Quotes from Red Dwarf

Series 1

Episode 1.1: "The End"

Rimmer: "Right! That's it! 'Lister, D., Third Technician. Offence: obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking and being quiet.' When the captain sees this, you're dead."

Rimmer: "Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't Academy educated? Someone who didn't have the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?"
Lister: "You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?"

Lister: "Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose. What would you do with Frankenstein?"
Hollister: "I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it."
Lister: "Would you put it back together when you'd finished?"
Hollister: "Lister, the cat would be dead."
Lister: "So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?"

Todhunter: "The stasis room creates a static field of time. So just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a stasis field. So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for you time itself does not exist. You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero."
Lister: "Ah. Simple as that, eh?"

Lister: "Three million years?! I've still got that library book..."

Holly: "Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with."

Lister: "What's it feel like?"
Rimmer: "Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."

Episode 1.2: "Future Echoes"

Rimmer: "Clock stop! (Checking his watch) 6:47, not a bad little time for the mile. Pity I was only doing the 300 metres..."

Lister: "Rimmer, what have you done to your hair?"
Rimmer: "Holly did it."
Lister: "Why?"
Rimmer: "Because I ordered him to."
Lister: "It looks ridiculous."
Rimmer: "It may look ridiculous to you, Lister, but I like it like this. It makes me feel like a man."
Lister: "Yeah, and you'll probably get one, looking like that..."

Lister: "Look, Rimmer, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days. It doesn't screw your career up like it used to."
Rimmer: "That's what they say, Lister. But if you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick?"

Lister: "You can take two suits and that's it."
Cat: "Two suits? Then I'm staying!"
Lister: "You can't stay. By the time I come out, you'll be dead."
Cat: "Two suits is dead!... Hey! If I cut off my leg and leave it behind, can I take three?"

Rimmer: "Lister, it has happened. You can't change it any more than you can change what you had for breakfast yesterday."
Lister: "Hey, it hasn't happened, has it? It has 'will have going to have happened' happened, but it hasn't actually 'happened' happened yet, actually."
Rimmer: "Poppycock! It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. Simple as that. Your bucket's been kicked, baby."

Cat: "You know, I wish I was someone else. Then I could kiss me."

Lister: "You're right. There's always some good in every situation."
Rimmer: "Absolutely, Lister! And in this case, you're about to do the largest splits you'll ever do in your life.
Lister: "I get blown up then?"
Rimmer: "Bits of you do..."

Rimmer: "You can't whack Death on the head!"
Lister: "If he comes near me I'm gonna rip his nipples off!"

Old Lister: "Hello, Dave. This is me. I mean you. I mean, I am you. This is you aged 171, Dave. I know you're there, because when I was your age, I saw me at my age telling you what I'm about to tell you. You've got to tell you when you get to be me."
Rimmer: "Thank heavens you've still got all your marbles, Lister."

Lister: "Rimmer, I'm going to have two sons! Isn't it fantastic?"
Rimmer: "But one of them dies."
Lister: "Yeah, well, everyone dies. You're born, and you die. The bit in the middle's called life, and that's still to come!"

Episode 1.3: "Balance Of Power"

Cat: "This is my all-time best lucky find I ever found in the whole of today."

Rimmer: "I think I've gone video-blind. Is that painting yours? It's rubbish!"
Lister: "It's a mirror!"

Lister: "Rimmer, do you... do you remember Kristine Kochanski?"
Rimmer: "Navigation Officer? Yes, I remember her. Snooty cow. She used to look down on me. She used to call me 'Rimmer'."
Lister: "Everybody called you Rimmer."
Rimmer: "It's the way she said it, though. 'Rimmer', 'Rimmer' - to rhyme with 'scum'."

Holly: "Ugly? I'll have you know I chose this face out of the billions available because it happened to be the face of the greatest and most prolific lover who ever lived."
Rimmer: "Really? Well he must have operated in the dark a lot."

Rimmer: "And Lister, what's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names. I want places. I want dates."
Lister: "Arnold Rimmer. His locker. This morning."

