NARRATOR: IN THE LAST EPISODE, HORRIBLE PLOTS HAVE BEEN REVEALED, MAXIM COLTRANE HAS MADE FOR SPACE, AND NOW IT IS UP TO BRANCH-X TO SAVE THE WORLD! ======================================================================== Warnings: Plot, interesting things happening Graphic violence, use of firearms, death and dismemberment Implied sex between mystical beings/monster/demons and humans Casual use of explicit language Present-tense descriptions ======================================================================== C&C, Flames, Anything, welcome at: rick_spiff@yahoo.com Posted at Insanity Production's home page: http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/ ~ Begin fic ~ [Opening Music is Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' played very loudly. A montage of shots flash by to the bars of the song, mostly of the Sidestep cast and various Eva characters dressed in kick-ass clothes and shooting things out of frame. Splattered here and there among the characters are various explosions for variety.] [Music cuts out.] [EXT. COLTRANE INDUSTRIES SECRET LAUNCH PLATFORM - TWO DAYS AGO.] [Open on a massive gunmetal gray rocket cradled snugly in its tower, a silent juggernaut awaiting the moment millions of pounds of thrust can be directed into staving off the muddy grip of the earth herself, and shooting for the stars. On the top deck of the launch tower, Miko Mido waits patiently to board. Twelve other Coltrane Industries employees wait with her, all dressed identically in gray jumpsuits with silver piping. Miko looks forlornly at the sky, spares the rocket a derisive sneer, then returns to scanning the evening sky as it slowly turns from burning orange to cool blue, then to the sparking black of night.] Miko: (muttering) Stupid rocket. Stupid mission... I miss him. [Jack comes up behind her and drops a hand on her shoulder.] Jack: Nervous? [Miko glances pointedly at the other employees. Jack continues as if he doesn't notice.] Jack: Yeah. I'm scared about the launch too. It's not something you do every day. (he poses dramatically, the American flag suddenly flapping majestically in the non-existent wind behind him) But we do this for the good of the world! [Miko giggles at his antics.] Jack: Well, don't worry, we'll be up there soon. Miko: Thanks, Jack. [He shares a somber look with her that says 'and then it gets scary.' Miko nods.] Miko: (thinking) James... I'm counting on you... ---------- Title Flash: Episode 11: Hope/ The Most Delicious Poison ---------- [INT. DAVE'S GOD OFFICE - AFTERNOON.] [Dave sits at his desk when his sometimes-partner in terror and mayhem enters, singing a Guns & Roses song with great enthusiasm. James is even playing some air guitar to match the tune, which he's obviously heard way too many times. Dave sits up in his seat and ignores the folder in his hands for a moment to listen to James make an idiot of himself.] James: (to the tune of 'Garden of Eden') I ain't superstitious, but I know when something's wrong. I've been dragging my heels with a bitch called hope--let the undercurrent drag me along! Lost in the garden of Eden! Said we're lost in the garden of Eden! And there's no one's gonna believe this... but we're lost in the garden of Eden! [James really wails into the guitar solo, trying to scat some guitar sounds that wind up sounding like a dying cat.] Dave: James? James: (halts in the middle of some delicate finger work) Hm? Dave: (carefully measured smile) I love ruining your good moods. James: (cautiously) Which means... Dave: Coltrane's in space. James: Any good news? Dave: Nope. James: Fuck! Dave: Miko and Jack went up there with him. James: Double fuck! Dave: Nice exclamation. Your thoughts? James: We're still on schedule... to get horribly killed before we can do anything to defend ourselves. [Dave takes one last glance at his intelligence report. Words describing holographic projection equipment are quickly covered up as he closes the folder.] Dave: Apart from our training and some weapons tests, we just need a launch vehicle, right? James: YEah. I'll throw everything we have into making something usable. I already know where I can get the main vehicle... Dave: You found one? James: I just have a good idea of where I can get one. I'll send John and Sherridan to pick it up. They'll be good at negotiating it out of the authorities. Dave: So what did you pick without my knowledge or consent? James: A Saturn V rocket. [This is the famed rocket which sent American astronauts to the moon. Parts of one can be found on display at the Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. Think HUGE.] Dave: Hold it, hold it! I thought those things were decommissioned thirty _years_ ago. James: (shrugs) So we've got some work to do. At least our liquid