     
by Rinny 
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, oh I wish I did, but I don't. I'm begging Santa for Pacey, and I've been a very good girl this year, so maybe...
Notes: Takes place after Four To Tango. I know it's slow to start, but the next part will be more interesting. You'll have to use your imagination on this one... Joey will actually be poor in this story.
Thanks go out to Brianne who stood by me throughout the writing process and tells me it's good, even though it's really really bad and to Katy, Queen of Insults, for helping me think of mean things for Joey and Pacey to say.
The aroma of ginger bread drifted gently to the sleeping brunette on the fold away bed. She awoke gently breathing in the comforting scent, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She sat up and looked to the kitchen, where her mother stood, pulling out a tray of warm gingerbread cookies from the oven. Joey knew in the back of her mind that it wasn't her mother, but that part of her mind was still fast asleep. Joey felt as though the huge weight that had been tightening around her heart over the last few weeks had been lifted away. The only thought computing in her sleepy mind was that her mother was there.
"Morning, Joey," Bessie said, seeing her little sister finally waking up.
Joey's eyes widened in shock momentarily when she realized that the woman wasn't her mother, just Bessie. She fell back on the bed and curled back into a ball, biting her lip, to keep from sobbing. But it couldn't stop the lonely tear that slid down from her eye to soak into her pillow.
Joey had been awake for a few hours and had been working on some homework that had been assigned over the break. But her concentration was shot. The loud wails of her nephew drew her to his bedroom, she knew Bessie was busy and figured that she could use the break. 'That's the Christmas spirit, right?', she thought bitterly. She lifted the one year old from his crib and cradled him in her arms.
"Hey there Alex," she whispered to the baby, "Can ya calm down for your Aunt?" When he showed no signs of quiting, she begged. "Please, Alex?" The noticed the wetness seeping from his diaper, and smiled. "So that's it, you need a diaper change." Her lips tilted slighty, "Let's see what I can do about that."
She placed him gently on the changing table and reached for a diaper off the shelf. Her fingers didn't graze the package as she expected them too. 'Damn', she thought. "Hey Bess," She yelled in the direction of the kitchen, trying to be heard over Alex's wails. "Where are the diapers?"
She vagly heard Bessie's reply, "What?"
Joey groaned and lifted Alex up and carried him into the kitchen where Bessie was mixing another batch of cookie dough. "Where are the diapers Bess?" She asked again warily.
"Are we out?" She asked not looking up at Joey or Alex.
"No, I'm just asking for the hell of it." She answered with a scowl.
"No need to be snotty Jo, after all it's Christmas." Bessie answered cheerfully.
"As everyone is oh so fond of reminding me." Joey mumbled to herself.
"If we're out we have go back to cloth diapers, we can't afford the disposables any more. I think they're on the top shelf in the closet." Bessie said and went rummaging through the refrigerator for more butter.
Joey walked to the closet carrying a gurgling Alexander, his cries ceasing momentarily. "Thank God for small favors." She mumbled as she opened the closet door with one hand. She tried to reach the diapers, but found she was too short, even on tippy-toes. 'The one time I'm not tall enough.' she thought to herself. She knew she couldn't reach them with Alexander in her arms so she walked back to the living room to put him in his play pen. As soon as his bottom touched the ground he began to wail again.
"Please Alex, be quiet for a minute, just one?" She pleaded, feeling a headache coming on. "I don't think that's too much to ask," She said as she stood and got a stool from the kitchen. She carried it to the short hall and put it in front of the closet just as the phone rang.
"Joey, can you get that, I'm up to my elbows in cookie dough." Bessie yelled over Alex's cries.
"Yeah, sure." She yelled back, and under her breath she uttered, "At least the phone's working this time." Into the phone she said, "Hello?"
"Hey Jo, it's Jen." Joey thought Jen's voice was way to perky for nine o'clock in the morning.
"Hey Jen." Joey said without enthusiasm.
"Listen, I was thinking. . ."
"Oh, did it hurt?" Joey asked sarcastically.
"What?" Jen asked in disbelief. She had thought that she and Joey had made considerable progress in their friendship. Apparently not.
Joey shook her head, "I'm sorry Jen, ...It's been a rough morning... and Alex is..."
Jen frowned, but let it go, "I can hear him. As I was saying, I talked to Dawson and Jack and Dawson's mom is letting him borrow the car, and since there is nothing resembling a mall within a fifty mile radius of Capeside, Jack thought with Andie driving her car we could all go down to Providence for Christmas shopping. You up for it?"
"No, I don't think so." She answered shortly.
"Come on, Jo. It'll be fun, we'll all be there, and what better way to bond than shopping? Besides you'll get all your shopping done at once."
"I can't, Jen."
"Why not? You don't have to worry about all of us seeing what you're buying us. We'll can all split up for awhile. Please Joey."
"I can't Jen. Quit being so persistent."
"Joey none of us have even seen you since school let out. For once all six of us are on speaking terms... somewhat. Would you please come with us?"
Joey's frown turned into a full blown scowl as she teetered on the rickety chair, Alex continued to
bawl and Bessie banged around the pots and pans in the kitchen. Joey sighed and made a low growl in the back of her throat. She quickly got off the chair and locked herself in the bathroom where she could talk to Jen in peace.