Cat: "I'm gonna die! I've been fished to death!"

Episode 1.4: "Waiting For God"

Rimmer: "Constantly fails the exam? I'd hardly call eleven times 'constantly'. I mean, if you eat roast beef eleven times in your life, one would hardly say that person constantly eats roast beef. No, it would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence."

Talkie Toaster: "I toast, therefore I am."

Lister: "What's wrong with me face?"
Cat: "What's wrong with your face? It's upside down and inside out, that's what's wrong with it."

Rimmer: "Incredible! A stupendous moment in my own personal history! The perfectly preserved remains of a Quagaar warrior!"
Lister: "Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely."
Rimmer: "They must have looked something like ... a roast chicken."

Episode 1.5: "Confidence & Paranoia"

Holly: "Well, if you erase all the Agatha Christie novels from my memory bank, I can read 'em again tonight."
Lister: "How do I do it?"
Holly: "Just type in 'HolMem. Password override. The novels Christie, Agatha.' Then press erase."
Lister: "I've done it."
Holly: "Done what?"
Lister: "Erased Agatha Christie."
Holly: "Who's she, then?"
Lister: "Holly, you just asked me to erase all Agatha Christie novels from your memory."
Holly: "Why should I do that? I've never heard of her."
Lister: "You've never heard of her 'cause I've just erased her from your smegging memory."
Holly: "What'd you do that for?"
Lister: "You asked me to!"
Holly: "When?"
Lister: "Just now!"
Holly: "I don't remember this."

Lister: "Rimmer! You don't know what love is."
Rimmer: "Oh yes, I do, Lister. Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn."
Lister: "Rimmer... Love is... love is what makes us different from animals."
Rimmer: "No, Lister, what makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.

Cat: "Hey, this has been a good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something."

Rimmer: "It really is gonna be one of those days..."

Confidence: "Hey, now I know what the 'H' stands for. 'Hidiot'! Am I right? Heh heh heh heh heh heh!"
Rimmer: "You are treading a very thin line, miladdo. The 'H' stands for 'Hologram'. I happen to be dead."
Confidence: "Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy."

Rimmer: "Wrong, wrong, absolutely brimming over with wrongability."

Episode 1.6: "Me�"

Lister: "It's not only one-way, you know, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. Easy-To-Live-With."
Rimmer: "What are you talking about?"
Lister: "I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. 'Learn Esperanto While You Sleep', 'Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep'..."
Rimmer: "We both got the same benefit."
Lister: "Yeah, neither of us got any sleep."

Series 2

Episode 2.1: "Kryten"

Rimmer: "How did you get into Art College?"
Lister: "The normal way you get into Art College. The same old, usual, boring, normal way you get in. Failed me exams and applied."

Rimmer: "Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, 'Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston? Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!' And I think we all know what that means."
Holly: "Yeah, it means, 'Could you send for the hall porter? There appears to be a frog in my bidet.'"
Rimmer: "Is it? Well what's that one about 'Your father was a baboon's rump and your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors.'?"

Holly: "Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk."
Lister: "Why?"
Holly: "No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh."

Lister: "Get out of town! Your nickname was never 'Ace'! Maybe 'Ace-hole'."

Kryten: "Is anything the matter?"
Rimmer: "Anything the matter?! They're dead!"
Kryten: "Who's dead?"
Rimmer: "They are dead. They're all dead."
Kryten: "My god! Why, I was only away two minutes!"
Rimmer: "They've been dead for centuries!"
Kryten: "No!"
Rimmer: "Yes!"
Kryten: "Are you a doctor?"
Rimmer: "You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget!"

Kryten: "Well, Mister Arnold is my master now."
Lister: "'Mister Arnold' isn't his name. His name's 'Rimmer'. Or 'Smeghead'. Or 'Dinosaur Breath' or 'Molecule Mind'. And on a very rare occasion when you want to be like really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're talking mega-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you can call him 'Arsehole'."

Lister: "Drop dead, Rimmer."
Rimmer: "Already have done."
Lister: "Encore!"

Cat: "You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? 'Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?'"