hydrogen won't go to waste. [Dave reaches for his computer, but freezes as the words are processed.] Dave: Excuse me? (moves only his head so he can glare at James) Where did we get enough liquid hydrogen to fill a thirty-six story rocket? James: (shrugs) You probably don't want to know. Dave: (retrieves his laptop and sits down slowly) James, this mission needs to be kept low profile. Launching one of the largest and most recognizable rockets in the history of space exploration IS NOT LOW PROFILE! James: Hey, it isn't like we have our fair pick of rockets. There hasn't been a huge market for the things since Second Impact! Dave: (muttering) Damn it. You know, I just wanted something smaller and simpler. James: (proudly) The Saturn V is renown for never exploding during launch. I thought that would make you happy. Dave: (gives James a suspicious glare) There is a first time for everything. James: If it will make you feel better, you can drive. Dave: (sighs) You're being more reckless than normal. Worried about Miko? [James smiles sadly.] James: Oh. (snaps his fingers) I have something to show you. [James fast-draws a stupidly long katana and slices Dave's desk clean in half. This is all the more impressive when one considers that said desk was carved from a single slab of granite and weighs as much as a large truck.] Dave: (holding onto two halves of a once-working laptop) I'm glad I backed up. What was that for? [James reverently lays the sword across Dave's desk. In response, the desk's halves finally separate and settle onto the ground with an ear-splitting crack.] James: Flexible, temperature-stable ceramic alloy. Dave: And... James: It'll come in handy for something. Maybe even something besides bladed weapons. I thought you'd like to keep the sword around. Just in case. Dave: ... Bring a few of these when you go kill Coltrane. James: Who said I was going to kill Coltrane? Dave: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Satan would weep if I said anything to responded to that, even in a tangental fashion. James: Suit yourself. Dave: (sets the remains of his laptop on the remains of his desk) Round up Carrie and nail down a date for our training. You have my person to stick John and Sherridan into a couple of large cannons if that will get their jobs done faster. Now move it, James. [Dave blinks, realizing he is giving orders to a James-shaped hole in the air.] [INT. COLTRANE'S SPACE STATION - DAY.] [Maxim Coltrane floats through the access door set in the 'floor' of the bridge. Two rows of computer terminals command one end of the small room, while a large table mounted on a thin jointed arm and several chairs takes up the other. Between them a small open space holds the main entrance, and a bright orange circle in the center of the 'ceiling' marks the emergency escape.] [Officers sitting before the computer terminals are merrily working away when Coltrane floats up the ladder. Miko and Jack quickly follow, wearing their gray and silver jumpsuits with Maxim wearing one in black with red piping.] Coltrane: This is the command deck. From here we can control the operation of every part of the station. Most of the computer there are for communications with earth. (points to the table and chairs) And this is the meeting and dining area. Jack: Brilliant. So this is it? Storage, engineering, observation, command, and the air locks? Coltrane: Not much to see, I know, but it's a lot more comfortable than anything sent up here before it. Jack: No, I don't mean to complain; it's incredible. Coltrane: (chuckling) You've never been in space before? Jack: (smirks) Is it that obvious? [Miko drifts towards the monitors and points at one showing a camera image of what appears to be a mass of gray metal welded together haphazardly.] Miko: What's that? [Coltrane exchanges a look with Jack.] Coltrane: That is the reason we're up here, Miko. Miko: The weapon, isn't it? [Jack is making shooing motions to Miko behind Coltrane's back.] Coltrane: Yes. The scourge of the wicked and the hateful. The spear of enlightenment that will finally put an end to all needless war. Miko: You mean a great equalizer. Coltrane: In a matter of speaking, yes. Finally the wicked can be trampled, allowing humanity to fulfill its true destiny. Miko: (nodding) That's a good thing to use it for. What does it do? Coltrane: (soberly) Terrible things, Miko. Terrible people need to be taught terrible lessons. Miko: Yes. We only learn the harsh ones, don't we? Coltrane: Of course. It's part of the wickedness of humanity. Miko: Yes, humanity is wicked. Jack: Well, when the times comes... Miko: I know. (to Jack) Are you hungry? Jack: I don't have much of an appetite. Zero G doesn't like my stomach, I think. [Coltrane gives Jack a whap on the