What Is OCD?
OCD stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, a condition of often recurrent obsessions and/or compulsions. Obsessions are often overpowering repetitive thoughts, impulses or ideas that are deemed unreasonable, intrusive and unwanted. An obsession can also be "pleasurable" preoccupation, but it's done to such an extreme that it's importance usurps all the other activities and responsibilities in the sufferers life. Compulsions are defined as an irresistible impulse to act, often in a repetitious manner and regardless of the rationality of the motivation, to ease the anxiety created by obsessions.

What Is Scrupulosity?
Scrupulosity is the closest thing to Hell that I've ever experienced. In fact, it may be what Hell is. I'm not sure and I hope i never find out. It is repetitive, intrusive and unwanted thoughts regarding one's faith. The sufferer may worry that he or she might say or do something blasphemous, or be tormented by recurrent perverse thoughts that won't go away. The individual may fear that he has committed sin, even the unpardonable sin, and is unable to feel forgiven.

My Experience With OCD/Scrupulosity
In my own experiences, I was having these terrifying, blasphemous thoughts of Jesus Christ and it almost literally killed me. My body would physically ache and go into a deep, nauseating chill much like a fever and my chest would burn when those thoughts entered my mind. Worst of all was the deep shame and confusion I felt knowing my brain could even manufacture such damning garbage. I was too depressed, too disgusted and frightened to tell anyone my horrible secret. Alone I would pray for long periods of time, pleading God for mercy. For hours I would go into fits of anger, anger at myself for having thoughts I believed I should be able to surpress. I could not eat and even drinking water was nearly impossible as it conjured up twisted mental images. I lost alot of weight during this time. Sleep also was difficult, because I was alone in the dark with my cursed mind. I would blare the stereo nearly full blast from upstairs to try and drown out my thoughts. It was terrifying, and I feared my soul and mind had already been claimed by Satan and I was being dragged to Hell.

For several very dark months I truly believed I was a Son of Perdition due to my falling away from the church. I remember those bleak spring days. I had no hope for ever being happy again. I even envied dogs and stray animals, for at least they weren't "doomed to Gnolom - to dwell in hell, worlds without end." [1] My eternity was to be in Outer Darkness forever and ever. My soul wasn't mine to keep anymore, I had sold it away and it would be claimed by the father of lies after this mortality. I still loved the Savior through these black days. I was sad I had abandoned Him. Mocked Him. Doubted His existance. I shook my head in deep regret at how proud I was in my teenage years and early adulthood and how awful of a parent and husband I was. My scrupulosity got so bad I could no longer pray because voices in my head would interrupt my words and outright deny the Holy Spirit! I felt to pray would only further worsen my afterlife. The pictures I had of the Savior I took down, and any religious literature was packed away in boxes, hoping I could forget everything I knew and who I was and fade away into a different life.

Thankfully, the Lord was merciful to me. I was blessed with personal revelation, insights and good advice to gain some measure of control over my brain. Here is what I found out...

Easing The Symptoms Of OCD/Scrupulosity
There are a number of factors to my improved mental well-being:

First, I came to the understanding that the blaspemous, offensive thoughts I was having were not me, they are the disorder. I no longer dwell on them, I instead dismiss them and replace them with other thoughts. Feeling shame or disgust for having an evil thought occur in your head only makes it worse. The thought or vision will gain power and be harder to forget if we "emotionalise" over it (that's the word of the day folks). By feeling shame and guilt over blasphemous thought, we take ownership of them. Don't do this. They are not thoughts we wish to have. Ignore them as you would a loud crazy drunk on a street corner.