Episode 2.2: "Better Than Life"

Lister: "You've got the skutters to help you."
Rimmer: "What, Pinky and smegging Perky? What use are they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses."
Lister: "They only do what you tell them to."
Rimmer: "Ah, but they don't, do they? You say: 'Keep an eye on that lamb.' And they do - they sit there for three hours and watch it burn."

Lister: "Oh, another one for you. 'Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer'?!"
Rimmer: "That's from my mother."
Lister: "Rear Admiral?"
Rimmer: "Every time I take an exam I tell her I've passed. It's getting embarrassing now, I should be Commander-in-Chief of the whole universe."

Lister: "I remember when my dad died, you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple of more people would die so I could complete me Lego set."

Episode 2.3: "Thanks For The Memory"

Lister: "And for this very special occasion I have baked a cake."
Holly: "What's that, then?"
Lister: "It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, 'cause he was a technician."
Holly: "Oh, that's very apt, that is. If he'd been a postman, you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?"
Lister: "Yeah."
Holly: "Gordon Bennet! It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist."

Lister: "What time is it?"
Rimmer: "Saturday."
Lister: "Is that the best you can do?"
Rimmer: "There are some numbers next to it, but they could be anything."

Lister: "So? I mean... You haven't met the right girl yet."
Rimmer: "No, I haven't, Lister. I haven't met the right girl. And some just might say, given the fact that the human race no longer exists, coupled with the fact that I have passed on - some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit on the late side."

Cat: "What is this place?"
Lister: "It's the hologram simulation suite. This is the room that creates Rimmer."
Cat: "Have we come to blow this room up?"

Episode 2.4: "Stasis Leak"

Cat: "(to Rimmer) What is it?"
Rimmer: "It's a rent in the space-time continuum."
Cat: "(to Lister) What is it?"
Lister: "The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room."
Cat: "(to Rimmer) What is it?"
Rimmer: "It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply."
Cat: "(to Lister) What is it?"
Lister: "It's a hole back into the past."
Cat: "Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?"

Rimmer: "Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once... I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall, so he could hurl himself off it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget, one christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper."

Cat: "If he's you and you're him, and you're him and he's him - am I still me?"

Episode 2.5: "Queeg"

Rimmer: "Er... has anybody seen my legs? They don't appear to be below my waist where I normally keep them."

Rimmer: "You are a total, total... a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you are one. And a total, total one of that."
Holly: "Alright, keep your hair on."
Rimmer: "I'm lucky if I can keep my legs on with you in charge!"

Lister: "Hang on, you can't do this. Holly's got an IQ of 6000!"
Holly: "Yeah. Right on."
Queeg: "Is that what he told you?"
Lister: "Well, what is it then?"
Queeg: "It has a six in it, but it's not 6000."
Cat: "What is it?"
Queeg: "Six."
Holly: "Six? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!"

Holly: "Name your game."
Queeg: "Chess."
Holly: "It can be anything. Any game at all."
Queeg: "Chess."
Holly: "Draughts, poker, anything."
Queeg: "Chess."
Holly: "Subbuteo, Snakes and Ladders..."
Queeg: "Chess."
Holly: "Monopoly, maybe? I'll let you go first."
Queeg: "Chess!"
Holly: "So you like a bit of chess, do you?"

Holly: "And the moral of the story is: appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!"

Episode 2.6: "Parallel Universe"

Rimmer: "Well, what is actually out there?"
Holly: "Nothing. Just space."
Rimmer: "Holly, the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth. The further thought occurs that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch."
Holly: "No, no, we have. It's just I don't know where we are. I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed-up."
Rimmer: "What?"
Holly: "It's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger."

Cat: "You're thinking too negative! Think of all the glorious, beautiful, wonderous things about having children!"
Lister: "Like?"
Cat: "Like when they grow up and leave home."

Series 3

Episode 3.1: "Backwards"

Lister: "This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?"
Cat: "You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation."
Lister: "She'll never leave Fred, and we know it."