"Look, Jen. Thanks for the invite." She said rather coldly it seemed to Jen's ears, "But being stuck in a car for two hours, rushing through a crowded mall filled with cranky people, dragging cranky and crying children behind them, fighting over Furbys and Pokemons, watching Pacey and Andie try to avoid each other, listen to Dawson begging us to drop everything to go see the latest Speilburg, and find suitable presents for everyone with a budget of $20 on the day before Christmas Eve is not my thing right now. So count me out!" She promptly hung up on her friend.
She remained standing in front of the mirror, looking at herself. Critically, she analyzed what she saw. A too tall, too thin girl, with a permanent scowl, bags under her eyes and too pale skin was all she saw. She noticed that she'd lost weight, her skin looked shallow. Her eyes dull. She sighed heavily and walked back into the hall to take care of Alex.
She regretted how cold she had been to Jen, things between them were better before her whole affair with Pacey. Joey still felt that Jen had somehow pushed him into it, even after Dawson explained how loneliness had played a huge part in it. Pacey wasn't like that... was he? Maybe she had underestimated how much Andie had hurt him?
Joey pushed the thoughts away, she didn't want to analyze what had happened between the three of them that night. She already had a hundred times since and had come up with nothing. No reason for why she reacted the way she had, no real reason for why she was suddenly treating Jen the way she when she'd moved to Capeside a year ago, no real reason why Pacey and Jen had decided to have that kind of a relationship, no real reason for why she even cared.
Alex was smiling when Joey carried him back into the kitchen. She sethim in his highchair and got ready to feed him. As she spooned the mashed carrots and tried to get her nephew to eat them, she watched her sister rummage through the cupboards for more ginger.
"Bess, why do you bother?" Joey asked her sister with a frown. "I mean is it really worth it?"
Bessie turned around to face her younger sister. She knew this time of year was specifically hard on her sister, but it had never been this bad before. Joey looked downright unhealthy. Her skin had lost it's color, her hair was limp, her eyes were no longer vibrant, she was thinner than Bessie had ever seen her. It made her worry.
"Because, Jo," Bessie began quietly, "It's all we have to give. I have enough money, to pay the bills, buy food, and buy you and Alex some things. You know that money's tight."
"You don't need to remind me Bess. I know." Joey whispered with vehemenance.
Bessie went on as if she hadn't heard her sister, "I figured we can give cookies away for presents. You know, in the name of Christmas Spirit. We have to have something to give."
"Right, Bess." Joey nodded numbly. It wasn't enough that they were celebrating, if you could call it that, another Christmas alone, but they had no money. Christmas dinner was likely to be macaroni and cheese.
"Who was on the phone?" Bessie asked turning back to her work.
"Just Jen, she wanted me to go shopping with her, Andie and the guys."
"Why didn't you go?" Bessie asked, concern in her voice. Had something happened between the group that caused this depression in her younger sister?
"News flash, Bessie, I have next to no money."
"Still, you could have gone and hung out with your friends while they shopped." Bessie suggested, trying to weasele the information out of her sister.
Joey didn't want to tell her sister that watching her friends spend their money on dozens of presents for each other and their families, when she had nothing, just wasn't something she could handle doing. She knew money wasn't everything... but sometimes it sure feels like it.
"No Bess, I would have just gotten in the way." She lied, lifting a spoonful of mashed bananas to Alex's mouth.
"Joey, are you and you're friends not getting along?" Bessie asked flat out. She prayed that something hadn't happened between them. Bessie was thankful for the gift of friendship Joey had been given. She knew that after their mom's death and their father's absence, she wasn't enough. And Bessie had always thought that Dawson and Pacey's friendships filled part of the void they left behind, and now with Andie, Jack and Jen in the picture, Bessie thought Joey was finally beginning to heal. There was a strong bond between the six.
Joey contemplated telling her sister about Eve, Andie and Rob's relationship, Andie's infidelity, Jen and Pacey's relationship, everything that had happened in the past few months, but stopped herself. They were all still the close friends, none of that had done permanent damage. Whatever had brought them all together at Thanksgiving had kept them together through to Christmas.
Bessie deserved the truth, however inconsequential it was. "Bessie, it's just that..." She struggled with how to put her feelings regarding her friends into words. "Bess, did you ever have this kind of friendship?"
"No, Jo, I was never that lucky." Bessie answered, "but at the same time, I was never that cursed either." Joey looked up at Bessie's last statement. "As dense as you think I am, Joey, I know the six of you have had a lot of inner conflict, been through a lot. I'm surprised you're all still as close as you were. That says a lot about you and you and your friends."
"Exactly Bess, I... There's so much I need to thank them for... I want to show them all how much they mean to me... and I can't get them the things they deserve." Bessie opened her mouth to reprimand her, but Joey continued before she could start. "I know Christmas isn't about presents, it's about giving and family and friends... but look at us, the only family we have is each other and Alex, we have nothing to give but cookies and the only friends I have mean more to me than I can show."
Bessie didn't know what to say, "I'm sorry, Joey."
"Don't be, it's not your fault mom got cancer and it's not your fault Dad's back in prison. That's just the way it is." Joey put on strained smile for her sister's sake and rose from her seat to get a washcloth to clean up Alex. "It's no one's fault."
