Author's Note: You may need a tissue... and then again, maybe you wont.

Dedication: Evie, 'cause she rocks and I'm tired of dedicating stories to Dannie. ;)

Sunday is gloomy
My hours are slumberless

I hear the ring of church bells in the distance. Through the haze of dusk, I can just make out the steeple of the church through the window. How did it get to be Sunday already? I find it hard to believe I've been sitting in the same spot for the entire night. It seems like just yesterday it was Thursday and I was making my way to Chicchetti's for our lunch date.

God, if only I'd known that'd be the last time I'd see your smile. That beautiful heart warming smile. The one you save just for me, where your eyes light up and crinkle in the corners.

The one that makes me smile just because you did.

There's nothing in the world like your smile.

Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless

I love this window seat; there are so many memories with it. Eating breakfast with you here, looking down at the city as it came to life. Making love as a storm waged on the other side of the bay window. Waiting up for you every night during your big project, reading my Steven King novel by candle light. I always jumped a mile when you came home you always loved sneaking up on me.

Everything in this apartment it tied to you.

The candles were an engagement gift from Andie. The fruit bowl has only oranges and apples because I know how you hate bananas. The fireplace is stocked with wood because you always wanted to remember the day you realized you loved me. The wok in the kitchen, I bought for you because I know how much you love stir-fry. The couch was the first piece of furniture we bought together. We've made love on every possible, and even not so possible, surface in the entire apartment.

Everything.

Sunday's used to be your favorite day of the week.

I rest my head against he cold glass. It's nasty outside. Overcast and dark. It fits my mood.

That is... if I knew exactly what mood I'm in.

Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you

I cant express how lost I am right now. I can feel your absence in the world. There's this whole chunk of my heart missing from my chest. There's an icy cold hollowness in the pit of my stomach that grows and grows as the seconds go by and the reality that you're gone sinks in.

I feel tears burn my eyes. I don't know how to live through the next minute without you, let alone the rest of my life.

Where do I go from here? Am I supposed to get up everyday, shower, dress, smile and go to work? How can I do that when before, the only thing that drove me, was that you'd be here when I got home?

What's the point when I have only myself?

And really, I don't even have that anymore. You took my heart with you when you...

What good is a person without a heart?

Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?

If there's such a thing as heaven or hell.... I know you're in heaven. Dancing with the angels perhaps... Who am I kidding, you are an angel.

You always were.

You gave me everything, so entirely selfless.

God probably has you close at his side. His own angel. You were my angel on earth, it's only fitting that you be His in heaven.

Grams always said God brings his favorites home early.

I wish He would have let me a little more time with you. To tell you I loved you one last time. To make love to you one last time. To hug you and kiss you and make you laugh. To cook for you to dance with you to swim and play and tickle you.

I could go on forever thinking of ways to keep you with me a little longer.

God, I love you.

Would you think it's wrong if I asked to join you?

Gloomy Sunday

It's starting to drizzle outside. I still haven't moved. Out of all the places in the house, this window seat is where I feel you the most. I have a painting of you, nearly finished, sitting in the back closet. It's of you sitting here, leaning against a few pillows, looking down at the city. It was going to be my anniversary gift to you.

Now, you'll never see it.

I was so proud of it. I thought I'd captured the essence of you in the painting. When I came home from the hospital that night, the first thing I did was take it out and look at it.

I was so wrong. It wasn't you. I could never capture you in a painting. Or a photo or on film or anything. Words and pictures just don't do you justice. I pored over everything we had in our photo albums. They were just flashes of you... I couldn't find one that was entirely you. All I have are the bits and pieces, the memories, the tears.

...And this hollow ache inside where you're supposed to be.

God, I need you.

Gloomy is Sunday
With shadows I spend it all

Your funeral is tonight. I should probably make some phone calls. Shower. Change my clothes. I know I should eat something.

You always worried when I didn't eat.

I can't bring myself to move though. The cushions here smell like you. No one would blame me for trying to hold on to you as closely as I can.

I'll just sit here. In the quiet. With the shadows that whisper your name.

What do I say to your Mom? Your Dad? Our friends? How can I look them in the eyes and not break down because every time I look at them all I see is you? Everything you meant to them? Everything you still mean to me?

I can't.

I wont.

I'll go with you.

I've always been told the pain gets easier. It's supposed to fade with the memories and I'll one day forget.

But I don't want to forget. I don't want to lose the memories. They're everything I have left of you. I can't just turn away and say, "It was good while it lasted." Not when I loved you so deeply. Not when every caress, every touch, every word is imprinted in my mind forever.

I'll never forget.

I'll go on dying a little more every day without you. There is no moving on after you. Every day there'll be a little more pain. I know it just as I know the sun will rise after the moon.

I just can't imagine that I could possibly feel more pain than I do right now. It's already excruciating.

But I feel it coming.

My heart and I have decided to end it all

Living a life without you is no life.

Everything I've worked for since college has been to build a life for us. There is no us anymore. At least not on this earth. Maybe in another place. A better place.

A place where you are an angel.

Are you waiting for me?

I'm coming, my love.

Soon, there'll be candles and prayers that are said, I know
But let them not weep let them know that I'm glad to go

I wonder if I should leave a note. I always thought they were over dramatic. They'll know why I did it. They all know how much I love him. I have to wonder though, if they know how much I love them. That I'll miss them.

