Number: 27 Title: Night of the Tenticular Menace Type: Original fiction ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The murder, the mass hysteria, the walking buildings, seven- story multi-tentacled beasts raping women everywhere, that kind of thing has sunk in just fine, but I just can't deal with this emotional stuff!" - Ichiro Kusanagi. Premise: On a plane of reality which is slowly coming apart, a tortured Earth lies at a nexus between dimensions. There, a young Kendoist is about to meet his destiny. Having lived through and fought off weirdness that positively floors even the DTF, he has embarked on a mission to stop the evil tentacle beasts from preying on other unsuspecting universes. Along with his older sister, his brother-in-law, and a mad scientist, he is armed with his trusty trans-dimensional blade, defeating tentacular evil wherever it may lurk... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drammatis Personae: Ichiro Kusanagi - A polite practitioner of classical Kendo and Aikido, Ichiro is a pillar of strength and serenity in the sea of endless, senseless chaos which surrounds him. He's rattled only by a few mushy human emotions. Ichiro worked as a garbage man/superhero in his homeworld, collecting trash and saving maidens from tentacle-rape of the worst sort. His dimension was tearing itself apart when a mad scientist offered Ichiro the chance to become a legendary defender of peace. Ichiro readily agreed, took up the offered sword, and left his homeworld to find fame and fortune. His sister and brother-in-law tagged along, dragging the mad scientist with them, and life hasn't been the same since. Ichiro is almost a boring character, but his experiences with general weirdness, combined with his casual manner of shocking people by commenting on said experiences, keep him entertaining even when he's not kicking alien butt. Vital stats: NAME: Ichiro Kusanagi AGE: 23 HEIGHT: 163cm (5'4") WEIGHT: 63kg (140lbs) MARTIAL ART: Kendo (sword), Aikido, some Judo, Kenpo SEX: Male HAIR COLOR: Light brown EYE COLOR: Black (glows red when angry) BUILD: Muscular, wiry ---------- Iiko Kusanagi - Elder sister to Ichiro, this incestuous nymphomaniac wants her brother in the worst (or best, depending on your morals) way. She tagged along with him on this little adventure because she needed something from him (gee, big guess as to what). Iiko is outgoing, excitable, bubbly, etc. Her husband is somewhat more reserved and the two make a cute couple, as long as their clothes are on. Otherwise, they're just annoying. Iiko takes to being the bate for Ichiro's little traps without complaint... usually. Her most often heard complaint is "You could have waited a few more minutes!" (note utter lack of sarcasm). Physically, she's a looker, but her hand-to-hand skills are also far above average. All around, a nice side kick to have, if she wasn't hitting on her brother so much. She also has a thing for missiles. Go fig. Vital stats: NAME: Iiko Kusanagi AGE: It's not polite to ask (but she's three years older than Ichiro) HEIGHT: 158cm (5'2") WEIGHT: It's not polite to ask. MARTIAL ART: Tenth Dan in Judo, some Aikido, Mien Chuan SEX: Lots, please! HAIR COLOR: Changes every episode EYE COLOR: Black (matches Ichiro's... most of the time) BUILD: Voluptuous. ---------- Yuki Kusanagi - Iiko's husband. A rich bachelor until the elder Kusanagi sibling snagged him, Yuki's a few cards short of a full deck. He collects cliches, and loves gunfights and cool cars. Sometimes, he even steals cool cars, usually to kill time. He's an extremely shrewd thinker, though, so don't sell him short. Vital stats: NAME: Yuki Kusanagi (married name) HEIGHT: 175cm (5'8") WEIGHT: 66kg (145lbs) MARTIAL ART: Some Judo SEX: Male HAIR COLOR: Black EYE COLOR: Green BUILD: Slim ---------- Dr. Mad - The mad (but not evil) scientist who drew Ichiro into the work of killing tentacle monsters. Dr. Mad wanted a taste of adventure, but not the whole bowl of tongue-searing soup. Having discovered and studied the sword that Ichiro now wields, Dr. Mad is a useful sorce of information. He is a blatant pervert, but would rather not harm girls' feelings in the process, so he actually listens to reason on occasion. Make no mistake--Mad is no fool, and can be a formidible foe if he is truly ready to fight. As his heal has faded in recent years, he would rather the younger members of his crew do the physical stuff. Dr. Mad serves the group as the primary guide and master of expository dialogue. His rapid, tactful manner of