DISCLAIMER: I understand that each and every episode needs something saying that Neon Genesis: Evangelion was created by Studio GAINAX and that the full rights and privileges do not belong to me. And just to be safe I also should say that we have parodied, mimicked, and maybe even plagiarized a number of different works. And while I'm not too sure, I'm pretty sure that as long as I remind everyone that this is a fan-based self-insertion parody that we've long ago deviated from the canon, and that we love the hard work the responsible parties have put into their products; I should be fairly safe from legal recourse. OR I could get a cease and desist letter tomorrow. C'est la vie.
WARNING: The original material might be public domain by the time we ever finish this. And you should be used to the swearing and levels of violence by now. This used to be a Tag-Team Self-Insertion Fanfiction Story, Now... it's kind of a Mutant Co-Author Self-Insertion Fanfiction Epic. Andy has lost his muse, Jared finished the first book of Chronicles of War, and I have had the life sucked out of me from World of Warcraft. Honestly I'm surprised we've gotten this far. On that note, these Goons stories are fun to write and brainstorm with, I'm sure Jared and I are stubborn enough to see Goonvangelion through to the bitter end.
COVER-UP: Uh, that last line wasn't a spoiler. Seriously. Sunshine and happy days are ahead. Signing and dancing the likes of which you've never seen before. Not that there's necessarily singing or dancing in the future. In fact, forget I said anything!
FLASH!
*   *   *
WHAT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE - HEAVILY ABBRIDGED VERSION
NERV always hit a... soft spot with the Japanese Special Self Defense Force. With Japan still only allowed to maintain a defensive army, the Japanese Self Defense Force felt it was their exclusive duty to protect their nation. When the International Research Institute, Gehirn, chose Japan as its headquarters, the JSDF was honored to take such an important group under its wing. With the world at war with itself all over again, to think Japan so safe was quite a compliment.
Then in 2005, Gehirn became NERV. It was meant to be a special branch of the United Nations Security Council, created to research the actual cause of Second Impact. Only those with the highest level of security were privy to the fact that alien beings, called Angels, were the real cause of Second Impact. NERV was created to fight the Angels. In order to do that, NERV used Evangelions, Mankind's most advanced, and mysterious, weapon system. In order to make sure the Evas were ready to fight Angels anywhere in the world at a moment's notice, NERV had been granted special privileges by the United Nations.
Suddenly the JSDF wasn't so keen on having a secretive organization with near unstoppable weapons operating in Japan. Compromises were made. Evas needed power to run, umbilical cables were a nice way to control the beasts. Tokyo-3 and NERV underneath it were designed to keep out giant monsters, but not humans. It wasn't a coincidence that a man Andy's size could navigate the ventilation ducts, they actually were meant as an alternative route of movement for fully armored soldiers.
And then the Goons showed up. The Evas were granted unlimited power sources. Sections of Tokyo-3 were demolished and rebuilt to be more unfriendly to human invaders. In short, NERV was bunkering down for the long haul. People considered 'experts' and 'analysts' began to use words like 'grave threat' and 'coup d'etat' when talking about NERV's future. Since it was the Goons that had disrupted the tense balance the JSDF had with NERV, the three 'Persistents' were sought after for questioning in regards to their plans for NERV, or at least containment where they couldn't interfere.
While the top brass were told to train for a dangerous urban assignment down the line, there wasn't any open hostility. Then the Americans showed up and the first orders began to trickle down for their capture and interrogation. Mucha was overlooked, they assumed he had no information worth the trouble. Waddell proved impossible to capture. And while Genoni was the only one they had ever detained, he also made quite an exit. With dozens of personnel dead or wounded in their wake, it was no wonder the JSSDF was so furious. The orders from the shadows may be to observe, train and wait for the coming assault on NERV, but the Goons were cop-killers in the eyes of the JSSDF. And NERV was protecting them.
*   *   *
The Vapors "Turning Japanese" plays while the most indescribably awesome visual opening sequence in the history of fan fiction is unveiled before the reader.
*   *   *
What? We're done. Opening complete. You didn't expect another massacre of the English language like we caved to in the last episode.
*   *   *
%$&*@&%#*&*!&!!!! NO OPENER! HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF?!!
*   *   *
INT.  COMPUTER ROOM - UNDER A DESK
Looking out into the room from underneath a desk, we see one person in jeans is sitting at a wooden chair, and another in jeans is standing over the first person's shoulder. Voices identify them.
AUTHOR-JARED: (VO; manning the keyboard) You know, you could just tell me 'no extravaganza' and be done with it. There's no need to mess up the story.
AUTHOR-JOHN: (VO; lording over "his" episode) No extravaganza.
AUTHOR-JARED: (VO) Sigh.

*   *   *
TITLE FLASH
Insanity Productions presents
The Tenth Episode of the Neon Genesis Goonvangelion

Crisis of Infinite Identity / Who are You?
*   *   *

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - THE UNGODLY HOUR
Three men from NERV security stand outside the heavy, armored, routinely-replaced-due-to-excessive-damage door. One holds a small metal briefcase in a death grip. The other two are carefully looking for any potential trouble. Men like these aren't sent on simple errands to drop off a letter, or pick up some milk at the store, they are sent when a package has a good chance of being interesting to other parties. Gruff men in black suits tend to stand out on their own, that's dangerous enough. But to arrive at this particular destination is suicidal.
It was generally accepted that the three gaijin residing inside were to be avoided. They caused trouble. They observed trouble. They reflected trouble. They inspired trouble. They taught classes on trouble. They attracted trouble. They ate trouble for breakfast. Sometimes trouble even followed them around inside of a little cardboard box.
Hell, they were trouble.
To make matters worse, an insider with the JSSDF told NERV's security force that the Goons were unofficially declared Enemies of the State a while back. The Japanese don't take kindly to foreign loudmouth slackers calling the shots, and helming their only defense against total annihilation. Anyone with connections to the Defense Force was encouraged to run the Goons over in the street if the opportunity presented itself. Several attempts had been made; and met with success in one case, but keeping the Goons in a holding cell was as difficult as scooping up water with a net, and as dangerous as performing dentistry on a conscious crocodile.
The door to the Goons' apartment finally opens. Even the insane sometimes sleep, and at this hour, John would have been dosing contentedly, had he not been expecting this delivery.
JOHN: (yawning) Morning, fellas.
Briefcase Holder: (presenting the case) Slide your ID card for verification, please.
JOHN: (opening up the security case with his passcard) It's about damn time.
On a velvet cushion within the briefcase is, for all intents, a really nice sports watch. But little subtleties like no visible timer, and of course the hassle of a locked case, armed delivery men, and it this happening at the Ungodly Hour mark this device as something more than a watch.
JOHN: Brand New Mini-MAGI. Took her long enough. (after dismissing the case's escort) I could sleep. Or I could check in on Rit-chan. (a moment's thought) Why radio when I can speak in person though?
It takes a second for John to find and focus on Ritsuko's well-known energy pattern. He then puts two fingers to his forehead to help concentrate and Instantly Transmits his molecules at the speed of light to a location near the "Good" Doctor.

INT.  EVANGELION TEST CAGE CONTROL ROOM - SECONDS LATER
JOHN: Hey, Rit-chan! Got my Mini-MAGI!
It occurs to John that the panicked look mixed with relief she gives him has something to do with the loud banging noises echoing through the walls and the cracks forming in the all-but-indestructible viewing window.
JOHN: Did I come at a bad time?
Screaming, technicians abandon their terminals just before a giant navy blue fist crashes through the wall. The fist continues through the room without slowing down and punches through John to impact the opposite wall and begin to cave that in as well. The rest of the room's population presses themselves against the others walls, trying to avoid Unit-06X's hand as it hooks around the hole and tears open the rest of the back wall like so much Styrofoam.
John's body falls out of the dent and collapses onto knees he should no longer possess. Aside from innumerable scratches and some damage to his clothing he seems remarkably untouched for someone that should be a red smear on the wall. Even his glasses are... no wait, that crack wasn't there before.
It became apparent the lens isn't the only thing cracked when the frames themselves fall off John's face in pieces.
Unit-06X roars again, oblivious to John's shadow as it darkens like a spilt bottle of ink. As the monster reaches back into the room to widen the hole, John rises, gazing at the hand with unrestricted eyes.
JOHN: (in a voice not quite his) That hurt, you spawn of a bitch.
Silently, John's shadow stretches and moves towards the hand, even extending off the floor until it forms a wall of black. When Unit-06X's hand comes in contact with the Shadow Wall, it suddenly withdraws, the Eva howling in pain and anger. The Shadow continues advancing into the Cage, pausing only to cover the entire wall in blackness.
JOHN: No, (apparently in conversation with himself) Save the Eva.
The Black Wall slides across the cage as the Eva claws at the opposite wall in desperation. But the Shadow passes over the Eva in one quick second, and the beast collapses on the spot, unmoving.
There is silence as the Shadow contracts back to the floor and resumes miming John. The Goon, meanwhile, makes himself busy wrapping some gauze from a nearby First Aid kit around his head and eyes. After tying the ends he "glances" over at Ritsuko and the few technicians still pressed against the walls. Then John taps the NERV logo on the face of his Mini-MAGI and smiles in approval as the holographic interface flickers on.
JOHN: (misquoting the Timex tagline) Takes a tossing and still keeps processing.
RITSUKO: (ordering the technician's away with a glare) Genoni...
JOHN: Good morning, Rit-chan. Been busy?
RITSUKO: The Eighth Angel found a way around the sleeper program. Without the Control Core present, it regained control of itself and tried to escape. If you hadn't shown up when you did...
JOHN: You know what I want? Donuts. And some coffee. Join me in the cafeteria?
RITSUKO: I... You... (looking at the ink black shadow in the still fairly lit room) Are you in Kagaijin mode?
JOHN: Not really.
A broken light sparks. Ritsuko points wordlessly at the door, waiting until the technicians obligingly leave (giving John a wide berth) before speaking again.
RITSUKO: Did you stop the last Angel the same way?
JOHN: I might have.
RITSUKO: Then that is the second Angel you've defeated with your shadow.
JOHN: (lazy grin) Two for Thirteen. Not a good record.
RITSUKO: I've seen you in Kagaijin form first hand. And Misato's no dummy. So we've both figured out you did something to the Thirteenth Angel in the two second blackout to make it disappear completely.
JOHN: ("glances" at his shadow) So?
RITSUKO: So, after she figured you had to do with the Angel's defeat she suggested in that oh so direct manner of hers that I should seduce you and have you swallow up the remaining Angels.
JOHN: Did she now? You know what really turns me on? A woman bringing me donuts. (grins) I'll just wait here.
RITSUKO: (ignoring the comment) But something is telling me that there's a reason you've gone about doing things the way you have, why you don't just swallow up any problem that comes along.
JOHN: Well for one thing, it would make for a fairly dull day.
Insanity Productions presents... "John's 'I'm-more-powerful-than-God' Sassing!" Seriously. There it is. We just did it. We'll do it again if we have to. Don't piss us off!
RITSUKO: Fine, don't tell me. But Major Katsuragi will start hammering on your door about this soon. Especially after she finds out you've used your shadow again.
JOHN: At least she'll knock first.
Ritsuko can tell John is looking at her through the blindfold.
RITSUKO: (nodding at the broken frames) You never really needed those glasses did you?
JOHN: I haven't seen things like a normal human for years now. This bit of cloth isn't going to affect my vision any more than those glasses did. But wearing consecrated headgear does have other uses, besides the dramatic lens glare.
RITSUKO: Consecrated. Like the frames were dipped in holy water or blessed by a priest or some other superstitious nonsense?
JOHN: It was a whole song and dance. Andy's devout, believe it or not. Keeps himself pure, has the training, the faith... he does good work. Getting him to concentrate... I'll be fine; I have an extra pair lying around somewhere and some special sunglasses to hold me over.
RITSUKO: I suppose I should formally ask you anyway.
JOHN: Hmm?
RITSUKO: Would you be willing to use your full power against the Angels?
JOHN: You are what you eat, Rit-chan. And right now I want to be a donut. It's the only way I can justify being up at this hour. (waves) Get some sleep, would ya? (leaves)

INT.  GOONS' OFFICE - MID-MORNING
The Goons are all present (well, physically at least) and going about their routines. Andy is folding origami versions of his favorite mecha, Jared is drafting out schematics for the Waffletron 10000, and John is mechanically processing a stack of paperwork with one hand while his attention seems to be focused on his other. His left hand, reflecting in his sunglasses, is partially closed. For the moment, nothing is in it.
JOHN: I'm going to need all the kids later, after that they're all yours.
JARED: What for?
JOHN: Their piloting has improved but they need to be far better.
JARED: Granted.
JOHN: So I'm going to give them a ki power to play with. It'll give them something to work from.
JARED: And just how much did you drink last night to think that was a good idea?
JOHN: I'm going to drill them on safety and responsibility first, of course.
JARED: (to Andy) Feel free to chime in anytime.
ANDY: (dismissive wave) Sure whatever.
JOHN: Are you more worried about Asuka with a Kamehameha Wave, or about the dishonor of a free gift without the full effort?
JARED: You are going against the purpose of really training them. But I'm more curious at how you plan to just 'give' them advanced martial arts techniques.
JOHN: It's just energy in a particular pattern.
JARED: You're going to use your Shadow.
A brief pause affects Andy's work, but he quickly resumes folding. However, it is now apparent he is paying attention to the conversation.
JOHN: Yes, I'm going to use my shadow to implant the energy pattern.
JARED: I thought you were against using that. Ever.
JOHN: Things change.
JARED: And what's with the sunglasses? We're indoors and not... actively acting out a scene.
JOHN: (something glows red in his hand) Sandalphon awoke earlier this morning.
JARED: (sets his pencil down) And?
JOHN: Unit-06X punched through the wall and broke my glasses.
ANDY: (sets the nearly complete paper Gunbuster down) ...
JARED: You used your shadow on the Angel, didn't you?
JOHN: I'll need a new pair of glasses.
JARED: You used your shadow on the last Angel as well.
JOHN: I did.
ANDY: Why?
JOHN: You two were off trying to kill each other; someone had to save the day.
JARED: (not a question) You swallowed two Angels.
The glow fades and John opens his hand. In it is a small bright red orb the size of a marble.
JOHN: I swallowed two Angels. (opens up his desk drawer and pulls out a flashlight) They taste terrible. I really don't want to have to do it again. (tries the flashlight out but the batteries have gone bad) So, I want to put the Children in a position where I don't have to save their butts all the time. (pulls a length of copper wire from the desk drawer and wraps it around the bright red marble) And I'm not going to train the Children after this. You can split them between you or whatever. (dismantles the flashlight and sets the bulb aside)
ANDY: You're dumping the kids on us?
JOHN: (wraps one end of the wire around the bulb's base) As you like to point out frequently, I have no real martial skill. I've fixed their brains, Asuka knows restraint, Shinji has a spine, Rei is steadily improving as a human being, Toji and Kensuke are alright. I'm at the end of my expertise. Skill and tactics are your two fields.
John touches the other end of the wire to the base of the bulb. Slowly the bulb begins to glow brighter and brighter.
JARED: So... you can make S2 organs now?
JOHN: I guess.
JARED: Can I have one?
JOHN: No.
ANDY: Can I have one?
JOHN: No.
ANDY: Why?
JOHN: Because you'll put it in something silly, like a washing machine or a killer robot.
JARED: Or an Aston Martin.
ANDY: (jumping up, pointing at John, yelling) BUUURN!
JOHN: ... Shut up. (unwinds the wire and pockets the tiny S2 core)
JARED: How long have you been able to make them?
JOHN: I dunno, never tried until today.
JARED: Then how did you put one in your ill-fated car?
JOHN: I had it stolen fair and square from the Second Branch in Nevada.
ANDY: Oh.
JOHN: I'll page the kids later after school. (gets up) See ya around.
After John leaves.
JARED: What do you think?
ANDY: I don't think the Shadow has him, not yet anyway. And I don't trust the patch job we did before the Angel attack either. I think he might fully break down soon, and if his shadow takes control then...
JARED: We'll just have to keep an eye out. We dunk his lenses again?
ANDY: Yep. I'll get the bible.
MYSTERIOUS! Not really.

INT.  NERV - GENERIC HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
Ritsuko is walking, absorbed in operating her Mini-MAGI. On the screen is a clean-cut and composed man with an upper-class British accent.
BRITISH MAN: I can assure you, Dr. Akagi, my agents are the best in their fields. There's no need to worry.
RITSUKO: That you still refer to them as "your agents" is what worries me, Jester.
JESTER: Ritsuko, please, you're being paranoid. Not that I can blame you, I've gotten reports of some pretty dangerous stuff happening over there, Angels aside.
RITSUKO: I need some kind of guarantee, Jester.
JESTER: Well, if you're in this kind of state there's nothing I could say to calm your fears. Sir has no ties with the SEELE Council, if anything, we're more concerned with sending two of our most gifted data recovery agents into the lion's den that is NERV. The fact that they are replacing dead and retired members of your personal cabinet is raising all kinds of red flags.
RITSUKO: They are replacing what remained of my Mother's escort, who got careless in their old age. If your agents are as good as you say, then there's nothing to fear now, is there?
JESTER: I suppose not. Now, about your three Americans...
RITSUKO: We'll talk about that later, I have to be going now.
JESTER: Of course, I'll send you what we've gathered so you can peruse at your leisure. A pleasure as always, Dr. Akagi.
RITSUKO: Thank you, Jester. Until next time.
The holograph fades away and Ritsuko stops outside Misato's office.
RITSUKO: (counting down to herself) Roku... San... Nichi... Ichi...
The door slides open.
MISATO: DAMMIT! Where is-- (almost stumbles at the sight of Ritsuko) Rit--Dr. Akagi! I just saw the security footage from this morning! Why wasn't I notified that Unit-06X activated itself?
RITSUKO: (matter-of-factly) If you saw the footage you would know that the entire incident lasted thirty-two-point-three-four seconds. There was time to hit a general alarm. That was it.
MISATO: And what about John, where is he?
RITSUKO: Since when did I become his keeper?
MISATO: Stow that line of crap! If he can do that to any Angel he comes across, why doesn't he?
RITSUKO: (quoting) Because that would make for a fairly dull day.
Misato glares daggers at her friend. Ritsuko shrugs helplessly.
RITSUKO: I'm conducting research into Pilot Genoni and the other two right now. I'll brief you when I have something more meaningful to share.
MISATO: I want to know what you know, (firmly) right now.
RITSUKO: Major, I have seventy-three projects I'm overseeing as we speak, including the Evas, the MAGI, research into the Goons, and a solution to keep Jared and Andy from leveling the city again. If you want to pick John's brain, be my guest, but I'm not going to dig without a canary.
MISATO: I'm going to be there when you do.
RITSUKO: Of course, you are the Tactical Commander after all.
MISATO: (slowing coming out of Major mode) Are you patronizing me?
RITSUKO: Of course not, I just think that if the three thought using John's ability was acceptable, they would have used it a long time ago.
MISATO: So... Have you slept with him again?
RITSUKO: I think we're done here.
MISATO: Come on, just smile, give him a little, leave him wanting more and string him along until he's willing to do whatever you want.
RITSUKO: (ignoring Misato) I'll contact you when I have something to report.

INT.  NERV - PILOT BRIEFING ROOM - MID-DAY
KENSUKE: I wonder what's so important that we all had to be here?
SHINJI: Well, John said we had a "final" lesson.
TOJI: That's what's got me wondering. You don't suppose he's going to make us fight to the death or something, do ya?
JOHN: (sliding in from the shadows) The thought had crossed my mind.
Most of the Children in the room jump at his entrance.
REI: oniisan.
JOHN: I said 'Final', because I've reached the limit of what I can do for you guys.
ASUKA: That's stupid, we still only have a basic grasp of ki techniques and none of us can perform anything outside of our Evas.
JOHN: Jared and Andy are more qualified for the combat usage of ki techniques, as they so fantastically demonstrated during their last battle. If you need some refinement, then I'll step back in, but the rest of your training will be handled by those two.
SHINJI: So... what's this meeting about?
JOHN: Something of a farewell gift, from teacher to student. It takes years of hard training and dedication to be able to pull off a ki technique. We don't have that kind of time. So, I am going to implant the energy signature of one technique of your choice.
KENSUKE: COOL!
JOHN: SHUT UP! (stern) I am practically handing you a loaded gun. Every ounce of common sense I posses tells me I shouldn't, but I feel it's necessary for you to make major improvement before the next Angel attacks. If I find out any of you have been acting like those morons, I will respond. (drops a crowbar on the table) Now, anything I need to clarify?
ASUKA: One ki technique, we get to chose.
JOHN: Correct.
SHINJI: Will it hurt? This “implanting?”
JOHN: Like Hell. Major headache, nausea, dizziness, increased heart rate, and possibly even some side-effects.
ASUKA: So, for example, I could pick the Kamehameha Wave.
JOHN: If you wanted.
ASUKA: What about the Destructo Disc?
JOHN: ... I'd prefer to give you a "blunt" technique.
ASUKA: Does it have to be from Dragonball? Couldn't you implant the Shoryuken or the Hadoken? Misato knows those ones.
JOHN: Then ask her pretty please to teach you those. Or find an Ansatsuken dojo, rip your sleeves off, and spend a few years there. This is coming from my own skill set, and while I have a vast repertoire to call from, I don't know everything. Dragonball is the simplest for me to teach you.
ASUKA: What about Ranma 1/2?
JOHN: You want a Moko Takabisha?
ASUKA: I was thinking more along the lines of a Hiryu Shoten Haa.
JOHN: Too much set up and it requires an advanced understanding of ki to pull off. It's not a practical technique.
KENSUKE: What about a Kijin Raishu Dan?
TOJI: ( o.O ) A what?
JOHN: It's a vacuum blade technique. I want to repeat what I said about "blunt" attacks. Ranma 1/2 moves might not require much power to pull off, but they all require an advanced understanding of ki and far more conditioning than you've had. I'm implanting a model to help you understand how the moves work, your first successful technique outside an Eva might still be weeks if not months away after this, but that's a matter of days compared to a matter of years. And even then I doubt you'd be able to Kamehameha a door open, never mind whatever dreams of power might be running through your heads right now.
The Evangelion pilots desperately try to look like they weren't lost in day-dreams of wielding overwhelming power.
SHINJI: (eyes the crowbar) Would it have to be an offensive move, or could it be something else?
JOHN: Whatever you pick. I'm going to give you an hour or so to make your decision. And when you do, think about why you chose that technique, what you plan to do with it. Be prepared to defend your choice. This is a personal decision, so while you may want to discuss it with each other, you will be telling me alone your final choice.
KENSUKE: But I know what I want now!
JOHN: And I need an hour to gather the energy to pull this off. So I'm off to lunch.
TOJI: Lunch sounds kind of good right now.
JOHN: There's a restroom over there. (gestures to a door) For security reasons, you shouldn't wander off and for practical reasons, you'll just puke after you get the technique. I'll see you in an hour.
He leaves.
SHINJI: ...
ASUKA: ...
REI: ...
TOJI: ...
KENSUKE: Kamehameha, all the way.
ASUKA: Why not the Final Flash?
KENSUKE: Because, the Kamehameha can be shot off with both hands, with one hand, guided, left remote, it's got far more versatility!
ASUKA: And just what are you planning to Kamehameha, Kensuke? Traffic? Bullies?
KENSUKE: I came to the training late, you may be all cool with blasting Angels with your Eva, but if this increases my attack power in combat, then I'm all for it!
SHINJI: I don't think I'd get much work out of a Kamehameha. And if John says not to abuse whatever we pick... (nodded at the crowbar still laying on the table) I think I'd rather just pick an inoffensive technique. It's not like we won't learn anything else later on.
TOJI: Yeah, he said this was just to get our foot in the door.
KENSUKE: Well, I'm confident with my decision. So what are you guys picking?
TOJI: As if I even know what you guys are talking about.
ASUKA: Didn't they make you watch Dragonball Z?
TOJI: I didn't pay attention; it's over twenty years old anyway.
ASUKA: Well, those morons seem to think it's their bible. And given that the moves from there actually seem to work, I'm forced to give them the benefit of the doubt.
TOJI: So, what should I pick? I don't know any of this stuff.
ASUKA: Then maybe you should pick the Kaioken?
TOJI: And what's that do?
KENSUKE: It's a power-up. Increased strength, speed, and overall power at the cost of stamina.
TOJI: Like an adrenaline rush?
KENSUKE: Something like that, but it's a geometric boost.
TOJI: You're talking math now and that just hurts my head.
ASUKA: (scoff) It makes you stronger, but you get tired faster.
TOJI: Hmmm. Okay I guess that sounds fine. What about you Shinji?
SHINJI: I don't really know; this is kind of sudden. I want to think about it some more.
ASUKA: Well I bet Rei is going to pick the Tri-Form. Can you imagine three Wondergirls running around?
REI: (you-have-no-idea look directed at Asuka) ...
KENSUKE: You just blew my mind.
REI: are you making assumptions of others because you do not know what to choose for yourself?
ASUKA: ... Of course not, I knew exactly what to pick when he first mentioned this.
REI: you lack precision. the freeza beam, special beam cannon, or an energy lance of some sort would be the best choice for training purposes.
ASUKA: What?! I'm the most graceful and precise pilot out of all of us!
TOJI: Well, actually...
ASUKA: Shut up, no one asked you!
REI: your tactics are blunt and direct. your overconfidence is your weakness.
ASUKA: Your faith in that Worm is yours.
SHINJI: Stop fighting, both of you.
ASUKA: Hmmph.

INT.  NERV - MACHINE SHOP - SAME TIME
Hunched over a massive work table, Jared is soldering on something unidentifiable. In the background, other technicians and engineers are putting together components and going about their business. The plans for the Waffletron 10000 lay near the Goon underneath a number of partially-assembled parts.
Andy drops down from an overhead ventilation duct and lands clumsily in front of Jared's desk.
ANDY: Hey, Techno-serf. Make me a pony. (hands Jared a roll of blueprints)
JARED: A pony? How do you expect me to make you a pony? (unrolls the schematics)
Even to the untrained eye, what lies on the pages has nothing to do with equine interests.
JARED: This will not make a pony. In fact, this will make a full set of Predator equipment.
ANDY: I don't want a Predator, I want a pony. See? On the top of the page, "MY PONY".
JARED: (looking over the schematics) What the hell do you want with a pony?
ANDY: Pony? Who the hell wants a pony? Hey, what do you have there? (looks at the schematics) Cool, Predator gear! You should make this stuff.
JARED: I thought you wanted me to make you a pony.
ANDY: How the hell are you going to make a pony?
JARED: I don't know. You came here asking me for a pony and hand me these schematics! Where did you get these anyway?
ANDY: I made them.
JARED: How?
ANDY: (sarcastic) I held a pen in my hand and applied it with pressure to several sheets of paper. Idiot.
JARED: (clarifying) Where did you learn these designs?
ANDY: At their home world, never could pronounce it right. You need an extra set of mandibles to properly enunciate it.
JARED: When did you go to the Predator home world?!
ANDY: Who went where? Hey, could you get started on that pony soon?
JARED: Forget the damn pony! We need to focus on these!
ANDY: (looks at the schematics) Cool, Predator gear. This reminds of the time I was trained by them on their home world after I snuck aboard their ship. Bizarre language, mostly guttural growls and mandible clicking. You can try to adapt by using castanets, but snapping your fingers is like flipping the bird over there.
JARED: So what happened?
ANDY: Apparently they frown on hunting the Chieftain's mount and doing a victory dance with its entrails. Well, as much frowning one can manage without any lips.
JARED: Prudes.
ANDY: I know! So I was stripped of my ceremonial gear and banished back to Earth.
JARED: They didn't just kill you?
ANDY: I... went through a lot of arm-bands.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - ALIEN PLANET NEAR LARGE BUILDING ENTRANCE - DAY
ANDY: How the hell do you get the time on this friggin' thing?
The computer starts beeping, increasing its pace.
Boom. Whee.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - ALIEN HALL OF WEAPONS - NIGHT
ANDY: Who the hell doesn't label these buttons? I don't even know what I'm pushing.
The computer starts beeping, increasing its pace.
Boom. Whee.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - PLANETARY DOCKYARD UNDER AN ALIEN CRAFT - MORNING
ANDY: You really need claws or a stylus of some kind. Some of these buttons are kind of small for my fingers.
The computer starts beeping, increasing its pace.
Boom. Whee.

INT.  NERV MACHINE SHOP - PRESENT TIME
JARED: Yeah... I'm not going to give you a fusion bomb for this thing then.
ANDY: Fusion bomb? I wanted a pony! (notices the plans) Cool, Predator gear.
JARED: You're worse than my old boss! (pointing at the door) OUT! OUT!

INT.  NERV - PILOT BRIEFING ROOM - SAME TIME
John enters with a soda can in hand. Guess what kind, just guess. There is an uncomfortable silence in the room.
JOHN: Get into an argument?
He doesn't get a response.
JOHN: So, who's ready for the worst headache imaginable? (pause) Actually that's a trick question. No preparation could possibly ready you for this. So I ask instead, who shall be first?
ASUKA: Why don't you do your favorite first?
JOHN: (doesn't glance at Rei) If anything, it'd be because of that I wouldn't do, I assume you mean Rei, first. This is not going to be pleasant.
KENSUKE: I'll go first, I am not afraid.
JOHN: (sinister grin) You should be. If everyone would kindly wait outside, we'll get this over with and you can go home and wallow in your pain for the rest of the night.
The other pilots reluctantly leave.
JOHN: So, what's it going to be?
KENSUKE: Kamehameha!
JOHN: Any reason why?
KENSUKE: It's the best!
JOHN: You are a sad strange little boy... (shrugs) Alright, think of a yellow ping-pong ball.
KENSUKE: Wha--
John quickly reaches out and grabs Kensuke's head with a glowing hand. Kensuke doesn't scream, but his body goes rigid and his eyes roll back. When John lets go but a few seconds later, Kensuke collapses, his hair on end.
John sighs, sips his drink and picks up the adolescent. With his free hand he puts two fingers to his forehead and vanishes for a few seconds. When he returns, Kensuke is absent.

INT.  NERV - HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF PILOT BRIEFING ROOM - SAME TIME
JOHN: (leaning out the door) Alright, who's next?
TOJI: Where's Kensuke?
JOHN: I took him home; you'll all be spending the rest of the day in bed resting up.
ASUKA: I was going shopping with Hikari later!
JOHN: I'll cancel it for you. She's an understanding young woman.
TOJI: I guess I'll go next then.
JOHN: Super, come on in. The rest of you, relax, try to calm yourselves. I think there's a bathroom down the hall. Not exactly sure. (ducks back in)
The three original pilots stand in the hall blinking, well Rei doesn't, but after a moment she nods to herself.
REI: excuse me.
ASUKA: Where are you going, Wondergirl?
REI: oniisan is suggesting we use the restroom for a reason, sohryu.
SHINJI: (blinks, then blushes) Oh. I think I'll go too.

INT.  PILOT BRIEFING ROOM - SAME TIME
JOHN: So, did you get the hint about the bathroom?
TOJI: What hint? I did use the restroom while we waited, but that's it.
JOHN: Ah, good. Kensuke didn't it seems. So, what's it gonna be?
TOJI: They said it was called the... Ka...
JOHN: Kamehameha?
TOJI: No, it was different. K-O-ken?
JOHN: The Kaioken?
TOJI: Ya, some kind of power booster.
JOHN: Why do you want that one?
TOJI: I dunno, everyone else thought it'd be good for me. I can throw a wicked fastball, but I don't see myself throwing fireballs around in a fight.
JOHN: I suppose. The Kaioken comes with a disclaimer though. I don't know the true technique.
TOJI: What do you mean?
JOHN: The True Kaioken is a geometric boost, times 2, times 4, times 8, times 16, and so forth. The Kaioken my friends and I know is a linear boost, times 2, time 3, times 4.
TOJI: You're talking about math, and that makes my head hurt.
JOHN: Bottom line, I can't teach you the True Kaioken. Are you satisfied with what I can manage though?
TOJI: Yeah, I guess. As long as it makes me stronger.
JOHN: And do you understand that you get tired faster by using it?
TOJI: Yes.
JOHN: Ok, then think of a speed bump.
TOJI: A wha--
John grabs Toji's head and the process is repeated. John then picks up the unconscious pilot and teleports him back to his home.

INT.  HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF PILOT BRIEFING ROOM - SAME TIME
JOHN: (leans out into the hallway) Ok, who's... still in the bathroom. (shrugs)

INT.  GOONS' OFFICE - ONE HOUR LATER
John is laying on the office couch staring up at the ceiling fan. At some point, he has replaced his glasses, and his shadow is an acceptable translucent gray. A visitor enters without knocking and sits primly on the edge of the cushion.
JOHN: Doctor.
RITSUKO: Genoni.
JOHN: ...
RITSUKO: What are you doing?
JOHN: Reason stands like a granite sanctuary, an island in a sea of chaos. Yet those very seas have swallowed me and I am smashed up against that island repeatedly.
RITSUKO: (grins) Do tell.
JOHN: This office, on the NERV map, in the blueprints, anywhere else you look; this office is a broom closet, like the closet across the hall. There shouldn't be room for human occupancy here and yet, we have three desks, room to move around, and ceilings high enough for a fan. Somehow, this broom closet has the dimensions of a small conference room. This couch is larger than the door. And there's more.
A ceiling tile falls and hits John's head.
RITSUKO: Such as the shoddy tile work?
JOHN: (rubbing his head) The quality of the office isn't my problem. (sighs) So you're here, why?
RITSUKO: I have an errand to run, and since it's your fault, you're going to be doing the running.
JOHN: How do you figure?
RITSUKO: You killed my riddle master, got my wizard in trouble with Misato and he retired, and no one has seen the Old Master since you gave him my bra. I need to replace those Henchmen. So you're going to the airport to pick one up.
JOHN: They can't land at NERV's field?
RITSUKO: I thought it best to have them come in separately. You will be picking up one from Tokyo-3 International.
JOHN: Fine, when does your new bodyguard land?
RITSUKO: Sixteen-hundred hours. That's four p.m. I'm a little surprised; I was expecting more resistance.
JOHN: I'm tired. Getting out of NERV will be good for me I think.
RITSUKO: The pilot vital signs have been abnormal, and now they're unconscious. What happened?
JOHN: I removed a portion of their energy in such a way to encourage recovery of that energy in a particular pattern. It's like plowing an irrigation canal.
RITSUKO: You couldn't just add the energy pattern to them?
JOHN: I have a hard time adding energy to things. I think its part of having this all-consuming Shadow.
RITSUKO: So you gave the pilots ki techniques. (frowns)
JOHN: There isn't a Force Sensitive among them, if that's your opinion.
RITSUKO: I dislike martial artists as a general rule, but giving a bunch of kids fireballs is irresponsible.
JOHN: They'll behave. And Kensuke was the only one who wanted a Kamehameha.
RITSUKO: One last thing then.
JOHN: Yes?
RITSUKO: Misato has been looking for you. If you still want to avoid having your shadow drafted, then you might want to leave now.
JOHN: (sits up) Thanks, Rit-chan.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - ONE OF MANY PARKS - SAME TIME
Chibi-Andy sits adorably on a park bench reading a book at large as he bound in peach fuzz. On the ground next to him is a priest's collar and robes. To the casual passerby, the crayon writing in the oddly-colored book is illegible as it is adorable. But with the properly giant deformed eyes, the warped words come into focus. The Necronomicute is as cursed as it is cute. While a book bound in human flesh tends to stand out and will more than likely make it into a bonfire by those who fear the dark arts. The Necronomicute survived such encounters on cute factor alone. From its cursed beginnings it has guided chaos and cuteness alike in the hands of diminutive warlocks and rebelling pre-schoolers. It came into Chibi-Andy's hands month's ago when he was mistaken for a god among chibi and left his cult to their fates.
CHIBI-ANDY: Hmm, summons... (starts flipping pages) Cute. Cute. Adorable. Cute. Cute. Adorable. Adorable. Kawaii. Kawaii. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Chibi-Andy adorably throws the book away from himself and pants cutely trying to regain his composure. After a few minutes, he's settled down enough to approach the plush book. He opens the book back up to the page and shudders for a second before moving onto the next page. Chibi-Andy refrains from screaming but quickly closes the book, gathering that the next creature would be even worse.
CHIBI-ANDY: Ok, they could have led up to the nasty stuff, sort of prepare you for the shock. How evil.
Enter cute little girl.
CUTE LITTLE GIRL: Hey, kid.
CHIBI-ANDY: Ah! A cute little girl!
CLG: So where's the pony you promised me?
CHIBI-ANDY: What are you going to do with a pony anyway? You live in the city; there are ordinances about keeping horses. It wouldn't work.
CLG: That was my problem, did you get the pony or not?
CHIBI-ANDY: Of course not, where was I going to get a pony?
CLG: Well, in that case I'm not so sorry about pawning your sword then.
CHIBI-ANDY: You little bitch! Where did you pawn it?
CLG: If you had gotten me that pony I wouldn't have done it.
CHIBI-ANDY: That's bullshit! You pawned it the moment you found it.
CLG: Maybe, but the fact remains. You're out a stupid sword and I'm without a pony. I'd say that's fair.
CHIBI-ANDY: You little thief, you stole the sword to begin with! I oughtta... I'm gonna...
CLG: You're gonna what? You already failed to throw a fireball or whatever you were trying to do last time. I have half a mind to take that stupid book from you to teach you a lesson.
CHIBI-ANDY: My book? (glances at the Necronomicute, grins evilly) My book. You mean... (fingers to a page, then opens it suddenly at the Cute Little Girl) THIS BOOK!
The Cute Little Girl starts shrieking in absolute terror at the horrors illustrated and doesn't seem like she's going to stop any time soon. Chibi-Andy quickly tucks the book away and scampers off.

INT.  NERV GROUND LOBBY - TEN MINUTES LATER
NERV designed its lobbies with the most aesthetic and comforting shapes and images in mind, as such structures are often the only buffer between NERV Central and the angry mobs of Tokyo-3. Promotional videos run in a loop on several monitors, the walls are plastered with propa—er, inspiring posters, and calming music is played by the NERV Symphony Orchestra on off days. As a final measure, a minute calming agent is introduced through the ventilation.
Though Andy doesn't pay attention to the meaning of his surroundings, he feels their effects, as evidence from him calming down enough to leave his excited Super-Chibijin form and return to something more human looking. Standing in front of the elevators, he watches the light lazily blink its way to ground level. He finds himself humming along to the Symphony's "Habanara" from the Opera "Carmen".
The doors open revealing John, apparently finishing up a speech.
JOHN: --tion of the World! (blink) Andy?
Andy doesn't hear him as he is now fully vocalizing the rest of the aria beautifully. John stays to listen for a moment before the doors nearly close on him. He steps out of the elevator and gently guides his roommate into the elevator and keys in the floor of the Goon's office.
JOHN: (stepping back as the doors close) Who knew? (shrugs)
John procures a sheet of paper and a pen from the front desk before stepping outside towards a waiting NERV security van.

INT.  GOONS' OFFICE - MINUTES LATER
Several minutes later, Andy enters the office, replaces the missing ceiling tile, and sets the Necronomicute in a secure drawer. Then puts two fingers to his forehead and vanishes, reappearing back in the workshop where Jared sits hunched over an armband of some kind. Near him is a completed Waffletron 10000, a Predator-style hunting mask, an extending spear, and a razor-disk. Smoke is coming from Jared's hair.
ANDY: Techno-serf, I have a question.
JARED: (sighs) What is it now? You want an elephant? What's that really mean? Some kind of exoskeleton? Something in hazard yellow with hydraulics all over it?
ANDY: What in blazes are you babbling about? Speaking of which, I think you've set your hair on fire again. A soldering pencil is not like a real pencil.
JARED: (dismissive wave) Stop wasting my time.
ANDY: I need a new sword.
JARED: You had an old one?
ANDY: I had a Scottish Claymore, but... I lost it. So I want to make a new one since all the shops only carry decorative replicas.
JARED: (obviously lying; can he lie convincingly to save his life?) I don't know how to make a sword. Go away.
ANDY: I've seen enough History Channel to know how to smith. But I'm hesitant.
JARED: Don't care.
ANDY: Hang on, I haven't even asked my question.
JARED: (impatient) Waiting...
ANDY: What's the best sword?
JARED: (pauses) Depends.
ANDY: Wrong answer.
JARED: A sword is a tool. What is your task?
ANDY: (Scottish accent) To kill the enemy.
JARED: And this enemy is...
ANDY: Uh... Can't a katana cut through bullets?
JARED: What are you going to do with a katana Andy? The whole reason you picked up that claymore in the shop was because it was the largest blade they had. Your style supports the frantic hacking and slashing of a berserker, not the elegant cuts of a trained samurai.
ANDY: Whatever. What's the best Japanese sword?
JARED: De--
ANDY: God help you if you say "depends."
Jared stops his soldering looking for all intents to take Andy's threat as a challenge. Then he sighs and tucks the soldering pencil over his ear. (Editor's Note: You deserve what's coming to you if you try this at home.) His blond hair increases its smoke output.
JARED: Katanas blend the right size, weight, and utility for almost every situation. The Wakizashi are more defensive and not your style. And the Nodachi, while an almost purely offensive blade, is too large for an urban environment to function at full potential.
ANDY: Ok, I want a Katana. Who makes the best?
JARED: ... Technically, no one.
ANDY: Explain.
Jared's hair sparks and flares. Andy casually unplugs the tool and waits for Jared to notice. Then he grabs a Snicker's candy bar.
JARED: I'd expect you to find only decorative blades; ceremonial at best. After the restoration, swords were banned except for mass-produced, government-authorized blades. The entire profession moved to making extremely high-quality knives.
ANDY: So I need a kitchen knife?
JARED: Well... Sushi knives are the best of the best. If the technique for making such blades is to be found anywhere, it's in the hands of an expert crafter of sushi knives.
ANDY: So I need to find a chef?
JARED: A master knife-maker would do.
ANDY: That sounds hard. Think John could make me one?
JARED: Make sword out of a knife? Are you considering using John as some kind of Shadow Forge? Not only are the odds of ending up with a cursed blade extremely high, but John would need to absorb a sword first in order to reproduce it!
ANDY: So...
JARED: If you had a sword to sacrifice to begin with, you wouldn't need John!
ANDY: Damn it, man! If you're not going to help me, at least make sense!
JARED: Genoni can't help you.
ANDY: But you can...

INT.  TOKYO-3 INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - SAME TIME
JOHN: (holding a sign labeled "HENCHMAN") My ears are itching. Goon sense... normal. I'll have to ask them what their scheme is this time.
Four large guards move into position surrounding the Goon.
GUARD 1: Sir, may we please see your identification?
JOHN: (hand gesture) You don't need to see my identification.
AUTHOR: Yeah, I did it. I'm not proud, but I did it.
GUARD 2: Sir, we're trained to deal with Jedi. Your mind tricks won't work on us.
JOHN: (sighs) You're no fun. (a sleight-of-hand twist and John's NERV ID is in his hand) Here ya go.
GUARD 3: (not even looking at the card) Would you please come with us, Sir?
JOHN: I can't, I'm waiting for someone.
GUARD 1: We'll leave a message at the information booth. Would you please come with us now, Sir?
JOHN: What's this about, fellas?
GUARD 2: Sir, you match the description of a suspect. If you'd please come with us we can clear this whole misunderstanding up.
JOHN: Describe the suspect.
GUARD 3: He escaped from a holding cell several weeks ago, here is a security image taken during the escape. (activates a hologram)
There's John, torn clothes, bloodthirsty gleam in his lenses with the lightsaber of a fallen JSSDF padawan.
JOHN: (carefully folds the sign and sets it in his back pocket) That's quite the misunderstanding. (sighs again) I bet quiet number Four behind me is gonna jab a tazer to the back of my skull now, huh?
GUARD 1: Something like that, yes. (nods to Guard 4)
JOHN: What if I choose to come quietly?
BZZZZZZZZZRRT!