It's decided then. I leave a note. I finally move from my spot on the window seat and grab a piece of paper and pen and start.

Dear Family and Friends,

I love you all, so very much. I just love him more. So much that it's killing me inside to be without him. It hurts to breathe knowing he's gone and I'll never see him or touch him or kiss him.

Please, don't think you could have done something to prevent this. You couldn't.

Don't cry for me, I'm going to be with him. Where there's no sorrow, no pain, no emptiness. I'm going to a better place. Content yourselves with that. I'm going where I can be happy again... nothing here on earth can fix this pain in me. I need to go.

My only regret is that I'm leaving you all behind. I give you my love. The only thing that surpasses my love for all of you is my love for him.

All my love,
Jo

I hope that's okay. I never thought I'd have to write a suicide note.

But then, I never thought I'd have to live without you by my side.

Death is no dream, for in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you

I think the sleeping pills should work. I don't remember if there are any left though. Do you remember them, from when you bruised your ribs and couldn't sleep because of the pain? Ah, here they are.

Only eight left. Is that enough? I frown as I leave the bathroom, the cupboard door still wide open. I guess I'll chase them down with some alcohol. You bought a fresh bottle of rum Monday. I pause momentarily, thinking of that night.

You also brought home roses and my favorite chocolate. "Just because," you said, smiling widely. There will never be another "Just because."

I carry the bottle and pills back to the window seat and settle myself with the afghan your mother gave us over my legs. I've been cold ever since the accident. No matter what I've done I can't get warm.

I dump the pills into my hand. They're huge and powdery white. How did you swallow these? I was never good at swallowing pills.

I wonder how long they'll take.

I pop one in my mouth and unscrew the cap on the rum and take a swallow. One down, seven to go. I look out the window. It's raining now, a slow drizzle, the drops sliding down the window like tears.

The clouds are crying for us.

I take the last seven pills in quick succession, following each with a gulp of rum and a grimace. I never liked booze much. You were the one who always insisted on keeping some in the house. I guess I'll be thanking you soon.

I'm starting to feel a little woozy. I lean my head against the glass and pull the afghan tighter around me. It's so cold here without you.

I keep thinking back to Titanic... do you remember how hard I cried when I watched that movie? You always teased me because you thought I hated seeing Leonardo DiCaprio die.

That wasn't the real reason.

I always cried so hard because of Rose. I cried for Rose. For the strength of her love.

She loved him so much that she kept her promise to him when it would have been so much easier to just lay back and die. To end it all and go with him. She went on living because he asked her to. And she loved him enough to keep her promise to him even after death.

I cried for Rose because she never cried for herself.

The fact that she loved him with all her heart and soul. So completely, enduring life without him... it rocked me to my very core.

A tear falls down my cheek, the first since the accident.

I'm sorry I can't love you that much, Pacey.

Gloomy Sunday

Everything's gone fuzzy; I can barely keep my eyes open. I can't tell if the rain has stopped; everything's a blur of gray.

I feel funny. It's odd... I've got that tingly feeling you get when your leg falls asleep, only it's all over.

I'm nearly dead, I can feel the life draining out of me. They always say suicide victims regret it in their final minutes of life.

I don't.

I'm waiting for you with open arms.

I take a deep breath, my final one... I don't have energy for another.

I exhale slowly and whisper, "I love you."

Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep

With a jolt I'm awake. Panicked I sit up and look around. The angry red glow of our digital clock reads 3:47. I barely notice, because all I see is you. I see the steady rise and fall of your chest.

Life.

You're alive.

Overcome, I feel tears spring to my eyes.

A bad dream.

A nightmare.

That's all.

A horrible, terrifying, make-me-sick-to-my-stomach nightmare.

I move closer to you, and slip and arm over your chest and rest my hand over your heart. I can feel it beat and my own heart swells.

God, I love you.

I snuggle up closer and rest my head on your shoulder. I don't think I'm going to sleep anymore tonight. I'm content just to hold you.

In the deep of my heart here, Darling
I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling me how much I wanted you

"Jo?" You ask, waking in my arms. I think I may have been holding you too tightly.

"Hmmm?" I mumble, burying my face in your shoulder. I try not to let you see how much hearing your voice affects me.

"You okay?" You ask, your warm voice rumbling deep in your throat.

"Yeah," I whisper, "Just a bad dream."

I pray to God you never have a dream like mine. Nothing has ever scared me more.

You shift and curve your arm around me, cradling me close to you. I breathe in your scent and sigh. "Better?" You ask.

I cup your face in my hand, feeling the faint stubble scratch my palm. "Yeah," I try to smile, but I just can't manage it. I run a finger across your lips.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No," I answer softly, laying myself across your broad chest. I need to feel close to you. "Go back to sleep, Pace." I nestle my face into the crook of your neck. "You have to work in the morning."

"No, I don't. It's Sunday." My eyes flicker to the small window in our room. There's no sign of rain, or even a cloud. I can make out a corner of the moon and a multitude of stars twinkling in the ebony sky.

Gloomy Sunday

I squeeze you tightly. "I love you, Pacey." I feel a tear seep out of the corner of my eye.

"I love you, too." You whisper, kissing my forehead. I sigh against your warm skin... and I think, maybe, I'll be able to sleep again.

The End

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