Secondly, scoot down to the local health food store and pick yourself up a bottle of flaxseed or hempseed oil. It's loaded with an Essential Fatty Acid called Omega 3 which is critical for neurological functions (as well prevention of degenerative diseases yada yada). You may be interested to know that 50-60% of the human brain is fat, and most of that fat is... drumroll please... Omega 3! Omega 3 has been proven to stabilise moods and ease unipolar/bipolar depression by maintaining cellular integrity and neurotransmission fluid in the brain. Fish (sardines, herring) is the recommended source of Omega 3 because it contains the two most benificial and accessible forms of this fat: EPA and DHA. ALA is the plant-based "strain" of Omega 3 - and while it's very healthful - doesn't have the direct positive effect for us OCDers as does the marine-life forms. The American Heart Association recommends two servings of fish a week, but I recommend substantially more. At least double the amount. I also recommend bottled Omega 3 over the capsules, the quality and quantities are much higher in the former than the latter.

Next, stay away from highly processed foods or sugars (as much as you can). Recent studies show those inflicted with OCD and other anxiety disorders can benefit from a low-carbohydrate diet. May I humbly submit a diet I've designed (under rewrite) which is effective at easing scrupulosity/ocd symptoms and will even help you get cut for summer. It's called the KetoPlan, and is derived and modified from other low-carb, high fat diets like the BodyOpus and the Ketogenic diet. Most importantly, the KetoPlan emphasises emphatically the liberal usage of fish-based Omega 3's which I ranted about a paragraph ago. Regardless eating multiple, small nonrefined meals will keep your blood sugar levels in check and OCD symptoms at bay. Eat lots of dark green vegetables, you'll feel better. And please, DO NOT use artificial sweeteners found in so many "light" products nowadays. Aspartame (which goes under the brandname Nutrasweet and many other aliases) is a neurotoxin with causes retinal damage, tumours, increased anxiety, depression, worsens ocd symptoms, insomnia and will inflict you with the worst sugar disorder you can imagine. How do I know this? I've personally been poisoned by aspartame! Sucralose (under the brand name Splenda) is no better. Luckily, there is a natural sweetener which is safe and it's been used in South America for 2000 years called Stevia. I will be adding an aspartame awareness page with my personal experiences regarding this dangerous poison in the near future. Stay tuned!

Last (at least the last one I can think of at the moment) is know that the Lord loves you and wants you to feel better. I believe in my heart that is why you found this website, because you are being watched and guided in your time of need. Continue to pray, your prayers are getting through. And contact me via my email link at the bottom of the page if you want someone to talk to. I'm here for you!

I should mention I also found meditation helpful. This means simply being mindful of the present moment by being conscious of our breath. It's amazingly peaceful and refreshing. I learned this from a terrific book called Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. The book is beautifully written and an inspiration. Read the book and try out his suggestions and you will be in a better frame of mind. I've read my copy several times already, and would read it again but I lent it out and never got it back! I hope he's enjoying it as much as I did :) I also highly, highly recommend The Greatest Salesman in the World by Og Mandino. If you're going to have things repeat over and over in your head, it might as well be positive! Combat evil thoughts with good... read this book :)

Again, may think Jesus Christ has withdrawn from you because of your evil thoughts. Nothing could be farther from the truth. He is closer to you than ever, and understands your suffering. Pray to God even if your prayers are being contaminated by evil images and voices (as mine were) and tell Him you do not subscribe to those thoughts. Ask for comfort and mercy and the Prince of Peace will rush to your assistance. He did for me and I am full of love and gratitude for this.

Also see your doctor asap. You'll likely be prescribed an anti-depressant which should help quiet those thoughts considerably. You don't need to take the anti-depressants forever either, just for a few weeks or months until the symptoms subside. Then gradually decrease the dosage until you are completely off the medication.

Finding Someone To Talk To
Are you suffering from scrupulosity and want to talk to someone of the same faith, who is suffering just like you? Are you a born-again Baptist who would like to talk to another born-again Baptist? There is someone waiting to talk to you! Or a Catholic? Or a Latter-Day Saint as I am? I will help you connect to someone of the same denomination, if that is what you wish. Let me know what you need, just don't suffer alone!