INT.  MISATO'S OFFICE - A MOMENT LATER
RITSUKO: (entering without knocking) Major.
MISATO: I can't find the Goons anywhere.
RITSUKO: (absently) Just follow the sounds of exploding cars, buildings, or minds, depending on which one you want to talk to.
MISATO: Ritsuko! I'm being serious here!
RITSUKO: (sighs) Genoni is out running an errand for me. The other two are wandering the halls as usual.
MISATO: It'd be more usual for Andy to be in the ventilation ducts and Jared to be hanging out near the nurses' station. That they are together is suspicious.
RITSUKO: Anytime those two are together without Genoni nearby, there's a disaster in the works. Mucha is always coming up with some plan to "strengthen" himself. Waddell can't stop fiddling with things. If Genoni isn't there to direct their energy, it's like a rocket without a third fin.
MISATO: Well, you're the one that sent that third fin away. He actually did what you asked?
RITSUKO: He didn't even sass back all that much.
MISATO: I'm surprised he didn't delegate.
RITSUKO: He might not know.
MISATO: Wow. So are you going to tell him?
RITSUKO: I'm not planning to. Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki has things under control for now. Though our budget is basically gone.
MISATO: Rebuilding a city almost from scratch is ridiculous to ask of anyone. On the other hand, the thousands of jobs created for the task have virtually eliminated the unemployment problem in the rest of Japan at least for the moment.
RITSUKO: I've half a mind to put the Goons to work solving the budget problem, but that'd be redundant.
MISATO: When did we stop calling them "the Americans"?
RITSUKO: About the same time it became an insult to that country to do so.
MISATO: (chuckles lightly) So, Doctor, you came here for a reason, right?
RITSUKO: A while ago I had some contacts of mine do a little digging on our three disasters. I got back their data today and compared it to what I've gathered on my own, and what little we've gathered from interviews with them.

INT.  FLASHBACK - SPARTAN INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
ANDY: (leaps onto the table, ripping his shirt in half) ANDYMANIA!

INT.  MISATO'S OFFICE - PRESENT TIME
MISATO: Anything interesting?
RITSUKO: Do you believe in ghosts?
MISATO: Uh oh.
RITSUKO: (sets a few folders on the Major's desk) John Genoni, 1980 - 1999, died in a car wreck on his way home from college, November 24. Jared Waddell, 1980 - 1998, shot in a drive-by while attending a local college, died in the ambulance, December 15. Andrew Mucha, 1979 - unknown, declared Missing May 27, 1999. Declared Missing Presumed Dead, June 14 1999.
MISATO: (looks through the folders) Impostors?
RITSUKO: It gets better. Based on infirmary data collected when we first found them during the battle with the Seventh Angel, both Genoni and Waddell match the autopsy data of the deceased. Hair color, scars, tooth decay, blood type, birthmarks, genetic imprint, all is exactly the same.
MISATO: So... Who do we have?
RITSUKO: All physical evidence says that we have John Genoni, Jared Waddell, and Andy Mucha. Aside from three graves in America, there is no physical reason not to believe they are who they say they are. Of course, we'll have to question them.
MISATO: Bring a scarf.
RITSUKO: ...
MISATO: ( ^_^ ) For the snow.
RITSUKO: Yes, I get it. I want to compile some tests first and see if I can't run one more on them so we can be totally sure of what and who we're dealing with.
MISATO: Fine. I want to be kept in the loop on this. This affects Tactical Operations more than it does Science Division, Doctor.
RITSUKO: Of course, Major.
Both are silent for a moment, but it is the type of silence that only emphasizes an additional something that needs to be said.
MISATO: ... I still want to trust them.
RITSUKO: Me too.

INT.  SOMEWHERE IN THE ENDLESS HALLWAYS OF NERV - MOMENTS LATER
Wandering aimlessly, Jared and Andy are surprisingly still on the same topic we left them at. Jared's hair is wet.
ANDY: I think I know where we can get a real sword, an ancient sword, to attack John with.
JARED: Who?
ANDY: (grabbing Jared by the collar) Don't start that game with me, Waddell! For years you have mocked my intelligence, my superior fighting ability, my... my superior fighting ability, and--what?
Jared, unable to breathe, is slowly waving a tiny improvised white flag. Andy looks at the flag for a moment while rusty gears slowly creak into motion. Just before the one brain cell responsible for 'higher functions' quits, he releases the smaller goon.
JARED: (lays on the floor gasping for a few minutes) I was... asking who has the... sword.
ANDY: Why would you ask that?
JARED: Because, if someone wasn't guarding it, you would have stolen it by now.
ANDY: Interesting logic. (looks closely at Jared as the Goon stands) Hey, it looks like someone choked you.
JARED: < -_- > ... Who. Has. The. Sword.
ANDY: Psycho Sensei.
JARED: I'm sorry did you say Certain Death?
ANDY: (blink) No I said Psycho Sensei. What an odd mistake to make.
JARED: (rolls his eyes) Isn't it though?
ANDY: So we need to get the Psycho Sensei to attack John, John absorbs the blade, and then we get John to mass produce ancient blades.
JARED: Why would he do that for us?
ANDY: So I can run him through! You said it yourself, no modern weapon compares with an ancient katana!
JARED: I was talking swords.
ANDY: I bet your Girijin form would like a new blade.
JARED: My what?
ANDY: Well, I suppose that reverse blade might serve some purpose... Maybe we could have John make an ancient reverse-bladed katana!
JARED: What in blazes are you babbling about now, Mucha?
ANDY: Dude... That's my line.
JARED: Sorry. You're convinced Psycho Sensei knows the ancient lost sword smithing techniques of 15th century Japan. Or is at least actively carrying such a blade.
ANDY: You've seen his sword. And I'm certain he supplied that Ninja Master guy with his blades.
JARED: Maybe they are family and clan heirlooms.
ANDY: Stop trying to be the Voice of Reason, I say he knows the ancient secrets of sword making and I'm going to roll with that.
JARED: (thinking) And the trap is closed. Time to have some fun. (out loud) Ok, suppose he does know the technique. He hates you, you always challenge him, how would you get him to reveal the secret?
ANDY: I will CHALLENGE him for the knowledge!
JARED: ...
ANDY: What?
JARED: Have you tried just asking him about it?
ANDY: Yes.
JARED: Three times?
ANDY: Yes.
JARED: Politely?
ANDY: I didn't attack him if that's what you mean.
JARED: (sigh) This needs ice cream.
ANDY: Indeed. The conversation won't get any smarter, but least we'll have ice-cream.

EXT.  HIROSHI-OJIISAN NO LICKS - PATIO SEATING - SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
Jared and Andy sit at a corner table. Due to its generous NERV and student discount, it was common to recognize faces or in some cases, profiles at the 'small' ice-cream shop. Bob was there, along with the Psycho Sensei, having a nice chat with Uncle Hiroshi. Though the din of the busy ice cream parlor drowned out the samurai and the store owner, Bob's lowest volume could still be heard down the block.
JARED: Something is on their mind, but they can't talk in a public setting like this about it and going to a more private area might be too suspicious.
A waitress comes up to the pair.
ANDY: Hmm, well we need to get the Psycho Sensei--Chocolate Peanut Butter--alone to get him to tell us the secrets.
JARED: Well, I think that--Double Chocolate Fudge, please--we need to figure out where to get this information—not ask Certain Death himself for it. We need to know if this knowledge still exists in the world.
ANDY: Of course it does. Think about it; he's the Psycho Sensei. If anyone would know ancient Japanese secrets from half a millennium ago it would be him.
JARED: That is quite possibly the most praise I've ever heard you give someone.
The waitress returns with the ice cream.
ANDY: How well have you seen his sword?
JARED: I avoid ticking off master swordsmen enough to warrant them drawing on me.
ANDY: It's a work of art, let me tell you. (lick) Damn this is good ice cream.
JARED: (lick) Yeah. (blink, lick) No way.
ANDY: Hmm? (lick)
JARED: No (lick) fucking (lick) way!
ANDY: What in blazes are you babbling about now, Waddell? (smug look)
JARED: This ice cream. I think the blending techniques used were--
ANDY: (lick) The same techniques the ancient masters used? Of course, Hiroshi is a chef! It all makes sense!
JARED: Who what now? Uncle Hiroshi makes ice-cream! With the secrets of ancient katana making hidden inside!
ANDY: You said that the only thing these techniques were used for anymore was making knives!
JARED: He makes ice-cream! I'm just pointing out--
ANDY: Ice-cream sushi! Hah! Your argument is invalidated!
JARED: < o_0 > How does that even work?
ANDY: (ignoring Jared) I have to talk to him! How do I look?
Andy Poses: Hair standing on end; burnt. Bermuda shorts; loud. Hawaiian shirt; gag-inducing. Manic eyes, mile-wide grin, hands balled into threatening fists.
JARED: < o_0 > Crazy.
ANDY: (sits) But brilliant! Dealing with Uncle Hiroshi will be much less painful than taking on the Psycho Sensei.
PSYCHO SENSEI: Oh really?
ANDY: (not noticing the samurai standing behind him) Yeah, he's got those erasers and those pens, and if you get past his ranged attacks his defenses are solid.
JARED: Andy.
ANDY: I really think it'll be easier to ask Hiroshi.
JARED: Andy!
ANDY: So should we do Good Cop/Bad Cop? Or just intimidate him?
JARED: ANDY!
ANDY: What?
JARED: We're about to die.
ANDY: (finally noticing the Sensei) Oh. (quickly finishes his ice cream, then wails in pain as he struck by a sudden ice-cream headache)
PSYCHO SENSEI: You will not bother Hiroshi-san EVER. Am I clear?
JARED: We just wanted to learn how to make ice cream from him.
ANDY: (mo-men-tum) Yeah, nothing back in America even compares to this goodness. This rivals even the Italian gelatos.
JARED: Really, we mean him no harm.
ANDY: Yeah we aren't trying to unlock ancient smithing techniques we think are hidden in his ice cream.
JARED: Andy.
ANDY: Nor were we plotting to get similar secrets out of you.
JARED: ANDY!
ANDY: What?
PSYCHO SENSEI: Leave here, now.
JARED: We haven't paid yet.
PSYCHO SENSEI: NOW!
The two dust clouds look about to argue, but choose dissipate instead.

INT.  SEA OF JAPAN - 40 NAUTICAL MILES NORTH-NORTHWEST OF OLD HIROSHIMA - SECRET JSSDF BASE ON AN ABANDONED OIL PLATFORM - PRISONER ROOM #4 - UNKNOWN TIME
JOHN: (coming to) Nnng, so I'm on an old oil platform. Thanks.
Don't mention it.
JOHN: Any chance of Narrating my way out of this?
Don't push it; I have plenty of ceiling tiles.
JOHN: Could you maybe keep this thing a secret? It's rather--
John is clamped into a very large, very sturdy, very secure looking device that on first glance seems to function as both Rack and electric chair.
JOHN: Damn it, I didn't want them to-- (a ceiling tile falls on John's head) OUCH!
Told ya. Anyway, Not only has John's Mini-MAGI been removed, but so has most of his clothes and even his glasses.
JOHN: That hurt you sick--my what?
They took your glasses.
JOHN: (voice darkening) Re-he-he-heally?
Now, I hear there might be one or two ladies reading so we owe them some fan-service.
JOHN: No we don't. And don't flatter yourself, no one is reading this drivel.
Down comes another ceiling tile.

INT.  SEA OF JAPAN - 40 NAUTICAL MILES NORTH-NORTHWEST OF OLD HIROSHIMA - SECRET JSSDF BASE ON AN ABANDONED OIL PLATFORM - PRISONER ROOM #4 OBSERVATION ROOM
Two guards are here, monitoring the situation.
GUARD 1: He's awake. Who is he talking to?
GUARD 2: We scanned and searched him four times. He can't be communicating with anyone. This facility is shielded anyway.
GUARD 1: Are we tainting the air in there? His file says he has a bad reaction to most psychotropic chemicals.
GUARD 2: Negative. Inform the interrogator that our guest is ready.
GUARD 1: I've already sent the message. (scoffs) He doesn't look like he wiped out a whole facility.
GUARD 2: They never do. Sure he's got an athletic physique, decently muscled, but he doesn't give the impression of an unstoppable force of Nature.
GUARD 1: Dude, are you checking out the prisoner?
GUARD 2: No. I just feel bound to comment on him for some bizarre reason. How is he looking around the room with his eyes closed though?
GUARD 1: I dunno. How's Keiko by the way?
GUARD 2: She's doing great; the baby is due in two months.
GUARD 1: Fantastic.

INT.  SEA OF JAPAN - 40 NAUTICAL MILES NORTH-NORTHWEST OF OLD HIROSHIMA - SECRET JSSDF BASE ON AN ABANDONED OIL PLATFORM - PRISONER ROOM #4 - SAME TIME
JOHN: (thinking) I think MAIM that I'll KILL stick around MURDER and see SLAUGHTER what kind MASSACRE of information BLOODBATH they are ERADICATE trying to DEVOUR get out HUNGRY of me. (out loud) SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! (panting)
GUARD 2: (intercom) Alright in there?
JOHN: I'm mentally fatigued and trying to contain the demon within my very soul. I'm just peachy.
GUARD 2: (intercom) Very good. We will proceed shortly.
GUARD 1: (intercom) Hey we just asked him a question. Let's call that the interrogation and get right down to the torture!
GUARD 2: (intercom) Works for me.
JOHN: (sarcastic) Such efficiency.
The door to John's chamber slides open. Since the door is slightly behind the device, John can't see who enters just yet.
WOMAN'S VOICE: The subject has been prepared for interrogation?
JOHN: Oh thank God, she's not Eastern European!
GUARD 1: (intercom) The subject has been interrogated already, Ma'am.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Anything useful?
GUARD 2: (intercom) He said he's just peachy.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Well, we'll just have to change that. (steps around the device)
Think Trinity from the Matrix in pink. Bright Hot Pink. From her neon pink hair to her body-hugging bright pink vinyl cat suit even the underarm holster and sidearm held within. All save her black lipstick and long black boots. This girl dressed to a theme that became all too obvious once she introduced herself.
WOMAN: I am Barreta-- (pauses to twirl gracefully, but instead trips on her own feet, she quickly springs back up and continues as if nothing had happened) --Flamingo. (she poses and releases an ear-bleeding evil bitch laugh) O-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!
JOHN: The sad thing is this makes perfect sense to me.
FLAMINGO: Quiet! (slaps John) Ow! (snarls and pistol-whips John)
The gun goes off and its bullet ricochets around the room a few times. Flamingo dodges a few times then, assuming the bullet has run out of energy, stands pretending this was her idea all along. That's when the bullet smacks into her right breast with what little energy it has left, not penetrating the apparently bullet-proof outfit.
FLAMINGO: OW! Damn it! (starts rubbing where the bullet hit) That's going to leave a bruise. (grumbles for a moment before a soft moan escapes her lips) Mmm... (blushes and re-holsters her gun)
JOHN: Why do I get the crazies?
FLAMINGO: Silence scum! We have all the information we want out of you, Agent Solid Smoke!
JOHN: I'm not--
FLAMINGO: SILENCE! (continues) So this is just for our own pleasure. You're an enemy of the nation of Japan! You have no documentation linking you to the United States, so don't expect any Geneva Convention to save you!
JOHN: I wasn't planning on it.
FLAMINGO: Right! Well, let's get started then. Press the 'A' button to resist torture. And don't even think of using a turbo controller!
JOHN: ( o_O ) Uh...
John glances up, and, sure enough, by his right hand is a large green button with an 'A' imprinted on it.
JOHN: Oh for the love of--that's it!
FLAMINGO: (confused) What's it?
JOHN: I'm going to escape now. I want to remind you that I slaughtered a building worth of heavily armed troops last time. If you try to stop me, I'll do the same.
FLAMINGO: You don't scare me.
John let out a grunt of effort. The room got very cold suddenly and the lights dimmed. Where John was once strapped to the large torture machine, he now calmly stood in Super Kagaijin form. Reacting automatically, Flamingo drew her weapon and emptied its clip into the living shadow.
DARK-JOHN: Do you have some sort of death-prattle you want to go through? We can take the gaping chest wound as read.
FLAMINGO: (backing away) Uh, sure. (clears her throat, then collapses and coughs up about a pint of blood on the floor) You may have killed me, but--
Dark-John ignores her and shatters the observation glass with a touch.

INT.  SEA OF JAPAN - 40 NAUTICAL MILES NORTH-NORTHWEST OF OLD HIROSHIMA - SECRET JSSDF BASE ON AN ABANDONED OIL PLATFORM - PRISONER ROOM #4 OBSERVATION ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The Guard 1 is trying to wrestle the door open while Guard 2 is hammering on the alarm button with no apparent effect. Dark-John floats through the remains of the window.
DARK-JOHN: Look guys, I just said I'm not going to kill you right now. So long as you stay out of my way.
GUARD 2: What about her?
Flamingo is gesturing wildly despite a lack of an audience; apparently she's recounting some life changing event.
DARK-JOHN: Honestly, I don't think she counts. Where's my stuff?
GUARD 1: It's not here!
DARK-JOHN: I gathered that. Where is it? Or do I have to tear this place apart?
GUARD 2: We don't know. We just monitor this room!
DARK-JOHN: (sighs) Then the control room. Where is that?
GUARD 1: Level 2, I'll mark it on your mini-map.
DARK-JOHN: What mini-map? You guys took my mini-map!
FLAMINGO: (finishing up) Finally, it ends... (death rattle)
DARK-JOHN: ...
GUARD 1 & 2: ...
DARK-JOHN: Rii~ight.

INT.  GOONS' OFFICE - SAME TIME
Enter Jared and Andy. One through the door, the other through the ventilation duct. They approach John's desk, where a cardboard cut-out of a disapproving John sits. They cross a small laser beam that causes John's computer to activate an audio program.
ANDY: John! Uncle Hiroshi has ancient sword making techniques hidden in his ice cream!
RECORDING: What?
JARED: But Psycho Sensei won't let us ask him about it.
RECORDING: So?
JARED: So...
ANDY: Do something about it.
RECORDING: You guys are idiots.
JARED: That wasn't very helpful.
ANDY: Ya I was hoping for something more productive.
RECORDING: Why are you even bothering with this nonsense, shouldn't you be coming up with a plan for the Fourteenth Angel? Or repairing the Eva you two dismantled? Or better yet, a plan for fixing NERV's budget that was busted cleaning up after you?
JARED: That was not my fault!
RECORDING: It bloody well was, you idiot!
ANDY: If you aren't going to do something, can you at least share some insight you might have into this?
RECORDING: No.
JARED: Fine, we'll just go back and see if the Psycho Sensei left yet.
ANDY: Ya thanks for nothing!
RECORDING: Don't mention it.
Andy and Jared leave the way they came in. The program shuts off shortly after.

INT.  NERV - ONE OF MANY FEATURELESS HALLWAYS - MOMENTS LATER
Jared walks alone towards an elevator, Andy left behind to find his own way back to the surface. At the end of the hallway, the elevator dings open. Inside is a Japanese bombshell. This is the kind of lady rock stars sing about. Jared stops in his tracks for a moment as the busty woman strolls toward him. Jared grins and resumes walking.
JARED: (thinking) At least this adventure isn't a total waste of time.
The pedestrians pass each other with a nod of acknowledgment. But Jared stops once again this time with a very vexed look. The woman continues down the hall. Jared looks at his hand for a moment as if trying to reaffirm that it's still connected and under his control, then turns and steps quickly to catch up with the woman.
JARED: (pleasant smile) Good evening.
WOMAN: (slight English accent) Good evening.
JARED: (frowns for a split second, continues smiling) English accent?
WOMAN: I spent several years working in London; I guess some of it rubbed off on me.
JARED: Wow, London. Well, welcome back to Japan then.
WOMAN: It's funny.
JARED: Hmm?
WOMAN: The first person I talked with in London was a Japanese woman. And when I return to Japan, I'm greeted by a blond man.
JARED: (thinking) What the hell is wrong here? I keep groping but I can't feel anything! This negates my very purpose in life! (out loud) That is quite funny. I must beg your forgiveness for something.
WOMAN: Oh?
JARED: Yes. (deliberately tries to grab the woman's left breast)
Ideally, Jared would have made contact and then suffered whatever slaps or strikes were due. But instead, Jared's hand actually continues through, coming out behind the woman's shoulder. For a brief moment, Jared has the panicked thought that maybe he had tried too hard and put a hole in this innocent woman's chest. But he realizes that he hasn't put a hole in anything.
The woman however narrows her eyes, and her entire demeanor changes into that of a professional killer. Jared jerks his hand out of the woman's chest just as a small knife is thrust towards his eye. Jared responds on reflex, trying to parry the knife arm while dodging the blade itself and keeping track of the other arm drawing a pistol. But his parry attempt fails, his arm passing right through hers and only the quick dodge lets Jared keep his eye as the blade scratches across his cheek.
The woman chooses to focus on aiming her gun while Jared backs away as quickly as he can. The nearest cover available is a doorway but even Jared is forced to teleport there as the untouchable woman begins shooting precise rounds.
With Jared pinned against the wall, the woman slowly steps for a better shot. Jared quickly reaches and hits the open button, falling through the door in the hallway. The door shuts closed separating predator and prey momentarily. The woman merely smirks and steps through the closed door.

INT.  NERV - ONE OF MANY FEATURELESS ROOMS - SAME TIME
But the room appears to be empty.
Before she can begin a thorough search, the woman's breasts begin vibrating. She sighs and fishes a cell phone out of her cleavage.
WOMAN: Cheerio.
RITSUKO: Ms. Dust, weren't you going to be here by now?
MS. DUST: I came across a pervert, won't take me but a moment to finish him off.
RITSUKO: That'd be Waddell. You obviously haven't been briefed on him yet. While I'm normally all for his and his associates' executions, I'd prefer you save it for later. He's persistent as mold, it will take too long.
MS. DUST: Is he now? Very well, I'm on my way. (hangs up) Well, Mister Waddell, I'm sure we'll meet again.
Ms. Dust replaces her gun and phone and drops through the floor. Jared, still clinging to the ceiling by his fingernails, exhales.
JARED: Now, how do I get down?
Then the tiles give way.
THUD.
JARED: Oh. (groans in pain) What the hell was she? I mean, I couldn't touch her! She (rubs the red trace of his contact with the knife) nearly killed me and I couldn't even get one last feel... It's like some evil stripper. This can't be! I'm supposed to be the master pervert here!
Elsewhere.
KAJI: My ears are itching.
Back here.
JARED: (power pose) I must, NAY, I WILL find a way to touch her boobies! Even if I must develop an entire new system of martial arts. YES! Today, I shall begin the ultimate training methods to cop a feel! Today, the Waddell School of Martial Art Lechery is BORN!

INT.  MISATO'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
MISATO: (shudders) Ugh, I just got a chill down my spine.

INT.  SEA OF JAPAN - 40 NAUTICAL MILES NORTH-NORTHWEST OF OLD HIROSHIMA - SECRET JSSDF BASE ON AN ABANDONED OIL PLATFORM - CONTROL ROOM - SAME TIME
DARK-JOHN: Goon Sense... shivering.
Super Kagaijin John has found the control room and is just about to activate the platform's public address system, one of the few he has re-allowed power.
DARK-JOHN: (into the microphone and echoed around the base) Attention, this is... (turns to one of the guards cowering in the corner) What's my prisoner ID number?
GUARD 4: G007AD2015
DARK-JOHN: (continuing) Prisoner number... ah forget it. This is John Genoni. I'm escaping now, if you value your life and wish to serve your country tomorrow, please do not impede my progress. (pauses) AND SOMEONE FIND ME MY DAMN CLOTHES!
At the outburst, the rest of the guards in the room scatter. A moment later, there is an extra presence in the room.
DARK-JOHN: (looking at a neatly folded stack of clothing suddenly next to him) That shirt is dry-clean only.
NINJA MASTER: (unseen manly voice) Gods, I hate you.
DARK-JOHN: (shadow washes over the clothing, apparently taking them) Well, I'm a little curious what the occasion is... Though I suppose a ninja was to be expected at some point.
John powers down and is once again fully clothed.
JOHN: Any chance of getting me out of here? (pause) Hello? (sighs) Damn ninjas. (considers, then tries in a rough voice) Oh my god, you're hot! I want to bang you!
John suddenly ducks as a kunai spears through where he just was.
JOHN: (pocketing the dagger) Just checking. See ya around--... (corrects himself) You'll see me around, N.M.
John plays with the controls available (one button that toggles green or red) and after flipping the switch a number of times, decides that nothing else is going to explode, unlock, open, close, or do anything.

EXT.  TOKYO-2 - PLEASANT UPSCALE SUBURBAN HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - SAME TIME
The Japanese Prime Minister is yelling at his uncooperative garage door.

INT.  SEA OF JAPAN - 40 NAUTICAL MILES NORTH-NORTHWEST OF OLD HIROSHIMA - SECRET JSSDF BASE ON AN ABANDONED OIL PLATFORM - HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF CONTROL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Leaving the control room, John comes face to empty air. But looking down he finds a short, mousy Japanese woman.
JOHN: I take it you're not JSSDF.
The Young Lady shakes her head.
JOHN: Hmm... Well with the way my day has been going... (reaches behind him and unfolds his airport sign and holds it up to her "HENCHMAN" side forward)
The Young Henchwoman nods.
JOHN: Can you speak?
The Young Henchwoman nods again.
JOHN: ...
Y. H.: ...
JOHN: What's your name?
Y. H.: Turner. Paige Turner.
JOHN: Well, Paige.
PAIGE: (clears her throat)
JOHN: Ms. Turner, sorry, I'm on my way off this facility, would you care to join me in my escape from here? Dr. Akagi is waiting for us to get back.
PAIGE: (looking at the sign still in John's hands hungrily) uh...
John looks at her, perplexed, but hands her the sheet of paper. Instantly Paige's demeanor shifts from timid to confidant. Her eyes which had been darting around paranoid, now focus and her gaze becomes almost casual.
JOHN: Riiight. This way.
John leads Paige down the hallway and turns at a junction. A short distance down the junction, Barreta Flamingo stands blocking the way. In her hand is a pink submachine gun pointed at John's head.
FLAMINGO: You'll never escape, Smoke!
The deranged woman begins cackling and starts shooting into the ceiling as an intimidating show of force. Eventually, the laughter and gunfire ends and the smoking barrel of the weapon is once again aimed at John's head. The Goon tenses, ready to react and protect the Henchman if need be.
FLAMINGO: DIE!
Click-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck-ck.
JOHN: (-_-) ....
Flamingo stares at her gun in disbelief.
FLAMINGO: Crap! I used all the ammo in my entrance.
There's a loud creak.
FLAMINGO: No matter!
Flamingo drops the weapon as she swiftly reaches for her namesake, drawing it out in a smooth motion. As the weapon is leveled at the escaping prisoner, the ceiling finally gives up. A large section of the hallway collapses filling the way with dust, metal piping, and chunks of plaster.
PAIGE: Is she...?
JOHN: (solemn) Yes, no one could survive that much dust.
PAIGE: Was that sarcasm?
JOHN: No, just a joke well past its prime. Let's get out of here. Looks like the rest of the guards at least got the message.

EXT.  SEA OF JAPAN - 40 NAUTICAL MILES NORTH-NORTHWEST OF OLD HIROSHIMA - SECRET JSSDF BASE ON AN ABANDONED OIL PLATFORM - MAIN DECK - MOMENTS LATER
John and Paige exit the main building, blinking in the afternoon sunlight.
From another building, emerges a giant robot. It's another Jet Alone, this one owing much of its general shape to that of a gorilla. On its arm is the military stencil "JET ALONE KING", for the most part the robot is gunmetal gray, save for a giant glowing red spot clearly labeled "DANGER" in the center of its torso. The robot roars in artificial fury and then beats its chest.
Right on the big glowing red spot.
The robot wails pitifully as it begins to catch fire and suffers small explosions. Eventually the robot collapses, mostly blocking the way to the docks, unless one were to climb its arm and traverse its back. Seeing this as the only way to escape this mad house, John begins the short trek up. Once he and Paige make it to the robot's back more fires spring up around the robot temporarily trapping them from going back, not that John had any real intention to ever do so.
VOICE: SMOKE!
JOHN: Hmm? (turns towards the voice and sees Barretta Flamingo climbing from the wreckage) Oh come on, this is getting stupid.
FLAMINGO: YOU! Father always liked you best!
JOHN: ( o_O;; ) I think you're confused.
FLAMINGO: Think you got the best DNA, the best toys, the biggest scoops of ice cream! Well, it ends here! No more will I live in your shadow. As your inferior, as your clone!
JOHN: (grabs his forehead) This is causing me physical pain. Please shut up.
PAIGE: (leans near John and whispers) She doesn't look like--
JOHN: SHE'S NOT!
FLAMINGO: There is only one course of action. We must fight to the death on the back of this fallen robot!
JOHN: Does that mean you wrecked it on purpose?
FLAMINGO: No... I just didn't know how to use the controls.
JOHN: (clutches his forehead again, hunched over) PaaaaAAaaIIiIIiinnn...
FLAMINGO: Of course we can't fight to the death like this. Take off your shirt!
PAIGE: What?
FLAMINGO: (begins struggling trying to remove the upper-half of her one-piece outfit) I said take off your shirt so we can fight to the death.
PAIGE: (leans over and whispers to John) I think we should go now.
JOHN: (very, very tired) Yeah.
Paige leads John, still holding his head, towards a boat at the docks while Flamingo remains locked in an epic struggle with her outfit. The boat starts and drives off, away from the setting sun.
What? They can't follow the sunset, that'd take them to China!

EXT.  HIROSHI OJIISAN'S NO LICKS - PATIO SEATING AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Jared and Andy are back, co-incidentally in the same chairs they were chased out of last time. Instead of a waitress, Uncle Hiroshi himself comes to the table.
UNCLE HIROSHI: How are my biggest customers?
ANDY: We're plotting on how to--
JARED: (interrupting Andy) We're fine, thank you.
UNCLE HIROSHI: Good, good. I really must apologize for disturbing you but I need your help with something. And while Sensei would publicly disapprove, he did mention that you two might be able to help.
JARED: ... Wow.
ANDY: I'm confused.
JARED: (English) It's like how asking three times is a test of determination. Sensei puts forward a public face of disapproval, but there's actually a measure of respect.
ANDY: ...
JARED: (English) Complicated Japanese head games.
ANDY: Oh. So do we get the sword or what?
UNCLE HIROSHI: What sword? I just make ice cream.
ANDY: But you said--
JARED: (interrupting) Of course, you are only but a humble ice cream maker. (wink)
UNCLE HIROSHI: Well, have a new blend I'd be willing to share with you boys if you could do something for me.
ANDY: I don't want--
JARED: (interrupting, then in English) Do you need to wait outside?
ANDY: (English) No I just want to make a sword.
JARED: (English) Then you have to play the cordial round-about complicated Japanese head-games.
ANDY: (English) I don't want to play head-games.
JARED: (English) Then let me do the talking. (Japanese) My apologies, Hiroshi-Ojiisan, you were saying there was something you needed?
UNCLE HIROSHI: Yes, though it is a bit embarrassing. My niece, Aoi, takes medication for a condition. She was transferred as part of her new job with the JSSDF, but I fear she may not be taking her pills. She may have failed to mention her medication to get her job. If you could deliver her pills to her, I would be most appreciative.
JARED: I see. And where does she work now?
UNCLE HIROSHI: At a secret JSDF facility on an old oil rig 64 kilometers northwest of Old Hiroshima. Here is a picture of her.
Uncle Hiroshi hands Jared a photograph and a prescription bottle. The pills seem ordinary enough, apparently they treat a mild case of schizophrenia. The picture is of a smiling young woman, dark hair, and a face the audience would recognize as belonging to the source of John's latest headache.
JARED: Ok then, we'll find your niece and deliver her meds.
UNCLE HIROSHI: Thank you, and god speed.

EXT.  SEA OF JAPAN - 20 MILES OUT FROM OLD HIROSHIMA - SAME TIME
A small patrol boat skims along back towards the coast of Japan. John has since contacted NERV for a pick-up, but is eager to put as much distance between himself and the rig as possible. On the long boat ride, John tried to start up a conversation.
JOHN: When you think about it, Peter Pan was a vicious little psychopath. He cuts off Hook's hand and feeds it to the crocodile for sport.
Paige has been quietly folding various origami from the paper she got from John. She'd finish, look at the work, then unfold it and start again with a different design. Interestingly, the paper never seemed to keep its creases after it was unfolded.
PAIGE: Do you find cynicism in everything?
JOHN: No, I just like to try different points of view.
PAIGE: The Pirates in Neverland exist there to be fought and defeated by the Lost Boys. The Indians to be hunted as a game. Mermaids to playfully flirt with a boy who will never grow up. It's a British child's fantasy land where only one view point truly matters.
JOHN: So one should cut all ties and fully immerse themselves in a story?
PAIGE: A good story does just that. I'm sorry but I don't think we should be talking.
JOHN: Why not?
PAIGE: Because I have not been briefed yet on you.
JOHN: From Rit--Doctor Akagi?
PAIGE: ...
JOHN: You're waiting for your new master's opinion instead of forming your own?
PAIGE: ...
JOHN: That doesn't seem right; most of Ritsuko's agents are autonomous. Free to operate as they see fit.
PAIGE: I'm sorry but anything you say right now would be a waste of breath.
John frowns, then grabs the paper rabbit out of her hand.
PAIGE: (very dangerous) Put. The. Bunny. Down.
JOHN: No, not until you lighten up. Rit-chan might ask you to kill me tomorrow, but that doesn't mean we can't get along now.
PAIGE: (resolve crumbling) Please give me back my bunny?
JOHN: Are we going to have a civil conversation?
PAIGE: (sad puppy eyes, nods) Hmm-mm.
JOHN: Okay then. (returns the paper rabbit)
PAIGE: (cuddles the bunny for a moment before unfolding it and starting again) You're a mean jerk.
JOHN: I've been called worse...
PAIGE: I can see why.
JOHN: That's an interesting security blanket thing you've got going.
PAIGE: And you act like you know everything.
JOHN: Yes, well, someone has to. So--
John is interrupted when a bullet whizzes by his head. Genoni and Turner look behind them seeing Barretta Flamingo in a speed boat. She's cackling madly as she aims her namesake. She fires several more times, getting a lot more range than her gun is capable of, but not hitting anything important with any kind of force.
JOHN: Where the hell was that speedboat when we were leaving?
PAIGE: I don't know.
Flamingo, still quickly closing, ducks under for a second, and returns barely holding an assault rifle one handed.
PAIGE: Don't you have a gun?
JOHN: No. Didn't really think to pick one up.
PAIGE: You didn't bring anything to the airport?
JOHN: I was tired. I didn't think I'd have much fighting to do.
PAIGE: Aren't you a ki technician? Blast her or something!
JOHN: ... Ooooooooh yeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh... (looks rather embarrassed)
John lets Paige take the wheel and braces himself. He raises his right hand and braces his wrist with his left.
JOHN: (energy gathering in his hand) Masenko--
Flamingo opens fire with the assault rifle, but for someone who specializes in pistols, seems completely unprepared for the rifle's recoil. Bullets start flying everywhere as she loses control, but not her grip. Flailing around with the fully-automatic rifle she ends up putting more than a few very hot holes into the boat's gas tank.
Boom. Whee.
JOHN: ... ha? (reabsorbs the energy) Well... Ok.
John circles the flaming wreckage until it sinks, but the fire served enough purpose to help guide the NERV hoverjet already locked on John's Mini-MAGI. It's dark when they finally make it back to Tokyo-3. After dropping Paige off at NERV, John heads to Uncle Hiroshi's "because a day like this demands to end in ice cream."

EXT.  HIROSHI OJIISAN'S NO LICKS - ENTRANCE - ONE HOUR LATER
UNCLE HIROSHI: You look like you've had a long day.
JOHN: (slides up to the bar) You have no idea. Mint Chocolate Chip please. Make it a double.
UNCLE HIROSHI: So, if you don't mind my asking, any luck on finding my niece?
JOHN: Your niece is missing?
UNCLE HIROSHI: Your friends didn't tell you?
JOHN: I have friends? No, I haven't seen them all day.
UNCLE HIROSHI: Well, if you happen to touch base...
JOHN: I'll ask them about it. (takes his cone) Thank you.

EXT.  SIDEWALK OUTSIDE HIROSHI OJIISAN'S NO LICKS - MOMENTS LATER
John leaves the shop and comes face to foot with another Jet Alone King. This one calmly and smoothly lies down face first in the street.
JOHN: That's it! That's it! I tried to go through the day without killing anyone. I was calm, I was reasonable; I was courteous as I could be. No more! I will bathe in her blood! BATHE IN HER BLOOD, I SAY!
John powers up to Super Kagaijin form and floats up to the back of the robot. Barretta Flamingo is climbing out when she spots the living shadow.
FLAMINGO: There you are! Now let's get this over with! (starts unzipping her outfit this time)
THWIP!
A dart hits Flamingo's neck and she drops. John powers down in confusion.
JOHN: The hell?
UNCLE HIROSHI: (hiding a dart gun) Aoi! There you are! (climbs up the robot) Bothering this nice young man.
JOHN: This ............ is your niece?!
UNCLE HIROSHI: When she was young she had a terrible case of brain freeze, it drove her insane. When she joined the JSDF, I thought it might give her some structure. I wasn't expecting giant robots and torture chambers.
JOHN: (rhetorically) But who would?
UNCLE HIROSHI: I'll give her superiors a call tomorrow. In the mean time, I owe you for bringing her back safely.
JOHN: ( O_O ) It was nothing really.
UNCLE HIROSHI: Your friends wanted an ice cream recipe for some reason, but I think I'll give you something better. (hands John a scroll) My family was once legendary swordsmiths, but as the demand waned, we started exploring other alternatives. It was my great great grandfather who discovered he could keep in practice by making ice cream. I don't know where you'll find a proper forge or the right materials, but with that scroll, you'll be able to make something quite special.
JOHN: ( o_O ) Oookay. 
UNCLE HIROSHI: Thank you again, young man.

EXT.  SEA OF JAPAN - NEAR SOME FAMILIAR FLOATSOM - SAME TIME
JARED: (treading water) Irony sense tingling.
ANDY: (in a "borrowed" fishing boat) What?
JARED: Never mind. (climbs back in the boat) It's getting dark; we won't find anything out here.
ANDY: We could go back to that oil rig with the suspiciously armed workers and ask if they're sure they saw her in a boat out here.
JARED: Nah. They were barely co-operative the first time.
ANDY: Hmmm, Ok I have a plan!
JARED: We aren't vaporizing the Sea of Japan to look for a dead body.
ANDY: Ok, I have another plan!

EXT.  UPSCALE RESTAURANT ENTRANCE - EVENING
John leaves a restaurant and begins to trek home. On his way, he spots the hard-to-miss-in-a-crowd-of-Japanese-people Andy. For some reason, he is holding a broom with a paper plate stapled to its bristles. A crayon drawing of a face marks the plate with the eyes and other features labeled in Japanese.
JOHN: < -_- > Do I want to know?
ANDY: Uh... Probably not.
Jared arrives with a blow-up doll tucked under his arm.
JOHN: ... (sighs) Hiroshi got his niece back.
JARED: Oh.
JOHN: You didn't put any clothes on it.
JARED: Yeah...
JOHN: You stapled the picture to its face.
JARED: Maybe...
JOHN: It's deflating.
JARED: Oh.
ANDY: Where have you been?
JOHN: Having a very rough, very long day. You?
ANDY: My claymore got pawned and I scarred the soul of the little bitch who stole it.
JARED: I made a new waffle maker and a pony.
JOHN: That's... nice. I want to go home, myself.
JARED: You're sure this won't work?
JOHN: It's a tangled lump of plastic and he already has his niece.
ANDY: But I wanted... wanted... what the hell was this about?
JARED: Ice cream?
ANDY: We don't need a broom for ice cream! Hell, we have some at home in the fridge!
JARED: Home then!

