NARRATOR: LAST TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION, WE SAW THE INTERIOR OF NERV AND GOT REALLY CONFUSED BY JOHN'S RANTING.... OKAY, I GOT REALLY CONFUSED. YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, DON'T YOU? ======================================================================== Warning: I need to make a statement here, hence the fancy border. This story is not your average PG-13 fanfic, nor is it an unreasonably bizarre action-oriented, authors-take-over-Evangelion fic. It has become, over time, a full-fledged story with a great deal of depth and a huge number of interesting characters. Currently, a full nine seasons (13 episodes each) have been planned and are being written/outlined diligently by myself. Now, because of this story's characters (particularly Miko Mido and her extended family), this episode features a bit of sex, which some people may find offensive. I won't give you a speech about being open-minded. To put it bluntly, everything is toned down. Use your imagination if you want, but this sucker has a plot and the sex is an essential part of it--not the main attraction. Warnings: Graphic violence, use of firearms, death and dismemberment Extreme sexual innuendo, some graphic sex Implied sex between mystical beings/monster/demons and humans Casual use of explicit language Present-tense descriptions can be hard to read ======================================================================== C&C, Flames, Anything, welcome at: rick_spiff@yahoo.com Posted at Insanity Production's home page: http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/ ~ Begin fic ~ [Opening Music is Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' played very loudly. A montage of shots flash by to the bars of the song, mostly of the Sidestep cast and various Eva characters dressed in kick-ass clothes and shooting things out of frame. Splattered here and there among the characters are various explosions for variety.] [Music cuts out.] [EXT. TOKYO-3, NERV SURFACE RECEPTION PLAZA - MORNING.] [Note: For the most part, this episode is in Japanese.] [The NERV office plaza is a square-shaped building rotated 45 degrees relative to the city streets such that each of the four ground-level corners points down a different street. With the three other corners rented to local businesses, the actual NERV office only occupies the corner that directly faces Street F. Street F itself is lined with a number of other businesses, banks, and stores. It also has several areas not unlike shortened alleyways, which have vending machines set up along them.] [The corner of the main NERV building is made of glass, with the wall space between the four corners covered in grey granite. The reception area of the NERV offices is easily visible through the glass front. Around the building, a square plaza is set up with several benches and a small amount of parking. The plaza itself is about a meter below street level, while the building is almost a meter above street level. This allows room for a partially visible underground parking garage, well hidden by the mass of the building, and makes the building itself look even more like a cube.] [In the open plaza, two characters from the last episode are taking a little breather before work. Demi is dressed in a sharp-looking paint- suit, sitting on one of the benches in meditation. Her coworker, who we never saw in the last episode, is a tall, rail-thing Chinese man named Stef. He wears a charcoal gray business suit. His three hundred dollar (30,000 yen) Italian shoes are sitting on the bench next to Demi and he's working his way through a Gung-Fu kata fluidly.] [Without warning, the peaceful scene shattered is by a sudden explosion. A five-story office building, rips itself apart mere blocks from the NERV plaza, hurling chunks of concrete and glass across the nearly deserted Street F. The force of the explosion exposes the twisted, flaming skeleton of the interior. Demi stands bolt upright the sound, and Stef briefly ducks, then looks around nervously.] Demi: What in the name of God? [Then a giant green tentacle snakes out from the heart of the wreckage, then another, and another. Still hidden by the cloud of dust from the explosion, an inhuman roar cuts through the lazy morning air like the crack of a cannon.] Stef: (looking at the newly-arrived, five-story tall demon) Eeew. I don't think God had anything to do with _that_. ---------- Title card: SIDESTEP:EVANGELION Episode 4: Two of One Heart/ Try, Try Again ---------- [EXT. CHARRED REMAINS OF DESTROYED BUILDING - MORNING.] [The beast is a tentacle monster, pure and simple. Nothing but big green tentacles are visible, though it appears that there might be a solid body at the center of the mass. One of the larger tentacles establishes its power and durability by smashing a car parked on the street into a pancake of plastic and metal.] Demi: God may not have created that fucking beast, but we'd better deal with it. And what's that? Stef: (pauses) What is it what? [Just then, a screaming woman running from the mess trips on a chunk of concrete outside of the gutted building. The monster partially ignores the other frightened survivors as it partakes in a little 'recreational activity' involving the