101503

-A work in Progress

October 15, 2003

   It�s not really a problem for me. I mean, it�s not like he was my boyfriend or anything. They were together, not him and me, so why does it still hurt? Maybe it was because I let him get close to me, I danced with him, I almost- well, that was an �almost� thing. We used to flirt over the IM, seduce each other almost every night with our words. He made love to me, almost, by the promises he made and the showings of his body. I only got to touch his naked chest once, but I remember his warmth and softness, his heart beating under my palm, the soft smile playing on his lips. I remember it all, but it might as well just be a fantasy for all the realism it holds now. All our past is dead to him, he�d rather forget it, but he promises he doesn�t want to forget me, and it still hurts. I just want him to know he broke me playing with my heart and then just forsaking it in a moment for her.

     At least she understands. She knows how much pain I�ve been going through and she wants to heal me. He wants me fixed� I want to be loved by people that I love. It hurts me to think that I�m so expendable with my feelings for him- for her, too. He blames me, of course he does. I�m the one who screwed everything up. If it weren�t for me, he wouldn�t think she was cheating on him; if it weren�t for me, she wouldn�t be having ideas about them and another girl. It�s my fault when she�s as she is when he�s upset at something she does, when she starts to act like me. It hurts me that not only did he break my heart, but he wants to take her away from me just as I get my hope back.

    He may not have been in love with me, but at least once, his body yearned for mine like my body aches for him every night. He did want me, but not now. Now, he lives for her, he forsakes me. I�m nothing but a friend, and I bring the tissue to my eyes again. I�m broken. Why can�t he bring himself to fix me like he says he wants to? What�s limiting him from caring for me like he used to? Why can�t I get over him if he loves her?

    I didn�t want it to happen. I kicked and fought the whole time I was falling for him. I didn�t want to love him, but I knew I was going to, so I tried to stop it, you know? I wanted to live my life for me, but now I live it for him only. I pushed him away over and over; the closer he got, the more I loved him. He wouldn�t leave me alone, he kept getting to know me, and he got so close to me. Now? Now I�m �just a friend� and I hurt just looking at him. Everything about him hurts me. I love being around him, even though my heart gets beaten every time I see him.

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