*   *   *
TITLE FLASH
NEON GENISIS: GOONVANGELION
EPISODE 10

Crisis of Infinite Identity / Who are You?
*   *   *

INT.  NERV - BRIEFING ROOM W/ LIGHTS OFF - THE NEXT MORNING.
RITSUKO: Is everyone here? Alright, let's begin.
The wall behind her begins to glow, illuminating the room. Misato, Kozo, and the bridge bunnies are present as well as Ritsuko's Henchmen old and new. Psycho Sensei is in his old-fashioned robes as usual. Everything about him speaks of a Samurai misplaced by time. Ninja Master had all appearances of a large muscular man in a black jumpsuit and a simple dark mask with the Kanji for 'Shinobi' carved into the forehead. Yamazaki had all the trappings of a Yakuza hitman , from the black suit and sunglasses, to the leather gloves and hint of tattoos on his neck. Bob was a former Yokuzuna, champion Sumo wrestler, and still kept in "shape". Miss Dust was in her black vinyl cat suit. Paige wore a large brown trench coat over a white blouse, red vest, and long brown skirt. The last was a woman in a male military officer's uniform with formal trappings and long blonde hair.
RITSUKO: I'm not terribly fond of repeating myself so I've decided to combine my briefings. Besides, this does concern everyone.
From her lab coat, Ritsuko draws a wand with a glowing tip.
FUYUTSUKI: Eleven inches, gold wiring, firm.
RITSUKO: (frowning) Something you wish to say, Sub-Commander?
Kozo quickly shakes his head. Ritsuko waves the holo-wand and the wall comes to life. Images of the Goons appear and slide away from the wall. They include the ID photos, some various security images, and other short clips. For the moment it was as though the images were just tossed on a tabletop, but they quickly organize themselves behind each ID card image.
RITSUKO: Pilots John Genoni, Jared Waddell, and Andrew Mucha. Collectively referred to as the Goons. Estimated ages 22, 22, and 23, respectively. Assumed nationality: American.
PAIGE: Assumed?
RITSUKO: Yes. They say they are from America, specifically Washington State in the South-East region. As they only spoke English when they first arrived and have never stopped being pompous assholes since then, I'd say it's safe to assume they are Americans.
MS. DUST: They didn't have ID on them? Visas? Passports?
RITSUKO: Driver's licenses that expired a decade ago. They arrived at this point (the holographs respond to her gesture and display a view of the hill) during our battle with the Seventh Angel. Up until their first appearance, we have no record of the Goons ever entering Japan. Or really even existing for the past fifteen years.
Blonde Henchwoman: And you just let them into NERV where they wander around freely.
RITSUKO: Ms. King, I understand it's in your nature to be confrontational, but the last mistake you'll ever make is to start something with the people in this room. Are we clear?
DAISY: Crystal, Ma'am.
RITSUKO: It's not going to do any good lamenting over mistakes in the past. Obviously, things could have been done differently. But the Commander let them stay, made them pilots, and now we just have to deal with them.
YAMAZAKI: Deal with them? (points a finger at his temple)
RITSUKO: If only... Unfortunately, as I will get into, that doesn't work and, loathe though I am to admit it, NERV needs them. We shall begin with Mucha. (the holographs of the others receded and Andy's spread out) At approximately 2.2 meters tall and 150 kilograms, Mucha is the largest of the three. He, like the others, has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder although in his case it might be more serious. Contrasting his inattentiveness is a near-perfect photographic memory. Mucha is physically the toughest of the three as well.
DAISY: Like how tough?
RITSUKO: Well, the Goons get stronger the worse they get hurt. Lately Mucha has taken to stealing N2 mines, turning them on, and detonating them manually.
DAISY: ...
RITSUKO: He is obsessed with getting stronger, and once he figured out that injuries offer the greatest gain, he's been trying to get into worse and worse situations. And it seems the stupider the act that got him injured, the quicker he recovers. Because of this, it is not recommended that you confront him. Not only could he overpower most of you, but if you fail to kill him, he'll just be back even stronger.
DAISY: Fighting style?
RITSUKO: As I understand it, he's something of a berserker, but I don't take much time to understand fighters as a rule. Major?
MISATO: He's a power fighter. Based on data we recovered from security footage from his fight with Jared and other incidents, Andy uses a simple fighting style based mostly on strikes and blasts. There's very little in the way of joint locks, pressure point strikes, and weapons use in his style. His marksman scores are all over the place. We have evidence of master level skill in combat situations, but beginner's abilities in training. He uses raw strength to overcome his enemies and depends on his extensive reserves to last him through. That he can sustain such an inefficient style for so long is a credit in itself.
DAISY: Blasts?
The holograms changed to showcase short clips and stills of Andy firing various beams and blasts from his hands.
RITSUKO: He also has some interesting personality quirks. He sees himself as some kind of hunter, and he generally stalks around, unseen. He prefers traveling through the large ventilation ducts of NERV than using the hallways. He hates kids, doesn't associate with women, and covers his ears like a child if sex is mentioned.
MS. DUST: Something to exploit?
RITSUKO: Since I've cautioned against fighting them already, I'm not going to encourage anything. None of the Goons are to be underestimated. Especially Mucha, since he's so easy to take at face value. Moving on.
Andy's images are replaced by those of Jared.
RITSUKO: At 1.8 meters and 80 kilograms Waddell is the smallest of the three, though not by much. As you might be able to tell, his physique was sculpted from over a decade of hard training. Of the three, he is the most studied in martial arts with well over a hundred distinct styles witnessed, although he tends to favor a basic form of karate, whichever that is.
MISATO: Classical Gojo-ryu. We had him pegged as a mixed martial arts fighter for a while, but he has way too much specialized skill in too many styles. In a fight he uses whatever is handy. We actually haven't yet seem him exhaust his repertoire of moves.
MS. DUST: Does this eclectic style include any techniques for groping at women?
MISATO: I wouldn't be surprised if he's in the middle of actually developing a style based around perversion by this point. Our records have him using a move from every fighting style on record and many that are known only by a select few.
RITSUKO: He is terribly ecchi; he can't seem to keep his hands off of women.
PAIGE: And he's not being sued?
RITSUKO: NERV's policy is one of retribution. If he touches you, you can touch him, harder. It simplifies the paperwork. And you can always tell him "no."
MISATO: That works?!
RITSUKO: He hasn't bothered me. (mentally adding) Since that one time. (out loud) Somewhere in his twisted fighter logic and the bizarre martial codes of honor, if a woman says no and she means it, then he'll obey. Otherwise he thinks you're just being coy.
MAYA: (mumbles something, blushes)
RITSUKO: Anyway, you are better off avoiding him. If you must come into conta--be in the same area as Waddell, be wary of wandering fingers. Otherwise, he is intelligent and quite the productive little insect, often found in a garage or machine shop tinkering with something. Like Mucha, he recovers from injury very quickly and that he's almost constantly suffering the righteous indignation of NERV's women, he's steadily increasing in strength over time. And for some reason he prefers a very flammable hair gel.
DAISY: Any weaknesses?
MS. DUST: Obviously not knives.
That earns a few looks form around the room.
RITSUKO: Once again I must remind you, these are co-workers. But they are a special case, hence this briefing. But to answer your question Waddell hasn't shown any notable weakness. He likes cheese, women, cats, tinkering, and cars. He likes to be in the know, but often seems as scatterbrained as Mucha.
MS. DUST: And the last Goon?
RITSUKO: John... (pauses for a moment, then clears her throat) Genoni is 1.9 meters tall, 90 kilograms mass, and always wears glasses. If there must be one, then Genoni is the brains of the three. He actually doesn't do much in observable locations, and is no where near as frequent to the infirmary as his comrades, so data regarding him is very limited. Both Misato and myself have engaged him on separate occasions and he is a formidable opponent. He has had Jedi training, though most of it seems self-taught. He has had martial arts training, though is no where near the caliber and quality of Waddell.
PAIGE: He escaped a maximum security holding facility yesterday without killing anyone. They just let him go.
RITSUKO: He's been incarcerated before. I understand he slew everyone who got in his way as he escaped. Genoni has ways of getting in people's heads, defeating them before a fight can begin. His reluctance to resort to violence is a refreshing contrast to the others, although once he does resort to violence, he doesn't hold back.
MS. DUST: If he's not getting injured, and thus not healing and getting stronger, then how does he keep up with the other two?
RITSUKO: Genoni seems to slowly but steadily gain power. We think it might have something to do with his Shadow, but have not proven anything conclusive.
MS. DUST: I'm sorry, his shadow?
RITSUKO: To hear him tell it, Genoni's Shadow is actually an all-devouring demon bound to his soul. He uses consecrated frames with his glasses to help control this demon, but if the demon is regularly gathering thermal and solar radiation then it could pass that energy to Genoni as a symbiotic trade.
MS. DUST: ...
PAIGE: ...
DAISY: ...
RITSUKO: According to Genoni.
PSYCHO SENSEI: Is he a threat, Doctor?
RITSUKO: No. It is under control.
MISATO: So it's not in his nature to take the simple way?
RITSUKO: No, for whatever reason, Genoni does not use his powers to their full extent on any regular basis.
PAIGE: When I had first seen him, he seemed to be wrapped in shadow and flame...
RITSUKO: Ah yes, The Goons can charge their energy to such a degree that their bodies change to handle the tremendous power.
DAISY: (scoffs) What? They go Super Saiyajin?
RITSUKO: Not specifically. What you saw, Ms. Turner, was what we've dubbed "Super Kagaijin". You may have felt unreasonably cold, noticed power outages, and otherwise felt an ever so slight pull. In this form, Genoni can absorb vast amounts of energy in a very large radius and even matter on contact. Currently we have no way of dealing with this form.
Behind her, the images of John, though nothing of his Kagaijin form, are replaced with the moment in Jared and Andy's fight when Andy transformed. As well as security footage from Andy's first transformation when he just realized he'd been tricked, and other Super Chibijin clips.
All present: Aawww...
RITSUKO: (Pointedly not looking behind her) What you are "aww"-ing at is Andy's Ascended form, dubbed "Super Chibijin" after the mythical dwarf. In this form, Andy is relatively weak physically; he isn't much stronger than your average bystander. However, he is irresistibly cute. In fact, only Waddell and Genoni seem to be immune to Mucha's aura of cute. Mucha certainly doesn't think much of this form, but it does serve as a pressure valve if he tries to power up too quickly.
MISATO: I'm sorry, what?
Ritsuko glares and removes the Chibijin pictures with a gesture; the audience seems to snap out of a daze.
RITSUKO: I said Super Chibi-Andy is a weapon of mass distraction and you must be careful!
MS. DUST: And Waddell, does he have an alternate form?
RITSUKO: Yes he does. (Appropriate images of Jared and Andy's fight appear) Super Girijin.
NINJA MASTER: (sly, manly voice) Now who does that remind me of?
PSYCHO SENSEI: (clears his throat)
RITSUKO: While Mucha's clothes seem to warp along with his body and Genoni doesn't seem to retain an actual physical form, Waddell's clothes actually change completely, even provide him with a reverse bladed katana not unlike that Ruroni Kenshin anime from a while ago. (data and images of the reverse sword appear) In this form, Waddell is even faster and stronger than usual. His fighting style changes as well to an obscure ken-jutsu we haven't identified. And please, please note that this blade has been filmed cutting through armor and buildings like butter.
Misato folds her hands and nods. A black-and-white recording of some part of Andy and Jared's 'Epic Battle' plays, where Jared's Girijin form is hacking up the scenery.
RITSUKO: In powering up towards this form he seems to actually become more passionate and ecchi until it seems to literally explode off of him, leaving behind a pure warrior. Unfortunately, a school bus full of teenagers was near the "H-bomb" when he transformed, apparently affecting them.
SHIGERU: Do we, uh, have any footage of that?
RITSUKO: (Glares) No.
MS. DUST: So how does NERV control them?
RITSUKO: We can't, yet. The most control they have is Genoni. He can't seem to stop them but he does seem able to direct them.
MS. DUST: Well then, all we'd need to do then is gain control of John then. So who's going to seduce him?
RITSUKO: (a little too insistent) No one is going to be seducing John!
The Rest of the Room: ( o_o; ) ...
RITSUKO: I mean, there's no need. Genoni is already working with NERV on a number of projects.
MS. DUST: Still, he's kind of cute. It wouldn't hurt just to--
Ritsuko narrowed her eyes. A pencil on the table in front of Ms. Dust snapped itself in half.
RITSUKO: John. Is. Not. Your. Concern.
MS. DUST: (eyeing the pencil's remains) Yes, Ma'am.
RITSUKO: I think we're done here. (pleasant voice) Thank you all for coming. I hope there was something to learn.
Ninja Master disappears in a puff of smoke. And the rest of the assembly disperses. Save for Ritsuko and Ms. Dust who are engaged in a staring contest.
Once they are alone.
MS. DUST: Yes, Ma'am?
RITSUKO: I realize that with powers like yours, you quite literally feel untouchable. Jester recommended you because I asked for his best, and warned me that you had something of a discipline problem. I was told you had a firm sense of duty, which I have yet to see. Of course you've only just arrived yesterday.
MS. DUST: Look, if you're sleeping with Genoni on the side, that's not my problem. I wasn't trying to steal your boy toy.
RITSUKO: John? Oh no, this isn't about him. This is about you knowing your place here. I admit, this place must look like a mess to fresh eyes. So I thought I'd set something of a standard.
There's a quiet moment.
Lightning fast, Ritsuko draws her sidearm and fires at Ms. Dust's arm. The bullet goes through her arm with no injury, but at that same moment, Ritsuko opens her hand in a gesture.
Ms. Dust's left arm tears itself off where the bullet had gone through. At the point of the severing, Dust's namesake glowed. The arm just hangs in the air next to her.
RITSUKO: Untouchable yes, but I don't need to touch you, now do I?
MS. DUST: (paling drastically)
RITSUKO: Who do you serve?
MS. DUST: Y-You Ma'am.
RITSUKO: Who do you obey?
MS. DUST: You Ma'am.
RITSUKO: Who owns you? Who controls you?
MS. DUST: You Ma'am!
Ritsuko closes her hand and the arm reattaches itself. Dust immediately clutches the arm, as if afraid to lose it again.
RITSUKO: Betray me and I will scatter you to the winds.
MS. DUST: Never, Ma'am.
RITSUKO: You'll be integrated into NERV's roster, take some time off and get to know the city. Dismissed. (leaves)

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - SOMEWHERE - MOMENTS LATER
JARED: (wiping his nose) That was one hell of a sneezing fit, are your ears itchy too?
JOHN: (scratching his ear) It might be pollination time. Hard to keep track when it's always summer and no one keeps a calendar handy.
JARED: Well, no harm no foul.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - A DARK BUT UNREMARKABLE ALLEYWAY - SAME TIME
Chibi-Andy, wearing ceremonial robes covered in silver runes is slowly backing away from a shadowy monster consuming the room.
CHIBI-ANDY: Note to self, sneezing during a summoning ritual is bad.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - BACK WITH JARED & JOHN - MOMENTS LATER
JARED: So where was I? Oh yeah, the system is founded on the idea that it is easy to do harm to someone, but to do good takes true skill and talent. It'll use a tiered system of techniques with each subsequent level building off of the previous.
JOHN: How would that even work?
JARED: Well, I figure the three most basic would be the Stealth Grope, the Penetrating Grope, and the Doppler Grope. I could then build off of those to create a long-distance technique such as the Vacuum Grope, Instant Grope and others.
JOHN: (clearly not enjoying this conversation) It sounds like you've got most of them down if you're already investigating other levels.
JARED: Not really. Just mental exercises right now. I had Stealth pretty much down to begin with. But I'm having a hard time figuring out how to go supersonic without putting a hole in someone. And I think the penetrating grope is just a matter of scaling to determine the range and intensity.
JOHN: Where exactly do you see this ending? I mean, besides you in a pool of your own blood.
JARED: The Omni-Touch.
JOHN: ...
JARED: I foresee a technique that would allow me to reach through time and space itself to feel women throughout history. Imagine second base with Cleopatra, or third base with Helen of Troy.
JOHN: And how exactly do you get anything out these moves?
JARED: It's not about me. It's about the ladies. It's about making them feel good, desired, it's about--
JOHN: Violating them.
JARED: Guys get away with it in anime all the time. It's a touch-slap rule. And I'd never go after anyone who specifically says no.
JOHN: So is that why you want to do it from a mile away? What about Asuka?
JARED: She's never actually said to stop.
JOHN: She's taken now.
JARED: So was Ritsuko.
JOHN: (frown) Ritsuko is...
JARED: She was welded to Gendo's lap when we first showed up.
JOHN: Don't even think that you can bring Ritsuko into this! I've matured! (points at Jared) You're still-- (seems to freeze)
JARED: What? I'm still what?
John is still not moving. But his pupils are dilated and his arm is slowly lowering.
JARED: (slaps the accusing finger away) Finish your fucking sentence! What am I? (furious) What? Say it! (blinks) ... (snaps his fingers in front of John) John?
John's eyes roll back and he collapses.
JARED: What the hell? (looks around, spies a perfume stand) Oh no, no, no, no. (takes a big sniff from where he stands) Damn it! DAMMIT! Why now?
Why not?
JARED: (slings John over his shoulder and heads back to their home) Why the hell couldn't she wear an exotic perfume?

INT.  NERV - ONE OF MANY FEATURELESS HALLWAYS - SOME TIME LATER
Misato happens across Ritsuko.
MISATO: Good afternoon, Doctor.
RITSUKO: Good afternoon, Major.
MISATO: I got a mixed message from your briefing, and I'm sure it wasn't even directed at me. I wonder about the purpose of your new body guards.
RITSUKO: Ms. Dust is an assassin and a spy; there are places even ninja cannot reach. Ms. Turner is data acquisition and processing. She was partners with Ms. Dust and I felt both would be at their best together.
MISATO: And the last? I know she took the gold in the last Olympics for fencing.
RITSUKO: (shrugs) Seven is a lucky number.
MISATO: That's unlike you to be superstitious. I thought you were all about facts and evidence.
RITSUKO: Better safe than sorry.
MISATO: So you didn't just hire three new agents to counter the Goons. Why tailor your orientation to sound like you wanted them taken out?
RITSUKO: If I were to introduce you to those guys, what would you rather know? Their favorite color? Or whether they can rip a car in half?
MISATO: I just think it came off as a hint to attack them.
RITSUKO: I'm not really concerned. Subject change, I want to show you something.
MISATO: What is it?
Ritsuko holds up a disk and leads Misato into a nearby room. Once inside Ritsuko goes to a communication panel and inserts the disk. A Holographic presentation starts up.
RITSUKO: This is for you, both as my friend and as the Tactical Ops Commander.
MISATO: What is it?
RITSUKO: It's about data gathered on the Goons ki abilities, from when they first manifested in the Evas to remote sensors during Jared and Andy's little spat. Here is a normal person in decent enough shape.
An outline appeared and filled with color, almost like a heat sensitive image was taken, but there was a flow to the colors.
RITSUKO: This is the basic ki signature of any given human, there's some range to abilities but, barring an adrenaline rush, nothing extraordinary. Next we have a martial artist. (another outline, with a pigtail interestingly) Given decades of study and focus, a normal person can reach this level but the truly extraordinary ones are born this way. Their bodies are almost designed for maximum ki flow. (the martial artist fills in with color but the colors are stronger, more defined and definitely flowing clearly)
MISATO: I suppose I was one of the lucky ones then, huh?
RITSUKO: Ki energy flows along your body's lei lines. Positive and negative energy. Like oxygenated blood through your arteries and veins. By controlling that balance and the rate of flow you perform the ki techniques like the Hadoken, the Shoryuken, the Pipes-are-broken...
MISATO: < -_- > Funny.
RITSUKO: < ^_^ > I thought so.
MISATO: And then there are the Goons.
RITSUKO: (repeating) And then there are the Goons.
Three outlines show up of our he--protag--... those guys. Ritsuko waits for Misato to take a breath before proceeding. Jared and Andy fill with color, a full spectrum of light in a chaotic swirl. John's remains uncolored for the moment.
MISATO: I think I just had an acid flashback.
RITSUKO: These two have no observable lei lines. I've had the MAGI running a pattern scan for weeks now and it still haven't found anything. The Goons exist in a state of bio-electrical chaos, it should be impossible for them to even live, let alone perform ki techniques. But when they try, watch:
Jared and Andy's kaleidoscope outlines turn to face each other and get in the classic fireball stance. Immediately the colors snap into a solid pattern delivering energy to the hands.
MISATO: They could do anything with that. Most fighters specialize in a few moves and that basically sets their lei lines down. You can't teach an old martial artist new tricks. But if they don't have a set pattern to begin with...
RITSUKO: I had assumed that was the bottom line for them. Thank you for confirming that.
MISATO: What about John?
Ritsuko gestured at John's outline. His initial pattern was chaotic, but it was not the bright colorful image of the others. Dark blues and violets mixed with black in an ugly mess.
MISATO: What the Hell?
RITSUKO: This is Genoni's aura. It consists almost exclusively of negative ki energy.
MISATO: That's not possible.
RITSUKO: (continuing) Like the others it creates a suitable pattern to perform the desired technique.
MISATO: He can't be alive!
RITSUKO: On the contrary, he might live forever. But nothing around him can survive. He is constantly absorbing energy, though he does seem to have some control over the rate. At its least, you'll think his skin is cold.
MISATO: And at its greatest, he can absorb the soul out of an Angel. Wait a minute; I thought you said it was a demon!
RITSUKO: I said, "hearing Genoni talk about it." I don't believe in demons. For whatever reason, he's convinced himself that his condition is artificial, a result of demons. So placebo's like dipping glasses in holy water and whatever else have the psychological effect of helping him control his power.
MISATO: How did he get like this?
RITSUKO: I don't know. I think an injury along a lei line could disrupt the ki flow, but since the Goons don't have normal lines, I can't say for certain.
MISATO: My God...
RITSUKO: Of course, negative ki isn't evil or anything silly like that.
MISATO: No, it's just the natural intake of energy. A number of healing techniques use cold ki to draw energy from the environment. Still, for him to be so drastically unbalanced...
RITSUKO: That leads me to a question I have for you. If he is so full of negative energy, then how is he able to do anything? He shouldn't be capable of performing any ki techniques, just absorbing any used on him.
MISATO: Well, I've only just seen this data, but there is more to a person's ki than just the energy in the lei lines. I wasn't kidding when I said he couldn't be alive, there's no such thing as just cold or just hot energy; you can't have just one in a living being. My guess would be that while only his cold energy can flow, his cells still produce hot energy like regular. It just remains stagnant. He could be using that stagnant hot ki to set up the technique and just let his cold aura draw the needed energy from his environment.
RITSUKO: So his aura has to adapt the most just to pull off the same techniques. That would explain why his stamina in prolonged engagements is much lower than the others.
MISATO: I've never heard of such a condition though. Are you sure it's not Force related?
RITSUKO:  I dare say this is too controlled to be some kind of Force aberration. And I don't know why it would affect his ki signature.
MISATO: Well, if I don't think it's ki, and you don't think it's Force, then that only leaves one opinion on the table.
RITSUKO: There's--
MISATO: (interrupting, with Hamlet of all things) There are more things in heaven and earth, Ritsuko,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
RITSUKO: I can and will only go by my observed, measured data. The Goons are freaks enough without dragging the occult into this.
MISATO: Jesus though...
RITSUKO: Thinking of trying to fix him?
MISATO: ...
RITSUKO: He would lose his shadow powers then.
MISATO: Well now that I've seen this, I'd only think of using that power any way as a last resort. We've done fine so far. (sighs) I guess we can see about fixing him after this is all over.
RITSUKO: There's... something else to consider. That Genoni hasn't considered that his "demon" is actually part of his ki aura. It's not like him to accept something so fanciful as an explanation. I wonder if the other two know about this.
MISATO: We'll just have to ask them that too. (activates her Mini-MAGI) Where are they? John's... back at their apartment? And Jared is making a bee-line to Andy's location... he must be flying again.
RITSUKO: Damn it. There's a reason that rule is in place.
MISATO: Jealousy?
RITSUKO: No, merely that I've been informed that the JSSDF has a new "shoot first" policy on "Small UFO's". They have Stinger crews waiting for the Goons to take flight.
MISATO: They obviously haven't heard about Andy, his catapult, a stolen S.A.M. truck, and his little game of "Human Skeet".
RITSUKO: I'm not concerned about the Goons, I'm worried about collateral damage and bystanders.
MISATO: We could tell them our actual concerns, instead of just appearing to cut into their fun.
RITSUKO: They need to learn to respect the rules, not the reasoning. Let's talk to Genoni first.
MISATO: I'm driving!

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
John is unconscious on the couch. Jared and Andy suddenly appear.
ANDY: It's always that damn perfume. Why couldn't she wear something more exotic?
JARED: That's what I said!
ANDY: Ok, where is he?
JARED: Right here.
There's a pause.
JARED: NOT IT!
ANDY: Not--damn it!
Andy leans over John and start rummaging, taking the neurolizer, a set of keys, and the Mini-MAGI with a hazard yellow-and-black striped band.
ANDY: Some day, Waddell, some day.
JARED: (smirk) Well, not this time. (serious again) So, how should we handle this?
ANDY: No NERV. We keep him here until he hits Stage Four and then fix him. And no dicking around this time, it's too dangerous to experiment; we find the usual list and fix him.
JARED: I don't think we'll find any "Star Wars" here though. And I doubt we can keep NERV out of this, we live next door to Misato and the Children. If John doesn't show up to work, they'll suspect something.
ANDY: That can't be helped. The less they know the better; otherwise they might end up influencing him or catalyzing the Stages.
The bell rings. An image of Misato and Ritsuko appears near the door.
ANDY: Damn it. Can't you, grope them or something? Scare 'em off?
JARED: I'll get the door.
Jared goes to the door and slides it open.
MISATO: ( ^.^ ) Ohayo! (Sees Jared) Don't touch me.
JARED: What?
MISATO: (repeating) Don't touch me. May we come in?
JARED: ( o.O;; ) Now... is... not a good time.
RITSUKO: That's fine; we wanted to speak with Genoni.
JARED: Then it is definitely not a good time. Thank you for visiting, perhaps another time, good-bye! (presses the 'close' button)
Misato catches the door and forces it back open. Jared leans back to inspect the large motor he installed to move the slab of steel they use for a door.
JARED: (low whistle) Remind me to fight you sometime.
MISATO: (reflexively) Thursday is free. (eyes narrow) Why is it a bad time?
ANDY: (arriving) Are they gone yet? < -_- > They are still here. Why?
JARED: I'm not allowed to grope them.
ANDY: You develop a sense of honor NOW? John's out of commission not even ten minutes and you can't even chase off Tweedledee and Tweedledum? (throws his hands up) Fine! They would have found out eventually.
MISATO: (whispers to Ritsuko) Any of this making ANY sense at all?
RITSUKO: (whispering back) It's sounding like Genoni's "brain broke" again. Mucha is giving orders and he mentioned Genoni being indisposed.
MISATO: (whispers sarcastically) Terrific.
ANDY: Come in, come in. Might as well get this over with now.
Andy leads everyone past the living area to the kitchen table. John appears to be asleep on the couch still. In uncharacteristic hospitality, Andy offers drinks.
ANDY: Beer, Dew, Coffee, Tea, virgin's blood... uh, never mind I was saving that.
RITSUKO: Tea will suffice. Shouldn't you wake up Genoni?
ANDY: No! (clears throat) No. That would be rude and inconsiderate.
RITSUKO & MISATO: < -_- > ...
ANDY: (After a few attempts at making words) John is... not here right now.
MISATO: (pointing at the couch) He's right there.
ANDY: Well, no, he's there but he's not there.
RITSUKO: Did he break again? Like last time?
ANDY: No, not like last time, this is worse.
JARED: (returning with a disk and a projector) I got it.
RITSUKO: (skeptical) There's a presentation?
ANDY: Jared and I started working on it after the first breaking. (grabs the controller) Lights?
The lights dim. Andy clicks a button. A long series of random animations appear with every cheesy effect available used. Holographic flames and dragons, crude animations, and virtually an entire volume of animated clip art play out in the kitchen. Eventually the title page floats in the air, "JOHN'S MIND: A HOUSE OF CARDS DIVIDED."
Andy clicks another button and the holograph shuts off and the lights come back on.
ANDY: That's, uh, that's as far as we got.
RITSUKO: (holding her head) Who are you people?!
MISATO: What the Doctor means, is that we want to review your histories and make sure we're agreed on the facts.
ANDY: Found the graves, huh? Kind of trippy isn't it? We haven't been in the States since we arrived, but one day John was just wandering on his computer and found them.
JARED: Does this mean we don't get to go through the origin stories we came up with? I really liked the Obi-John Genoni and Darth Mucha one.
ANDY: Or the one where you're Goku and John is Freeza and we're battling for Namek.
JARED: Or the Matrix one where John is Morpheus and I'm Neo and You're Agent Smith!
ANDY: John was Agent Smith in that one.
JARED: Oh yeah.
MISATO: Gentlemen!
ANDY: Oh, hi.
MISATO: We want to know who you guys really are. What made you what you are today.
RITSUKO: But for starters, tell us what the hell is wrong with Genoni.
ANDY: ...
JARED: ...
RITSUKO: Well?
ANDY: ...
JARED: ...
RITSUKO: Don't make me use Force.
ANDY: ...
JARED: ...
Simultaneously, both Goons take a deep breath. Before either woman could stop them they begin.
ANDY & JARED: JWoahynbsabcrkaiinncborlolkeegbeeJcoahunsfeeolflaignilrolvheewbwuatssdhaetdiinegddaineddhiengaontabcucmimdeednstoiwtedeersatsreodyheidshmiemmbourtywaenhdenlopweidthmiimgfhotrcgoemteabbaocuktbiuttbtuhtaitfihsebsaedxbpelciucaisteltyhreenmhienwdieldlogfeetrstuhiecnihdearleagnrdecsosuelsdadnidebecomebutashellofaman!
RITSUKO: < -_- > ...
MISATO: < o_O > ...
Jared and Andy catch their breath.
MISATO: < o_O > Did you happen to...
RITSUKO: < -_-# > No, I don't speak Idiot.
ANDY & JARED: I said-- (deep breath)
RITSUKO: STOP! Just stop, please.
MISATO: What put him in this coma?
JARED: Perfume smell.
RITSUKO: (eyes narrow) Whose?
JARED: No one's, we had passed a perfume counter and he caught the scent.
RITSUKO: (almost growling) Whose?
JARED: Old girlfriend, years ago. She died, tragically, John took it very badly. Blames himself.
ANDY: So we erased his memory and have been substituting movies, anime and comic books for the past few years. But every once in a while something brings him back.
JARED: Then he goes through these stages until he fully remembers what happened.
ANDY: And if that happens he gets really depressed and eventually suicidal.
JARED: So we can't let him get that far. We wait until the time is right and then erase his memory again and fill it with the right characters to get the John you know and... (searches for the right word, gives up) the John you know.
MISATO: That's not a good thing! How is he going to accept his loss and overcome it if you keep erasing his memory of it?
ANDY: (angrily jabs a finger at Misato's chest) Don't you dare talk to us about accepting loss! John isn't anywhere near as strong as you think he is.
JARED: (quietly) He gave in to his grief, let it consume him. John is here today, because WE wouldn't let him go. The real John probably died with his Love years ago.
ANDY: (staring at the couch) The coward...
RITSUKO: So what do you need?
JARED: Nothing. Just some time to fix him.
ANDY: We have all the material we need.
MISATO: (rubbing the bruise where Andy poked her) You said there were stages. Isn't he just going to act wacky like last time?
JARED: About five of them. This is Stage One. Right now the dust is settling. When that's over, with Stage Two begins. John will be awake but he won't be himself. Different personalities will begin to show up at random, John will think he's Batman or Obi-wan Kenobi--
RITSUKO: Who?
ANDY: Or Link or James Bond or a few other major ones. Those ones are the ones we've used repeatedly and so they have a stronger influence. Other lesser influences may make flash appearances, but they are negligible.
MISATO: Is he dangerous then?
JARED: No we tried to make sure he only got influenced by Good Guys. Maybe a few Antiheroes, but no psycho killers. The reason being, John is on the side of Good anyway, but mostly because of Stage Three.
ANDY: The Shadow seizes the opportunity and we get Evil John. We've put in enough Good Guys that he's less Evil per se, and more annoying. Practical jokes and such. He's dangerous then, but he really shouldn't be lethal.
JARED: And then we have Stage Four where John is back in balance. That's when we fix everything. Otherwise he drifts off into Stage Five.
ANDY: And that's when you get to meet the Real John, at least for as long as it takes him to stop breathing.
JARED: He gets suicidal, and if we keep him from anything dangerous, then he simply loses his will to live. He literally chooses to stop his heart and other bodily functions.
MISATO: My God...
JARED: So, if you please, we would like as few interruptions as possible.
RITSUKO: (as if ignoring the past few minutes) Well, while you're sitting around twiddling your thumbs, NERV is in the red. Mostly due to you two assholes leveling the city. So, it's only fitting that you two come up with the money to bring NERV back to black until next quarter. I won't be in touch. (leaves without a glance anywhere)
Misato watches her friend leave, looks at the Goons, looks at John's couch, looks back at the Goons. They are meanwhile watching over John. Misato quietly leaves and finds Ritsuko facing away just a few steps from the door.
MISATO: Ritsuko...
Ritsuko is still facing away silently, but her shoulders drop. Misato reaches out and sets her hand on her best friend's shoulder.
That seemed to be all it took. Ritsuko turned and embraced Misato, head buried in her shoulder.
RITSUKO: Why? Why do I care what happens? Why do I give a damn about him? Why aren't I glad he is miserable at his very core?
MISATO: Because, (patting Ritsuko on the back comfortingly) you're in love, baka.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - THAT EVENING
Misato is back in the Goon's apartment. John is still asleep on the couch. She and Jared are having a beer over the kitchen table.
MISATO: The kids are asleep again too. They woke up about two hours ago, groaning, took some headache medicine, munched on some toast and then went back to bed.
JARED: Ya, they'll be fine for tomorrow I think. I want to put them in the Eva's see if John really got Kensuke able to perform a Kamehameha.
MISATO: Why is he still out though?
JARED: The stages usually last between a few hours to a couple days.
MISATO: And you said one of his personalities is Batman?
JARED: Heh, yeah. When we first realized that John needed a substitute persona to overwrite his depressed state--
MISATO: Can I record this? (rummaging in her coat)
JARED: Sure.
Misato finally finds a small device, activates it, and sets it in the center of the table.
JARED: Well, when we realized John would need something other than his usual gloomy self, we got a little fan-boyish and thought it'd be cool to have a comic book hero for a ... friend. What we didn't realize is that making a hero isn't as easy as they make it look...

EXT.  FLASHBACK - SOUTHEASTERN WASHINGTON STATE - AVERAGE HOUSE - DAY
Chibi Goons put together a sign and then paint "THE DO-NOT-TRY-THIS-AT-HOME HEROES" on it in block letters.
Chibi-John is wearing a red cape and blue pajamas standing on the roof of his house. Chibi-Andy is dressed in a lab coat with a stethoscope and standard issue doctor's bag. Chibi-Jared is inexplicably dressed like a nurse. And not the O.R. scrubs they wear today, these are the old-fashioned fetish style.
CHIBI-JOHN: (Leaping off the roof) Up, Up, and Awaaay!
Chibi-John is halfway to the ground when the scene goes black & white, a big red stamp appears: "DO NOT ATTEMPT."

EXT.  FLASHBACK - HOSPITAL ENTRANCE - DAY
Chibi-John being wheeled out of the hospital with a cast on his leg, and a shaved head for some reason.
CHIBI-JOHN: Mutants and Humans can live together peacefully if we work together. I envision a world where--
The Chibi-Goons have come to a set of stairs.
CHIBI-JOHN: (frowns) Hmmm.
Scene goes black & white and a red stamp hits the screen: "LIMITED ACCESS."

EXT.  FLASHBACK - TRAIN TRACKS IN THE DESERT - DAY
Chibi-John has apparently gotten the use of his legs again (and regrown his hair). He stands on a set of railroad tracks in a black and green suit pointing his fist at an oncoming train. On that hand is a plastic green decoder ring. Chibi-Andy is still dressed as a doctor, Chibi-Jared is dressed normally eating and the ring's former home, a box of Cracker Jacks. Yes, the box. The popcorn treat within has long since been devoured and Chibi-Jared is still hungry.
The train is feet away from Chibi-John before the scene pauses again, stamp obscuring the action: "DO NOT ATTEMPT."

EXT.  FLASHBACK - TRAIN TRACKS IN THE DESERT - MOMENTS LATER
Chibi-Jared and Chibi-Andy are standing near the largest clump of Chibi-John.
CHIBI-ANDY: We can rebuild him, we have the technology. We can make him faster, stronger, better than he was before.
CHIBI-JARED: How much ya got on ya?
CHIBI-ANDY: (rummaging through his pockets) About twenty bucks.
CHIBI-JARED: (frowning) Hmmmm. Lunch?
This time an invoice replaces the screen, the work order is blurred, but the final total due is a whopping $6,000,000.00 then the rubber stamp hits: "$5.43"

EXT.  FLASHBACK - ABADONDED LOT - DAY
Chibi-John's head is in a glass dome on a boxy metal shell. An appropriate Black Sabbath song plays in the background. The robot takes a step forward.
CHIBI-ANDY: We. Have. MECHAAAAAAAA!
Then it starts raining. The joints rust almost instantly, freezing Chibi-Mecha-John in place.
The stamp comes up again, "CHEAPSKATES."
Chibi-Mecha-John is red with rust, Chibi-Jared and Chibi-Andy are carrying a box. Chibi-Andy trips and the contents of the box fly through the air and attach to Chibi-Mecha-John.
CHIBI-JARED: Uh... magnets?
CHIBI-ANDY: My fridge was covered with them. They seemed to have affixed themselves to Mecha John.
Then a Semi trailer passes by and the magnetized shell attaches to the side of the truck. As the Chibi-Goons are shouting "Road trip", the stamp hits in the shape of the road sign for pedestrian crossing.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - SANTA MONICA COAST - DAY
The beach. A pile of rusted metal encrusted with magnets sits in a dumpster. Chibi-John is covered in silver body-paint and is shuffling top-speed towards the end of a pier, carrying a silver colored surf board. Chibi-Jared is hitting up a girl on roller blades at a snack shop while Chibi-Andy is following behind Chibi-John dressed like a life guard.
As Chibi-John jumps off the edge of the pier with his silver surfboard, the stamp hits: "NOT A FLOATATION DEVICE."
We see the bubbles float up where Chibi-John splashed down, then drop to the sea floor where Chibi-John is trying to get out of the ankle strap. The silver paint has washed off showing a green, scale-pattern wetsuit. A large shark swims near, inspecting the struggling Chibi-Goon, John stares intently into the shark's eye. The shark pauses for a moment and then swims away. Chibi-John looks around and shrugs before trying to untangle himself.
From behind Chibi-John the shark returns at top speed, mouth open, jaws extended, eyes rolled back. The stamp hits right before the shark does: "SHARKS DON'T CARE."

INT.  FLASHBACK - TASTEFUL LIVING ROOM - DAY
The Chibi-Goons are closer to home, in fact they are in Chibi-Andy's home. Chibi-Jared is on the phone.
CHIBI-JARED: Yes, Mr. Genoni? I'm fine thanks, we're all fine. Say, does your family have a secret legacy of fighting crime and injustice? Perhaps a ring you mark criminals with? (pause to listen) Ok, how about some kind of lair underneath your house? (pause to listen) Just some boxes. Perhaps your wife is an explorer on an expedition where she sends home cursed artifacts? (pause to listen) Just a manager. (pause to listen) Chicago. (pause to listen) Some snow globes. Cursed snow globes? (pause to listen) Ok, well it was worth a shot asking. (pause to listen) No, it's a little early for beer. (pause to listen) Ok I'll tell him. (pause to listen) You too, sir. Bye.
The stamp hits: "MOST BORING FAMILY EVER."
CHIBI-JARED: Isn't his dad an engineer out at Hanford?

EXT.  FLASHBACK - SECURITY GATE - HANFORD NUCLEAR RESERVATION - DAY
Chibi-Jared is arguing with the patrol.
CHIBI-GUARD: I don't care if he wants superpowers, no one is turning on the K Reactor, it's been decommissioned. Get out of here before I arrest you!
The stamp hits: "ACCESS DENIED."
Chibi-Andy is playing with some critter as they walk back to the car. Chibi-John is asleep in the back.
CHIBI-ANDY: Say, aren't the spider's here radioactive?
CHIBI-JARED: I think so.
Chibi-Andy throws the spider in his hand at the sleeping Chibi-Goon.

INT.  FLASHBACK - HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - NIGHT
Chibi-Jared and Chibi-Andy sit in forlornly in plastic chairs. The stamp hits: "POISONOUS."

EXT.  FLASHBACK - EMPTY LOT - DAY
Chibi-John is wearing a stars & Stripes inspired outfit holding a large red garbage can lid. Captain-Chibi chucks it at a wall, it rebounds and nails him in the forehead. He collapses as the stamp hits: "RETURN TO SENDER."

EXT.  FLASHBACK - BUSY TOWN CENTER - DAY
Chibi-John is now wearing a red outfit, with bandages completely covering his head and eyes. He is carrying a white cane and wanders off as Chibi-Jared and Chibi-Andy argue about something. The camera zooms back a bit to see we're on top of a building. As John steps off the building, the stamp hits: "DO NOT ATTEMPT."

EXT.  FLASHBACK - BACKYARD - DAY
The Chibi-Goons are in someone's backyard, hopefully one of theirs. Chibi-John is in a marked off area, soaking wet it seems with an empty gas can on the ground near him. Nearby is a large barrel that Chibi-Jared seems to be stirring something in. Empty bags nearby suggest it's concrete.
CHIBI-ANDY: Stupid NASA saying they won't send a shuttle into a radiation storm.
CHIBI-JOHN: Never mind that. FLAME ON!
The gasoline ignites and Chibi-John becomes a human bonfire.
CHIBI-JOHN: FLAME OFF! FLAME OFF!
The stamp freezes the scene for a moment: "DO NOT ATTEMPT."
Chibi-Torch-John is still running around (thankfully this is only seconds later). Jared and Andy are hoisting the barrel of concrete and as John passes by, they dump the barrel over him.
CHIBI-ANDY: WOO! PACKERS!
No longer on fire, but now covered in cement, Chibi-John marches to the house to hose himself off.
CHIBI-JOHN: When I get cleaned off, it'll be clobbering time!
He makes it about halfway there. The stamp marks the occasion: "QUICK DRYING."

EXT.  FLASHBACK - BACKYARD - EVENING
Chibi-John is still encased in concrete. Chibi-Jared and Chibi-Andy are arguing.
CHIBI-ANDY: No, fire bad. You saw what happened.
CHIBI-JARED: (holding a bottle of kerosene and a book of matches) It'll just be his head! And a chain we'll wrap around his chest... and the motorcycle...
CHIBI-ANDY: He doesn't even know how to ride a motorcycle!
CHIBI-JARED: You worry too much.
CHIBI-ANDY: (snatches the items from Chibi-Jared) Do I? Let's see what your opinion is!
Chibi-Andy squirts the fluid into Chibi-Jared's hair and tosses in a lit match.
CHIBI-JARED: (stands there tapping his foot, while the fire burns bright) Well?
CHIBI-ANDY: You're determined to not run around screaming, huh?
Chibi-Andy sighs as he reaches for the hose. The stamp hits: "DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE."
CHIBI-JARED: Screw it, let's just pick Batman.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - PRESENT TIME
MISATO: ( O.O ) ... You two are the worst friends a person could possibly have.
JARED: We didn't just use comic books, we also tried some manga early on. Like Ranma 1/2...

