Narrator: IN THE LAST EPISODE, WE SAW A FEW HINTS OF WHAT SOME OVER-ZEALOUS READERS MAY MISTAKE FOR A PLOT. NONE OF THAT IS TO BE EXPECTED IN THIS EPISODE, NOW IS IT? ======================================================================== Warnings: Plot, interesting things happening Graphic violence, use of firearms, death and dismemberment Casual use of explicit language Present-tense descriptions ======================================================================== C&C, Flames, Anything, welcome at: rick_spiff@yahoo.com Posted at Insanity Production's home page: http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/ ~ Begin fic ~ [Opening Music is Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' played very loudly. A montage of shots flash by to the bars of the song, mostly of the Sidestep cast and various Eva characters dressed in kick-ass clothes and shooting things out of frame. Splattered here and there among the characters are various explosions for variety.] [Music cuts out.] [EXT. MILITARY AIR BASE, SOUTH CHINA - MID-DAY.] [The South China Third Rear Air base, suffering a horrible name, is situated in the new and expanding desert of south-eastern China. After SI, the muddy rice fields simply dried up and vanished. The land is fast becoming a new Sahara desert, with 100+ degree heat, no rain, and an endless stretch of brown hills as far as the eye can see.] [A pair of fat C-199s sit on the tarmac, the pilots relaxing in a nearby shed the size of a one-car garage while the Branch-X recruits check their gear one last time. John Barker stalks up and down the cargo holds of the immense planes like a caged animal, peeking over the shoulders of his troops and double-checking everything.] [A third C-199 lands at the 7-E runway and rolls into the present formation. All three planes have U.N. Asian Air Force logos on the side, comprised of "UN" in large capital letters in front of an F-22 Raptor outline circling a globe with latitude and longitude lines. Once the plane is properly squared away, James and Carrie come down the rear ramp with six more tough-looking men dressed like Marines.] James: John! John: Carrie! Asshole! Carrie: Hey John, how's the weather been out here? John: Mostly the same. (nods to James) James. [James is doing an over-the-top, anime-style pout, and pointedly ignores John.] Carrie: Man. This place is almost as hot at the Tri-Cities. When does it cool down around here? John: I'm hearing December. Carrie: Fuck this. I say we roll out as soon as your guys are ready. John: (smiles) Right on. We're nearly done; I'd say fifteen minutes on the outside. James: (still ignoring John) We'll be early for a change. Carrie: (to James) What's got in to you? James: (patented Extreme Sarcasm Mode) Oh, nothing. [A squat man wearing a People's Republic of China military uniform rushes up to the arguing trio and hands John an official-looking envelope. John waits until the man runs back to his business before commenting.] John: (looking at the envelope like a sixteen-year-old eyeing the keys to his dad's Ferrari) Oh! Look! It's Christmas!!! [James blows a raspberry at John.] Carrie: That was mature. John: (reading the envelope's contents) All right, unrestricted access! (to the other two Stooges) See you guys on the ground, 'k? Carrie: All right. We're going to go enjoy some AC. James: Hmph. John: (sighs heavily) Fine. I'm sorry I called you an Asshole, James: (excessively gracious) Apology acce-- John: ... you old asshole. James: Why you little-- Carrie: Down James! What the hell's gotten into you? James: (grumbles and walks back to his ride) ... John: That was fucked up. Who's been...? Carrie: I have no idea. Were you still in Japan when he was out sick for a week? John: No... that must've been right after I left. You know, he mentioned something about China before I left. (mystery mode) Ten bucks says it's something here that's bugging him. [You have NO idea....] Carrie: (smirks) I'll take your side of that bet. You clear things up with Kat before you left? John: Yeah. [The two seem to have run out of innocent things to talk about.] Carrie: Well, you know where to find me. John: Yeah, I'll be manly and grunting and sweaty out here if you need me. See ya later. [The two walk back to their respective transportation. At Carrie and James' side...] James: S'up. Carrie: What the fuck crawled up your ass? [James suddenly leans against the plane with a small "whoosh" and assumes an extra-casual pose. His free foot taps the concrete with machine gun speed.] James: I'm... just feeling a little edgy. Carrie: A little edgy is me on two pots of coffee before nine A.M. Who's trying to kill you? James: Lots of people, but no one of importance... (under his breath) Except myself. Carrie: Is this about that... (makes vague hand gesture) that... James: ... Alternate body I've been cursed with? Carrie: (pointing spastically at James) Yes! That! Is that it? James: In a word, yes. Carrie: (her hand comes to a halt, still pointing) ... There's more than you're telling me, isn't there? James: Lots more. Carrie: Must you be so infuriatingly honest AND yet pointlessly secretive all of the time? James: (smug look) Yeeessssss. [Carrie throws her hands into the air theatrically and stalks into the plane with a sour face. James turns to the camera. In the background, his crew files into the plane in like fashion--minus the hand movements and strange faces.] James: (to audience) Well, aren't we nicely fucked? In case you haven't gotten the full scoop, listen and listen good. First, I got cursed with the body of a... a female--fighter/warrior or some shit, I dunno--five weeks ago. Things were okay for a while. I met this nice girl, although I can't remember all the details of our first meeting, and get hired onto this Branch-X outfit. Dave and I, we go way back. After I've been on the job for a week, killing these weird-assed demons Miko knew about--but, obviously, wouldn't tell me about until later--and doing the normal kinds of higher administrative things a guy like me does. It turns out that this NERV place we're integrated into has some deep shit goin' down. Something about the Second Coming, and this secret organization _causing_ Second Impact and all sorts of other crazy shit. I haven't read all the details--I've been busy. Apparently Mr. Ikari has all kinds of mega-whacky plans saved up and needs us to hold