Number: 60 Title: The Durankov Text Adventure! Type: Original Fiction ---------- [What I have so far:] You wake up in apartment surrounded by dead bodies and out of ammunition. Your pockets contain a folded piece of paper, a small bit of cheese in vacuum packaging, and empty 9mm handgun, and a bloody toothpick. The piece of paper contains a list with the following on it: - Get milk - Return 'Saving Private Ryan' to video store - Assassinate Prime Minister of France - Be home in time for cornflakes (I will serve the cornflakes WHEN you get back with the milk -Dave) Loosely, after leaving the apartment, you find yourself accosted by a mosquito. The path to getting rid of this bug is a lot harder than you think it is, involving a two-state car chase, several hostages, a few dozen dead bodies and who knows how many curse words. --- > Swat at mosquito You swing wildly, hitting a man in a suit. The man is knocked off his feet by your mighty blow and thrown into the street, where a massive truck hits him. It starts raining blood. People point and scream. Suddenly you're the center of a LOT of unwanted attention that you need to get rid of--NOW. And that damn mosquito is buzzing in your ear. > Don't panic You grab a nearby woman in a headlock, bring your empty gun to her temple and shout 'GET BACK! EVERYONE JUST GET BACK!' > I said don't panic! You are still perfectly calm. A mosquito is buzzing in your ear. > Do something You whistle innocently. Nearby civilians see this and dive for cover. The mosquito continues to buzz in your ear. > Hijack car You step into traffic and scream at a helpless college student driving a Toyota with more rust than metal in its body. In a matter of seconds, you and your two hostages are seated comfortably inside, you at the driver's wheel. > Drive fast You smash the gas pedal to the floor and hear the engine cough and die. The college kid is praying for forgiveness. The woman is screaming. A mosquito is buzzing in your ear. > Open window You roll down the driver's side window and the mosquito promptly flies out. You attempt a little victory dance but wind up hitting your head on the steering wheel. > Start car. With some cursing, you manage to coax the engine back to life. Police sirens can be heard in the distance. A mosquito flies through an open window in the back and begins circling your head onimously. > Curse. You scream every profanity known to man and a few known only to demons of the neither realm. The college student passes out. The woman starts speaking in the tongues. A mosquito is buzzing around your head. The police sirens are getting closer. > Drive carefully. The car leaps forward like a thoroughbread, plowing over four people as you jump the curb and take out the front window of a book store. The car fish-tales wildly as you make for the nearest off-ramp and enter the freeway. Two police cruisers narrowly miss you as you head into freeway traffic in the wrong direction. > Panic ... ---------- Finally you arrive at your apartment (one of many 'safehouses') to find it crawling with police. You must disguise yourself as a cop and 'sneak' inside to recover your video. On the way to the video store you will pass out due to hunger if you don't get some grub, so must stop at a convenience store. The convenience store is robbed while you're trying to get milk there. No matter what you do, the milk won't survive the encounter, but at least you get to have some fun. :) ---------- > Open door. You pull open the glass door, even though you can see the milk inside perfectly well with it CLOSED. You peer at the cartons inside and note the varieties you have to choose from: Strawberry Chocolate 2% Milk Whole Milk 1% Milk Vitamin D enhanced milk 2% Vitamin D enhanced milk Goat's milk > Get 2% milk. NO, YOU FOOL! > I You have: A bad attitude A bloody toothpick A 9mm pistol, loaded A 12-gauge shotgun, loaded A twisted sense of humor Several nudie pics you found in the cop's uniform, hey! Is that Mrs. Pinkley from down the street? No luck, so don't even try it > Look at nudie pics A sudden blast of wind caused by some people entering the store blow the pictures out of your grasp. They tumble down the isles and slip under the displays, forever lost. > Decry fate You scream to the heavens about the injustice of it all. The heavens don't listen. People are staring. You don't care. > Select whole milk. You grab a gallon of the good stuff and let the refrigerator door close. Shouting can be heard at the front of the store, where four youths are pointing guns at the man behind the register. You draw your weapon and duck out of sight at the end of the isle, clutching your milk like a child holding its blankie. > Get cookies. You reach out and snag a few bags of chocolate chip cookies. The shouting continues. > Wait You patienty sit here for a few minutes, counting the ceiling tiles. The shouting isn't getting the robbers anywhere. You start to get bored and wonder if you should just kill them. > Put away gun. With great reluctance, you sheath your weapon. The shouting continues unabated, and the cops aren't coming. You have a flight to catch, a video to return...this could take all day. > Wait. Everything grows