Narrator: INTRODUCING... A FANFIC. WHAT? IT'S THE FIRST EPISODE, GIVE ME A BREAK. NOW, THE SCRIPT THE AUTHOR PREPARED: FOR SAFE CONSUMPTION, THE FOLLOWING WARNINGS APPLY: LANGUAGE, SUGGESTIVE LANGUAGE, POSSIBLE LIME/LEMON CONTENT (EXPLICIT LEMON CONTENT WILL BE LABELED), VIOLENT, SIDESTEP-RELATED STUFF, EVA-LIKE DARKNESS (KIND OF). AND SERIOUSLY, THE DIALOGUE SEEMS TO REALLY FLY IN SOME PARTS, KEEP YOUR HEAD STILL AND READ IT CAREFULLY. Narrator: UMM... IS THAT IT? OKAY, GODSPEED! C&C, Flames, Anything, welcome at: rick_spiff@yahoo.com Posted at Insanity Production's home page: http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/ ~ Begin fic ~ [EXT. HEAVY GREEN FOREST - DAY.] [Dark mist curls about the ground, the unfamiliar cry of unseen animals echoing off the majestic mountains in the background. The sounds of someone male and probably American shouting into a phone gradually fade into hearing distance, until James walks into frame from the right, cell phone pinned to his ear.] [James is your average American, blue-eyed, blond-haired guy in his mid-thirties, except he has the body of a 20-year-old gymnast and the energy of an eight-year-old on crack. The perennial former assassin is looking a little worse for wear, his coat scuffed slightly, bags under his bloodshot eyes and he is walking with a slight but noticeable limp. He stalks back and forth ranting and raving, waving his arms and hands all about during the scene, the camera pans back and forth to follow him. The following scene is in English.] James: (into phone) It was an accident. Dave: (from phone) Accident? You nearly drowned in a pond, James. A POND! Is that what you're trying to tell me? (James opens his mouth but Dave just plunged ahead) Do you have ANY idea just how ridiculous that sounds? James: It was a Goddamn deep pond! Dave: Do I sound like I care? James, the master of all things painful, and you nearly drown yourself in a fucking pond! How did this happen? James: That was no ordinary pond. It was like something reached up and pulled me in, like it had to happen. Do you realize what this means? Dave: Yes. You are going insane again. James: Maybe, but I don't like the sound of that. Dave: As if you have any say in the matter. If you don't feel comfortable around water, why don't you just hang out in the desert for a few days? James: Don't feel comfortable? Damn, Dave... the pool, the pool... Dave: Let me guess. (beat) Had water in it? James: Damnit Dave! This is serious! Dave: Why don't you come over? James: I am in the middle of a forest! Dave: Did you Jump in? James? Are things really that bad? James: Dave! Dave: Just considering the possibilities. James: Dave, be reasonable. I'm worried; I'm in a lot of trouble here. Dave: Is this a put-on? James: (stares at the phone for a second as if it has become possessed) I should think not! Here I am, just asking for a LITTLE sympathy-- Dave: (interrupting) Where are you? James: In China, you tart. Dave: China is the _third_largest_ country in the world. It covers three-point-seven million square miles! Care to be more specific?* {* at this point consider Russia just a bunch of independent states. The year is, after all, 2007.} James: Quanhai province. Dave: Wonderful. James, the Quanhai province is more than a third of China's land mass! How can you be any less specific?! James: Do you think I enjoyed that? I don't fucking care how big China is. That was... was... unpleasant! Dave: (snorts) You tried to cook for yourself? James: Not that unpleasant. Dave: What, where? Why did you call me? James: First off, because we have a job. We're hired. We're working. I need to talk to you guys about it, on a deeper level. Second, this happens, and now we're in a whole gridlocked ball of shit! Dave: Then. What. Happened? James: I don't want to talk about it. Dave: Excuse me? You leave for China. You get a million messages. You call me and freak out, then you don't walk to talk about it? If I didn't know better, I'd say you're getting paranoid again. James: Well maybe I am. There is some seriously unpleasant shit going on here and you're just blowing me off! Dave: Supposedly serious shit, of which I have seen no evidence of. If I was blowing you off, you would be already be blown off. I'm the one out on a limb here, so talk to me. James: I just don't feel comfortable discussing this over the phone. Dave: You're on an encrypted line! No-one can trace this! James: It's just not the kind of thing I feel comfortable talking about through an electronic medium... Dave: Oh, and here I thought Godzilla was attacking. Nothing so direly important? James: That isn't the word I'm looking for. Just--look, I'll tell you all about when I get there. Trust me, we'll have lots to talk about. Dave: Who did you kill? James: It's not _that_ kind of thing either. Sheesh! I'll just talk to you when I get back. Dave: JAMES! Don't hang-- [James hangs up, then yanks the battery out of the phone and places both in the depths of his coat. He turns to the camera, which is now still, and starts to talk while looking right at it.] James: (to audience) I was once the world's best assassin, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm still pretty good at the job, even