off aforementioned secret organization, but Dave did him one better. Spotlight's on us, but everyone thinks we're with NERV... James: (to audience) Crap, kinda lost my train of thought there. Anyway, the Japan Special Self Defense Force detachment kindly loaned us these troops (yanks a thumb over his shoulder to indicate the tough-looking guys that went by a minute ago). NERV has authority to basically run the country and half of the fucking world if they need to, but all these oh-so-important signatures are needed first. Lots of cloak-and-dagger stuff I'm not in the mood to deal with right now. Expanding our base of operations has been a back-burner goal for a while now. Branch-X is re-starting this effort with some underground base in the mountains here in China. Apparently the place is abandoned, or we bought it, or... something. Whatever. And once we've confirmed that its livable, the U.N. will come in and put the place back into proper working order--all under our control, of course. James: (stretches, then continues his lecture) Now, about what... happened. I remember everything. I always do. You see, there's this... thing inside of me. I have a mild form of Disassociative Personality Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder. A few people have mistaken my condition for paranoid schizophrenia, but it's most definitely a personality problem. I have two personalities. One was born to protect and serve, in the way a police officer or soldier does, and that part of me is mildly insane anyway--psychotic mania in case you're wondering--but its the other part that worries even me. The bad part. Years and years of meaningless hate and meaningless killing on a scale that still amazes me to this day... that's what It is. I refuse to name It, so that is It's name. Dave knows about It. Ed knows about It. My other friends and some colleagues suspect, but none know for sure. [James takes a deep breath and looks around before continuing.] James: A week and two days ago, I was attacked more of these demons--called Shikima, according to both legend and Miko. You see, this curse that I am afflicted with preserves the mind quite nicely. However, it does not do much to protect my brain from an overload of female hormones. If I were younger, it wouldn't be much of a problem, but I'll be pushing forty before long. I just can't deal with it yet. It, the thing I've been talking about, can. But, It being what It is, doesn't deal with them in a very pleasant manner. James: (looks at the plane) Let's just say that the ruler of his astral realm, this 'home world' to the Shikima, is used to dealing with twisted nut-cases like myself. The monsters I spent a week fighting were part of some twisted experiment not authorized by the head honcho that I met. Being the King, he took care of stuff and thanked me for keeping it 'quiet' on earth. (sighs) Man, this is all royally fucked up. Miko's somewhere in the states playing spy and I'm back in China walking to a perfect unknown. It's like old times, but... not. Gah! I gotta quit thinking in circles or I'm gonna kick my own ass. Maybe beating up a few vagrants and kicking the tar out of those mouthy mountain people will make me feel better. So, until next time, good-bye! And remember... beee afraid! [We cut away to see the inside of another plane. John sits against the wall with his arms folded over his chest.] John: (Voice Over) Son of a bitch. What is up with James today? Something's going to go wrong, I just know it. Like Japan back in '96(*). We're gonna get fucked, hard. (* Note: Ever been shot three times, chased out of town by the combined forces of a large criminal organization, the local police, and a small but very frightening military? James and John have. It's all in the parent story if you're curious.) [The planes lift off in formation, flying towards a mountain range--a wall of unbroken rock that appears significantly less friendly than tomb at this distance. It is unlikely that the mountains will appear any friendlier up close.] John: (V.O.) Should have brought the Vaseline.... ---------- Title Flash: Episode 7: Thank you Sir!/ May I Have Another? ---------- [EXT. MOUNTAIN TERRAIN - DAY.] [Circle-pan around James and John. Both are up to their knees in weak, light green foliage that looks half-dead, standing only a few feet from the peak of a low mountain. In the background we see several equally rocky foothills. The sky is a clear, brilliant blue, and in the valley behind them is a jungle colored a dark and dangerous green. Behind them is a group of sixteen well equipped soldiers, who look wary but a little bored.] [James and John are putting the hill under a figurative microscope. John tinkers with a small device not unlike a laptop computer but with ten pounds of unidentifiable electronics hanging off of it. James is dressed--once again--in his ever present trench coat, which flutters in the weak breeze. He seems pleased to be here.] James: If we get any further into the middle of nowhere, we're gonna find a sign labeled 'The MIDDLE of Nowhere.' [A few of the nearby soldiers chuckle. John shuts down the device he is working with and places it in a canvas bag.] John: (shrugging) It should be right here. James: What, the sign? John: (blinks; he finally gets it) In a figurative and literal sense. James: Okay then. [James walks up to a boulder that is approximately the size of a fully-grown elephant. He looks at the rock formation for a second, then opens his coat. John pulls out his canteen and takes a swig, figuring James is using the great outdoors for a bathroom. Instead, the assassin pushes on the rock, causing it to swing into the hill like a well-maintained door.] [John spews cold water over the rocks while the soldiers become one with the landscape and aim a ridiculous amount of firepower at James' location.] [A small gust of wind blows by in the following silence.] [After another tense moment, the assassin is not snapped up by malignant supernatural forces, or quickly rendered a corpse by hidden traps....] James: (nonchalant; cocks his head to one side) Hmm... (to the troops) This way. John: I am not even going to touch that gag. Not for all the tea in... (remembers he's in China) aww fuck! [A random soldier pats him on the shoulder as he walks by. John notices the soldier has cold gray eyes.] Soldier: Chill out dude. [John takes a deep, calming