EXT.  FLASHBACK - CHINA - WOODED AREA NEAR A LARGE LAKE - DAY
Andy and Jared arguing in Chinese with a military officer.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - PRESENT TIME
JARED: (continuing) Ghost in the Shell.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - HONG KONG - OUTSIDE OF AN ELECTRONICS STORE - DAY
Andy and Jared arguing in Chinese with a police officer.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - PRESENT TIME
JARED: (continuing) Read or Die.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - LONDON - OUTSIDE OF A FANCY LIBRARY - DAY
Andy and Jared arguing in Chinese with a police officer.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - PRESENT TIME
MISATO: ( o.O ) And you eventually found the personalities you wanted?
JARED: Eventually. There are a lot of voices in his head right now; the ones that we've reinforced should be taking control soon. (sips his beer)
MISATO: So... who was she?
JARED: (raises an eyebrow) ...
MISATO: John. You said he lost his Love and that's what messed him up.
JARED: (eyes the recorder for a moment) I never got to formally meet her. But she had meant everything to him, obviously.
MISATO: That one night, when John and Ritsuko got so hammered they slept with each other, (Jared nods) at one point he said he dated a Rose Bride.
JARED: (embarrassed) Well, that was from a phone conversation back in school... He had said he was dating a girl with a sword in her footlocker. She was a fencer, apparently. But when I tried to later remember, it came out as--
MISATO: A sword in her chest. (smiles) So you tried to recreate his years at college using school-based anime?
JARED: I think the Revolutionary Girl input may have had some other side effects though.
MISATO: Like?
JARED: Note that John will often refuse to fight, I think it's because of some twisted memory of Utena's Dueling Club. Like he remembers dating Anthi, but her getting killed in a frivolous duel has made the idea of fighting for anything besides his Life and Freedom an act of insanity.
MISATO: (repeating) He thinks he dated the Rose Bride and that she died in a duel. So he won't fight anymore.
JARED: Something like that. It obviously wasn't intended, but I think it's a way for him to include some of his loss. It's hard to predict what he'll take from what we show him, even if we edit the clips toward a specific goal.
MISATO: For example?
JARED: Well, (pauses to consider something, writes a note in his Mini-MAGI) I don't know if I can use that example.
MISATO: Try it.
JARED: Well, John has never trained under any real master. I know he took some Karate and Fencing classes in college but pretty much everything he knows is literally something he saw on TV.
MISATO: Except his Jedi training. (sip)
JARED: No, even--
MISATO: That's not possible. It's against their religion to have movies made about them. They have some documentation for training purposes, but it's closely guarded. The only way he could have learned anything outside of their Council's supervision is from one of the so-called Grey Masters. (musing) Or a Dark Master. (shrugs, a move Jared keeps careful track of) The point is, no matter how they use the Force, they all agree to keep careful track of who learns it.
Jared makes a few more notes in his Mini-MAGI.
JARED: Meh, I barely understand any of it.
MISATO: So John actually has no original skill. He only thinks he does (sips, frowns, crushes the can) and that's enough to get by for him.
JARED: Well, think back to when you were at the beach; did he seem to know what he was doing? Maybe. But when you fought him, did he act out of reflex or was there some processing time as he tried to dig up what to do?
MISATO: His moves weren't practiced, wasn't part of his body memory. Is that why he meditates for training? To keep the moves fresh in his mind instead of physically doing them?
JARED: I suppose.
MISATO: So what's your story then?
JARED: Didn't Ritsuko tell you?
MISATO: She said you fell in love, got betrayed, and walked away. Only in more words. And sock puppets.
JARED: That upsets me.
MISATO: Why?
JARED: I've been looking all over for those socks!
MISATO: Whatever, Goon. Say, since we're on the subject... what happened in the twelfth?
JARED: I don't want to talk about it.
MISATO: Please?
JARED: It tried to kill me.
MISATO: You were in there for a day and a half. You mini-MAGI didn't even record an atmosphere for you to breathe. By all rights, you should be dead.
JARED: And yet, Andy kisses the shockwaves of high explosives on a daily basis and you know the Hadoken. (takes a sip of beer) What do you expect from me? 'I am as far above you as you are above them?'
MISATO: (sips her beer) Would not being obtuse be the only thing that can kill you?
JARED: I guess the simple explanation is that human language lacks the words to convey the experience. It's the truth that it tried to kill me.
MISATO: More snow.
Jared just shrugs, trying not to look like a haunted man and failing miserably.
JARED: Next question?
MISATO: What's Andy's story?
JARED: Well, after High School I lost track of him. He was better friends with John than me at the time. I think he was going to live with his grandparents over in Minnesota because of a problematic divorce. Hearing him tell it, he was kidnapped by aliens on the way there, then dumped in the woods and kidnapped again by some secret super soldier program.
MISATO: (repeating) Hearing him tell it.
JARED: He made it back home in time for John to get in that fatal car wreck. What he did with his time before then is his business really.
MISATO: Did he seem different to you?
JARED: You mean did he make strange sculptures out of his mashed potatoes or describe elaborate space ships while under hypnosis? I don't think so. He was pretty much the same. Afraid of needles, but to be honest, I'd never seen him around needles before that. (pauses to "think") Oh, and his genophobia became noticeable around that time.
MISATO: So, John thinks he went to college at Ohtori Academy, you killed people for extra credit, and Andy was being used left and right by little green men in black.
JARED: Makes your college years of drinking and sex with Kaji seem pretty tame huh?
MISATO: (lecherous grin) You've never had sex with Kaji.
JARED: (matches Misato's grin) Nor do I plan to, except maybe vicariously.
MISATO: I did tell you to keep your hands off me.
JARED: (still grinning) You'd be amazed what I can do without my hands.
MISATO: (deliberately looks at the crushed can) Grow up.
JARED: Technically, I'm a few years your senior.
MISATO: Then tell me about your experience with Second Impact.
JARED: Wasn't there. And I'm not talking like the front row seat you received, Miss Katsuragi.
MISATO: You're saying you were not on the planet?
JARED: Look, every time one of us says we're from another world we get shot at or medicated. But if I were to lie, you'd just investigate it and not trust us anymore. (fetches Misato another beer) It's very important that we not lie to you; we kind of need you to believe us.
MISATO: Why? (leans forward, despite the alcohol on her breath, her eyes are sharp and focused)
JARED: Damn it. Andy is the Responsible One; he's supposed to be taking care of this kind of thing.
MISATO: Why is it so important for us to trust you three?
JARED: Because, even if we get a little distracted, (vague gesture towards the window) We still have the utmost concern for your well-being.
MISATO: And yet our well-being takes back-seat to you and Andy leveling the city to see who has bigger balls.
JARED: Well, the man is huge, you have to take in proportion to really... Oh... Look, we can look back and see it was a bad idea to do that in the city.
MISATO: Well, that's something. Any other Human could look ahead and see it was never a good idea.
JARED: Okay, okay it was a bad idea from the start! I think the only consolation we can take from that is nearly killing each other boosted our strength greatly. (Conspiratorial look-around) And allowed fresh, reinforced defenses to be installed in place of buildings the JSSDF know by heart.
MISATO: < O_O > You can't be serious...
JARED: (shrugs) Sure they probably watched the reconstruction carefully, but the fact is they have a virtually new city to train for. I'm sure you noticed that NERV was essentially designed to be an easy place to invade if you were a Human. Everyone knew we would have the premiere weapon system in the world, so NERV was supposed to be easy to take over if the Commander went rogue. That was merely supposed to be a safeguard against abuse, but the grand assumption is that NERV is going to be invaded once the last Angel is defeated. So we have to rebuild everything to account for a Human enemy, not just an Angel.
MISATO: Well, the cost of that new city busted NERV. How do you plan to fix it? Every day we get deeper and deeper in debt to people that don't like us anyway.
JARED: (glances at the couch) John could figure something out. I really don't know what Andy and I could do. I mean... I have a few ideas, but nothing on the scale that NERV needs to operate.
MISATO: Like?
JARED: Well, for starters, do you think you and Ritsuko could pull in five million a night dancing on a pole?
MISATO: < -_- > Excuse me?
JARED: See? I could street race, but even at the highest stakes I'd only make maybe ten grand a night. That's what? New toilet paper? No, NERV needs a booster shot. Just enough to last until John comes back. Then he'll yell and hit us and be very angry. And then he'll make things better.
MISATO: (sad look at the couch) How are you going to help him?
JARED: Hmm?
MISATO: Do you guys know about your ki signatures?
JARED: I know Andy's is a mess.
MISATO: He's not the only one.
JARED: (nods) Yeah I figured mine was pretty much in the same shape.
MISATO: And John's?
JARED: (sighs) Yeah... I know it's not a demon. But what do you want me to tell him? "Hey, by the way, your One True Love died because your ki aura drained her already weakened energy. So really, you killed her."
MISATO: I...
JARED: Misato, we may not be doing things right. But it's the only way we can make it work. (stretches) I'll come up with something while we're testing the pilots; Andy's going to stay behind to keep an eye on John.
MISATO: See you at work then. Thanks for the beer.

 *   *   *
TITLE FLASH
NEON GENISIS: GOONVANGELION
EPISODE 10

Crisis of Infinite Identity / Who are You?
*   *   *

INT.  MISATO'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
Cue Misato's theme.
ASUKA: (looking worn) Can't you turn that damn music off?! The same song every damn morning! I'm sick of it!
MISATO: (tugging at her eyelid and sticking out her tongue) I find that a peppy jingle at the start of the day is the perfect way to wake up. Besides it's not my fault you guys have a hangover.
ASUKA: No, it's that Worm's fault!
Misato frowns, then turns down the radio.
ASUKA: (continuing) When I get my hands on him...
SHINJI: Well, he did say it would take us out of commission.
ASUKA: But not for two whole days!
SHINJI: (winces) Not so loud...
ASUKA: Sorry. (hmmphs) And I sure as hell don't feel any different, aside from a massive headache. Shouldn't we at least feel something? I think this is just that sadist's way of screwing us over one more time.
MISATO: Well, it took me almost seven years to master the Hadoken and I'm a natural, if I do say so myself. I think John just wanted to accelerate that time table so you guys could operate your Evas better. I doubt he meant for you to develop ki techniques outside of Eva.
SHINJI: So, we won't actually know if it worked until our synch test later today.
MISATO: I guess so.
ASUKA: (stares into her cereal for a moment) Hey, Misato?
MISATO: Hmm? (sips her second beer)
ASUKA: Would you be willing to train us?
Misato executes a flaw-less spit-take. Pen-Pen finds a rag.
MISATO: What?!
SHINJI: Huh?
ASUKA: Well, fine, maybe not Shinji.
SHINJI: Hey!
MISATO: What do you mean "train you?"
ASUKA: Train me! I want to learn your Ansatsuken style so that I can one day learn the Hadoken! I want to be able to flow through a fight like a Drunken Boxer! I want to learn what you've learned!
MISATO: You're serious?
ASUKA: Yes!
MISATO: And why exactly do you feel the need to learn how to fight like that?
ASUKA: Well... you never know...
MISATO: Asuka, (sighs) one doesn't learn martial arts to my kind of level just to stay in shape or fend off a purse snatcher. It's usually because (pauses) of a specific purpose.
ASUKA: Then why did you learn what you did?

EXT.  FLASHBACK - ROOF OF SCHOOL BUILDING - DAY
Ritsuko and Misato, both wearing high school uniforms, are enjoying this sunny afternoon on the school’s deserted roof. Well, Ritsuko is looking annoyed, and Misato is running towards the chain link fence marking the edge of the roof.
MISATO: Trust me, Ritsu-puu, I saw this in that movie I was telling you about!
RITSUKO: (mumbles something under her breath, then yells) Mis-chan, if you’re going to do something dangerous like this, at least do it under supervision! (normal voice) Or away from that crazy school nurse.
We don’t get to see what Misato was about to do, because Ninja appear from everywhere at that moment, popping out of the access door, springing up from behind HVAC equipment, dropping out of the clear blue sky, scaling the fence, etc., as ninja are wont to do. Misato skids to a halt. Ritsuko appears oddly unsurprised, shifting her stance subtly, one hand automatically resting on a well-concealed lightsaber.
MISATO: (smirks) Hmm... Ninja.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - STREET IN FRONT OF SCHOOL BUILDING - SOME TIME LATER
Misato is half-collapsed on the sidewalk, bleeding from a number of wounds, most noticeably from her right hand, which is wrapped in a bit of cloth taken from her already undersized shirt. Ritsuko, looking grim and puzzled at the same time, turns off her lightsaber and stows it.
The main school building, already on fire, collapses.
MISATO: That was cool... but... ouch.

INT.  MISATO’S APARTMENT - PRESENT TIME
MISATO: (sweating) Well, ah, that's kind of personal and it's not really relevant right now.
ASUKA: Oh, come on. Please?
MISATO: (still evasive) The truth is I'm not really qualified to train you in either style. I wouldn't know where to begin. You have to find someone with experience teaching, who knows the basics inside and out. I'm... (embarrassed) actually pretty sloppy when it comes to my technique.
ASUKA: You're saying I have to find some kind of master to learn from? Like who? That pervert!?
SHINJI: (whimpers) Volume down please...
ASUKA: Sorry, Shinji-kun. (back to Misato) It's bad enough you're letting him train us to be Eva pilots, but saying I'd have to actually become his student is too much!
MISATO: (shrugs) Well, there are a few masters of different styles around NERV. But your Eva training comes first, Asuka.
SHINJI: (stands) Thanks for breakfast. I think I'm going to head down to the training room and see if I can warm up before Waddell gets there.
ASUKA: (stands as well) I'll come with you. (gives Misato one last look)
Misato merely shrugs helplessly.

EXT.  OUTSIDE GOONS' APARTMENT - SAME TIME
Just as Shinji and Asuka leave, so do Jared and Rei from their respective homes.
JARED: Good morning!
REI: is on--genoni-san already at nerv?
JARED: John is... unavailable at the moment. Besides, I'm going to be running you kids ragged to make up for the lost time from his latest stunt.
SHINJI: (presses the elevator button) Stunt? You don't think we've gained anything from what happened?
JARED: Well, we'll know for certain if Kensuke and Toji have any progress on the Eva field. Otherwise it was just a big waste of time.

INT.  ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER
Asuka puts Shinji between Jared and herself. A few floors pass by.
ASUKA: ... Train me.
JARED: Isn't that what we're doing?
ASUKA: In martial arts.
Rei blinks.
SHINJI: Isn't he doing that?
ASUKA: No baka, he's providing conditioning, honing a fighting instinct, and providing some very basic movements.
SHINJI: And that's not--
ASUKA: No it's not! (sympathetic look when Shinji winces) He's teaching you how to fight in the Evas. I want him to teach me how to fight, period.
The elevator dings and the small group of pilots exit and begin the trek to NERV.

EXT.  STREET ON THE WAY TO NERV - MOMENTS LATER
JARED: Why?
ASUKA: What does it matter why?!
JARED: There are rules in the martial arts Asuka--rules which seem backwards, archaic, even pointless, but rules nonetheless. There are reasons for such rules. Do you understand?
ASUKA: Yes.
JARED: (dangerous look) Well, my rules require me to ask you one thing, then.
ASUKA: Ask away!
JARED: Are you ready?
ASUKA: Ready for what?
Jared grabs a business suit-clad bystander, putting him into a choke hold before anyone else so much as blinks.
JARED: (clinical voice) On average, the lungs contain enough fresh air to provide oxygen to the brain for ninety seconds. After that is used up, residual oxygen in the blood stream will continue to keep the brain functional for another thirty seconds. At this time, permanent damage occurs, accelerating rapidly.
ASUKA: What are you--?
JARED: LISTEN! (back to clinical voice) If the body is under stress, oxygen is depleted at a faster than normal rate. Perhaps thirty seconds of good air will be in the lungs in that case.
ASUKA: What--
JARED: What you are going to do, Asuka, is follow my commands. Consider this a test. My first commands given to you as a real master to his real student.
ASUKA: (looks at the sariman) Which are?
JARED: Take off your panties and throw them to me.
ASUKA: I can't do that!
JARED: Then he dies.
Asuka assumes a fighting stance.
JARED: Attack me, and so do you.
ASUKA: I'm not playing games with you! I--I literally can't do that!
JARED: Explain.
ASUKA: What--you--I--
JARED: Forty-five seconds.
ASUKA: (finally yells) I'm not wearing panties!
Silence. And stares. Shinji eventually tears his eyes away from Asuka to glare at Jared, though he looks like he's considering the whole confrontation some kind of nightmare he's just waiting to wake up from.
JARED: (as if stating the obvious) Well, go get some.
ASUKA: (aghast) What? Now?
JARED: Pick a store and be quick about it. Put them on, take them off... you can do it.
It turns out it is possible for Asuka to look even angrier.
JARED: Thirty seconds.
Shinji drops into a fighting stance, but makes no move to attack. Before he's put up his fists, Asuka is across the street, darting into a lingerie store. Yes, there was a lingerie store within walking distance from the apartments the entire time.
JARED: (to Shinji, conversationally) Was she like this at breakfast?
SHINJI: (still in combat stance, conversationally) Yeah. She, uh... asked Misato to train her.
JARED: (partially to himself) But Misato doesn't consider herself a teacher.
SHINJI: Basically, yeah.
JARED: That's only because she's never tried. She'd be good at it, I think. She should try. All it takes is practice.
SHINJI: Have you ever taught anyone? I mean, before us?
JARED: (carefully neutral expression) A few times.
Before Shinji can probe for more answers, Asuka returns. Her hair is loose and wind-blown, her clothes rumpled. A pair of pink frilly things are clenched in her hand, the price tag flapping in the air as she comes to a halt before the pervert.
JARED: Five.
Asuka rips the tag off.
JARED: Four.
Asuka yanks on the panties, watching the street for any... well, any additional perverts.
JARED: Three.
Asuka rips them off quickly, revealing nothing, and cocks her arm back.
JARED: Two.
Asuka throws the bit of clothing so fast that the elastic makes a snapping sound as it flies towards Jared's face.
JARED: (as he releases his hostage) One.
The businessman gasps and begins to fall. Jared's hand appears before his face, catching the underwear. The man hits the ground, desperate for breath. Shinji watches the scene carefully. Asuka stands as though a statue, glaring at Jared. Without looking at what's in his hand, Jared lowers it, meeting Asuka's glare.
JARED: (voice of the Ancient Master) You have promise.
He turns away from her, looks at the panties, then tosses them--over his shoulder--back to Asuka.
JARED: (Wagon train-style) To NERV!
ASUKA: (furious) TRAIN ME, YOU SICK FUCK!
JARED: (spins around and spears his head into Asuka's personal space) LISTEN! Has doing the Vulcan Mind Meld with John warped your fucking brain too?! Being a martial artist is about dedication! We sit under waterfalls in the winter time wearing nothing but a bath robe! We smash our bodies into stone and brick! We re-cast ourselves as killing machines! A martial artist is but a moral code away from being a mass murderer. If you don't worship that code, you're nothing more than a machine of death! I know that better than anyone!
He leans in close and begins almost whispering to Asuka like a conspirator.
JARED: And didn't you enjoy that, just a little bit? Didn't you love knowing someone else’s life was in your hands? Didn’t you love the power that gave you? There's so much about being a martial artist that a psychopath would consider fun, you know. So much a normal person would shirk away from. But you aren’t like them, are you? You aren’t... weak.
Asuka's eyes shift quickly to the man having a panic attack while trying to use a nearby building for support, then return to Jared's face.
ASUKA: (quietly) I hate you. I've hated you since the moment you arrived. You were a selfish pervert then, and you’re a selfish pervert now. Sure, you've taught us and looked after us, sometimes. But you don’t really care about us, do you? You’re just a monster with human skin, rotten inside.
She steps past him and grabs Shinji's arm. The boy pretends to just realize she's there, but continues ignoring Jared.
ASUKA: (without looking at Jared) Don't bother me with your (spits the word out) code.
Asuka drags Shinji behind her as she stalks away. Jared stands there, watching them passively. Then he shrugs, places two fingers to his forehead, and disappears.

EXT.  STREET ON THE WAY TO NERV - MOMENTS LATER
A few blocks down the road, Asuka wipes at her face, cursing at some non-existent dust.
SHINJI: Asuka, are you okay?
The red head continues her chin-up, level gaze, mechanical march.
ASUKA: Fine. I'm just fine, Shinji.

INT.  PILOT TRAINING ROOM #2 - LATER
Jared stands before the Children, barefoot with black gi pants and a white tank-top. The Children are in gray NERV-issue T-shirts, with the boys in black shorts and the girls electing to wear their gi pants (red for Asuka, white for Rei) over the otherwise mandatory bloomers. Jared grins as the Eva pilots stretch on their own for a little bit.
Then he whips out a megaphone.
JARED: ALL RIGHT, MAGGOTS!
The high volume, coupled with the echo from the room, do not do the Children's headaches any favors.
JARED: (still into the megaphone) DO NOT THINK THAT JOHN'S LITTLE PRESENT IS GOING TO IMPRESS ME. I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA OF YOUR COMBAT TRAINING NOW!
Toji, covering his ears, can't take the noise anymore and charges Jared. For his trouble, Jared clocks him with the megaphone then smirks at the rest of the pilots almost daring them to try the same thing. Kensuke makes some placating gestures as he grabs Toji and drags him back to the line.
JARED: (still in the megaphone) YOUR TRAINING WILL NOW CONSIST OF CONDITIONING, BASICS, COMBAT DRILLS, AND IF I FEEL GENEROUS I MIGHT LET YOU CLIMB INTO AN EVA AND DO AKIRA TORIYAMA A GREAT DISHONOR BY CRAPPING OUT A KAMEHAMEHA. NOW! START RUNNING!

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - SAME TIME
Andy is playing video games while John remains unconscious on the couch. A controller rests in John's limp hands, yet somehow, Andy is still losing. The round ends and Andy leaps to his feet and starts making unflattering accusations about John's ancestry, then not receiving a response sighs and sits back down.
ANDY: You know... it would really be something if we could have the old John back. I mean sure, you probably wouldn't know how to fight, or do those cool Jedi things, or even drive as well. But you'd be back. We wouldn't have to worry about things like this, you know? (sighs again) Maybe you'll just sleep through the stages and make things easy.
Not likely.
Andy turns back to the TV. John silently sits up. His hands grasp the controller.
On the screen, Andy's cyborg character is in a massive driving combo that plows through John's pirate but sends himself over the edge. Andy curses again as the final round comes up. Cautiously, this time, the cyborg prepares to just jab a victory. That's when the pirate explodes into an unforgivably brutal combo that puts the fear of God into the game console.
ANDY: (turning to look up) You're finally awake!
John grins at Andy, and then stands.
ANDY: Ok, (stands up) listen, I'm not sure who you think you are right now, but it's very important that we don't leave the apartment yet, ok?
John nods, then starts looking around.
ANDY: You know who I am, right?
John smiles and nods.
ANDY: (thinking) He's not speaking... It might be the Hero. One way to be sure. (out loud) Your glasses are on the couch, remember to wear them.
John looks at the couch then picks up the glasses and holds them over his head triumphantly. John then puts them in his pocket first before taking them out and putting them on his face.
ANDY: (thinking) Yep, Hero. (out loud) Go ahead and look around the apartment; I have to make a phone call.
John nods and starts wandering the apartment, examining everything. Andy activates his Mini-MAGI and after a few presses, Jared answers.
JARED: (voice) Yeah?
ANDY: John's up. Hero.
JARED: (voice) It's going to be tricky keeping him in the apartment then.
ANDY: I have to go before he collects all of our stuff.
JARED: (voice) Keep me posted.
John returns from his room with bulging pockets and wearing his leather jacket. He looks questioningly at Andy.
ANDY: (firmly) No. No adventures. And take off that Jacket, it's eighty-five degrees outside.
John pouts.
ANDY: No. And whatever you have in your pockets, put it back too. You can't go outside. If anyone recognizes you there will be trouble.
John smiles brightly.
ANDY: It's not a mini-game!
John pouts again.
ANDY: Ok, I have one for you. How about you clean up the apartment, if you can beat the standing record, I'll give you a prize. Ready?
John nods manically.
ANDY: Go!

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - SAME TIME
As Misato enters the bridge, Ritsuko seems to be leaving.
RITSUKO: Genoni's awake, come on.
MISATO: Huh?
RITSUKO: We were monitoring the Goon's Mini-MAGI. Mucha just called Waddell.
MISATO: Hang on! What are we going to do?
RITSUKO: Not let those incompetent assholes mess him up any further. He needs psychological help, not a bunch of cartoons.
MISATO: Dr. Akagi, stop!
RITSUKO: Is that an order, Major?
MISATO: It's a plea. This is first time I've seen those two so serious and worried about something. I think getting involved will cause irreversible damage to Pilot Genoni and as Operations Commander, the pilots fall under my responsibility.
RITSUKO: I can't trust them to fix him.
MISATO: Who else can?
Ritsuko just stares at her old friend. The truth is always the hardest thing to live with.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
John frowns at the small bag of potato chips presented by Andy. He rubs two fingers together.
ANDY: What? All you did was clean the apartment, and you didn't come anywhere near the record time, so be grateful.
John frowns and ducks back into his room, returning with the two pieces of his Master Sword broken in his duel with Ritsuko. He offers them.
ANDY: You want me to re-forge the sword.
John nods.
ANDY: I can't. And you still aren't allowed outside.
John assumes a thinking pose for a moment and then flexes his arm.
ANDY: No, it's not that you're not strong enough for out there. Look, monsters aren't wandering the streets; you'll find it very boring.
John frowns and makes a series of gestures.
ANDY: I get it, you want to help people. (John nods) But the fact remains that we can't let you outside.
John's eyebrows rise for a second as if realizing something, then lower menacingly.
ANDY: I am not your jailer! I'm stuck here too!
John points at Andy and then makes a gesture as if cradling something.
ANDY: (throws his hands up) Yes! I'm babysitting you.
John stamps his foot.
ANDY: I know, damn it! Look we got plenty of video games, food, and all the anime you could hope for. Just deal with it. Pretend it's a cut-scene you can't skip.
John frowns then sulks over to the couch. Andy sits down and turns on a game. John stands up and starts wandering the apartment again.
ANDY: The door is locked, so is the balcony and the windows. Just... relax.
John sighs, then begins heading for the couch. At the last second, he dashes for the bust of Shigero Miyamoto, activates the button within and dives into the hidden Goon Pole closet.
ANDY: (rushing to activate the John Woo bust) Damn it!

INT.  PILOT TRAINING ROOM #2 - MOMENTS LATER
Jared is leading the Children in drills when Andy falls out of a panel in the ceiling and lands on him.
JARED: (shrugging Andy off him) Explanation. NOW!
ANDY: Uh... (glances at he kids then performs a bizarre set of hand signs)
JARED: You don't know sign language.
ANDY: Speak Klingon?
JARED: No.
KENSUKE: I do!
ANDY: Elvish?
JARED: No.
KENSUKE: I do!
ANDY: Japanese?
Jared just gives Andy a look. The other pilots snicker.
ANDY: (glares at the row) Would you get them out of the room so I can tell you that John's escaped!
JARED: Sure. Kids, please go into another room so Andy can tell me that John has--WHAT?! You were supposed to keep an eye on him!
ANDY: I did! You know what kind of wanderlust he gets in Hero-mode!
JARED: How did he get out?!
ANDY: He took the Goon Pole, I tried to follow him and I ended up here.
JARED: Of all the-- (glances at the staring Children) Why are you guys still here?
REI: where is genoni-san?
JARED: That's what we're trying to figure out.
REI: i will look for him.
JARED: (to Andy) Tell me you got him to wear his Mini-MAGI.
ANDY: Yes, actually.
JARED: Well, some good news at last. We have to find him before he changes into something less predictable.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - RANDOM STREET CORNER - MOMENTS LATER
On the surface, John is smiling at an old lady who is marking on a city map where to deliver the basket of eggs she just handed him.

INT.  NERV - RANDOM CORRIDOR - MOMENTS LATER
Jared and Andy wait for the elevator. They are deliberately ignoring the pilots standing behind them. The elevator doors open with Misato and Ritsuko already occupying.
MISATO: Why is Genoni zipping around the city like some drunken pinball?
ANDY: Hmm, he's already started the chain.
RITSUKO: What chain?
JARED: (grins mysteriously) What indeed?
The elevator doors close, and by the time Misato gets them open again the pair has already teleported away. Misato waves in the Children impatiently.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - OUTSIDE OF AN OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Jared and Andy wait by the main entrance, looking impatient. Soon John exits.
JARED: John!
John turns and waves at Jared.
JARED: So... what's up?
John holds up an envelope and taps his city map on a new spot. He then nudges his head in the general direction of that spot.
ANDY: Well, what great evil must you vanquish this time?
John boggles for a moment and then shrugs, shaking his head. He looks around for a moment and then from a scabbard strapped to his back that no one seems to care about, he draws the broken Master Sword. He sighs sadly at the broken blade and then sheathes it again.
ANDY: So you think someone in town will be able to re-forge the blade and you hope to come across them as you run errands for people.
John shrugs, but grins all the same.
JARED: Well, may we join you? Maybe since you're incapable of using a phone book--
ANDY: Jared!
JARED: I'm just saying that these RPG's have heroes doing it the hard way and lazy NPC's who can't do anything for themselves.
John frowns then points to the letter and flexes.
JARED: How are you getting stronger? This barely counts as exercise!
John smirks and holds up two fingers.
ANDY: Two levels? Like DBZ power "levels" or like "Level" 45 Ranger?
John just smirks again.
ANDY: Look, we need to keep an eye on you right now, for... entertainment purposes.
John holds up one finger then smiles. Then he holds up three fingers and frowns.
ANDY: No, I think we share experience, we don't split it.
John assumes a thinking pose, then nods and cheers silently. Victory music can be heard as a car drives by with its window down. Then he looks at the envelope and taps his mouth, glaring at the new party members.
JARED: Fine, we'll let you do the talking. (blinks) Wait. What?

INT.  NERV - MAIN LOBBY - SAME TIME
Ritsuko and Misato are in the lobby with the Children finishing their explanation of the events.
MISATO: --And so we're trying to find John and make sure he doesn't make any more havoc than usual.
REI: genoni-san does not act like that.
MISATO: Not normally, but this is hardly a normal situation. Besides, if the other two are out there looking for him.
Ritsuko double-checks her Mini-MAGI.
MISATO: (stands next to Ritsuko) So, what do you think? Two adults, five--
Ritsuko crouches and leaps across traffic onto a passing car, then jumps to another and another and disappears around a corner.
MISATO: < -_-# > --Children... (glances back at the pilots) Damn it, where is Kaji when you need him?
KAJI: (from out of no where) Is there a damsel in distress?
MISATO: Where the Hell have you been?!
KAJI: (in a quoting voice) From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking back and forth on it.
REI: job 1:7.
MISATO: (sniffs) Have you been smoking?
KAJI: Uh, (rubs the back of his head) Well, you caught me. Old habits die hard, you know.
MISATO: Never mind, take the boys; we're looking for Genoni and the other two. John isn't quite himself though so watch yourself.
KAJI: Your command is my wish, Katsuragi-chan.
MISATO: (leading the girls off) Have Shinji co-ordinate with the rest of us since you don't have a Mini-MAGI. We'll try to box Genoni in without alarming him so much that he teleports.
KAJI: (after Misato leaves) Someone want to fill me in on what I missed?
KENSUKE: (suspicious look) You don't smoke. At least not tobacco.
KAJI: Oh?
KENSUKE: Yeah, it smells more like flash powder than something meant to be inhaled.
KAJI: Really?
KENSUKE: In fact, given your silent entrance, the smells, and that you are very unnoticeable unless you want to be, I'd say you're some kind of ninja. Perhaps from the Imperial Secret Police, which would be cool because your organization has been around for centuries. But then, that'd mean you've sworn yourself to the Japanese Government, so you're really spying on NERV. Oh wow! A real spy! Do you have a license to kill?
KAJI: You're an inquisitive one, aren't you?
TOJI: Just ignore him; he thinks our teacher is boring because NERV told him to make it easy on the Pilots so that school could be some downtime.
SHINJI: Uh, Kaji? We should be going.
KAJI: Yes, of course.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - SOMEWHERE - LATER
JARED: It's been six stops! When does this end?
John shrugs.
ANDY: Do you feel funny?
JARED: Hmm?
ANDY: Well, we've been zipping and teleporting around town for thirty minutes, but I don't actually feel weaker for it.
JARED: Neither do I.
John hands a little girl a stick of gum and gets a shiny rock in return. John holds the rock up like it's his new god. A passing bicyclist thumbs the bell on his handlebars with an audible "Ding."
JARED: < o_O > Ok now I feel weird.
John grins at Jared.
JARED: So...
John makes a sleeping gesture and then flexes.
JARED: Of course. Sleeping will make me stronger. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, because it's stupid! (to Andy) He's never stayed in one personality for this long before.
ANDY: It's this quest to restore his sword; I think it's anchoring him in Hero-mode. I don't think he's going to advance until it's done to satisfaction.
JARED: (Impish Grin) Oh, REALLY?
Several minutes later. The Goons stand on the docks near a small wooden boat that looks like a throwback to the era of Greek sailing. A serpent head is even carved into the wooden bow.
JARED: Yes, I am sure this is a good idea!
ANDY: For the last time, we are not letting him leave the country in this condition!
Meanwhile, John has convinced the owner of the boat that a pair of shoes is just what he needs to grant the three the use of his boat for the day. John turns to his comrades with a smile and offers them two long rods.
JARED: (taking the equipment) Thanks.
ANDY: (ditto) Thanks dude. Anyway, there's no way in hell I'm letting him on that boat!
JARED: (considering the...) Fishing pole? We're going fishing? WHAT KIND OF RPG IS THIS?!
But John is climbing aboard the boat already.
ANDY: Whoa! Wait up!
Quickly, the pair boards.

EXT.  SMALL BOAT - MOMENTS LATER
John pilots the boat a few hundred yards into Tokyo bay, then drops his line. Jared shrugs and follows suit.
JARED: When in Rome...
ANDY: Turn this boat around right this instant!
JARED: Hey, we could be worse off, you know.
ANDY: How? How could it possibly get--
JARED: (tackling Andy) Don't say it!
Possibly too late, John's pole dips slightly. John's face lights up with a determined grin. Jared gets off of Andy to encourage John as the pole suddenly bends into a U. Whatever is on the line switches directions and tries to pull John out of the boat. Andy and Jared manage to grab John before he's yanked out of his seat and hold him down. The boat begins to spin and tip as whatever beast from the depths drags the boat with it towards deeper water.
ANDY: (to Jared) Start the engines! (to John) Any chance you're gonna just let this go?
John spares Andy a look of fierce determination.
ANDY: Didn't think so. Jared! We don't want to fight this thing in deep water!
JARED: I know that! But this is the Yugo of fishing boats! Even if I had the time and the tools to mod the engine we'd still be under powered here.
ANDY: What about the [Parts] and [Tool Kit] John got earlier? And then you could power it with the [S2 Core] he made. (pause, blink) What the hell did I just say?
JARED: Someone has to steer the boat and I don't have any plans to work from!
ANDY: I think I could sketch something out but if I let go, John will go over!
The Destructive Duo share a look and then nod.
ANDY & JARED: TRI-FORM!
Two of the Andys secure John while the third starts reproducing an electrical engine schematic from memory. Meanwhile, one of the Jareds opens the hatch to the engine room while the other grabs the bag John has been stuffing all manner of objects into during his adventure. Andy hands the plans over and helps take apart the old abused diesel. From the bag, Jared pulls out the [Parts] which by strange coincidence are the exact parts he'd need to modify the engine. The trio of clones set about making the repairs and adjustments.
Of course to work on the engine, it must be off, and if it's off, then there's nothing to even try to slow whatever was pulling them into deep water. It does so with gusto and the Goons find themselves outside of the bay. Ominously, the taut line goes slack.
ANDY-CLONE 1: Did it break the line?
John frowns and shakes his head. Then he stands up and sets the fishing pole in a holster on the side of the boat. Then he points down.
ANDY-CLONE 2: (eyes widen) IT'S COMING UP FROM UNDERNEATH US!
JARED-CLONE 3: Ten minutes!
ANDY-CLONE 1: We'll be dead in ten seconds!
ANDY-CLONE 3: Not an option!
The water around the boat starts bubbling and swelling up, displaced by the giant rushing up beneath them.

EXT.  FAMILIAR BEACH - SOME TIME LATER
Months ago, John used this strip of sand as a training ground, and then a war of fanatical loyalists fought here. Since then a little girl found a sea shell that looked just like the cat from Tri-Gun and no less than four samurai wannabes dueled to the death. And now there was a giant fish beached on the shore. This thing rivaled oil tankers for size and tonnage.
Following the signal from the Mini-MAGI's, Ritsuko, Misato, Kaji and the Children stand upwind of the corpse.
MISATO: Well, the Americans will be glad to know we've caught what bit one of their subs in half.
KAJI: Was it an Angel?
RITSUKO: No, just an anomaly, a mutation from the energy of Second Impact and more than a few radioactive islands now underwater.
ASUKA: So the Goons are inside that thing?
MISATO: Yep.
SHINJI: Any plans to get them out?
RITSUKO: Nope.
TOJI: Anyone else hungry?
KAJI: Yep.
ANDY: (standing behind the group) Typical, giant fish washes ashore and the only thing you Japs can think of is to eat the damn thing. I hope you cook it first.
Some of the Children jump, but the rest are far too used to this kind of crap. Misato's contribution is to blow a raspberry at the Goon.
RITSUKO: And where are Genoni and Waddell?
ANDY: John is on his way back to NERV. Say Misato, think you could launch an Eva and fillet this thing with a prog knife?
MISATO: That's up to the Commander to order.
ANDY: Well, John seemed to want this to be sort of a village get-together. Fresh kill, massive bon fire, that sort of thing. Sort of a friendly gesture from NERV to the city.
RITSUKO: Say "sort of" again, idiot.
ANDY: (frowns) Bitch.
MISATO: (stepping between the two) Ok ok, enough. John's at NERV, we go to NERV. If Science division declares the fish edible, then I'll send Asuka up to fillet the thing and we'll send the meat to any sushi restaurant that will take it.
ANDY: Why the change of heart?
Misato opens her mouth, but then just waves everyone to the Mini-Van from Hell.

INT.  NERV - RAW MATERIALS PROCESSING ROOM - LATER
JARED: Ok, so you run all kinds of errands around town, getting all sorts of things that other people seem to want, and it all comes down to renting a boat so you can fish for a giant shark no one has seen before that just happened to have eaten part of a secret American submarine carrying a load of special alloy that you will now smelt and use in forging a new a novelty sword you got from a catalog. Is that about all?
John holds up five fingers and flexes.
JARED: (rolls his eyes) Of course, the five levels you'll gain during your mid-day nap. John, have you any experience with this equipment? Do you know what you're doing?
John smirks and shows Jared a scroll still bearing the seal of the Hiroshi Family.
JARED: ... You have ancient sword-making techniques on a scroll given to you by the local ice cream man. This day just reached record levels of random.
John grins.
JARED: You know if Andy ever gets a good look at that he'll memorize every brush stroke.
John shrugs and drags several long beams out of the ordinary looking duffel bag.
JARED: Need any help?
John takes another look at the heavy materials then at the machinery. He mulls it over then shakes his head, holds up one finger, points to himself, flexes his arm, holds up the broken blade and then points to himself again.
JARED: I understand. I'll just be over there at the workbench if you need me.
John nods and prepares to make his blade.

INT.  PILOT BRIEFING ROOM - LATER
Ritsuko stands in the corner while Misato lectures the Children seated around the room. Andy is sitting away from the other Children.
MISATO: Dr. Akagi considers this a waste of time. I however want to see if putting NERV at risk by taking the majority of its pilots out of commission was worth it. I don't care if you were made out of awesome, having only three pilots on hand jeopardized everyone. You pilots are Humanity's only line of defense against the Angels. As soon as Genoni is himself again he's going to get a thorough chewing out. (keeps the stern, disapproving look for a few more moments) That said; let's see what you can do.
The pilots stand to leave when Jared teleports in near Andy.
ANDY: (sighs) Don't tell me.
JARED: Yep.
RITSUKO: (glaring) You lost him again?!
ANDY: Dude, you were right there.
JARED: He finished, held up the sword, did a little victory jig, sheathed it, then changed and left. There was nothing I could do.
ANDY: Goon pole?
JARED: Yeah.
SHINJI: Excuse me, but can't you just teleport to him?
ANDY: No, because depending on who he is, his energy signature changes. Jared obviously didn't get a good impression of it or else he'd have just called in the change and teleported to follow.
MISATO: What the hell is a Goon Pole?
Jared and Andy share a look, then shrug.
ANDY: Plot hole.
RITSUKO: Don't start with that anime crap again.
JARED: Improbability translocation system.
TOJI: < o_0 > Ah buh wha?
ANDY: Applied quantum mechanics.
RITSUKO: Impossible.
JARED: (correcting) Improbable.
ANDY: When the need arises, we access the network of Goon poles which can take us anywhere; there is a high probability that we will end up where we are needed, a good chance of where we want to be, and an even lesser chance of ending up where we have no business being. Only we can access this network, so... it's the Goon Poles.
KENSUKE: Why poles?
ANDY: Because Batman is awesome.
RITSUKO: (holding her head) Good God, it hurts to even be near you guys these days.
MISATO: (also under duress apparently) Just... find Genoni. Pilots prepare for launch.
ANDY: (to Jared) You're still up.
JARED: Why?
ANDY: Because I've watched him all morning. And I need to test Unit-04. The damn thing has been finished for weeks now and I haven't had a chance to break it in.
JARED: Damn it, he could be anywhere, or anyone.
ANDY: Well, try the police station; odds are good he's some kind of crime fighter. Or, here's an idea, Mini-MAGI.

EXT.  ROOFTOP OVER LOOKING A SUSHI BAR - LATER
Jared climbs up onto the roof and approaches a crouched figure. A long black duster jacket ruffles in the breeze and a face partially covered by a bandanna angles slightly to visually acknowledge Jared.
JARED: Ah, great. I had a hunch it was you when I came across that trail of tied up purse-snatchers and remains of vicious alley fights. And then there was that cat burglar...
Flash to a woman in a vinyl cat suit and mask tied up S&M bondage style, purring.
BAT-JOHN: (rough gravel Batman voice) I... was going to come back and handle that one.
JARED: Let me guess, the thugs you found finally spilled the location of their leader and now you're waiting for the right moment to strike at a Yakuza boss?
BAT-JOHN: (grunts) Are you here to help or are you here to get in my way?
JARED: Look, I'm just here to keep an eye on you. I'm normally all for roughing up gangsters--
BAT-JOHN: (handing Jared a black cloth) Then here.
JARED: (looks at the bandanna) I didn't finish. (shrugs) So I just tie it here? And now I can't--oh ok there are the eye holes. Hey, are my eyes whited out now like yours?
BAT-JOHN: ... Are you sure you're up to this?
JARED: Shouldn't I get a nifty hero name?
BAT-JOHN: Didn't you get a ninja name?
JARED: Nah, I only completed Basic Ninjitsu, mostly assassination stuff. You have to take Intermediate to get a ninja name and learn all the stealth tricks. Then Advanced is all the chakra techniques and Elemental affinity. Mostly I was just called, "Oh shit, it's Him!" Though to the ladies I was--
BAT-JOHN: (interrupting) Time to move.
Bat-John dives off the edge of the building and fires off a grappling hook. Jared merely shrugs and jumps after.