"Ugh... damn tree," Joey mumbled as she tried to pull the fake tree from the attic at noon that day. The attic was really more of a cubby in the ceiling then a real attic in the house. Bessie had taken Alex to a play group and then to do some shopping, leaving her to set up the tree. She wasn't sure why she bothered, it wasn't like there was going to be much to put under it, or that it would put her in the Christmas spirit.
A knock on the door distracted her, and she left the tree hanging halfway through the ceiling and opened the door. "Jingle Bells, jingle bells," Pacey's grinning face met her at the door. Joey scowled back at him, "Jingle all the way, Oh wha-" and promptly slammed the door and leaned against it. She couldn't help the smile that tugged on her lips, she knew he wouldn't give up. Tenacity was one of his strong points.
"Perhaps another song would be more to your liking?" He yelled through the door. "Deck the Halls with boughs of holly," He bellowed, "Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, 'Tis the season to be jolly, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la." Joey kicked the door hard with the heel of her shoe.
"No? How about an old childhood classic? 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," He sang, "Had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you could even say it glows."
She smiled and let him continue, "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names; they never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say: "Rudolph with your nose so bright, Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" Then how the reindeer loved him as they shouted out with glee, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, You'll go down in history."
Joey opened the door for him, he stood there his arms open wide, grinning as he sang the last line. She stepped aside to let him in. "'bout time Josephine. The only think colder than the temperature outside is you," he teased.
"I couldn't stand listening to that hideous voice anymore, I had to let you in. God only knows how long you would have stood out there singing like an idiot."
"Glad to see you're full of Christmas spirit, Jo." Pacey said removing his coat and scarf.
"Before you make yourself to comfortable what are you doing here?" She asked him, as he took one of Bessie's Gingerbread men and bit the leg off. "Aren't you supposed to be shopping with everyone?"
"Well, Jen informed me you were playing the Grinch this Christmas, so I thought I might come over and teach you the meaning of Christmas." He grinned his Pacey grin.
"Nice try, Pace. But I really don't think there's much spirit left in me." She said quietly, turning from him and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
Pacey didn't know quite what to say to that. He had expected her to joke around with him. Not get so melancholy. She didn't give him much time to reply, "If you're planning on sticking around, do you mind giving me a hand with the tree?" She asked pointing to the plastic tree sticking out of the ceiling.
"You're using a fake tree?" He asked in disbelief.
Joey nodded, "It's cheaper than buying a new tree every year."
Pacey walked to the stool Joey had been using to reach the attic cubby. He stood on it and began shoving the tree back in. "We're going to get you a real tree, Josephine."
"Damn it Pacey, I don't want a real tree! I just want to get this over and done with!"
"Well, hum bug, Ms. Scrooge, you're getting a real tree."
"Oh yeah, where from?" she questioned.
"You're very own back yard." He announced putting his coat back on.
"Oh no, we're not! Bessie would kill me for bring a bug infested tree into the house. Think again, Doofus the Braindead reindeer."
"Get you're coat, then we'll go buy one, oh Violent One."
"No, we won't Pacey." She said with slow determination and stood her ground.
"Why the hell not, Jo?" Pacey wrinkled his brow and whined. "Are you always this difficult or is it an honor you reserve just for me?"
"Just for you." She frowned.
Pacey grabbed her coat and put it around her shoulders. He grabbed the spare key and pulled her out the door. She resisted the entire time. He locked the door behind him. "God, Pacey, why are you doing this?" She whined and let him drag her to his truck. He had the talent of making her do what she least wanted to.
He didn't answer her right away, but instead remained silent. Thinking over his reasons. None were ones he felt comfortable sharing with her, at least not yet. "You don't want to know Joey." He mumbled pulling out of her drive.
"Wait a second, you're kidnapping me the day before Christmas Eve and you're not going to tell me why? Well, that's fair." She said sarcastically.
"All will be revealed in due time, Ice Queen." He turned the radio on loud enough to keep her from trying to talk over it, and let the Christmas music resound through the truck. They pulled into the First Church of the Nazerene parking lot where they were selling trees.
"Come on, Princess, let's get you a tree." Joey groaned and refused to get out of the car. Pacey finally went to her side of the truck and pulled her out.
They walked around looking at the trees, until their noses and ears were pink. "Well, which one, Joey? It's time to decide, we need to get back to your house and make some hot cocoa to warm the extremities."
"None of them, Pacey." Joey whispered and turned away.
"Come on, Jo. It's cold, my feet, fingers, nose and ears are numb." She shook her head and wouldn't meet his eyes. She felt stupid for not telling him earlier. "Just choose one so we can go." He whined.
"I can't."
"Why the heck not!" He said exasperated.
"Because I don't have any money." She finally got out.
"You forgot your wallet? I'll pay for it and you can pay me back when we get home." He said pulling out his wallet. Joey put her hand on top of his to stop him.
"No, I don't have any money, Pacey. We can't get a real tree." She turned away and went back to the truck, not waiting for him. He followed behind a few minutes later. He started the car and they headed back towards the creek. Joey stared out the window, sheepish.
Pacey made a left hand turn about eight blocks from her house. She finally turned to face him. "Where are we going?"