Rimmer: "What's the time period?"
Holly: "Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all the available data, I would estimate it's round about ... lunchtime, maybe half-one."
Rimmer: "What period in history, dingleberry-breath? I mean can we expect to see Ghengis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill? Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure? What is the year?"
Holly: "Well, I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer."
Rimmer: "Like?"
Holly: "Well, this year's calendar'd be handy!"

Kryten: "But if people see my face, what are they going to think?"
Rimmer: "Tell them you had an accident. Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out!"

Cat: "Is that what I think it is?"
Lister: "What d'you think it is?"
Cat: "An orange whirly thing in space."

Cat: "Thankski verski muchski, budski!"

Lister: "Or Santa Claus - what a bastard!"
Rimmer: "Eh?"
Lister: "He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid's favourite toys!"

Episode 3.2: "Marooned"

Lister: "Well, now I can see why dogs lick their testicles. It's to take away the taste of the food."

Episode 3.4: "Body Swap"

Holly: "I've been through the whole of my database, collated every single option, and there are three realistic alternatives. One: sit here and get blown up. Two: stand here and get blown up. Three: jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up."

Lister: "Oh smeg! What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done? He's smeggin' killed me!"

Episode 3.5: "Timeslides"

Rimmer: "You know, I stand here now, and I look at the two of us and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your 58 houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion-pound business empire or me with... with... with what I've got. ... It's you, isn't it? Yes, it's all very clear to me now. You... richer and happier."

Series 4

Episode 4.1: "Camille"

Lister: "Cat. Cat, come here. Come here. Check this. Check this."
Cat: "Check what?"
Lister: "Concentrate, Kryten. (shows banana) What's this?"
Kryten: "It's a banana."
Lister: "(shows orange) What's this?"
Kryten: "It's an orange."
Lister: "(shows apple) What's this?"
Kryten: "Apple."
Cat: "You taught him that? That's terrific. You two should audition for 'What's my fruit?'"

Episode 4.2: "DNA"

Rimmer: "So this machine can transform any living thing into any other living thing, by altering it's molecular structure?"
Kryten: "Precisely."
Rimmer: "And it turned Lister into a chicken."
Kryten: "So it seems."
Cat: "Question is, can we turn him back again?"
Rimmer: "The question is, do we want to?"

Episode 4.4: "White Hole"

Kryten: "Listen. Can anyone hear anything?"
Cat: "No."
Kryten: "Precisely. No one can hear anything. And you know why we can't hear anything?"
Rimmer: "Why?"
Kryten: "Because there are no sounds to hear."

Kryten: "Well, the Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
Rimmer: "Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: 'No chance, you metal bastard.'"

Episode 4.5: "Dimension Jump"

Ace: "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."

Holly: "Purple alert! Purple alert!"
Lister: "What's a purple alert?"
Holly: "Well, it's something like not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert. Kind of a mauve alert..."

Cat: "Lose my leg? Hey, that's terrible. None of my suits will fit!"

Series 5

Episode 5.1: "Holoship"

Cat: "Why don't we drop the defensive shields?"
Kryten: "A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice."

Kryten: "They've taken Mr. Rimmer. Sir! They've taken Mr. Rimmer!"
Cat: "Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!"

Rimmer: "Was it ok?"
Crane: "It was... different."
Rimmer: "Different?"
Crane: "You make love like a Japanese meal: small portions, but so many courses."

Lister: "But of course, there's one or two other people that we have to see, but in theory if we offered you the post of replacement hologram would you accept?"
Harrison: "No."
Lister: "No."
Harrison: "No, I think, erm, I'm better off where I am."
Cat: "But you're dead!"
Harrison: "And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more."

Rimmer: "Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say ... that over the years ... I have come to regard you ... as ... people ... I met."

Episode 5.2: "The Inquisitor"

Rimmer: "So, Kryten, you've heard of this Inquisitor?"
Kryten: "Only as a myth, a dark fable, a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror."
Rimmer: "A simple 'yes' would have sufficed."

Kryten: "That is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless."
Rimmer: "We're in big trouble."