Q and A about OCD

At what age did you notice the onset of scrupulosity?

I was 31 years old when Scrupulosity hit me full-on. I've always had OCD, and manifested it in various ways during my childhood, but constant ruminations and intrusive thoughts regarding my faith is a relatively new thing.

Do you feel that your family or an aspect of society brought about this condition? If so, how and why?

No, my family or society in no way whatsoever brought about my OCD or Scrupulosity. It's a genetic disposition.

What were the physical results of this condition upon your body? i.e. headaches, vomiting, etc...

The terror and continuous stress of these unwanted blasphemous thoughts took a significant toll on my body. I couldn't eat and was afraid to even drink water because it conjured up grossly irreverant visions. I lost alot of weight, and couldn't sleep so I looked like warmed-over death. I was losing my hair too (thank God for finasteride!). There was a rumour going around at work that I had AIDS because I was losing weight so fast and looked awful.

What were the mental and physiological results of this condition upon you?

I had no peace, night or day. I wanted to escape my own mind, my own thoughts, and couldn't. I was constantly trying to stay one thought ahead of evil thoughts. I couldn't stay on a certain thought or idea for any length of time because it would be polluted and offend God. I was constantly begging the Lord for mercy, for help, for forgiveness. I would go into the bathroom stall during work and cry and plead with the Lord for forgiveness and answers to what was going on in my head. Was I posessed? Did I secretly hate God? Was my soul already doomed forever? It was terrifying. Some thoughts were (and are, because it still happens from time to time) so offensive I spasm or shout a word involuntarily. Of course I get the odd look when it happens in public and people are around :^P As I read books or scripture, or sang hymns in church, I would quickly scan the next line to see if there would be a word that would trigger an evil thought - kind of like double reading if you can imagine that. When listening or talking to my daughter, I would study her words and expressions as closely as I could, so that my mind would be so focused that no evil intrusive thoughts would interrupt. When talking on the phone I would multi-task, in an attempt to keep my mind so busy it couldn't possibly manufacture an offensive thought towards God. I listened to the radio all night long, as loud as I could, to preoccupy my mind. I could go on and on. I break down and cry when I recall those horrible times, but I am grateful to Jesus Christ for allowing me to suffer and endure these things because I have been able to help others afflicted with Scrupulosity in a small way.

At what point did you seek help for your condition after the onset?

At first, I was too ashamed to tell anyone about these evil thoughts (and I mean, they were offensive beyond belief). How could I explain such bizarre symptoms to my mother and father who were devout Christians and were so happy for me because I returned to gospel? I imagined my mother turning white and reeling in horror after learning of my thoughts. After a long while of suffering, I confided to my father in a late night phone conversation that I could no longer pray or participate in church because these satanic voices in my head would give me no peace, and I didn't want to offend God anymore. I'm sure he was stunned, but later hit the nail on the head soon after when he muttered (no doubt under the influence of the Holy Ghost) "well, you know you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder". Neither of us really knew what the heck OCD was, but when he said it, it had the unmistakable resonance of truth. That was the beginning of my diagnosis.

Do you feel that the help you sought was effective? What did the therapy entail? Do you feel that at moments you will have relapses of the condition?

The help I recieved was multi-pronged. I recieved guidance from my bishop, who I found out is also a sufferer of OCD (it's amazing how the Lord works, isn't it?), started taking anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs and started exercising regularly. It was effective to a large degree, but I still suffer from Scrupulosity and OCD every hour of everyday. It never goes away. That being said, my mechanisms for dealing with the disorder are more "anticipative" than before. I will spasm or make a noise or gesture if I think an evil thought will occur - I don't wait for the offensive thought to happen. The noise or gesture wards the evil away (or symptom if you wish to call it that) or in some cases surpresses it. I then shake the whole episode off and move on to another line of thought. Most intrusive, unwanted, horrible thoughts and images happen when I'm either thinking about diety (God the Father, the Lord Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost) or my three daughters, the most important beings in my life.