dim. Your stomach growl so loudly that the nearby display rattles, drawing the attention of the robbers. > Throw No luck so don't even try it at the robbers. The No luck so don't even try it bounces soundly off the head of the nearest robber, confusing his partner. Your stomach growls like an 800-pound grizzly bear again. > Eat cookies. You go through the bag like a starving assassin through a bag of chocolate chip cookies and wonder why you can barely speak. > Drink milk. You chug the good stuff and can finally breath without inhaling chocolate chips. One of the robbers finds you. > Kill robber. You use the milk carton to knock the robber's gun aside, and execute a seven-hit combination for 47,000,000 points. You then land a stunning death blow with the milk carton that causes it (the carton, not the robber's head) to explode and get milk everywhere. No one appears to have noticed your attack. > Hide body in shadows. The body is eaten by a grue. > ! Me too, buddy. > I You have: A slight smirk. A bloody toothpick A 9mm pistol, loaded A 12-gauge shotgun, loaded A twisted sense of humor A bag of unopened cookies Lots of cookie crumbs and milk all over your clothes, you hopeless slob. ---------- The video store is attacked by ninja, then you realize the video case holds the wrong DVD. You bite the bullet and accept the late fees, heading for France. France presents no obstacle to your mission, and you quickly make your way to the chambers of the French Prime Minister. Inside awaits Dave, who gives you the revised plans and asks you to meet him seventeen floors up. ---------- You stand in a nice hallway with many dark shadows about. The Prime Minister should be nearby, banging an intern. Dave is not here yet. It appears you will have to quietly wait for him here. > Hide in shadows. You are eaten by a grue. Recover game? Y/N Y You stand in a nice hallway with many dark shadows about. The Prime Minister should be nearby, banging an intern. Dave is not here yet. It appears you will have to quietly wait for him here. > Wait. You pull out a table, chair, television set, and a box of cookies and begin watching your soaps. > Look inconspicuous. You put on a bathrobe, some comfortable slippers, and try to look like you've always been sitting here. Dave is not here yet. > Contemplate existence. WHEN WILL IT END?! OH GOD WHEN WILL IT END?!! > ... ok. No you aren't. Next question please. > I You have: A 9mm handgun with five bullets 2 small packages of cheese No respect for human life No sanity at all A few friends A cheese fetish Some smelly socks that you can't remember picking up Numerous scars Bloody toothpick Apparently a bunch of other stuff that you can't find at the moment Five seconds to live. > Wait Dave arrives, looking at you with a stare that could freeze dead bodies and then shatter him. He's that fucking pissed. Seriously. > Wave at Dave. You execute a jaunty wave and mumble a 'hello' around a mouthfull of cookies. Dave frowns. Your life expectancy is reduced by five years. > Do something nice for Dave. You offer your seat to Dave, who does not take it. "If we're ready to kill people..." He says coldly. > Appease Dave. You offer him...the crumbs of your last bag of cookies. "Pass." Dave says. > Commit Seppeku. You drop to your knees, soul filled with determination. Lacking a knife, you tightly fold your chip bag into a lethal blade and prepare to slice your own stomach open. Dave grabs your arm, drawing a Desert Eagle .50 and gesturing to the nearest door. How he manages this with both hands full, you'll never learn. > Draw gun. You drop your improvised seppeku blade, which sticks in the floor with a dull 'thunk.' Dave glares at you while 500 guards burst into the hallway. > Attack guards. You throw your television at the guards. Dozens are knocked unconscious. Two are killed instantly. You scream at the heavens because your TV is lost. > Throw table at guards. The guards nimbly dodge your flimsy card table. > Fire gun at guards. The guards quickly pile on top of you, your gun is knocked away from your hand. > Fight off guards. You scream "TARANTULA HAVING ORGASM!!!" The guards go flying. You stand and glare the Glare of Death and the few that remain, and they whimper pitifully. > Finish off guards. You tear out the heart of the nearest guard and take a healthy bite out of it. The other guards either faint or run away. FATALITY! > WHY DIDN'T I DO THAT FIRST?!! Because you didn't think of it first. > Beat head against nearest wall. You slam your head into the alarm button on the wall. The alarm button is undamaged, your head is and hurts terribly, and now a loud alarm is wailing throughout the building. Dave is glaring at you. "You idiot!" > Open nearest door. You kick down the nearest door and fire blindly into the room. A tall man you recognize as Durankov D stands inside, staring at you. "Was that really necessary?" Durankov D says, pulling out some cigarettes. ---------- So, the Prime Minister of France is dead. You're back in America. Just one thing left to do... ---------- > Go inside. You are inside a large grocery outlet. Lots of mothers and children about. You feel the beginning of some hives. Better be quick about