F*R*I*E*N*D*S
1/1
Dannie and Rinny
Author's Note: Nothing after Show Me Love took place. Pacey never sailed off down to the Keys. Pacey and Dawson did not reconcile. Pacey and Joey are not together, they've been fighting their feelings for each other ever since they broke up and are now friends.... BARELY.
Joey lounged across the couch. Her lithe body occupied every inch and her silky brown hair flowed over the armrest. Her knees were propped up and a bowl of popcorn rested on her stomach. She laughed at something funny Phoebe had said on the television. "I just love this show," she remarked watching the screen intently.
"I never pictured you as a Friends fan," Pacey commented from his seat on the floor, his back rested on the couch and he reached behind his head for the bowl of popcorn. "I figured it'd be too superficial for your tastes." He shoveled the handful of popcorn into his mouth. "I, on the other hand, can truly appreciate the love Joey and Chandler have for Baywatch."
"Pig," Joey said in response to his comment and eating habits.
Fox was airing a Friends marathon that Saturday afternoon. They had planned to have a work session on their English project, but after an hour, Pacey had been begging for a study break. A quick fifteen-minute TV break had led to an hour of Phoebe cleansing Ross's aura and Monica surreptitiously cleaning the apartment. Pacey reached back for more popcorn. "Like you didn't ogle Joey when he went shirtless," he countered.
Joey shrugged and chewed on some popcorn thoughtfully. "I'm more of a Chandler fan myself."
"Chandler, really, why?" He screwed up his face in puzzlement. "He's so... so..." he trailed off.
"Adorable," Joey finished. "And funny. You have to love a guy with a sense of humor. He's the loveable dork."
"Well, yeah, but I would have pictured you as more of a Ross fan. You know, the bumbling intellectual," he said quietly.
Joey eyed him puzzled and shrugged. "He just does it for me. Ross is okay, but Chandler? He's one of a kind." Pacey nodded as the next episode started. "What about you?" she asked, only mildly curious. "Which girl do you ogle?" Her voice took on a lilting tone.
"Hmmm," Pacey pretended to contemplate the question. "It's a toss up between Rachel and Monica."
Joey smiled. "I figured you would have picked Phoebe. You have a thing for blondes and all..." Things mentally unstable, she finished in her head.
"Phoebe�s a little out there...even for me." He gave her a sidelong look.
"Okay, fine. Rachel or Monica? Despite your delusional adolescent fantasies, you can't have both."
He sucked the air in between his teeth, "If forced to choose...Monica. I like a controlling woman."
Joey laughed. "Freud'll have a field day with that one. You're masking serious mother issues." She popped some popcorn in her mouth and chewed pensively.
"If you think about it from my point of view, with your head in the gutter...it makes a lot more sense, Potter," he leered reaching behind his head for more popcorn.
Joey stuck her tongue out at him. "Pervert."
"Prude." Pacey countered by reflex.
Joey gathered a handful of popcorn in her hand and tossed it at Pacey's head. She giggled and moved the bowl out of his reach so he would not be able to retaliate.
"That's mature." He laughed turning from over and kneeled before her. His broad hands reached for the bowl of popcorn, determined to tip it over so that it would scatter all over her.
Joey smiled maliciously. "Don't you dare or you'll be wearing it!" She secured her grip on both sides of the bowl prepared to strike if necessary.
"If I'm going to be covered in salt and butter, I'm taking you down with me," he grunted as he put his arms around her waist and pulled her to the floor with him.
"No!" Joey screeched as she and bowl tumbled onto the floor in a jumbled mass. She struggled to get up the buttery kernels making her slip. After a few failed attempts, she made it onto her knees and glared at Pacey. "You're so dead."
"Oh really?" Pacey arched a brow cockily. "I could take you any day of the week."
Joey scoffed haughtily. "I'd like to see you try."
Pacey rose to his feet, ignoring the insisting voice in the back of his mind that told him this was dangerous, very dangerous. "You're on." Before he could take more than a few steps, she had dodged so that the coffee table stood between them.
Joey rolled her eyes. "I'm so scared."
He smirked at her and dodged to the left, as did she, keeping the table between them. He sighed, hands on hips. "And how, exactly, am I supposed to prove my superior masculinity if you keep running away?" he whined.
Joey eyes narrowed. "There's an oxymoron if I ever heard one." She eyed her surroundings surveying her options before grabbing a pillow from the floor and throwing it at Pacey's head. "Bulls eye!" she yelled triumphantly and skipped out of the room before he could get her.