breath, and waves half of the soldiers inside.] [INT. HIDDEN BASE - DAY.] [The group steps off a huge freight elevator into a large loading area with five doors, each big enough to swallow a good sized house. The floor is clean enough to build microchips. Cold white light spreads through every corner in the room, revealing all... which isn't much.] John: Totally abandoned. James: Must be pretty good sized. And geothermal to boot. (points at the lights overhead) Power's still on. Soldier: (into radio) We have a receiving area of some kind down here. Completely empty. No threats so far. [James walks up to an panel on the wall and presses most of the buttons in a flurry of motion. All five doors open at the same time, causing a repeat of events above. John sighs, this time sounding put-upon.] James: Loading area, guys. _Relax_. John: Once we get in further, we could be ambushed, you know. James: One, don't worry about it. We could be better prepared, but I'm not in the mood to drag this out waiting for backup. Two, if they're going to wait until we're well inside of this place, then we'll be locked in and surrounded by traps, so bringing ten more people won't help much. Three, it's not as if there's any force on earth that can stop the two of us. [James goes into the nearest room and checks out the desk and computer placed inside. The rest of that room and its four mates are identical in every detail, right down to all being totally devoid of both intelligent life and decorations.] Soldier: (different than gray eyes; to John) I get the feeling he's done this kind of thing before. [John shoots a withering glare at the soldier.] John: (curtly) This way. [James pulls away from the console, a PDA in hand. He taps it a few times and John pulls out an identical unit. On both screens is the same map, showing a facility with forty-five levels. The upper levels are easily large enough to hold five full-sized residential houses. The lower levels could hold five full-sized airplane hangers. Near the base of the facility is a geothermal power plant and another shipping/ receiving area. The camera pulls away from the map and follows the group into the brightly-lit, super-clean hallways.] [Cut to some time later. The group is moving through a large, square room. Emergency markings are in various convenient locations. Several large glass tubes running from the floor to the ceiling are spaced between immense steel tables. Cabinets and shelves virtually overflowing with bizarre chemicals ring the walls. Not so much as a crooked label is found.] John: Creepy. James: But well-equipped. Soldier: (the gray-eyes guy) Like the aftermath of a neutron bomb. James: A neutron bomb would leave bodies. [The phrase hangs in the air like a rotting corpse. The soldiers march on, as if stepping into Hell itself.] [Cut to much later. The group is near the lower levels. No fancy labs, no miniature offices. The room they are in is all industrial piping and huge steel vessels. Steam hisses and growls, condensation gurgling wetly in the pipes like a ripe zombie.] John: Nothing. Not a fuckin' thing. James: At least this area's much warmer. [John is about to retort when a cat meows.] John: (wide eyed) Whatthefuckwasthat?!! [James stands ramrod straight, then slowly looks down. His expression softens.] James: Aw... it's so cute.... John: It's creepy. Don't pick it u--JAMES! James: (holding a white kitten to his chest while petting it) What? John: (rubbing forehead) Never mind. This place is getting to me. James: Everything is in it's place. I don't get what the problem is. John: Why is it abandoned then? Everything works! Everything works perfectly! Why is this... (points at the kitten) this... THING the only living being down here?! I haven't even seen a cockroach, dammit! James: You keep your damn cockroaches out of this conversation. Look, nothing's gone wrong so far. We're done with this part of the mission anyway. It's time to leave. If nothing happens before we make it out of here, will you admit this wasn't so creepy? John: ... No. James: (holds the kitten out to John) I'll call it Muffin! Wanna pet 'em? John: ... [Muffin seems indifferent to John's reaction, content to merely look cutely put-upon. Several of the soldiers take up James' offer, however, further annoying John. Finally, Barker gives in and pets the animal.] John: All right. Let's get out of here. This place is weirding me out. [INT. CENTRAL DOGMA - DAY.] [In what will come to be called the 'bridge' of NERV, Dave stands like the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. He has his best 'its good to be the king' expression on his face while he watches dozens of technicians work around the viewing area. Dave's satellite phone rings. The following conversation is in English.] Dave: (into phone) Hello? John: (from phone) Hey, Dave? This is Barker. Dave: Where are you calling from? John: The middle of nowhere, in China. Is the line secure? [Dave looks at his phone for a second.] Dave: Everything is secure at this end. How are things going? John: Strange but good. We gained entry to the base without a problem, but there was no-one inside. Dave: Excellent. Was everything in proper order? John: That was the strangest--what do you mean 'excellent'? Dave: Well, they upheld their end of the contract. John: What contract? Who upheld what? Dave: Didn't you read the report? That base was purchased from the Chinese government about a month ago, right after we were chartered. Part of contract stipulated that all equipment and facilities be clean and left in good working order. John: ... Dave: I... forgot to put that in your orders, didn't I? John: Yes. Yes you did. Dave: (rubbing his forehead just as John did earlier) Jesus.... I assume James handled everything? John: If you mean 'nearly got us killed,' then yes. Dave: Right. Well, I'm looking at the installation of Central Dogma's holographic display right now. File your report as usual. Kat should be there soon, I'll be in my office debriefing Ed, et cetera. John: Right. Um... something else happened. Dave: Oh? John: James picked up a new pet. Dave: No pandas, I hope. John: No. You'll have to ask him about it when he gets back. Dave: Trying to tantalize me? John: Warning you. Dave: Okay, I'll keep a baseball bat on hand. Any other surprises? John: He also wants me to go with him to a place called Jusenkyo. It's about two hundred