woman...] Demi: (ever so slightly pale) That.... Stef: (eyebrow raised) I see. [The odd couple look at each other, screams and moans undulate for a few seconds, intermingled. Tentacles big enough to snap an 18-wheeler writhe in the air. Finally, the pair reaches a silent agreement. Demi grabs Stef's shoes and hands them to the man. Stef carefully puts them on, and the two bolt for the safety of their office.] [INT. NERV RECEPTION AREA, MORNING.] Demi: (Panic Mode) Hit the alarms! Stef: (pounding a big red button behind the receptionist's counter) I'm on it! Demi: (looking through the glass front of the room) NOOOO!!! It's going for the Quick-E-Mart down the road! Stef: (suddenly by Demi's side with two huge guns) We must stop the evil! [Demi grabs one of the weapons and both watch as a small red BMW comes around the corner next to the monster. The two make it to the front doors, stop to check their weapons, then look up to see the car embed itself into the monster with a wet 'PLOP!' Strangely, this BMW is equipped with an ejection system, which hurls the driver out of danger with a bang. Demi and Stef are suddenly sporting sweat-drops.] Demi: What the... Stef: ... hell? [James, the driver of the car, clambers to his feet and tosses away the driver's seat, cursing all the while. He pauses to adjust his trench coat, then glares at the monster as it devours the BMW whole.] James: You MOTHER-FUCKER! [It pauses as if it can understand the assassin, prompting James to pull out a pair of Desert Eagles and try to put it down. An amount of damage most people would call 'insignificant' is done to the monster. James bolts for the alleyway across the street, then watches with curiosity as the monster chooses to ignore him and and go back to its 'play.'] [Out comes the cell phone.] James: (into the phone) Ed? Hello? I need some munitions here! ... No, I need them right now! ... what was in the car? It ATE the fucking car! ... Something bigger than that... Hell yes! Like a tank! [He slaps the phone closed and pulls a flamethrower from his coat with a flourish. Demi and Stef step into the alley.] Stef: Oi! James! James: Huh? Oh, you guys. (takes in the white collar clothes) Not exactly dressed for an afternoon of monster extermination, I see. [Upon getting a closer look at James, a blush clouds Demi's features and we can see she goes into a mushy internal dialogue by the way she balls her hands into little fists and holds them under her chin while gazing into James' eyes lovingly. Predictably, James doesn't seem to notice even thought Stef coughs pointedly into his hand.] Stef: (offering) Er, we're kinda new at these things. James: No problem, I understand. You two can fire those things, right? Stef: Yeah. James: Good, get behind cover. (points down the street) Down there. I've got backup on the way. If you can, help give some first aid. Only shoot if it comes after you. And please, please don't shoot me by accident. Demi: (suddenly snaps out of her internal monologue) Of course not, James-sama! [The men go silent. Demi grows a sweat-drop, looking sheepish to the point of super-deformed.] Demi: (insistent) Well, I won't! James: Riiight. Just take cover so we can kick this thing's ass and be home in time for corn flakes. Stef: Corn flakes? Demi: Anno... isn't that line from a movie? James: Corn flakes are good, nummy goodness. And no, that's not from a movie, Demi, it's-- [An inhuman cry rents the air, followed closely by a nauseating `splat.' Not unlike a gallon of Jello dropped on concrete, go sprays over our heroes.] Stef: Don't say it. Demi, let's move. [Demi turns to James, her gun held under one arm. Sparkles of of light in soft colors and fields of flowers fill her version, with a handsome- vision (tm) James in the middle of all of it, smiling lovingly.] Demi: For you, James, anything... [The romantic music swells for a moment, then a bloody, severed human arm flies through the space between them and makes another splat. Reality returns with a vengeance. James is looking at Demi like she's been muttering "Kill them all... yes my precious..." or something similar, the whole time. Stef takes her gently by the arm as another wave of goo lands on James.] James: (nods to himself; satisfied) Nice girl. [The assassin peaks out from his cover to see the monster really getting it on with the women. Some of them are looking the worse off for it. The human body just is not designed to stand up to the less-than-gentle actions of a monster with the mass of a medium-sized building.] James: (shouting to the beast, in English) All right, you bastard, let's get it on! [James charges the monster, flamethrower at the ready. Casually, a tentacle flips over a parked car directly in front of James. The assassin just barely jumps to the side of it where a massive tentacle, over eight feet across, hits him like a baseball bat taking down a kitten. The blow sends James flying, his trench coat flapping around him. The glass store-front to a furniture store takes the brunt of his impact, as a spider-web of cracks are left behind. James lands on his feet, blood streaming from his nose. He steadies himself and glares at the monster.] James: (shaky) That... almost hurt. [James goes for another weapon, preparing to draw and quarter the