"Oh come on!" He took off running after her, "That was cheating, you demeaned my manhood and then, in my moment of weakness, took a pot shot at my head!"
Joey laughed and ran into the kitchen, heading behind the table. "Was that supposed to arouse some sympathy?" she called out over her shoulder. "It didn't work."
"No, but it does mean that if you play dirty, then so can I." They were at a stale mate, with the kitchen table between them. Pacey shifted his weight from foot to foot, waiting for her next move.
Joey bit her lower lip apprehensively debating on what her next move should be. There was no way in hell she was going to let Pacey win. She cocked her head to the side and faked left, before running to the right.
Caught off guard by the seductive lure of Joey chewing her lower lip he just missed catching the hem of her shirt as she scampered by. A second later he was right behind her, his muscular arm wrapped securely around her waist.
Joey struggled to break free from his strong hold. Her resistance only caused them both to tumble onto the floor. Her fall cushioned by Pacey, back to him. He let out a muted breath as they hit the ground. She could feel his warm breath on her neck causing the small hairs to stand on end. She wriggled against him uncomfortably. "Let me go," she whined.
"Uh uh," he breathed, "not until you give."
His mouth grazed the back of her neck lightly, and her heart began to beat wildly. She rubbed her clammy hands against her gray shorts in an effort to steady her breathing. She frowned, licking her lips and tried to shake him off. "Never." She attempted to disentangle herself from him, only succeeding in flipping herself over onto her stomach. Her body on him and her legs entwined with his on the floor.
"Let me go," she huffed angrily, squirming in his grasp.
"Never," he mocked. This was bad... very bad. Her squirming was getting to him... more prominently in some places than in others. This wouldn't do, she'd notice any second. He grunted and used all his strength to roll her to the side, so that he had the upper hand. It was awkward, but he was able to pin her beneath him so that she was unaware of her affect on him.
Warning bells went off in Joey's head and she forced herself to not show any visible reaction to what was occurring. She grimaced, face red and struggled underneath his weight. "Get off me, Witter!" she hissed and raised a leg, prepared to knee him if need arise.
Pacey froze. "You move that knee an inch closer and I swear, Potter..." He warned, a smile tugging on his lips.
Joey rolled her eyes and relented. A small smile played on the edge of her lips as she bucked her hips forward, succeeding in pushing Pacey off her. They rolled over and now she was left straddling him. She grinned and locked her legs tightly against his hips, her chest heaving from breathlessness. "Ha! I win!"
His heart skipped a beat as he looked up shocked, into her flushed and triumphant face, her hair fluttering about as her eyes twinkled in merriment. The sight was enough to send all memory of their breakup flying from his mind. The heat from her skin was soaking through his clothes. He had to get her off him before she leaned back and knew the direction his thoughts had taken. "Not so fast there, Jo. What makes you think I didn't just let you get the upper hand?" He breathed heavily, face flushed.
Joey paused pretending to think about his question. "Stop trying to soothe your wounded ego. Just admit that I'm better than you."
"I have no problem admitting you're better than me." He grinned. "But you're not stronger than me... not by a long shot." He twisted his wrists to break her hold on them. He quickly wrapped her in a bear hug and rolled over, then secured her small wrists in his hands. Rising up over her, his head met the edge of the end table by the door. "Ow!" Without thinking, he lifted one of his hands to rub the injured spot.
Joey laughed at his antics and used the moment to break free of his grasp. "Smooth move."
She slithered out from under him and attempted to crawl away. "And where do you think you're going?" He lunged for her legs and pulled them to his chest, rendering her immobile.
Joey gasped and dug her nails into the rug for added resistance. "Pacey! Let go of me!" she gasped breathlessly.
"Nope, not until you admit it." He hung onto her, dead weight.
"Well, keep hope alive there, because I never will," she growled. She fell onto her back and attempted to kick him.
"I knew you wouldn't be able to resist your violent tendencies." He released his grip on her legs, catching her by surprise he was able to move up her body and grab her by the waist before she realized she was able to move.
Joey's breath caught in her throat as she found herself getting lost in his intense blue eyes. Protests silenced in her throat. "L-let go of me," she whispered uneasily, no real conviction behind her words.
He shook his head, unable to get words passed the growing lump in his throat. He was drowning in the emotion in her brown eyes. There was no place he'd rather be at that moment.
