7 days had passed since I’d last seen, or heard from Taylor. Zac had called round once with some ideas he’d sketched down, but promptly left after running out of conversation that didn’t involve Tea. I didn’t quite know how to feel about the situation with my brothers, I just wished there was a rug I could brush them under and I’d come back to them later- but I couldn’t, I knew that. I’d just have to show them that I’ve made the right choice, but then again the conflict in my mind is that I shouldn’t have to prove myself, or my relationship to anyone.

Tea had be a whirling dervish of activity since that day when she came home and practically knocked me over, throwing her arms around me ecstatically as she jumped up and down at the prospect of her new job. It was a start for her, a supporting role in a romantic comedy, and no doubt it would be the boost to another rung of her ladder. We went out for celebratory drinks and a meal that evening, meeting up with a few friends before going onto a club opening downtown. For once I didn’t mind being dragged to a club with an entourage of Tea’s friends in tow, because it signalled the start of a new phase of our relationship. This whole week she’s been backwards and forwards to meet different people in connection with the film, other cast members, producers, script writers and each and every day she came back with a bigger smile than before, a tighter embrace and a refreshed knowledge that this time, it was her in the driving seat. I knew that within a few weeks I’d be back working fully with my brothers, the rest byte after the last tour now well and truly over and I had to sort things out with them, but this time I didn’t know if I really wanted too.

’Isaac will you help me look over these papers?’ she called from the living room, flipping the stereo on to some light surrounding music. Putting down my guitar I didn’t bother taking off my glasses as I wandered through to sit with her on the sofa. I put my arm round her as she pushed them my way with a smile, her head resting on my shoulder as I started to read the small print that could only have been compared to a micro dot. ‘I’ll leave you to look at those I have to phone Dannan,’ she cooed, kissing my cheek before shrugging off my arm and heading for the kitchen phone. I looked up from the papers to see her nervously fidget with her hands as she held the phone to her ear, waiting for the mysterious Dannan to pick up. When he did, she scurried out into the hallway, muffling conversation as my mind started to wonder. Dannan was still a person I’d not heard about, yet shed called him at least twice since he called and rudely hung up on me last week. Maybe he was just an old acquaintance, maybe he worked on the film, maybe he was a family friend. There was an endless list of who he could be and just as she walked back through to the living room after putting the phone back, I decided I’d ask. ‘Who is Dannan baby? You’ve never mentioned him before,’ I mused as I continued to scan over the papers in front of me, shifting to the next after I’d finished one. ‘Oh he’s just someone I used to see a lot when I was on the catwalk, he was a dress hand that’s all. Actually he’s not feeling too well and I said I’d pop down and check on him, you don’t mind do you?’ I looked back at her, pulling my glasses off as she took the papers from me and tucked them back in her leather bound letters book. ‘I don’t mind, just don’t be gone too long, it’s 9pm already,’ I warned as she let her hand rub my arm softly as a smile crept onto her face. ‘I won’t,’ she smiled before pressing her lips too mine, allowing me to capture her in a simple kiss, her tongue running along my bottom lip briefly before she pulled away. ‘Wait up for me,’ she questioned as I nodded my head with a shy smile before I watched her scurry through to get herself ready to leave.

Sitting there after she’d hollered her goodbye my mind started going back into concerned overdrive. Did I buy her story that he was just an old friend? What was with the phone call last week, that he had something to give her? Am I being paranoid? My mind was not thinking that she could be possibly having an affair with this man, but the sheer fact that she’d blown off her therapy date because she felt I was all the guidance she needed, and now she had a man who she had seen twice in the past week…. She wouldn’t do that to herself, she wouldn’t do that to me. Is there any possibility that he could be giving her Vicodin? Where are all these unfounded things coming from, I’m just so committed to getting through all this with her I just don’t want to see it all gone to waste. It was all I could to stop myself from going into the bathroom to rifle through the medicine cabinet, to see if I could find a hidden trace of any more tablets being brought into this house. This is all so unfounded Isaac, get a grip. If she were taking Vicodin again her moods would have changed, but it’s different this time, she’s actually GOT a job, so why would she need them? Okay so if I say to myself I am being ridiculous and over the top-I’m still not convinced about who Dannan really is.