beast, when a battle cry rings out from above. Miko leaps from the roof the furniture store, tumbles a few times in mid air (fanservice! fanservice! fanservice!), and lands lightly on one of the monster's many tentacles.] James: (muttering to himself in English) Oh, she really is shaven down there. [He pulls out his gun of choice, something large and very anti-social. The tentacle-monster is ignoring him in favor of getting a few limbs hacked off by Miko. Demi and Stef finally open up with some cover fire, leaving James a clear shot. He hoists the gun to his shoulder, preparing to fire it like a missile launcher.] James: Take this! [James pulls the trigger. Once the first round is a foot from the barrel, time stops. The muzzle flash hangs in the air; a cloud of glowing sparks frozen in time. The camera zooms in on the side of the gun, until the printing on the barrel is legible: K-112: 120mm ANTI-PERSONNEL FLACHETTE LAUNCHER - SN# 113290-14 The camera pulls back and time snaps back to normal. The flachette blasts finally makes the dent James wants; a hole the size of a beer keg opening in one of the monster's tentacles.] [This does not prevent James from getting hit by the tentacle again.] [After a few seconds of thrashing and losing a few limbs, the tentacles overcome Miko and pin her down near the center of the monster. James is going through his arsenal at break-neck speed, looking for a sword. With hundreds of different knives at his feet, the quest looks fruitless. Then Miko starts screaming at the top of her lungs.] James: (face bruised, bleeding from numerous cuts) That does it! You're DEAD! [James pulls out an abnormal shotgun. Abnormal in the sense that most shotguns are not belt fed, where as this one has a belt of ammo coming directly from James' coat. He fires to get the beast's attention. The monster whips a tentacle in his direction, which the assassin dodges with practiced ease. He begins sprinting in front of the monster, firing a barrage of 12-gauge slugs at the beast.] James: YAAAAAHHHHH!!! [James leaps into the air and clicks his heels together, letting rows of two-inch-long spikes sprout from the soles of his shoes. Landing on one of the tentacles, he runs towards the center of the monster. What follows is a mid-air ballet of violence as James dives, jumps, dashes, and rolls amongst the tentacles, blasting everything green, slimy, and evil that gets within range while Demi and Stef cover him with expertly handled firepower.] [After several minutes of this, Miko's intermittent wails reach a crescendo. James turns his path from holding off to really attacking and blazes toward the heart of the tentacles. The shotgun is tossed away, empty, and a pair of knives appear in James' hands. Jumping from one swinging appendage to another, James finally spies Miko, near the center of the tentacle monster. It has a spheroid body, partially embedded in the ground. James dodges a strike heading for his face and runs up a tentacle that will take him right to Miko.] [A look around him reveals that most of the monster's other victims have been all but forgotten. A nest of small tentacles are wrapped around Miko, several focused on her breasts and two oddly colored ones lodged firmly between her legs. The girl is completely naked and her face is twisted by pleasure and blushed with exertion. James, razor-sharp blades in hands, is descending upon the mess like a vengeful demon, legs cocked back to deliver the mother of all flying kicks. Just before he reaches Miko, the girl lets out a final scream and the demon's body loses its texture. By the time James is nearing Miko, it has stopped moving of its own volition and appears to be made of green-tinted water. James grabs Miko by the waist and passes right into the body of the beast as it falls to the ground, now completely turned to liquid. The assassin uses his free hand to slam the knife into the lone concrete wall that is still standing, and slides slowly to the ground with his cargo.] Stef: It's down! Demi: James-sama! [As Demi and Stef make their way towards James, two small tanks come around the corner an onto Street F. They stop just short of the debris scattered about the street. An Armored Personnel Carrier (APC) is right behind the tanks. Troops in NERV uniforms quickly come out of the vehicle and start gathering up the civilians spread about the area.] [James finally comes to his feet. He looks like he just went ten rounds with a wheat combine, and glares disgustedly at the pools of green slime around him, including the one he is standing in. Naked as the day she was born, Miko Mido is clinging to him like a Amazon leech.] Demi: James-sama! [Demi runs into the mess, picking her way around blocks of concrete the size of cattle. A hatch opens on one of the small, futurist-looking tanks.] James: (waving to the NERV uniforms) I'm okay! Ed: (from the top of his tank) What did we miss? [James is slowly working his way out of the trashed ground floor of the building. The second tank pops its hatch, and Kat comes up, surveying the destruction. Her and Ed are each wearing a heavy red-colored jacket with a high collar. Kat is also wearing a transparent visor that hovers in front of her eyes, connected to two grey boxes near her ears. Ed has a