if I have no interest in doing it _ever_ again. Dave and I go way back. I don't know what's on his case this time, but it's been years since he was this angry. Sometimes even the master of all things unpleasant call feel a little put off. I'm scared. Care to guess, or do you already know? (thumbs his nose) That's right, Jusenkyo. Didn't mean to go there, didn't know the place even existed. The guide there said it was destiny and everything, but like, you know, how would I know that? Anyway, turns out you aquire this nice little curse if you fall in any of the pools there. Me? I fell in the pool of drowned space alien. Not any alien, mind you, but an alien that looks almost exactly like a human except for some freaky hair an a monkey tail. Couldn't be all that bad, right? Maybe not, 'least I didn't come out as a rat or something. I mean, c'mon! This is one of the top tourist destinations in the world. Can you imagine an elderly west-American couple on retirement ending up here? 'Grandpa, where did you go?' Poof! The family has this cat gramps has never seen. Arrrgh! The lawsuits! Can you imagine? (looks at his watch) I digress. At least I'm more or less human. A few tests proved I can at least mate with another human, but that brings up this itsy-bitsy problem. In addition to horrendous strength and funky tail--frankly I don't mind the hair--I get a sudden hormone shock. Yeah, that's hell, but you haven't heard the best part: I'm a female space alien. [He shrugs.] James: Go fig. [He walks off frame.] [The camera does a flying pan up from the ground and soars over the clouds as the title opens. Opening Music is Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' as loud as you can play it. A montage of shots flash by to the bars of the song, mostly of the Sidestep cast and various Eva characters dressed in kick-ass clothes and shooting things out of frame. Splattered here and there among the characters are various explosions for variety.] ---------- Title Flash: SIDESTEP:EVANGELION Episode 1: Welcome to Hell, and Your Little Dog, Too!/ The High Life and Less. ---------- [Music cuts out.] [INT. HIGH-TECH BUILDING, MODERN JAPAN - DAY.] [English words appear, kanji above them:] T O K Y O - 3 , 2 0 0 7 . [We pan to a really new building, up to the top floors, then cut to inside, where Dave and Ed are in a very large office of sorts, just finishing a conversation. Ed is an ox of a man, over six feet tall with broad shoulders and huge arms that bring to mind images of smashed faces and cars lifted with one hand. He has a neatly trimmed mustache and his black hair is cut into a Marine high-and-tight. Ed is clad in blue jeans that barely fit, and a black T-shirt that looks a size too small for his frame.] [Dave is every part the experienced businessman. He wears a tailored gray suit, and while he is somewhat shorter than Ed, has a nonetheless intimidating figure. Not an ounce of body fat can be seen on the man. He looks freshly shaven, and his brown hair is combed pricisely, with every strand in its proper place. Both move with the grace of lethal street fighters; sure of themselves in ways that other men only dream of. They are presently lighting up some mammoth cigars while standing before the room's large windows. They look over Tokyo-3, talking like old friends, both Americans speaking English.] Ed: Hmm. Well, this business doesn't sound all that bad. Even if James is involved, he has yet to kill us. Dave: Maybe he's just waiting for some bonds to mature. [The pair chuckles.] Ed: (puffing lightly) So, when is he due back? Dave: Today. Ed: Good. [A rumbling noise starts up in the background.] Dave: And that would be him. [He goes over to the main doors to the office. They look like nothing short of an N2 mine could get through. Dave pokes at a panel set into the wall next to them for a second, then the doors open with surprisingly little noise.] Dave: Hello? [James dashes through the door, dive-rolls over the large desk at the center of the room and promptly hides underneath it.] Ed: Du-- James: SHHH! Ed: What? [Miko Mido comes running into the room, stopping suddenly. Miko is eighteen, with the curves of a porn star and twinkling brown eyes. She has long dark hair (with a slight purple tint), tied into a ponytail with a red ribbon. She is dressed in full ninja fighting gear (watch the anime), sword included, and looks PISSED.] Miko: Alright! Where is he? I saw him go in here, damnit! [Note: The scene is in Japanese w/ English subtitles for here on.] Dave: (raises a finger) Ah, who? Miko: James, that bastard in the coat! Ed: (chuckles evilly) Well, he's right-OW! [James leaps up to stand on the desk. Thankfully, the room has a high ceiling, so he's spared a certain embarrassment while he glares back at Miko.] James: Miko... Miko: James... James: Are you sure you don't want some ice cream? Miko: You challenged me. I'm letting that go lightly, Ms. James. [James' eyes narrow while Dave and Ed's widen. They both are looking at James.] James: Fine, then. DIE! Miko: I'd rather not. [The pair tangos, James fighting with only one hand and keeping his feet basically on the ground for a change. He looks a little bored. Miko is fighting all out, showing off her athletic