Number: 55 Title: James Point Five Type: Fan fiction ---------- Teaser: ---------- You've heard this one before. It's tale of woe, a tale of adventure...a tail of a total lunatic messing with the Ranma 1/2 world like nothing before or since... -------------------------------------------------- The youth plunged into the pool below, struggling in the frigid water. A second later, a tall American burst from the pool. He was dressed in a huge black trench coat and oozed violence with every movement. He dropped to the wet ground next to the pool in a crouch, coughed up some water, and proceeded to dance a jig and burst into spontaneous song. "I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm aliii~iiive!" -------------------------------------------------- That's right folks, the most dangerous assassin the world has ever known has come to the Ranma 1/2 universe. -------------------------------------------------- James grabbed the panda and continued his dance for a few minutes, then realized what he was dancing with. Against all common sense known to God and man, he put the panda in an arm lock and held it against the ground, shouting. "Who sent you?! Who sent you?!" -------------------------------------------------- Of course, whoever said James wasn't all there didn't know the half of it. -------------------------------------------------- "Say goodbye." The assassin snarled, finger tightening on the trigger. "But--" Ryouga thought desperately. He was out of options. What could he say now? "You can't kill me!" The assassin paused, looking at him strangely. "Don't move." He said warningly, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. The heading read: PEOPLE JAMES RAHN IS NOT ALLOWED TO KILL The man began muttering to himself while apparently reading the list. "Tendo...Tendo...lot of Tendo's on this list...oh yes, and _him_. WHAT?!! I'm not allowed to kill the staff of the New York Times?!!" -------------------------------------------------- But James _can_ be kept under control. Sort of. When it's absolutely necessary... -------------------------------------------------- "James!" Genma barked. The assassin question looked derisively at the martial artist. "Get lost." Slowly, Genma put one hand in his gi top. James froze. Genma spoke in a low, dangerous voice. "Now, look what you've made me do." James' eyes were glued to where Genma's hand should be. He spoke in a strangled whisper. "No." Genma had apparently found what he was looking for and was pulling it towards the opening in his gi. "NO!" James hissed, prostrating himself before Genma. "Jamesss will behave!" "I'm sorry, but you _made_ me do it." Genma said darkly, his glasses glinting in a most evil fashion. A fantastic tie was revealed. James cowered and hissed like a l33t haxx0r seeing the sun. "No! NOOO! Not the tiesss. Tiesss dirty! Dirty, yesss...can't wear..." "You will get hot water." Genma said sternly. This time, James recoiled as if struck. "Hot water filthy! DIRTY! Burnsss. Hot--" Genma waved the tie before James, who closed his mouth and, staring at Genma with a terrified look in his eyes, upended a thermos over his head. Ranma sputtered for a minute, capped the thermos, and regarded the fantastic tie. "James mis-behave again, pops?" Genma deflated as he put the tie away. "Yes, son. That...was a close one." The Tendo's were too busy recovering from their face-faults to comment. -------------------------------------------------- He has his uses though. He's loyal to a fault, and this the Tendo and Saotome clans will need in the coming days... -------------------------------------------------- A lone figure in a scorched tench coat opened an abused wooden gate and sank to its knees on the stone walkway to a traditional Japanese dojo. Behind the disheveled figure, the city burned like web of cinders, the inferno of destruction fanned by the legion of attack helicopters making their way across the remains of Nerima-ku's Central City Management Office. Wordlessly, the figure dropped a worn and crumpled piece of paper on the stones, and supplicated itself before a tall stern man in a black gi. "I have..." The trench coat-clad figure coughed, then steadied his voice. "Returned the videos, and...paid the late fees." The figure collapsed, unconscious. -------------------------------------------------- Even if his presence upsets some people... -------------------------------------------------- Ranma thought he was doing pretty good, until he fended off a kick and found himself stepping too hard on a weak section of the fence. Ryouga launched another kick without stopping, and when Ranma blocked it, the fence gave way. Down he went. Trying to swim back through the air. James came to under water. Why was it always water? He heard a voice from above, and distorted through the water, yell, "RANMA SAOTOME, COME OUT AND FACE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN!" Well, if someone wanted a fight, he'd give 'em one. James pulled the shirt off and tied it around his waist. The silk slowed him down too much once wet. Then he drew a .30-caliber SAW, and as a finishing touch, tied on a white headband. Then he rose from the water. The world seemed to shift into slow motion as he came out holding the massive weapon, water sloughing picturesquely off of his chiseled physique. With the squeeze of a trigger, the SAW introduced itself. Ryouga opened his umbrella, shielding himself from the spray of bullets while James cackled maniacally. Where the hell had Ranma ran off to? That coward! Hiring mercenaries to fight in his place! Ryouga plotted his retreat, but wound up putting his back to the machine-gun-firing maniac. "Hah! An opening!" The lunatic shouted. Ryouga ran, and for once, he didn't care where his wandering feet took him. "RANMA, YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!" -------------------------------------------------- Coming... What? I'm actually supposed to write this?! This isn't in my contract, you s-- -------------------------------------------------- COMING SOON