Has family and society been supportive of you throughout the process from onset to seeking help? If so, in what way?

My family has been supportive through every phase, but they don't fully understand what the disorder is and what I go through, which is fine by me. It's impossible to encapsulate in a sentence or even a whole book how omnipresent OCD and Scrupulosity is in my daily life.

What are your coping mechanisms in dealing with the condition at the present time?

If I have an offensive thought, I don't get all worked up about it. I shake it off as best I can (and often repent of it just to be on the safe side) and move on. I'll give this dandy piece of advice: Know that you love the Lord and honor Him with all the reverence you can muster, and when an evil OCD thought happens, quickly discard it because it isn't you - it's the disorder. The Lord wants those who suffer intrusive, unwanted blasphemous thoughts to not take ownership of it, but rather ignore or dismiss it as quickly as we can. The Lord is of excellent character. He knows our thoughts and intentions are in the right place.

What were your coping mechanisms during the onset of this condition?

When first ambushed with scrupulosity, I had no dealing mechanisms. I was in perpetual panic mode.

Do you come from a strict religious background? If so, do you think this had an effect on your condition?

Yes, I come from a strict Latter-Day Saint family, but it had no bearing on my scrupulosity whatsoever. I am strict with myself, no one can force me to do anything I don't want to do. That's why I left home and lived on the streets when I was 17. I totally went the other way then, doing acid regularly and drinking even more frequently. I was into the alternative music scene (ooh, big sin), getting into fights and living an immoral lifestyle bigtime.

With the onset of this condition did you feel that you were simply a strict religious follower or did you notice that the level to which religion affected you physically and mentally was not normal?

Totally not normal. I always knew that when I set out to do something, I go beyond the norm. It's always been my nature (and a manifestation of OCD, of course).

Do you seek advice from your spiritual leader? If so, what was their reaction?

Yes, I consult with him regularly. My bishop is such an awesome guy. I love the big lug! As stated earlier, he has OCD too (albeit a different kind - he's a compulsive hand washer) so we have very interesting and honest conversations. They are always in the spirit of reverence and in a spiritual context, which is important.

How did this condition affect your family, work, other daily social interactions etc?

I'm pretty upfront about my "beliefs" to everyone. I hate to call it a "belief" because I have a pure knowledge of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, as well as Joseph Smith being a prophet of God who was an instrument in restoring the Gospel and the priesthood to the world. People notice I no longer drink, smoke or swear anymore, and some have even told me I seem happier and more at peace than when they knew me before. Funny and ironic if you think about it.

Do you still maintain a religious lifestyle?

Turning away from God would be like turning away from my children - not going to happen in this lifetime or the next!

Did this condition ever lead you to seeking alcohol or drugs as a means to suppress the condition? If so, why?

Yes, I tried drinking red wine to get rid of intrusive thoughts, although it is against the Word of Wisdom. It didn't work, and I only had a few glasses. To my knowledge, alcohol and drugs do not take the disorder away, it only steals any control you might have to deal with the disorder.

Did you at any point contemplate suicide? If so, why?

Not really suicide, because it's an unpardonable sin and to take my own life would inflict great suffering on my children. I have longed for death many times during the middle phase of Scrupulosity however. I wished a truck would just nail me as I crossed the street, and put me out of my misery. What I mean by "middle phase" is this: when I first got Scrupulosity, it was because God answered a prayer that proved to me without a shadow of a doubt the existance of Him (you may want to re-read that last sentence, it's important). It was the most amazing experience of my entire life. After that "answer" (no, I didn't see God, but it was a powerful manifestation of the Holy Ghost) I was on cloud nine for weeks. I had no idea I had OCD or any disorder whatsoever, but I knew there was a God and He had taken attention to me. I quit smoking and drinking (I was borderline alcoholic at the time... my wife had just left me for another man) and immediately told my parents and a few other people what had happened. I remember recounting the spiritual event to a brother who had fallen away from the church as I did, and I felt the Holy Ghost so strong in my chest I could hardly speak. It felt like joy multiplied by a thousand. Incredible! I became extremely strict with all the commandments and prayed for (what seemed like) hours at a time. I was spiritually "high" (for lack of a better word) and felt very close to the Savior. I talked with Him in my mind all the time.