ability and other fine attributes.] James: Pretty good, but you'll need a lot more to get me to agree to this. [As he is talking, Miko works towards him with a number of thrusts with her sword and suddenly strikes while James is still talking. He is taken down by her sweep and finds a fine katana pressed to his windpipe.] James: Better. Miko: Then you agree to learn our clan's techniques? James: Look at me one more time, Miko, and reconsider that question. [She gives him a sultry head-to-toe look. Dave and Ed look jealous.] Miko: (very sexy voice) Sure... even if you don't learn that much. James: (completely nonplused) Sure. Talk to the hand. Dave, we have things to discuss. Dave: So it would appear. Ed: James! James: What?! Ed: You're old enough to be her father! [Miko glares at him. James counts on his fingers while Ed sweats and answers just a second before Miko opens her mouth.] James: I'm only sixteen years older... Ed! Ed: What? [A six-inch thick dictionary hits Ed square in the face. Miko and James get to their feet. Miko's sword is strapped onto her back.] Dave: So? James: You don't know? Dave: I want this vocalized, James. James: Okay. This is Miko Mido. I met here shortly after arriving back in Japan. She thought I was a demon... Ed: (bruise on his face) I don't doubt that. James: Ed, shut yer yap. Dave, I need to tell you about-- Dave: Jusenkyo: Sorrowful Pools or Sorrowful Water. The valley of supposedly cursed pools where you change shape by landing in various ponds, or did you find some ancient treasure in one of the mountain- fortresses in the area? James: The curses are real. Jusenkyo is real. And I want it bombed back to the Stone Age. Dave: So? I'm not stopping you? James: Well, ah... you see, there's this other part to the curse. Anyone who harms the valley shall its pain shall be inflicted upon them a hundredfold. Dave: Believing old legends, James, dare I see the day... (he smirks) What do you change into? James: (takes a deep breath) Aspacealienwarriorwoman. Dave: Huh? Ed: Huh? Miko: Oh... James: I turn into a fairly buff female alien with a tail and a wicked hairdo. Oh, also electrical aura generation and super strength and toughness. That much power can kinda mess with your head, and Miko here... well, there was a misunderstanding. Ed: Of course! (snaps fingers) The airport this morning! James: Er... yeah. Miko: It was his fault. James: Hey, that was NOT-- Ed&Dave: --your fault. James: Okay, maybe a little. (glares at Miko) But things woulda been fine if YOU hadn't been interfering! Miko: (glares back) If I hadn't been 'interfering' you and whole lot of other people would be slaves to the Shikima demons again! Dave: Shikima? Demons? Slaves? Cool. James: Yeah, and those bastards wrecking a perfectly good landing, to boot! Miko: That idiot pilot. James: Hey! I was flying that plane! Miko: Don't you mean, 'crashing with minimal grace'? James: Hey, listen you-- Ed: They already fight like they're married. Dave: Sad. James: Stay out of this! Miko: He's just mad 'cause he needs to learn Se-- James: (suddenly holding Miko from behind, his hand clamped over her mouth) But they don't need to know _anything_ about that! Miko: (bites James' hand) James: Owie! Miko: It's just _Sexcraft_! Jeeze, what's the problem? Ed: I'm going for a beer. Dave: Interesting. Ed: Beer? Dave: No, this Sexcraft. I've heard of it before, but I thought it was just a legend. Miko: That's a family secret, how do you know? Dave: All secrets came from somewhere. (mysterious smile) James: That's it, I'm outta here. I'll jive with you guys later. We need to talk about NERV. Dave: They already called, how does tomorrow sound? James: Fine. (to Miko) What? Miko: I should be around you at all times. Dave: (digging in his desk) So, still hasn't figured out how to use the bathroom, eh? James: (turns a little red) Miko: Have you? James: (snorts, then imitates Miko's voice) 'It's just SEXCRAFT'. What are you, dense? [WHACK! A katana is applied to James' head with near-lethal precision.] Miko: Take that back! James: NEVER!!! Dave: Outside, please. Miko: Oh, sorry. James: Sorry, dude. How about eight, here. I saw this restaurant on the way into town... Dave: Sure thing. Want the NERV info? James: Yeah. Dave: And you'll tell me about the demons? James: (pales, then sets his face in a determined frown) Of course. Miko: Coming, DEAR? James: In a minute, HONEY. [Miko fumes.] James: (to Dave) Later. Dave: Later. [James shoots out the window with a gun from his coat and jumps.] Miko: DAMN YOU! (she follows) Dave: (running to the window) Miko? James?! This is the 51st floor!!! [EXT. BUILDING, BLURRING ACTION SHOT - DAY.] [Falling down the side of the super sleek skyscraper, a ribbon-chute opens behind James, but then Miko lands on it.] James: The HELL?! (looks up) Miko?!! [She slips on the slim ribbon and falls almost past James until he catches her under one arm.] James: What in the NAME of-- Miko: AAAAHHH!!!!!! James: What? Miko: That HURTS! [James looks a little sheepish and readjusts his grip, still holding Miko under just one arm.] Miko: Thanks. James: Now we're even. Miko: Look, James.... [Time pauses, the fall pauses. James doesn't, though he hovers in mid-air, dangling by