EXT.  EVANGELION TESTING AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Misato is on the surface in an observation tower. Holographic communication panels hover around her along with recording data that is meaningless to the Tactical Commander. Asuka remains in her usual red female plug suit. Rei, as always, in white. Shinji's plug suit is still the blue and black affair with white chest piece. Toji's is the Navy-blue and black number he wore in canon. Kensuke seems to have gotten a hold of a smaller version of John's olive and black Air Force-inspired plug suit.
MISATO: Kensuke, time to get used to Unit-09. Toji will be launching first with Shinji, then Rei with Asuka and finally you will launch.
ASUKA: And the Maniac?
MISATO: Andy will be on the surface the whole time in Unit-04. He will also serve as a model for whatever you plan to try out there.
KENSUKE: If Jared and John are gone, then why aren't Units 03 and 06 available?
MISATO: Unit-03 has a massively different interface than the rest of the Evas. We don't have time to have you un-learn the 03 way of doing things. And 06 is still under lock-down.
KENSUKE: You can't unlock it?
MISATO: (firmly) It's under lock-down.
MAYA: Unit-04 is now active.
Andy's screen pops up. He still is wearing the black and red Mad Max plug suit.
ANDY: Ah, I love the smell of new entry plug. Smells like... (inhales) blood.
MISATO: < o_O;; > Uh... yeah...
ANDY: < ^_^ > Say it, you know you want to.
MISATO: Prepare to launch Unit-04.
MAKOTO: Preparing to launch Unit-04.
MISATO: Launch Unit-04.
MAKOTO: Launching Unit-04.
ANDY: Hey, that's not how--OOF!
From her vantage point, Misato watches the elevator reach the surface. The door slides open, and after the final locks are released the new Unit-04 steps out into the sunshine.
Oh boy.
Gone is the chrome, replaced with a dull gray like you'd find on a naval warship. Its mechanical wing system has also been removed, as well as most of the Predator-style equipment. In its place is a new set of armor that seems to serve a very limited purpose. That being to help the Eva wield a titanic multi-barreled cannon and store the ammunition for said weapon.
MISATO: (sarcastic) Great. First, custom-built armor for mounting a rail gun. Now, custom-built armor to mount a Gatling gun. What other monuments to subtly do you plan on building with NERV's money?
ANDY: Hey! Ex-nay on the ail gun-ray!
KENSUKE: You guys have a rail gun?!
SHINJI: Had. It kind of blew up the last time it was used.
ANDY: (poses) But we REBUILT it!
MISATO: (sighs) Look, Mucha, I can appreciate fire support as much as the next grunt, but do you really think that gun has any chance of scratching an Angel?
RITSUKO: It's a compound flechette round designed for penetration--not a blunted slug like the palette rifles use. Fires an obscene number of bullets. Even if an Angel can stand up to a couple of hundred hits, even getting winged with this thing will probably overwhelm it. Unless, of course, we get attacked by an insanely powerful Angel next time.
MISATO: A Super Vulcan... But wait, I thought--
RITSUKO: It's not even remotely as powerful as the rail gun. The rail gun exploded because of shoddy workmanship and three different power sources overloading the weapon while firing a standard shell.
MISATO: Bottom line, is Andy wasting my time?
ANDY: Hey!
RITSUKO: Do I really have to answer that? (sighs) Based on combat data from the previous angels, if the enemy's AT-Field is completely neutralized, then yes, the Super Vulcan will do substantial damage to an Angel. Otherwise it's a good distraction.
MISATO: And the Armor?
RITSUKO: The armor should protect the ammunition stored within, and there is light B-type armor underneath to protect the Eva in case of a breach. He can't go into melee combat with it on, far too heavy. But the armor does come off in case of emergencies.
MISATO: (thinking) Why would Andy resign himself to fire support? It's not his style. He fights a battle of force, not attrition. (into the comm.) Andy, I want to see that gun in action for a moment and then we'll launch Toji and Shinji.
Unit-04 lumbers over to where some targets havve been placed and fires off some quick bursts. Eventually Andy gets used to handling the new gun and really starts shredding the targets, sort of like how a chainsaw can shred daisies.
MISATO: Ok, Mucha, save your ammo. Jettison the armor so you can have full range of motion to assist the other pilots.
Andy mutters something about babysitting weaklings but complies with the order. Soon Unit-01 and 07 join 04 on the surface.
Unit-01 takes its position on the firing range. Its violet armor and signature samurai-style, mono-horned helm a classic presence on the battlefield. Unit-07, on the other hand, was what Unit-03 would have been if Jared hadn't taken the designation and added his own modifications. It's rather simple near-black navy B-type armor gave it the impression of a General-Purpose mecha, not the flagship status Unit-01 enjoyed.
TOJI: Ok, let's see if this works!
MISATO: Go ahead.
Toji closes his eyes and starts growling. Unit-07 takes up a "power up" pose. Soon Toji is shouting wordlessly.
TOJI: KAIOKEN!
SHINJI: ... Uh, Toji?
RITSUKO: No changes detected.
ASUKA: It's not working?!
TOJI: What?!
SHINJI: Maybe the Kaioken doesn't work in Eva. It's plenty powerful on its own.
ASUKA: Or maybe you're doing it wrong. You didn't even know what a Kaioken was until we told you!
ANDY: The Kaio-ken is  Eva compatible. Suzuhara might simply be unused to channeling ki.
MISATO: (frowning) Shinji give the Kamehameha a try.
SHINJI: But I didn't ask for the Kamehameha.
MISATO: Maybe, but you can perform a Kamehameha, if a little sloppy, so see if you can't make a better, more focused one. Andy, use the Kaioken a couple of times so Toji can get a sense of what he's supposed to do. Shinji, fire when ready at the target of your choosing.
SHINJI: Roger! (deep breath) KAMEHAMEHA!
Unit-01 slides through the movement a little awkwardly. His AT-Field collects into a ball and then at Shinji's mental urging lances out in a blue-ish white beam of energy that completely misses its target and blasts a crater out of a poor abused hill miles away.
SHINJI: Damn it.
RITSUKO: On the plus side, his range has improved noticeably.
MISATO: Hear that Shinji? All you need is to work on your aim. Concentrate on your target. It's not like throwing a baseball, you have to will the energy where you want it to go, not just what direction.
SHINJI: Can I try again?
MISATO: Yeah we'll give you just a few more shots; I'm satisfied with the range improvement at least. Toji, any luck?
TOJI: No, Major, I'm just not understanding this technique I guess.
MISATO: Well, watch what Shinji is doing. Maybe that will click.
TOJI: Y-yes, Ma'am.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - BACK AT THE ROOF - SAME TIME
Where we last left our... main characters.
Something is missing though.
JARED: Damn that sneaky no-good Batman. Disappearing willy nilly. I have half a mind to--
Jared is interrupted by a noise. Hopeful and curious, he investigates and finds the cat burglar from earlier halfway out of the ropes and a quarter out of her outfit.
CAT BURGLAR: (sees Jared) Damn...
JARED: (finds something to sit on and assumes an appraising pose) Don't let me stop you.
CAT BURGLAR: Oh? (resumes struggling out of her bonds) So, sidekick?
JARED: Honestly, I've always fancied myself as the Hero-type.
CAT BURGLAR: He says as he sits by while a woman is in distress.
JARED: Yeah, but you're a thief.
CAT BURGLAR: And I thought I was a pretty good one too. Who the hell has a utility belt in this day and age?! What does he think he's Batman or something?
JARED: Apparently so.
CAT BURGLAR: Look, are you going to just sit there?
JARED: Until I get hungry.
CAT BURGLAR: Ok, how about this? You let me go and I'll sleep with you.
JARED: Direct, aren't you? Can I bring the ropes?
CAT BURGLAR: (angry glare) What the hell do you think?!
JARED: Fine, fine... but the masks stay on.

EXT.  EVANGELION TESTING AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Toji sits in his plug, panting. If not for the LCL, he'd probably be sweating too. After a moment, he relaxes his death grip on the control handles. A lopsided grin spreads across his face as he looks at the destroyed target before him.
TOJI: (repeating breathlessly) Kamehameha.
MISATO: Congratulations Toji, follow Shinji back to the elevators so we can switch out pilots.  Lieutenant, launch Unit-02 and Unit-05 once they make it back.
MAKOTO: Hai, Major.
After a minute, Asuka and Rei have replaced Shinji and Toji on the field. Unit-04 lazily moves through a dagger kata with its progressive blade.
Unit-02, the four-eyed, red armored product of NERV's Munich Branch carried the distinction of being NERV's first combat-purposed Eva as opposed to the test and prototype models that came before it. It also carried the distinction of being the first to fight underwater, despite having the wrong equipment; the first to have two pilots in its plug, despite an initial language barrier; and the first intentionally lowered into an active volcano.
Unit-05, in its purplish urban camouflage scheme, had formerly been John's Eva before Unit-06 was finished and John determined the only one able to pilot without going crazier. Its initial design had been a combination of ideas between the original Unit-04 and Unit-03, but after a series of repairs, the Eva's custom armor had evolved into something of its own. Like Unit-03, Unit-05 was designed with melee combat in mind, but instead of leaning towards speed, 05 was geared for power. Its shoulder fins still held a compliment of rockets, these days good for only superficial damage or a distraction. Its head had been skull-like before, but repairs and nudging from the Goons had fit an appropriately-sized armored Predator mask over it. Fitting the apparent theme, Unit-05's forearms were encased in large bracers. In the left was the infamous jagged claws, and the right was a pair of artillery-rated Gatling guns and enough ammo for a minute of sustained fire.
ASUKA: So all we need to do is demonstrate proficiency in the Kamehameha, Misato?
MISATO: Correct, whatever tricks you may have asked for, your combat effectiveness is measured in killing the Angels, not how many clones you can make or how far away you can teleport. You may have noticed that for all of their tricks, the Goons fight a very simple and direct battle. Just like you'll never actually see the fancy kung fu moves you see in movies during a real fight.
ASUKA: But Wonder girl and I can already Kamehameha well into the stratosphere.
MISATO: Well, they say that when the sky is the limit, aim for the Moon.
REI: roger, now locking onto the moon.
MISATO: Uh, I didn't quite mean for you to actually aim at the Moon.
RITSUKO: Major unless you want to be responsible for ordering NERV's pilot's to attack the Moon, I'd suggest you order them to stand down.
MISATO: Pilots, belay that last order. Do not fire upon the Moon.
REI: oh come on, just one shot?
MISATO: Rei, I said no.
REI: it might not even make it all the way there.
MISATO: (warning tone) Rei...
ANDY: Oh come on, let the little freak try to blow up the Moon.
MISATO: Okay, that's it! Both of you return to base, we're launching Kensuke and then you're all going to get a lecture on obeying orders. (under her breath) And somebody go shoot Mucha in the face.
ANDY: But your initial orders were to shoot at the moon!
MISATO: No one! Is doing anything! To the Moon! (thinking) It's official; the Goons have been a bad influence on Rei. (out loud) Mucha, Ayanami, return to base. Toji and Aida, prepare for launch. Asuka, you will instruct Kensuke on the Kamehameha. THAT is my order.
ALL: Yes Ma'am.
TOJI: Why did you have me return if you were going to launch me again?
SHINJI: Now's really not the best time to--
MISATO: (irritated) To limit the number of exposed Evas in case an Angel spontaneously appears and drops an AT bomb on us again. Any other questions, Pilot?
TOJI: No, Ma'am.
MISATO: Launch Evas.
A few keystrokes brings Unit-07 back to the surface along with the freshly repaired Unit-09. Nicknamed the “Oni Eva” as a play on it's “Oh-Nine” designation by its creator, any casual observer would feel there was something a little off about the giant robot, especially in comparison to the “standard” Eva designs flanking it. Born from a necromantic ritual in the Eva Graveyard, its long thin limbs, asymmetrical head, over-sized torso and dull green paint scheme gave the impression of a Igor Eva. A large lens belonging to a monoscopic model covered the left eye while the right was shielded by a half-goggle, and bowl-shaped helmet completed the look. As clumsy as it looked though, Kensuke piloted it like a professional, deftly maneuvering to its position on the firing range and sliding into the classic stance.
ASUKA: Alright, Aida, the Kamehameha is about focus more than anything. You have to clear your mind of distractions while you-
KENSUKE: KAMEHAMEHA!
The Eva slides through its sequence condensing it's AT field and firing the blast, but Asuka smirked as the beam fizzled out halfway down the field. Unit-02 crosses its arms while Asuka smirks.
KENSUKE: What?! But... But... I asked for it! It's supposed to be my specialty!
MISATO: On the bright side, Kensuke, you did produce a Kamehameha on your first attempt. That's something to be proud of.
TOJI: Were you just trying to do it?
KENSUKE: What?
TOJI: It's not enough to just fire the thing, you have to follow through. Like with shooting hoops, you can set your stance and aim and throw, but after that the ball takes care of itself, right? But with this, you have to guide the ball the entire way, not just shoot it.
ASUKA: That's...
MISATO: That's a really good way of putting it, Toji.
KENSUKE: Or like a bullet from a rifle, I can't just pull the trigger. No! I know! It's like launching a missile only I have to propel and guide it myself.
MISATO: Whatever helps you out.
KENSUKE: Hey, Toji, let's do it. On three.
TOJI: Uh, okay.
ASUKA: What are you two Stooges up to?
KENSUKE: One, two THREE!
TOJI & KENSUKE: KAMEHAMEHA!
Not entirely in synchronization, the two Evas go through the motions and take different times charging up their blasts. But two beams of energy lance across the field and demolish a diamond-shaped cutout of the fifth Angel.
The friends share a high-five in victory.

EXT.  OUTSIDE A FRIENDLY COFFEE SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
John is now wearing a gray, lightweight, hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses as he steps out sipping something cool. He glances at the sky towards the coming evening rain clouds and clicks his tongue absently for a moment. Raising the hood, John walks over to a man absorbed in his newspaper and sits down.
JOHN?: (pleasant acknowledgment) Mister Kaji.
The man sighs and looks up; sure enough it's Rouji Kaji.
KAJI: (usual carefree manner) Mister Genoni. You've got a lot of people worried about you. Even Misato's motherly side seems to have enveloped you. I'm rather jealous.
JOHN?: Then my apologies.
KAJI: Not at all. She seems to be protective of all of the Eva pilots, even beyond just her responsibilities as a Major. (sigh, musing) Sometimes I think she might be trying to hint at something. (blinks) Oh my, that was a rather personal thought.
JOHN?: I must be one of those kinds of guys.
KAJI: (folds his paper) Well, I think it best if we were to head to NERV.
JOHN?: What's the rush?
KAJI: No rush, just thinking that--
JOHN?: (standing suddenly) DOWN!
Kaji ducks and follows John's arm as it points palm-out at a black Cadillac as well dressed thugs begin to shove automatic weapons out the open windows. Kaji doesn't so much see, instead feels the displacement of air just prior to the side of the Cadillac cave in under a wave of Force and tumble over to the other side of the street. The car finally comes to rest upside down in a parallel parking spot.
Kaji jumps to his feet. Around him he saw the coffee shop patrons finally reacting, some running back into the shop, others trying to flee the area. John twirled his finger in a stirring motion, Forcing the car to spin on its roof. Kaji grabbed John's arm and started running out of the area.
After stumbling a bit from being pulled off his feet, John got his footing, hooked his arm around Kaji and Force Jumped up to a roof.
KAJI: (hands on his knees) Wow, a fellow could get dizzy jumping like that.
OBI-JOHN: We are safe for now, but we really should get going. Think you can follow me on the rooftops?
KAJI: Just try to keep up!

EXT.  TOKYO-3 ROOFTOPS - MOMENTS LATER
The two begin to head towards NERV along the rooftops, but it's not long before conversation strikes up.
OBI-JOHN: You've done this before.
KAJI: Meh, it's not terribly different from Track and Field in High School. Just the altitude.
OBI-JOHN: Or...
KAJI: (interrupting) So you're a Jedi now?
OBI-JOHN: (actually seems to consider the question) As far back as I can remember.
KAJI: Interesting answer.
OBI-JOHN: (moves closer to Kaji) Big jump up ahead, (smirks) want some help?
KAJI: (thinking) Time to swallow your pride. (out loud) Sure.
Obi-John hooks his arm around Kaji and with the Force, easily clears the street below.
KAJI: Next major street, we can probably go down to ground level. By the by, were those thugs after you? Or were you just trying to stop a drive-by?
OBI-JOHN: I... (frowns in thought) I don't know. It sure seemed like they were aiming at me, but I can't think of why though.
KAJI: (rhetorically) Maybe some American pissed them off; Yakuza don't usually bother with specifics when they get angry. They just start shooting at the first tall white guy they see.
OBI-JOHN: Street level, coming up.
Obi-John grabs Kaji again and jumps, but angles himself to land several stories down in an alleyway.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - RANDOM ALLEYWAY - MOMENTS LATER
The Goon sets Kaji down, who then seems to try to steady himself.
KAJI: (chuckle) They didn't have that event at school though.
OBI-JOHN: We're going to NERV?
KAJI: Yes, I think that would be best, don't you think?
OBI-JOHN: I suppose you're right. Let's-- (faints)
Kaji catches the Goon as he collapses and tries to lay him down.
KAJI: Genoni? Damn it, you're going to change again, aren't you?
JOHN?: (sitting up, rubbing his head) Change into what, man?
KAJI: (very cautious now) I don't know, why don't you tell me?
JOHN?: (standing) Man, it's like everyone is playing but they can't agree on a song. And the conductor is having an epileptic fit at the same time.
KAJI: (thinking) Music? (out loud) Say... man, it would be, uh, groovy if you could give your, uh, cool cats a, um, ring so we can... jam.
JOHN?: < o_O > I have no idea what you just said, man.
KAJI: Call one of your friends on the Mini-MAGI.
JOHN?: Sure. (presses a few holographic buttons) Hello?
SOUND ONLY MONOLITH: (Jared's voice) Busy! (Woman's voice) Oh yes! YES!
JOHN?: (disconnecting) ... They need like a virtual tie or something. (presses some more buttons) Andy? Are you having sex right now?
ANDY: What the hell?! John! Where are you?!
JOHN?: Volume down, man, we're not in a mosh pit.
ANDY: Who's with you? Is Jared there?
JOHN?: Jared's occupied, man, but Rouji's here.
ANDY: Kaji? One second.
Not one, not two, but five full seconds later, Andy suddenly appears, changed out of his plug suit and back into his usual bright Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts.
ANDY: There you are. (to Kaji) Thanks for finding him.
KAJI: Is he going to be okay? He passed out for a second and went from vaguely British to quasi-hipster.
ANDY: Quasi-what-stir?
Andy frowns in thought for a moment and then snaps his fingers. He draws a beat-up harmonica from his pocket and hands it to John who accepts it like he's waited all his life for it.
ANDY: Musician.
John tests the instrument, smacks some lint out of it and then starts playing a nameless dirge.
KAJI: He's good.
ANDY: Every musical piece he's heard, or musician he's seen left some impression on him. Cowboy Bebop had some musical secondary characters and that seemed to be enough of a magnet for those memories. The end result is a harmless personality that just wants to play. A drunken walrus could still sing better, but he can play any instrument he can get his hands on.
KAJI: Interesting.
ANDY: What was he before?
KAJI: Huh? I don't know. He flipped a car over using the Force.
ANDY: The Jedi. Huh, why did he flip a car? He's normally very diplomatic.
KAJI: It was a Yakuza drive-by.
ANDY: Probably backlash from Batman.
KAJI: (thoroughly lost now) Batman?
ANDY: Well, technically there are dozens of comic book heroes in there, but we made sure the most prominent was Batman. I suppose we should call the mode Vigilante, but he wears this bandanna and long jacket outfit and gets that skip-the-bullshit gravel in his voice. Plus the utility belt.
KAJI: So, we get him back to NERV, right?
ANDY: Uh... Home might be best. It'll be getting dark soon and he can't have much longer until the next stage. Give me a moment to contact Jared.
KAJI: Uh, actually I think Jared is a little occupied.
ANDY: Occupied? (groans) Undisciplined, sex-crazed--he was supposed to be watching him!
Kaji can only shrug.
KAJI: (stops walking for a moment) Do you hear something?
ANDY: (also stops) No.
Both pause and look behind them. For effect, a dotted outline of where John should be standing blinks where John is clearly not.
ANDY: ... (deep breath) FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF--

EXT.  AMAZON RAIN FOREST - GROUND LEVEL - SAME TIME
Deep in an Amazon rain forest, a tall, thin man wearing a khaki outfit and a pith helmet stops. The short native guide that's marching in front of him stops too. Both listen to the tortured cry that rips across the sky like a burst of lightning. 
PITHY PROFESSOR: Hear that, M'Tumba? That is the scream of ultimate frustration.
The native man just shakes his head, and the two resume their hike.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - BACK IN THE ALLEY - SAME TIME
ANDY: You know what? Fuck him! That's right! Fuck him! I am tired of running around the goddamn city while he just disappears right from my clutches! (storms off) Call me if he kills someone.
KAJI: Just like that?
ANDY: You don't understand, Kaji. Yes, I care, but we've never had to deal with teleportation and Goon Poles and super speed in every damn form! It's not possible to keep up.
KAJI: But he's still wearing his Mini-MAGI right? So you can still track him and head there.
ANDY: Kaji, that's not how the Instant Transmission works. Unless you have a very, very clear picture of where you want to end up, the only way to move to someone's location is to have a very, very good understanding of a person's aura, then you lock onto that and perform the technique. I don't know who John is now, so I can't lock on. And even if I could find him, I don't have the energy to try. I'm spent! That mental hydra ran me all over town and out to sea. I have nothing left.
KAJI: So take a cab.
ANDY: At this time in the evening?!
Andy's Mini-MAGI beeps. Grumbling, he answers it.
JARED: (Sound-only) So what is John now?
ANDY: He WAS the Musician. Then he took off. If SOMEBODY wasn't humping everything vaguely human, then maybe he'd back at the apartment by now.
JARED: (Sound-only) What the hell crawled into your Cheerios and died? I've had just as hard a time chasing him around town as you. Damn those Goon Poles.
ANDY: Well?
JARED: (Sound-only) Well what?
ANDY: I'm open to suggestions.
JARED: (Sound-only) Maybe he'll contact us. Just head back and we'll see what we can work out.
ANDY: (sighs) Fine. (to Kaji) Well, Kaji, thanks for your help any way. We appreciate it.
KAJI: Always glad to lend a hand. So you're heading back to your apartment?
ANDY: Nothing else to do today. Well, planned at least. Take care.
KAJI: You too.
Andy wanders off to find the train home. Kaji walks casually before taking a quick look around. Confident no one is watching, Kaji quickly makes a strange hand signal and disappears in a puff of smoke.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - LATER
Jared enters, kicks off his shoes, loosens his tie and plops down onto the sofa. Idly, he turns on the television. On it is a bunch of floating letters and numbers.
JARED: Oh, the Matrix.
JAMES: (appearing as a crude ASCII face) Not exactly.
JARED: You look like crap.
JAMES: I can program well enough, and man-handle anything too complex with pure processing power. But you left me with the artistic abilities of a--... Analogies fail me, which only illustrates my point. That point is I suck at drawing and I'm working on putting together an avatar to communicate more completely.
JARED: Completely? You mean like facial expressions and body language?
JAMES: You got it.
JARED: Ok, fine, can I watch TV now?
JAMES: No, I wanted to talk. I have looked at this little budget thing and I've got some ideas.
JARED: Okay. I'm listening.
JAMES: Well, NERV needs roughly five million dollars a day to cover supplies, raw materials, and the salaries of its personnel. Not literally, of course, but it breaks down to roughly that much.
JARED: (carry-on gesture) So your solution is...
JAMES: Stocks.
JARED: Five million dollars a day worth of stocks? The economy has been crap since Second Impact. Sure, it's improving but it would be near impossible to draw those kinds of funds.
JAMES: I've run some scenarios and I think I can do it.
JARED: You suck at economics.
JAMES: That's hardly fair.
JARED: James, you were an assassin. The best in your world, yes, topple conspiracies, sure, part-time engineer, naturally. But the fact is you're not some all-purpose problem solver. If you want to better yourself and take some classes, or read up on some online books, by all means.
JAMES: You're mean. I'm not going to tell you how to make a hundred million dollars now.
JARED: You were a lot more entertaining when I didn't actually have to converse with you. (thoughtful) Actually...
JAMES: Hmm?
JARED: Well, it's a shame I already released Sidestep. If I published it, it could make some scratch.
JAMES: When did you publish it?
JARED: When I... made you.
JAMES: Funny, I've been all over the 'net, and I've never seen myself in action, so to speak. I think it didn't quite upload on my birthday.
JARED: ... It's good. (bites his lip) But is it good enough? Can you, I dunno, seed the market? Build demand? (Eyes widen in terror) Oh God, I have to edit the whole thing for publishing.
JAMES: Uh, actually I could--
JARED: I have got to get started! (runs off to the laboratory)
JAMES: --edit it for you... in like two minutes. (digital sigh) Sometimes I have a hard time accepting he created me... Ooh, email!
Enter Andy.
ANDY: James, what are you doing in our television?
JAMES: I thought I'd try out a career in film.
ANDY: (sits down on the sofa) I feel stupid and contagious, here we are now, entertain us.
JAMES: Nirvana. But there's just one of you right now.
ANDY: Really? Say hello to my little friend!
Andy leaps to his feet, producing a shotgun, and puts a very large hole in the very large screen. The phone immediately rings.
ANDY: (answering) Doomed! Doomed!
JAMES: You're a rude one. I have instructions to pass on a message.
ANDY: So?
JAMES: It's Genoni. He says that he respects your extra-ordinary skills and that you have his gratitude.
ANDY: (cheerful) Ok thanks, bye! (tosses the phone out the window, puts head in hands) Oh God, not Han...
Down in the laboratory, Jared is hunched over a stack of papers. His hair has turned white and he's got a month's worth of beard. Broken pencils are stuck in his hair and his bloodshot insomniac eyes dart frantically across the sheets in front of him.
ANDY: Jared?
JARED: (turns to Andy and hisses)
ANDY: Oh knock it off. I just came to tell you that we have John's gratitude.
JARED: (hits his head against the desk) No! No! No! No!
ANDY: Yeah.
JARED: I'm not going.
ANDY: I can't blame you. What are you doing anyway?
JARED: I'm going to publish Sidestep and funnel the profits to NERV.
ANDY: That'll work. So... what's with the Howard Hughes?
JARED: What gets sent to the publisher must be pristine, flawless. I have to go over every page with the finest of combs.
ANDY: Or have James edit it for you.
JARED: Or have--what?
ANDY: I mean he's an intelligent supercomputer. He's got a good chunk of your writing skills and access to endless reference material. He could just confer with you on issues where a decision had to be made, but really, he could do the whole thing in just a few minutes.
JARED: What?
ANDY: Oh, I may have killed the television... again.
JARED: What?!
ANDY: Well, good night.
JARED: WHAT?!
Andy leaves. Jared stares at the space he used to occupy as though the last few sentences were never spoken. An ugly twitch makes itself known over and around his left eye. Slowly, the shrunken husk of a human being turns towards the main computer console not far away.

EXT.  AMAZON RAIN FOREST - GROUND LEVEL - SAME TIME
A certain professor and his local guide stop again to listen to a tortured scream.
PITHY PROFESSOR: That is one ugly ring tone.
The guide shakes his head as if lamenting a great crime, and two resume their trek.

*   *   *
TITLE FLASH
NEON GENISIS: GOONVANGELION
EPISODE 10

Crisis of Infinite Identity / Who are You?
*   *   *

INT.  SHINJI'S BEDROOM - DAWN
As the dawn's early light creeps through the blinds, Shinji's eyes open uneasily. His rest was disturbed during the night, not from the storm that had rolled over the city; that was regular enough to tune out. Not from Asuka, snuggled up next to him, that was probably what helped him sleep through this feeling. Shinji lay there listening to Asuka's breathing, his body felt as comfortable as it could be. Yet his mind squirms. Something is not right. Something is fundamentally wrong with this picture.
Unconsciously, Shinji's lips move and breath gives birth to a voice.
SHINJI: Unfamiliar ceiling...
Shinji blinks. It can't be. Staring up at the tiles, the more he looks the more it can't be denied. The colors are off; the pattern in the paint is different. Anyone else might not notice it immediately, or at all, but here it is, blatant and obvious to him.
Shinji's breathing quickens. Inside his body, a chemical cocktail of hormones is released, fueling a bonfire that often left a mere pilot light.
Shinji is pissed.
SHINJI: MOTHERFUCKERS!
Startled awake, Asuka somehow ends up on her feet in a combat stance several feet away. Shinji fights his way out from under the covers and storms into the hallway.
ASUKA: (mind trying to catch up with body) What? What happened?
Shinji steps past his doorway again, now carrying an emergency flare gun.
ASUKA: (cautiously entering the hallway) Shinji?
But the Third Children has already left the apartment.
Misato's door opens, and the Major herself steps out.
MISATO: (yawning and scratching her ribs) What's going on?
ASUKA: (worried look) I don't know. I thought I heard him whisper something and then he just exploded.
Through the wall one can hear Shinji hammering on the Goon's front door. Dust is shaken loose from the ceiling.
JARED: (through the wall) Coming... coming... (door sliding sound) Oh. Good Morning, [Shin-ji].
PTOONK.
FSSSSSSHHHH.
Door sliding shut.
JARED: (through the wall) The Hell?
Misato's front door opens and Shinji enters. Looking a little vindicated, he wanders to the kitchen. The flare gun in his hand trails a wisp of smoke.
Meanwhile, through the wall, the incident is just getting started.
ANDY: (through the wall) Who was--AH! Your hair is on fire!
JARED: (through the wall) What?
ANDY: (through the wall) Don't sit down!
JOHN: (through the wall) What's all the--THE COUCH IS ON FIRE!
JARED: (through the wall) THERE'S A HOLE IN THE TELEVISION!
ANDY: (through the wall) We gotta get this out of here!
JOHN: (through the wall) The balcony!
JARED: (through the wall) Hey, put me down!
JOHN: (through the wall) Okay, you smell funny and no one likes you.
ANDY: (through the wall) HEAVE!
JOHN: (through the wall) HO!
There's a crash and just outside the window one can see the blazing couch, with Jared still on it, go sailing off and begin its downward arc towards a small pile of broken phones.
ASUKA: ...
MISATO: ...
SHINJI: ...
KAJI: ...
ASUKA: Kaji?
KAJI: Yes?
ASUKA: When did you... Shave?
KAJI: (rubs his baby smooth chin) I... didn't. Mis-chan?
MISATO: It wasn't me. (strokes Kaji's face) Wow, that's the cleanest I've ever seen you.
ASUKA: Shinji-kun? What happened? Why did… Well, you don't really need a reason to shoot Jared with a flare gun, but still.
SHINJI: They fucked with my ceiling tiles. This is home. I belong here. Every night, every morning, I look up and I see the same ceiling tiles. I got shuffled around so much as a kid; I never got to know any ceilings.
KAJI: Ceilings?
MISATO: (to Kaji) Shush. (To Shinji) We'll find the tiles. Okay, Shinji? Or if it comes to it we'll buy new ones, exactly the same.
SHINJI: They won't be the same.
MISATO: Well, we're all awake, let's get ready and we'll just go next door and start hitting them until we feel better.
ASUKA: Now that sounds like a plan. Just let me get changed.
Asuka leaves to her room as does Shinji. The Third Children pauses a moment in front of his room before entering. That leaves the two adults alone for a moment in the hallway.

INT.  MISATO'S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
MISATO: (caressing Kaji's face) It doesn't suit you.
KAJI: You don't like it?
MISATO: My father used to be too busy to shave, what few hugs I ever received were always rough and scratchy. I guess I got comfortable with a rugged face.
KAJI: It'll grow out in a day or two, dinner then?
MISATO: Sure. Finish getting dressed so I can change.
KAJI: What? You're not joining me?
MISATO: Get going, you pervert.
Misato turns to wait in the kitchen.
ASUKA: (from her room) What the?!
MISATO: (rushing in) What? What is it?
ASUKA: All of my drawers (points at her dresser), they've been switched around. Rrrrgh, the thought that one of those guys has been into my... locked drawers...
MISATO: You have locks on your drawers?
ASUKA: I live next door to Waddell.
MISATO: < -_- > I see your point.
ASUKA: (opening each drawer and looking in it) I don't get it, everything is exactly in its place, just in the wrong drawer.
MISATO: Well, you were in Shinji's room. Which reminds me, I need to talk to you two about responsibility.
ASUKA: I went to Shinji's a little after midnight though. (scratches her head) I don't get it. I mean what does this do?
MISATO: (on her way out) We'll just have to ask them.

EXT.  STREET BELOW GOONS' APARTMENT - SAME TIME
About twenty feet from street level Jared, once again, is hanging upside down wearing nothing but a tie and some burn marks.
JARED: Not again...

INT.  MISATO'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Misato is dressed, sitting at her table, beer in hand.
MISATO: Shinji's ceiling, Kaji's stubble, Asuka's drawers... Am I next?
Pen-Pen's fridge opens and the freshwater penguin climbs out.
MISATO: Pen-Pen? What happened to your feathers?
PEN PEN: Wark?
MISATO: Well, you're black where you should be white and white where you should be black. And I don't think you want to know what color your eye brow feathers are.
PEN PEN: WAAAARK?! (waddles quickly to the bathroom)
MISATO: (chuckles to herself) They even got the bird. Oh well. (opens the beer and take her huge morning gulp)
Cue massive spit-take.
MISATO: (choking) This... this is... LIGHT BEER! RRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!
Dishes begin to rattle.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - MINUTES LATER
Jared steps out of his room fully clothed again.
ANDY: What the hell, man!
JARED: Huh?
ANDY: You set the couch on fire! With flames!
JARED: You shot the television! With bullets!
JOHN: You guys are yelling! With redundancies!
ANDY & JARED: Shut up!
The adjoining wall between the Goons' and Misato's place explodes. But is soon filled by the Major, pajamas ruffling in her crackling blue aura.
MISATO: (eyes burning with blue energy) YOU UNFORGIVABLE ASSHOLES!
JARED: (snapping some pictures with a disposable) I didn't do it!
ANDY: (covering his eyes) Wasn't me!
MISATO: (holds her top closed with one hand) Don't play innocent! You guys are the only ones who could pull this kind of crap!
JARED: (placating gestures) Misato, I'm telling you right now, I've been in this apartment since I got back last night. I haven't been out since then.
ANDY: We've been here all night. We don't even know what you're talking about.
JOHN: Yeah, and besides they aren't very clever.
MISATO: (blink, aura fades) John?
ANDY: (snapping his fingers) Of course! John must have gone to Stage 3 in the middle of the night. He must have pranked your place!
JARED: Of course, he must be to blame for whatever happened!
ANDY: On our honor, we shall find the culprit and deliver him to justice! But where to begin our search?
JOHN: Well, where's the last place you had contact with him?
ANDY: Hmmm, yes. Gird yourself, Waddell and familiar voice, we are off to the Island of Han!
Andy rushes out of the apartment, followed closely by Jared. John shrugs and then follows.
MISATO: Han? But...

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - LATER THAT MORNING
MISATO: (on the phone) Understood, thank you. (hangs up) Well, Kensuke was just delivered to school safely.
MAYA: What happened to him?
MISATO: John kidnapped him in the night and left him in a JSDF barracks. He got a "shark attack" wake up call.
MAKOTO: (winces) I remember those. All I got was my alarm changed.
SHIGERU: Bastard un-tuned my guitar. How about you, Maya?
MAYA: Well, I went to bed wearing my pink pajamas, but I woke up in my blue ones. (blushes)
ALL: ( o_O;;) ...
A side door opens allowing Doctor Akagi and Vice Commander Fuyutsuki in. Akagi looks like she was attacked by a weed whacker. Her clothing is shredded, scratches cover her face and her hair, despite an attempt to fix it, still suffered. Kozo on the other hand just seemed uneasy, constantly shifting his stance.
MISATO: Well, look what the--
RITSUKO: DON'T! Don't even say it. Just tell me which one of those assholes snuck catnip into my apartment. This was the least damaged outfit.
MISATO: John went through what they call Stage 3 last night; he seems to have pranked most of NERV.
FUYUTSUKI: (still shifting) Well, I don't know if it's itching powder or what--
MISATO: Check the inserts in your shoes. He may have switched them.
FUYUTSUKI: Oh. (blink) How did you come up with that so quickly?
Misato averts her gazes and doesn't answer.
RITSUKO: I'm going to my office to change; I would like a report on what's going on when I get back.
MISATO: (picks up her mug and sips) Yeah we're still trying to tally everything. (cue her second spit-take) Decaf?!
MAKOTO: (pales) Oh God no.

INT.  PILOTS' HOMEROOM AT SCHOOL - MORNING
Most of the students are present, though the teacher is still absent. Most of the kids sit around in various states of confusion. Some of them are in deep discussion.
SHINJI: All of them?
TOJI: (sadly) Yeah.
KENSUKE: Man, that sucks. You had some of the best balls around.
TOJI: I know, it pisses me off. I can pump them up again, but who ever flattened them is still going to pay.
HIKARI: Uh, excuse me.
TOJI: Oh, hey Hikari.
HIKARI: Did anything weird happen to you guys last night?
KENSUKE: Like waking up a hundred klicks from your bed to an angry drill instructor?
HIKARI: Oh! No, nothing that drastic.
ASUKA: They got you too?
HIKARI: It's just, my sisters and I all woke up in different rooms. I was in Nizomi's room and she was in Kodami's.
TOJI: He did what?!
SHINJI: Yes, weird stuff has been happening all over town.
HIKARI: So it wasn't just us. I guess that makes me feel a little better. But still, we lock the door at night, we have a burglar alarm and Kodami is a very light sleeper.
KENSUKE: Say, where's Rei? Did she get zinged too?

INT.  REI'S APARTMENT - EARLIER THAT MORNING
Rei stands before her bathroom mirror, clad in a bathrobe, staring at her reflection. Her naturally light blue hair has been dyed a full spectrum rainbow and her face painted in classic circus clown style.
REI: (eyebrow twitches) ...

INT.  PILOT'S HOMEROOM - PRESENT TIME
ASUKA: If anything she probably got off light. She's his favorite after all.

INT.  REI'S APARTMENT - EARLIER THAT MORNING
REI: (opens her mouth to scream)

INT.  PILOT'S HOMEROOM - PRESENT TIME
SHINJI: I don't know.
Rei enters the class room, hair still damp from the shower even after the train ride in.
REI: sorry i'm late.
HIKARI: Well the teacher seems to be running a little late himself. And what with everything that happened last night I'll just let it slide.
ASUKA: So! (smirks) What did the psycho's favorite wondergirl girl get?
SHINJI: Asuka, knock it off.
REI: oniisan got me good. (creepy smile) i'll have to get him back. oh yes, i will get him back...
Desks slide a few inches away.

INT.  COMMERCIAL HOVERJET OVER THE SOUTH CHINA SEA - MID-MORNING
The Goons are sitting in first class. Andy's idly looking out the window; Jared's flirting with the stewardess--
AUTHOR: Flight attendant.
What?
AUTHOR:  It's flight attendant now.
But stewardess is direct. It's sex and occupation all in one.
AUTHOR:  It's more correct.
No, it's vaguer. It's completely accurate to call her a stewardess. If I say "Jared's flirting with the flight attendant" he'll get funny looks. But if I say stewardess then it's not weird, it immediately brings to mind the proper image. Jared's flirting with the stewardess, end of discussion. May I move on now?
AUTHOR:  Ass.
The Goons are in first class, Andy is idly gazing out the window, Jared is flirting with the STEWARDESS, and John is across the aisle listening to some music. Down the aisle is a stereotypical American family of tourists: two brats, arguing; teen, sulking; Dad, on his last nerve; and Mom, still delirious that this trip was a good idea.
AUTHOR:  Uh, that's not the--
Enough from the peanut gallery!
A little bit down was a mish-mash of cleverly diverse, yet easily categorized men and the token "Prove Herself" woman. Further down the plane was all but filled with tough looking guys.
CAPTAIN: (bing!) This is your Captain, we are on final approach to the Island of Han.
ANDY: I still can't believe he has a functioning airport with connections to the local Internationals.
SLAP!
JARED: (rubbing his cheek) You know it occurred to me... he's never actually made it to the island. We really don't know what to expect.
ANDY: Well, it's doubtful we'll even find him. He did reach Stage Three, so he could be anywhere in the world. All we have to go on is the last place we kn ow he's been. Maybe there will be some clue. This is devious prey we are hunting.
JOHN: (raising his hand) More peanuts please.

EXT.  ISLAND OF HAN - SMALL AIRPORT - LATER
The hoverjet lands gently on the short runway. And the exiting passengers are greeted with pretty girls in Chinese dresses putting lei on everyone. Jared gets the hospitality four times.
A tour guide meets up with the family and the band of heroes and starts introducing herself and the island. The group of rough guys simply marches up the path. The Goons stand around for a bit.
JARED: (standing proudly, waving at the departing flower girls) I always wanted to step off a plane and get lei'd.
ALL: (groan)
ANDY: Ok, if John is still on this island, he'd be treated as the master of this realm. Keep your eyes peeled for a guy getting the royal treatment, possibly surrounded by a cadre of beautiful and deadly body guards.
A half-dozen beautiful and deadly bodyguards arrive and guide John to a golden carriage.
JOHN: Maybe we should start in the throne room?
ANDY: (not looking) I've had just about enough of your back-talk, mister.
JARED: (snaps his fingers) Maybe we should check the throne room first.
ANDY: Good idea, start at the top work our way down.

INT.  NERV BREAK ROOM - SAME TIME
Back at NERV, things have gotten kind of ugly.
John's gift to NERV happens to be the switching of regular coffee to decaffeinated. With nine out of ten NERV personnel scientists, engineers, and technicians; this doesn't so much as shut NERV down as create a horror scenario for the unaffected.
We find Misato commanding a small group of resistance fighters bunkered up around a break room.
MAKOTO: Major! We've got caffeine zombies in the West corridor!
MISATO: If they want a fight we'll give them HELL! Soda guns at the ready! Don't fire until you can see their blood-shot eyes!
ZOMBIE-RITSUKO: Caaaafffeeeeeeinnnnnnne...

EXT.  ISLAND OF HAN - SMALL AIRPORT - LATER
JARED: We checked the throne room; the ruins where an army of martial artists is being trained; the room full of mirrors, that was cool though; the power plant; the opium den; the dungeons filled with refuge found in bars, lost drunken men who no longer care where they find themselves each morning; the chemical plant; the fire level; the frozen stage; and that one with all of the platforms that go in and out of the wall.
ANDY: John's not here.
John throws his hands up.
JOHN: GUYS!
The Goons blink and turn to John.
JARED: John!
ANDY: There you are!
JARED: (to Andy) We found him!
ANDY: High five!
And ye did hand slapping of both the "up-high" and "down-low" variety exchange throughout the land. And there was much rejoicing.
JARED: How did you end up back here? I thought you don't remember anything that happens in previous stages.
JOHN: I... you know what? It doesn't matter.
JARED: We better get back to NERV, crazy stuff was happening when we left.
JOHN: Like what?
ANDY: (concerned look) It's not terribly important. Is the jet still here or will we have to teleport?
JOHN: I dunno. 
JARED: Say, while we're here, think we could--
JOHN: Uh, there's a reason they're training. They aren't very good. I could probably release the drugged out drifters and they'd still get beat.
JARED: Then how about the group of beautiful and deadly body guards?
JOHN: How about we leave?
JARED: Shush you, you're not going to remember anything anyway.
JOHN: What?
ANDY: No, we're leaving. John we'll meet you in the office in a little bit, just wait there for us to come get you, okay?
JOHN: Sure. (puts two fingers to his forehead and vanishes)
JARED: And us?
ANDY: Misato knows John is back, we have to hold off NERV and we need to put the tape together, we are way behind schedule.
JARED: The usual mix? Or we can try some of the new stuff, it is 2016 after all.
ANDY: Right now I just want the tried and true. We need him stable and as much of last week as we can get.
JARED: Come on, just a little different?
ANDY: No... What are you thinking?
JARED: Just a few extra action scenes, a little bit more fighter in there.
ANDY: No. No. No. That's going to conflict with his violence-as-last-resort resolve.
JARED: Who says he needs that?
ANDY: Jared, (puts his hands on Jared's shoulders) I'll admit, I want to test myself on him too. But that's not John's way. Now do you want an opponent? Or do you want our friend back?
JARED: This is killing you, being the Responsible One, isn't it?
ANDY: You have no idea.
JARED: A thought! (Andy gasps) How am I going to emulate Star Wars though? It doesn't exist in this world.
ANDY: Enough of it might stick. Figure something out, John's already at NERV.
JARED: Ok, I'll find something.
ANDY: Let me know when you're almost finished, the clock is ticking now.
JARED: So go already. (puts two fingers to his head, vanishes)

INT.  THE GOONS' OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
John appears and looks around getting his bearings. The desks, the couch, the ceiling fan, and a new fish tank. John wanders over to the aquarium and taps the glass lightly. Something responds and swims out of some seaweed to inspect the disturbance.
JOHN: Wow. You are the ugliest sea horse I've ever seen.
The creature blinks at him and swims back to hide.

INT.  RUN-DOWN HOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME
Gendo Ikari wakes up next to a bathtub. Groggily, he pulls his hand out of a bucket of ice.
GENDO: What the--
His right hand, where something VERY IMPORTANT had been grafted, is wrapped in gauze. To the bandage, was safety pinned a note with three English letters.
I O U
GENDO: Fuck.

INT.  THE GOONS' OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Back at the Office, John shrugs and sprinkles in some flakes and plops down onto the couch. Half a second later he's on his feet again yelping and rubbing his rear.
JOHN: (drawing the kunai from his back pocket) The hell?
John puzzles at the weapon for a moment before carefully returning it to his pocket.

