I Was A Teenage Teenager
I woke up a few days ago a little around one in the afternoon, and I looked around the room. My room was filled with comic books and action figures, cd's, posters, drawings, video games, dirty plates, and a bunch of other things that you would find in a normal 11 year old boys room.....there was only one problem. I am 20 years old.
It happened a few days ago and I almost didn't realize it. My hands look older, and my back is hurting. My knees crack when I crouch. I think about when my sisters turned 20 and how grown up they seemed. Actually I still think 20 year old kids are so grown up looking. How the hell did I become one?
I found out a few days ago that my teenage years died......alone and unmourned except by me. A few memories and some scars are all that I have left of being a teenager. Around me I still have many of the same faces and possesions that I had during that long strange time........but now everything is starting to look like an abandoned set of a TV show that obviously ran out of steam three years ago, but just recently got cancelled.
How do I feel about turning 20, well kind of like this rant. Unorganized, unfocused, and not that funny. Getting older sucks. For most teenagers they can't wait for the big time.....hell, I even looked forward to my 20's once in a while. But now that they're here I feel like I should put my head between my knees and vomit.
Is it because I feel that I won't belong in the world of "grown-ups".......nope. I never belonged in the world of the teenagers....don't get me wrong, I'm not nostalgic for my teens either, except for pure camp value. I'll never be murdered at a summer camp.....sigh...... Nope, no teens for me either......and no pre-teens. I'm not one of those people who's gonna read one of those "Remember When.......The Only Wars You Knew About Were Played with your G.I. Joe's" piece of shit emails about being a little kid and cry. Cause it wasn't like that......being a kid, or a teenager, or in your 20's is all the same. It sucks. The only time you think of these times of your life and smile are when your looking back or looking forward. So screw Vitamin C and that stupid "End of High School" song she's singing. I listened to that and thought how sad it'll be when I'm 40 and I hear a piece of shit like that and actually say, "Wow that's just how it felt when High School ended" NO IT'S NOT! IT'S NEVER LIKE THAT! One day your in high school, and then one day your not! That's it! No one makes amends.....there's no one confessing their love to someone at the last minute........and there's no god damn singing about how you'll all stay together! It's just over, and then all you get is a cold lump in your throat when you think that you'll never spend another day there......then you forget about it.
I accepted a long time ago that I didn't belong with most of my peers. I'm NOT beyond or behind them.......I just don't belong. The reasong I'm freaking out is because everything else is changing. Not belonging when your a kid is hard......but you find friends who help you through it. Then as a teenager.......none of you feel like you belong so it kind of evens out........but then everyone feels that they have to "grow up" .......well, give up is more like it. And your still stuck feeling like an alien. Meanwhile everyone else has a pre-concieved notion of what growing up means....they turn off the parts of themselves that allows them to be free and start to set their limits. Soon, everything becomes "Let's not do this" and "No, I don't do that anymore" How about lets sit in a god damn diner and talk about High School! It's kind of sad you know, like we're a bunch of rotting corpses talking about when we were alive. It's kind of creepy.
Now this isn't how everyone goes about it, but I think there's a good amount of kids out there that think growing up means suppressing things and coming to accept certain things as societies unspoken law. Society wants you to forget about how it felt to be as free as you were when you were a child.......why? Cause there's more money in teary-eyed movies and TV shows that make you "remember when".
Am I saying to not grow up? Nope. Grow up, expand your world. Meet new people, learn, follow your passions, or do what you have to do to get by........it dosen't matter, just never force yourself to grow by using any kind of social expectations or pre set standards....
Ok, so what am I talking about. Basically I'm getting too old, and girls won't talk to me cause I speak and live like a child. And instead of changing for the world.....I'm trying to change the world for me. It's the last ditch effort of an insane, future-hermit.
Grow the Hell Up.
Subject at 14
Subject only weeks away from 20