Kryten: "Look, sir, I've got to go back in time and sacrifice myself in order that we can get into this mess we're now in the first place."

Episode 5.3: "Terrorform"

Kryten: "Kryten personal black box recording. Time - unknown. Location - unknown. Cause of accident - unknown. Should someone find this recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here."

Holly: "Well, I don't want to spread any panic or alarm."
Lister: "What d'ya mean, you don't wanna spread panic and alarm?"
Holly: "Well, you've always had this thing against tarantulas, haven't you?"
Lister: "Tarantulas?"
Holly: "I mean you've never been overly fond of them as a species, have you?"
Lister: "Well, no."
Holly: "And the prospect of waking up and finding one crawling over your clammy, naked, helpless body has always filled you with a kind of cold dread?"
Lister: "Well, yeah. What are ya trying to say to me, Holly?"
Holly: "I'm saying it might not be your night."

Lister: "Remember, it's Rimmer's mind out there. Expect sickness."

Maid 1: "We are going to summon the Master."
Rimmer: "The Master?"
Maid 2: "You have been prepared for him."
Rimmer: "This Master character - and I acknowledge I may not want to know the full answer to this one - but why does he want me oily in particularly? Obviously, whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?"
Maid 1: "He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity."
Rimmer: "Not the best news, but it could have been worse."

Rimmer: "Self-loathing? I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?"
Kryten: "Would you like the list, sir?"
Rimmer: "What list?"
Kryten: "Well. There's the fact that you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards; the fact that your three brothers were all such high flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines; there's your inability to form long term relationships with anyone; your cowardliness; your lack of charm, honour, or grace; and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life no one has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable."
Rimmer: "Oh, that."
Kryten: "Please don't interrupt, sir. I'm only halfway through my list. Now where was I? Oh yes -"
Lister: "I think he's got the point, Kryten."
Rimmer: "God, I'm such a mess."

Cat: "OK. I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior-birdman the hell out of here."
Kryten: "An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the ... outside the fictional serial 'Robbie Rocket Pants'."
Cat: "Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan."

Kryten: "Sirs, I think I have it. The real enemy is not out there, it is in Starbug with us. The real enemy is inside Mr. Rimmer's head."
Cat: "Nice plan. So we remove his head and everything's cool, right?"

Episode 5.4: "Quarantine"

Rimmer: "Why does he only ever use them against me? Why never against Lister? Why do we never hear him quoting Space Corps directives that clearly state, 'No crew-member should floss his teeth with the E-string of his guitar after spraying the entire contents of his sugar puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk?' We never hear that one, do we?"

Dr. Lanstrom: "Hello. My name is Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom and I am quite, quite mad."
Rimmer: "Are you really? How absolutely splendid."
Dr. Lanstrom: "I have a riddle for you. What's dead and dead and dead all over?"
Rimmer: "Give in, Dr. Fruit-Loop. Do tell me."
Dr. Lanstrom: "Yooooooouuuuuuu!!!"

Rimmer: "So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?!"

Episode 5.5: "Demons And Angels"

Holly: "Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is not a daffodil!"

High Cat: "I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfilment."
Cat: "That's weird. Because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfilment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes."

Episode 5.6: "Back To Reality"

Cat: "Hey, wait a minute! I've got it! Don't fish swim south for the winter?"
Kryten: No, that's birds, sir."
Cat: "Birds swim south for the winter?! How do they breathe?"

Lister: "There's only three alternatives. It thinks we're either a threat, food, or a mate. It's gonna either kill us, eat us, or hump us."

Series 6

Episode 6.1: "Psirens"

Cat: "There's an old Cat proverb: 'It's better to live one hour as a tiger than a whole lifetime as a worm.'"
Rimmer: "There's an old human proverb: 'Whoever heard of a wormskin rug?'"

Rimmer: "There. Some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. Psirens."
Kryten: "The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines."
Rimmer: "Who would do that?"
Lister: "Someone who badly needed a pen."

Lister: "The point is, they use this power of illusion to lure you onto the asteroids. Then they strip the ship of whatever they can use... and then suck out your brains."
Rimmer: "They shouldn't bother us then. There's barely a snack on board."

