How It Didn't Happen

 

It was a deliriously happy and peaceful day at Capsule Corporations. The sun smiled, shining its rays onto the world it loved so, and birds twittered melodically as they flew through the air. The squirrels chitter-chattered as they romped gaily with the chipmunks. A group of young children played on the sidewalk outside Capsule Corporations, their hands joined as they skipped around in a circle merrily. Oh, how they skipped!

The doors to Capsule Corporations building opened, and out came Bulma Briefs. She saw the children playing their joyful game of Ring-Around-the-Rosy and laughed as she joined them. The children graciously let her into the circle, and they continued to frolic, reveling in all that was pure and good. Oh, how they reveled!

Suddenly, dark clouds appeared over the once bright horizon. Bulma and the children stopped their dancing, watching in fear as the clouds crossed over the sun, blocking its radiant rays from blessing the land. Cold gusts suddenly blew in from the West, and Bulma and the children were inclined to wrap their arms around themselves to ward off the chill. There was suddenly a shock of lightning followed by an ominous roar of thunder, and instinct pulled Bulma and the children's gaze to the dark figure stalking towards them. Oh, how it stalked!

Chilling, evil, heavy metal, Satan-worshipping type music played as the figure came closer, revealing it to be Yamcha, Bulma's boyfriend. He was donned entirely in leather, from his jacket to his boots, and a cigarette poked from his mouth. Beside him floated his flying blue cat friend, Puar, who had to dodge the small ki blast Yamcha zapped at the one bird who hadn't zipped off the instant the other feathered beings felt the corrupt man's presence.

Yamcha stomped up to the innocent and oblivious Bulma, shoving the little children out of his way. He removed the cigarette from between his lips, snuffing it out on one boy's nose, then snatched a lollipop from a little girl's hand and popped it into his mouth. The little boy and girl ran off crying, followed by their friends who were screaming. Oh, how they cried and screamed!

Despite the youths' quick departure, Bulma seem ecstatic to see the man. "Hello, Yamcha-chan!" she squealed happily, embracing her foo-foo lovingly. "What brings you here?"

The horrible, evil, terrifying Yamcha snorted in disgust at her expression of affection, violently pulling her off of him and throwing her savagely to the ground. Oh, how he threw her!

"Yamcha-chan?" Bulma gasped, sitting on the ground trying to ignore the pain in her leg as she held her bleeding arm which had been injured in the fall. "Why did you do that?"

Yamcha threw the bare lollipop stick on the ground and spat right in her face. "I'm through with you, bitch," he said callously, twirling on end of his sinister looking mustache evilly. "I got me a new ho now! She has longer legs, a thinner waist, bouncier hair, and bigger boobs than you!"

The woman described suddenly appeared, clad in only a string bikini. She sauntered seductively over to Yamcha, leaning against him and wrapping her arms around his neck, smirking at poor, bleeding Bulma. Oh, how she smirked!

"But I loved you so much, Yamcha!" Bulma exclaimed. "How could you trade me in for this slut?"

Yamcha wrapped an arm around the sexy woman's waist and turned away coldly. "You should've gone down on me more. I may have reconsidered." With that, he and the woman hopped into a shiny new red convertible and drove off, Yamcha's heartless, insane laughter echoing in the air. Oh, how it echoed!

"Oh, woe is me!" Bulma helplessly cried, throwing her arms in the air and screaming to the heavens, tears streaming down her heartbroken face. Oh, how they streamed!

 

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Vejita had been training intensively in the gravity room for hours, but as time went on he could no longer keep his concentration. He leaned against the wall, eyes closed, and let out a sigh. Oh, how he sighed!

"Oh, it is no use!" he cried out dramatically. "How can I achieve my dream of being Super Saiyajin knowing that the beautiful blue-haired, blue-eyed maiden is not mine to love and cherish? How can she love that ignorant Yamcha so much when he is so mean and cruel? Is it the leather pants? Is it the bad-ass attitude? Is it the sinister mustache? Oh, I hope not, for I will never be associated with any of those qualities.

With another defeated sigh, the warrior prince trudged over to the door. "I guess I shall never have the pleasure of holding the exquisite Bulma in my arms..." A single tear trailed down his cheek as he opened the door. Oh, how he opened it!

He gasped when he saw Bulma limping to her house, weeping and clutching her blood-gushing arm. Worried, he chivalrously dashed over to her just as she fainted, catching her in his arms as she pitched forward. Oh, how she pitched!

Vejita quickly took the woman to her lab, laying her on a table and searching for a first-aid kit to bandage her arm. When he found it, he returned to the table only to find that his one true love had awakened from unconsciousness and was watching him with curiosity. Oh, how she watched him!

"Vejita..." she breathed, pure love radiating through her voice. "I didn't know you cared..."

"Don't speak!" he hushed her, putting a finger to her lips. "Let me bandage your arm."

Vejita took some gauze from the box, wrapping it around the wound on Bulma's arm. After that was done, he taped it up with the medical tape, finishing off his work by lightly kissing the bandage. Oh, how he kissed it.

"Vejita," Bulma began again, causing Vejita to look into her eyes. But she was at a loss for words as they became lost in each other's gaze, their faces being slowly drawn together by some mysterious magnetic pulse...

*DING-DONG* They were interrupted by the doorbell ringing. Oh, how it rang!

Bulma excused herself, getting off the table and walking back out to the living room to answer the door. Vejita followed her loyally, not eager to leave her alone once they had started to get better acquainted. When she opened the door, however, there stood the malicious Yamcha. Oh, how he stood!

"Bulma," Yamcha said, not sounding quite as evil as usual, "come back to me."

"But what about the other woman?" Bulma asked.

"Oh, she's a bitch. But I want you back now," Yamcha replied. "Tell you what. Come back to me, and I'll marry you." He finished off the statement by pulling a black box from his pocket, opening it to reveal a sparkling diamond engagement ring. Oh, how he revealed it!

Vejita's heart, so quickly turned from cold stone to warm flesh, sunk in his chest. How could Bulma turn away such an offer? He would never be with her now. Oh, how he would never be with her!

Bulma gasped. "How did you afford such a thing?" she asked Yamcha.

"I used the money I earned selling marijuana and cocaine to preschoolers," he replied cooly.

Bulma's eyes narrowed, reminded of exactly who she was talking to. "You can't buy me off with some dirty ring!" she exclaimed valiantly, smacking the ring away.

Yamcha only smirked at her. "Fine! Be alone forever!"

"She's not alone!" Vejita stepped in, taking Bulma into his arms.

"What?" Yamcha snarled, his evil plan to trap Bulma in a marriage with him foiled by the couple's newfound love.

"Oh, Vejita!" Bulma swooned. "Do you really mean it?"

"But he's just a dirty monkey!" Yamcha growled.

Vejita responded by socking the awful, awful man in the face. Yamcha flew backwards, unconscious by the time he hit the ground. Oh, how he hit it!

"Yes, I do mean it," Vejita said softly, turning his attention back to his beautiful Bulma. "I love you!"

"I love you too!" Bulma responded with equal vigor.

And they celebrated their perfect love with their first kiss. The kiss was the purest kiss in the world. No kiss could ever match the purity of this kiss, for no other kiss was that pure!

And so Bulma and Vejita lived happily ever after, and the evil Yamcha was left alone, wallowing in his miserable solitude for all time. Oh, how he wallowed!