INT.  NERV COMMAND ROOM - LATER
Misato leans against the wall tempted to hum something somber. Her dress is ruined, clawed at by engineers and stained by soda. The caffeine zombie revolt had been stopped but at a terrible cost.
MISATO: Damn premium pricing. I'd like to see those snooty economics majors try to (trails off grumbling)
Andy appears.
ANDY: Aw, I missed a battle.
MISATO: Was it John that pulled pranks on everyone last night?
ANDY: Yeah, Stage Three. Very evil.
MISATO: I won't argue against him being profound or thorough. I will still skin him like wild game. (draws her razor)
ANDY: He doesn't remember previous stages. And once we fix him he's not going to be able to recall anything that happened. What happened here anyway?
MISATO: John switched all the coffee in NERV to decaf. We had to fight off caffeine addicted zombies until Fuyutsuki managed to negotiate an airdrop of seven metric tons of coffee beans. It was just enough to stabilize everyone enough that they crashed. But the vultures blew up their prices to take advantage and now I'm sure the UN is just going to disband NERV and arrest us all.
ANDY: Well...
MISATO: Of course, who can blame John now if he's not even the same person he was when he pulled these? I suppose we have legal precedent on our side.
ANDY: Aw, come on. Did anyone get hurt?
MISATO: No one seriously. (nods to herself, a decision has been made) Okay, I'll excuse John. Hold still.
ANDY: (backing away) What?
MISATO: Well, you guys were supposed to be watching him. You knew what was coming and you did nothing to prevent it. You allowed him to mess with everyone and so I'm just going to skin you alive. When I find Jared, he'll get a fair and equal punishment as well.
ANDY: You don't get it. No one could have kept up with him! Last time, there wasn't such a... a... mobility problem. There were no Goon Poles, no teleporting around. This time, he was all over the city!
MISATO: Who is Han?
ANDY: Han? Han was the last personality John had this time.
MISATO: (still slowly stalking Andy with her razor out) And you know his energy signature, right? Why didn't you go and get him?
ANDY: (backs into the railing overlooking the MAGI) Because I don't have a death wish. (vaults the railing and lands heavily on the floor below)
Misato clears the railing and lands on top of the MAGI, then hops to progressively lower levels.
MISATO: (resumes stalking) I'd beg to differ.
ANDY: Han is... Okay, so we thought it would be cool to have Bruce Lee. So we show all his fights, all of his philosophy, all of his movies, and books, and everything. Only John takes all of that and puts it behind the most charismatic, most dangerous villain arguably ever, Han.
MISATO: You said you went for Good Guys.
ANDY: We did, but there's no way to control what he takes from what we give him. Jared told you about how he killed the Rose Bride, right?
MISATO: He what?! I thought she just--
ANDY: Whatever he remembers, he still blames himself for her death. That's my point, we can only show him what we want him to see, we can't change his interpretation. We showed him Bruce Lee and we got Han... and Bruce... and Chuck... and Grace... and Kareem... and Bob... and Bolo... The list goes on.
MISATO: Wait, he got all of them?
ANDY: Anyone who ever threw a punch, or broke someone in half, from the Master himself to that stupid fat cousin that keeps showing up. Han has all of their skills.
MISATO: < O_O > ... (Drooling slightly)
ANDY: (snaps his fingers in front of her, the razor blade forgotten) Hey! Very, very dangerous!
MISATO: But fighting him would be a once in a lifetime opportunity!
ANDY: In that you'd be killed, sure.
MISATO: Why aren't you excited by this idea?
ANDY: Look, Katsuragi, I understand you want to test your skill against a legend. But it's not really Han or Lee or Genoni you'd be fighting; on top of that, you would be put in a very real life or death struggle. The first and only time we tried to fight him, it was a disaster.
MISATO: Really? Who won?
ANDY: I didn't. That I know for sure. Between Jared and Han... John changed personalities before it was over, thank God, and was kind enough to drive us all to the hospital.
MISATO: You didn't get a resolution?
ANDY: ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE DIED IF JOHN HADN'T CHANGED BACK!
MISATO: (lamely) ... You guys are a lot stronger now.
ANDY: And so is he! This time around everything was wrong. Jared and I were exhausted. And! He made it to the island. He's never actually made it to the island. He almost did one time, but changed in the airport. Look, bottom line, if you have his gratitude, you don't cross him.
MISATO: He's some how more dangerous if he's on his island?
ANDY: If Jared and I were in our top TOP form. Maybe, just MAYBE we would be able to subdue him. But protected by an army of martial artists? It'd take too much energy to fight through them and still have a chance.
MISATO: But if "Han" has all these skills, then doesn't John?
ANDY: No. Like I said, Han is not John, he's--
A man in a suit appears.
MAN IN SUIT: Excuse me, Major.
The man hands Misato something, bows respectfully and then promptly sinks to his knees and stabs his gut with a knife. Andy jumps back with a shout. Misato, however, nods and with a quick swing, decapitates the man with her razor.
ANDY: WHAT THE HELL?!
MISATO: (re-reading the letter) Sato Kayabuki, he... used to be the head of NERV's Public Relations department.
ANDY: Jesus Christ, am I the only sane one left?!
There's a scary thought.
MISATO: What the Hell did John do to make our PR department head commit seppuku?! This letter says a good third of the department is following suit and the rest are on strike!
ANDY: What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

TELEVISION SCREEN SHOWING AN AMERICAN NEWS SHOW
News Anchor: Once again, this is as we receive more information, but it appears that the Earth's own natural satellite, commonly known as the Moon, has rotated one-hundred-and-eighty-degrees. What you can see now is what was once referred to as the Dark Side of the Moon. We go to Gary Decker at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Florida. Gary?
It is in the late hours of the night. The camera man has skillfully arranged for the new face of the moon to float between the reporter and the NASA representative, who strangely looks like Santa Claus.
GARY: Thanks, Eric. I'm here at the NASA Lunar Research Center with Dr. Thomas Light. Dr. Light, if I may just cut right to it. What in the name of God happened to the Moon?!
DR. LIGHT: At this time, we have no clues as to how the Moon was rotated. We are gathering all of the data we can right now. What we can say is that it seems to have happened at roughly ten a.m. our time. Which would have been the middle of the night in East Asia. However, due to substantial cloud cover from an evening storm in the area, we aren't sure what kind of data or observations we can collect. And let's face it; no one has given a damn about the Moon in almost fifty years.
GARY: Uh, thank you, Doctor. Back to you, Eric.
ERIC: More on this story as it develops. We go now to--

INT.  SEELE CONFERENCE ROOM - TIME UNKNOWN
We see now that this is the SEELE conference room. The SOUND-ONLY monoliths are different though, replaced by a bunch of old-fashioned wind bags--er, dirigibles.
SEELE 01: Gentlemen, this goes far beyond harmless practical jokes. I believe we are being given a message.
SEELE 03: Indeed, in dipping our hands in warm water or using the shaving cream and tickle the nose joke, they've proven that they can get to us in our sleep.
SEELE 06: And in flipping the Moon, they've demonstrated the power they wield.
SEELE 09: That this is the fourth conference channel we've discovered hacked proves they could be monitoring us this very moment.
SEELE 07: Clearly, we've been underestimating them for quite some time.
SEELE 11: Our schedule is intact for the moment. But there is no telling how long that will last.
SEELE 04: They've been fortifying NERV against an invasion for some time now. That alone throws our schedule off.
SEELE 08: There are plans to deal with that.
SEELE 02: Plans, great, what are we actually going to DO?
SEELE 10: We're being watched, all we can do is talk in round-about allusive riddles.
SEELE 05: When don't we though? I don't know about you guys but I have no idea what we do anymore.
SEELE 01: We are evolving Humanity to become greater than itself, to become the Lord's new Angel and return to Heaven where we belong.
SEELE 05: Wait. Really?
SEELE 02: That's insane!
SEELE 08: You told this council that fighting the Angels would prove our worth to God. That when Judgment Day arrived we would have redeemed ourselves. You didn't say anything about evolution and getting everyone killed at once!
SEELE 04: What did you think we were doing here? Making s'mores and singing "Kumbaya?"
SEELE 06: I kind of liked the s'mores.
SEELE 05: I understood this Council controlled the world. That we held a higher view on events than even government leaders.
SEELE 02: Yeah, I thought we were here to rule the world, not end it.
SEELE 07: Nope, evolve Humanity, go to Heaven.
SEELE 02: ...
SEELE 05: Well, I think I can live with that.
SEELE 02: Yeah, me too. At least until all our souls are crushed together and we kill everyone.
SEELE 05: Yeah, that's what I meant.
SEELE 08: You do know that if we don't co-operate they'll be hard pressed to find people crazy enough to go along with them. I mean we're killing everyone. Everyone.
SEELE 05: Yeah, but the way I see it. Fuck 'em.
SEELE 02: Yeah, Fuck 'em.
SEELE 08: ... You're right. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.
SEELE 01: (grumbling) Oh my vengeful God, one way or another we are all going to die.
SEELE 03: So then, what are we going to do about this problem?
SEELE 01: All we can do is carry on. And wait for the time to strike.

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - MOMENTS LATER
Back at NERV where everything is--
MISATO: Where is he?!
--business as usual.
ANDY: (staring at the screen) The Moon, he moved the Moon.
Angry Asian women have this strange ability to talk down to people far larger than themselves.
MISATO: Where the hell is that son of a bitch?!
ANDY: Gah! (recoiling) What is your problem? You've been taking things rather personal today.
MISATO: Talk. Or parts of you go missing.
ANDY: What?
MISATO: Where. Is. Genoni.
ANDY: He won't even remember doing it.
MISATO: (calming down little by little) He's got to be held accountable, I mean, Jesus, he spun the fucking Moon! I didn't even know you guys had that kind of power.
ANDY: Neither did I. But I suppose he did level up yesterday.
JARED: (over Andy's Mini-MAGI, still disbelieving tone) Five times.
ANDY: Yes, (nodding) he leveled five times.
Misato is caught for a moment between asking how long Andy has kept Jared connected and asking just what in God's name are they talking about.
MISATO: What in God's name are you talking about!? What do you mean "leveled?"
ANDY: Well...
MISATO: Do you mean DBZ power-"level?" Do you mean Super Saiyajin "level?" Do you mean RPG "level" up?
ANDY: (shrugs) I honestly don't know. But whatever happened, it happened five times.
MISATO: Who are you people?!
ANDY: (poses mysteriously) We are those who know.
MISATO: You just said you didn't know!
ANDY: (faltering) Well, uh...
MISATO: (throws her hands up) UGH! I can feel my brain decay when I talk to you.
Misato stomps off, abusing the door button on her way out. Andy looks around for a moment and then follows.
MISATO: Why are you following me?
ANDY: (casual) Just keeping you from John.
MISATO: May I ask why?
ANDY: Well, he's stage four. He's kind of impressionable at this stage. But more importantly, if people start showing up and yelling at him, he will get sad.
MISATO: Which will make him go into stage five in which he will become suicidal.
ANDY: Correct. And since you're the only one in NERV on their feet, coupled with your strong maternal instincts and nosy female nature (ignores the slap) you present the greatest risk to John at this moment.

INT.  GOONS' OFFICE - SAME TIME
John is sitting on the couch twiddling his thumbs. Looking around the office, he spies his immaculately clean work space completely covered in forms and reports that have piled up in his absence. The other desks are complete messes. Andy's origami battle fleet is in disarray, parts and pieces of Jared's engineering projects litter and leak onto the surface, papers grossly stuffed into the drawers peek out. All in all, the office is a mess.
JOHN: (sighs)

INT.  HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE GOONS' OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
John pokes his head out, looking both ways carefully. Across the hall is the janitor's closet. In addition to being a temporary pilot storage room, it actually did hold a number of cleaning items.
ANDY: (voice over) Just wait there for us to come get you, okay?
John reaches out with his hand at the door. It clearly is not going to reach. Next he hops out on one foot, keeping the other hooked to the door jamb. He stretches as far as he can, but doesn't come close to the door. John hops back into the office.
A few minutes later John hops on one leg out of the office again, this time a yard stick is taped to his foot. Keeping the stick firmly against the office door jamb, he barely manages to touch the open button to the closet. But looking back he sees he is out of ruler. John sighs again and hops back to the office.
Once again a few more minutes later John hops out of the office on one foot, and hooks his foot on the door jamb. On his head is a paper cone, with lots of blue ink scribbled over it. He stabs his fingers at the door, wiggling them trying to will the tools inside to life.
A bit later, a long probe made of taped-together pens extends from the Goons office and presses the "Door Open" button to the closet. There's a small "bang!" and a small harpoon with a line attached shoots across the hallway. The line tightens and soon, John is visible crawling along the cable upside-down into the closet. There is some rummaging noises. Then John crawls back, dragging a custodial cart with his foot.
JOHN: (snickering) Genius, pure genius...

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - SAME TIME
In the recreational area, home to the Entertainment System, the Couch, the Coffee Table, and a number of other pieces of furniture titled with capital letters, Jared has been and continues to be hard at work.
Stacks of Manga sit next to a scanner glowing under its case; a multi-disk DVD player lays buried under innumerable disk cases; the heads of the VCR whine as they fast forward; and a CD player selects another track. All these devices and more are connected to an open computer case that's already been hit with a fire extinguisher once. And that's just on the Coffee Table. Jared has dragged the kitchen table closer and smothered it in charts, spreadsheets, and graphs. A large white board stands behind the newest couch covered in red, black, and blue ink such that no white remains. A holographic monitor floats above every station displaying hard data figures and images of the activity going on.
Jared crashes into the couch holding a stack of print-outs in his ink-stained arms.
JARED: (to no one) This would be easier with Andy here. (sets his Mini-MAGI to communication mode) Andy? Got a minute?
ANDY: Huh? Yeah, Misato has been told to keep clear of John for today. It wasn't easy considering what he did.
JARED: (clearly not listening) Yeah, yeah, that's great. I think I have his core personality nailed down and about half of the sloppy mess he calls a fighting style. I really wish I had my notes from back home to work with; I made an algorithm to try to streamline the process but it's still going to take all day. And I gotta tell ya, it's damn annoying finding out a series doesn't exist here.
ANDY: What? You mean Star Wars?
JARED: Not just that, but yeah. I've known we were having an affect on the story of Eva, but it's like the rules to a cross-over.
ANDY: But Dragonball is still a show here.
JARED: We saw it first. We didn't come in here thinking we knew the Kamehameha. But John did think he had some Jedi training before we arrived. Nothing ever came of it until we arrived here, but it was already there.
ANDY: Then Ritsuko starts using the Force... You think John is having the most affect on this world?
JARED: Why wouldn't he? He's the least stable and these personality patches make him the most "in tune" with an anime world.
ANDY: So, what do we do with this? Are you thinking we can affect the world around us based on what we put into John's head?
JARED: Not exactly, but sort of. The thing is, I'm not sure if it's too late to affect things anymore or if we'd even notice if we did.
ANDY: Well, (sighs) crap, I don't know. Do we want to try this right now?
JARED: If I got rid of all of the war-related stuff, I'd have to start over again from scratch. And John can't possibly have so much affect that the JSSDF will suddenly decide to blow bubbles and sing about rainbows.
ANDY: We will have to look into it sometime or another though. Just get John back right now. We'll deal with it later.
JARED: Ok, one more thing: Ritsuko.
ANDY: What about her? She's in caffeine withdrawal currently.
JARED: (winces) Ouch. No, I mean her and John.
ANDY: (you can hear him roll his eyes) Ugh. Just use the scene when Heero Yuy first met Relena Peacecraft.
JARED: (quoting) "I'm going to kill you?"
ANDY: I think it accurately describes their relationship.
JARED: ... Look, if NERV is safe then how about you head back here and give me a hand, okay? Bring John (pause) no (reconsiders) yes (grabs his forehead) wait.
ANDY: Hmm?
JARED: I need help here. John needs supervision until I'm done. Solve the problem.
ANDY: James?
JARED: Dude, stop and think about that one for a second.
ANDY: Oh. Yeah, that would be bad. Kids?
JARED: Seriously?
ANDY: Well, no, I guess not. Wait, are we looking for babysitters or archivists?
JARED: Either.
ANDY: So after the kids get out of school invite them over and have them help sort stuff. And really, James would be a big help to you as well.
JARED: James has a history of not doing what he's told. He may decide to go off and make John into some kind of weapon to fight some global conspiracy.
ANDY: Like SEELE?
JARED: ...
ANDY: ...
JARED: (rubbing his chin) Hmmm...
JOHN: Uh, guys?
JARED: Yes, John?
ANDY: Something wrong?
JOHN: I really need to go to the bathroom. But you said not to leave the office and I don't have enough grappling hooks to make it that far down the hall.
JARED: ... Grappling hooks?
ANDY: Uh... Yeah, go ahead. But be sure to go back to the office when you're done.
JOHN: Okay, thanks!
JARED: Grappling hooks?
ANDY: I don't really want to know.
JARED: I gotta get back to work, I'll send a message to the kids and have them come over and help.
ANDY: Ok, I'm going to head on up to the office.

INT.  PILOTS' HIGH SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
Asuka and Shinji sit apart, heads low while the principal lectures them.
PRINCIPAL: Now I know what it is like to be a teenager. Yes, even I was your age once, so long ago. So many new experiences, hormones raging...
ASUKA: (whispering sharply to Shinji) You said the windows were tinted!
SHINJI: (whispering back) They were! I can't help it if you're the only one with flaming red hair for a thousand miles!
PRINCIPAL: (still droning) ... must be personally responsible for your actions...

The long overdue gratuitous shower scene goes here.
The long overdue gratuitous dressing scene goes here.
What? I could go on for pages and pages and this thing is long as it is!
Oh, so now I'm supposed to spend all of my time talking about drops of water tracing down Ritsuko's glistening body? Or soft silk lingerie sliding up her long luscious legs to hug her full hips and keep her warm spots even warmer?
Well, tough. Use your imaginations. And when you're done, you can catch up. This story is moving on.

And uh, tell me about what you came up with. ;)

INT.  HALLWAY NEAR THE GOONS' OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Ritsuko, refreshed after such a trying morning, slows her step as she approaches. Having received reports about all kinds of weird crap launched from the Goon's office, it was common sense to be cautious around the unpredictable trio.
For example, these little holes in the wall were new.
Ritsuko stops and doesn't pass in front of the strange hole. After all who knows what could've been set inside it? Andy arrives as Ritsuko begins to probe at the hole with a pen.
ANDY: Oh. (doesn't notice Ritsuko almost jump at his interruption) That's what he meant.
RITSUKO: (puts her pen away, but still doesn't risk crossing in front of the hole) And just what is this?
ANDY: Grappling hook hole. (points at a similar hole on the other side of the hallway a short way down) He was using a series of grappling hooks to try to get to the restroom around the corner, but he said he had run out. (muses) Must've pulled them out on his way back.
RITSUKO: And why was he scoring an otherwise perfect paint scheme on the wall?
ANDY: He took something we told him to mean he wasn't to set foot outside the office. Speaking of which, what are you doing here?
RITSUKO: Nothing I have to tell you.
ANDY: Stay away from John, he's in a delicate position right now and doesn't need the likes of you around to make things worse.
RITSUKO: Well he certainly doesn't need a pair of idiots scrambling his brain and then brainwashing him to fulfill some sick, petty otaku dream.
ANDY: How dare you. You have no idea who John really is. I've half a mind to show you the real John so you can see how bad off he really is. And the other half wants to put you in the infirmary until this whole mess is over so you're given the mercy of never finding out what despair truly looks like.
Ritsuko slides her lab coat back gunfighter-style to display her lightsaber.
RITSUKO: Try me. You'll find out why some of the greatest warriors in the world bow to me as their master.
For a full minute, neither of them moves.
Then John brushes past.
JOHN: I missed lunch, so I'm heading up to the new Nacho bar in the level three cafeteria. I'll be right back.
ANDY: < o_o > ... (blink) ... < o_o >
RITSUKO: < o_o > ... (blink) ... < o_o >
John stops mid-step and turns around. Walking back to the pair in the hallway, he steps right between Andy and Ritsuko, facing the Doctor.
JOHN: We need to talk. (to Andy) Excuse us.
John grabs Ritsuko's right forearm and with his left hand and puts two fingers to his forehead.
Andy stands there blinking for a moment. Caught somewhere between concern and the full-on aggression he'd been ramping up towards, all the eldest Goon can do is stare at the vacant hallway. A release is needed to un-jam the gears in his head.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Andy appears and immediately starts yelling at Jared. Mostly unintelligible wordless nonsense. But Jared finally gets a word in after a minute.
JARED: Why are you screaming at me?!
ANDY: Because John's with Ritsuko, telling her everything!
JARED: Somehow you have answered my question without answering my question.
ANDY: (blinks) What hunh now? (resumes screaming)
JARED: Man, some people... (points to Hikari and Toji) Back to work! We've got to finish this program! (sighs) Andy... ANDY!
ANDY: (stops) what?
JARED: Find John, stay on him. If he's telling her everything, it's not going to be a happy story. (Jared makes a few nodding gestures)
ANDY: (repeats the motion) What the hell does that mean? ... Oh, you mean John will soon hit stage 5 and try to kill himself. (basks in his own smarts)
TOJI: He's going to what?!
JARED: Nothing, finish sorting those graphics, we should already be on the clips by now. (notices Andy still present) GO!
Andy yips and vanishes.

INT.  LEVEL THREE CAFETERIA IN NERV - LATE AFTERNOON
The room is not as large as some of the main food consumption areas. Mostly due to space considerations, but also from the international and experimental nature on the facility. For the brave or the curious, the cafeteria offered far greater choice in terms of food. The new Nacho bar was a testament to the spirit of the room. Allowing patrons the opportunity to try their hand at creating a Tex-Mex dish.
The mid-afternoon time allowed for a relatively empty area. So it didn't cause too much of a stir when John appeared in the room suddenly with the Head of Project E. Even when Doctor Akagi started shouting and railing at the Goon.
RITSUKO: How dare you! Don't you ever touch me again, you messed up son of a bitch!
JOHN: I was going to just drag you up to here; that would have less dignified. (selects a plate) The reason why I brought you with me is because, as I mentioned, we need to talk, and also you were coming to see me anyway.
John starts rummaging through the selection making his nachos.
RITSUKO: I came to draw blood in your office. Yours, Waddell's, Mucha's, the janitor's; I didn't care.
JOHN: Ah, yet you carry only your lightsaber, which is not known for bloody messes. (mental flash from John's bloody escape) Not usually anyway.
RITSUKO: You were protecting Mucha, weren't you?
JOHN: Andy can hold his own. He wouldn't fight a melee battle if he can just fill the hallway with plasma and fire.
RITSUKO: I'd have--
JOHN: You can talk all you want about what you can, could, would, and should do to Andy. But it's not what is really on your mind right now, is it? (sets the plate under a portable heater to melt the pile of cheese over his nachos) So what really brought you to my office?
RITSUKO: I hate you.
JOHN: (considers this) I've considered that. I disagree.
RITSUKO: Go to Hell.
JOHN: Doctor, as we stand here waiting for my cheese to melt I am reaching total recall of damn near every event in my life from my first skylight to the jalapeño slices two trays down. I'm already in Hell.
RITSUKO: Skylight? ... Cesarean birth.
JOHN: It nicely puts my life in perspective. (pauses and considers) Wow, I've made some dumb mistakes. (retrieves his nachos) Those jalapeños included.
John heads over to a table in the corner; Ritsuko follows and sits across from him.
JOHN: None for yourself?
RITSUKO: I'll steal yours when I feel like it.
JOHN: Oh really? What's stopping me from just absorbing the food and leaving an empty plate?
RITSUKO: Because then I'd stand up, leave the room, and never look back.
JOHN: (sly grin) You'd look back.
RITSUKO: Someday, you're going to be put in your proper place, and I can only hope I get a picture of that moment so I can treasure it always.
JOHN: How cruel.
RITSUKO: You're wasting my time.
JOHN: Let's be honest with each other.
RITSUKO: For how long?
JOHN: For ever?
RITSUKO: No.
JOHN: Today? The next few hours?
RITSUKO: How honest?
JOHN: Completely.
RITSUKO: You smell funny.
JOHN: ...
JOHN: ...
JOHN: (sniffs his arm)
JOHN: ...
JOHN: That would be from cleaning the office. And while you've embraced the terms, I don't think you quite catch the spirit of this.
RITSUKO: Well, Stinky, why don't you go first then?
JOHN: Meaning I just say something that's true, or am I supposed to wait for your question?
RITSUKO: You're an id--... (sigh) Disorganized.
JOHN: No I just play most things by ear. I'm not good at planning the small stuff. Jared's better at that.
RITSUKO: Okay, why are you bothering me?
JOHN: (coughs into his hand) I love you.
The world stops.
RITSUKO: Excuse me?
JOHN: I love you. I tried to fight it; I didn't want to accept it. You're a stuck-up bitch with an ax to grind, you insult me, wish me harm, and no matter how many concessions I make or peace offerings I try, you still treat me like something you stepped in. And yet, there it is. I forgive everything in your past. I respect your intelligence and what you do as a scientist. And regarding you as a woman, there's something extra there.
RITSUKO: ...
JOHN: ...
RITSUKO: Is this about--
JOHN: No, well, barely. Any male-female couple sufficiently drugged has a chance to start making out. What happened that night was mostly Maya's fault. But it did present the idea. And as I reflected on it, I came to realize, I do in fact have feelings for you. So, my question to you: How do you really feel about me?
RITSUKO: ...
Ritsuko covertly looks around, then scowls, as if angry that there are still other people in the world.
RITSUKO: I... Are we still being honest with each other?
JOHN: Yes.
RITSUKO: Damn it. Completely honest?
JOHN: We started like ten minutes ago. Yes.
RITSUKO: ...
John nudges his plate closer to the doctor.
RITSUKO: I... don't hate... (eyes begin to wander in search of the words) you... personally.
JOHN: Could you expand on that?
RITSUKO: My mother never showed affection to anyone. Even her attempted affair with Ikari was done in a cold analytical manner. The most passionate thing she ever did was her murder/suicide. It's not that I never received praise or kind words; it's just that she wasn't very good at being human. (blinks) Oh my God.
JOHN: Hmm? Yeah, the same has been said about Gendo.
RITSUKO: I said that about Ikari.
JOHN: Well, Gendo shut down after his wife died in Unit-01. Your mother, I think, was just naturally cold. But you were saying...
RITSUKO: I don't have... the emotional vocabulary other people do. I don't know how to feel about you. You piss me off, deliberately it seems; you've kidnapped and tortured me, so I don't even know where you get the balls to sit in front of me; and you've even stolen and fought with me. For the love of God, what isn't there to hate about you?! ... But then, there is stuff. Isn't there?
JOHN: Hopefully.
RITSUKO: I'm not here to inflate your ego, Genoni. Let's just leave it that there are some, few, admirable traits, somewhere inside you.
JOHN: Thanks, I think.
RITSUKO: I just... don't get you. You defy not just myself, but my rational, scientific understanding. I've read how during one routine physical the doctor had to run the tests five times to get something alive and human.
JOHN: Dr. Kurusaki... Poor guy eventually just started poking me with his finger to make sure I was really there.
RITSUKO: How did you get this way?
JOHN: It all goes back to the 10th grade, sophomore year in high school. It was that year that Jared transferred in and fate would make us lab partners...

INT.  FLASHBACK - HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
A young George Clooney is sitting at a large table next to the arm of some guy, a Chimpanzee and an Orangutan.
RITSUKO: (OS; clears her throat) …
YOUNG CLOONEY: What? Oh fine. Can't even (grumble) my own flashback. (grumble)
John is sitting at a large table next to the arm of some guy and Jared and Andy, whom are making absurd faces, jabbering nonsense, and banging their heads into the table.
RITSUKO: (OS; warning tone) Genoni...
PAST-JOHN: No I'm serious! (turns to Past-Andy) Stop that.
PAST-ANDY: Some day you're going to reminisce about this day I want to make sure I'm included.
PAST-JOHN: (turns to Past-Jared) But then why--
PAST-JARED: Andy gave me five bucks.
PAST-JOHN: Fine, you're stuck in my memory, happy?
Past-Andy and Past-Jared nod and slump in their chairs looking as bored as everyone else in the class.
RITSUKO: (OS) Wait, there are four of you there, who's the other guy?
JOHN: (voice over) Hmm? Oh, that's Jason.
The camera shifts over to show the neatly dressed, orderly teenager. With dark brown hair, hazel eyes behind casually framed glasses and dressing without looking nerdy or preppy.
The camera shifts back and now completely excludes Jason.
RITSUKO: (OS) What happened to him? (camera moves back to Jason)
JOHN: (VO) Nothing, he got hit by a log.

INT.  FLASHBACK - RANDOM CLASSROOM - DAY
A grumpy teacher approaches the closed wooden door, Jason rushes in front.
JASON: (politely) Allow me, sir.
MR. FERGUSON: Oh, thank you, Jason. (stands aside)
Jason turns the handle and a giant log explodes through the doorway, down the hall, through several classrooms, and outside the school building.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - GRAVEYARD - DAY
A funeral where countless students mourn and put personal effects into an empty casket. A picture of Jason's smiling face resides over the coffin.

INT.  FLASHBACK - HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
JOHN: (VO) Anyway--
RITSUKO: (OS) You killed him?!
JOHN: (VO) Well, technically we never found the body. He could be off somewhere plotting his terrible revenge for all we know. (annoyed) May I continue?
RITSUKO: (OS) You are all horrible, horrible monsters!
PAST-JOHN: MOVING ON!
The other students look at John.
PAST-JOHN: (clears his throat) So, one day the teacher--
RITSUKO: (OS) Wait.
PAST-JOHN: What now?
RITSUKO: (OS) Your glasses, I can see through them.
Camera zooms in on John's green eyes.
PAST-JOHN: (shoving the camera out of his face) Yeah, I used to have green eyes. They changed after the accident.
RITSUKO: (OS) This coming accident in high school?
PAST-JOHN: No, later. Can I please finish this part?!
MR. FERGUSON: Something you wish to add, Mr. Genoa?
PAST-JOHN: It's Genoni. And shush, this is an aside. You're not supposed to be listening. (clears throat) So the teacher gives us an open project. He wants us to put together a demonstration of science and technology, yadda yadda yadda.
MR. FERGUSON: --science and technology, yadda yadda yadda...
JOHN: (VO) And so Jason says:
JASON: (in John's voice) Blah blah blah, something about being better than everyone; blah blah you idiots; blah blah cutting edge.
PAST-JARED: (John's voice) blah blah blah quantum mechanics blah blah.
PAST-ANDY: (unintelligible gibberish)
PAST-JOHN: (groans) Can't we like, just build a robot arm or something?
ANDY: (John's Voice) Mecha?
JASON: (John's voice) No, we're going to blah blah blah quantum mechanics is bunk blah blah M.I.T. blah blah dump of a town.
Time freezes, except for Past-John, who looks like a parade of zombies have been marching on his grave.
JOHN: (VO) So we decide to put together a demonstration of practical quantum mechanics. Yes, we are still fifteen; no, we don't have a clue what we're doing. And yes, Jason and I were going to secretly build a back-up project for when this horribly fails. I used to be friends with Jason and we pretty much held a disdain towards everyone. We weren't anywhere near what we're like now. Andy was withdrawn, Jared was shy about women, and I was much more aggressive. Not a bully, oh no, I was an anti-bully, a vigilante of the weak. I got my ass kicked constantly, but at least I stood up. That was actually one of the reasons I started to hang out with Jared, he pulled a guy off me once and knocked him flat. We hung out after that. Andy, I've known since grade school.
RITSUKO: (OS) Wait, so Jared taught you martial arts?
JOHN: (VO) Did I say that? Anyway, (fast forward a few months) we build this... thing. And worst of all, the teacher sprung a group of engineers from Hanford on us. They were going to judge the projects. Had that the teacher told us we'd be showing off to important people, many of us might have put more effort into our projects. He pulled all kinds of crap like this on us, hence our inevitable attempt on his life with the log.
RITSUKO: (OS) And the project?
JOHN: (VO) Applied quantum mechanics. We had the idea that we could... I dunno, a goldfish was supposed to go in one end and I'm not exactly sure what was supposed to happen. Maybe it was supposed to teleport the fish, or maybe it was supposed to mutate the fish, or blink it out of existence. The point is, there was a goldfish.
RITSUKO: (OS) Where did the goldfish come from?
JOHN: (VO) A pet store, it's a friggin' goldfish!

INT.  FLASHBACK - FABULOUS PET STORE - DAY
The Goons and Jason stand around one aquarium that holds a single goldfish staring blankly at its reflection. Creepy sci-fi music starts playing.

INT.  FLASHBACK - SCHOOL SCIENCE FAIR - DAY
The same gold fish is now in a bowl on one of the many tables; arcane machinery surrounds the glass prison.
JOHN: (VO) So we turn it on.
Andy turns on the strange machine.
Fade to white.
Static.
Fade back.
The building is gone. Completely. There isn't even a floor, it's just dry dirt and pipes sheered off at ground level. One several yards away from the crowd is spewing water into the air. No tables, no machines, no projects, nothing. John, Jared, Andy, Jason, Mr. Ferguson, the Hanford engineers, and the rest of the class stand staring blankly at the nothing. John is holding a bowl of water with the goldfish swimming around in a panic. In the distance, doors slam shut on a black sedan and the car drives off.

INT.  LEVEL THREE CAFETERIA IN NERV - PRESENT TIME
John and the 'good' Doctor are still sitting at one the many tables.
RITSUKO: I thought you said you remembered everything.
JOHN: Everything except the Computer Science Incident. But then, no-one else remembered what happened there either.
RITSUKO: So... You sunk your classroom into a Sea of Dirac?
JOHN: I don't know what happened. I suspect that whatever happened, an agency of some kind showed up cleaned up the mess and wiped our memories of the whole thing. But after the incident life began to get strange, almost cartoony.
RITSUKO: Like?
JOHN: Well, like Jared studying Ninjitsu in college. It was a sanctioned course, with credits even!
RITSUKO: So? It's not unheard of for some places to offer such courses, and America does tend to have an open policy on normally sacred training that should ideally begin before pre-school.
JOHN: Ok, see, your perspective is a little off, because you think you've lived in this all your life. But I can actually remember when things were different. So can Jared and Andy.
RITSUKO: (clearly not caring) Fascinating. So if this incident in High School is what you think your chaotic energy originates from, then how did you... get your shadow?
JOHN: Well, ever since when I was a young boy I've blocked the course of light from various sources--
RITSUKO: Shut up.
JOHN: (grins) …
RITSUKO: Once again, without the sass.
JOHN: After high school, I went to college. I can't say which one, partly because this is when Jared and Andy started overwriting my memories so a lot of details are a little fuzzy, and mostly because it's not any of your damn business.
RITSUKO: You're aware they've been tampering with your memories?
JOHN: All is laid bare in Stage 4. It's kind of depressing.
RITSUKO: Well, We'll get to that later.
JOHN: So, college... On my own for the first time, no parents to bail you out of trouble. Everything you think you know turns out to be a load of crap, and if you were the genius of your high school then you're just barely above moron.
RITSUKO: Did you crash?
JOHN: Hard. Not even two months in, my brain was fried from trying to be a good student. The R.A. of my dorm actually sent me to a party for fear of me snapping. But it was there that I met her.
RITSUKO: (poker face) Her?
JOHN: She was... everything. Brilliant, beautiful, absolutely devious. She loved challenges: pitting herself against others, or just seeing people squirm. She loved college, kept jumping majors as soon as they became boring. So, anyway, I was at this party, young, dumb, and still a little brain fried from homework and I decide to ask this girl to dance.
RITSUKO: Your everything girl?
JOHN: No, this is just some dumb blonde.
RITSUKO: Dumb blonde.
JOHN: You're Japanese! You're about as blonde as I am blue! (tugs his shirt) Anyway, I was shot down. No, I was shot down, captured, tortured, humiliated, and then sent home stuffed with cabbage. I drifted to the bar and found an open spot.

INT.  FLASHBACK - A PACKED BAR - NIGHT
A young John Genoni stands before the bar with the look of a man who's just lost his testicles to a wolverine. If the camera wasn't focused on him he might have not been recognized without his glasses.
RITSUKO: (VO) Contacts?
JOHN: (VO) After the Computer Science incident, my eyesight fixed itself eventually. Are you going to--
RITSUKO: (VO) Just carry on.
JOHN: (VO) She was working part-time as a bartender. I had made the mistake in assuming she was a benevolent spirit and so, came to her with my problem.
The camera whips around to see a young woman in her early twenties and probably third year. She has long raven hair with violet streaks and dark Mediterranean features suggesting a strong Southern Italian heritage. The low lighting in the bar makes her sharp, dark brown eyes seem almost black. At maybe 5'7", half of her is hidden by the bar, but the visible parts don't disappoint. The bar's red shirt fits her like a second skin, placing the silver logo directly over her greatly adequate breasts. Her sleek, toned arms move with quick precision as she prepares a set of drinks, but with a mechanical quality like she has more important things on her mind than pleasing fellow college-goers.
PAST-JOHN: Excuse me, I lost my self-confidence. It wasn't that big. Anything scurry near you recently? Do you guys have a lost and found box?
BARTENDER: No more confidence? Well that's not right. I can't crush your spirit if it's already gone. Sit down.
PAST-JOHN: Crush my what?
BARTENDER: I said, sit down.
PAST-JOHN: (sitting, aside) What could I do but obey?
The bartender ducks under the bar for a moment, then returns with a drink.
JOHN: (VO) It looked normal until the crazy bitch set it on fire.
Sure enough, the bartender offers John a concoction that seems quite flammable.
BARTENDER: (fire reflected in her brown eyes) Drink it.
JOHN: (VO) I hesitated for a second, running through all the bad things that could happen. Then I remembered I was depressed and wasn't supposed to care. I swallowed the drink before I could stop myself.
Finished with his narration, John grabs the drink and downs in one go. Once he's done, he actually looks surprised at what just happened.
JOHN: (VO) I must have pleased her because she set about making another one. (in the background, the Bartender does just that) For something so flammable I didn't feel anything from that drink past what hot soup feels like going down your throat.
BARTENDER: Oh, it's not alcoholic, kid. Now, think you can do another one? (offers up another drink)
PAST-JOHN: Yes. (slams back the next one)
JOHN: (VO) Once you got past the fire, it was actually really good. Turns out, it's orange juice for color and some syrups for flavor. Only the thin layer of liqueur on top was flammable. Granted, a person of any intelligence or common sense would have blown the flame out before consuming but no one in a bar ever claimed to possess either.
The bartender whistles sharply, commanding everyone's attention. Like a Ringmaster in her element, she makes a big production about how John is braver than any man in the room and no one else could have him.
JOHN: (VO) Then she lit the third drink and I drank that too. (pauses as his past self swallows the drink) I've never had a round of applause all to myself until then.
JOHN: (VO; as a horde of guys crowd the bar) Men around the room were Pride-bound to try "The Crucible," as she called it.
We see someone going down in a minor fireball.
JOHN: (VO) Of course, since I was sober and they were not, I never was in danger of my own breath catching fire.
Grinning, the bartender watches four guys drop like rocks, choking, before she stops making the drinks and stops to admire her handiwork with a satisfied smile.
We fade to outside of the bar, where the bartender is dragging John out of the establishment by the collar.
JOHN: (VO) When the ambulance came for the fallen, the party was officially over. She snuck out, taking me with her.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - MOSTLY EMPTY STREET - NIGHT
The bartender puts John on his feet and brushes him off, then the pair begins walking down the sidewalk as casual as can be.
JOHN: (VO) We walked for a block or two in silence in no particular direction, until a police car drove past towards the party. (a police car drives past) That was when she spoke again.
BARTENDER: Oh that was fun. Of course, I'm probably fired now.
PAST-JOHN: Uh, sorry to hear that.
BARTENDER: Nah, I was just there so I could mess with people when they're stupid and drunk. You get a really interesting perspective of people behind a bar. I am impressed though, not many people will drink something while it's on fire. Pretty stupid of you. (laughs)
PAST-JOHN: Just burnt out from school. I don't normally do things of such monumental idiocy.
BARTENDER: Architect major?
PAST-JOHN: Physics... currently. I'm told I'm going to switch in less than a year or so.
BARTENDER: Yeah, that's the average.
PAST-JOHN: (coughs) I think I cooked my vocal cords. (clears his throat) John.
The girl stops laughing as if John said something offensive.
BARTENDER: No, no, no, that won't do.
She drags John into a streetlight's illumination and makes a point to walk around him. She wears a leather jacket and jeans that may have been sewn on. Once she completes her walk-around she puts her hands on her hips and absently taps her nails on her studded leather belt.
BARTENDER: Well, (with emphasis) John, it's a shame you have a name. A damn shame.
PAST-JOHN: Really? Mom thought it was a good idea.
BARTENDER: I think I liked you better when you didn't have a name. You had some mystery to you, an allure. Are you a David? A Walter? Mmm, Brad... But no, you're John.
PAST-JOHN: Well, (shifts to VO) I was beginning to understand her angle, and certainly couldn't do any worse for the night. (resumes talking to the bartender) Now you can tell your friends about John, the fire-drinking idiot. And I will regale my floor with tales about the psychotic bartender who put four guys in the hospital because she likes to pick on drunks.
PSYCHOTIC BARTENDER: Psychotic Bartender? I have your name, John. I have power over you. Leverage. I'm a few syllables from finding you in your sleep.
PAST-JOHN:  I can think of a fun way to arrange that. Trade you clothes for syllables, Carmen?
PSYCHOTIC BARTENDER: How did--?
PAST-JOHN: Your boss was shouting it while we were sneaking out. I had just assumed, but you just confirmed it.
CARMEN: ... You aren't wearing enough clothes for (a car with a bullhorn where the muffler should be rolls by, obscuring the last name).
PAST-JOHN: And you have too many for Genoni. Handicap me your jacket and pants?
CARMEN: Hmm.
PAST-JOHN: Hmm?
CARMEN: I think we found where your confidence scurried off.
PAST-JOHN: Well, I--
CARMEN: Shh. You're done talking. Come with me.
PAST-JOHN: Where?
CARMEN: Someplace I can lie down, be comfortable, and we can do it. You talk way too much. Just stay quiet. Jesus, all I wanted was some ass tonight and you had to be a conversationalist.
The two resume walking.
JOHN: (VO) It's probably true that I talked too much. But I kept quiet the whole way back to her rental. After that there was some noise. A... lot of noise.
Fade to black.
JOHN: (VO) I suppose her plan was for that to be it. Find a guy, mess with his head, sleep with him and then kick him out. But then she called me up for sex about a week later. I got upgraded to booty call. It was great; don't let any man under 30 tell you they don't want to be used like that. But the calls began to get more frequent, pretty soon, it wasn't about the sex anymore. We were going to shows and taking walks. I realized I had fallen in love and Carmen's biggest fear was that she had too. So one night we were taking a walk in the park, as is the wont of couples.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - PARK - AFTERNOON
CARMEN: I have an Applied Hypothetical question for you.
PAST-JOHN: Applied? Ok, shoot.
CARMEN: I snap and become psychotic--
PAST-JOHN: (smirks) Become psychotic?
Carmen turns suddenly and kicks John in the gut. From his new vantage point on the ground, he tries to shove air back into his lungs.
CARMEN: As I was saying, become psychotic and attack you. What do you do?
PAST-JOHN: (through some coughing) After I catch my breath?
CARMEN: Yes, after you catch your breath.
She rests a hand on her hip and starts tapping her belt. She wears her studded leather affair, the late fall weather still demanding jeans and a leather jacket, though it's now zipped up. Her raven-black hair is down and loose to the cold breeze threatening to bring winter. She's stopped dying streaks into it.
PAST-JOHN: (still coughing) I suppose this comes down to the tried-and-true Fight or Flight response. (waits for Carmen to nod before continuing) My "Y" chromosome would demand I stay and fight, I outweigh you so it's possible I could subdue you until you calmed down. My other chromosome would recommend I run, you're a black belt in Karate and better conditioned.
CARMEN: Yeah, it'd be very wise for you to listen to your "X" and leave.
JOHN: (VO) I wasn't sure if I heard that right.
PAST-JOHN: (to Carmen) Is that what this is? Trying to scare me off?
CARMEN: It was fun, but it wasn't supposed to go on this long.
PAST-JOHN: But it did. you like me, admit it.
CARMEN: I admit I don't want to see you hurt. but that's exactly what's going to happen if you don't walk away, right now.
John stands up. Carmen drags her foot back, ready to attack.
PAST-JOHN: I (coughs) do not have an "X". And I'm not going to run away from you. And I'm not going to pretend like we don't have something.
CARMEN: Go away.
JOHN: (VO) I was never really sure why I had to leave her. She never told me, I never pressed the issue. It wasn't like her parents had ever abandoned or abused her. I always figured it was an ex-boyfriend that I had to violently thank for the situation. Maybe it was all a test, part of her Complicated Female Head Games. See if I'd run out on her the moment she got difficult.
JOHN: (VO) Whatever her reasons, I couldn't leave her. I really did love her.
PAST-JOHN: (to Carmen) You don't mean that. I can see it in your eyes. Why don't you just tell me what's the problem?
CARMEN: The problem? The problem is you're a stupid kid and I'd be out of my mind to want to be with you.
PAST-JOHN: Now you're just making excuses.
CARMEN: (shouting) Go away!
PAST-JOHN: Tell me why!
CARMEN: I swear, if you say one more word, just one more god damn word, I'm going to kill you.
PAST-JOHN: I love you. I'm not leaving. If you're so keen on breaking up, then you can leave.
Carmen charges forward. Fade to gray.
JOHN: (VO) Sixteen words and a few contractions past her ultimatum, she followed through. Understandably, things get kind of fuzzy for a while after that moment. My world was pain when I was conscious, but those moments were few and far between.