Cat: "More trouble and it's heading straight for us."
Lister: "What is it?"
Cat: "What are you calling those giant meteorites that are all covered in flames?"
Lister: "A giant, flaming meteorite?"
Cat: "That's it."

Kryten: "I'm almost annoyed."

Episode 6.2: "Legion"

Cat: "I hate to go all technical on you, but... all hands on deck, swirly thing alert!"

Rimmer: "Step up to Red Alert!"
Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."

Rimmer: "Know this about me: like General George S. Patton, I believe in reincarnation. It is my firm conviction that in all my previous lives I've been a soldier, a bold warrior soul, who tragedly in this incarnation has been given the body of an abject coward. So excuse me, gentlemen, while I have a humiliating panic attack under the scanner table."

Rimmer: "We've got to persuade him to come with us. He'd get us back to Earth in weeks! And what a team we'd make. Legion with his scientific genius, intellect, culture and sophistication, and us with... with..."
Lister: "With our Red Alert bulb."

Cat: "There's just one thing that still baffles me."
Rimmer: "What's that?"
Cat: "Everything."

Episode 6.3: "Gunmen Of The Apocalypse"

Kryten: "Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee."
Lister: "Two more bowls."
Kryten: "But I am sober. Honest!"
Lister: "Ok, who are you and why're you here?"
Kryten: "I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus, and none of this exists, it's all in a fever, except for you guys, who really do exist, only you're not really here, you're really on some space ship in the future. Hell, if that's got to make sense I don't want to be sober!"

Episode 6.4: "Emohawk - Polymorph II"

Rimmer: "Would it harm you to have hair like mine?"
Cat: "I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head."

Episode 6.5: "Rimmerworld"

Cat: "There's an old Cat saying: 'If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones.'"
Rimmer: "There's an old human saying: 'If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain.'"

Cat: "All in all, a hundred percent successful trip."
Kryten: "Sir, we lost Mister Rimmer!"
Cat: "All in all, a hundred percent successful trip."

Kryten: "Sir, I didn't get the oppurtunity to tell you before, but earlier today I discovered Mr. Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous disorder."
Lister: "The next time I see him he'll be suffering from a fist-related teeth disorder."

Lister: "There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the Bug."
Kryten: "Or we could use the teleporter."
Lister: "Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter."

Episode 6.6: "Out Of Time"

Rimmer: "Better dead than smeg!"

Series 7

Episode 7.2: "Stoke Me A Clipper"

Lister: "The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg does that mean?"
Kryten: "Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco."

Ace: "Arnie, up for a stroll?"
Rimmer: "Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather spear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle it in a pool of hungry piranhas."
Ace: "I'll take that as a no, then."

Ace: "Skipper, you can't judge a book by it's cover."
Lister: "And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine."

Rimmer (as Ace): "Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas... Whatever."

Series 8

Episode 8.1: "Back In The Red - Part One"

Cat: "According to the desk we've lost all the engines! Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly?"

Kryten: "You know these people, sir?"
Lister: "Know them - when they've been drunk and unconscious, I've taken their clothes off and painted parts of them green. Of course I know them. This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie."

Lister: "I need some info. If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what happens then?"
Holly: "Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat, and go home, I suppose."
Lister: "What happens to us, you divvy, not them!"

Episode 8.3: "Back In The Red - Part Three"

Rimmer: "What about me?"
Kryten: "Well, suggest we persuade you to come with us, sir, or, failing that, we bludgeon you unconscious."

Lister: "What do you say, man? The old Rimmer was a vital member of the team. He performed essential functions we've never replaced."
Rimmer: "What did he do?"
Lister: "Dunno, really. He, erm... he was, erm... he was, erm... ah! Head of Safety!"
Rimmer: 'Head of Safety', that's a hell of a title! But what did he actually do?"
Lister: "He sought out danger; he sought out peril. And then he advised us the best way to run away from it."