back, nearly dislodging the younger man from the wall.] Coltrane: It'll pass, and so will I. Hit up the common area; I'll be down in a few hours. [Jack's smile is forced, but Coltrane doesn't pay close attention to it. Miko quickly grabs the younger engineer and floats out of the bridge.] [INT. ED'S WORKSHOP - DAY? NIGHT?] [In the large workshop we've seen before, Carrie sits on one of the stools watching James and Ed argue. The men wear their usual trench coats, which makes them look for all the world like a couple of assassins planning to kill somebody.] [In a round about way, that's exactly what they are, and that's exactly what they're planning to do. But enough with the pointless details. Carrie, out of her trench coat for a change, is wearing a crimson shirt with a white bow tie, pin-stripe slacks, and a black suit jacket with brown elbow patches. The last person to make a crack about her looking like a reject from a sixteen-bit fighting game is recovering in the infirmary.] James: I'm telling you it'll work. Ed: And I'm telling you I ain't building it like that. If the secondary leaks, it's going to blow up the tank! [James begins scribbling an set of equations on the drawings.] James: No they won't, see? [Ed waits for James to finish his illustration and looks at the results in surprise.] Ed: Really? James: Yeah. I'm thinking we have room up here (points) for a backup recirculator and dry-sump setup for recovery if the sucker does freeze. Ed: It'll require more welding, but we can do it. James: (setting down the pen) Well, that's the last issue I had. Build it. Ed: Okay. I'll get these two our crew. [Ed gathers up the massive stack of drawings and leaves the room.] Carrie: (to James as he approaches) Got it figured out? James: Yeah, we won't all die horribly now. Carrie: How long? James: Four days until launch. Ed will demo the hard coat this afternoon and tomorrow John and Sherridan will get the big pieces. Carrie: (getting down) Good. It's time for your lecture. Let's get Dave. James: (gesturing to the door) Lead the way. [James and Carrie exit.] [INT. NERV HALLWAY - DAY.] [In contrast to Ed's workshop, most of NERV proper has a special lighting system which tells the people inside when it's day and when it's night. A true necessity when you have thousands of people working underground for eight to twelve hours per day.] [James walks down the corridor with a hesitation in his step that Carrie just barely notices.] Carrie: Nervous? James: If it's all the same to you, I won't answer that. Carrie: (clearly smirking inside) Fine, fine. So, where do you put the tail? James: (stumbles; catches himself) What do I? Well... I... (shakes his head) Let me get my foot out of my mouth, please. Carrie: Okay. What do you think of having a vagina? James: (glares at Carrie) I think that's uncalled for. Carrie: (grinning) Of course it was. What do you think of the boobs? They're pretty large. [She reaches for James' chest. Despite being fully male, he jerks away, his arms coming up into a cross-block that puts him in a good position to break Carrie's arm.] James: What's with you women! Keep your hands to yourself! [The instant the words are out of James' mouth, both agents freeze in their tracks. A Japanese woman in a NERV uniform stands before them, holding a clipboard before her like a shield.] James: ... Carrie: ... Anonymous NERV Employee: ... [James, without appearing to move, calmly gooses Carrie. Carrie, appearing to move with the wrath of a vengeful God, decks James so hard he bounces off of the wall and lands in her headlock. Carrie pauses to gently maneuver James out of the woman's way and waves her through. After a tense moment of staring at the Americans, she goes on her way.] James: If I had known you were into S&M--grrrk! Carrie: (applying more pressure) I'll take what I can get. [She lets go of James just before he passes out.] Carrie: (casually) We're almost there. James: (stops theatrically gasping and wheezing) Lucky! Carrie: So, what do you do with the tail? James: ... You're evil. [James gets up, makes a show of dusting off his immaculate coat, and continues walking with Carrie.] Carrie: So give. What's it like? James: All right. First off, when I change, I can't tell it happens. I literally don't feel different until I specifically choose to notice things. It's like there's magic or something that makes it so that suddenly being female is just... normal. Carrie: Well put. James: (frowns) Yeah. Anyway, other than that, there's two big tip-offs. Carrie: Your height? James: Yeah, my perspective is totally off. And then there's the emotion. Carrie: Hmm? James: It's like there's no brakes on her feelings. If something's irritating, I'm ready to start killing people. If I'm sad, I'm a wreck. If I'm