"Pacey?" she breathed, her lips parting slightly. Her pink tongue darted out anxiously, wetting her dry lips.
He released her wrists, his hands on either side of her head, steadying his weight over her body. The sight of her tongue running over her full lips was enough to send his head spinning.
Joey remained unmoving, her breath coming out in unsteady gasps. Her brown eyes enraptured with his. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth timidly, unable to speak.
Swallowing the lump in his throat and ignored all the protests flashing in the back of his mind telling him this was wrong, that he'd only end up hurt. He bent his head down to hers just barely brushing his lips against her soft ones, the warmth of his breath cascading over her face and mingling with hers. He pulled away and gazed at her, brown hair flowing above her head and lips parted in bated anticipation.
He studied her eyes inquisitively wanting to make sure this was okay and he hadn�t crossed some line she wasn�t ready to commit to. She nodded and raised herself up onto her elbows and captured his lips between hers. Her tongue escaped into the cavern of his mouth and she kissed him hungrily, thoroughly exploring every crevice that composed his mouth. She tenderly nibbled on his lower lip and sucked his tongue thirstily into her mouth. It had been so long, since she had known what the taste of him was like and she drank him greedily.
He savored the chance of having her in his arms again, and he wrapped his arms securely around her. He felt her body melt against his and he deepened the kiss. Letting the chemistry take over, his mind went blank and he gave into the sensation of having her in his arms.
Joey boldly ran her hands along his back, tracing the smooth contours. She slid them under his shirt pressing her palms against the warm skin of his stomach. Her nimble fingers toying with the soft hairs that trailed down into his boxers, peaking out from underneath his jeans. Her cool hands on his overheated skin sent a tremble through him, eliciting a moan from the back of his throat.
He lowered his mouth to her neck and began to gently nip and suck on the silky-smooth skin. Joey shivered and gazed around the room through lust heavy lids, slowly reality began to sink in. Her eyes widened in horror and she brought her hands to the front of Pacey's chest, pushing him off her. She sat up hurriedly gasping for air. "Friends? Remember? We're just friends."
Pacey sat back on his haunches, his head down. He ran the back of his hand across his lips, trying to remove the taste of her. "Friends.... right," he said his voice low and husky.
Joey nodded. "Friends," she repeated softly, getting use to the word, even though what had transpired was anything but innocent.
"I guess I'll take that as your surrender to the greater power." He tried to joke, but it came out strained. He rose to his feet.
Joey sneered. "Keep dreaming."
"Every night." He kept up the charade of banter. Joey stuck her finger down her throat in disgust; trying to fight the blush finding it's way onto her pale cheek. "We should get back to studying." He gestured half-heartedly to the kitchen table. "Or clean up and keep watching Friends." He couldn't keep the hope from entering his voice. He doubted he'd be able to have a conversation with her, not after that kiss. The television would be a welcome distraction.
Joey sighed sitting up and dusted herself off. "Let's clean up. I don't want Bessie to have an aneurysm when she sees the mess we�ve made." She bent down, her legs slightly unsteady, and began picking up the pillows they had carelessly thrown on the floor earlier so she wouldn't have to face him.
He nodded and turned his back to her, picking up the bowl, now empty and overturned on the carpet. He began picking up the stray popcorn kernels.
Joey fixed the couch and straightened out the pillows, her hands still shaky as her body tried to calm its self down. She mentally chastised herself over their kiss. She felt her face redden as she recalled what it was like having his body on top of hers and the feel of his skin under her hands. She sighed; her nerves frazzled and sat down on the couch. She raked her nails through her hair in obvious distress and arranged it into a haphazard ponytail. Her gaze fell on Pacey, picking up popcorn kernels from the floor and she managed a small smile, her hand reaching for the hand-vacuum by the couch. "Here," she said, handing it to him. "It'll be faster."
"What am I? Your slave?" he asked mischief in his eyes as he took in her languid form resting on the couch. Nevertheless, he took the vacuum from her.
Joey shrugged, distracted. "Yeah, whatever..."
He gave her a curious look but said nothing. He began vacuuming the floor, under the table and chairs. He came back to the couch on his knees, vacuuming around her. He finished quickly, and stood awkwardly next to the couch trying to decide if he should leave or stay. Screw it, he thought, plopping himself down next to her, his arm resting on the back of the couch. He never was able to resist her. She was a drug and he was her addict, addicted to the silky feel of her skin, and the heat of her feverent kisses. He idly ran a finger along the her shoulder, eliciting a shiver from her. He ran a hand softly along her arm and her breathing increased, coming out in short rapid gasps for air.
