myself shutting down all operations inside of me. I had no idea where to turn or what to do now, I couldn�t find a voice of reason inside me for her actions, I couldn�t find that willingness to forgive yet I gave my heart away and I am too scared to ask for it back, I don�t want to ask for it back because it�ll never be the same again. I�m so insanely scared of myself, of what�s going on, it just feels like a movie script and were just actors playing out roles. To make it worse I knew this wasn�t the case, and I couldn�t shift the cackling of that vile man from my mind, his harsh words etched into my mind as I swiped a hand under my eye. Was my mother right all along- romance is just a phase, it�ll never last, you have to compromise somewhere, I didn�t want to but I felt like I already had, I�d compromised the state of my heart by delving into something I�d rather ignore if I could just be with her once again, it�d make everything right just to feel her next to me again.

Not long after I came home I heard the clicking of the front door opening, it�s loud slam causing me to jump a little from my huddle position on the bed as I heard the clunking of heals on in the hallway, followed by the feeling of presence in the doorway. �What the hell are you doing here?� she slurred as I sat up to see her holding onto the door frame, her hair falling out of her twist, her latin skin seemingly darker in the dimming light of the bedroom, her lipstick slightly smudged. �Tea,� I sighed as she walked over to me, her hands on her hips before she started giggling uncontrollably, causing me to look on in amazement. �Your so fucking pathetic Isaac you know that? You think you were clever going to Dannan�s?� she questioned pushing my shoulder roughly before stumbling a little on her heals as I caught the distinct smell of alcohol on her breath and smoke on her clothes. �I�m trying to help you, you have to let me Tea you can�t do this to yourself, I love you so much and this is how you repay me?� I tried my best not to let any tears fall from my puffy eyes as she kicked off her shoes, one hitting my shin with force. �No ones making you stay,� she scoffed as she kicked her other shoe out of the way as she walked over to the bedside table to switch the lamp on. I grabbed her arm, spinning her round to look at me, her expression looking stunned for a split second.

�I don�t want to leave you, how many times do I have to spell this out too you? You were my first everything, there�s nothing I wouldn�t give to you to make you a better person, there�s nothing I wouldn�t do and then one day you turn into this party animal, one track minded closet junkie who disregards anyone who cares for you! Your breaking my heart, it hurts to look at you and I hate myself for even feeling like that. I�ve defended you and never once said no to you, I�ve even put my wants and needs on hold for you- I�ve wanted to be with you for months now, showing you how much you mean, how much inside I have for you, just for one night to be with you again yet every chance you get you shoot me down, your draining me Tea, your draining everything out of me,� I exclaimed not letting go of her arm, her eyes trained to mine coldly. As soon as I was finished talking she pulled her arm out of my grip with a hostile shuffle backwards as she scowled dirtily. �Oh your such a martyr Isaac, awww so you we haven�t fucked in a while, is that the problem? Not the fact that your girlfriends a headstrong, career minded junkie just the fact you�ve not had enough of the horizontal mambo,� her vulgar phrasing caused me to grimace as she suddenly reached for my shoulder, grabbing it painfully as she bent down to look at me, her eyes staring into mine as her fingers dug into my flesh through the thin material of my shirt as I stifled a painful groan in my throat. She crushed her lips to mine, the thick musky taste of wine and vodka caught in my throat, her tongue lashing at mine violently as I tried to push her hand off my shoulder, only causing her to tighten her grip as she bit down on my lip causing me to cry out in pain as I felt the silvery taste of blood flooding my taste buds. She pulled away from me, her thumb swiping away my tears as she smiled cruelly, the alcohol she�d take in causing her to waver a little. I wiped my hand over my lip, the smearing of the blood from my lip only causing a little more fear to mount inside of me as she pinched my cheek hard before pulling my face round to look at her properly.

�Okay Isaac, you want your love returned? Your gonna get exactly what you want and a whole lot more,