Cat: "Einstein? Wasn't he the dude who discovered America?"
Rimmer: "Einstein dicovered the Theory of Relativity."
Cat: "Where did he discover it? Was it fossilised and stuff?"
Rimmer: "The Theory of Relativity is... What is the Theory of Relativity?"
Lister: "Yeah, what is it, Hol?"
Holly: "Bit busy at the moment, Dave."
Lister: "Just tell us what it is. In sort of simple layman's terms."
Holly: "It's a theory."
Lister: "Yeah, but what is it?"
Holly: "Oh, you want it more complicated than that, do you?"
Lister: "What does it mean?"
Holly: "It's the Theory of Relativity. You know, it's the theory you only tell your relatives."
Rimmer: "It's so sad. Holly's supposed to have an IQ of 6000, now I doubt he can even spell IQ."

Rimmer: "This is reality? But how can we be sure?"
Cat: "Why do we care? Nothing makes any sense no matter where we are."

Episode 8.4: "Cassandra"

Rimmer: "What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy."
Lister: "What are you on about? You had none of that stuff."
Rimmer: "You're right, I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy!"

Lister: "It's only two years. What with good behaviour it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born and then you were eighteen months - the time just flashed past."
Rimmer: "It flashed past because you had two breasts, big as your head, at your beck and call, day and night. Give me that now and I wouldn't be wingeing."

Rimmer: "In the nineteenth century, when miners went down a pit, they'd lower a canary down first in a little cage..."
Lister: "What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth century, weren't they, eh? I mean, how much coal can a little canary get?"
Rimmer: "... And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did."
Lister: "Complained to the foreman?"
Rimmer: "It died, Listy. The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people."

Lister: "When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around, you know what I'm saying? It's like playing golf - I concentrate on me grip, keep me eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side."

Rimmer: "So what happens now? How... How do I die?"
Cassandra: "Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun."
Rimmer: "Can you just double-check that?!"
Cassandra: "I've seen it, it's what happens. In the old laundry room."
Rimmer: "So let me just repeat what I think you're saying... Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman - the really attractive one you saw earlier - me and her, we're in bed, giving it riz, when Lister, that's the short dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love with Kochanski?"
Cassandra: "That is what is going to happen."
Rimmer: "Fantastic!!!"

Episode 8.5: "Krytie TV"

Rimmer: "Here's one for you."
Lister: "Who from?"
Rimmer: "Petersen... My God, that is tragic."
Lister: "What's happened to him, has he died?"
Rimmer: "Died? You think he'd write and tell you?"

Lister: "Why would they take me strings? It doesn't make sense..."
Rimmer: "Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with."
Lister: "I wouldn't want to hang meself if I had me guitar strings."
Rimmer: "I think they were thinking of me..."

Ackerman: "I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night. She thinks my eyes are my loveliest feature. If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF LOVELY!"

Episode 8.6: "Pete - Part One"

Lister: "It's that Mister Ackerman's so ... horrible, sir."
Ackerman: "I am not, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm, caring, but most of all nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered the service, sir, so I could share my sunny disposition with inmate scum who didn't have my start in life."

Cat: "There's an old Cat saying, which has particular relevance here. It goes something like this: 'we are all gonna die!'"

Episode 8.7: "Pete - Part Two"

Lister: "Hol, need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation?"
Holly: "What do you want, the long or the short version?"
Lister: "Ooh... long."
Holly: "You're finished."
Cat: "What's the short version??"
Holly: "Bye."

Episode 8.8: "Only The Good..."

Dispensing Machine: "You are my nemesis. One day our paths will cross again and I will destroy you."
Rimmer: "And on that day I'll be the captain of this ship."

Rimmer: "That's not a scar. That's a nick. That is a scar."
Lister: "Where'd you get that?"
Rimmer: "From a fight, years ago. Duel."
Lister: "A duel? You? Get out of town."
Rimmer: "Not a duel. 'Duel' - the old Steven Spielberg movie. A friend of mine attacked me with the video case. Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back though. I peed in his mum's steam iron, he had yellow t-shirts for a week."

Rimmer: "Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!"

More coming soon!

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