his ribbon-chute.] James: (talking to the audience; indicates the chute) Piece of work, huh? Wild idea Dave had a decade or so ago... has it really been that long? Anyway, as you can tell, Miko and I didn't exactly get things going on the right foot. Maybe the broken foot. I digress. There I was, landing the jet at TIA {Tokyo International Airport, according to James}, when this thing with--get this, PENIS TENTACLES--just appears right in front of the plane. I thought I was hallucinating until I parked they jet... okay, crashed the jet--Dave's gonna kill me for that--and there was like three or four of these things just tearing up the place, getting ready to R-n-P. Rape and Pillage, that is. This, I think, must be some sick dream from my sub-conscious, which couldn't have been all that thrilled by my latest 'transformation'. So, fighting as usual when one of these things snaps a water fountain off. This Miko girl appears and sees my more bestial side smashing heads and blasting shit like there's no tomorrow and goes 'ape' on me, just about. We haven't really figured things out yet. She's normally nice, I take it. Real high-spirited. She spent basically all day tracking me down. On a side note, (he looks around conspiratorially) the curse is messing with her demon side. When I'm a she--alien she--Miko is half-insane. I'm not better off myself. As I may or may not have already said, I suffer a serious hormone imbalance during the Transformation State, so I wasn't thinking clearly either. What's the really bad part? We don't fight like normal people do. We fight with our whole being, our very lives. We go all out. I can even do it against someone I like, but for a while, that fight was seriously something else. Parts are still foggy to me, but I think we got a little more involved than I intended. Maybe we're still a little fucked up, confused, wondering what happened that first time, trying to find it again. I take it she hasn't had an easy life and me... well, let's just say I've more than been around the block a few times. So now, we're fighting, like non-stop. I want it to end. I have to think logically. I have to get my head screwed on straight. Not like that time back in '97. That was literally hell. Nope, never again. (pauses) So that's just it. Not love, not all like. Maybe just lust, but whatever, right? James: I guess you can't win 'em all. [Time snaps back to normal. They touch down before Miko can finish her sentence. James sits Miko on her feet as his chute re-folds itself into his coat.] Miko: What the... (reaches for her sword, but staring at the chute) James: Ahh! Okay, just--peace, alright? [She relents.] James: Look. I know. Fighting like this isn't going to help. If we just let bygones be bygones, I'll do what I can and not get in your way. We just got something big set up, so I don't need to be fighting your relatives. Miko: Fighting? You called that fighting? James, no offense, but you are a menace to society. With the kind of power you wield, you're just as dangerous as the demons. Worse, even. James: I know. But I'm a martial artist. Miko: And last time we met you said you were an assassin. James: Yeah, but-- Miko: And the time before that you said you were a door-to-door corn salesman. James: Yeah, but-- Miko: And when we first met, you said you were a transsexual fish. James: That's AQUAtranssexual FIST, and it's a martial arts technique. And yes, I was an assassin and still do that from time to time. Miko: (pouts) And what about the corn? James: That, was a joke. Miko: In poor taste, I'd say. James: You're right. Look, I'm busy the rest of the day, and we have a job with NERV--as you no doubt heard. Can't you just leave me alone for a few hours? Miko: (gets that dangerous look in her eye) Oh, I don't know... James: Dinner? Miko: Pick me up at seven. James: We're having sushi. My treat. Wear something nice. Miko: Then check out your wardrobe, Mr. Martial Artist. How about you pick me up here? James: Here it is. See you tonight. [They stare at each other, no emotion visible. They both appear to be just contemplating something pleasant, then Miko walks off.] [James stands in place for a second, then checks his watch and looks at the bits of glass still on the sidewalk. He decides to make one more inane comment.] James: Glad no one was hit by that. [He walks off in the opposite direction Miko left, obviously deep in thought.] [EXT. TOKYO-3 SKYLINE - NIGHT.] [ Overlay words with kanji above: ] D I N N E R. [ Cut to a restaurant in downtown, looking at the front. It is a modest but well-kept sushi restaurant of fair size bearing a sign in Kanji that reads: ] The Good Fortune Eatery - Est. 2006 [Inside, James, Ed, Dave and Miko are just being seated. Three of the four are wearing immense black trenchcoats that they fold up and keep next to them. Miko is wearing a skintight blue dress that shows every curve, yet somehow doesn't look sleazy. James it outfitted in a pin- stripe suit that looks most casual. Dave is wearing a nice pair of gray Dockers and a light blue dress shirt under his coat. Ed is equipped with a monster-truck T-shirt and slightly faded jeans. This entire scene is in Japanese.] Dave: Ah, only the best seats in the house. [A