depressed, I just want to die. Everything's so extreme, it's like I'm losing my mind. Carrie: (throws a friendly arm around James' shoulders) Welcome to womanhood. (slyly) So, about that tail? James: (angry) What? You want to know where I stick it?! I-- [He stops as Dave steps out of a door labeled 'Custodian Only.'] Dave: I don't want to know who. I don't want to know where. I don't want to know what. I don't want to know when. Just get inside. [James closes his mouth a minute later and gives Carrie the glare of death. Carrie merely laughs evilly and slips through the door after Dave.] [INT. NERV BRIEFING ROOM - DAY.] [Inside, Dave hands Carrie a black trench coat, which she takes and immediately puts on. James and Dave take their seats, and a projector is fired up.] Carrie: Gentlemen, let's talk space-- James: The final frontier! Carrie: ... Otherwise known as that stuff between your ears. [James pouts.] Carrie: I won't waste your time with the science here. Consider this a crash course. Further reading is advised. There is no diffuse light in space--you look near the sun and you get horrible glare. The face shield on your suit will compensate by darkening your visor, but that limits the light depth of your vision, so keep it in mind. There is no air in space, so sound won't travel through it. If your radio goes out, or we leave them turned off for some reason, we can still talk by placing the face shields of suits together and yelling. Conversely, feel free to scream battle cries as much as you want--with your radio off, no one can hear you. There is no gravity in space. If you throw something, push someone, fire a projectile, you will have to compensate for the counter-momentum. Dave: What about decompression? Carrie: Okay, a pinhole won't suck you into space, but it will try. If something develops a leak, don't bother grandstanding--get the hell out of there, leave sealing it up to the experts. If you go out of an airlock without a pressure suit, you die. Dave: I don't mean to pry, but we've read a lot about everything but actually going out of an airlock without a suit. Carrie: You die. James: We've done all sorts of things that should have killed us already. If you know, please share. Carrie: Tell me about your tail. [Dave shakes his head sadly, but James merely sighs.] James: It has a mind of its own if I'm concentrating on it carefully. It... kind of has my personality, if you will. That's all there really is to say about it now. I can let you know if I find out anything new. Carrie: That's okay, I was only curious. [James gives her a slack-jawed 'what the FUCK?!!' stare.] Carrie: Okay. So, you decided you just couldn't take it anymore, and you jumped into space. You now have ten seconds to get back inside. That's about all the time you have left before you loose consciousness. Then you die. James: Uh... how? Carrie: The liquids in your body begin to boil. You swell up. Your skin is either frozen or cooked within thirty seconds. Within two minutes, all of your internal organs including your brain, die from lack of oxygen and gross trauma. That answer your question? James: (grimacing) Yes... Carrie: Good. Now, we'll start on suit procedure, then work on hand signals for working under radio blackout. You've already read the emergency procedure manuals and we're already survival experts, so this will be the shortest astronaut training anyone has ever been given. James: Woo-hoo! Dave: (head in hands) ... Carrie: ... [EXT. BRANCH-X JAPAN TESTING RANGE - DAY.] [John, Trey, Ed, Carrie, and two of Ed's assistants are standing in a wide open space of land with nothing at all interesting nearby. This is a good thing because this area is Ed's unofficial testing grounds for new weapons. The only thing here of note, besides the people, is a dummy wearing a black trench coat.] [A crash test dummy, not James.] Ed: Well, here she is. The Hard Coat. Doubles as a pressure suit, but with a little work I can add some general environmental resistance. Carrie: Whatever. Let me see the requirements sheet. [Ed hands her a piece of paper.] Carrie: (suspicious) The _original_, if you please. [Ed sighs and hands her a large shirt with writing all over it.] John: (to Ed) Dude, is that your shirt? Ed: (to John) We were doing inspections on the H2 staging mock-up and didn't have any paper with us. She just said she had to write it all down before she forgot some of it again. Trey: Dude, why didn't you suggest she use her underwear, then you could-- Carrie: (suddenly standing one inch from Trey) Cremation or burial? Trey: Cremation-- (doubles over Carrie's fist) OOMPH! Carrie: (pulling her hand back) Wise decision. [She turns to find that the other men have magically appeared several feet further away from her. Carrie sighs and