kilometers away.... You know what that's about? Dave: I do. And for the record, the pertinent information will soon be part of our operations manual. John: Wait, we have an operations manual? Dave: It's a work in progress. Just let James explain. John: What? Are you trying to get me killed?! Dave: He has the demonstration equipment! John: (sighs) Fine. I'll go talk to him. Expect my report in a day or two. Dave: Thank you, John, and Godspeed. [Dave hangs up the phone, then looks at the workers moving about Central Dogma.] Dave: (mysterious look) If only they knew.... [INT. DAVE'S "GOD OFFICE" - DAY.] [Ed opens the door, stepping in at a hurried pace. Handel's "Messiah" starts playing immediately, with the choir especially strong. Heavenly light beams upon the weapons maker, who stops and looks around suspiciously.] Voice: ED. Ed: Huh? Dave? (squinting against the light) Can you turn the lights down, dude? Voice: ED. GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT. Ed: Uh... perhaps I used _too_ much explosives in that last test. (considers) Nah.... Voice: ED, BRING ME NACHOS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. Ed: ... The fuck? Voice: NO ED, THE NACHOS. GO, MY CHILD, AND DO NO RETURN UNTIL YOU HAVE SECURED ME NACHOS. Ed: ... [The lights are reduced to reveal an immense and opulent garden with flowing fountains carved from marble and fields of grass, each blade positioned perfectly, as if every seed was planted and raised by hand. The sun (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) bathes the garden in golden light. The Messiah still plays in the background, but at a reduced volume. Ed looks down to find himself standing on a white stone path that leads to the far side of the garden, between two immense weeping willows.] Ed: (profound) ... Ah, nachos. Dave: (across the garden) Of course, my friend. This way! [Ed takes the path to Dave, looking about the 'room.'] Ed: What is all this? Dave: My new office. [A peal of ominous thunder follows Dave's words.] Ed: (nervous) Oh. (normal) I like the Handel. Nice touch. Dave: (God Voice) THANK YOU. Ed: (leaping nearly out of his skin) Jesus! Dave: (God Voice) THAT IS MY SON, AND HE IS BUSY. Ed: (large sweat drop) Riiight... [Ed almost sighs in relief before he notices that his panicked leap has put him right next a fountain carved in the form of a topless female angel. A moment passes as his eyes slowly drift down to see how his hands are grasping the statue's bust.] Ed: (yanks hands away as they are on fire) Yipe! Dave: (normal voice) But enough of that. [Ignoring Ed's antics and deer-in-headlights look, Dave sits at his desk with the smooth, deliberate motions of a king re-acquainting himself with his throne.] Dave: First thing's first. We've got a base in China that needs additional equipment. Get a maintenance crew cleared, set up check points, the usual. We can't go on using the local military bases forever. Second, what's up with the loading mechanism? Ed: (sits with a magician's flourish) I'm glad you asked. (glances at the statues as if they will start listening in) Okay, I started with that mecha from Aliens-- Dave: The old sci-fi thriller. Ed: Don't interrupt! And then I tossed in some Getter Robo ideas-- Dave: Very old anime, but the robots were much too large... Ed: Who's telling this story, you or I? [Dave leans forward in his chair.] Dave: (somber) I'm asking for a report, not your rendition of 'War and Peace.' Ed: Building an adjustable frame was out of the question, and I didn't want to use some shape-shifting alloy to fit people of different body types, so I made a generic design with numerous interchangeable pieces that make each part of the body different sizes. Dave: Care to run that by me again, in English, and with proper grammar this time? Ed: Look, the suit is designed to carry hooker crates of enormously varying sizes. In smaller designs, the operator has to be just a bit smaller than the mecha. Suppose that the elbow joints line up for one user; the CFF* controls will be easy to reach and manipulated. However, the next person who needs the suit could have longer arms, or just be taller. At best, the controls would be hard to operate, at worst, the suit would be useless. These things aren't fighter planes, you know. We can't custom build every last one of them for a specific operator, we need something flexible. With this design, the mecha is more like a long list of parts, but several parts will come in a variety of sizes. With a small assortment of spares on hand, loading frames can be modified to match the person using them. Dave: A suit. What are you going to call these things? Ed: Hmm... A 'Loading Frame,' officially. Just 'Frame' for short. Dave: We aren't the tailor business, but I'm beginning to see some merits in your ideas... and that's scary. How will people modify these things? Ed: Don't worry about that part, Dave. The frame can be laid down in a maintenance mode which will make swapping parts a matter of adjusting shafts and latches, and maybe tightening a few bolts. Each part should be light enough that two stout men or a bit of rope rigging can handle them. Dave: (nodding slowly) Hmm... this sounds confusing, yet promising. What have you actually built? Ed: We're about forty parts short of having enough to build one working unit. Each unit takes about 1400 parts altogether--you know, counting the computers and such. Dave: What volumes are we talking? Ed: These are prototype pieces. All custom built, one of a kind stuff. We _can_ tool up for volume productions--build thousands easily. The accountants we have chained up in the dungeon are ready to roll numbers for us and everything. Dave: Excellent. I just need a demonstration. Ed: No problem. Give me about ten days. Dave: Done. [Ed turns to leave, skipping merrily along the path to the exit.] Dave: And Ed? Ed: (stops and faces Dave) Yeah? Dave: (warning tone) Don't paint it yellow with black markings. Ed: (continues on his way) I was thinking purple with yellow and black markings. Dave: (makes a face) Ick. Ed: (sing-songy) It's not whether I win or loose, it's how much I piss you off... [EXT. ABOVE JUSENKYO VALLEY - DAY.] [The surrounding area looks very similar to the opening scene from episode 1: Very large, very old, and very green forested areas. A large valley splits the forest, framed in by tall cliffs and steep foot hills covered