server comes up to their table, looking a little pale around the eyes. He looks at the foursome seated peacefully, with three large coats piled next to their respective owners like pets. He frowns a bit but makes and effort to appear unconcerned.] Dave: Hmm, sake and cold--listen to me, COLD--tea to drink. Start us off with the number four seafood variety. James: Shouldn't we order some vegetable variety too? Dave: Aaaaand... number six vegetable. Anything else? Ed: Sounds fine with me. Miko: That'll do nicely, thank you. (looks at James) I see you did raid your wardrobe. Dave: So, James. I see you brought your new girlfrie--hey! James: I've had this thing for a while, just never wore it very much. Ed: Small wonder, you look like a ganster. James: So do you. Ed: Point taken, but jeans are more popular than those old suits anyway. [James shrugs.] Miko: How did you become friends with these cultured coots, anyway? [Dave picks a shard of wood off his sleeve.] Dave: Where did this come from? James: (looking directly at Miko) Well, it's kind of a long story, but it starts with me, Ed, Kat--you haven't met her--a mall, a crazy guy by the name of Takona, and ended with a long list of people I'd rather not keep seeing in my dreams. Dave: James... James: Are you going to finish that sentence, Dave? Dave: (thinks for a second) Not right now. James: (looks at Ed) Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Ed: Yes, but wouldn't we be horribly killed for sure? James: You people have no sense of adventure. Well, Miko. Where was I? Miko: A mall and a bunch of forgetful people. James: Ah yes, it started with some bloke who worked for a special military-like force within a secret arm of the CIA. This arm was controlled by a bunch of archaic morons who are probably still around today. Takona set a bunch of bombs in the mall, then demanded that _I_ take hostages and hold the fort down, under the condition that I also disarm the bombs! Miko: So you were fighting yourself for the first time? James: (confused look) Huh? No. [The server deliveries the cold tea and two trays of sushi.] James: Actually I ended up fighting the hundred-plus soldiers Takona had snuck into the place to kidnap me. Miko: Someone thought you were worth kidnapping, hum? James: Not at all. [Dave picks up the story with lots of large hand gestures.] Dave: (carrying on) Actually, it was just because James was a dead ringer for this government scientist named Rick Genoni. Weird name, I know. Rick had... stepped over the line, one could say, and was wanted pretty badly by this mysterious council. They sent Takona after James. Ed: (smoothly cutting in) After blowing up half the freakin' planet, James and Takona finally had a nice sit down... then blew up some more stuff and we were all pretty cool. Of course, this came after a year of what James lovingly calls 'training.' James: Pay no attention to those whiners. I turned them into real men and woman the human race could be proud of. Dave: (sarcastically) And fear greatly. James: 'Only the evil shall fear the wrath of the just.' Dave: Good. Evil. All sand in the eye of the beholder. Miko: I've always thought good and evil had a sort of cognizant joining that prevented them from being combined, yet tied them together. James: Yep. Without one, the other cannot identify itself. Miko: Exactly. Funny, how did we get on this subject? James: I was just getting to that. What about the demons? [The server brings their sake around. Sake is an alcoholic beverage that is distilled strong and usually served hot in a ceramic cask. Stop looking at me like that, this story should have _some_ educational value!] Miko: They're not exactly evil, but more like a distilled version of our darker thoughts. Dave: What about incubbi and sucubbi? Miko: Not a lot of personal experience, but from what I've been taught, they're more like parasites. Ed: (snorts) You make them sound almost like some humans I know.... James: (winking) I know what you mean. Dave: (indicates James) And just when did you become an expert on this? James: I didn't learn Hebrew and Mandarin just to check out the Dead Sea Scrolls and train. [Dave raises one eyebrow and gives James a curt nod, acknowledging James' resourcefulness.] Dave: Indeed. Drink? James: Certainly, my good man. How's the food, Ed? Miko: I'll have some too, please. Dave: And are you of age? James: (waves some crab sushi at Dave) Now don't go insulting my intelligence. [Dave pours two cups for Miko and James.] Dave: James, do I have to have my fun behind your back? James: We're having dinner, not recruiting a fighter. Dave: Oh, really. [But James ignores him and looks to Ed instead. Ed picks up his cue.] Ed: This is some pretty good stuff. I don't much like the seafood stuff though. The octopus has to be tasted to be believed. James: Well you guys are hogging the good stuff, send some down here. [Dave hands the cups to Miko and James.] Miko: Thank you. [But he drops James' cup short. James catches it without looking, not spilling a drop.] James: (sips his drink) Mmm, thanks man. [Dave scowls. Ed hands some of the seafood plate over to James and Miko's end of the table.] Dave: So, now that I've guided you all into a casual conversation