similar unit around his neck, the visor portion dim.] Demi: (thinking) That.... BITCH! Flaunting herself all over my darling! And half-naked, too! Stef: Demi? Earth to Demi! Are you okay? Ed: (In English) It looks like we missed all of the fun, James. [James is paying more attention to the content face of Miko as she tries to imprint the reverse-image of her nipples into his Coat.] James: (holds up one finger) Just a second. (to Miko; apologetic) Look, I do enjoy having you writhe nakedly all over me, especially with all the slime and stuff, but this really isn't the time. And the Coat is going to wrinkle horribly if I don't get it cleaned in a hurry. (to Ed) Are we getting a clean-up crew? Ed: These guys, (points to the NERV personnel from the APC) and Dave is sending some reinforcements. They'll be here in about two minutes. For the last time, what _was_ that thing? James: Miko? Miko: Mmm... James... James: Miko! Miko: Hmm? James: Please tell me that wasn't a-- Miko: Shikima, unnatural magical manifestation. I need to talk to a few people. James: (to Ed) Sex demon. Ed: (flat look) Really. James: Well, what do you think it was? Ed: Looks like a bunch of slime to me. James: (in English) "Egon, I've been slimed!" Kat: You'll have to do better than that, James. [James quits trying to pull Miko off with his hands; with the slime, Miko is just too slick to get a good purchase on. Somehow, she can hold onto him just fine. He twists his torso and swings his arms around for a bit, trying to dislodge the girl. Behind him, a blue glow is forming.] Ed: (points at Miko) You... ah, need a crowbar for that? James: (reaches into his Coat) I've got one in here somewhere. Kat: (points) James, behind you. James: Huh? [Stef has taken cover. The NERV people have backed off as the ambulances arrive. Kat and Ed close up their tanks and leave post haste as James turns around...] Demi: (glowing) ... James: Oh, Demi. Is there something wrong? [Fade to black. After a few seconds, we can hear someone getting beaten on severely.] [INT. TEMPORARY OFFICE IN NERV - DAY.] [Dave has managed to take over this slice of NERV and is keeping himself busy doing lots of paperwork. Digital paperwork, that is, across five separate computers. The office itself is small and almost a mess. "Busy" is the word most people would use to describe it.] [As the doorknob turns...] Dave: (shouting to the unseen figure, in Japanese) Don't track that in here! [But James does so anyway.] James: (English) Hey, what's up. [From here on, the conversation is in English.] Dave: Fuck you. Why did you have to go and do that? My day was going nicely until you showed up. James: Hmm... I suppose 'watching giant evil monster kill people and try to turn your best friend inside-out' can fit into the 'nicely' category. Y'know. Anything's possible. Dave: Oh please. And you're making a mess. James: The floor's concrete, you can mop up. Dave: I'd rather not. James: Suit yourself, I'm the one wearing this stuff. Dave: That begs the question: Why didn't you wash up? James: I'll get around to it. What is this stuff? Dave: You came here to ask me about random stuff? James: (grins) Best to go to the source. Dave: Please don't smoke in here. Ahem. Well, it goes like this. We caught the thing on our video monitors--very wise of the city architects to install cameras all over the place--and as near as we can tell, all that junk left over is ectoplasm. I figure, naturally, that you hadn't changed because it was all warm. [As those are the magical words, James prepares to comment that actually it _is_ getting kind of cold when he changes into a she right on the spot.] James: (wondering look) I really have been slimed. [James pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights up, drawing a glare from Dave.] James: You want one? Dave: I would prefer not to get ash all over my equipment. [James pulls an ashtray out of her coat and tips her ashes into it.] Dave: That's better. So, the creature held itself together, but only for a limited period of time. You've been catching and killing ghosts for a while now, you should know where this is going. (watches as James figets for a secon) This stuff is mostly water with various organic chemicals-- something like what humans are made of, but without microscopic biological mechanisms, or even differentiated cells. James: The short explanation? Dave: When it died, it just dissolved into a mix of water not unlike the primordial oceans of ancient earth. James: Bizarre. How does something just loose total cohesion like that? Dave: Low concentration of cohesive chemicals. Complete death of whatever life form controlled that physical body. James: (finishes her cigarette) Right. Right. Very unusual. You said it was mostly water. Dave: Nothing on the tests to suggest dangerous chemicals, no radioactivity, et cetera. Perfectly clean. James: No danger to the populace, then? Dave: Just clean it up and disinfect your clothes. James: (nervous) So how did it get here? Dave: Excuse me? James: There's thousands of gallons of that stuff all over the street, it's in my _clothes_, it destroyed a building. It didn't just come from nowhere, Dave. Dave: Of course not. I've got a theory... James: ... Dave: (taps some keys) ... James: This is when you say "the bad news is..." Dave: (turns thoughtful) No, I've got to thinking after what Miko said at our dinner meeting. [James chews on her lower lip for a second.] Dave: While you were taking a vacation... [James coughs lightly, sounding suspiciously like "bullshit!"] Dave: (continuing) ... I did some research in addition to my duties of setting you characters up with a place to work. James: (quickly) Speaking of which, when do we get offices? Dave: Logistics come last, James. Don't worry about it. James: You have an office. Dave: This _is_ Branch-X, James. Be thankful this conversation is not taking place in the back of a truck. Now, as I was saying, I did some research and started tying together a list of legends and myths that we cannot say are certainly just hallucinations. What I've found is another Occurence. The manifestation was made of ectoplasam. I'm not sure where it exactly came from, but it's some kind of lead. James: (back to chewing on her lip) Miko said something about it being unnatural. Dave: All I can say it, we don't know enough about it yet. James: Which means we have a new classification on our hands. Dave: (nods) We'd best study what we can. Since Miko-- James: That thing killed five people today, Dave. Just what are we going to do about it? Dave: You're asking if there's more? [James nods.] Dave: I figure there's an entire sub-dimension of these things, James. I don't want you to try killing them all. [James desparately entertains the thought for a moment, making his--err, her--her current body look almost feral and very bloodthirsty.] Dave: ... And what Miko did looked pretty effective. James: Yeah, but she's home sleeping right now. That takes a lot out of her. (hopeful) How else can we kill something like that? Dave: I've hired a huge team of experts, but most of them aren't even here yet. My best advice is extermination. I keep forgetting to ask this, too, but what about the airport? James: Different type, similar origin. (scratches the back of her head) You understand, I wasn't in a stable frame of mind... heh heh... (under her breath) Not that I'm in one at the moment, mind you. Dave: Change of subject. You remember Naoko's daughter, from Gehirn? James: (snaps back to normal) Gangly kid, about sixteen? Kind of tomboyish, bleached her hair? Real smart but snippy? Yeah. Dave: That was before Gehirn, James. She's twenty now. Getting out of college soon. Wants to work here. James: (smiles) ... Dave: Down James! [James stands, preparing to leave.] James: (excessive sarcasm) Anything else of earth-shaking consequence you need to tell me, O High Leader of us incompetent, witless munchkins? Dave: Yes. Since Miko seems to like you, I want you to pump her for information. From how she behaves, you might as well twist those words however you wish. [James smiles wickedly.] James: Oh... I'll pump her all right. [Dave ignores the faux paux that James' current body lays on that comment, though Miko probably wouldn't mind.] Dave: And one more thing. Why were you driving my M7? James: (deer-in-headlights mode) Oh... that... hehe... Well, there's an interesting story about that. Dave: (icy) Do tell. James: It was the only thing I could get to. NERV has no parking space for my car! Dave: That's because Branch-X doesn't have a parking lot yet. James: Well, get one! Dave: We have to hollow out the Bat-Cave, first, girl in tights. James: (almost barks out a retort) ... (looks at herself) ... Well, big-hootered whores, Bat-Commander, you're just full of inspiring and witty comments today! Dave: Not after losing two buildings and five civilians on my watch. Now go wash up, James, before you frighten the men. And the women. [James attempts to slam the automated door. The effect is lost, but the intent is clear.] Dave: What the hell's gotten into him? [INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY.] [A hall of foodstuffs for the hungry Japanese workaholic/housewife, a haven away from home, stocked floor-to-ceiling in all that nummy good stuff that keeps us a live and well...] [Which one John Barker and one Trishka Bolverez are staring at fear- fully as they take turns pushing a cart around the isles, looking for some good food with plenty of calories. John is dressed in the same T-shirt and dirty jeans from Episode 3, with the addition of a custom- fitting black leather trench coat. His sunglasses hang out of a pocket on his chest and his hair has been cut back.] [Trishka Bolverez is the woman we say Trey walking with in Episode 3. She's quite tall, much taller than John, and wears her black hair in a short, messy pony tail. Wearing a white lab coat over a set of worn coveralls, she's not the image of beauty, but her stature and looks are still... exotic. Both John and Trishka look like they've been lifting lots of dirty, heavy boxes, with smudges of dirt and grease all over their clothing, and various cuts and scrapes on their hands. They wander semi-aimlessly, speaking in Japanese, as the camera follows them around the store.] John: People eat this stuff? Trishka: Oooh! Pocky! [She grabs a massive container of the candy and holds it in front of John like a game show model.] John: (adjusts an imaginary pair of glasses) Ah, pocky. Great for a snack or two, but we have to move five