begins inspecting the Hard Coat, consulting the shirt in her hands. After several minutes, she hands the shirt back to Ed.] Carrie: Well, most everything looks in order. We'll do a full walking test in a minute, but first... I have two questions. Ed: (snapping to attention) Ma'am! Carrie: First, I don't see any weapons on the suit itself. Where are they? Second, why are we outside? There's no pressure chamber to test the suit's mobility under vacuum. Ed: Let me answer the first question, ma'am. John: (to Ed's assistants) Run. Run now. Ed: (with the flourish of a ringmaster) Behold, the Mini-Dragon! [Ed pulls out an odd hand gun. The barrel, a thick pipe lacking even the most basic set of sights, is on the bottom of his hand with an unguarded trigger under his index finger. Also notable is the clear lack of an action to cycle through ammunition, or any place to store ammunition in the weapon. This doesn't disturb the massive builder, though, as he takes aim at one of the wooden targets down the range. He pulls the trigger, and with a brief sputter and hiss, something flies out of the gun and attaches itself to the wood. For a second it looks for all the world like a paintball round. Then the assembled crowd notices the heat waves rising from the 'paint,' and hears the crackling sound of rapidly burning wood. Smoke and fire are seconds behind the crackling. In only ten seconds, the thick wooden post features a deep indentation where the projectile hit.] Carrie: Phosphorus? Nice. I shall cristen {think champaigne bottle and new ships launching} it 'The Dragonette.' [Ed pouts, then screams in rage, flailing his arms inarticulately while Carrie pretends to ignore him. After a minute, he winds down to mere grumbling, spitting out the weapon's new name with a hiss of hate every few seconds.] Ed: (finds his marbles) ANYWAY. IT's solid fuel suspended in a gelatinous matrix that will remain stable in space. She burns oxygen and acetylene. (whines again) The Dragonette? Who the hell... Trey: (apparently understanding what Ed said) That'll hurt like hell. It'll cauterize the wound, though. Carrie: It's not for people, it's for burning through space suits. (to Ed) We'll be bringing conventional demolitions equipment for the station, I take it? Ed: (looks at her suspiciously, then sighs) Yeah, standard C4 duffel with your choice of detonators. Of course, you'll probably want to call them the 'cute happy fun cuddly bags!' Carrie: (smugly) I already have some cute happy fun cuddly bags, thank you very much. [Trey and John manage to cover their laughter. Ed stares at her for a minute, the reference floating clear of his head for several minutes before landing on his brain like a nuclear bomb.] Ed: You're sick! Carrie: (with arm around Ed's shoulders) But you love me anyway. [Ed quickly puts some distance between him and 'that female thing.'] Ed: Get away! Get away! [He notices his own techs laughing, and wisely decides to move on. He pulls out a small remote and pushes a button. Part of the concrete strip before them opens up and a large elevator comes out. The concrete around the Hard Coat's stand folds up and makes an elevator all by itself. As the group gets into the larger elevator, the Hard Coat begins to descend.] [EXT. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER - DAY.] [A host of massive buildings marks the center of America's space program--or what remains of it. The perimeters now sports a twelve foot high reinforced wall which invites no trespassers permits view visitors. John and Sherridan, dressed in their finest trench coats and absurdly cheap suits, stand before the armored bunkers that serve as the entrance.] Voice: (from speaker) Step into the security building for scanning. [John and Sherridan do as ordered, waiting patiently as they give up retinal scans, face scans, and are run through a beefed-up metal detector.] Sherridan: Nice setup they got here John: (sarcastic) It's great. What's next? Skin samples? Blood letting? Contracts inscribed on human flesh promising our first born? Sherridan: (also sarcastic, but with great enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah! Voice: (from speaker) Please state your name and business. Sherridan: (faux disappointed) Damn! John: John Bakker, picking up that big rocket on the front lawn. Sherridan: Sherridan Jones, ditto. [There is a long pause, then an armored panel opens up, revealing a young Army officer sitting at a desk, behind a thick armored window. He speaks into a microphone.] Army Guy: (over speaker) Please show your identification. [The two Branch-X agents pull out their NERV badges and face the window.] Army Guy: (over speaker) Closer, please. [With evil little smirks, John and Sherridan step closer together so that they're