explaning plot points is humorous and appreciated. Vital stats: NAME: Unknown (called You Lunatic, You Bastard, etc...) HEIGHT: 137cm (4'6", hunched over) WEIGHT: 50kg (110lbs) MARTIAL ART: None SEX: Male HAIR COLOR: White EYE COLOR: Blue BUILD: Whithering ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Calmness flowed through his veins, chilling them like liquid peppermint. He approached the nexus of calm, centering on his endlessly calm being... the calm flowing over him like waves of ice-- "Morning, I-chan." Calmness abruptly shattering like a tea cup blind-sided by a cruise missile. Calmness engulfed like a small, annoying dog crushed under an avalanche of lava. Calmness ripped to shreds as rotting meat struck by an alligator... as his sister reached down the front of his loose pants from behind and grabbed his member in a warm embrace. Wordlessly, Ichiro pulled his sister's arms free (carefully, of course). He turned around and came face to face with his beautiful sibling. Without looking, he could tell Iiko's off-white terry cloth robe hung wide open, and there was nothing underneath. "I slept well last night." She sighed, leaning into him with another, more chaste embrace. "Iiko, I'm a little busy. Could you wait until after breakfast?" Ichiro said in a level, easygoing voice as he let his hands rest by his sides. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Thinking through your problems will usually give you a solution, but beating someone up to feel better is okay in a pinch." - Yuki Kusanagi. ======================================================================== The sun was bright and warming, and the slight breeze coming off the bay kept the four people sitting down to lunch from sweating unpleasantly through their meal. Tokyo was a nice place during the springtime, if a little crowded, but that could hardly be avoided. The four were not your normal group of friends out for a bite to eat during one of the loveliest days of the year. The first person was a normal looking Japanese man wearing a loose jacket and khakis, both in light colors. A hefty katana was propped against his chair. The second man was taller than the first, even sitting, and had black hair to the first man's brown. The second man was well-groomed and seemed to regard everything with a coy smile. The third person was a woman with red hair that shone in the sunlight. She wore a form-fitting black dress that looked better suited to clubbing than an afternoon out with her friends. The dress was simply honored to be in her presence. The fourth and final figure was a withered old man with thin white hair. He sat hunched over the table, sipping his soda idly white his free hand rubbed a small purple stone. He wore a white lab coat, looking every part a scientist. All four wore dark sunglasses. The man by the sword was just about to take a drink from his glass of juice when an entire city block adjacent to their dining area collapsed into a pile of debris, spraying dust throughout the outdoor restaurant. The man set his now muddy juice back on the table and adjusted his glasses, waiting for the dust to clear. The woman coughed, once. Several people ran by screaming. Mostly office workers scared out of their wits. The last woman past them was holding one arm over her chest. Something green was under her nails, trailing out like some kind of slime, and the top of her paint suit was fairly well shredded. A low rumble sounded in the distance. The woman in the paint suit continued to scream nonsense about a huge green monster with tentacles. "Pay up." Said the old man. His voice had a crisp, somewhat leathery quality to it. The tall man slicked back his hair and made a token effort to brush some dust from his jacket before reaching for his wallet. The woman clapped her hands together and sighed, a roguish grin spreading across her face. The man next to the sword grabbed his weapon, turning the sheathed implement of death over in his hand while he gazed at the remains of an office complex. Through the haze that still surrounded the ruined structure, several long rope-like things moved around like giant, blind snakes. "You know," He said in a voice as calm and deep as the endless blue sea. "I really wish we were getting paid for this." ---------- Insanity Productions presents, An anime bondage tentacle rape lemon parody series by Rick Spiff. What? Seriously, WHAT? Warning: Everything! Blood. Guts. Sex. Monsters. Sex with monsters. Sweat drops. This story has it all. Oh yeah, it's supposed to be kinda