with my amazing skills of subtly. James: Fly on the wall, Dave. Like a fly on the wall. Good job. Dave: AHEM. Anyway, James. James: (swallows) Yes? Dave: This... curse of yours? James: What about it? Dave: I'll need to run some tests. James: (frowns) Mmmm. Well, just watch where your lackey's start pointing things. I'm not too happy about the whole thing overall. [Miko covers her mouth to keep from laughing.] James: Although, it does have some 'advantages.' [Ed coughs into his sake.] Ed: Aherm! Aherm! James: Wacko Warner. Wacko Warner. (turns to Dave) What, you want a demonstration? [Ed chuckles in the background, still hacking up sake.] Dave: That would be nice, but not here. And from now on, you wear a cell-phone. James: (not listening) Uh-huh. Yeah. Gotcha. Uh-huh. Dave: I'm serious, James. James: Does this have anything to do with our next job? Dave: It has everything to do with our next job. Miko: Say, what do you guys do for a living, anyway? James: We don't. We're... independently wealthy. Of course, there's nothing wrong with keeping occupied. Idle hands... heh heh. Dave: Or in James' case, an entire idle work crew. Miko: Come again? James: Every night, baby. [A spoon hits James in the face. It is easy to see there are no spoons other than this new one in the entire restaurant.] James: What was--? Dave: Keep it in your pants, James. James: That's no fun! (an old-fashioned oil can hits James square in the face) Dave: (Raiden tone) Enough! Miko: Idle hands? Dave: As I was going to say, it's 'idle hands are the devil's workshop.' Miko: I don't follow. Dave: Well, the devil isn't some great over-the-top evil guy, he's more like a mischievous fallen angel who doesn't fully understand what he's playing around with. Ed: (interrupting) And James is worse. Dave: (continuing) And 'Idle hands' are often prone to commit acts of mischief. Miko: Hence James. Dave: We do try to keep him occupied. Miko: But what about the devil? Dave: What about him? Miko: Why, the 'devil's workshop' over something else? Ed: I suppose it was the idea that the devil was the most recognizable sign of mischief. James: I don't think a universal figure could be easily chosen, that's more or less restricted to English-speakers with knowledge of Christian myth. Miko: Couldn't they're be a more... international version? James: Well, most myths are based heavily on a local perception of the world, so they transfer easily as stories, but very short quotes or sayings loose a lot of their meaning without proper background. Kind of like jokes. Ed: Which is why the U.S. is a lot funnier than Japan. Dave: Astounding observation, Ed. James: Well, that's due mostly to the 'democracy', in my personal opinion. [Everyone glares the 'you just said something stupid' glare at James, who cowers under the table.] Dave: (thinking) They can't just be 'acting' this smart, they must be plotting against me. (looks at James) And what's taking you so damn long, do you enjoy pissing people off? Tell her! Ed: Oh yes, can't forget the political assassin's opinion of his own country. James: That was low. Ed: But true. James: ... I can live with it. Sooo.... Dave. Dave: Sooo.... James. James: Who are we working for now? Dave: (resigned sigh) NERV. James: Nerve? What do those have to do with anything? Dave: (spells it) N-E-R-V. It's an organization set up to protect and ensure humanity's future. James: Implying that it has one. You know, doesn't that sound an awful lot like the people I spent most of my life fighting? Dave: Not totally. You see, they're involved in some ultra-secret project called The Human Instrumentality Project. The HIP is more than just a eugenics program, it's a whole new step in evolution. James: An easy task no doubt, a few nuclear bombs, poof! New human race. Dave: Well, not in so many words, but you're right about the big explosion part. James: (raises an eyebrow in surprise) And we're working FOR these guys? Miko: Um, excuse me, but is it okay to be talking about this stuff around me like this? James: Don't worry, hon. You're not a security risk, you're part of the team now, ground-level spec-ops. You report to me or Handleton and absolutely no one else unless the both of us are dead. Miko: I-- Dave: (thinking) Subtle as a pickax to the head, James. Real smooth going. James: You're trained in ninjitsu--very well, I might add--and you fight demons. Demons are a serious threat to this city, and as it's impromptu defenders I think we're entitled to as much help as we can get. Miko: City defenders? Dave: Terrorism has been quite bad these days. James and Ed and I are keeping a good lid on it. We're what you'd call a 'Counter-Terrorist' group, or just 'CT' for short. Miko: So you are military. Dave: Para-military, kinda. We're more like Mercenaries, but we do this for the pride and future of our home. As CT experts, we handle stuff that's out of the normal bounds of NERV, the police, the JSDF, the UN and everybody else. James: Now, you were at-- [The server arrives with another set of plates. Dave points out some more stuff for their second course.] Dave: I was explaining humanity's future. James: Then go on. Dave: I will. James: Then go. Dave: Then shut up. James: ... (motions for Dave to