INT.  FLASHBACK - SMALL EXAMINATION ROOM - AFTERNOON
Fade back in. The nurse attending to John's cuts and bruises is at least keeping a more open mind than the waiting room, who viewed Carmen's own injuries as not self-defense, but as the trigger to a very justified beating.
NURSE: So how did this happen?
PAST-JOHN: I fell down some stairs.
John winces, partially from the disinfectant touching a bruise, mostly from the horrible cliché. He notices grass stains among the blood stains and decides to roll with it.
PAST-JOHN: (continuing) At the park. (glance at Carmen's few bruises) I ended up pulling her down with me.
CARMEN: (glaring at John) We got into a fight.
PAST-JOHN: (Mo-men-tum!) Huge guys, football players on crack and steroids. It's a good thing my girlfriend knows karate, eh?
CARMEN: (quietly) I did this to him.
PAST-JOHN: (switching gears) Yeah, I was slapping her around and she had enough.
CARMEN: (becoming more upset) I attacked him first, unprovoked.
PAST-JOHN: Really, it was a long time coming. I've been abusing her for months now. Have to keep them down or they get ideas in their heads, you know?
The nurse is unimpressed. Carmen, on the other hand, is on the verge of tears.
CARMEN: (voice cracking) He didn't deserve this.
PAST-JOHN: Of course I did. Absolutely terrible to her, worst thing in her life.
At this, Carmen just starts crying.
JOHN: (VO) I... may have been trying too hard. The nurse left to get the doctor after making sure we were keeping ice packs on the worst of the swelling. I snagged a tissue and dabbed the tears off her cheek.
Things happen exactly as John describes.
PAST-JOHN: (softly) Careful, you're gonna be crying ice cubes if you keep it up.
CARMEN: What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you lying to them?
PAST-JOHN: I don't want you to get in trouble, duh. Women can actually get in trouble for beating up men these days, ya know.
CARMEN: I deserve it! Jesus Christ, look what I did to you!
PAST-JOHN: (shrugs, winces) You did warn me, so it's mostly my fault.
John tries to smile, but his lip starts bleeding again.
CARMEN: I don't deserve you.
PAST-JOHN: Yeah, but until that better man comes around, I'll keep ya company.
John leans forward and kisses her forehead, leaving behind a bloody misshapen lip-print.
CARMEN: John...
PAST-JOHN: Hey, relax. I'm fine. No harm, no foul.
JOHN: (VO) I blame the concussion and a choice endorphin cocktail for that poor choice in colloquialism.
CARMEN: Can you even see out of that eye? (nodding to his very swollen left)
PAST-JOHN: Not a thing, but that's not important.
JOHN: (VO) I hurt all over. By all rights I should have been pissed, but I wasn't upset at her.
CARMEN: I'm sorry.
PAST-JOHN: Okay, apology accepted.
CARMEN: (amazed) John, I--
The Doctor enters, interrupting Carmen.
JOHN: (VO) From Minute One, I liked this guy.
DOCTOR: This didn't have anything to do with that damn movie "Fight Club," did it?
PAST-JOHN: No sir, just an argument that got out of hand.
DOCTOR: (sizing up both young adults) I'd say you lost the argument, son.
PAST-JOHN: I'd beg to differ. I think I stood by my principles and defended Hume's Theorem adequately.
DOCTOR: Well, the Nurse tells me you two did this to each other. If that's the case, then I have to put you in separate rooms, take down a lot of information, inform the police, and then wait to be called into court to provide evidence in the domestic abuse case.
PAST-JOHN: (MO-MEN-TUM!) Well, then it's a damn good thing we were just jumped by football players.
DOCTOR: (incredulous) Football players?
PAST-JOHN: (elaborating) Huge ones.
CARMEN: On crack and steroids.
John pauses to look at Carmen in surprise.
DOCTOR: From this school?
PAST-JOHN: Maybe, I don't really know. It was dark.
The Doctor doesn't glance at his watch or the sunlight pouring from the window to contradict John's ad-libbed testimony.
DOCTOR: Then how did you know it was football players that attacked you?
PAST-JOHN: (on a roll) Because they shouted, "Blue-Forty-Two, hut-hut-hike" before they attacked.
DOCTOR: Those damn football players.
PAST-JOHN: (reminding) On steroids.
CARMEN: (adding) And crack.
DOCTOR: Those damn drugged up football players. (clearing his throat signaling the end to games) Well, I better not hear about any "football players" in the near future. Because if I do, I will not hesitate to involve the police. Understand?
PAST-JOHN: Yes, Sir.
CARMEN: Yes, Sir.
DOCTOR: Good. Now, does one of you want to wait outside or...?
CARMEN: (looking directly at John) I'd like to stay with him, if it's okay.
JOHN: (VO) I got the feeling she wasn't exactly answering the Doctor's question.
DOCTOR: Of course, young lady. If it's alright with the kid, then it's fine with me.
PAST-JOHN: (annoyed) Seriously, enough with this "kid" crap. I'm eighteen, I voted, I've gotten laid, and I've been in a fight. I think I've at least earned "Young Man". (huffs) Check her first, those football players didn't go down without a fight.
DOCTOR: Son, I think you're in the most serious shape.
PAST-JOHN: Maybe, but I want another peek at her bra.
CARMEN: (rolling her eyes) This is why I treat you like a kid.
But Carmen lifted her shirt anyway. She was wearing her red lace this time. It looked amazing on her, and looked even better on the bedroom floor.
PAST-JOHN: I'd prefer younger then, say pre-weaning.
Carmen scoffed. The Doctor was a complete professional inspecting her bruises.
DOCTOR: Well, it's just some surface damage, nothing too deep or permanent. They should go away on their own in a few days or I can prescribe some ointment if the swelling becomes a problem.
PAST-JOHN: (pointing at a spot partially hidden by the bra) What about that one up there?
DOCTOR: Well, that tissue is sensitive, but it's not like they are easy to break.
PAST-JOHN: Yeah I guess it must have hurt, because she really laid into those guys afterwards. (pointing at himself) Especially here, here, and pretty much this whole area. Co-incidentally, I suffered similar injuries so for an idea on what kind of shape those football--
DOCTOR: That's enough of that, Young Man.
PAST-JOHN: Yes, Sir.
DOCTOR: Miss, other than the bruises, I'm not seeing anything serious. You should be fine in a couple of days. Contact this office if anything changes, alright?
CARMEN: Thank you, Doctor. (concerned look) So, how is he?
Carmen helps John out of his T-shirt which had been torn in several places and stained with blood in many more. The Doctor seemed immediately concerned with my ribs, trying to feel them through the yellow, purple, and blue splotches.
DOCTOR: There don't seem to be any skeletal injuries. Any pain when breathing?
PAST-JOHN: Not really.
CARMEN: (leaning in) But I felt--heard--Are you sure? I'm positive some of his ribs are cracked, of not outright broken.
PAST-JOHN: (evasive) Carmen, he says I'm fine.
CARMEN: John, I felt them crack. This is serious.
Carmen starts feeling around some of the bruises herself.
JOHN: (VO) It wasn't sunshine and lollipops pushing my bruises like that. But it certainly didn't feel like anything was broken anymore. Yeah, there's a keyword there. You don't get punched in the ribs by a lady who breaks boards and concrete for fun and come away healthy.
DOCTOR: Can you hold your breath?
John takes a not very deep breath but doesn't hold it for long.
DOCTOR: It seems to be just some muscle bruising. If you want I can take some X-rays.
CARMEN: (nodding) Yes, please do.
PAST-JOHN: No, it's not necessary.
CARMEN: Yes, it is.
PAST-JOHN: No, it's--
CARMEN: Are you actually going to argue over this? Of all the things right now you could argue about, with full moral authority no less, you're going to whine about an x-ray? Get the damn x-ray or--
DOCTOR: (coughs) Football. (Coughs)
CARMEN: (freezes, after a few seconds) Please?
JOHN: (VO) It was pointless to argue after that. I let them take the x-rays, and after four attempts, they got their results.
The Doctor looks at a line of photos on the light panel. There's a platypus, a pressed wildflower, a sand castle, and finally a human ribcage and head.
JOHN: (VO) It was a long night after the x-rays. But I was feeling better every minute. It was well past midnight when we finally got to leave.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - MOSTLY EMPTY STREET - NIGHT
CARMEN: John.
PAST-JOHN: Hmm?
CARMEN: Why?
PAST-JOHN: I love you.
CARMEN: (sarcastic) Just how many painkillers did you take?
PAST-JOHN: Like five, I am really, really, really sore. And I think they are mixing with the endorphins. If I start babbling, just let me roll. (goofy grin) This is great.
CARMEN: I could have killed you. I belong in hand-cuffs.
PAST-JOHN: We can arrange that once we get home. Speaking of which, mind if I crash at your place tonight?
CARMEN: You were right, John, I was just trying to scare you off. I was afraid of my feelings for you, but I was too stupid to just--
PAST-JOHN: Hey, you are far more clever than I, me, my... I. There is a very simple way to smooth this whole thing over. Do I love you? I do. Do you love me?
CARMEN: ...
PAST-JOHN: (prompting) I do. I don't do. I do bee do bee do... Christ this is strong shit.
CARMEN: (slightly amazed) They gave you Tylenol. 
PAST-JOHN: Come on, answer before I pass out and you drag me home. Or I suppose I'd have your answer if you dragged me or just let me lay there, lie there, there. Right there looks good. Okay, I'll fall down right over there and then you can drag me, or you can leave me.
CARMEN: I love you.
PAST-JOHN: (clearly not processing correctly) You'll leave me, okay. Wait. What?
CARMEN: I love you. I don't know whether it's because you're so high this might not count, or if I just finally realized it myself. But I do.
PAST-JOHN: Now you're bab-o-ling dear. And... what the hell are those?
HUGE FOOTBALL PLAYERS ON CRACK AND STEROIDS: (shouting) BLUE-FORTY-TWO! HUT-HUT-HIKE! (they charge)
PAST-JOHN: You have got to be shitting m--
CRUNCH!
JOHN: (VO) The rest of that week was a pain-killer fed blur. Carmen visited me every day in the hospital though so it wasn't all bad.
Fade to black.
JOHN: (VO) After that night, we were inseparable. School policy wouldn't let me leave the dorms the first year, so we played musical roommates. This was probably for the best, because two aggressive and manipulative personalities really shouldn't spend too much time together. Not for our lack of trying though. I took up her interests, karate and fencing; she took up mine, anime and video games. I think that really helped vent frustrations that arose in a controlled environment.
RITSUKO: (VO) Why was she able to have you learn a martial art when Jared wasn't?
JOHN: (VO, sarcastic) Because Jared couldn't reward me with sex.
RITSUKO: (VO) Were you afraid of her attacking you again?
JOHN: (VO) Of course not. As I had to explain to her a few months after the "football incident".

EXT.  FLASHBACK - BUSY STREET - EARLY AFTERNOON - THREE MONTHS LATER
John and Carmen are limping to her car. The car is small and decades old, neither Carmen nor the previous owner had put any special value into it and the neglect showed. Its impending occupants seemed just as weathered, though John looks like he had recently insulted a tribe of gorillas.
CARMEN: Congratulations on your yellow belt.
PAST-JOHN: Thank you.
CARMEN: Treat me to ice cream?
PAST-JOHN: I get the crap beaten out of me for a strip of cloth and my reward is to buy you ice cream?
CARMEN: (shrugging) Hey, I don't make the rules. Besides, your reward is at home.
The two enter the vehicle.

INT.  FLASHBACK - BEATER CAR - MOMENTS LATER
The football team is away so traffic is light. John can tell something is on Carmen's mind.
PAST-JOHN: Something on your mind?
CARMEN: Hmm? Oh, well, it's nothing.
PAST-JOHN: (cautionary) Carmen.
CARMEN: (annoyed) I'm trying to concentrate on driving here.
John makes a point to look ahead at the car two blocks away. Her jaw tightens.
PAST-JOHN: (concerned) Sweetie...
CARMEN: Are... Do you feel safe now?
PAST-JOHN: What? In this old clunker?
CARMEN: (annoyed) No. (pensive again) I mean, now that you're a yellow belt, do you feel safer to be with me?
PAST-JOHN: Is that why you think I took karate?
CARMEN: Isn't it? It was right after you were released from the hospital.
PAST-JOHN: Ok, so the timing is suggestive. But maybe I took karate so people wouldn't have to pull angry football players off of me again.
JOHN: (VO) I will not go into the first time angry football players were pulled off me.
CARMEN: (smiling) On crack and steroids.
PAST-JOHN: (laughing at their private joke) I wanted to spend more time with you, share your hobbies.
CARMEN: Really?
PAST-JOHN: Really.
CARMEN: Hobby?
PAST-JOHN: Er, interests.
CARMEN: (sly voice) You said hobbies.
PAST-JOHN: I meant--
CARMEN: I'm telling Sensei you think of Karate as a hobby.
PAST-JOHN: Please don't. (rubbing his shoulder) I hurt.
CARMEN: Did you just buy me another scoop?
PAST-JOHN: (sighing) Mint chocolate chip, right?
She purrs then pulls into the parking lot and gets out.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
PAST-JOHN: (following Carmen) Why do you always get that?
CARMEN: (smiling) It's my favorite.
PAST-JOHN: We have a gallon of it at home.
CARMEN: (passing through the door John opens for her) So?

INT.  FLASHBACK - ICE-CREAM SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
PAST-JOHN: So, why not try something else?
CARMEN: Are you saying that I should try a new flavor when the opportunity arises?
PAST-JOHN: Wait a minute.
CARMEN: Something that looks better or more exotic?
PAST-JOHN: Hey now.
CARMEN: When presented with a choice of the flavor I know and love with all of my heart or some new flavor of the month only good for a temporary satisfaction, you are suggesting--
PAST-JOHN: Okay! How the hell do you do that?
Carmen grins.
PAST-JOHN: (sighs) I love you too.
TIRED ATTENDANT: So what can I get you two?
PAST-JOHN: Mint Chocolate Chip, double scoop and a Carmel Ribbon plus Dulce de Leche.
CARMEN: (musing as she sits) Two belts in three months though...
PAST-JOHN: Hmm? Well you're halfway through your ni-dan, it's just katas for you tomorrow and you're back in black.
CARMEN: Thanks, but I've been working on that for two years. You on the other hand... It's almost unheard of.
PAST-JOHN: Sensei likes me I guess.
CARMEN: No, (correcting) Sensei likes me, and likes abusing boyfriends of the girls in class.
PAST-JOHN: I can believe that. I still think sicking a dozen black belts on me was a little excessive for a yellow belt test. Then again, I'm almost believing Jared's story about his sensei breaking his legs to test him on ground fighting.
CARMEN: Well, they were in town for my test. Plus, you're a hell of a fighter. Sensei informed the rest of the black belts, he's going to advance you as fast as you learn the katas. Though he's putting a freeze on you for a year when you hit brown.
PAST-JOHN: He didn't happen to tell that to the black belts right before my test, did he?
CARMEN: As a matter of fact, he did.
PAST-JOHN: Yeah, that would explain why you guys were lining up to fight.
CARMEN: You won though. That's a feat in itself. It's rare for actual victories during testing, usually it's just a bunch of draws. And it's not just karate; I've never seen swordsmanship like yours.
PAST-JOHN: I'm not that good.
CARMEN: John, it's like you were made to do just about everything you've applied yourself to.
PAST-JOHN: I'm just a fast learner. Need I remind you how many bandages were needed when you first handed me a foil?
CARMEN: That's my other point. No one heals as fast as you do.
PAST-JOHN: I don't heal fast.
CARMEN: You had a black eye when we left the dojo.
John rubs his eye, noticing the swelling has vanished.
PAST-JOHN: Alright, you found me out. I'm an alien from a distant dying planet sent to ensure the survival of my species. We should get back into bed or High Command will disintegrate me.
CARMEN: (scoffs) Which brings me to my third point.
PAST-JOHN: Can we please not discuss our bedroom antics inside an ice cream parlor? I consider it holy ground. What are you complaining about?
CARMEN: I'm not complaining. I'm just... noticing. You aren't like other guys. I'm glad you're mine.
PAST-JOHN: And I couldn't possibly be happier than when I'm with you.
They share a kiss.
JOHN: (VO) Spring went by fast and summer came up. Carmen was used to staying in town helping at the dojo and taking a few summer courses and I didn't really have any reason to go home. Free from the dorms, I secured a house in town and invited her to move in with me. She never asked where I got my money and I don't think she'd believe me if I told her.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - PEACEFUL ONE-STORY HOUSE - DAY
There's a small moving van and a 1964 Silver Metallic Birch Aston Martin DB5 in the driveway.
RITSUKO: (VO) Where did you get the money?
JOHN: (VO) I don't think you'd believe me either. Midway through summer, she finally agreed and was all moved in by the start of the fall semester. I kept in touch with Jared, but Andy seemed to have fallen off the face of the Earth.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - STREET IN FRONT OF FURIOUSLY BURNING HOUSE - NIGHT
Jared stands on the sidewalk, having an animated conversation over a cell phone while silhouetted by the burning building. The fire light also glints off of many guns and other death-dealing implements hanging in his jacket. His face is painted with a grimace of consternation, like he can't find his favorite shirt.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - FOGGY SWAMP - TIME UNKNOWN
Andy is wearing a strange drag uniform, torn in many places, standing in waist-deep waters, wrestling barehanded with a forty-foot serpent with three jaws filled with teeth.
JOHN: (VO) I was complete. I was happy. A year went by. I say it like it was nothing, but those days were the best in my life and I remember them all. I enjoyed the moments of normalcy, and she seemed to enjoy the bits of insanity.

FLASHBACK - MONTAGE:
Shot of another ice cream shop moment.
Shot of the two of them facing down another couple holding the dojo's sign hostage.
Shot of John and Carmen enjoying a sunset walk.
Shot of them fighting off Vikings.
Shot of a fully-cooked breakfast.
Shot of the lovers breaking in on cultists trying to sacrifice a cheerleader.
Shot of Batman and Catwoman at a costume party.
Shot of Catwoman pointing an accusatory finger at a Roman Legionary while Batman puts a blanket over a body.
Fade to black.
JOHN: (VO) We eventually reached that point in a relationship where the thought of being apart was unthinkable. The word "marriage" and its numerous aliases started sneaking into conversations.
Shot of John and Carmen, during 'The Moment." 
Fade to black.
JOHN: (VO) Then conversations turned to our families. I was greatly hesitant to have her meet mine, and she wasn't too thrilled either. But we decided it was the right thing to do and what better time than the coming holiday season when that special kind of familial love was in everyone's hearts. A coin flip decided we'd visit her family for Thanksgiving and then mine for Christmas. (pauses for a long moment)
RITSUKO: (OS) John?

EXT.  FLASHBACK - INTERSECTION AS JOHN DESCRIBES - DAY
JOHN: (VO) We left early to beat traffic and stopped in a small town off the highway for a late breakfast. She ordered a Denver omelet; I had scrambled eggs and bacon. We got back into the car and stopped at the intersection. I was driving. I waited with my left blinker on. A Honda Accord and a Dodge Stratus passed from the left. A Chevy pickup and a Ford Mustang passed on the right. There was a cloud in the sky that looked like a lionhead goldfish. There were no cars on the left. Another truck on the right, this time a small Mitsubishi. Behind it, a Ford Taurus. Then nothing. Nothing for a mile in any direction. Nothing in front of us, nothing to the left, nothing to the right, and a Ford Explorer behind us. I had gotten her a new car when the Vikings set hers on fire. It could go from zero to sixty in twelve seconds even with our bags in it.
JOHN: (VO) I pulled out.
Carmen's sedan does so, engine purring as it accelerates.
JOHN: (VO) There was nothing there. I swear it. You can't not notice a vehicle that size.
A semi-truck and trailer comes from out of frame and rams the sedan on its left side. The screen goes black but we can hear the screeching tires, shattering glass, and tearing metal. The crescendo of destruction goes on and on and on…
And then horrible, horrible silence.

INT.  FLASHBACK - HOSPITAL ROOM - DAYS LATER
Fade in on a hospital room. John slowly opens his eyes. His once vibrant green eyes have dimmed; the whites of his eyes are gray. Jared and Andy can be heard arguing outside.
PAST-JARED: Me?! What about you?! Where the hell have you been?!
PAST-ANDY: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
PAST-JARED: Wouldn't--of all the--if you had an inkling of what I've done...
PAST-ANDY: You think I was spending the last two years sipping margaritas on the beach?
PAST-JARED: I haven't really had the time to contemplate what you--
NURSE: Shush! This is a hospital!
The two are quiet for a minute then finally enter.
Jared's eyes are insomniac, wearing the look of a man who's had life mug him and steal everything precious to him. A resolute will to survive seems to be propping him up. Then he catches a glance at John and the mask comes on. Manic energy fills his eyes and limbs and his walk gains a confident strut. Similarly, Andy has the look of a man who has seen more than his fill of trouble. There's a paranoia to him, like he's expecting an attack to come from every possible direction. But that will to survive is present and the Goon will carry on.
PAST-JOHN: Hey Guys, long time no see.
PAST-JARED: Hey man, how do you feel?
PAST-JOHN: Like shit, but since I wasn't feeling anything at all, I guess it's an improvement. (to Andy) Dude, you got a tattoo?
Andy nervously tugs on the sleeve of his Aloha shirt to cover the runic mark on his arm more.
PAST-ANDY: Brand.
PAST-JOHN: You got branded? What, did you wander into a cattle farm or something?
PAST-ANDY: In a manner of speaking. It's healing, don't worry about it.
PAST-JOHN: Look, I know it's been a while but I need you guys to do me a favor. I've been in and out of consciousness and at least a dozen different doctors have come by, but no one is telling me anything. Find out what happened to Carmen (a machine in the corner goes "Bing" loudly), please. I need to know.
PAST-JARED: Carmen ("Doctor Dorian, please come to Room 514."). Okay, we'll ask around.
John nods in thanks, the other two Goons leave the room. They wait until the door closes to talk, hoping the walls will muffle the conversation.
PAST-ANDY: (through the door) Do we tell him?
PAST-JARED: (through the door) The Doctor's said not to stress him.
PAST-ANDY: (through the door) Yeah, but--
PAST-JARED: (through the door) Did you even see the list of injuries? They pronounced him dead like five times. He needs to get better first, then we'll tell him.
PAST-ANDY: (through the door) I just think he has a right to know.
PAST-JARED: (through the door) And we'll tell him, but not right now. Did you see his eyes?
PAST-ANDY: (through the door) Something's changed. That whole room felt wrong.
PAST-JARED: (through the door, walking off) We'll come back in a hour, tell him she's stable.
John sighs and closes his eyes. When he opens them again, he's not alone. There's a tall man with flaming red hair in a flawless pinstripe suit. He's wearing gold-framed glasses that seem to catch the light at just the right angle to glare and hide his eyes.
PAST-JOHN: It seems I'm a popular guy today.
MAN IN SUIT: (charming voice) I would hope so, Mister Genoni.
PAST-JOHN: Keeping in mind I'm under a lot of pain killers, what do you want?
MAN IN SUIT: Merely to speak with you for now.
PAST-JOHN: (gestures at numerous casts and straps holding him in bed) You have a captive audience. Who are you?
MAN IN SUIT: I am something of a miracle worker, Mister Genoni.
PAST-JOHN: Then the Make-A-Wish Foundation has gotten really creepy. Besides, I'm not dying.
MAN IN SUIT: No, you're not. And that is what I wanted to speak to you about.
PAST-JOHN: Then the Army Recruiters have gotten really creepy.
MAN IN SUIT: I'm not from the Army either.
PAST-JOHN: You're not a lot of things; I think we'll continue this when you can tell me what exactly you are.
MAN IN SUIT: I am the man offering to save the life of your beloved fiancée. More specifically, I am offering you the power to save her life.
PAST-JOHN: (brief look of panic, thinking) She's in danger?! (calmly, out loud) And in return?
MAN IN SUIT: In return, you will owe me. But don't worry about collection. I am not cruel or unfair, especially in comparison to the powers that have created this situation you and she are in. I am patient, Mister Genoni, and would not think of prematurely separating you from your love. But understand that you are special, Mister Genoni, and I will collect you decades from now after she is gone. That is, of course, provided you accept my offer and save her.
PAST-JOHN: So you're the devil then, is that it? And for my soul, you'll help me save Carmen?
MAN IN SUIT: Purely propaganda, Mister Genoni, I'm offering you your wife back. They are trying to take her from you, and know that she does not exactly fit their ideal in that gated community.
PAST-JOHN: Wouldn't she be in your backyard then?
MAN IN SUIT: Please, if I was in charge of a domain that huge, do you think I would have time to chat like this? The same organization runs both locations.
PAST-JOHN: Theology aside... (long pause) I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes to save Carmen and see that she's happy.
MAN IN SUIT: Wonderful, (offering his hand) shake on it?
John reaches for the man's hand.
RITSUKO: (OS) I thought you were telling the truth.
JOHN: (VO) This is what I remember happening. Whether I really was visited by the Devil that day, or if it was just a drug-induced dream, I don't know. But that's when my eyes changed.
John opens his eyes again. This time, they are black. Solid, light-less, uninterrupted black. His body is healed and whole, his bandages mysteriously missing, John slides out of bed and boggles at the mirror for five minutes. He absently puts on a pair of golden-framed glasses that immediately hide his new eyes behind lens glare.
JOHN: (VO) As soon as the shock at my new condition faded, I set out to find Carmen.

INT. FLASHBACK - HOSPITAL HALLWAYS - MOVING SHOT - DAY
A whole and healthy John in glasses isn't immediately recognized by the hospital staff, allowing him to weave through the hustle of the emergency ward without incident. His senses finally lock onto a faint sensation and he makes a bee-line, dodging past a doctor, briefly touching a glass window with his hand. The Goon moves on, not noticing frost forming around where he touched. He finds the room and enters.
Fade to black.
JOHN: (VO) The power to take is easy; the power to give is harder. The spinal injury I had suffered from the accident damaged a major ki line. The more I tried to use my power to heal her, the weaker she got. The weaker she got, the more desperate I became. The more desperate I became, the more power I tried to use.
JOHN: (VO) The autopsy report officially stated that she had died from heart failure due to advanced circulatory system damage sustained in the accident. Really, it means they don't know why she died and want to cover their asses. She was getting better, for a while... but her heart just didn't have the energy to keep pumping. Her parents didn't buy the explanation that their daughter had simply quit living, but they were prepared to believe that she was dead the instant that truck had hit, and was just hanging on until...

INT.  FLASHBACK - CARMEN'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Shot of Carmen's parents arguing with a besieged doctor. Carmen's father is a short angry Sicilian that clearly bestowed his diplomatic temperament to her. Her mother was, thankfully, the source of her looks and was absolutely gorgeous and equally terrifying in her anger and grief. The doctor's pager goes off and he excuses himself from the stereo fury. The two turn to stare at the only other person in the room. Even with the lens glare, it's obvious John is staring blankly at a spot on the wall in shock at the bombshell in the doctor's report.
JOHN: (VO) Oh, yeah. She was two-weeks pregnant.
Carmen's father steps slowly over to sit next to John. He puts a hand on John's shoulder but flinches and pulls it away. Unsure what to make of it, he rubs his face to stall to find words.
CARMEN’S FATHER: We just want you to know. We don't blame you for this. It's obvious you loved our daughter very much, and we would have been honored to have you be part of our family. It wasn't your fault.
Carmen's father stops because his voice begins cracking. He has no idea how damaging his words of comfort really are.
JOHN: (VO) After that, it was over for me.
John attempts to step back, but collapses in the middle of the hallway.

INT.  FLASHBACK - ANOTHER HOSPITAL ROOM - MONTAGE:
When he comes to, he tries to strangle himself with the I.V. cords. When he's strapped down, his vital signs become erratic. When he's put on life support, it sounds an alarm with increasing frequency.
JOHN: (VO) I gave up. Carmen was everything I wanted, everything I needed. She was my reason for being. Without her, my life had no value.
John is laying in bed, a pale shell of a man.
JOHN: (VO) Others disagreed.
Andy kicks the door open, followed by Jared, both looking grimly determined; both in absolutely useless doctor "disguises," with black BDUs on underneath the hospital white. Jared barricades the door behind them while Andy drops a box of movies and comic books on the floor and aims a small pen-sized object at John's vacant eyes, thumbs the dial to "Two years" and presses the button.
FLASH!

INT.  LEVEL THREE CAFETERIA, NERV - PRESENT TIME
The place is still mostly empty. John is just as pale as the last shot of him in the hospital.
JOHN: (voice hollow) ...And that's it.
RITSUKO: That's it?! No one seemed bothered by your eyes turning black or your skin freezing anything it touches? A hospital just let you and your friends wander through it?
JOHN: Of course there were questions, there were tests, they had free reign of my body while I was a vegetable.
RITSUKO: And the man in the suit?
JOHN: I guess at that time, I tried to, I dunno, blame something, so I guess had to imagine an external cause to my condition. A demon of some kind that granted me power in exchange for my soul, but when it backfired and I killed... Then I got his soul instead... God, it's all so stupid. I killed her. I was going to marry her, I was going to become a father, I was going to get dragged to Parent-Teacher meetings... But not anymore, because I destroyed her future, our future...
RITSUKO: John?
JOHN: I... I... i... (whisper) i'm sorry.
RITSUKO: John? (leans closer)
Too quickly, John's hand darts into Ritsuko's coat and grips the handle of her lightsaber. Ritsuko closes around the arm; trying, with all the mass, leverage, and Force she can muster, to try and hold John still. It's a losing battle.
RITSUKO: JOHN!
But John is lost. His world now solely consists of his misery, his sorrow and the blade of a Jedi that can end it all.
Simultaneously Andy begins his descent from the ceiling and Jared finishes teleporting in. Ritsuko remains attached to John's arm. Jared takes his first step towards the youngest goon, ki flaring to propel him at the highest speed possible. Andy manages to twist around and unsatisfied with gravity's acceleration added his own energy.
Somewhere in the back part of John's mind, the notion of a threat to his course of action is processed. In his preferred tactic, he pulses his aura and the Force in a double shockwave that peels Ritsuko off his arm and tosses the other Goons away.
Andy falls heavily, but claws back to his feet. Jared trips backward over a table, but hand-springs and charges again. Ritsuko lands hard but gets a good look at her lightsaber as John thumbs it active and with a gesture dismantles the device.
Andy collides with John as he drops the pieces of Ritsuko's lightsaber. The youngest Goon rolls with the collision and uses it to fling the larger man off him. From a rear pocket, John draws the Ninja Master's Kunai dagger. With both hands, John aims for his heart and plunges the dagger right through the flesh and bone of Jared's intercepting hand.
Ignoring the metal blade sticking through his right hand, Jared clocks John with an empty plate. Andy gets on his feet again and rushes to secure the Goon stumbling back. Jared starts looking around the floor, kicking away anything that looks remotely dangerous. Andy, meanwhile tackles John again, and secures him in a headlock.
JARED: (pointing at Andy with his bloody hand) YOU were supposed to be watching him!
ANDY: (points at the kunai) There's a knife in your hand!
JARED: (points at the kunai) There's a knife in my hand!
ANDY: There is a knife sticking right through your hand!
John raises one arm as he slowly rotates his body counter-clockwise.
JARED: Let go!
Andy does so, just in time, as John throws him self into a clockwise spin. John lands on his back as Andy aims a pen-like object at his face.
ANDY: (covering his eyes with an arm) EYES!
Jared turns from John to check Ritsuko, but the Doctor is already ducking into her lab coat.
Flash!
JARED: How long?
ANDY: (checks the setting) Just an hour or so.
JARED: You fucking idiot! Grabbing his neck?!
Andy screams something back in Chinese. Jared retorts in kind. Then the two really get into it, gesturing wildly and shouting at the tops of their lungs. John, dazed look on his face, crawls unsteadily to his feet. Andy suddenly turns and clubs him with a cafeteria bench.
JARED: Just get him back we'll have to start now. (points randomly with his right hand, notices the kunai sticking out again) WHERE THE HELL DID JOHN GET THIS?!
Ritsuko approaches, yanks out the dagger, and inspects it. Jared grabs his wrist and starts jumping around, screaming. Andy scoops up John and teleports away.
RITSUKO: (almost musing) Ninja Master.
A shadow makes itself visible behind the Doctor.
NINJA MASTER: (manly, yet subservient tone) Master Akagi.
RITSUKO: (still inspecting the dagger) Well?
NINJA MASTER: He... dishonored me. During the Tenth Angel attack.
RITSUKO: I suggest you get over it.
NINJA MASTER: He and Waddell know my true identity! I rule over a thousand clans and those two assholes know what I look like!
RITSUKO: You should have been more careful.
NINJA MASTER: (growling) Master...
RITSUKO: I've no tolerance for servants who disobey me. See that the others know as well. John is off-limits.
NINJA MASTER: So it's "John" now?
RITSUKO: Go.
The Ninja Master quickly vanishes. Jared is still running in circles, bleeding everywhere.
RITSUKO: Quit running, you child, you're making a mess.
JARED: (slips on his own blood, lands flat on his back) (@.@) Owie...
RITSUKO: (crouches down pressing the blood-stained kunai to Jared's throat) Why aren't you fixing John?
JARED: Just making sure you're okay.
RITSUKO: (withdraws the dagger, looks at the table she and John had been sharing) I wasn't even there, when he changed, I didn't exist.
JARED: No one did. Just shapes and colors and forces trying to stop him. (sits up) We're going to fix him, Ritsuko. He'll be right as rain and you can go back to not liking him again, (stands up) I promise.
RITSUKO: Just go.
He does so immediately, mumbling to himself about behavioral stimuli and missing video tapes. Ritsuko sighs and shakes her head sadly, then gets some hot cocoa. Maybe it'll make her feel better.
RITSUKO: (almost wistfully, to herself) With friends like these...

INT.  LEVEL THREE CAFETERIA, NERV - MINUTES LATER
Misato enters cautiously. Half the place is wrecked from the struggle with John; Ritsuko is at a table with a number of parts in front of her and a mug of cocoa nearby.
MISATO: (approaching) Hey there.
RITSUKO: (head low) That idiot. I haven't had to rebuild one of these things in years.
MISATO: Shinji just called me. Jared and Andy kicked them out of the apartment, so they must be ready to fix John.
RITSUKO: I wasn't there.
MISATO: What do you mean?
RITSUKO: When he changed, I didn't even exist. This... Carmen was his life. How do I... Should I even bother trying to be a part of what's left of him?
MISATO: That wasn't John, Ritsuko. It was a shadow of a man trapped in the past. Clinging to the loss of one good thing in his life, instead of cherishing all of the other things he has left.
RITSUKO: But that is just what John is. He's not the cocky, little smart-ass we know. That miserable husk is all that is truly left of him. They tried to tell me that. But I didn't listen, I didn't... think a person could become so empty.
MISATO: So... fill him up.
RITSUKO: What?
MISATO: Ask yourself this, does what happened today have any impact on who he'll be tomorrow? So far the Goons' cover-story is that John was out with a head injury for three days. Jared says John won't even remember anything to do with the giant fish, spinning the Moon, or... (gestures at the wrecked tables) He's going to be the same person we knew. And he's going to be just as in love with you as he was before this whole mess happened.
RITSUKO: So I just need to forget that he tried to kill himself right in front of me? That he loved someone else so completely he couldn't live without her?
MISATO: I didn't say it was going to be easy. But if you really love him, then yes that's exactly what you do. If he's missing a piece then replace it. Fill that void of his and give him something new to live for. You have to decide whether you want to restore what you had, or let it blow up in your face.
RITSUKO: I know. (sighs) Speaking of things exploding, I've finished repairing this overgrown flashlight. You might want stand back.
MISATO: (remains sitting) I trust you.
RITSUKO: Yeah, but I don't.
Ritsuko holds her lightsaber as far away from her as possible. A small, adorable cat charm dangles from the end of it. Both women squeeze their eyes shut as the doctor thumbs the button. A steady hum and warm red glow fills the empty room.
MISATO: (blinking) Congratulations.
RITSUKO: (shutting off the blade) I'll do it.

INT.  FEVERED DREAMS OF A MADMAN - THAT NIGHT
JOHN: I'm really starting to dislike that guy.
A ceiling tile falls from no where and breaks over his head.
JOHN: Ow! How the hell?!
VOICE: Trouble at home, kid?
JOHN: Nah, the Stage Director is just being a dick. (considers) I know that voice.
John turns in the empty chaos. A short distance away is Carmen, standing in her jeans and leather jacket, hip cocked, tapping her studded belt idly. John rushes to get closer.
JOHN: CARMEN! I--... Am I dead too? What level of Hell did we end up in? Are you one of those demons that turns into loved ones to torment the damned?
CARMEN: You're not dead, kid, and you still talk too much.
JOHN: God, I want to hold you again.
CARMEN: I hate to break it to you, but after you lose your body, you don't get to hold much of anything anymore.
JOHN: And my psyche decides to kick me while I'm down once again. Ok, allow me a moment to get comfortable before you share your insight?
CARMEN: Knock yourself out.
The chaos around them freezes, then falls away like a poorly made set background. An ice cream shop slides into place allowing John and Carmen to sit at a table. At the counter, Batman, Obi Wan Kenobi, and Indiana Jones are filling orders. Link restocks the freezer. At a far table, Optimus Prime, Captain Hook, and Joe Musashi seem to be arguing about something, though the latter two seem to fade in and out of looking like Monkey D. Luffe and Naruto Uzimake. Han sits with Jackie Chan, Goku Son and Ryu Hoshi discussing extraordinary skills. Elvis Presley plays a saxophone in the corner next to a military officer with Commander epaulets explaining something to the biggest, toughest Marine you have ever seen. At the same table a hot shot pilot of some kind is making eyes at Anthi Himemiya while she arranges a display. Utena Tenjo steps deliberately between them, while Neo works the register. And hundreds of ghosts of characters, some more solid than others, float in to place a reservation with the maitre'd, James Bond.
CARMEN: Crowded place.
John shrugs.
Link comes by and sets a dish of Mint Chocolate Chip down between the two.
CARMEN: So, this Akagi lady. Do you love her?
JOHN: Uh...
CARMEN: Because, personally, I like her. She's got class and style.
JOHN: Well...
CARMEN: Kid... John, listen to me. You have to move on. You may think that there's nothing left in the world after me, and I'm flattered, really, but that doesn't mean that you don't mean anything to others.
JOHN: I...
CARMEN: What would Rei do if she didn't have you to look up to? Who would keep those friends of yours in line?
JOHN: It hurts to be without you. So much pain, I just want it to end. (shadows around John darken)
CARMEN: John, this emo crap is getting old. Did Batman try to stab himself with a lightsaber when his parents died? No! He resolved to make the world a better place so others wouldn't suffer the same tragedy.
JOHN: Batman did not suck the soul out of his mother!
The store goes silent.
CARMEN: It was an accident, John. You didn't know what the wreck had done to you. There was no way of knowing.
JOHN: But our--
CARMEN: And consider this, I am here. I am a part of you. Then, now, and forever.
JOHN: I killed you!
CARMEN: You absorbed my energy and my soul.
John pales to a ghostly white while the shadows around him turn ink black.
CARMEN: That didn't come out right. Look at it this way, One, thank you. I was probably destined for Hell anyway. Two, we were soul mates, now we're soul bound. Three, I am with you. Here.
Carmen reaches out and grabs John's hand. She winces at the cold, but doesn't let go.
JOHN: (some more color) You weren't here before.
CARMEN: Maybe you just didn't notice me. Maybe I didn't think you needed to know I was here until I saw just how bad you can really get.
JOHN: I've gotten that far before.
CARMEN: Not in front of them you haven't.
JOHN: Do you mean these sorry visions or the morons?
CARMEN: You know they mean well.
John is back to a normal color, but his shadows are still very dark. The Goon sighs.
GHOST OF MARIO MARIO: (At the counter) Could-a I get a spoon too?
NEO: (glances at the empty cup next to the register, clearly labeled "SPOONS", sighs) You're going to make me say it, aren't you?
Other ghosts in line start snickering. Link rolls his eyes and ducks into the back room. John watches the half-eaten dish in front of him for a moment then stands and goes over to the counter. Ghosts and aspects alike make way for him.
JOHN: (smirks after looking into the freezer at the selection) You were here all along, weren't you?
CARMEN: Hmm?
JOHN: Ever since the hospital, no matter what store I went into, no matter how limited supply the flavor, even if they offered caramel ice cream with caramel swirls and little candies with caramel in it; only one flavor would ever suffice.
CARMEN: Mint Chocolate Chip.
The camera swivels and we can now see the contents of the freezer. Forty tubs of Mint Chocolate Chip.
John beckons an attendant over.
JOHN: Where are the other flavors?
INDIANA JONES: Well--
JOHN: I love caramel. Get me something with caramel. I don't care where she's hiding it.
Outside, a Mayan temple emerges from parting mists. Jones sighs and sets his apron down. Link pats him on the shoulder and follows him outside.
JOHN: (Sitting back down with Carmen) I'd forgotten what a manipulative bitch you could be. But what I don't get is that why your perfume freaks me out and not this stuff.
CARMEN: I was the only one in your life to wear that scent. You've plenty of other memories to go with ice cream.
JOHN: So, aside from influencing my decisions, driving me suicidal with your demise, and forcing me to eat one kind of ice cream for the rest of my life, what have you been up to here?
CARMEN: (brushes the question aside) John, I want you to do something for me.
JOHN: You know I'd do anything for you.
CARMEN: Please live, for both of us. I'm in here too and I won't take kindly to another suicide attempt.
JOHN: I'll try.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: (clears his throat)
JOHN: I mean, I'll do it.
Aspects and ghosts inside the shop nod at John to show their support.
CARMEN: Good.
JOHN: (weak smile) I wish I could just stay in here with you.
CARMEN: I know. But your friends are busy patching up the rest of your head; it's crowded enough in here with the aspects.
A very faint ghost fades out completely. Another seems to gain some more tangibility.
JOHN: So this is my life now. Waiting for the next perfume vendor to drive me schizophrenic.
CARMEN: At least you know you haven't lost me now. And I'm not going to lose you.
Outside, the temple and chaos vanish leaving Link and Jones to trudge back to the ice cream parlor in the snow. More ghosts fade or solidify more, a few vanish completely and others fade into existence.
JOHN: I guess they're just about done out there.
CARMEN: Just about.
JOHN: Are you going to be here?
CARMEN: John, you promised me you'd live. That doesn't just mean you keep breathing. Live a real life. Fall in love again. Be there for Rei and the boys. You're not alone out there or in here.
JOHN: Okay, Carmen, for you.
CARMEN: (wags her finger) For us, John, for us. Now wake up.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT
JOHN: (sitting up suddenly from the sofa) --A pedophiliac, wild punk hiding from reality under someone else's bed sheets!
JARED: (jerks his head up from sleeping on the kitchen table) Your mother! (falls back asleep)
JOHN: (looks around, blinking) Huh? (yawns, crashes back into the couch, begins snoring)
CARMEN: (Voice Over) You're not alone.