She eyed him through her peripheral vision and sent a cursory glance his way; and then opted to focus her gaze on the television screen. She was going to ignore his proximity, ignore the sound of his shallow breathing, the way he nervously tapped his fingers on his knee, ignore the shivers and longing his touch invoked within her.
The tension was tangible electricity between them. Pacey effortlessly tuned out the crazy antics of the characters on screen. Joey was invading his mind, clouding the flashing warnings in the back of his mind warning him to stay away.
Joey froze. She could feel her pulse pounding frenziedly through her veins, hairs standing on end. Every part of her body attuned to his every move and breath. It took all her self-control not to just turn around and do what she's tried her best to avoid.
Kiss him.
Butterflies where doing the jig in his stomach, it was a feeling he had come to be used to ever since their first kiss. It was a sign of no return. He was going to kiss her again and there was no way he could stop himself. She was the only one capable of bringing a stop to it. He peeked at her through the corner of his eye, and by the looks of it, she wasn't going to. Her face was flushed and her breathing was coming in short rapid spurts. He looked back at the screen. Ross and Rachel were fighting in Central Perk, something about Rachel being in love with him and Ross getting a cat. Then he stormed off.
Ross returned, a look in his eyes that couldn't be described as anything less than absolute love and adoration. Rachel returned the look and let him back in, where they became entangled in the heat and passion between them. Magnetically, Pacey's eyes found Joey's brown ones, unable to resist the primal pull she had on him.
Joey inhaled sharply and let her hands fall limply to her sides. The tension between them escalated to a new level. She didn�t even need to look at him to know what was going to happen now. Her eyes rested on the TV screen, the figures and lights becoming an intangible glaze. She frowned and licked her lips in anticipation. She slowly turned her head to face him and forgot how to breathe upon seeing his eyes. The wanting and desire were emblazoned openly in their blue pools.
Pacey leaned forward and captured her lips with his, closing the distance between them. She gently ran her tongue across his bottom lip prodding them open with her tongue. He returned the kiss with all the longing he'd been repressing for the last few months. He was overcome with the familiar feelings she was always capable of drawing from him. He caressed her tongue with his. Joey uncertainly raised her hand to his cheek, rubbing her fingers over his cheekbone, enjoying the soft scratchy feel. Adrenalin rushed through his veins, his skin burned where her hand held his face to hers.
Joey emitted a deep moan from the back of her throat and she pressed herself closer against him. Her hands wandered to the back of his neck and she began toying with the hair at the nape. She let out a contented sigh, enjoying every minute of their heated kissing.
The incessant knocking on the door went unnoticed by the two teenagers. It crept open and a head of blond hair curved around the side. Hearing the TV he entered, his view of the couch blocked. He hung his coat on the coat rack and walked down the few steps down the hall. He tripped over the hand vacuum Pacey had carelessly left in the doorway.
Joey broke away startled and her eyes flew to the entrance of the living room where Dawson�s familiar form stood. Her eyes widened and she gaped at him in shock, words unable to form. Pacey turned in his seat; his eyes grew hard the instant they realized it was Dawson who had walked in on them. The passion and desire that coursed through his veins turned to fury and resentment.
Dawson blanched at the cold vengeful look his ex-best friend was giving him. "I thought you said he'd be gone by now." He demanded of Joey, avoiding Pacey's eyes and focusing instead on Joey's flushed face.
Joey eyes flew from Pacey to Dawson and her mouth fell open. "Oh...um, yeah..." she mumbled.
Pacey pushed Joey away from him without giving her a second glance. He walked past Dawson, without a backwards look, anger and distrust emanating from him. He stormed out the door leaving his coat and school supplies behind. He welcomed the cool afternoon air on his hot skin. As he walked, he relived the heated moments with Joey on the couch, where the only thing on his mind was her and the feelings she evoked in him. Then suddenly there was the harsh reminder of everything that had torn them apart standing right in front of them.
Joey stood frozen, the anger and hurt in Pacey's eyes leaving her speechless. She sat there, eyes unwavering from the spot he had just occupied and wondered if she should go after him or not.
"I see I came at a bad time..." Dawson trailed off, realizing she wasn't listening to him.
