Number: 65 Title: The IT Department from Hell Type: Original Fiction The People: ---------- Bob - a.k.a. Microsoft Guy, or Microsoft Sales Guy (frequently shortened to MSG). Bob is skilled in the Dark Arts, wears a Suit, and has access to an entire army to assist him accomplishing his Evil Goals. He also trains "those ninny SEALs" to work in the MS Special Forces group. Bob's many abilities make him a difficult foe to grapple with. Toji Landers - a.k.a. The Printer Ninja. Toji actually repairs the printers, though with other pieces of technology, he's at a loss. He also thinks that the equipment doesn't like him and insults his honor. Toji takes his honor very seriously, and is a nice guy once you get to know him. Adrian Kurnt - a.k.a. The Wizard of Wire, the Network Master. Eddy is earthy, non-materialist. He seems to half-exist as an electronic entity and perform supernatural feats with the tools of his trade. As the Network Master, many come to him for knowledge. Malcom - a.k.a. The Unix Guru. No-one really knows about this guy's past, it's very cloudy. He is rumored to have been born to seven different sets of parents in nine different states. Perhaps this explains his affinity for the unix operating system(s)? Malcom never seems to need money, a place to stay, utensils, or anything, really. He's so handy that a paperclip can be transformed into a working motorscooter in his hands. He always gets the job done, and always seems to be there when you need him, right before you ask for his help. CorE - A copier that gained sentience in order to frustrate the administrative Suit that verbally abused it one too many times. CorE lacks most human tact and general understanding of the human world, but seems to know about whatever's going on, as he's the busiest copier in on campus. As he hasn't spoken to any sentient copiers, he comes with various theories as to what happened to the other--often influenced by the contents of whatever document was scanned into him last. Oh, documents have a 'taste' for him. Crazy Larry - Like Malcom, no-one knows precisely where he came from or what he's doing here. Unlike Malcom, he's not terribly good at fixing things. He IS good at running interference. With the mentality of a shell-shocked Vietnam veteran, Larry can run circles around the best of them. Jenna Bella - Probably the only person who understands (or even notices) the IT department, Jenna is the poverbial 'hot school nurse.' She tends the various "battle" wounds the group recieves, and routinely serves as a barrier between the worst of the 'outside' world and the strange men of the IT department that really keep things ticking. Unlike most, Jenna treats the IT department like human beings. Her only quirk is that she doesn't mind most of the guys hitting on her. In any romantic situation with one of the nerds, she gets interrupted by another one of the nerds, who starts acking like an older brother to the nurse, so no-one ever gets laid. Well... maybe someone will, we'll see. Dan Dimitri - a.k.a. The New Guy. Dan has come to work and learn here. He studiest the crafts of the various masters, starting with odd jobs, then moving to very odd jobs, then to assistant. Periodically, he's called in to deal with various crises, and comes to understand the IT department better as he spends more time there. Eventually, it is revealed that he's inherited the Key to the Server Room, and the group has hired him in order to prepare him for the trials he will face (translation: he was hired to head up the IT department, and most of the story centers around the group preparing him for the task). Mr. Whatever - Barry - The Windows Technical Support Robot. Constructed by Toji, programmed by Malcom. Scenes: ---------- "And this is Toji, the Printer Ninja." "Ninja?" "Insolent whelp! Taste my Cobra Strikes Keyboard Technique!" Shouted a voice from inside the room. A second later came the sound of a helpless keyboard snapping in two. "Whoa..." "Don't let him get into any fights with the HP printers. Last time, the doctor have to remove three gears from his leg." "Are you sure this job doesn't have hazard pay?" "It's not a job, it's an adventure." "Riiight..." "Here's Adrian, the Network Master." "I can't believe I'm asking this, but why's he floating?" "He's not. He's suspended by cat5 cabling. Are you sure you don't need your eyes checked?" "Actually, I'm sure I do. Continue, please." "Certainly. This is Malcom, the Unix Guru." "Ah, that's the reason for the beard, I assume?" "No, he's got a beard because he's not allowed near any razors. Or other sharp objects for that matter." Dan rubbed his temples. Working here was going to be interesting indeed. "Go on." "And here's Barry, the Windows Technical Support Robot." "A robot handles your Windows tech support?" "People complain less now. Barry isn't prone to homicidal rages, and only occasionally screams obscenities at the caller." "Do the callers know he's a robot?" "Don't be silly. They use Windows. Oh yeah. Get him a cup of coffee every hour, on the hour. Trust me, you don't want to be on his bad side." "I thought he wasn't prone to homicidal rages." "You'd be amazed what you can live through.... That reminds me, don't wear any loose jewelry or loose clothing around him either." "Are you going to make me feed the crocodiles too?" "Don't be silly. We got rid of the crocodiles last simester. But if that Microsoft guy comes back...." MEANWHILE, IN BUSHES OUTSIDE OF THE McPHEARSON CAMPUS A lone figure in a dangerous-looking suit (don't ask me how he makes it look dangerous, and don't ask him either, or he'll have to kill you), sat in the bushes, watching the IT staffing shed. Numerous really tough-looking dudes in black armor arrayed around him looked on, while the Suit muttered under his breath. "I return, my old nemesis... I return...." ---------- Dropping down from the ceiling with a Lexmark 3200ps strapped to his back like a hunter hauling home his kill, Toji posed dramatically. His co-workers instantly joined him in likewise posing. "We are, the IT Group!" Dan blinked. The silence drug out, as did the poses. Same blinked again. "I'm amazed you guys don't have dramatic music playing." "Where _is_ our dramatic music?" The Malcom mused. Adrian eyed Malcom through the cat5e that shrouded him. "Our dramatic mp3s are being moved to the Outlander server right now. Got to distribute bandwidth better, you know." Dan put his head in hands. ----------