He looked over at her and gave her a tender smile. He pulled up to his house. "Come on, Joey." She followed him mutely. The entered the house, Pacey headed straight up the stairs. Joey followed behind slower, she could see, Mrs. Witter and Janice, Pacey's youngest sister cooking in the kitchen, and Mr. Witter sitting watching TV in the living room. Neither of them paid attention to either Pacey or her. As far as she could see there was no Christmas tree or decorations anywhere in their house. She realized she was staring and hurried upstairs after him.
She followed him into what she presumed to be his room. It was small and cramped, his bed was in the center, clothes, books, and papers were strewn everywhere. But one corner next to the mirror was cleared away, there stood a four foot Christmas tree, decorated, complete with well wrapped presents surrounding it.
Joey wasn't sure exactly what to say, she looked at him questioningly as he took off his jacket and threw it across the bed. He left and came back with a small cardboard box. Joey still stood just inside the room, a perplexed look on her face.
"Get a move on, Jo." He began to take off the few ornaments that were on the tree and put them in the small box. Joey took off her coat and hat and knelt next to him and started to remove the tinsel. They worked in silence for a few moments, until all but the lights remained on the tree, until curiosity got the best of Joey.
"Why are you doing this, Pacey?"
"The best part of Christmas is decorating the tree." He answered as if it was obvious.
"Not that, you know what I'm talking about."
He shrugged, "I told you we were going to get you a tree. Besides, this will look much better in your house than it does in my room."
She nodded, he didn't seem to be very forthcoming with information at the moment. She decided the questions could wait until later.
They arrived back at Joey's house with the tree in the bed of the truck. Joey was surprised that neither Mr. or Mrs. Witter had even noticed their son coming or going, let alone carrying a tree from the house. Just another thing she wanted to ask him about.
She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. The porch light shone on his face from where he pulled up. Ever since Dawson came back from Philadelphia Joey had come to see Pacey as her friend, instead of just Dawson's other best friend. Every day she learned something new about him, he continued to surprise her with his compassion, humor, kindness, intelligence and heart.
It wasn't until that moment that she realized something had changed between them. Something irrevocable. Something she couldn't define. But something that made all the sense in the world.
Pacey looked at her as he shifted the truck into park. "What?" He asked, seeing her wide-eyed gaze.
She turned to him and smiled, her first genuine smile since school had let out a week ago. "Nothing." She said, biting her lip and climbing out of the truck. It had begun to snow again as they had driven home, adding to the three or four inches already present. She half jogged half ran back to the porch to unlock the door for him. Bessie and Alex were still gone.
"You're going to leave me here do bring this in all by myself?" Joey nodded as she let herself into the house. "That's the thanks I get?" He yelled after her with a smile, walking to the back of the truck to open the hatch.
"What, you're not manly enough?" Joey asked reappearing on the porch and walked back to the truck to help him.
"What? Of course I am!"
"Yep, that's what I thought, not a drop of modesty in you." She shot him her half smile, half smirk and grabbed onto the top half of the tree. After a few try's they were able to get a good grip on it and get it inside.
"How do you want to decorate it?" Joey asked once they had gotten it set up in the corner by the door.
"It's up to you, your house."
"Your tree." She countered.
"What kind of decorations do you have?"
"Every kind imaginable. Bess and mom kept all the old ones. They're up in the attic somewhere. You wanna grab them?"
"Yeah, if you put some music in."
Joey walked over to the small cd player. "What for?"
"A trew artissst cannot vork vithout zee musac," he said attempting to imitate a French accent, it came out sounding like a mix between German and French.
Joey laughed a little to herself. This holiday was definitely less dismal with him around. She searched through the few CD's they owned until she found a Christmas one and put it in.
The first few notes of Silent Night sang through the house when Pacey called for her. "Hey Joey, come 'ere." He stood on the stool holding a medium sized box, water dripping from the corner.
"Oh no." She took the box from him, it was soaked through. "How's the second box?" She asked. Pacey rifled through and pulled out the second one... in the same condition. "Damn it." She moaned taking it from him so he could climb down.
"It's not that bad, Jo." he said gently putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Yes, it is that bad Pacey. You went to all that trouble to bring me a tree. Now we have the tree... but nothing to put on it. God, if Mom were here, she'd have everything in perfect order, there'd be a huge tree," Her voice began to waver, "w-with tons of presents under it, she'd be planning this perfect dinner, it-" Joey got choked up and couldn't go on.
"Oh, Jo." Pacey whispered and wrapped his arms around her. He expected her to resist, at least at first, but she welcomed him, and buried her face into neck. He could feel her hot tears run down his neck and soak into the collar of his shirt. She started to tremble as her tears turned to sobs. Pacey's heart ached for the little girl that never let go of her mother, that held on to the memory. He yearned to take all of Joey's pain away, to make the tears stop, to shelter her from the world. But he knew, no matter how much he wanted to help, he could never get into her heart unless she asked him to.
Her tears didn't stop after a few minutes, they only got worse. After about five minutes it got so she was shaking so badly that she couldn't stand on her own and Pacey had to support her. When she began to have trouble breathing he began to worry.