Joey stood up and ran after Pacey�s form. The screen door of the Potter B & B slammed behind her and she hurried down the steps. "Pacey!" she called. "Pacey, wait!"
He swiftly turned around his body rigid with distrust and uncertainty. "What is it?" he asked roughly.
Joey stepped back a bit startled by his outburst. "I�m sorry."
He gazed at her incredulously. "That�s it? That�s all you have to say?"
"Well, what do you want me to say?" she asked angrily.
"Nothing, because that�s exactly what I�ve come to expect from you. So don�t worry about it, I�ve already written it off as a mistake."
"You can�t do that to me. You can�t kiss me and tell me it meant nothing," she cried.
"Isn�t that what you want? I�m just making it easier for you, Jo. Dawson�s already cast me as the bad guy, might as well live up to the role."
"It�s not about Dawson. It�s about me and I just-I can�t deal with this. I can�t choose between someone that I�ve known my whole life, someone who�s been my whole life and whatever this is."
"Whatever this is?" he asked hurt.
"I didn�t mean it like that."
He shook his head. "No, you�ve already made your choice. You just haven�t realized it yet."
"Give me a chance to talk to Dawson, explain-" she begged.
"Explain? There�s nothing to explain, Joey. There�s nothing between us, I thought that was decided already."
"I thought we both agreed that it was best to-"
"I didn�t agree, Joey! It was you! It�s what you wanted, what you decided. It was your choice. I just went along with it."
Joey shook her head in denial, not letting his words get to her. "No, Pacey. I just did what was best for the situation."
"What was best for who?" he cried. "For me? For you? For Dawson? Don�t fool yourself, Joey."
Joey felt the tears threaten to spill down her cheeks and she blinked them back, her vision becoming distorted. "I can�t. I just can�t," she whispered silently.
Pacey fought back the urge to grab her into his arms and soothe her, make everything going away for her, but he couldn�t. She had to realize that.
He swallowed and ran a shaky hand through his short brown hair. "The worst lies," he said quietly, "are the ones you tell yourself." She gazed up at him vulnerably, unable to stop the tears that began to fall. "And I can�t lie to myself anymore, Joey."
~*~
Joey stood outside of her front door. She inhaled a sharp breath and hurried to wipe away her tears, so that now her face only looked slightly red. She stepped inside, closing the door behind her. She walked to the living room to find Dawson still waiting for her. She shook her head a few times regaining her composure.
He sat on the sofa casually waiting for her to speak. "You want to talk about it?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.
Joey eyed him strangely, caught off guard by his casual manner. "Talk about what?"
"Oh, I don't know," He acted nonchalant. "School, weather, the B & B, what exactly Pacey was doing here?" Dawson asked petulantly.
Joey glanced down at her books on the coffee table. "Some dumb English assignment we got partnered on. You know that."
Dawson nodded and stood up. "I know that, but what I can�t understand is why you were kissing him, unless the grade required the use of CPR."
Joey blushed and sat down on the sofa. "It just happened, Dawson. I don�t know how to explain it all I can do is promise that it won�t happen again."
Dawson stared at her bewildered. "Joey, you kissed him."
Joey shook her head penitently. "I know and I�m sorry."
"Sorry isn�t going to fix this, Joey!" Dawson exclaimed loudly. Joey jumped startled by his outburst. "I�m sorry," he said softly and let out a tired sigh. He sat down beside her and buried his face in his hands.
After a few moments, he raised his head and ran his hands through his blonde hair distressed. He stood up and began pacing the room. "I can�t do this, Joey. I can�t. We already went through this once and you made your choice. It�s either him or me, Joey. Three months ago you came into my room and I asked you to make a decision, you remember that?"
Joey�s eyes fell to the floor and she bit her lower lip nervously. She shook her head sadly, pleading with him not to do this to her. "And you chose me Joey. You chose our friendship over whatever you had with Pacey. Do you remember that, Joey? Because I do."
She lifted her face to him, eyes red rimmed and brimming with tears. "Dawson, please. Don�t do this," she whispered hoarsely.
He felt his heart break from her simple plea, but he went on, needing to get through to her. "And maybe I was foolish enough to believe that whatever misgivings I had about our relationship could be washed away and we could start anew, become Dawson and Joey again." Joey�s eyes fell to the floor and her shoulders racked with sobs. Dawson knelt before her, capturing her hands with his.
