When you're walking down the streets of New York City and you're stepping over a guy on the sidewalk who... I dont know, might be dead... does it ever occur to you to think that "Wow, maybe our system doesn't work"
Anybody could be a bum... all it takes is the right girl, the right bar, and the right friends.
If you're smoking out of a hole in your neck... I'd think about quitting.
The fact that we live in a world where John Lennon was murdered but Barry Manilow continues to put out albums... If you're gonna kill someone, at least have some taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house, alright?
What's happened to us? After eight years of Ronald Regan and yuppies, we live on the third mall from the sun now.
Go back to the mall that spawned you.
I remember when music had a conscience, music had soul, and music had balls.
One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad's car, he has one of those talking cars. We're tripping and the car goes, "The door is ajar"... we pulled over and thought about that for twelve hours.
George Bush says that we are losing the war on drugs. You know what that implies? That there is actually a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it.
He's an idiot... he's dead. Good. One less doorknob in the world.
All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness, experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.
Oh, sorry. I was taking life seriously.
I picture nuclear war, two things surviving: Keith Richards and bugs. "Where'd everybody go? I saw a bright light and thought I was on."
No one has ever died for a flag. A flag is a piece of cloth. They might have died for freedom, which, by the way, is the freedom also to burn the flag.
I can't have a job, I need my sleep
Remember summer vacations with your folks? Does anybody get the concept behind that? We didn't get along in a five bedroom house, Dad's idea was to put us all in a car and drive through the desert during the hottest time of the year.
Let's hunt and kill Billy Ray Cyrus.
(We celebrate Easter) commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. I wonder why we're fucked up as a race.
I'm gonna capture me a Gideon. I'm gonna make that my hobby. I'm gonna call the front desk (of a hotel) one day and say, "Yeah, I don't seem to have a Bible in my room."
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.
Please, give me the satan-worshipping family down the block. The ones that have the good albums.
It's funny how people act on their beliefs: pro-lifers murdering doctors.
What does your family tree look like, a stump?
I hate patriotism. It's a round world last time I checked.
I don't know how you all feel about it... gays want to be in the military. Here's how I feel about it: anyone dumb enough to want to be in the military should be allowed in. End of story.
Put on a helmet, go wait in that foxhole. We'll tell you when we need you to kill somebody.
Go back to bed, America. Your government is under control.
You do a commercial, you're off the artistic rollcall forever. That goes for everyone except Willie Nelson.
Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day...
Evolution did not end with us growing thumbs, you do know that, don't you?
The reason our traditional religions are all crumbling is that they're no longer relevant.
Why do we put people on drugs in jail. They're sick, not criminals.
People always snap and think they're Jesus. Why don't more people snap and think they're Buddha? Particularly in America where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus.
All governments are liars and murderers.
I love watching the Pope bounce around in his little Pope-mobile... with the three feet of bulletproof plexiglass around him. Boy, there's faith in action.
The message of Christianity is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love.
And I knew Billy Clinton became one of the boys when he bombed Iraq... he launched 22 cruise missles against Baghdad in retaliation for the alleged assassination attempt against George Bush, which failed. We killed 6 innocent people launching 22 three-million dollar apiece missles on Baghdad. I think that's a little bit overdiong it, if you ask me. You know what we should have done, we should've embarased the Iraquis. Here's how we could do it: WE should've assassinated Bush and said "that's how you do it, don't fuck with us." And, you see, if Bush had been the one who died, there would've been no loss of innocent life.
There is no future, there's no such thing, it doesn't exist.
I'll meet you at the evolution bellcurve. I'll be sitting there awhile.
Your children are not special. I know you think they're special. I'm just trying to tell you, they're not.
Chicks dig jerks
I'll be the only guy going through the gates of heaven with his mom spanking him
(about the Gulf War) It wasn't really a war. A war is when two armies are fighting.
(about the Gulf War) It was pretty incredible watching missiles fly down air vents. But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people?
Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world. Maybe... but after the three largest armies, there's a reeeeeeeaaallly big fucking dropoff. The Hari Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got our airports.
(about the Gulf War) Iraq had 150,000 casualties, the United States: 79. Does that mean that if we had sent 80 people over there we would've still won the goddamn thing?
In England where no-one has guns:14 deaths from handguns. In the United States... 23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a communist to make one, between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone. 14 deaths from handguns in England... and they were probably all done by American tourists too.
They don't have guns in England but they have a high crime rate, which goes to show how polite the English really are.
Oh my God, we're being invaded by rednecks... my biggest fear.
Would you let the aliens land please, they might be here to pick me up.
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think that when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see another cross?
There's no way you can top the stunts (in Terminator 2) unless... they start using terminally ill patients as stunt people for films... Do you want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some hospital room... or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris?
Non-smokers die everyday. Sleep tight.
If you quit smoking, you get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I've got news for you. I don't want my sense of smell back.
I just cannot believe in the war against drugs when they've got anti-drug commercials all day on TV followed by "This Bud's for you."
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor... go home tonight and take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CD's and burn them. Because you know what, the musicians that have made all that great music that has enhanced your life throughout the years: Rrrrrrrrreally fucking high on drugs. Man, the Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.
The musicians today who don't do drugs and, in fact, speak out against it: "We're rock against drugs"... boy they suck.
The supreme court says that pornography is anything that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thought. Hmm... sounds like every commercial on television, doesn't it?
After the show, some guys came up to me and said, "We're Christians and we don't like what you said." I said, "Then forgive me."
What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being on this planet?
Children are smarter than any of us... I don't know one child with a full-time job or children of his own.
(About L.A.) Hot and sunny every day, and they love it... what are you, a fucking lizard?
L.A. is a nightmare city and the sooner it falls into the ocean due to a major earthquake and is flushed away like the terd city it is into the Pacific bowl, the better the world will be... leaving nothing but a cool, beautiful serenity called Arizona Bay
People come up to me and say "Bill, stop talking about the Kennedy thing, man. It was a long time ago, why don't you just forget about it?" Okay, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
(When Clinton defeated George Bush) I read a quote in the paper two days after the election by Saddam Hussein... he says "we have nothing against America, we just want to see George Bush beheaded and his head kicked down the road like a soccer ball." I was thinking, "that's so weird, because that's exactly what I want to see."
We arm these little countries and then we send troops over to blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world.
God, help us. God, are you there? Surely this is a really bad fucking joke, God. This B-actor idiot fucking illiterate bozo-looking fuck can't be the president of the country, can he? Reach down from the clouds and pinch my butt, make sure I'm not dreaming.
(about fundamentalist Christian views on dinosaur fossils) "God put those here to test our faith"... does that bother anyone here to think that God might be fucking with our heads. God's running around burying fossils... "I'm a prankster God. We'll see who believes in me now."
Have you ever noticed that people who believe in creationism look really un-evolved? "I believe God created me in one day"... looks like He rushed it.
(About the controversy around women priests) now they've got priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising... kill yourself.
Don't turn everything into a dollar sign, please.
Ted Bundy, the mass-murderer has received hundreds of love-letters and wedding proposals. My first thought is: ...and I'm not getting laid.
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