"Come on, Joey." He begged in a whisper, "You have to calm down. You'll make yourself sick." He remembered once his older sister crying hysterically after she and her boyfriend broke up, she had gotten physically sick from it. "Please Jo... for me, please stop crying." He walked her to the couch never letting her go. He sat down and let her settle against him. He gently rubbed her back and smoothed out her hair, whispering soothing words to her the entire time.
Finally she managed to stop sobbing, but she didn't let go of him. She still tightly gripped his sweatshirt and left her head resting on his chest. She didn't know how to face him after this. It had been bad enough crying in front of him after Dawson had turned her down, but this was over the top. She kept her head tilted down so she wouldn't half to look him in the eyes. She was embarrassed beyond belief, but she couldn't seem to tear herself from his embrace. It was all to comforting.
Pacey, sensing her inner conflict, tilted her chin up so he could see her face clearly. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, her cheeks were wet, her nose was running and her face was flushed, but to him, the trust in her eyes made her all the more beautiful.
Reluctantly, Joey met his gaze, searching for any hint of malice, knowing there'd be none. She was satisfied immediately when she saw the blatant sorrow in his green eyes. In those few seconds an infinite and surreal understanding passed between them. Pacey broke their stare by kissing her gently on the forehead. She squeezed him once more before getting up and walking to the bathroom.
The reflection in the mirror wasn't the same one from that morning. For the first time in weeks, the dark cloud that had been hanging over her head was gone. She found she could breath easier, smile easier even thinking clearer. She splashed some cold water on her face and brushed her hair, pulling in back into a ponytail. She took a deep breath before exiting the bathroom.
"Ya know, Joey," Pacey said from his spot on the floor next to one of the boxes, "we may be able to salvage some of this stuff." He said pulling out a rope of lights.
"Great, um... I'll just go make us some hot chocolate and we can sort through those." She headed for the kitchen.
"Don't forget the marshmallows." He called after her.
"How could I forget?" She smiled to herself. There was some residual nervousness left in the pit of her stomach. It wasn't every day that she burst into tears in front of Pacey. But she'd get over it soon enough.
Pacey pulled out a home-made angel from the box. The wings were covered in silver glitter, and the dress was made of white cloth with sequins across the hem, the halo was made from gold pipe cleaner, and the doll itself was a blond Barbie. "Joey, look." He said holding it out to her.
Joey and Pacey were sitting on the floor, he leaning up against the couch the two boxes between them. Lights and soggy decorations were spread around them. She looked up and in seeing the angel she smiled, taking it from him, smoothing out her hair. "I remember when we made this... Dawson thought we were nuts trying to turn a Barbie into a Christmas Angel... but we did. Mom taught you to sew that day." She lifted her gaze to him, a nostalgic smile across her face.
"You miss her." He stated with compassion in his eyes. He knew there was something he should say, something to make her feel better, but for the life of him, he didn't know what it was. He knew it was a delicate subject for her, and the last thing he wanted was for her to start crying again.
"It's more than... I can't... it's just...," she struggled to convey her emotions to Pacey. "It's hard to explain," she said with a slight frown. He nodded silently, willing her to go on. She looked down at the angel in her hands. "This last year without her has been tumultuous, to say the least. I mean, you know that. My on again off again relationship with Dawson, Jack coming out, Abby dying, Andie losing it, Dad coming home, then going back to prison, the Ice House burning down, the PSAT's, Rob, Andie cheating on you, this growing... thing between us," She paused then rushed on, not wanting him to comment, "It's all stuff I wish I could have shared with her. Stuff I need her to be here for... and she's not.
"In short... I m-miss my mom. And this year I needed her so much. To talk to, to get advice, to laugh with, sing with, cook with, to share a joke with and... just be with. There were times when I was desperate to talk to someone about my troubles and there was no one who I wanted to talk to except her.
"Now, with Christmas, after a year like this one, I feel her loss more acutely." She finished lifting her shining eyes to meet his. He nodded, which seemed to put her somewhat at ease.
Pacey took the angel from Joey's hands. "You know, this isn't too damaged. We could put it at the top." The smiled at each other and began to rifle through the boxes again.
Pacey had a million things he wanted to say to her at that moment, the vulnerability reflecting in her eyes, but nothing he could think of seemed to fit. He struggled to find the right words to put her at ease. "Joey, I know that wherever she is, she's looking down on you, and she's proud. She sees what I do, a smart, kind, caring, and all out gorgeous girl who's miserable on Christmas. She doesn't want that for you Joey."
"We don't exactly have much here do we?" Joey motioned to the small pile of usable decorations. There was some silver and gold tinsel that had been in a plastic bag, a few red aluminum balls, a small box of decorations that Dawson, Pacey and Joey had made when they were nine.
"It'll make a beautiful tree." He answered, helping Joey to her feet.
Joey thought back to what he had said. "Christmas is about family, Pacey... and I have none. Mom's dead, Dad's in prison, remember?"
"You have more of a family than that. We both do." Joey's brow furrowed and she shot him a questioning look as they carried the two boxes of useless decorations to the back porch to be trashed later. Seeing her confused look he continued.
"I may have a family by your standards, a mom, dad, brother and sisters. But they're just the people I live with, we share a few genes, and that's it." Joey nodded, thinking back to earlier when they had gone to his house. 'Just the people he lives with,' she thought. 'It's a fitting description.'