Then, one day I was at work and I was looking at a picture of the Savior befriending some children, and an evil thought crossed my mind and I almost had a heart attack because of it... this hideous image had given me a full-blown anxiety attack right on the production floor. I won't go into it any further than that. It's very hard on me to recall that experience. Needless to say, the house of cards which was my mental fortitude, came crashing down.

Anyway, from that point on I have dealt with feelings of being a son of perdition, cursed, under the buffetings of satan and chastised by the Lord... you name it. I wished for an end to my mortality on many occassions, but there was always a side of me that wanted to somehow make reparations to my Judge, Lawgiver and King before I shuffled off this mortal coil.

Have you been diagnosed with or treated for any other addictive behaviors or conditions?

I haven't been diagnosed per say with any other addictive/obsessive behaviors, but I'm extremely into bodybuilding right now. Before this all happened, it was computers. I feel I got pretty good at both.

What are the responses of other individuals that become aware of your condition?

"I knew it! I knew you had something like that!" is usually the response. I've been working at the same place for over 10 years, and people know when I sink my teeth into something, look out. I was 240 lbs and I went down to 156 lbs. I went from not knowing how to turn on a computer to repairing pcs, building websites and programming on UNIX platforms in less than two years. It's all I could talk about. Before that it was hockey. Now it's bodybuilding and people are blown away with how I've changed (steroid-free of course. Steroids would ruin the challenge). People say I'm "different" all the time, but they put up with me and I can honestly say I have lots of friends.

When I found out I have OCD, all the pieces of the puzzle came together. Why my marriage fell apart, why I did the stupid selfish things I did. OCD is a very selfish disease btw. It's awful that way.

Do you feel that society can help in some way from preventing this condition from occurring in others? Do you feel that this is an individual condition or if some aspects, i.e. race, religion, gender, economic status, education, etc, play a role in the onset of this condition? Is this condition more prevalent in certain religions over others?

Nope.

In living with this condition what was your daily life entail?

I have good days and bad days like everyone else. However, unlike everyone else I deal with blasphemous thoughts, ruminations and the like everyday, and I am an obsessive person by design so I need to constantly monitor myself so I'm not investing too much in one activity. On a good day, I am cheerful and at peace, and the symptoms of my disorder are like water offa duck's back. On a bad day, I'm high-strung, very antisocial and in constant prayer for mercy and comfort.

When first diagnosed did you deny that you had a problem or did you realize that you had a problem?

Like I said, when I found out I have OCD, all the peices of the puzzle came together. It was like: "why didn't someone figure this out sooner?" It was so obvious.

If you have any other questions, comments or suggestions, please email me.

Thank you for reading my site! God bless you!

[ OCD Resources of the Internet ]
ocdresource.com
ocd friends together (Nice Yahoo! group. Check it out. Make some friends)
Freedom From Fear
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
Mental Help Net - OCD and Tic Disorders
Most Frequently Questions About OCD (informative)
HealthyPlace.com Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

[ Scrupulosity Resources of the Internet ]
Past Forward: Scrupulosity
Fighting Scrupulosity Praying for Help - OCD and Religion

[ You can read my article on the Atonement: ]
Gratitude for the Atonement or my testimony
or my Favorite scriptural verses and quotes
[ The KetoPlan in all it's unedited, half-written glory: ]
The KetoPlan

[1] From "The King Follett Discourse" by Joseph Smith, Sunday Afternoon April 7, 1844.