I Used to Pick Flowers
When I was a kid, a wee lad mind you, I�d pick flowers. I don�t know why, but the thought just struck me one day that I had, in the past, done so. And now I was of the habit of smoking cigarettes. Not that I traded one for the other, but something about it made me think. Not that it�s deep, it just made me think. That maybe, for instance, I was as dumb as I thought I was.
So I quit smoking. Last time I �quit� I lasted an hour before I bought a new pack, and for quite a while I was up to a pack a day. Sure I�d admit to having done it before, but I�d never admit that I was still, up until recently, smoking a pack a day. It was never a really conscious thing either. Cigarettes weren�t constantly on my mind, unless some customer was bugging me the fuck out at work. Sometimes I was unaware I was lighting up a new cigarette until someone would comment something like, �Jesus! That�s your fourth one!� So I chain-smoked too.
I don�t appreciate life as much as I thought I did. Ignorant, rude, selfish people bug the shit out of me. People who treat the road like it�s their personal playground and cut me off doing 90 so they can exit on the ramp 10 feet in front of me. People who treat other people like their feelings aren�t as important as their own. I understand that looking out for you is important; we all live only our own lives. Yet some people just seem to really not care about anyone else at all. The kind of people who will consciously leave a happy relationship to something they�re unsure of, maybe even sure it won�t be as good� simply because it�s �new�. Yet these things get to me, and can keep me from truly enjoying the things I find beautiful, and I realize I need more room for appreciation.
I keep a lot of things in, as I am incapable of handling my anger in any kind of manner. I either don�t even know when it�s appropriate for me to be angry, or have the ability to stay angry when I know I have the right to be. From about 9 years old to 15 I had a problem with constant, boiling anger, and I�m sure my fear of being like that again suppresses it.
To the one who shoved a chair into me. I don�t even know you, and if my t-shirt challenges you to prove something to me, you really need to re-evaluate yourself. If you think your black clothes and angst sets you apart from the �fools� around you, you�re only making a fool of yourself. Hell, I�ve been there kid. You don�t shop at Hot Topic because it�s too trendy, however you think you�re the reason everyone else does. Yet you�re suddenly realizing that instead of setting yourself apart from everyone else with this �image,� you�ve simply labeled yourself for everyone else to judge you by.
To the one whose life isn�t a movie. You think the clever things you mimic will make your life more complete, when it�s really only a fa�ade of an existence. You admit to being selfish, as if recognition of the fact justifies your actions, instead of doing something about it. You use lies to cover up what you know you shouldn�t have done, to keep what isn�t real, and fake what you don�t feel. You abuse lives by your utter neglect of respect and your lack of empathy has given your memory the most hollow of feelings. You don�t admit to anything. You take for granted everything, and treat it all like a burden. You don�t know what you want, but you blame everyone else for not getting it.
I�d probably feel better about not smoking if it weren�t for this flu making me feel like shit.
- Jack of Idiocy |