funny in some places too. ---------- The tall man shook his head. "More fun like this." That cued the ISO Standard Anime Character Data Sheet. NAME: Yuki Kusanagi (married name) HEIGHT: 175cm (5'8") WEIGHT: 66kg (145lbs) MARTIAL ART: Some Judo SEX: Male HAIR COLOR: Black EYE COLOR: Green BUILD: Slim "The hell you say." The old man retorted. Another character ISO character sheet was thrown out. NAME: Unknown (commonly called Dr. Mads) HEIGHT: 137cm (4'6", hunched over) WEIGHT: 50kg (110lbs) MARTIAL ART: None SEX: Male HAIR COLOR: White EYE COLOR: Blue BUILD: Whithering Standing, the woman adjusted her own sunglasses. "Relax, Dr. Mads. The fire station for this block is barely two hundred feet away. If the cops are sleeping on the job, clean-up will be minimal." Once again, for the lady. NAME: Iiko Kusanagi AGE: It's not polite to ask (but she's three years older than Ichiro) HEIGHT: 158cm (5'2") WEIGHT: It's not polite to ask. MARTIAL ART: Tenth Dan in Judo, some Aikido, Mien Chuan SEX: Lots, please! HAIR COLOR: Changes every episode EYE COLOR: Black (matches Ichiro's... most of the time) BUILD: Voluptuous. The one with the sword finally added his two cents. "They will make things difficult. We must act quickly." And, the last one. NAME: Ichiro Kusanagi AGE: 23 HEIGHT: 163cm (5'4") WEIGHT: 63kg (140lbs) MARTIAL ART: Kendo (sword), Aikido, some Judo, Kenpo SEX: Male HAIR COLOR: Light brown EYE COLOR: Black (glows red when angry) BUILD: Muscular, wiry With the character's basic statistics given, the fight was joined. Dr. Mads hung back, now wearing his lab coat is if it were a coat of armor. In one hand he held a small device that was larger than a PDA, but not large enough to be cumbersome. The main display showed the heart rate, direction/distance position, and name of all four the main characters. Dr. Mads distance was 0, and the direction indicator blanked out, of course. In one corner of the screen, the Tokyo Weather Break was playing. Yuki ran to the front of the restaraunt, which faced away from the destroyed city block and the monster that inhabited it, and jumped into a red Porsche 911 with the vanity plates that read "FAST." Iiko was at his side in less than half a second. Irchiro... Irchiro was charging striaght at the monster, his shealthed katana at his side. You could almost see the kanji "BANZAI!" written across his face as threw himself into battle. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- With the mass of tentacles suitably slain, the fighter continued his arc through the air in an almost lazy fashion. Upon landing (on his feet no less), he wiped the green ichor off of his sword and calmly returned the blade to it's sheath. Long after the monster's tentacles crashed to the ground and lay immobile, long after several drips of the monster's "blood" fell to the floor from the various parts of the fighter's now ruined clothes, Hikaru finally regained the ability to speak to her savior. "Um... who are you, sir?" Ichor still dripping off of his muscular form, the fighter answered her in a deep, serious voice. "Where I go, death follows." Hikaru held her hands to her chest fearfully, waiting for him to finish. "Where evil goes, I follow." Hikaru held her breath. The man finally sighed and pulled a wet, sticky book from his vest pocket and began leafing through it, while he mumbled to himself. "Best one-liners for any occasion my ass..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Insanity Produtions is thinking of presenting... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The tall man in a business suit pointed. "It's a bird!" The girl next to him followed the pointing finger and put in her $.02 "It's a plane!" "It's a ridiculously fast car piloted by an incredibly reckless person. Oh... it's airborn." Everyone politely ignored the crazy man carrying a sword. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fic Rick Spiff may some day write... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Out of the steaming remains of the beast crawled a woman who looked strangely familiar. She was wearing 1/5th of a pair of silk panties, lots of slime, and a pissed-off expression. "Damn it Ichiro! I wasn't finished!" "I was." The shorter man said. The one in the lab coat finished taking pictures with his Polaroid camera and waved towards the Ferrari parked at the lab's entrance. "Time to go, kids. Say good-bye." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- NIGHT OF THE TENTICULAR MENACE ~OR~ WHY CAN'T I COME UP WITH GOOD TITLES? Coming... maybe!