continue) Dave: The HIP is still a little sketchy, even to me, but it involves some obscure prophecy--and I must point out that it is INCOMPLETE--from the Dead Sea Scrolls. Also, it involves the 'Sephirotic System'. James: The Tree of Life? Dave: Yes. Apparently it is to make a step into the next level of existence by mending mankind's errors and erasing our faults. By surviving the tests that make up the system, we achieve a state of Godness. James: Legend. Pure rhetoric. Ed: For the layman, yes. But with enough power... Dave: Yes, with enough power, the system may have some purpose... James: What are you implying? Dave: It would take a long time to explain and I don't fully possess the facts now. No one person should, it's quite complex. James: I can understand, but where do we fit in? The testing? Dave: In a peripheral fashion. As you are aware, the government does not see it in their own best interest to tell it's people everything, or anything at all as the case may be. Since this is a government operation, no facet of the public is aware of it's existence. James: And they would try to stop it? Dave: It doesn't sound good on paper either, James. It calls for great sacrifice, a payment for our sins. James: I would think that's something we, as a race, cannot afford. Dave: Given what we're up against, it should more than pay for our sins. Ed: And then what, baptism by fire? Dave: That was the original idea, but I digress: Second Impact. Miko: I have a bad feeling about this. Dave: An Angel gave us our first warning. James: You are implying that... was a warning shot? [Dave nods.] Ed: Whoa, momma. Dave: So, this organization is designed to facilitate this last step to godhood, by defeating the other Angels-- James: Seventeen in total. Dave: And hence triggering a 'Third Impact' and evolving mankind into something more advanced. More complete. Miko: And this is a good thing? Dave: It is an end of one era and the beginning of the next, but it isn't an easy step, and once we make it, we can't go back. Miko: Then people would obviously be afraid. [At this point, we notice that the sake has been pushed aside, and food consumption has fallen to zero as they converse intensely around the table.] Ed: And we're _helping_ these people? Dave: No other option. Our current path of advancement is a complete dead-end. Without this way out, mankind will be nothing but marks in stone in less than a hundred years. Miko: I think that's pretty harsh. James: The truth usually is, Miko. Miko: Yes... (looks far away, eyes unfocused) James: Well, enough about this apocalyptic crap, let's talk logistics. Dave: I'm having dinner. (gulps down some crap sushi) We can talk logistics later. Ed: Let's talk weapons. James: We aren't talking about weapons until we talk about logistics. Miko? Miko: Hmm? What? James: What about you? How did you become a demon hunter, anyway? Miko: Well, I'm not... not really. I'm actually half-demon. (James' eyes widen; Ed drops his sushi) My father runs the whole demon realm, like a lord or something. Until I was eighteen, I was raised as a normal human girl by my grandmother, the last Maruko ninja in our line. She passed all her knowledge onto me. Anyway, an old rival clan is after something hidden in the Shikima realm and they've been using girls from the local universities to get at it. James: So you're more like a dimensional police officer? Miko: Hmm. Well, yes, in a way. Ed: And you're half demon? Miko: Yes... I have blue blood. Dave: Literally, or in the sense you're royalty? James: Both, I'd imagine. Miko: (stares at James) Well, you certainly have sharp eyes. James: My alien eyesight is pretty good. Miko: With all the gloating you did over your own chest, I'd never imagine it. James: (puts his hands behind his head) All healthy self-image, stick-girl. Miko: (flustered) S-s-s-stick-girl?! (forhead veins throbbing) STICK-GIRL?!! Ed: Chest? (picks up a piece of sushi) James: (shit-eating grin) Just try. Miko: You act like a little girl! James: A girl?! Hah! At least I'M better built! Miko: Yeah, built like a monkey! James: Baka! Miko: Kawaiikune! Dave: (eyes wide) My god... Ed: I'm not seeing this I'm not seeing this I'm not seeing this I'm not seeing this... Miko: Oh yeah! [Miko splashes James with her cold tea.] ---------- Title Flash: SIDESTEP:EVANGELION Episode 1: Welcome to Hell, and Your Little Dog, Too!/ The High Life and Less. ---------- James: That was not funny. [Ed is staring at James with eyes the size of small dinner plates, his sushi (along with the chopsticks holding it) jammed into his cheek. Dave raises an eyebrow. James sighs and starts idly drumming her fingers against the table.] Dave: ... You're a woman. Interesting. [And indeed, James is a rather rather cute... woman. She actually looks about sixteen, with spiky black hair that refuses to lay down and large emerald green eyes. She is much shorter than James--even sitting down-- and although she is also much smaller, arms look equally rugged. The suit James is wearing doesn't fit so well now, however, espicially around her nicely-sized chest. Speaking of James, she finally notices she is leaving dents in the table and shrugs.] Ed: (swallows, moves his mouth a little, then