shoulder-to-shoulder. The guard blinks.] Army Guy: (over speaker, terse) Closer. [Pouting, the two men hold their ID's closer to the window.] Army Guy: (after a second) Okay. What was that you said about the rocket? [John smiles evilly. Sherridan smiles mischievously and whips out a thick stack of papers. John gestures to them like a game show model showing off a prize.] John: These are authorization documents classified under order G-17. They allow us to do pretty much anything if a state of war or substantial loss of life is considered eminent by your government. Sherridan: (flatly) We're taking the rocket. Army Guy: (over speaker) So I've heard. You guys mind telling me why I'm picking up twelve pounds of metal on each of you and traces of blowfish toxin? Sherridan: (shrugs) Basic side arms. We don't go anywhere without carrying a few small backups. John: (also shrugs) Lunch. [Sherridan and the Army officer stare at John.] Sherridan: Oh, right. (to the guard) He has a taste for exotic foods. [The Army officer mutters something to himself that's impossible for the Branch-X agents to make out. Then the speaker comes on again.] Army Guy: (over speaker) Hold up the G-17 order, please. [TWO HOURS LATER.] [John and Sherridan come out of the guard's box, scowling and covered in tuna salad.] John: That is the _last fucking time_ I listen to James give advice on how to deal with the US Army. Sherridan: Look on the bright side, we got the rocket, and we didn't have to kill anybody! John: Yet. Do you have any idea how hard it will be to get this out of my hair?! Sherridan: It was worth it. Especially when you grabbed that sausage, screamed 'for the king!' and jumped on that one guy. (starts laughing) John: (smirking despite himself) Yeah, that was pretty fun... So, where did we park? [He stops. The pair have reached the entrance to the parking lot, which looks a little cramped thanks to a 400-ton haul truck taking up thirty spaces.] Sherridan: (shields his eyes from the Florida sun) I dunno. Man, I hate these places. You can never find your car... [John pulls out a set of car keys and presses the alarm button. The headlights on the haul truck flash (a sight visible from space), and the 'chirp' of its air horn makes windows five miles away vibrate.] John: There it is. Let's load up this rocket. [INT. BRANCH-X CUBICLE FARM - SOME TIME OR OTHER.] [Kat walks up to James' cubicle and leans against one of the walls. Inside, Godai and Yuki are holding piles of paperwork while James finishes a short lecture. Once he's done, he shoos the detectives out and gestures for Kat to enter.] Kat: So, how are the preparations going? James: Fantastically. Once I get my last will and testament in order, I'll be about ready to leave. Kat: Do I get your stereo? James: That depends on whether you want the cat. Kat: The what? James: Cat. Furry animal. Feline. Thinks its superior to everything else. Kat: You have a cat? James: Yep. Kat: Okay. Actually, I was curious how Miko feels about this whole thing? James: You don't know I have a cat but you're asking about my girlfriend's feelings in the matter at hand? Kat: (scowling) Well, no thanks to some complete moron, I just spent the last two weeks fighting vampires, not checking up on your daily to-do list! James: But you had enough time to meet Miko for lunch? Oh, that would explain why you weren't at the meeting. Kat: (clenching her hands and breathing deeply) Count to ten, then skin him with a spoon. (quickly) Ten nine eight seven six-- James: But enough of that, did you have fun fighting the forces of evil? Kat: (excessively cheerful) Oh, it was just fantastic! It was great! It was like... (evil smile) Hell. Yes, a special circle of Hell were your enemies eat you if they win, (grabs James by the collar) NO ONE fucking DIES when they're supposed to, and you can't get decent... fucking... BACKUP! James: (calmly) Speaking of backup, how did William work out? Kat: (sets James down) Never met him. He had to go to Scotland for some reason. James: What about Marcus? Kat: Ran into some guy... Burnsasomething was his last name I think. They wound up smuggling people out of France. I was busy taking care of a werewolf case in the middle of nowhere. James: You didn't ask this Bernsides guy for help? Kat: He had other obligations. James: Bummer. Well, no one's sent me an e-mail complaining about the end of the world, so I'm going to cross my fingers and say we're okay. No more Europe for a while. Kat: (sighs) Thanks. Look, let's get back to your girlfriend's feelings. James: She's relieved that I'm coming to get her. Kat: You got a dinner date? James: ... You did miss that meeting. Kat: Yes! I did! What am I missing?! James: Miko went up with Jack and that Coltrane guy. Kat: Up? James: They're in orbit