"I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you want the same thing," he pleaded softly. Joey�s gazed remained unwavering from the floor, her tears falling with unabashed sorrow. "Look at me, and tell me that all my misgivings and insecurities have been in vain."
Joey slowly lifted her head up, her dark brown eyes beseeching him. He raised a hand and tenderly wiped away her tears, still they fell, in rapid succession. "You chose me, Joey," he said whispered softly, "we�re Dawson and Joey. Together again. No questions asked. If you choose him," he glanced away from the pain from her face and gulped audibly unsure if he was making the right choice or not. "It�s good-bye, Joey. Forever."
Joey stared up at him startled. "N-no," she whispered softly and tightened her grip on his hand. "You can�t mean that." She whimpered. "Don�t make me do this, Dawson. Don�t make me choose."
He gazed at her, hazel eyes guileless, hurt and pain emblazoned openly across them. "I can�t be friends with you, knowing that you�re with him." His voice strengthened and he pulled his hand away from her grasp. She let out another sharp cry.
"Goddamnit, Joey! You can�t have us both! You of all people should know that already! So, what�s it going to be, Jo? Sixteen years of friendship or whatever ephemeral, hormonal thing you have with Pacey, because that�s what it is Joey, it�s not going to last."
He gently cupped her face in his hand, forcing her to look at him. She gazed up at him helpless salty tears staining her face and stinging her eyes. His voice softened. "Three months ago, I asked you to make a choice, Joey." He whispered his last words, all of his hope for the both of them leaving with them. "Now I need you to make it again."
Joey bit her lower lip and looked away. Her tears fell silent now. After a long moment of silence, she focused her attention back on him and opened her mouth to speak, but words failed her. She inhaled a sharp breath and her eyes slowly fluttered shut, searching for an answer, she didn�t think she had. The seconds ticked by and she could feel each moment, a stinging force in her veins. She gradually opened her eyes again and she was confronted with Dawson�s familiar hazel ones.
Eyes she�d known like her own. That had seen her through every trial and tribulation that had ever been set before her and they had come through it together. Eyes that were now beseeching and pleading with her to make a choice she didn�t feel she had the right to make it. She could never justify breaking one boy�s heart for another. It hurt too much and she could only imagine the pain she�d be inflicting if she chose.
~*~
Joey frowned and knocked on the door once again, shifting her weight from foot to foot. After her less then pleasant talk with Dawson over the status quo of their relationship, more like non-relationship, she decided to return Pacey's stuff that he had left in his hurry out of her house, and maybe talk to him about what had happened.
He knew she was at the door before he answered it. His hand rested on the handle unmoving, he was bracing himself to remain unemotional in front of her. He opened the door slowly, his face hard as stone as he gazed at her soft visage.
"Um...hey, you left your stuff at my house, so I decided to bring it to you. The books might be important for that school thing in the morning," she said, joking weakly.
"Thanks." He took the book bag from her and dropped it with a thump just inside the door. He turned steely eyes back to her face. Her beautiful, open, concerned face. He was crumbling, he could feel it, and he hated himself for it. This time he wouldn't allow himself to fall under her spell, he just couldn't.
Joey shifted uncomfortably. "Welcome..." She jammed her hands into her jean pockets, making no visible attempts to leave. She exhaled a sharp breath after a few moments. "I think we need to talk."
"Funny, �cause I don't."
"We can't just leave it unsettled," Joey argued.
"It all feels settled to me. You have him, he has you, and I-" He stopped himself before he could say something he knew he'd regret later.
"Dawson and I are not...whatever you think Dawson and I are," Joey replied. "We were supposed to watch a movie tonight, but it seems you both have this misguided notion of what our relationship is."
"You chose him, Joey!" He burst out.
Joey blinked harshly. "I can't change that. I can't."
"I don't expect you too. I don't even want you to! But what I do want, is for you to quit pretending that it didn't mean something!"
Joey shook her head sadly. "I was wrong. It wasn't even supposed to happen that way, but I was hurting really badly. Do you have any idea what it's like to be torn between the two people you care about an-and love most? On one hand there's Dawson, my best friend in the entire world, my family when I had none, the person who knows me better than anyone else on earth...and loves me anyway."
She sighed, "And then there's you, Pacey. You're this wonderful and amazing person, who has worked their way under my skin until I can't tell where you begin and I end. At the risk of sounding, Jerry Maguire-esque, you complete me, Pacey." She tried to meet his eyes, but they stayed locked on the floor. She inhaled a shaky breath. "I can stand here trying to explain my actions to you until I'm blue in the face, but it still won't change anything, will it?"