I was sitting in a hugs office in a huge building in the business district of the city with Tea in the casting directs office for the film project she was due to start rehearsing for next week. She was holding my hand rather tightly as Harmon Jones paced about her office talking about a bunch of jargon that I didn’t even register, but that Tea was understanding fully. Tea had been noticeably clingy since the other night when she arrived back from Dannan’s house, my mind still playing sketched of paranoia on me, even though I was choosing to ignore it. I trust Tea, I love Tea, what kind of partner doubts? I shouldn’t automatically assume anything, it might only make us go back to a bad place again. She was holding my hand, asking for cuddles, kissing me tenderly at every available opportunity and I was loving it thoroughly. It did come to mind that she was on a high from actually landing this job, and would explain most of her actions since the other day, but I still couldn’t stop myself from having suspicions of her.

As the casting director left us to take care of some business, Tea sat calmly tapping her fingers on her knee nervously, biting her lip harshly as I looked over at her. ‘Where do you want to go after this?’ I whispered as she looked over to me a little surprised. ‘Oh uh, I don’t mind, I have to see Dannan though, he’s not doing so well today,’ She’d gone from acting business like, to acting like a ninny in no time at all. ‘Again? Boy, I’m going to have to meet this friend of yours sometime,’ I laughed, trying to pull off a neutral look as she narrowed her eyes at me. ‘Why, don’t you trust me that he’s just a friend or something?’ she spat back, almost venomously as she dropped my hand out of her clammy grasp. Now it was my turn to look surprised. ‘Tea, did I say anything? I’m just saying seeing as your good friends maybe he should come over some time so I can meet him,’ I reasoned as I turned more to see her. ‘No Isaac, I see what your doing here, your suspicious of me! My god,’ she laughed mockingly. She was putting words in my mouth that were only in my mind so far. ‘Tea, please don’t start, I was merely making a suggestion,’ I toned down my voice trying to dampen out the flames of this little situation before it engulph us again. ‘Just go home or go do whatever you want, just leave me here to sort this, I don’t need you hanging over me like I can’t be trusted,’ she refused to look at me as I shook my head, trying to understand where this argument had stemmed from. ‘Tea, lets not fight over something so trivial, of course I trust you baby, why wouldn’t I?’ I felt such a fraud for saying that but it was obvious I couldn’t let her think I was suspicious of her. ‘Just go Isaac, I’ll see you later,’ she hissed to me just as the casting director re-appeared through the door spouting her apologies as she walked back over to the desk. ‘Isaac has to leave I’m afraid so it’ll just be you and me,’ Tea smiled to the petite woman dressed in a high powered business suit who’s hair was bigger than Dolly Parton’s. I took this as my queue to exit, leaning down to give Tea a kiss on the cheek that was quickly pulled away leaving me feeling a little exasperated and clueless as to what had just happened between us. Was she jumping on the defensive because she had something to hide, or because she thought I didn’t trust her. It was so out of the blue, it was hard to tell.

Later that afternoon after went for lunch, alone at Emery’s I knocked it into my thick head that I really had no business presuming anything. When you love someone you have to trust them and respect them and I really couldn’t face going through a new wave of arguments with Tea, my heart couldn’t stand anymore vice like torture. Parking my car up in the underground lot, I made my way up to the apartment via the lift, holding the small gift bag in my hand, it’s content hot off the stuffed animal shelf at FAO Swartz. My first thing was to apologize to Tea when she came home, even though I’d not accused her of anything, or announce my suspicions of Dannan-I still had to correct this afternoon regardless. Recognizing her car wasn’t in the lot indicated she wasn’t home yet, giving me time to make us a little bit of dinner in order to add to my apologies. But as I entered the apartment, setting the gift bag down as I shut the door behind me quietly, pulling my jacket off-I heard rustling coming from down the hall.

Slipping my shoes off, I pricked my ears up more as I creped down the hallway, following the rustling that was now accompanied by tinkling of bottles and containers. I stopped outside the bathroom door, which was ajar a little way and saw Tea franticly rummaging through the bathroom cabinet, pushing tubes and bottles aside before tossing them in the sink out of fury. My heart seemed to stop suddenly as thoughts came to mind as to what she was doing as she leaned against the basement reaching right to the back of the cabinet as I kept my eye trained to her slender form through the crack in the door. I watched her intently as she grasped the small silver tube that we used to hold aspirin, her eyes widening as she smiled to herself, twisting off the top like an eager child at Christmas. What I next witnessed broke something in me, I felt the sting at the back of my eyes as I watched her shake out two of the round blue pills onto her hand before she tossed them into her mouth, gulping down heartily. The blue tablets held in the tube were not aspirin, were not even that of Vicodin and now I was starting to have tremors of fear through my body as to what she was doing. My mind was boggling as I watched her shove the tube right at the back of the cabinet before she carefully picked up the packets, containers and bottles she’d tipped into the sink, blockading the tube out of sight as she boxed it all back into the cabinet. Her breathing was getting heavier as she clicked the cabinet door shut, gripping onto the side of the basin, her hands holding on so tightly as her body wavered a little, her knuckles turning white with the strength of her hold. I watched her through blurry eyes as she slid down the wall, one hand still holding onto the basin for balance as she lolled her head from side to side as she smiled giddily. I couldn’t take the sight of her drugged up body starting to trip, I had to make my presence known as crushed as I was feeling.