in huge trees interspersed with thick, tangled undergrowth.] [At the top of one such cliff stands James, looking out over the valley. From his vantage point, we can see a thick mist covering the valley floor, with a few pools of oddly clear water twinkling at the edge of the mists.] James: (to someone off-set) You sent your report to Dave already? [Pull back to reveal John walking slowly up to James, following an old trail that leads to the cliff face, apparently a popular lookout spot. Both look a little travel-worn and are now wearing the heavy black trench coats that James has been fond of in the last few episodes.] John: Yeah. What's with this hiking trip out into the middle of nowhere? James: (nonchalant) I felt like jumping out of a helicopter and walking a few dozen miles. Deal with it. John: (folds his arms over his chest) And I felt like following. Now what on earth crawled up your ass? James: (screaming to the heavens) I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! [James leaps from the cliff, casting himself into the abyss. John shrugs and calmly walks up to the cliff's edge to take a peek. James is standing on a large rock out-cropping not ten feet from the top of the cliff.] John: (deadpan) You're a riot, you know that? James: (grinning; pulls out a canteen) Aren't I? You don't look very surprised. John: You're wearing a parachute. James: (nods in understanding) Well, of course. I wish I could have kept my armored model. This 'extra light' Coat doesn't make me feel well protected. [James splashes a bit of water from the canteen on himself and places it back on her belt, adjusting her clothes. John blinks. Then boggles. Then blinks again.] John: Damn. How did you--I didn't even see--uh.... James: (looking up) What? John: (smirks) I didn't see James leave. Nice cleavage though. Where did you come from? James: Wha? (pulling her shirt closed) It's me, you asshole! John: (mocking) 'It's me!' [Cut to slow motion so what happens next can actually be seen by people who aren't super-assassins. James leaps from the rock out-cropping, the force of her jump fracturing the stone and sending a large part towards the valley blow. She puts one hand at the edge of the cliff, pivoting around it while using her momentum to perform a flying sideways leg sweep on John. John's legs are hit with such force that he is spun nearly 180 degrees mid-air before James plants her feet on the ground and hits John in the chest with a palm strike that sends him flying backwards into the shrubs that line the approaching trail. Time snaps back to normal, with James staring at her hand.] John: (coughing, from the bushes) What the fuck was that for? James: (still staring at her hand) You _were_ being an asshole... but now I'm sure I wasn't hallucinating. [John stalks out of the bushes, coming straight for the short, female James Rahn.] John: (threatening tone) Hallucinating what? I'm the one who's hallucinating! James: John, let me explain? John: (grabs James by the collar) Who are you? Who ARE you?! James: A banana receptacle. John: That's not funny. James: True. Care to try me again? [Slow-motion time again. John attacks, picking James up and throwing a lightning-fast kick into her gut. Just before the boot connects, she twists violently out of the way, and somehow clotheslines John in the back of the head. The stocky man stumbles forward, rubbing the rising bump on his noggin.] John: I'll be a skinned Triceratops. James: I think its magic. You know, like ghosts and demons and boogie men hiding under children's beds. Less like David Copperfield and more like the Witches of Eastwick. John: (single raised eyebrow) Magic. James: (points behind her) John, below us is a valley. You can see it from here. See those pools at the edge of the mist? There's more pools hidden inside of that mist--hundreds more--they _cover_ the valley floor. This place, the 'pools of sorrow' is called Jusenkyo, and the few people who know it's name speak it only with disgust, fear, or awe. John: Jusenkyo? James: It's a cursed land, John. An ancient place filled with old magic. At least... that's what I think. I hadn't seen it before about a month and a half ago, but there's legends here that go past any written records. John: And the last time you saw it... [James points at herself.] James: _This_. Let me show you. [Cut to some time later. Female James (who, from here onward will be called Arcana) and John are skirting the edge of the perma-mist, looking over the dozens upon dozens of small clear pools it conceals.] John: You know, this mist doesn't look thick enough to obscure this place like it did when we were on the cliff. (looks up) Is it thinning out already? The sun doesn't seem to reach down here.... Arcana: It's magical, John. It doesn't have to obey the normal laws of physics. John: So what kind of laws does it obey? Arcana: _Magical_ ones... that I know virtually nothing about. There's over a hundred of these smaller pools around, and none of them can be seen from above. Get in a plane and the valley virtually fades from sight. Naturally, satellite photographs are _completely_ useless. John: Creepy fuckin' voodoo. So is it some kind of magical barrier? Arcana: Charm. Protection. Cloak. Ward. I'm not sure what the difference is. (speaks into his watch) Note: Find a magical expert later and grill him on this crap. (to John) I think it breaks the law of non- determination; you know, Heisenberg and dead cats? John: Duh. Partial knowledge of all states, complete knowledge of a select few. So we get a few legends that map out its purpose, or find the location and know nothing about it. Arcana: (stunned look of revelation) Yes... that's it exactly! John: I knew there was a reason you brought me here. Arcana: Wait, wait, no it can't be. Pictures of this aren't on satellite photographs! John: The mist? Arcana: We've got gear that cuts right through this stuff. John: Are you sure they weren't just overlooked? Or more likely, just labeled unimportant? Arcana: Suppose it works like this: When a picture of it is taken, developed, and then shown to someone who has never seen it before, they will form their own opinions about what they see based on their past life experiences. If there's pools of water, they'll see pools of water. Naturally, they wouldn't see magical pools of water. But suppose they didn't see any water, just a random, faceless valley