The door to the apartment across from Pacey and Doug's popped open and Mrs. Jenkins head popped out. It was then that Pacey realized he'd been yelling a few moments before. "Come inside, Jo." He moved out of the way to let her enter.
"That's just it, Joey. It's not going to change. I won't lie and say that I wish things had been different. We both made mistakes, some worse than others." He silently cursed himself for his own stupidity.
"But I'm not going to let you tell me you don't have feelings for him." Joey stood silent unsure of what to say. "You came here for a reason." He asked trying to urge her along. His voice had lost its edge at seeing her nervousness.
She sighed. "And I'm not even sure of that reason any more. I had this whole big monologue prepared. Purpose. Goal. " She gestured emphatically. "Where I wanted to take this and for some reason this is not turning out how I planned. It just sounds better when I say it in my head, but all I can offer is a yes, I love Dawson and some part of me always will regardless of how much I protest,.but...with you, Pacey, there's so much more and I know that doesn't change anything, despite how much I hoped it would." She inhaled a sharp breath and turned around. "I think I'll be going now."
Head hanging, she headed for the door. Pacey followed her with dumbfounded eyes. "No, Joey. Wait."
Joey turned around eyes wet with tears. "What is it, Pacey? There's nothing left for me to say and I can't always be the one trying to fix things. I can't deal with it."
"I tried to fix things!" He countered, standing before her. "At that point, you gave up on us. What was I supposed to do? You didn't want me! You wanted him. I kept waiting for you to approach me...to restart some sort of friendship." He paused, looking intently into her eyes, his voice low, "And you never did. Now, three months later, you're back, and out of nowhere, we're kissing again. How exactly am I expected to react?"
"I don't know, Pacey! I don't, okay? You think it's easy for me? That I have everything figured out? Well, I don't. I'm falling into this head first and praying that I don't crash."
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Tell me everything, tell me nothing. Tell me that you're as scared of this as I am."
There was a long pause before he spoke. "I'm not scared of loving you." His clear blue eyes were soft as he looked into her pleading ones.
Joey's heart broke. "I just can't-"
He raised a hand to stop her, "I'm afraid of letting you love me. You hurt me so badly." His voice broke. "We hurt each other so badly..."
Joey gazed up at him, her brown eyes guileless. "I just can't deal with this anymore. Are we friends? Are we not? Are we more? My life is already full of complex relationships."
"Things between us were always complex, Joey." He sighed, "It all depends."
Joey sighed and rubbed the back of her neck wearily. "On what?"
"On how much we're willing to risk." He sat down on the back of the couch, and crossed his arms over his chest.
Joey frowned. "Meaning?"
"We risked it all once and ended up with broken hearts." He answered softly. "But are you willing to risk it again?"
Joey's face fell and she looked away. "I don't know," she said softly.
A jolt shot through him at her words. He looked away from her. "Then why are you here?" His voice was a barely audible whisper.
Joey looked at him helplessly. "I don't know. I feel like I need to be."
"You need to know, Joey. Because I can't tell you anything until you know exactly what it is you want from me." Joey stood silent and her eyes dropped to the floor. "Look, Joey. We screwed up the first time because we weren't honest- I screwed up the first time because I wasn't honest about how much you meant-mean to me." He looked at her distressed face, unable to make sense of his thoughts anymore. "I don't-" he tried to continue. "I won't- I just- I can't do this anymore." He rose from his seat and faced her. "I can't let you back into my heart, Joey. I can't! Not when you won't let me in yours!"
She looked up at him through tear stained eyes. "You never left mine, Pacey."
He released the pent up air from his lungs, his body relaxed in defeat. "Then why can't you say it?" He questioned with sorrowful eyes.
Joey shook her head sadly; she rose from her seat. "It's too hard."
He let out a shaky breath, "Then it's over before it began. I'm not going to put my heart in your hands again only to find that you wont be careful with it. I won't make a risk you're not willing to take."
She nodded and shut her eyes, letting the realization of what was occurring wash over her. She slowly opened them and found herself looking into Pacey's open blue eyes. She paused and carefully weighed her options. And then she kissed him.
His eyes opened wide at her brash movement before sinking closed. He melted into her for a few moments. Returning the kiss feverishly, before pushing her away. "No, I- you-" He took a few steps away from her. "You can't just kiss me and make it all work out." Joey stood frozen in her spot, unmoving.