’Tea, what’s going on?’ I asked calmly as I stepped into the bathroom watching her eyes adjust to the sight of me, her expression not changing. ‘Nothing Isaac, I took a couple of aspirins for a headache,’ she laughed as I pulled open the cabinet in a burst of anger, pushing everything out of the way onto the floor, into the basin as she pulled up to stand beside me as I reached out for the silver tube, turning to face her. ‘What is it this time? Breath mints, diet pills? What’s wrong with you?’ I yelled seriously to her as her expression started to turn cold on me. ‘Aspirin Isaac, that’s what they are, so I’ve had a couple of drinks with my lunch, see I told you, you couldn’t trust me because I had one moment of weakness!’ she cried back as I felt her grab my arm with force. ‘Of course I’m not, you act all suspicious about your reasons for not going to see a therapist to help with the Vicodin, now this Dannan person turns up out of the blue and you run to his side a lot, we’ve been together 3 years and I’ve never heard of him! Hell I’d love to believe these are aspirin but I can’t Tea! I FUCKING CAN’T BELIEVE YOU! You can’t believe how you were last time, you couldn’t believe what you did, you had no self control and you blamed it on stress, I’ve been by your side and these last couple of weeks have been magical but now what, you get a job and still the novelty of being drugged up to the nines is still lingering?’ I screamed at her as she tried to fight me for the tube in my hands, clawing her nails at me as I held the tube tight in my hands as she pressed me up against the basin hey eyes wide as she pulled at me time after time.

’How can you do this to me Tea? I love you so much and you do this too me, TWICE!’ I cried as I pushed her off me so I could move a little away from the basin as I looked at her tear stained face. I opened the tube and threw the pills all over the floor before she lunged at me again hitting me repeatedly, pulling my hair her hands pummelling the sensitive skin around the gash on my head, bruising my cheek over and over as she lashed out at me violently. ‘You have no idea how hard it is Isaac, NO IDEA! I want to stop I want help but I can’t not right now, I wish you could understand,’ she begged as she moved away from me a little as I looked at her, my body aching, shaking in disbelief as I held my head in my hands, looking at her exasperated. ‘Understand what? That my girlfriend if a closet speed freak that chows down on it so she can stay awake longer, get through the day and not have the worry of noticeable mood swings? You think I wouldn’t have noticed? Tea, your braking my heart, you held it in a vice the first time and now your just trying to brake it,’ I could feel the choke in my throat as the saline ran down my cheek as she stood in front of me calmly. ‘No Tea, I’m getting out of here for a few hours, get yourself together and then maybe we can try and sort this, I’m going to get you help-this isn’t how it’s going to end, it won’t end because I’ll still love you,’ I shooed away from her, holding my hand out to push her away from my aching and tense body.

Looking at her fear racked face I swiped my hand over my face, wiping the tears away that were starting to shed. I felt faint, like I wanted to collapse and fall into a deep sleep and when I woke up Tea would be standing there smiling, holding my hand and we’d live happily ever after. What’s gone so wrong to make her turn to this, is it me? Is it the relationship or is there more to this that I don’t know and probably don’t want to know about because it’d just cripple me? I tore down to my car, clutching my keys in my hand, pulling my coat on as I went. I needed my brother, I needed someone to just listen to me, and I needed help. I couldn’t take the strain of my own love for her anymore, it was driving me crazy, all this though and wondering why and what her motives for doing all this are. Does the last two weeks count for nothing with her? The comfort, the embraces, the nights out, the talks…….was she faking it all? The day she said she was so sorry for hurting me, that she loved me, was that the day she called up her dealer and said ’switch me to something he won’t notice I’m taking’? Lord hear my prayer: Give me back my Tea, please I can’t take this strain anymore. I’ll end up abandoning my faith in her, the faith in our relationship and faith in my love. Please help me find the answers.