thousand and some-odd pounds of equipment tomorrow. Trishka: (cheesy accent) Is good food, you blotnik! John: Heh heh. Well, I can give it a try. [She tears open the container and offers John a piece. John bows his thanks but takes a piece directly from the container. Trishka shrugs and the two smile in unison as they bite into the candy at the same time.] John: Okay, now you have to try sushi. Trishka: I have. Didn't much care for it. [The can of pocky goes into the cart. They resume their walk down the isle at a leisurely pace.] John: Is there something wrong with you? Chemical imbalance? Don't look at me like that. There are so many varieties of sushi that anyone can like it. Trishka: (crosses her arms) Oh, really? John: (taking control of the cart) Yeah. What kind of foods do you like? Trishka: Do I have to answer this? John: I'm trying to help you live in Japan. Some things are hard to grasp in this country, but Sushi.... ah. Sushi for everyone is my motto. Trishka: Sushi for everyone. Is that a political slogan you've been working on? John: No, but it sounds good. Now answer the question. Trishka: Let's say I don't like seafood. John: Okay, not detrimental, but a challenge. What do you like? Trishka: Sweet and smooth.... Maybe a little crunch. John: Taco crunch or celery crunch? Trishka: Taco. John: Like the spice? Trishka: I can take it. John: Gin or whisky? Trishka: Whisky. Gin's too tart. John: Oh, a girl who likes her sweets, huh? All right, let me think. Trishka: (points) How about these rice crackers? John: Sure. (he watches the crackers go into the cart) Do you have anything against seaweed? Trishka: That gross green stuff? Yuck! John: I'll take that as a `maybe.' Trishka: That's not a maybe, Vashka, that's a `no.' John: When have you had seaweed? Trishka: On sushi! John: (suspicious) I would like to see this sushi... Trishka: Sushi isn't soo deep that one piece had the taste equivalent of a silver bullet to take me down. John: Now I know you're from Russia. Trishka: I'm saying it's the idea of sushi in general. John: Give me your version of sushi while I work on my ingredients list. Trishka: Sushi is a simple, soulless food. It's rice and seaweed--which is basically nature's trash to keep her beaches free of people--and whatever the chef decided to scoop off the floor the day before. John: (slightly faint) That has got to be the worst foreign food dressing-down I have ever heard. Trishka: Well, the little scrawny wet rice cakes had it coming! John: Do you care for caviar? Trishka: Too salty. Ick. John: Are you allergic or just picky? Trishka: Hmm... good question. I'm not allergic to anything, but a woman _is_ picky. John: Well, you're definitely a woman. Trishka: Are you trying to pick a fight, or are you just hiting on me? John: I'm trying to get all the facts and keep my focus here, Trishka. Let me think for a moment. Trishka: Da. You do that and I'll keep an eye out for fire extinguishers. John: You haven't, by chance, met a guy named James, have you? Trishka: Heard of him, Vashka. He trouble? John: Hah! Like a neutron bomb in a maternity ward. [Trishka stops in her tracks. John also stops, after a few steps, and turns to face her.] John: What? Trishka: That is the worst analogy I've ever heard! Surely he can't be that bad! John: That analogy doesn't come close. And don't call me Shirley. Trishka: You people are a bunch of murdering psychos, you know that? John: This may be hard to swallow, Trishka, but after what you just heard, that is the best attitude anyone's ever had about us. Trishka: (begins walking) When your parents had to deal with the KGB, the rest of the world isn't so bad. John: I know it's in poor taste to ask a woman's age, but you have a double doctorate and head up the most plush division in all of NERV. Just how old are you? Trishka: Old enough to know better, too young to quit. [John stops walking.] John: Damn, that was good. I should write it down. Trishka: (turning down the next isle) Coming, Vashka? John: (speeding up) Sure. (draws up alongside the scientist) Okay, I think I got it. Trishka: Got what? John: The ingredients for "Trishka Bolverez Sushi." Trishka: You came up with that yourself? John: (modestly) I am a man of many talents. Trishka: (skeptical) Hmm... John: So, wanna try it? [Trishka freezes, her green eyes taking in John as if seeing him for the first time. For a moment, a look of fear flitters in her eyes.] Trishka: Now? John: There's a place upstairs. I know the owner. Trishka: (stalling) Uh... I'd really rather not. Not after talking about all those icky things. John: (reassuring grin) Trust me, it's worth a taste. Just let the master guide your path... [Trishka looks at him again, measuring the man with her gaze. At length, she nods, and the two get back to serious grocery shopping.] Female Shopper #1: Can you believe what happened in the commercial district today? Female Shopper #2: With that weird apparition? Yeah, crazy. F.S. #1: My husband says that with a bunch of crazy stuff like that happening, we should move away. [The two woman wander out of distance, leaving Trishka staring at John, who is slowly going from low chuckle, to insane giggle, to the final egomaniacal "my plan is a success!" laughter.] John: Eh he he he he! Ha ha ha ha! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [INT. UNFURNISHED TOKYO-3 APARTMENT - DAY.] James: (narration, English) This is my apartment. [Indeed. Though empty save for the cardboard boxes full of life's bare necessities, a laptop computer, and a bed, it is an apartment. And as James has the key to it and the boxes have his name written on them, it does appear to be his.] James: (narration) I've never seen this place before. [He goes to the balcony with a nice view of the next-to-his-apartment all-girl college.] James: (narration; he grins) ... But I like it. [He leaves the window, strips off his coat (this one is dry, but it also features several long gashes in the material), and tries to get a beer from the `fridge.] James: (looking into the empty `fridge) Well, I guess the first thing I have to do is go shopping. [He pulls a spare beer from his coat, cold and smooth, and opens it up. The bed, currently folded into a couch, beckons.] James: Damn. Tentacle demon this morning... [Flash of the huge monster from the beginning of this episode.] James: That dumb-ass at lunchtime... [Flash of another sex demon. This one is about four meters tall and has five penises instead of the standard one. It also has three eyes and red skin, but hey, who's really paying attention to those things?] James: I might have to get into some bar fights if things don't liven up around here... [There is a muffled crashing noise from outside, followed by the muffled sound of a great many young girls screaming in abject terror.] James: (puts his hands behind his head) Ahh... that's better. [Beat.] James: (jumps to his feet) Wait a minute! I can get beer now! [Another muffled crashing noise.] James: (yelling) Keep it down! [A brick flies through his glass balcony doors.] James: That's it. [He quickly retrieves a katana, a Glock pistol, and a length of piano wire from his coat, then stalks to the window.] James: Holy shit! [Outside he sees a pair of blue-skinned demons chasing around the students with phallic body parts waving in the air.] James: This is like a B-grade porno... almost. I am strangely torn between the urge to get a camera and the urge to join in.... Yet, I must defend Tokyo-3 from this evil! [EXT. TOKYO-3 ALL-GIRL'S COLLEGE SCHOOL YARD - EVENING.] [He leaps from the balcony of his third-floor apartment, landing on the ground with ease and without injury. The sword is quickly unsheathed and brandished before him.] James: And I _need_ to find out how these guys are getting into earth. [The battle is quickly joined. With his sword and a little extra experience fighting the otherworldly denizens Miko has identified as `Shikima,' James makes quick work of the first demon through means of slicing it into approximately 500 bite-sized chunks in a flurry of Kendo moves. In seconds, he stands over a puddle of blue goo.] James: (pointing at the remaining demon and shouting in Japanese) Everyone but that blue asshole, RUN FOR IT! Blue Demon: (also in Japanese) Hey! Do you have any idea how fucking long I've been waiting for a taste of good young pussy, mortal? [Unblinking, James attacks directly, leaping at the remaining bad guy and aiming to cleave him neatly in two from his curly black eyebrows to his gangly, knobbed, eighteen-inch-long feet. Yes, feet. James would not bother with castration unless he was really pissed off.] Demon: (grabs James' sword in mid-strike) Hey pal, why don't you take a long walk off a tall building, okay? It's been awhile, and if you keep this up, I might get frustrated. James: (still holding onto his blade) Tough luck. [The demon strikes before James can muster a defense, and sends the assassin hurling into the closest stone wall. The stone cracks at James' impact, but does not give in. Neither does James. Barely standing, James pulls out the Glock, then tosses it aside.] James: That. Hurt. Demon: Hmm... not dead yet. [The demon easily snaps the sword in two, then sends a tentacle out for a passing student. James is on the demon like a fly on shit but an eyeblink later. Despite having half the limbs of his opponents, James is able to hold his own with a combination of super speed and sheer ability to take punishment without flinching. However, the fight is still tragically one-sided and after a few moments, James is pinned to the ground and getting the stuffing beaten out of him.] James: (through the blood slowly filling his mouth) Do we have some stress to work out, blue-boy? [Another fist hits James in the face. James retorts with a rough knee to the demon's groin, but the blow has no effect...] Demon: Hah! You think that hur-- [... except to give James enough leverage for a powerful head-butt to the demon. It stumbles back, and then rears up to it's full height, easily several feet beyond James' reach. The assassin plants a hand on the ground, and with a smirk, executes an inverted kick to give him some distance. The demon stumbles back, barely catching itself. James flips back to his feet, spits out some blood, and after rubbing his hands together, assumes a kung-fu fighting stance with his hands spread wide.] Demon: You just don't fucking DIE when you're supposed to, you limp- dicked little FUCK! James: (cocky) I get that a lot. [The demon keeps its distance this time, using its