full of plants? John: What if they were looking for something magical? What if they had a good idea of where it was at, knew what it was, and were deliberately searching for it. Would some random Joe off the street see water where there isn't in these hypothetical pictures? Arcana: Yet I found the place without a problem. John: (scratches his chin) You're going nowhere with this. Arcana: Maybe the magic changes once you've gone to it. John: You are still going nowhere with this. Find your expert. Arcana: I will... oh yes, I will. [They walk for a while in silence before Arcana comes to a halt in front of one of the pools. She kneels and starts digging into the muddy ground with her hand.] John: So, what are we here for again? Arcana: According to legend, this place has been here for over four thousand years. Complete and formed just as it is now. Various stories that _might_ be talking about it date back beyond our ability to pinpoint. But back to the subject of whether or not it can be seen. John: A subject I think we've already dropped. [Out of the corner of his eye, John notices the back of Arcana's trench coat moving. As his glance changes to a curious look, a tail covered in brown fur and apparently attached to Arcana snakes out from under the coat and waves about randomly in the air.] John: Uh... James? [Arcana stands and tosses something brown and gold at John. He catches the object, finding it to be a simple leather pouch filled with worn gold coins, ancient pieces of treasure that one would find on a Spanish Galleon sunk in the 1400's.] John: (mild shock) You have a tail. Arcana: And a rather fine one I must say-- (as if on cue, her literal tail comes around her waist and taps her on the wrist) Oh... _that_. Yes, I have a tail. [Arcana seems to concentrate for a few seconds and the tail recedes to the rear of her trench coat.] John: ... Arcana: I... forgot to mention that, didn't I? John: Yes. Yes you-- (shakes his head) never mind. (looks at the treasure) So this is... Arcana: Old. Very old. John: (looks closely at the coins) Spanish? Arcana: (with perfect Japanese accent) Hai. [Arcana turns back to the mist, walking slowly into the heart of Jusenkyo valley. John looks at the coins for a moment, looks up to see Arcana wandering off.] John: A tail. [He then follows.] [Later. Arcana and John stand in the middle of Jusenkyo, the mist still present and now thicker than earlier. John is looking around casually, his eyes following indistinct shadows with the ease of long practice. Meanwhile, Arcana watches the pools almost absently, her face a mask of mild annoyance.] John: What are you looking for? Arcana: The pool I fell into. John: (looking uncertainly at Arcana) You fell into one of these things? Arcana: Why do you think I'm a woman now? John: Ah... interesting line of reasoning. You fall into a hiding magical pool and suddenly you're a woman. Par for today, I think. Arcana: Hello? Earth to John, what the fuck did you think that water was for? John: (shrugs) You were hot. Arcana: That's it. You're talking with a soprano voice for three days after we back to Japan. (pause, deep breath) I'm cursed now to change into this female alien whenever I come in contact with a significant amount of cold water, and only change back when I come in contact with warm water. (looks over her shoulder) Huh? John: (following Arcana's look, hand in his coat suspiciously) Huh what? Arcana: What? John: Huh? Arcana: What?! John: Nothing! Jeeze.... [Arcana reaches slowly into her jacket pocket, and pulls out a large green lollipop, quickly relieves it of it's wrapper, then sticks the appropriate end into her mouth.] John: (pointing; angry) Hey! HEEEY! Arcana: What? John: (childish) I want one! I want one! [John begins playfully trying to grab Arcana's lollipop. She holds him back with one hand, playing a game of keep-away. This continues for a few moments, until John's left hand, extended for support, happens to land on Arcana's left breast with an audible "goosh."] [The two instantly freeze, looking first at the offending body parts, then into each other's eyes.] Arcana: You are fucking _dead_! [John removes his hands with hitherto unknown speed and looks at James with eyes the size of soup saucers.] John: Sorry. [Arcana glares daggers at him for another minute, then removes a thermos from her coat and with a splash of water, changes into James.] James: (sigh) Ah, much better. [Inevitably, he pauses to readjust his clothing and flick some errant water off of his threads, but suddenly pauses in the middle of his first flicking motion.] James: We're being watched. John: (quietly) Where? James: (whisper quiet) No more than fifteen yards. [John's stance remains completely casual. The two walk around a few pools, finding a relatively dry area with short stalks of old bamboo sticking out of the ground.] James: NOW! [The pair hooks their arms together and begin energetically dancing. Not more than a split second after the first step, one of the bamboo poles is hit by an errand sniper's bullet. James pushes John flat onto the ground, then instinctively blocks an unseen strike before joining his friend on the muddy earth.] John: (idly) Ouch. James: Was I too rough? [John points at the large throwing knife sticking out of James' arm. The blade has slipped under the cuff of James' Coat and apparently pushed an inch or so under James' skin, the handle left sticking out next his hand.] James: (curtly) Hrm. [Cue the pounding techno music. John and James suddenly look less like people and more like vengeful ghosts full of terrible anger. Their faces are flat an emotionless as a bowling alley at 4:31 a.m. on a Wednesday and their eyes are covered by wrap-around mirror-reflective sunglasses.] [Seven ninja spring from the mist, dodging around bamboo poles and pools of water with equal ease. All are dressed in classical ninja garb, and several carry long staffs tipped with slim metal points. Not quite spears, but not quite plain bo staffs either.] [James dodges two, then tries to clothesline a third. As the lucky assassin rolls out of the way, James spins to face the remaining pair. The two surge forward and attack simultaneously in solid stream of attacks. James dodges and slides back a few steps, then abruptly slaps aside the two sticks before weaving in front of one of the ninja while kicking the other in the kneecap. The first pulls