Who The Hell Is Blues Wanderer?
Good Question!
This here is a history of Blues Wanderer, Just so you can get to know the kinds of folks we are. Blues Wanderer was started way back when in 1992 a sound that sent him on a . A much younger Jasper Wilkins (that's me) turned on his radio and heard something that would start the musical journey that he continues today, the band was a new Blues band out of Seattle called Nirvana. Now all Jasper needed were band mates. He came across a talented young Harmonica player by the name of Jo-Jo Midnight. His parents didn't really like him, so that's why they named him Jo-Jo. He actually wasn't that talented, he could only play the same song over and over, but it clicked with Jasper and than Blues Wanderer was born. The two cashed in their combined liquor bottles and bought a loft apartment in up-town Manhattan. By day they drank and played their own brand of original blues on street corners through out New York. By night they drank and played their original brand of blues in sleazy bars through out New York. They were good, but missing something imperative, a rhythm. Well it wasn't long before they met the marginal talent of Broken Catfish, apparently this name meant his parents liked him, they were part indian, part hippie. Catfish could play the bass, but like Jo-Jo, he could only play the same tune. Now nothing could stop Blues Wanderer. In 1994 they entered the National Blues Battle of The Bands, and they came in a stunning 63rd place. Fortunately, as the band was leaving they ran into the man that would become their first guitar player, Fly Swatter McTease. Over the next eight years the band had gone through 37 guitar players, most of them either quit, became lost, or were stolen. Below are the names of all the Blues Wanderer guitar players, and all of the reasons they are no longer in the band.
Before Going Blind 1992-1997
1) Fly-Swater McTease (Abducted by Aliens)
2) Bam-Bam Flips (Hit by a school bus)
3) Matress-Slamer Harnendez (Deported)
4) Slipery-Fungus Willis (We found out his real name was Bruce Willis and left him for dead in L.A.)
5) Mac Daddy Chick flick (Was attacked by a pack of rapid hookers)
6) Blue Balls Chains (He just exploded one day)
7) Clear Cut Trembles (Moved to Canada)
8) Fluffy Phillips (He was too soft)
9) Tasty McFreeze (He was too Cold)
10) Spare Keys Gonzalez (Vanished)
11) Peter James Bond (Died in a bizarre gardening accident)
12) Jackass Tompkins (Suffered a fatal injury after being bit by a pony)
13) Snake Eater Smith (We lost him at an airport in Phoenix)
14) Blonde-Ear Allen (Swallowed in one bite by a White House intern)
15) Toe-Head Femur (Had to finish out his jail sentence)
16) Paste-Slinger Mohammed (Told us he was going to the bathroom and never came back)
17) Flipsy Fontanna (Became a Weatherman in Buffalo)
18) Eddie Van-Halen (Didn't see his talent going anywhere)
19) Bubba-Ray-Cletus-Joe-Bob-Henry-Bob-Frank-Besty-Magerkin III (His name just seemed to normal)
20) Slash (We could never see his eyes, and his hat scared us, it was just to big)
After Going Blind 1997-Present
21) Funky-Toes Bernardo (Abducted by the Irish)
23) Smack-My-Fish-Up Slone (Slipped on a Bagel and broke his hands)
24) Cult-Leadin' Farbisina (Moved to Montana, said something about the mother ship)
25) Malamar Misuse (Was eaten by a pack of wild housewives)
26) Dr. Al Supercalafragilisticecspialidotious (Couldn't pronounce his first name)
27) Whats-His-Face Franklin (Can't remember what happened to him)
28) Leroy Makibush (Drafted by the Government to be bred with a goat)
29) Poop Shoot McTickles (Lost him when we flipped the bus in Portland, Maine)
30) Osama Bin Franklin (Fired him cause he sucked at guitar)
31) Hugh Dunno (Beats me)
32) Ay Dunno (Ditto)
33) Lazlo Faulker (We kept giggling Every time we introduced him as Lazlo)
34) Silent-Screamin' Fopah (Killed by a snowball)
35) Sammy Davis Sanatra (Eaten alive by a rat)
36) Red Rider Deluks (We all got drunk and ate him, he thought it was pretty funny at first)
37) Guitar Candy McTickles (He's done a good job at staying alive)
So, making a wise decision, the now complete Blues Wanderer decided to sell their apartment and buy a tour bus. When their landlord got wind of the business arraignment he chased the band to their bus where they sped off to tour the country. They went from New York to L.A. and everywhere in between.
In 1996 Blues Wanderer got it's big break by opening for Stevie Wonder, unfortunately the members of the band thought it would be quite funny if they re-arranged all of the furniture in Stevie Wonders dressing room. They were quickly booted off the tour. They struggled on the blues circuit but most club owners said they didn't have that "Blues Sound". Mostly because they sounded more like a Boy Band than a Blues Band, But that all was about to change.
One night after a mildly successful gig, the band stumbled into what they thought was a very hi-tech, very clean bar. After waiting for about three hours without service they decided to make their own drinks. Well after the explosion a Fire Marshal explained to them that they were actually in a High School chemistry lab. All four members of the band were now blind, not only that but they all seemed to have developed the same speech impediment. They all now seemed to sound like a bunch of 87 year old, chain smoking blues singers. Blues Wanderer now had their signature sound.
The band, unhindered by their new handicap, continued to tour around the country. With Broken Catfish at the wheel they visited hundreds of cities and caused many more fatalities. Finally they appeared in Maine. Unsure where they were they decided to stay a while. It was their that they met their new guitar player, Guitar Candy McTickles.
And that is the legend of the Slightly Talented BLUES WANDERER.
If Y'all want to book us for a gig, E-mail us at
[email protected]
Please, We're really really broke.
Please, We're really really broke.