this. > I You have: Blood-stained, burnt, shredded clothing covered by indestructable trench coat Legacy controls Fat wad of cash New toothpick Very little patience You stand before the milk display. The shelves behind you have deep shadows in them. The old lady still refuses to give up your milk. > Take milk Lightning quick, the old lady hits you on the head while keeping the milk out of arm's reach. > I You have: Blood-stained, burnt, shredded clothing covered by indestructable trench coat Legacy controls Fat wad of cash New toothpick No patience at all > Get grue Reaching into the shadows as only an assassin can, you pull out a grue and throw it at the old lady. The grue eats the old lady, belches loudly and leaps back into the shadows. There is a carton of milk here. There are shelves with deep shadows here. > Get milk With an unparalleled degree of caution and apprehension, you slowly and carefully grasp the carton of milk and hug it to your chest. The sky does not fall on your head, ninja do not leap out of thin air, a horade of Japanese school girls do not try to mob you. You feel immensely disappointed. > I Double-checking, you have: Blood-stained, burnt, shredded clothing covered by indestructable trench coat Legacy controls Fat wad of cash New toothpick A carton of milk Satisfied smirk > Go to checkout lane You dash for the front of the store as fast as your burnt feet can carry you. After dodging hundreds of carts, millions of kids, and several ex-KGB assassins, you arrive at the shortest checkout line available and quickly make your purchase. You are at the front of a large grocery outlet. Lots of mothers and children about. You feel the beginning of some hives. > Go to car In a few minutes, you arrive at a nicely restored, silver 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500. You caress the car's fender, lovingly mouthing the word 'Elanor.' Your car is several isles away. > Hotware Elanor Well inside of sixty seconds, you are inside Elanor and revving the wonderful engine. > Drive home In a cloud of tire smoke, you exit the parking lot, sideways. The drive home only causes thirty-seven accidents. You pull into your parking space, noticing that Dave hasn't arrived yet. > Go inside house Mashing the throttle with maniacal zeal, you drive through the wall of your apartment and crash into the kitchen. Fifteen booby-traps go off at once and kill you instantly. Restore game? Y/N Y > Exit Elanor Are you kidding? > Exit Elanor With a mournful sigh, you turn off the car and step outside. > Go inside house Whistling a merry tune, you enter your apartment walking on air and deposit the milk carton on the table. You put Elanor's keys on the counter and start to shrug out of your coat. "I had to walk home from the store." Says an irritated Dave from your dining room table. You freeze, half out of your coat. You are suddenly imparted with a sense of your impending doom. > Put on coat. You slip back into your coat with extreme care, trying not to tip-off Dave. From the dining room, he continues. "You see, I drove my Mustang to the store." Your blood runs cold. "And when I left, it was missing." Your life expectancy is shortened by twenty years. "It was the silver one, the Shelby GT500, you know?" You're probably going to die in the next ten seconds. > Make peace with maker. He refuses, but at least you tried. "It is time for cornflakes." Dave says absently. You hear the rustle of someone setting down a newspaper. "Milk. Excellent." Says Dave. He speaks with no inflection at all, never mind that such a thing isn't possible. "Did you get the cornflakes?" You're probably going to die in the next two seconds. > Montana way You make your escape from the kitchen window, drop three stories and land your feet. You sprint for all you're worth, direction be dammed. After a dozen paces, you find Dave standing directly in front of you. > Hide in shadow You hide in the shadows. A grue is here, but looks too terrified to be hungry. He kicks you out of the shadow. Dave is here, looking...displeased. > Yell at grue. "TRAITOR!" You scream, shaking your fist at the shadows. Dave is standing here. He puts a hand solemnly on your shoulder. He is holding Elanor's keys. He speaks. "Get in the car. We're going to the store." You flail and scream like a two year old. "NO! NO! NO! It's dangerous out there! People don't like me! Ninjas... ninjas everywhere! I returned the videos damn it! I've been a good boy." Dave slaps you. You calm down. "I'm okay, really. Everything is fine. Don't concentrate on the nasty problems James, think up some creative solutions." Dave steps back, as if your insanity may be catching. "Fine. I'll go the store, and I'll be back in time for cornflakes." Dave walks magestically into the sunset. After finishing off your popcorn, you wonder what's in store for the sequel. - THE END - Your Score is: 6660 of 6969 points You have earned: +27 Insanity bonus +23 Body count bonus -500 Intelligence bonus Have been awarded the rating: Taco - Hard on the outside and easily broken. A powerful and gut-wrenching array of spices inside thrwart even your toughest enemies. (ultimate score: Cheese - You're God. What else is there to say?)