"Look at it come down." Joey said in awe, the snow had begun to really pile up, at least eight more inches in the last hour. The clouds looked ominously dark. Pacey nodded and they retreated back into the warmth of the house.
"A family is made of people who stand by one another, share hopes, dreams and ideas, provide understanding and support through the good times and the bad. We have that in Jack, Andie, Jen, and Dawson... and each other. We're a family all on our own."
Joey watched him as he pulled the tinsel from the package, things fell into place. She had wondered over the years why Pacey had always done Christmas stuff, decorating the tree, opening packages, watching Christmas movies at her or Dawson's houses. Why he was always so full of Christmas Spirit every year. He had known all along something that Joey was just now discovering.
"So smile, Jo. Christmas is for families... we just happen to be part of a very... unique one." He said, handing her one end of the tinsel. Joey smiled at him, he was right, they were a family of sorts. None of them, except for maybe Dawson, had any kind of parental presence in their lives.
They worked on in silence, occasionally singing along to the music. It wasn't long before curiosity got the better of Joey. "Pace, since we seem to be having another one of those bonding moments, that are occurring more and more often between us, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
He had two guesses at to what was coming, "Why doesn't your family celebrate Christmas?"
Pacey had been expecting the question, but he still didn't know how to answer. "Truthfully, Joey. I have no idea. For as long as I can remember it's always been that way. The few times I tried to ask my parents they just brushed it off. Even Doug and the girls wont tell me. My best guess has been that something bad happened when I was to young to remember and my father's ignored Christmas ever since."
"And that's okay with you?"
"Yeah, I celebrate Christmas with you guys, I don't need them."
"Pacey, you need your family." She told him, the skepticism at his words showing on her face.
"No, Joey, I need a family. And I have one. Not to say that I don't regret how my family interacts... or doesn't interact. I do, I wish I had parents like Mr. and Mrs. Leery. But I don't. I've excepted that. And I'm beyond thankful for what I do have."
Joey hung a little reindeer from the tree and let her hands fall to her sides, "Then why are you here with me, instead of out shopping with them?"
"Uh..." This was one question he wasn't quite prepared for. The truth was he hadn't wanted to spend the day with Andie, Jen and Joey all at once. The girl he used to love, the girl he lusted for, and the girl he did love. It would have been a bit much for an entire day.
Joey could tell he was slightly flustered and sensed a story behind it, "Come on, Pacey, out with it." She prodded.
"Well- I..." he wasn't sure how to begin, "wait, why didn't you go? Jen told me you were being grumpy, but not the reason you weren't going."
"I didn't give her one."
"'Kay, out with it, Potter." Pacey demanded.
"I already told you, I don't have any money," she said quickly, hoping that would satisfy him.
"You still could have gone, hung out, window shopped..."
"For what purpose? To wish for things I can never have? Watch you guys spend money on Christmas presents I could never give you?"
"It's the thought that counts, we don't care what you give us."
"You don't get it Pacey," She said, her voice wavering, "Bodie stopped sending monthly checks, I lost my job remember? We're living off Welfare right now. And if the B & B doesn't take off, we may lose the house. I have no money.
"I realize how lucky I am to have friends like you guys, I love you. Bu-"
"Even me?" Pacey interrupted in a teasing tone, trying to lighten the mood for her.
"Even you, Jailbait." She said with a tender smile, "but you guys deserve more than I can give. You deserve new CD's, movies, video games... the things I can't afford to give."
"Joey,once more, we won't care what you get us. It's the thought that counts."
"Don't you think I know that? I know none of you are that superficial. It's not that you guys want the things I can't afford, it's that I can't afford the things I want to give you." Pacey nodded, he was beginning to understand.
"And it bothers you that we can afford those things?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"Not so much that it bothers me, you deserve them... I just get..." Joey placed the last decoration on the tree.
"Jealous?" He supplied. Stepping back to admire their work. Joey nodded. And went to stand next to him. "If I may say so, that's one beautiful tree."
The tree had turned out just how Pacey had said. The tinsel hanging from the branches caught the light and glittered. They had decided to leave out the store bought decorations and just used the handmade ones that had survived. It made for a very original and personal tree. "It does look good doesn't it?"
"It just needs the crowning touch." He arched his eyebrow to the Barbie Angel on the table. Joey picked it up and positioned her arms and legs, smoothed out her hair.
"You do the honors, Pacey." Joey told him, handing the doll to him.
"Wait, no... it's your tree."
"No, Pace, it's your tree. And besides without you, I never would have gotten this far. The fake tree would still be hanging from the ceiling and I, most likely, would be laying in bed crying." She grinned at him, "You deserve it, It was no easy feat to pull me out of my holiday doldrums."
Pacey smiled back, glad he had accomplished something. And he had never been able to resist that smile. He placed the angel on the tree.
"Come on, it's time for more hot chocolate." She said pulling him into the kitchen. Joey poured what was left in the teapot into their two cup, adding a drop of mint extract to each.
"Mint?" Pacey asked doubtfully.
"It's good, try it. Bessie's own secret ingredient." She watched as he took a big gulp. And almost spit it out. He forced himself to swallow it, tears coming to his eyes.
"You could have warned me that it was scalding!"
