Goku vs The Fruitcake

*It is a lovely snowy day in Japan…*

(Does it snow in Japan?)

(Shut up Ian!)

*…anyway, it is a lovely day in Japan as Christmas draws near. Goku is alone in the house, writing his list to Santa Claus*

Goku: And a pony, and a lifetime supply of food, and for Vegata to actually like me…no forget that, that’s impossible. Um, and a really cute kitten…

*Ding dong!*

Goku: Now who could that be? Hmmmm…Chi Chi there…Gohan there…Vegeta…no, he’d just knock the door down…um… *goes on and on on who it could be, finally arriving to…* it must be Chaozu!

(That’s blatent favortism!)

(Ian, SHUT THE HELL UP!)

(Don’t you tell me to shut up! I am nahognos, the greatest…um, no, the funniest…um, no…I am the famed Super Idiot! I…AHHHHH! *Ash drags Ian out to the train tracks near his house and ties the crazy author to them in hopes of a train coming along and doing something very messy*)

(He won’t interrupt anymore)

Goku: *opens door* Hello Cha…huh, no one’s here…ohhh, what’s this? *looks down at a package at his feet* What could this be?

*Dramatic music plays*

Goku: Huh? Is the stereo malfuntioning again? Oh well, yay a gift! Let’s see what it is…*unwraps it* What the…?

*Inside the box…is the most dreaded thing about Christmas! Worse then the frenzied shopping! Worse then the budget crises that arise! Worse then the fact that the holiday has been murdered by corperate greed! (I’m in a cynical mood, sue me) It is the worst, most terrible horrible thing in all of Christmas…dom! It is…A FRUITCAKE!*

Goku: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s the lone food that even I won’t eat! I must get rid of it!

*Goku picks up the piece of "food" and throws it out the door and into the middle of the woods.*

Goku: There, that wasn’t so… *turns around and sees the fruitcake on a table behind him* YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Ok, I’ll just throw you farther! *picks up the cake and hurls it into the horizon. It spirals into Satan City*

Vegeta; *shopping* ARGGHHHH! If one more annoying thing happens, I am going to blow something up!

*Fruitcake crashes through the roof and lands on his head*

Vegeta: THAT’S IT! *goes SSJ and starts blowing up the store*

Goku: *back at his house* There, that… *turns around to see the fruitcake sitting on the table again* YEEEKKKKKKK! That’s IT!

*Goku flies outside with the fruitcake and winds up before he hurls the fruitcake out across the ocean. It flies to the United States and lands on the head of Unforgiven II, but his skull is so thick he doesn’t ever notice*

Goku: Ah…..at last I am free of *wanna guess what he sees when he gets back in his house?* IIIIYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Ok, NO MORE MR NICE SAIYA-JIN!

*Goku powers up and ki blasts the fruitcake.*

Goku: There. Not even…*the smoke clears to reveal the fruitcake is undamaged* ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

*Goku throws a barrage of ki blasts at the fruitcake, completely demolishing his house in the process*

Goku: *panting* Man, Chi Chi’s gonna be pissed…but at last…I am free…oh no! *The smoke clears to reveal the fruitcake is still undamaged* AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

*Goku goes SSJ and throws a gigantic storm of ki blasts at the fruitcake, blowing up the mountain he lives on and all the forests around him.*

Goku: Well, I was getting sick of living in the wilderness anyway…oh no no NO! *smoke clears to reveal the fruitcake is still undamaged*

*A strange look comes over Goku’s face, and as fury fills his eyes, Spirit vs Spirit starts to play…*

(STOP THE FIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

"Oh god, not you guys again!" Ash The Wanderer (aka me) said as three familiar lawyers came into his room. "I didn’t do anything that had anything to do with Nik Nak this time!"

"We don’t represent Nik Nak anymore, after we accidentaly called her a he. Ow, I still have lumps." Said the head lawyer, as his burly companions towered over Ash again. "I now represent the escate of…of…" the lawyer said as he struggled to read the Japanese name. "…Of this guy, the composer of Spirit vs Spirit! He orders you to stop this unauthorized usage immediately! And may I add that this time that my friends and I are wearing rubber chicken proof clothing!"

"Oh really? Too bad for you I switched to Scuba Steve." Ash said, pulling out the large action figure. The lawyer’s eyes widened.

"Oh no."

WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK!