back, holding his staff in a defensive position while the third ninja who had escaped James' initial attack, comes up behind him, ready for pay back.] [In single, blindingly fast movement, James spins to meet his attacker and lunges towards him. He catches the ninja's arm at the elbow, slamming a knife-hand strike into the joint and smashing the cartilage with an audible pop. Without missing a beat, he leans to the side to allow ninja number two's staff fly past him. He ducks a wild left hook while curling his uninjured arm around the staff and turning to face the ninja. The ninja lets go of the pole and steps back to regroup. James pulls the knife from his bleeding and wounded arm and lunges at the ninja's exposed back, ramming the knife in to the hilt. The audience is spared a rather graphic scene as the ninja falls out of frame and quietly dies.] [James finishes the first ninja--still not on his feet--with a negligent shot from a handgun he draws and holsters seemingly without movement. Then he closes in on ninja number three....] [Meanwhile, John is attacked by the remaining four ninja. Each delivers an opening blow--one right after the other--and John simply counters into the attacks by delivering a single cartilage-smashing punch to each of their noses right through their black hoods. In the comical pause that follows, he draws a compact firearm--which we recognize as one of the assault rifles the JSDF squad was carrying earlier in this episode. The ninjas immediately throw several darts at him. Several darts each. A half-second later, John is glaring angrily at the four while about a dozen poised darts fall harmlessly off of his trench coat.] [The ninjas finally seem to realize they're out-classed as John hasn't so much as flinched since the fight began and James has offed two and rendered and third subconscious with no more difficultly than the average man would have taking out his garbage.] John: (dangerously casual) They look surprised. James: (also dangerously casual despite bleeding wound) Must be the masks. John: We clear? James: No, but there's only one--two, tops--who can throw knives at range. If they had bows, they would have used them. [John fires a strange look at James, who either doesn't sense it or ignores it and looks into the distance.] John: (prompting) Bows? [James' eyes flicker over the four ninjas John is holding at gun point.] James: Kill them. [In about one and a half seconds, he does so.] John: Now what? [But James isn't looking at John.] [Pan into James' point of view. He's looking into the mist-covered valley, with John out of frame. The mist parts ethereally, revealing an army ten thousand strong standing on the razer thing cliffs to the west. They are dressed in large piece of black armor. Despite the fact they are gathered here for a battle, they do not appear threatening.] [To the north, striking from the heavy forest leading right down to the valley floor, another large army opens up with a massive volley of flaming arrows. Even as they streak across the valley, their light playing over the pools and bamboo poles eerily, they fade and strike a blue shield in the south-east corner of the valley--the main entrance. The moon comes out to play tag with the sun, and the sky darkens as if the very light has been pulled unmercifully from the sky. Two humanoid figures leap into the sky, hundreds of feet above the ground, and go toe-to-toe with a thousand other winged warriors. The fight is too fast and too chaotic to follow closely, but the winged ones are clearly losing. Soon, none are left in the sky, but other fighters meet the besieged duo. Lighting of all colors--even a black purer than any night--sear the space above the valley. More flaming arrows attack from the ground. In time, the twin warriors finally wear down most of the resistance... only to find that their opponents have considerable backup and it has just arrived.] [A final image overlays the scene, covering up the opening of a second, larger battle. A beaten figure is falling from the sky like a rock, the form resolving into a body. It is clearly a woman, short and well built, with a tail.] James: (VO) Arcana.... [John is snapping his fingers in front of James' face.] John: Hello? Dude? James: Huh? We win again? John: Don't start. You left one conscious. I assume you were going to question him before you blanked out. James: I saw something. John: (cocky) That was a mirage. C'mon, just question this guy and I'll buy you a beer. James: (thinking) Mirage? (out loud) I'd tell you I think I'm going insane, but I'm afraid you'll belive me. John: But James, you aren't afraid of anything. [Slowly fade to black.] James: (VO) I know. ---------- Title card: Episode 7: Thank you Sir!/ May I Have Another? ---------- [INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - SOFT LIGHTING.] [Dave sits regally at his desk in a fine suit, a stack of fresh paperwork no less than half a meter high meticulously stacked before him.] [Dave opens the top folder on the pile. The entire document is maybe a dozen pages, and the folder is made of a dull gray plastic. A white strip on one edge is lettered with black capitals, reading: South China Base - Recon 1, Final Field Reporting (JB). Dave idly notes that Barker is filing his reports ahead of schedule, then opens the plastic and looks at the executive summary.] [The executive summary reads, in total: FUCK YOU, Sincerely, J. Barker.] [Dave flips to the rest of the report with a wide smile that lights up his eyes.] [EXT. MOUNTAIN BASE - MID-DAY.] [Close-up of John's hand turning off his portable computer. Slow pan & zoom to a panoramic shot of the mountainous terrain which houses Branch X's newest base. John sits on a convenient out-cropping of rock, back in his worn blue jeans and white T-shirt, but now wearing the expected black trench coat over them. The wind plays with his hair as if trying to gently push out his busy thoughts and infuse him with Calm.] John: (VO) Okay. Almost everything was a success, despite James' usual antics. I should have expected as much from him. Everything went exceedingly well, Dave has his report--I hope he doesn't take offense at my calling card. Jusenkyo is full of blood-thirsty assassins, but what else is new? James has been attacked by hordes of blood-thirsty assassins returning rented videos.... [John's shoulders lift for a moment, then slump