Joey smiled, merriment dancing in her eyes. "Don't be such a glutton," She went to the freezer and dropped an ice cube into his glass and one into her own. He shot her a mock glare, to which she smiled sweetly. "Uh oh," she said looking out the window. It had been snowing heavily for hours, and it showed, it was at least two feet high, and drifts had accumulated against trees, chairs and Pacey's truck. The snow showed no signs of letting up. "I hope Bessie gets home soon." Joey glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, "She's been gone since ten." Worry creased her brow.
Pacey glanced up at the clock. "I should go soon if I want to make it home."
"Uh uh, no way. I'm not going to let you go out in that. You'll kill yourself."
"Thanks for your confidence in me," he said sarcastically.
"Pacey, you're a bad driver. That in combination with icy roads and the holiday drivers... I wouldn't want you to ruin that wonderful truck of yours." She ended with a small teasing smile.
"Oh, it's so nice to know you care." He teased back, putting an arm around her shoulders, leading them back to the living room. They settled into the couch with their cups. "Joey," Pacey picked up the serious tone of their previous conversation. "I know how you feel," He stopped himself. "I know how you must feel, and I understand where you're coming from... at least I do now. I doubt most of us really think about that part of your life much. And I'm sorry."
"Pacey, don't be. You've made me feel better, you reminded me what Christmas is all about. Thank you."
"Awww, shucks, Miss Josephine, it was nuttin'," He said with a southern accent.
Joey took a sip of her hot chocolate. "So, Pacey, you never really told me why you didn't go shopping."
Pacey contemplated lying to her, it would have been easy to say that his father hadn't let him go. But something about her, and the day they'd spent together... she deserved the truth. How to start though... that was the difficult part. He knew he had to handle it with care.
"Pace?" Joey asked noticing his pause. She looked up into his eyes.
"Well, you know how Andie and I are on sort-of speaking terms?" Joey looked away at the mention of Andie, she nodded. "We haven't actually spoken since the whole thing with Jen. And she's bound to have heard about it by now. Spending the day with my ex-girlfriend, my ex-" he paused trying to find a label for what Jen had been to him.
"Whore?" Joey supplied bitterly.
"Actually, I was leaning more towards distraction." He looked questioningly at her. "What is it about her that's put you on edge all of a sudden, Joey? You're treating her the way you did when you had a crush on Dawson. I thought you guys were friends now?"
Joey looked up in surprise, that couldn't be it, could it? "No, it's nothing like that. We are friends. I'm not entirely sure what it is."
"When did it start?"
Joey's face reddened slightly, but she knew she couldn't lie to him. "About the time I found out the two of you were planning on sleeping together." She watched his face for his reaction. He looked slightly surprised and his eyes urged her on. "You know I didn't like the idea, you were both going to get hurt by it. And I didn't want that for either of you."
"But Jo, Jen and I called that off weeks ago."
She paused to mull over her next words. "You know," she began. "The reason I hated her so much in the beginning was because I felt she was stealing Dawson from me. And in a way she was. Before, I had been the only girl in his life except for him mother. And then all of a sudden in walks Miss Teen New York, and I was replaced."
"But Joey, you won, you got they guy." Pacey reminded her.
"That's exactly what she said to me when I began to date Jack. I was still bitchy to her. And she and I talked it out... sort of. I explained that I get defensive when I feel like my territory is being invaded. And at the time, that was what she was doing, or at least it felt like it. She was producing Dawson's movie, helping Gail with her news piece..."
"You said you talked through it. So what is it now?" Pacey asked, beginning to see where this might be leading.
"Would you quit interrupting." She reprimanded her friend. "Then there was Jack. He was my boyfriend, I was the one closest to him, I was his confidante. Then all of a sudden, they're moving in together." Pacey nodded, knowing better than to open his mouth this time. "And here she is doing it again." She stopped to take a drink from her mug. Pacey sat their waiting anxiously for her to continue. "Pacey, I'm sure you've noticed that we've actually become friends this year," he smiled and nodded.
"Remarkable isn't it?"
"Pacey! This is hard enough to get out without you interrupting. Is it impossible for you to keep that big mouth of yours closed for more than five minutes?" She asked frustrated. Pacey made the motion of zipping his lips closed. Joey couldn't help but smile.
"Okay, so we're friends now. We can hold actual conversations without insulting one another. I was beginning to enjoy having that with you. And Jen just... swooped in and took you away, before I could even begin to think of you in that way." She finished.
"That way, huh? And what kind of way would that way be?" Pacey asked just to needle her.
"Damn it, Pacey. You know what way I mean." She said scowling at him.
"You know I hate it when you do that," he said referring to her frown. "A romantic way?" he answered her own question. She nodded and stared into her almost empty mug hot chocolate. "Hmmm," He paused to let her squirm a bit. "Joey," he said, directing her eyes to his. "What Jen and I did, almost did," he corrected himself, "It wasn't about love or even lust. We were both hurting, she had just broken Henry's heart, Andie had just broken mine. We did it for companionship, to just be with someone without all the complicated emotions."
"I think emotions got complicated anyway." Joey whispered just loud enough for him to hear.
"We realized that, the night you and Dawson found us. We never really stopped to think about how it might affect everyone else, Andie... you. Or even me and her. The reason we never went through with it was because we cared to much for each other, as friends. Romance was never a part of it." She nodded. "Did any of that make you feel better?"