"Look at me, Josephine." He stood back and raised his arms. His voice boomed. "Look at me. I'm here for the taking. All you have to do is reach out and take." His demeanor changed as realization dawned on him.
"But I'm not worth it am I?" The words felt heavy in his mouth, "I've given you every opportunity tonight to take things into your own hands and...And I'm just not worth it, right?" He threw himself down onto the couch, letting his arm resting over his eyes.
Joey bit her lower lip apprehensively and sat down on the armchair. "I'm willing...to take the risk," she said quietly.
"Are you?" His voice was calm but the stiffness of his body gave away his emotions. He kept his arm resting over his face. "Can you really give up your friendship for Dawson? You tried it once, what makes you think you can do it again?"
She swallowed the lump in her throat. "This time, I know exactly how much I'll be gaining," she whispered.
The breath caught in Pacey's throat at her confession. The words hung heavy in the air at the ensuing silence. Joey took his silence offensively. "Well? Aren't you going to say something?"
"I didn't think you could." He said, awe in his voice.
Joey smiled and shrugged, slightly embarrassed. "Why not?"
"You fought me the whole time." He remained unmoving on the couch, drinking in this unexpected confession.
Joey shook her head sadly. "So you're not interested anymore?"
"Never said that," he said hurriedly.
Joey eyed him quizzically. "So what's wrong?"
"I'm-I'm still letting it sink in."
Joey nodded and said nothing, wringing her hands in her lap nervously. "Well, when you want to talk let me know."
He nodded beneath his arm. "Talking isn't exactly what I have in mind right now." He moved his arm enough to peek out at her.
"Oh..." She cocked her head to the side in thought. "Want me to leave?"
"Never. I'd rather you sat there and stewed in your own juices for awhile."
Joey scowled. "So glad I can entertain you."
"Well, what else are you good for?" He teased, removing his arm and turning to face her a mischievous look in his eyes.
Joey coughed. "Nothing you'd be interested in."
He chuckled. "I highly doubt that, I'm interested in everything you do."
Joey shrugged carelessly. "That's nice."
"You're serious about this?" he asked tentatively. "No regrets?"
"You're worth it, Pacey. You're worth losing his friendship." She said with conviction.
He grinned; the emotion behind her words contented him. "So, now what?" he asked, at a loss for anything else to say.
She shrugged. "I don't know...We could kiss, but it might be too soon," she teased. "I mean you don't want to rush these things."
"No," he sat up, "I'm very into rushing things. I've kept myself away from you for over three months, I think I deserve some sort of reward."
Joey laughed. "Oh yeah. Definitely," she mocked.
"Fine, we'll take it slow." He gestured for Joey to join him on the couch. "C'mere, Potter. I think that Friends marathon is still running."
She sighed and sat next to him. "Usually having the television on helps when you're going to watch TV. Just a thought."
"So, turn it on, woman." He teased, slipping an arm around her shoulders.
Joey smiled and leaned in to kiss him. Holding his lips captive with hers. She kissed him slowly and thoroughly, her heart rate increasing rapidly. She pulled back quickly, giving him a mischievous grin. "Oh...you meant the TV, didn't you?"
He shot a look at her and raised an eyebrow, "Oh, behave!" He dug the remote out from between the cushions and turned the television on. She rolled her eyes and settled down to watch TV, soon becoming enraptured with the antics of Chandler and Joey.
Pacey sank into the couch, completely relaxed for the first time in months. He absently drew circles on her shoulder with his index finger, slowing inching her closer to his side. She shivered involuntarily and bit the inside of her cheek. How in the hell did Pacey expect her to watch TV if he kept on doing that?
Watching her from the corner of her eye, he couldn't help but smile. "Had enough Friends yet?" He asked, wickedly.
She shook her head. "Nope. I'm not done fully appreciating Chandler." She grinned inwardly.
"Tough," he switched the TV off. "I'm done competing for your attention." He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and turned her face to his.
Joey feigned ignorance. "Pacey, I was watching that."
"Monica was annoying me." He whispered huskily.
Joey grinned ignoring the bad thoughts his voice sent through her body. "I thought you liked Monica," she replied.
"I do," He whispered hotly in her ear before moving his mouth to her lips, sending shivers of desire racing through them both. Finally, they were both where they wanted to be.
~~~~~~~~
The End
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