2.26.03, 4:07 pm
2.23.03, 4:29 pm
2.21.03, 12:52 am
2.20.03
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• 2.26.03, 4:07 pm - All Right, Who Told?: I've been getting an awful lot of e-mails lately from companies that specialize in Natural Male Enhancement...in simpler terms, penis enlargement.  Somebody seems intent on helping me improve my confidence and my sense of self-worth.  I even got one e-mail that offered a way to "get a more vascular-looking (veinier) penis."  By the way, I didn't add the word "veinier" in parentheses...that's the way it showed up in the subject of the e-mail.  At this point I'm thinking two things: 1) Thank you for explaining to me what "vascular-looking" means.  2) Why do I need a veinier penis?  I've been thinking of ways to write this up to make it funnier for the past few days, but I think I'll just leave it there before it gets stupid...too late.

By the way, if you haven't checked out the Flash Site of the Moment on Sean's website, do.  For those of you who would rather pry your eyes out with a lollipop than visit Sean's site, here's a link directly to the flash site.  (And if you really would rather pry your eyes out with a lollipop, check out "Eye Candy" once you get there.)

In other news, I'm close to accepting a part-time job offer in Des Moines.  More details to come...

• 2.23.03, 4:29 pm - I Am Always With You:  One day while sneaking around on Andy and Aaron 's computer, I came across a bookmark for a website with different images of Jesus watching over people while they perform their jobs.  Very reminiscient of Conan O'Brien's Jesus figurines, if you've ever seen those.  I thought we'd take a look at a few of the pictures and attempt to make some humorous comments...

 
 

- Carpenter

"You know in my day, being a carpenter was pretty popular with the ladies."
 
 
 
 

 

 - Golfer

"Did you see Tiger come back from that surgery to win that tournament?  Man, that was sweet!  Also, why am I buried in the ground up to my thighs?"
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

- Beautician

"You know how they say 'Physician, heal thyself?'  Well... 'Beautician, make thyself over, girl!'"
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

- Dentist

"What do you say we get out the laughing gas again?"
 
 
 
 
 
 

• 2.21.03, 12:52 am - The New Threat to America: Dear friends, I have decided I will continue to update this website at least once more (that being this time), for I feel the need to come forward with information I have been withholding from the American public for too long.  For years, we have been worrying about traditional terrorists and dictators. - Kim Jong-Il of North Korea is a nutball, but his weakness is his apparent affinity for American television.  Rumor has it he cried when Joe Millionaire picked Zora, and he voted for Melissa Rivers to take the next Bushtucker Trial on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here."

By the time "Are You Hot?" chooses the sexiest people in America, Kim Jong-Il will be too busy trying to get International Heartthrob Lorenzo Lamas to return his phone calls to worry about his nuclear weapons program.

- Osama Bin Laden hasn't been seen for over a year.  He's released plenty of audio recordings lately, but that's not necessarily proof that he's alive... Tupac died years ago but still releases new albums every six months.

But Osama's newest work is largely uninspired, and his aging audience reflects his aging talents.  His hit duet with Avril Lavigne not withstanding, Osama's recording career is effectively over.
 
 

- Saddam Hussein doesn't actually exist.  He's really a computer-generated figure controlled by Hollywood movie producer Al Pacino.  Unfortunately, Pacino has lost control of Hussein, who is now a sentient being hellbent on acquiring weapons of mass destruction, but since he's just a computer program, he's no actual threat to America.

Or was that was a movie called "Simone"...?  No, I'd remember that.  I'm pretty sure I'm right on this.

My fellow Americans, the real threat is greater than any of us can truly comprehend.  He is a sick, twisted variation of everything we consider good and wholesome...

- Yes, this unholy evil of which I speak is Garth Knight, original model for the surgically-altered Michael Knight.  Unbeknownst to the American public, Garth has been plotting since he was reimprisoned more than 15 years ago.
 
 

- CIA operatives report Garth has been acquiring SMDs (semis of mass destruction)--much like his behemoth creation Goliath--for the past 11 years.  So far, at least 18 of these vehicles have been discovered...imagine trying to find 18 Goliaths driving on the thousands of miles of roads in California...a state the size of Iraq.

In fact, FBI agents report Garth appears to be trying to aqcuire the means to raise the original Goliath out of the Pacific Ocean and install the consciousness of KARR, evil twin of the Knight Industries 2000 (KITT).  Imagine the strength of Goliath combined with the intelligence and malice of KARR, then multiply that by 18 and imagine them running all over California.  It's enough to make me raise my own personal terror alert level from Code Orange to Code Brown if you know what I mean.

On the other hand, if Garth succeeds in his attempt to conquer the Golden State with his fleet of semis, there is a silver lining... free leisure suits and unnecessary walking sticks for everybody.

• 2.20.03 - Well, Here It Is: Welcome to my website.  Over the next few days, weeks, months, and perhaps years (or three days...when I will decide I don't want to do this anymore), I'll be keeping you up to date on my life.  By you, I mean me, because I'm likely the only person who will look at this.

But I've decided to start this site for the same reason I do anything technologically-related...everyone else is doing it.  It happened with e-mail, it happened with IM, it happened with my cell phone (although I have since gotten rid of that without missing it very often)...and now there's this.

Unfortunately, due to a lack of power on the computer I'm using and a lack of knowledge and imagination on my part, this site will look sad for some time to come.  So...enjoy...or something.