"Yeah, it did." She smiled a thank you at him. "It still doesn't change the fact that she got to you first." She took a final sip of her now cold hot chocolate.
"Miss Josephine, does that comment indicate that you have thought of me in that way?" He grinned.
"Maybe," she said coyly, "what's it to ya? Hey, you never did finish explaining why you didn't go shopping. It sounded like being with Jen and Andie at the same time wasn't all there was to it."
Pacey groaned, he thought he'd dodged that bullet. He decided it was fairly safe now, in light of their earlier conversation. "... And there was you. In our blossoming friendship, you may have not gotten the time to think of me in that way. But I have." Joey's eyes widened, "Don't look so surprised Joey, I realized it, well Jen realized it for me, the night she and I called it off. She saw the same things that damn dance teacher did. The way I overreacted to Dawson tipped her off." He stopped and contemplated bringing up the other thing Jen had said. He decided why the hell not. This seemed to be a day of honesty. "Jen also said one other thing regarding the two of us."
"And what was that?"
"That you overreacted too. When you saw us together. She said that there was something between us." He said it almost as a question, inviting her to clarify.
"I did overreact," she replied. "I think I covered the whys when I explained my dislike for Jen." Pacey nodded excepting that answer. "So that was why you didn't go? The combination of you ex-girlfriend, ex-distraction, and..." she paused, trying to come up with a label for herself, "...me, was to much to handle in light of the events of the last month or so?"
"Yep, and if you add Dawson in to the mix, that completes it."
"Dawson's always going to be a factor between us isn't he?" She asked hoping Pacey would deny it.
"He always has been, hasn't he?" He asked her rhetorically.
"So, hypothetically, even if we wanted to be together, Dawson would get in the way?"
"No, not necessarily. If, hypothetically, we wanted to get together, he would pose some problems, as would Andie, they'd feel betrayed, hurt, misled, jealous. I mean, who wouldn't after losing two such wonderful catches as ourselves?" he teased trying to lighten the mood.
A horn blew outside the house, Joey stood to look out the window. "Oh thank God, it's Bessie. They made it back safe." Pacey rose and grabbed their coats. He helped her into hers before putting his own on. They went out through the two and a half feet of snow to meet Bessie at the car.
"Oh thank goodness, Pacey. Could you give me a hand? There are a ton of groceries in the backseat." Bessie said handing a bag to Joey and taking Alex from the carseat. "And you thought we weren't going to have a white Christmas." Bessie directed to Joey.
Joey just smiled good naturedly, Bessie was glad to see her sister in a better mood. And she would have bet anything the tall brunette had more than a little something to do with that. Bessie watched them joke around as she retreated to the warmth of the house with her son.
Pacey and Joey carried in all the groceries in three trips. Joey went back outside to see if there were any left. She was met by the sight of Pacey with a snow ball in his hands.
"Oh no, stay away, Pacey." She warned as he slowly advanced, "Try it and I'll roast your chestnuts over an open fire." She backed away.
"Light the kindling then," he said with a smile just before throwing it.
Joey dodged to the side, and it missed her by a foot. "You throw like a girl, Pacey!" she teased before collecting her own snow ball. She tried to run closer to him, but the depth of the snow made it difficult, so she settled for staying where she was and threw it with all he might. It hit him smack in the chest. "Ha!" she laughed at him.
Pacey got another snowball and threw it at her, missing again. He ducked behind the car and prepared an arsenal as she taunted his throwing arm. "I'm just getting warmed up, Potter!" he yelled to her, still hiding behind the car. After he'd made a good ten or so snowballs, he looked up from behind the car, to see where his target was.
Joey had snuck up to the side of the car and had been watching him. As soon as he'd started to look for her she sprang up and threw a snowball and hit him right in the ear. She took off again her laughter music to Pacey and Bessie's ears. Bessie stood on the porch in her jacket watching the two sixteen year olds play in the snow. She couldn't help smiling, she ducked back into the house as Pacey tried to chase Joey through the two and a half feet of snow. It was comical, they were only able to move a few inches at a time.
Slowly, very very slowly, Pacey began to gain on her. "Dodge this, Jo!" he cried as he tackled her to the ground. The snow had cushioned their fall and both were laughing happily. They stayed tangled together like that, enjoying the closeness, until the cold finally began to seep through the layers of their clothes.
"I'm getting soaked here, Pace. We'd better get in." He nodded, rising off of her and helping her up. It took them a good five minutes to wade through the snow, which had finally stopped falling. They stripped off their coats and shoes leaving them on the porch to bring in later. They entered the house and promptly began dripping on the floor.
"Hey Bess." Joey stood in the doorway of the kitchen where her sister was unloading groceries, "Where did you store Bodie's winter clothes, I think Pacey here," she hit him gently in the chest when she felt him come to stand behind her, "could use some dry clothes, since he managed to get himself soaking wet."
"No, that would have been you who got me soaking wet, Jo."
"Hmmm, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you throw the first snowball?"
"Yeah, but I missed, you're the one who made the first hit."
"What? Was I supposed to stand there and let you throw projectiles at me until you learned how to aim correctly?"
"Hey, it's not my fault I'm such an easy target."
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