tentacles to ensnare James. This time the assassin stands his ground and weaves his hands in circles around the approaching phallic appendages, and when he draws his arms out again, we can see the piano wire has been wrapped around the tentacles. With a solid jerk, he severs the lot of them.] Demon: YEEEAAAARRRRGGG!!! You actually hurt me! You fucking cock sucker! You miserable pile of mortal shit! I shall cut yo-- [James charges at the demon, partially hidden by its retracting tenta- cles. Once he's in range, no words are wasted. A single punch with all his weight behind it sends the demon _through_ the nearest stone wall.] James: Nothing personal, buddy, but I've got a job to do. [James again weaves his hands in strange patterns, readying something really nasty. We're still waiting for this really nasty thing to happen when Miko lands on his head in full fighting gear.] Miko: AAAHHH! Damn these landings! James: (muffled by Miko's muff) Mmmfflrrgh! Miko: Huh??? [Miko pulls herself off of James, to reveal the assassin giving her a mild glare.] James: We've GOT to stop meeting like this. Miko: Well excuse me for saving your sorry, but well-built, ass. James: (blinks) Uh, yeah, thanks. What is it with you and high places? Miko: (defensively) I didn't plan this entrance. James: Surprise, surprise. (points) You know he's not dead yet. Demon: Excellent observation, mortal. I was having a grand old time greasing up some young pussy until YOU got here! James: Oh, go fuck yourself. You look more than capable of it. Demon: You're a thousand years too young to defeat me, mortal. James: And you're a hundred times too nice to kill me. Miko: James, let me handle him. James: Huh? Well, it's not that I haven't enjoyed the fight, but go right ahead and kick his ass. [Miko nods, then advances on the demon with a smirk.] Miko: You're going down, asshole. Demon: Ah, my dear sexy thing, it is _you_ who will be going down... [Yep, the tentacles again.] Demon: ... On ME! [James shakes his head sadly as the scene unfolds before him. Miko fends off the tentacles with a short sword, hacking away at them. However, she has only a fraction of James' skill and is caught by the third one.] Demon: Hah! No panties! You make this too easy, little one! Miko: (squirming, the expected happens) Oh! Not there! James: Fuck this... [The demon looks at James, another bad pun on his lips, when he sees the look in James' eyes. The assassin hasn't changed; still beaten and bloody, worn out from a day of fighting and looking all of his thirty- five years. What is different is the man's eyes. Deep and evil, sucking in hate and spitting out fear, his eyes are home to the heart-stopping glare of a killer.] [The demon has only enough time to cop one more feel from a moaning Miko before James unleashes Hell upon him. James attacks like a rush of wind, and an instant later, he is past the demon, his hands extended in the end of a powerful technique, fingers spread out like knives. Behind him, the demon comes apart in ribbons, then dissolves into blue goo just like the first one of the day did. Miko lands on her butt in the middle of the mess.] James: Feh. Miko: You... you... IDIOT!!! James: Huh? [SLAP!] James: What was _that_ for?! Miko: I wasn't done yet! I'm horny as hell now and no-one's here to get me off! James: Well, sor-ree! Jeeze, girls around here... [Wheels grind in James' head.] James: `Horny as hell,' huh? Miko: (rubbing her own breast, one hand ready to reach up her skirt) Yeah... huhnn? [James scoops Miko up in his arms and dashes for the fire escape on the side of his building. Sirens alight in the distance as NERV closes in on the battlefield. James makes it back inside his apartment post-haste and locks the doors.] [A few minutes later....] Miko: Oh, Jaaames... Ungh! Yeah, right there! [Splash.] Female Voice: My beer! Damn it! Miko: Ah! Breasts! And a tail?!? Hmm... Female Voice: Ah, Miko-- don't! Oooh, yeah... Miko... [Ahem!] [Fade out.] [Cue Metallica's "Better Than You" faintly in the background as the narrator's deep, booming voice speaks over the scenes.] NARRATOR: NEXT TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION! [Blank screen.] NARRATOR: Eh, hello? NARRATOR: WELL, THE AUTHOR SEEMS QUITE TIRED FROM THIS LAST EXCURSION INTO FICTION. UNDERSTANDABLE. NO DOUBT, THE NEXT EPISODE WILL CONTAIN SOMETHING AKIN TO A PLOT, AND MY EVEN FEATURE A FEW CHARACTERS WITH MORE THAN ONE DIMENSION! STAY TUNED!!! [Ending credits:] Ranting, Sidestep, lots of other stuff: Jared Waddell, HQ Consulting: Insanity Productions Staff Remarks: John Genoni, Pullman Branch Andy Mucha, Kennewick Bunker Miko Mido, the Shikima, and Those With Tentacles are from 'La Blue Girl.' Tokyo-3 and all things and characters present regarding Eva are from Neon Genesis: Evangelion. No copyright infringement is intended. This work is copyrighted but non-profit. All other characters, unless noted, are copyright Insanity Productions. Original characters created by Insanity Productions may be used in freely in other non-profit works. Special effects provided by Insanity Productions Technical Department. And thank you, the reader, for reading. ---------- revisions: Numerous minor grammatical errors, dialogue clean up. Scene descriptions revised for readability.