looks at Dave oddly) James just turned into a woman. Dave: I can see that. Ed: (raising in volume) And all you can say is interesting?! Dave: Let's just say my pre-college job and living around James for a few years has prepared me for such shocks. Miko: (also raising in volume) This happens often?! [James switches to drumming against her leg after she breaks off a section of the table.] James: (idly) Not really, but you expect what you expect. Besides, I _did_ tell you guys, right? Ed: Aaaaaahhh. (beat) Well, you didn't expect us to believe it, did you? [James stares at Ed.] Ed: Nevermind. Dave: When James puts on his 'serious' face, he really means it. Ed: This is just too damn weird. Miko: (snots) Huh. Well, you weren't at the airport. James: Oh, sure, let's just tell them everything! Miko: Oh, do you have a reputation to protect? James: Ed is a... sensitive person. And Dave shouldn't be exposed to such influences. Miko: (insultingly cute voice) Would he be mean to Jamey-wamie? James: (brushes off the insult with a sip of sake) Tank at the front door, rocket-launcher in the face... that kind of thing. Miko: (pokes at her food) Doesn't sound too bad. Dave: (in the background) I do not. James: Yeah, he's just a violent maniac. Dave: I am recording this conversation, James. James: Fine with me, I ain't drunk yet. [Everybody sips at their drinks and munches on their food. They look at each other, but for a short while nothing is said.] Miko: Oh, what was the idea, biting my lip like that, anyway? (In the background, Ed accidentally rips off a section of the table in surprise) James: Well, sometimes I just can't control myself.... [Ed, who is viewing a mental image of this, jerks abruptly at James' words and smashes his teacup into powder.] James: (continuing) Well, when I'm a girl anyway. [Another mental image; Ed jerks again, knocking his plate off the table.] James: (oblivious) I'll fix that soon enough. Just need to work on my control. (casual) Hey, why'd you tear my shirt off like that anyway? [This time, Ed breaks a floorboard trying to pick up his plate. Dave frowns in his direction.] James: ... Not that it did much harm, but in the street! [Ed closes his eyes and tries to control his breathing.] Miko: Well, everybody ran away when you started shooting shit up with that weird energy. [Ed again, this time flying his tea cup across the room.] Miko: (continuing) You didn't seem to mind the shirt at all, with your hands down mine. [Ed freezes in place, a small drop of blood oozing from his nose.] James: (turns to glare at Ed) Will you [KNOCK] IT [OFF]?!! Sheesh. Well, as I was going to say, you weren't wearing much of a shirt in the first place. Are you saying you minded? Miko: Not in a bad way. [Ed collapses, blood spewing from his nose.] Dave: Ahem. You two are starting to disturb Ed. Could you please steer the conversation into other areas? James: How about-- Dave: How about we come up with a decent name so I can at least keep your female half secret. James: Why? Dave: I knew you'd ask that. I've just had an epiphany: We keep your female side under wraps, like a secret agent. You go in, she comes out. to the rest of the world, you're two different people in the ultimate disguise. James: (liking the idea) One a super-powered badass fem-fatale, the other a kick-ass lethal assassin type backing up NERV. Excellent. What about a name? Dave: I'll think of something. [Ed recovers and sits himself at the table delicately, like he expects it to attack him or something.] James: Sorry you had to hear that, Ed. Ed: I'll live. Just... just don't do it again. Miko: You know, I do believe know you guys are real pros at something. James: Oh, we're pros at everything. Miko: So it seems. Now, you want me to work with you? Dave: Well, the details will be hammered out tomorrow at our meeting, but for know it looks like James is our 'applied force' wing. James: Great, I'm Takona's successor. Dave: And you, Miko, will be under his... supervision. (thinking) Why does that suddenly sound like a bad idea? James: Sounds good to me. [Fade out on James' evil grin.] [Ending Flash:] T O B E C O N T I N U E D. [Ending credits roll. Metallica's 'Sanitarium' starts playing. The song is overlaid by the narrator's voice , matching the scenes flashing in the background.] Narrator: A visit from the past? It looks like James is spilling all. Wonder why? It's in the next episode. And Gendo?! My God, actual EVANGELION characters? They weren't joking! [Ending credits:] Ranting, Sidestep, lots of other stuff: Jared Waddell, HQ Consulting: Insanity Productions Staff Remarks: John Genoni, Pullman Branch Nothing at all: Andy Mucha, Kennewick Bunker Miko Mido is right out of the anime 'La Blue Girl'. Jusenkyo is from Ranma 1/2 geography. Tokyo-3 and all things and characters present regarding Eva are from Neon Genesis: Evangelion. No copyright infringement is intended. This work is copyrighted but non-profit. All other characters, unless noted, are copyright Insanity Productions. Original characters created by Insanity Productions may be used in freely in other non-profit works. Special effects provided by Insanity Productions Technical Department. And thank you, the reader, for... well, reading.