with an orbital weapons platform. Kat: ... Say again? James: We're going up there to rescue Jack and Miko and destroy the weapons platform. We can't have a weapon like that rest in the hands of a group of unhinged lunatics. Kat: Except for us, you mean? James: Well, of course. Kat: And you're rescuing Miko from them? James: Yep. Kat: How are you doing? James: No worse than normal. [From the look on Kat's face, it's easy to see that 'normal' for James is a state of torture for other people.] Kat: Ouch. Anything I can do... James: Yeah, you can get out of the way. [Kat smacks James in the head, only to sheepishly realize that she's preventing him from leaving his cubicle.] Kat: (stepping out) Sorry. James: All's forgiven, but when we land, you bring the champagne. (as an afterthought) And you have to watch my cat. Kat: What's this what the cat again? [James hands her Muffin. Kat stares dumbstruck at the feline for a moment.] Kat: You have a cat. James: Either that or an alarmingly cute bomb, but it doesn't tick. Muffin: Meow. James: (to the cat) Sorry. Kat: (in sudden realization) Wait a minute, you're going into space! James: You're a quick one, I'll give ya that. Kat: That means I have to take care of your stupid cases while you're gone, doesn't it? James: Nope. Been giving Godai and Yuki a crash-course in myth busting. Lisa's stretched too thin... anyway, I'm sure Dave has something lined up for you. (turns to leave) And next time we're in the old continent, I'll introduce you to William, I promise. He's got this typewriter... anyway, I have to get going. [Kat watches James leave, her mind filing things away.] Muffin: Meow. Kat: I know, I know. [She beings petting the amazingly cute kitten.] [EXT. BRANCH-X JAPAN SECRET LAUNCHING AREA - EARLY MORNING.] [We enter on Carrie, James, and Dave wearing the Hard Coats and strapped into a claustrophobic capsule atop a Saturn V rocket prepared by hurried hands.] James: Let's light this baby up. Dave: (closes eyes) I really don't wanna do this. Carrie: (stoic face) We'll be just fine. James: (shrugs as best he can) Worse case scenario, we'll be dead before we realize what happened. Dave: Great, you just made my day. Voice: Countdown commencing. Ten. Nine. James: Time to kick ass and take names. Voice: Eight. Seven. Carrie: Got that right. Voice: Six. Five. Carrie: Got the music? Voice: Four. Three. James: Oh, shit! [James grabs at something on his Hard Coat. With the push of a button, some classic Steppenwolf starts playing over the radios.] Voice: Four. Three. Dave: I hate you. Voice: Two. Carrie: (exasperated, warning tone) Boys. Voice: One. James: LET'S ROCK `N ROLL! [The engines fire, obliterating any possibility of hearing anything... for the moment. Then there's a sickening jerk as the final clamps are released and the rocket begins its long journey. Sadly, it is at this point that the three people inside can hear, and James' singing becomes audible.] James: (signing along to the chorus) On a magic carpet ride! Dave: (screaming) JAAAMMMEEESSS!!!!!! [Fade out.] [Cue Metallica's "Better Than You" faintly in the background as the narrator's deep, booming voice speaks over the scenes.] Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION! [Shot of James battling a man in a silver jumpsuit in zero gravity. The two are struggling over a knife.] Narrator: THE BATTLE BEGINS! [James and Dave sit at a white table, handcuffed and watched by a host of Coltrane's guard. Coltrane himself floats into view.] Narrator: FORCES CLASH! [Shot of Carrie working intently on some kind of space craft. A group of men in space suits are coming up behind her while she works away, unaware of their approach.] Narrator: WHO WILL SURVIVE?! [Shot of Dave, still cuffed, being escorted off of the bridge. He makes a little shooting motion at Coltrane with a look that promises he will not be gone for long...] Narrator: ALL IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF SIDESTEP:EVANGELION! [Ending credits:] Ranting, Sidestep, lots of other stuff: Jared Waddell, HQ Consulting: Insanity Productions Staff FFML Remarks: John Genoni, Wayward Gamer Absolutely Nothing: Andy Mucha, Lost Soul Miko Mido, the Shikima, and those with tentacles (usually) are from 'La Blue Girl.' Tokyo-3 and all things and characters present regarding Eva are from Neon Genesis: Evangelion. No copyright infringement is intended. This work is copyrighted but non-profit. Perhaps in the vein of a bizarre parody, but I'm guessing not. All other characters, unless noted, are copyright Insanity Productions. Original characters created by Insanity Productions may be used in freely in other non-profit works, without the author's prior assent (you can get it, but you don't have to). And thank you, the reader, for reading.