as he sighs.] John: (VO) He's just _James_. And what went on back in Jusenkyo was just fucking _weird_. He told me everything he'd seen, everything since... since the curse. All of this is really beginning to bother me and I can't figure out why. I suppose that once I know, I'll have to tell him. More likely, I'll have to scream it at him with a megaphone and cram the written version down his throat-- [Carrie taps John on the shoulder. With her foot. At about forty miles per hour.] John: (blocking a series of follow-up blows that would incapacitate a bear) Jesus fucking CHRIST, woman! What is wrong with you?! Carrie: (continuing the attack) Just testing your reflexes! [The exchange ends as abruptly as it began, and both stop and bow to one another. Now that the two are moving slower than the speed of sound, we can see that Carrie is wearing an all-concealing white lab coat. When John sees this, he quirks an eyebrow.] John: I take it you're here for James? Carrie: (pulls the orders out of a notebook held tightly at her side) Here, these are (sees the papers) my plane tickets? Hold on a second. [The eyebrow goes even higher.] John: How do women fight in those kinds of clothes? Carrie: It's explained in detail in chapter three of the Woman's International Union Handbook. Unfortunately, union rules prohibit me from showing you the chapter in question. John: (deadpan) I suspected something like that. [Carrie presents the requested papers, which John quickly signs and hands back.] John: You're in charge now, ma'am. [Carrie strips off the lab coat to reveal a striking pantsuit in pastel blues. John's eyebrow twitters while Carrie lets the coat drop uncerimoniously to the ground where is lays like a gutted fish.] Carrie: First question. Where is James? John: Up to his ears in trouble. Carrie: ... John: Up to his ears in trouble somewhere on level three. Carrie: And the organism? John: Apparently it's a cat. Nothing unusual, let alone dangerous has showed up in our tests. Carrie: Sounds good. The reinforcements came in with me, along a bunch of scientists. John: Hence the lab coat? Carrie: What? No, this is mine. I was worried it might be windy up here. John: (small grin) Sorry to disappoint, ma'am. Carrie: (matching grin) All right. Let's get this show on the road! [INT. LOADING BAY, SOUTH CHINA BASE - HARSH LIGHTING.] [James is sitting at a fold-up table with three guards (A, B, and C) wearing military uniforms. Another four guards watch the main entrance (two by the door, and two in the security booth), which opens to permit John and Carrie to enter.] James: Got any threes? Guard A: Go fish. Carrie & John: (in unison) DIE!!! [Before the echo fades, all three guards and the card table have been pushed to the floor and James is landing from a five-foot high jump--straight up--with two handguns drawn and trained on the intruders.] James: As God is my chauffeur, I swear that the next person to do that WILL get a bullet in the gullet. John: I never had you figured for a poet, James. Carrie: How are things, killer? James: (putting away his guns) Yeah, yeah, how the fuck are you two doing? [The three guards pick themselves up off of the floor and clean up the card game.] John: Just great. James: (to Carrie) The place is yours? Carrie: (nodding) Inheriting broken goods again. [James' shark-like smile matches her's perfectly.] James: Excellent, that means I'm off--finally. John: Don't like our hospitality? James: (smirks) Can't stand the weather--it rains assassins here. John: I'll see you in Tokyo-3, then. Carrie: Good bye James. James: (looks curiously at Carrie for a second) Nice lab coat, by the way. [James breezes past the pair and out of the doors before either of them pick their jaws up off the floor and put their eyes back into their sockets.] John: What-- Carrie: --the-- John: --fu-- [Cut to black.] [Cue Metallica's "Better Than You" faintly in the background as the narrator's deep, booming voice speaks over the scenes.] Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION! [Kat drops a stack of reports on Dave's massive desk, her eyes glued to his.] Narrator: QUESTIONS. [Same scene, Kat is listening to Dave but looking at James.] Dave: Kat, James is a ghost hunter. Has been since they started showing up. Narrator: ANSWERS. [James and Kat are crouched behind the remains of a building that dates back to the seventeenth century. They appear to be surrounded by similar ruins that divide this place into a kind of make-shift maze. Both are reloading an assortment of conventional weapons quickly, James speaking to Kat while as they do.] James: There are certain types of weapons that can harm them. Similar to how garlic is as toxic to vampires as cyanide is to humans, things can be used to kill ghosts. And they do... 'die.' Once they're no longer corporeal, their ability to affect this world is essentially gone. Narrator: AND AN AIR-CONDITIONED TRENCH COAT. [James stands in the entry of a shop, the camera is carefully focused on him, leaving the trashed store behind him out of focus. John stands on the steps, looking at James in bewilderment.] James: Oh, this one has an air-conditioning unit in it. Since the seasons have changes so much since SI and I need the Coat's armor, Ed devised a one-man cooling system to keep me from passing out due to heat stroke. John: Where's the off switch? [James glares flatly at John.] Narrator: ALL IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF SIDESTEP:EVANGELION! [Ending credits:] Ranting, Sidestep, lots of other stuff: Jared Waddell, HQ Consulting: Insanity Productions Staff Remarks: John Genoni, Pullman Branch Insults, Death Threats: Fan Fiction Mailing List (ffml) Absolutely Nothing: Andy Mucha, Kennewick Bunker Miko Mido, the Shikima, and Those With Tentacles are from 'La Blue Girl.' Tokyo-3 and all things and characters present regarding Eva are from Neon Genesis: Evangelion. No copyright infringement is intended. This work is copyrighted but non-profit. Perhaps in the vein of a bizarre parody, but I'm guessing not. All other characters, unless noted, are copyright Insanity Productions. Original characters created by Insanity Productions may be used in freely in other non-profit works, without the author's prior assent (you can get it, but you don't have to). Special effects provided by Insanity Productions Technical Department. And thank you, the reader, for reading.