"Idiots." Ash muttered as he shoved the unconscious bodies out of his room. "But I’ll respect the guy who wrote that song…hmmm, let’s see…"

 

*A new song, one that sounds VERY simular to Spirit vs Spirit, starts up. The new song, called Spirit vs Dessert, keeps playing as Goku loses it*

Goku: AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *goes SSJ19…and stops when he feels a strange sensation on the top of his head* What the…AHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M BALD!

*Indeed, Goku’s hair is gone. Goku keeps feeling the top of his head until he finds a note*

Goku: "Dear Goku, I am tired of the constant new shapes and colours your powers are constantly putting me. I signed on to be your spiky one-styled black hair and nothing more. I have endured as much as I can, but after seeing what kind of shape I would have become at Super Saiya-jin Level Nineteen, I have decided to terminate our agreement. Good luck finding a toupee that matches me. Sincerely, your hair." AHHHH! I look like Krillian’s older brother! I must find some new hair! I can’t do this without hair!

(Some time later)

Vegeta: *waking up in the ruins of the shopping mall after Bulma stole a page from Chi Chi and bashed him with a frying pan for blowing up the mall* Owwww…has that woman been working out…hey, wait a minute…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY HAIR!

Goku: *back at the crator, now with Vegeta’s hair on his head* Good thing I found that superglue! Well, I may look like a troll, but I have hair! Now, fruitcake, prepare to meet your doom! *goes SSJ* KAMEHAMEHA!

*A massive explosion levels more of the landscape, and when the smoke clears…the fruitcake is still undamaged. Spirit vs Dessert begins to play again as the same funny look comes into Goku’s eyes*

Goku: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! *goes SSJ19 again, and his hair becomes…well, let’s just say he makes a peacock look like nothing* DIE! SUPER MEGA ULTRA TURBO BURNING ULTIMATE SHINING REALLY REALLY PAINFUL KAMEHAMEHA!

*The blast blows up Earth, all the surrounding planets, the sun, the solar system, the Milky Way Galaxy, and several of the surrounding galaxies. Goku is now floating in a massive void, his power keeping him alive…and the fruitcake is still undamaged*

Goku: No…what else can I possibly…

Fruitcake: MWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Thank you Son Goku!

Goku: Wha? You’re alive?

Fruitcake: Yes! For eons I have been passed hand to hand, never being eaten but instead being sent on! I have been rejected from everything! So I have been gathering power from whenever I could, to prepare for this day! I expected it would take another trillion years before I had enough power, but your efforts have charged me to my limits and beyond! At last, revenge will be mine! I will destroy the earth and everything else!

Goku: Um, I already kinda did that.

Fruitcake:….Oh yeah. But that won’t stop me! I AM THE MIGHTY FRUITCAKE!

*The fruitcake waves…well, it does the closest thing to a wave that it can, and suddenly everything is back to the way it was. Shen Long and Poranga immediately begin clamoring to Akira Toriyama for the power to do that, who briefly stops counting all the money he made from DBZ to tell them to shut up*

Fruitcake: It is done! At long last, revenge is mine! You shall pay for always making me the gift for someone you didn’t like!

Goku: What can I do…it’s power is beyond anything I have ever felt…I cannot stop it…unless I do the unthinkable…it seems impossible…BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE!

Fruitcake: First…What? NO!

*Goku reaches out and grabs the fruitcake…and does what no man could have ever beared to do…HE EATS IT!*

Goku: *chew…chew…chew…swallow* Hey, that wasn’t so bad! It was a tad burnt, but beside that…well, back home I go!

*uses Instantaneous Movement to teleport to Satan City…only to find everyone he knows and a bunch of other people looking at him*

Goku: Uh…hi! What’s going on…?

Random Person: You have commited a blasphemy against all living things…you have ingested a fruitcake! We can no longer let you touch food, lest it be corrupted by the fruitcake within you!

Goku: *screaming* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Goku screamed as he sat up. He looked around and sighed, and then turned to Chi Chi.

"Oh Chi Chi…I had the worst dream…about fruitcake and no food and having to have Vegeta’s hair style…"

"Bud. Weis. Er." Chi Chi’s three frog heads croaked back.

 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Goku screamed as he tumbled out of bed. Chi Chi jerked up at the noise, then looked down at her husband.

"That’s it Goku! No more chocolate chip and sushi pizzas with beer before bedtime for you ever again!"

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good fight!