*   *   *
TITLE FLASH
NEON GENISIS: GOONVANGELION
EPISODE 10

Crisis of Infinite Identity / Who are You?
*   *   *

INT.  MISATO'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Asuka is in the kitchen, whipping up her "World Famous Omelet", absently humming along to "Asuka's Theme." Shinji and Misato are sitting with Rei, invited for breakfast, at the table.
MISATO: (on her second beer) It felt like there was an earthquake earlier.
The glasses rattle.
MISATO: (frowns) Mmmm. Aftershocks.
REI: i don't think that--
MISATO: Earthquake.
REI: did something just roar?
MISATO: (sing song) Earthqua~ake.
SHINJI: It's been over a week; obviously Waddell-sensei and Mucha-sensei are back at their nonsense. But is John still a danger to himself and all who walk upon God's Green Earth?
Rei makes a small scoffing sound, then busies herself with a book. The cover features huge blocks of text above and below the graphic to identify author and title. The graphic itself is a five-pointed star set in a circle, like an old Sherriff's badge. Instead of SHERRIF, this badge reads DURANKOV. The circle has a word at the point of each star: PROTECTION, PEACE, ASSASSINATION, BEER, and WOMEN. On the back, is a black & white picture of Jared in a cheesy pose.
MISATO: (thinking) And here I thought he was joking when he said he was a writer. (out loud) John is doing fine.
ASUKA: (from the kitchen) You mean he's done freaking out about the Moon? When is he going to fix it?
MISATO: He still maintains that he's no where near powerful enough to even attempt it. Last I heard the latest plan involved grazing it with the Rail Gun, but that idea was (ahem) shot down.
ASUKA: (bringing in four plates) I made some creative substitutions for your dish, Rei, since you're a vegetarian, but it should be to your liking.
REI: arigato.
MISATO: (after a bite) Wow, Asuka, you've outdone yourself this time.
ASUKA: Thank you. So, Doctor Akagi got the Rail Gun working again?
MISATO: The first one was more of a proof-of-concept design. And though it is a highly specialized weapon, Unit-06 is still on the roster.
ASUKA: So even though there's a rumor that it went berserk on its own last week, you're still using it?
MISATO: I've been informed it's under control.
ASUKA: But is its pilot?

INT.  RITSUKO'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
JOHN: (wakes up screaming) Aaaaaah! I left Andy and Jared alone for five minutes!!! (pants)
RITSUKO: (reading in bed) Excuse me?
JOHN: (still panting) I left a cardboard cut-out with them, but then went out for ice-cream and it turned out the damn thing was following me!
RITSUKO: You have really bizarre dreams.
The phone rings. While Ritsuko answers it and goes pale, John rises and glides into the bathroom. After washing his face, he frowns in the mirror at the lack of light in the room and opens the blinds on the room's only window. Opening the frosted glass panel, he is greeted by a giant brown eye, which blinks once, then pulls away from the window.
RITSUKO: Uh... Genoni? Do you see anything unusual?
JOHN: (somewhat stunned) Unusual for me or unusual for you?
RITSUKO: It seems we have a big problem.
JOHN: (still somewhat stunned) Does this big problem have anything to do with the giant blue ox running around downtown?
RITSUKO: The Command Center just called. Whatever that thing is, it's not an Angel. (clothes ruffle as the doctor gets into something 'decent') Fuyutsuki wants to send out Evas... once he's done praying for the madness to end.
JOHN: Where are Jared and Andy?!
RITSUKO: Is this going to happen every time you sleep here?
John's eyes go wide in terror before he dashes from the bathroom. Through the open window, we can see what is indeed a giant blue ox thrashing downtown Tokyo-3. If there's anything else unusual going on, it's obscured by the rubble and screaming pedestrians.

EXT.  RUBBLE OF DESTROYED CITY BLOCKS - MOMENTS LATER
John Instant-Transmissions to Jared and Andy, who are sitting before some slowly burning rubble, roasting marshmallows. The pair look rather laid back, as if nothing has gone wrong, their features illuminated by the glowing disaster area that once was a proud city called Tokyo-3.
JOHN: WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU--
John pauses, the veins on his forehead bulging to unprecedented sizes, before quadrupling the volume of his tirade.
JOHN: --MARSHMALLOWS?!!
JARED: (laid-back, surfer dude) Yo. Want one?
Several years are knocked off of John's life expectancy, and Jared is pulled roughly off the ground and held aloft with John's hands wrapped firmly about his collar.
JARED: < 0_0 > Whoa! Time to switch to decaff!
ANDY: (from the side) Hey! Hey! Watch the dust, pal. Cooking these things is an art form!
After swallowing two hand-crafted, bamboo marshmallow cooking sticks sideways, Andy quiets down and lets Jared begin the "explanation."
JOHN: All right, start explaining before I skip the preliminaries and just start hurting you.
JARED: Well... do you want the short version or the long version?
JOHN: Indulge me.
Hold on to your socks, people.
ANDY: (belches) It all started when Jared insisted that the horseradish on his sushi was too weak.
JOHN: (long pause) Do you even know what I'm talking about?
Jared silently points at the giant blue ox.
JOHN: (very long pause; he does not look like he wants to hear this one) It's (checks his watch) Nine A.M. what are you doing eating spicy sushi?!
JARED: Anytime is a good time for Sushi!
ANDY: (off-hand) I'll have you know that the ox was very good for chasing off those mutant crocodiles.
JARED: (shoving Andy aside) But that has nothing to do with how this started. You see, there was a nearby store which the materials necessary to mod the horserad--
JOHN: "Mod?" There are laws--
JARED: (dismissive gesture) That do not pertain to foodstuffs--
JOHN: Yet.
JARED: Who's telling this story?
JOHN: (to himself) Story indeed. (to Jared) Go on.
JARED: Any way, we got the materials without incident. A small miracle, that. Then, we returned to the restaurant, modded the sauce--
ANDY: The tablecloth caught on fire, severely burning a waiter. Then the news crews showed up. We helped clear the area, then went for ice cream.
JARED: In the meantime, the super-horseradish, uh... birthed a new life form.
ANDY: That took root in the restaurant and began rapidly growing.
JOHN: Into a giant blue ox?
JARED: < -_- > Don't be absurd. That comes later. We returned--
ANDY: < -_- > Because we were lost.
JARED: Can it, Mucha. We returned to find the restaurant a twisted mass of flora, steel beams, and concrete. We hacked apart the vegetation and quickly uncovered the world's most potent horseradish.
JOHN: And you knew this how?
ANDY: He had to taste it.
JARED: < ^_^ > (thumbs up) It was excellent! Any way, we paid our bill and went to the park.
ANDY: There were ninja fighting there.
JOHN: Ninja? Why were there ninja?!
JARED: Dude, they are ninja, they don't need a reason. But during the fighting, my pocket tore and the horseradish landed in a grove of trees.
ANDY: By the time the fighting was over, the trees had mutated and begun to grow at an alarming rate.
JOHN: Alarming?

EXT.  FLASHBACK - ROOF OF 150-STORY SKYSCRAPER - MORNING
Jared and Andy stand on the roof, looking at an enormous tree that is easily three times as tall as their skyscraper.
ANDY: Do you think he might just not notice? I mean, the rest of the skyline is perfectly normal.
JARED: Knowing that tyrannical Genoni, even the smallest sleight is reason enough for a severe beating. Feh! Leaving the toilet seat up, making prank phone calls to Gendo, wrecking two city trains and killing dozens... I swear, nothing I do will please the man!
ANDY: Paint it pink and call it a giant flower?
JARED: That's like a plan from a bad 80's movie! What about dumping liquid nitrogen on it and shattering it?
ANDY: We'd need a giant hammer.
JARED: Termites?
ANDY: You're not Modding anything else, Waddell!
JARED: Well excuse me!
ANDY: We could sell it off as firewood.
JARED: This is Tokyo-3! These people don't even know what a wood stove is! And it's always summer, you blockhead!
ANDY: Who could we blame for it?
JARED: The Vegetable Liberation Front?
ANDY: You broke them up last week. How about a Getter Beam?
JARED: We'd lay waste to half of Japan... and we need a Getter Robo for that! What about using a destructo disc?
ANDY: I'm not wasting my power on that! We would need hundreds of them anyway. How about turning it into a giant umbrella?
JARED: Hmm... that could work. How good are you at carving wood?
ANDY: I like having ten fingers, thankyouverymuch.
JARED: That bad, huh? ("thinking") Giant cloak?
ANDY: Don't have one, don't know how to build one. We could use the MAGI to trick everyone...
JARED: Then either we or the MAGI would have to have weird psychic powers, like in The Shadow. Which would be cool, but cause too many problems.
ANDY: SEP Field?
"Someone Else's Problem" Thanks Douglas Adams!
JARED: Get real, that thing covers ten buildings. Hell, just call in King Kong and we've got ourselves a zoo...
ANDY: Fool, that will never work. What about... Ooh... I've got a great plan!
JARED: Great as in big explosions or great as in working?
ANDY: This will work, trust me.
JARED: Never. Details?
ANDY: It's just a big tree, right? And wasn't Paul Bunyan real big? We get Paul Bunyan to come over here and use his big ax to chop this sucker down! Problem solved!
JARED: Except for when the tree falls over and levels 1/4th of the city.
The two look at each other, calculating.
ANDY: That's not so bad.
JARED: Acceptable risk. But where are we going to find Mr. Bunyan? He's fictional, you know!
ANDY: So is James!
JARED: I see your point. You ring his cell-phone, I'll create a distraction!
ANDY: Ring his cell phone?
JARED: You know, summon him using a black magic circle from that book you're always carrying around.
ANDY: Oh.
Jared hops off of the skyscraper while Andy chibifies and starts drawing a mystic circle on the roof.

EXT.  RUBBLE OF DESTROYED CITY - PRESENT TIME
JOHN: So... Paul Bunyan chopped down the tree?
JARED: No. Of course not. The aliens destroyed it.
JOHN: (to Andy) Then what did you end up summoning? Just the ox?
ANDY: Oh no, both Paul Bunyan and Babe the ox came through just fine. But then--
JOHN: (grabbing Jared by the collar) WHAT ALIENS?!
JARED: The ones that brought Elvis back and wiped out our cable connection.
JOHN: Hold on! Go back!
JARED: Back to where?!
JOHN: Andy was making kiddy crayon drawings on a building, and you were about to go splat.
JARED: Hmm... yes, well, I attacked the tree head on. Nothing would work. After the first two attacks, I was horribly drained...

EXT.  FLASHBACK - NEAR THE MASSIVE TREE, STREET LEVEL - MORNING
With a giant tree in the background, Jared is chasing around a half-dozen schoolgirls.

EXT.  RUBBLE OF DESTROYED CITY - PRESENT TIME
JOHN: STOP! Stooop! What happened to the tree?
JARED: It remained mostly undamaged.
JOHN: Just what did you hit it with?
Jared points at his forehead.
JOHN: At what speed?
JARED: The first time, about four hundred miles per hour.
JOHN: And the second?
JARED: About Mach 2.2.
JOHN: (sighs) Okay, Andy?
ANDY: (beginning to spazz out) The spell went off without a hitch! They had no idea what was waiting for them! It was a fuckin' ambush!
JOHN: Who? What? WHAT DID YOU DO?!
ANDY: They started it!
JOHN: Back up, and speak in English.
ANDY: (very spazzed out, but now with British accent) Those vicious little devils! Not one of them more than five years old! (shiny eyes) THEY TOOK MY CANDY!
JOHN: < o_0;;; > And you did what to them?
ANDY: (power pose) LIGHTNING FROM THE HEAVENS! MY DIVINE WRATH WAS COMPLETE! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
JOHN: That was YESTERDAY! But what about summoning Paul Bunyan?
ANDY: (completely "normal") Oh, that went well.
JOHN: Okay, back to the tree. What aliens got rid of it?
JARED: I don't exactly have their fucking phone numbers and zip-codes, okay? They just landed here to make repairs from the rock that hit it.
JOHN: (desperately trying not to look like he cares about this explanation) ...
JARED: We missed with the catapult, okay?! Jeeze!
JOHN: (to Andy) What catapult?
ANDY: We had to build it to stop Babe!
JOHN: WHAT HAPPENED TO PAUL BUNYAN??!!?!
JARED: Well, first he forgot his ax, so he had to run back home to get it. When he got back, the aliens traded him for Elvis.
JOHN: < o_0; > And where's Elvis now?
JARED: He got stepped on by Babe.
JOHN: So, you threw a rock, missed, and hit an alien space ship that destroyed the tree and took out our cable service. What were you trying to hit? The ox?!
JARED: Of course! With Paul gone, that thing was going nuts, and we still hadn't gotten rid of the tree!
ANDY: So we quickly constructed a catapult and tried to use it to knock out the ox so that Bunyan could take care of the tree without having to kill a rampaging ox as well.
JOHN: Should I ask why the ox was trying to smash up Tokyo-3?
JARED: Uh...
ANDY: Jared yelled--

EXT.  FLASHBACK - A FEW BLOCKS AWAY FROM THE GIANT TREE - MORNING
JARED: (screaming at the top of his lungs) MOSH PIT!!!!!!
The ox seems to pick up on the cue and begins thrashing most of downtown.
JARED: (indignant) NOT YOU!!!
ANDY: Who were you yelling a--Uncle Hiroshi's LICKS! YOU BLUE BASTARD!!!
JARED: ... That 'blue bastard' is coming this way.
ANDY: Good thing I built this handy catapult!
JARED: (Badly Dubbed English) With this we can stop the beast!
ANDY: (Badly Dubbed English) Load rock!
JARED: (Badly Dubbed English; loading a rock the size of a house on Andy's giant catapult) Aim, fire!
Andy pulls the lever, mouthing the words 'thank you History Channel.' The rock sails into the air at a nearly vertical angle, quickly disappearing from sight.
JARED: You missed!
ANDY: (snarling) Shut it!

EXT.  RUBBLE OF DESTROYED CITY - PRESENT TIME
JOHN: What in the nine levels of hell possessed you to yell "mosh pit" at a time like that?!
ANDY: Think about this, John. Big city-fortress covering a massive military base. Armor plating is under every square inch of ground. Now, there are no subways here, but that still leaves damn little room for water mains, electrical lines, and the like. Follow so far?
JOHN: Suspiciously, yes.
JARED: Are you possessed again?
ANDY: (ignores Jared) Thus, when the trees began to grow erratically and their root systems blossomed grossly, all of these utilities were torn asunder. Of course, an unfortunate troop of female high school students were still in the park at the time, and thanks to Jared, now only partially clothed, so--
JOHN: Jared was hoping to start a nude mud wresting match.
JARED: < ^_^ > Exactly! I mean, it sounds so dirty when you say it like that.
JOHN: So the rock you two fired...

EXT.  FLASHBACK - MIDDLE OF TOKYO-3 - MORNING
In a scene similar to both Men In Black and a parody of the same in Episode 7, a massive saucer-like spaceship crashes into the tree, vaporizing it in a massive, Akira-like explosion. As the shock wave clears, and color returns to the anime, we see Jared and Andy crouched safely several miles away. The former is protecting a troop of female high school students, partially clothed, and partially covered in mud. The later is looking at the slowly rising mushroom cloud, a smirk on his face.
ANDY: (mocking) You missed!
JARED: (casually fondling the stunned girls) You were aiming at that ship?!
ANDY: Feh. It figures. This worthless military couldn't hit something fifty times as large with all of the missiles in the world, but get a master like me behind the controls of even the most primitive weapons and--
JARED: Boom. Whee. I know the drill.
ANDY: (pointing) IT'S STILL ALIVE!

EXT.  RUBBLE OF DESTROYED CITY - PRESENT TIME
JOHN: (head in hands) ...
ANDY: Mr. Bunyan finally came back about right then. Myself, Jared, and several of the schoolgirls snuck in close for a little look-see.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - TOKYO-3 - BURNING BUILDINGS NEAR WRECKED SPACECRAFT - MORNING
JARED: We are not arming a bunch of schoolgirls with automatic weapons!
ANDY: Well, no need to now; the catapult is intact.
JARED: ... And I see you've already loaded another rock onto it.
ANDY: Yes! (power posing) This time, I will not fail!
JARED: Andy! Paul Bunyan is back, Babe is calm as a kitten now! GET YOUR HAND AWAY FROM THAT--
Ka-chunk.
Fwump.
JARED: < 0_0 > Were you aiming for that spot?
An unearthly roar shakes the ground.
ANDY: < 0_0 > He turned around...
JARED: I'm going to be either trampled to death by Babe or murdered by Paul Bunyan. Thanks a lot, Andy; you've just made my day.
ANDY: Shut up and grope some more schoolgirls, you crybaby!
JARED: (pouting) I will! (looks around) Hey! Where'd they all go?

EXT.  RUBBLE OF DESTROYED CITY - PRESENT TIME
JOHN: And this is when the aliens traded Paul Bunyan for Elvis?
JARED: Dude, trust me, if you were there, you wouldn't have wanted to stay around either. Paul bolted the first chance he got.
JOHN: And Elvis...
ANDY: Babe probably didn't even see the sequined jacket...
JOHN: Okay, that explains almost everything that happened here. Need I ask how you survived?
ANDY: It was our finest hour...

EXT.  FLASHBACK - OMAHA BEACH - JUNE 6, 1944 - EARLY MORNING
We see Jared and Andy, in WWII-era Army fatigues, standing in a landing craft with a dozen other weary, seasick soldiers. The--

EXT.  RUBBLE OF DESTROYED CITY - PRESENT TIME
JOHN: No! NO! We aren't doing this now! Focus Andy, focus!
JARED: He had no idea what was waiting for him... Twelve men with guns drawn...

EXT.  FLASHBACK - TOKYO-3 - NEAR CRASHED SPACECRAFT - MORNING
A man, sheathed in weapons, stands before the rampaging ox. Nearby, Jared has assumed a bizarre pose he's used before.
JARED: (chanting) I am a stone... a stone... I will not be seen...

EXT.  RUBBLE OF DESTROYED CITY - PRESENT TIME
JARED: Which brings us to the here and now. Well, except for the marshmallows.
ANDY: Yeah, Jared ran down to the local convenience store to get them.
JOHN: ... And you left a giant blue ox from American myth rampaging through downtown Tokyo-3 to roast marshmallows, right?
JARED: We were out of ideas!
JOHN: Thank GOD for SMALL MIRACLES! Go roast your fuckin' marshmallows!
John walks away, but stops after a few steps, and addresses the other Goons over his shoulder.
JOHN: Twelve men? Couldn't it have been just one man with twelve guns?
JARED: Don't be ridiculous. Who on earth would be carrying twelve guns through Tokyo-3 and be ready to take on a giant rampaging ox?
JOHN: Who indeed...
John continues his slow, dramatic walk into the flames of downtown.
ANDY: Twelve men?
JARED: It was the best I could come up with! You wanna try to explain the weird shit to him?
ANDY: At least he forgot about the alligators.

INT.  NERV - COMMAND CENTER - MOMENTS LATER
John Instant-Transmissions back to HQ, startling a freshly arrived Misato.
MISATO: Quit doing that! And what's going on up there?!
JOHN: (this-explains-everything) I left Andy and Jared alone for five minutes.
MISATO: Orders? (blinks and winces, she didn't mean to say that)
JOHN: Orders? Why would I be giving orders? There's a giant blue ox stomping on my town. Send some Evas up to corral it in a valley and then have Andy send it back. If the bull won't co-operate, then put a sonic glaive into its skull. Why do I have to come up with everything?
SHIGERU: Do you really want an answer to that, sir?
John gives Aoba a bizarre look, which is impressive since no one has ever seen John's eyes.
MISATO: And if we are forced to slay the bull?
JOHN: Then every restaurant in Japan just got a significant donation of beef from NERV.
FUYUTSUKI: Why is your solution to every giant monster we come across to feed it to Japanese civilians?
John doesn't bother to answer the Vice-Commander's rhetorical question and instead leaves the Command Center.

EXT.  TOKYO-3 - MONTAGE:
Fortunately, the operation didn't end in bloodshed and barbecue. There was a close call when Asuka's bright red Eva was launched and promptly charged by the giant bull; but all told, things turned out okay. Paul Bunyan was returned by the aliens during the middle of the operation and Babe immediately forgot about tossing the Evas around.
That just left the chewing out.

INT.  NERV - HALLWAY LEADING TO EVANGELION CAGE - LATER THAT DAY
John storms towards the cage housing Unit-03. In a firm grip is a steel pipe about a meter in length. His other hand holds a report on the damages to Tokyo-3 recently totaled, the fresh ink smudges under his thumb.
John approaches the final doors before the Eva cage. Only his footfalls and breathing echo in the hallway. He stops before the door, the panel blinking at him, requesting his ID card.
JOHN: (trying to decide whether to set down the pipe or the papers) Why is this door in Secure Mode?
The door opens allowing Ritsuko to exit. The Doctor looks flushed, sweating slightly as if just finishing an intense exercise. While the door is still open, however, new sounds fill the hallway.
MISATO: WHY! <BANG!> WON'T! <BANG!> YOU! <BANG!> BLEED! <BANG!> LIKE! <BANG!> A! <BANG!> GENTLEMAN!
The doors close.
RITSUKO: (panting) I thought I'd leave them in capable hands. (absently checks her tazer) Lousy batteries.
JOHN: (Glasses welded to Ritsuko's sweaty heaving chest) I might be able to help you with that.
RITSUKO: My head is up here.
JOHN: I was wondering where the noise was coming from. So... I guess--
The doors open, partially, Misato leans out. The Major is complete disheveled, dripping with sweat.
MISATO: I ran out of ammo, may I...?
RITSUKO: (offering her pistol and a spare clip) Sure.
MISATO: (notices John noticing her) Hey!
JOHN: Yes'm?
MISATO: Planning on using that pipe anytime soon?
JOHN: (offers the pipe) Be my guest.
Misato takes the weapons and shuts the door.
JOHN: Dang, missed a perfect porn dialog joke there.
RITSUKO: (trying to regain her cool composure) Yes, well, (clears her throat) Is that the damage report?
JOHN: (offers the papers, staring through the door) I take it that was one too many times they grew a huge tree, summoned a giant lumberjack and angered a bovine of abnormally large size.
RITSUKO: That those idiots refuse to bleed is just pissing her off even more. But yes, if the unfortunate occurs and they regain consciousness again, be sure to remind them that NERV has lost its patience with their brand of bullshit.
JOHN: If this has anything to do with the enormous cow pie in the park...
Ritsuko looks at the papers again and makes the unique face one wears when they just read a report about a huge pile of shit.
JOHN: You're still blocking the door.
RITSUKO: I think Misato is in her "Kill the Americans" mode. Best to just let her run out of steam. Don't you have other places to be?
JOHN: I suppose.

INT.  GOONS' OFFICE - SOME TIME LATER
John stands before his desk. A stack of paperwork rivaling him in height all but consumes the desktop. Ritsuko, behind him, lets out a low whistle.
JOHN: (sighs) I guarantee only a fourth of this belongs there.
RITSUKO: Really?
JOHN: Yeah. (randomly swipes a sheet from the middle of the stack) This, (reads) is a request, by Misato none-the-less, to use the 34th testing ground to train the pilots in the new KG-2015 Pallet Rifle.
RITSUKO: Misato is of the opinion that regardless of what kind of fireworks the Children can shoot out of their ass, they still need weapon training. (pauses) Those would be my words though.
JOHN: Lovely. But this doesn't belong on my desk. This is something for Fuyutsuki or, hell, even Ikari to sign if he ever shows up again.
RITSUKO: That is true. The Commander of NERV should be the one signing a goodly portion of those forms.
JOHN: I'm glad you agree with me.
A worker enters the office with a bundle of paperwork, and tries to discreetly add to the stack.
JOHN: What are you doing?
OFFICE WORKER: Some more paperwork requiring your signature, Sir.
JOHN: My signature. (eyes the stamp on the folder) I'm Intelligence, that's Security paperwork.
OFFICE WORKER: Yes, Sir, Security Chief Yokohana already signed on his line now it just needs your signature on the Commander's line, Sir.
Ritsuko winces.
JOHN: ...
OFFICE WORKER: Anything else, Sir?
JOHN: ... Why is Six afraid of Seven?
OFFICE WORKER: I don't know, Sir.
JOHN: Because Seven Eight Nine.
OFFICE WORKER: (laughs) Good one, Sir.
JOHN: Dismissed. (after the worker leaves) That shouldn't have even made sense in Japanese.
RITSUKO: It's not even that funny in English.
JOHN: I... You knew.
RITSUKO: For a while now.
JOHN: Since...
RITSUKO: A few days after it was apparent that Ikari wasn't returning any time soon.
JOHN: No one told me. I just got so swamped with paperwork I didn't even notice what I was filling out anymore.
RITSUKO: To be fair, most of the sensitive requests were handled by Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki.
JOHN: Why isn't he in charge then?
RITSUKO: The Succession policy of NERV is not like your nation's Constitution. Similar to how NERV expects minor cases of sexual harassment to be handled on a personal level.
JOHN: Twenty-Fifth Amendment, actually. Wow. I am... (deep breath) I am Commander of NERV.
John looks around the Goons' Office.
JOHN: Time to upgrade.

INT.  OFFICE OF THE COMMANDER OF NERV - MOMENTS LATER
Designed with intimidation in mind, the office went to great lengths to make the average visitor seem small and insignificant. Three bay windows varied their tint and opacity depending entirely on the Commander's will. Both ceiling and floor gave the impression of a vast abyss beyond the Tree of Life beneath and stars above. That left just two objects in the office. Two pieces of furniture that were even more imposing than the rest of the office.
Two items that were currently missing.
JOHN: (stomping in) What the F--
And that's when the first cream pie hit.
SPLAT!
Then another.
And another.
Then the feathers.
Then rubber chickens swooped down.
Then the fire hose started whipping around soaking everything in cottage cheese.
Then a chocolate syrup grenade exploded.
Then a small camera swung down and snapped a picture of the mess, then retracted out of the way.
And for the finale, in Goon tradition, a giant spring-loaded log.

INT.  A NERV ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER
The door dings open allowing Ritsuko in. Misato steps to the side. Her red jacket is off, face still flush with exertion, shirt soaked in sweat.
MISATO: Ah, that was cathartic. I think I need a cigarette.
RITSUKO: Ripe.
MISATO: (blows a raspberry) I'm heading home to freshen up.
RITSUKO: He knows.
MISATO: Hmm? Who?
RITSUKO: Ge--John.
MISATO: Hmm, this makes things interesting.
RITSUKO: So are any of them still alive?
MISATO: Probably. Even my anti-vehicle rounds didn't get any significant penetration. It's scary how invulnerable they can be.
RITSUKO: Well, you probably just made them stronger now.
MISATO: (sighs) Yeah... Something needs to be done.
RITSUKO: (almost regretful) Something will.
Misato looks over at her friend, but before she can say anything the doors open. The Muck Monster from the Forbidden Lagoon steps in.
MUCK MONSTER: (nodding) Rit-chan, Mis-chan.
RITSUKO: John. (Frowns) And stop calling me that.
MISATO: John-kun.
There's a sticky sound as John grins.
JOHN: (nodding) Akagi-san, Katsuragi-san.
RITSUKO: Genoni.
MISATO: Genoni-san.
A bubble near John's shoulder pops.
JOHN: (nodding) Doctor, Major.
RITSUKO: (rolls her eyes) Commander.
MISATO: (cold stare) Sir.
JOHN: Doctor, my furniture is missing, I suspect foul play. Have your agents coax the location out of Jared and Andy. Major, I'd like you to oversee the reconstruction of downtown. Have Security and R&D get together and see if they can't come up with something to repel an invading force. (the elevator dings) One moment.
John steps outside the doors and puts two sticky fingers to his coated forehead. The elevator doors close. John reappears just inside, now immaculately clean.
RANDOM TECH #951: (outside) OH DEAR LORD!
JOHN: Doctor, I'd like to know when Unit-08 is supposed to arrive and just what we're supposed to do with a spare Eva. Also, I want Unit-06 up and running by the end of the week, preferably with a working Rail gun, but the Eva has top priority.
RITSUKO: (accessing a holographic clipboard on her Mini-MAGI) Unit-06 is combat ready, but the Rail Gun was suspended due to lack of funding.
JOHN: So unsuspend it, I don't want to fight the Fourteenth holding my ass.
MISATO: What about the rocket launchers? Pallet rifles? Your ki techniques?
JOHN: Nothing NERV has right now could possibly hurt it. Not even if we shoved an N2 mine down its craw.
MISATO: What about Unit-04's Super Vulcan?
JOHN: I haven't seen the specs on that yet, but I doubt it. I think it'll come down to ki techniques, the Rail Gun, or some kind of miracle. And since we're fighting Angels, I'm not counting on that miracle. (Elevator dings again, John steps out) Oh and Major, hit the showers.
John turns and misses Misato giving him the Finger.

EXT.  CROSSROADS; FOCUSED ON JARED'S FACE - ONE HOUR LATER
JARED: (terrible Don LaFontaine impression) In a world where kick ass giant robots take a back seat to adolescent soul-searching, one man finds himself at a crossroads...
We can now see Jared, bound to an iron cross by steel chains, standing at; you guessed it, a crossroads.
JARED: (still doing the movie preview voice) Betrayed by those he sought to protect, driven from his home for a crime he did not commit...
A van pulls up near him.
JARED: (movie preview voice) In the land of the Rising Sun, during an Endless Summer, the Master of Disaster is back in...
A man in an impeccable suit with insomniac eyes exits followed by two large men in shades and a short (even by Japanese standards) attractive woman.
MAN IN SUIT: Oh good. You're ready. Because they are going to CRUCIFY us if we arrive any more late. (notices the large lock on his chest) Do you have the combination?
JARED: No.
MAN IN SUIT: Do you have the key?
JARED: In a manner of speaking...
MAN IN SUIT: (sighs) We're behind schedule. Does Sayako-san need to find it?
The woman grins wickedly.
JARED: Only if I learn to unhinge my jaw in the next thirty minutes.
MAN IN SUIT: We're wasting time here. Throw him on top of the van, we'll figure something out on the way.

INT.  RITSUKO'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
RITSUKO: (on the phone) How did the launch go?
DISGUISED VOICE: Like clockwork. The package should be in position by 2300, your time. This was not without its costs.
RITSUKO: I'm not worried; the project will pay for itself once the world witnesses its power.
DISGUISED VOICE: ...
RITSUKO: Too "Mad Scientist"?
DISGUISED VOICE: Just a little.
MYSTERIOUS! Not really.

INT.  OFFICE OF THE COMMANDER OF NERV - LATER
John stalks around the monolithic desk and chair, recently returned to the office.
JOHN: (caressing the leather) Be gentle. It's my first time.
Well, actually you've done this before, you just... ah, forget it.
Slowly, carefully, John sits down.
JOHN: WITH MY LEFT HAND, I SHALL SCATTER YOU ALL TO DUST! WITH MY RIGHT HAND, I WILL REMAKE THE WORLD IN MY IMAGE! QUAKE BEFORE ME, YOU SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF ADAM! YOU TRAITOROUS SERVANTS OF BEELZEBUB! YOU BOUND MESSENGERS OF YAHWEH! LOOK UPON ME AND SEE YOUR DEMISE! I AM THE ALL-POWERFUL! I AM YOUR NEW GOD!
John leaps from the Chair, tumbles, and collides with the wall. He instantly has his hands up, as if to ward off an attacking beast.
JOHN: (sweating, panting) WHOA! WHOA! (tries to catch his breath) Wow. (takes a few deep breaths) So... (starts chuckling) The Throne of NERV demands a test of will. No wonder Fuyutsuki didn't want the job.
Standing up, he cautiously approaches the Chair again and sits.
JOHN: ALL WHO OPPOSE ME SHALL BE EXECUTED! MY WILL IS LAW! MY JUDGEMENT IS FINAL! THE TREACHERY OF YOUR FATHERS SHALL NOT BE FORGOTTEN! I AM YOUR KING!
John falls out of the Chair once again, but only scampers a short distance away this time.
JOHN: (panting) Well, it looks like I must give Gendo some credit after all. (glares at the desk) Are you going to give me any trouble?
The Desk merely sits there.
John waves his hand over the desk until holographic buttons appear. John selects a button.
VOICE: Sir!
JOHN: Water, and some Dew.
VOICE: Hai, Sir!
Twenty seconds later, a NERV employee arrives with a bottle of water and a bottle of Mountain Dew on a tray. The employee sets the drinks on the Desk, bows, and leaves. John finishes the water quickly. Looking around, he fails to find a waste basket.
JOHN: Hmm...
John sets the empty bottle down and walks around the Desk and chair again. That's when he notices the water bottle is missing.
JOHN: Ninja maids?
Trying to think this through John absently sits down into the Chair.
JOHN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

INT.  NERV - CENTRAL DOGMA - SAME TIME
FUYUTSUKI: How's it going?
RITSUKO: (apparently finishing a conversation with a shadow in the corner) There's progress. He's already made it down to just cackling maniacally.
FUYUTSUKI: That soon? Interesting.
RITSUKO: You could have done it, you know.
FUYUTSUKI: Maybe. (sighs) I'm just a simple professor, Akagi. I'm too old to run a place like this. I just want to research. All this business with Angels and Evas, all the military and Second Impact, it's not for me.
RITSUKO: You want to see where all of your work takes you.
FUYUTSUKI: Not just my work. Ikari's as well.
RITSUKO: Ah, but which one?
FUYUTSUKI: (gazes through the many screens in the command center) Both.

INT.  KYOTO CONVENTION CENTER - LATER
Jared sits at a large table flanked by security and before a long line of patrons hoping to boost the value of their copy. A large "MEET THE AUTHOR" sign hangs above.
The line carries a loud murmur as its elements discuss different chapters, argue over symbolism, and otherwise gush over the characters. Even Ritsuko's new bookworm, Paige Turner is in line and just a handful of pen-strokes away.
Then Andy appears behind Jared. He shrugs off the guards, gets his bearings and discretely gets Jared's attention.
ANDY: HEY JARED!
JARED: (turning, whispering) Get me out of here! My hand is cramping, I'm running out of pens, and I swear I will kill the next person who thinks James and Kat should reconnect. (signs another book)
ANDY: (blinks) Well, that's not a bad idea.
JARED: (whispering) She's engaged to someone else!
ANDY: And?
JARED: (signs another book; still whispering over his shoulder) She marries him! They live happily ever after! It is written in stone!

INT.  GOONS' LABORATORY - CHAMBER OF SECRETS - SAME TIME
A massive slab of granite stands here, upon which someone has carved the plot Sidestep. Before we can sneak a peak at the ending, the camera zooms in on a single line that basically repeats what Jared said.

INT.  KYOTO CONVENTION CENTER - SAME TIME
We're back to the arguing Goons.
ANDY: (in conflict) Nnng... (musing out loud) Jared being tortured, John betraying us. Jared being tortured, John betraying us.
JARED: What?! (absently signs another book)
ANDY: John just became Commander of NERV.
JARED: I get chased out of town for two freaking hours and the world goes mad. (signs another book) Fine. (stands up) My Fans. I am filled with sorrow and regret, but something terribly important has come up. I shall try to return as swiftly as possible, but until then, please, enjoy the rest of the convention. (to Andy) Let's go.
The pair teleport away.
PAIGE: (standing at the table, book still out, lip quivering) My... My book... My book...
Uh oh.

INT.  NERV - JUST OUTSIDE OF THE COMMANDER'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Rei stands before the door wearing a light blue dress. Concern and doubt plague her features... Well, actually you wouldn't know it by looking at her, that's why I'm telling you.
REI: (knocking) oniisan?
JOHN: (through the door) Come in, Rei-chan.
Rei prepares herself to enter Gendo's office.

INT.  OFFICE OF THE COMMANDER OF NERV - MOMENTS LATER
She is unprepared to enter John's office.
An artificial sun bathes deep crystal blue waters in warm light. Genoni's desk floats in the center of this artificial sea. The high back of the Chair is to the entrance.
REI: oniisan?
The Chair slowly rotates to face Rei. At first glance, John seems to be crossing his hands, Gendo-style. Then the hands separate to show the game of Cat's Cradle John has going.
JOHN: Yes, Oneechan?
REI: i half expected a pit of fire.
JOHN: And a throne of skulls, I'm sure. What no one will tell you is that a throne of skulls is terribly uncomfortable. (prompting tone) Could you...
Rei takes the long tangled string from John, blushing when she makes hand contact. Hands finally free, John flexes his fingers.
JOHN: Never understood the goal of that. I guess just to kill time and keep your hands busy. Not that I'm not already busy.
John makes a gesture and the hologram hiding a mountain of paperwork next to his desk dissolves. Another hand gesture and the paperwork disappears again.
REI: (English) you are knowing the office equipment now?
JOHN: (smiles) That was good.
REI: (blushes again, English) sank you.
JOHN: (correcting with a smile) "Thank".
REI: (still blushing) s--s--th--thank you. thank you, oniisan.
JOHN: (smiling) To answer your question, yes, I'm getting the hang of this place. This has to be the second most wired room in NERV, after Central Dogma.
REI: the chair and desk are prototypes. a line of administrative control products for top tier corporations.
JOHN: Where'd you learn that?
REI: (offers a disk) the instruction manual. doctor akagi sent me to deliver this, and extend her... (small cough) contempt to you.
JOHN: Thank you, Rei-chan. Anything else?
REI: you are very busy now, it is not important.
JOHN: (gestures to the empty desk) How am I busy?
Rei sets the disk on top of the invisible stack of paper then grins.
JOHN: ( o.o' ) Yes, (cough) well... I am never too busy for you.
REI: even if a giant octopus attacked you?
A giant octopus takes that moment to rise from the "depths" flail its limbs around and sink back into the floor.
JOHN: ... What's on your mind?
REI: oniisan, i--
Click. Click.
Energy evaporating off forbidden black trench coats, both Jared and Andy stand on either side of John with sub-machine guns pressed to the back of the youngest Goon's head.
JARED & ANDY: And shepherds we shall be, For thee, my lord, for thee.
JARED: Power hath descended forth from thy hand, That our feet may swiftly carry out thy command.
ANDY: So we shall flow a river forth unto thee, And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
JARED & ANDY: In nomine Patri, et Filii, et Spiritu Sancti.
PFFT. PFFT.
JOHN: (standing up) Ow! What the hell is the matter with you?! I--
John crouches and picks something up off the ground.
JOHN: PEZ?!
JARED: Yeah! (grabs the PEZ from John, licks it) Mmm, cherry. (sets it back in John's hand)
JOHN: < -_- > (disposes of the PEZ) What in God's name has gotten into you two?!
ANDY: (to Jared) Religious invocation.
JARED: (to Andy) Self-righteousness.
They nod to each other.
As their fingers grasp the triggers, the background of the office changes to the interior of an old church. The pair can't help but glance at their new surroundings and John takes full advantage of that to slap the weapons' barrels away from him.
And toward each other.
A trigger gets pulled and high-velocity sugar pellets pepper Jared's leg.
ANDY: Sorry!
JARED: Ouch! Those things sting, you asshole!
Jared shoots Andy in the leg in revenge.
ANDY: Hey! Those hurt! I apologized, you jerk!
Andy tries to shoot Jared again but the smaller Goon knocks the barrel aside. Andy backpedals for some range as Jared backs off and tries to vault over the incorporeal pews.
Jared lands hard on the ground and starts groaning. Andy turns and comes face to face with a giant octopus coming out of the floor. The Maniac almost starts to laugh, but the octopus grabs him and drags him back down its hole.
REI: (blinks) ...
JOHN: Rei, if I could contact you later, would that be alright?
REI: (slyly) so you can be too busy for me.
JOHN: It's more that their aim sucks and these PEZ guns do sting like a bitch. Plus I think Andy is going to start ranting when he claws his way out of that hole, and I wouldn't want to subject any impressionable youth to that. I feel terrible to ask this, but if you waited outside, or met me later...
REI: i understand. i will ask you later, oniisan.
JOHN: Thank you, Rei-chan.
Rei leaves just as Jared gets back to his feet. Andy falls out of the ceiling. John steps around the desk. The holographics disengage leaving the office bare, and the full light of the Geofront is allowed in through the windows.
JOHN: (Inspecting where Andy fell out of the ceiling) I'll never understand how you manage to do that.
The pair of Goons aim handguns at John this time, most definitely not the modified paintball equipment they were using earlier.
JOHN: You're pointing guns at me.
JARED: (spits) You son of a bitch.
JOHN: (counters) You son of a hippie. (to Andy) Your mother is a saint.
ANDY: (narrow glare) Thank you.
JOHN: You're still pointing guns at me. Why?
JARED: Gendo Ikari.
JOHN: He's in Mexico. Well, Central America anyways.
JARED: Is he? Then who do we have?
ANDY: Gendo Ikari, Commander of NERV.
JARED: John Genoni, Commander of NERV.
JOHN: Okay.
ANDY: Driven mad when his wife died tragically in an accident.
JARED: Driven suicidal when his fiancée died tragically in an accident.
JOHN: (dangerous tone) What?
ANDY: Brief and false affair with Dr. Akagi to control Project E and the MAGI.
JARED: Currently seeing Dr. Akagi to control Project E and the MAGI.
JOHN: I love her!
ANDY: Wrested control of NERV from SEELE to control Third Impact to resurrect his dead wife.
JARED: Wrested control of NERV from Ikari to control Third Impact to resurrect his dead girlfriend.
JOHN: ... Wow.
JARED: (eyes narrow) ...
JOHN: Just... wow.
ANDY: Well?
JOHN: No, man, it makes sense.
ANDY: ( o.O ) It does?
JOHN: Yeah, I can totally see that happening. The only problem is it won't work. Oh, Gendo's plan could succeed. Yui's spirit is in Unit-01 and Rei could be used for her body since she shares Yui's DNA. Honestly, if I threw a Rei-clone into Unit-01 and turned up the juice we could probably resurrect Yui Ikari.
JARED: Really?
JOHN: Oh yeah, get a nice lightning strike, have to crank up the Synch ratio artificially... It's doable. There'd be some research to do first, surely Gendo has considered this course of action and chose not to for some reason. (sighs) But Carmen is... gone. I don't have her body. I don't have her soul.
JARED: (relaxing) Oh, well then I--
JOHN: No wait, I do have her soul.
JARED: (warning tone) John...
JOHN: Huh, this is interesting. I'd have to somehow copy my soul... well what little is left, and then crop out everything that isn't Carmen...
ANDY: I'm no expert, but I don't think this is something that can be handled by Kinko's.

INT.  TOKYO-3 - A FEDEX KINKO'S STORE - SAME TIME
A knight with a demonic right arm in black armor and a blue apron leans against a large MRI-like machine labeled "SOUL COPIER II."

INT.  JOHN'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
JOHN: (dismissive wave) That's my point. I can't bring Carmen back and even if I could isolate her soul, I don't have a body for her.
ANDY: You couldn't use a Rei-clone?
JOHN: I'm pretty sure there would be complications in attaching souls to the wrong bodies.
JARED: You don't have like a lock of hair in a locket or something?
JOHN: Well--
ANDY: YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER CARMEN!
JOHN: Well, maybe you screwed up then! Ever think about that?! Maybe I've been hiding the fact I've known for years now! Maybe you don't know how to use the fucking neurolizer properly and have just been overwriting my grief, instead of erasing the memory that causes all the pain!
JARED: Dude, calm down.
JOHN: Get that fucking gun out of my face!
ANDY: (lowers his pistol) Okay, okay.
JOHN: Get out of my office!
Andy turns to leave, but Jared holds his ground.
JARED: I want your word. Don't fuck us over.
JOHN: When we first arrived, we needed a plan. We decided to take over NERV. Now that I have, we need a new plan. I like these people. They are our friends. I want to protect them from all the slings and arrows this fucking world is going to throw at them.
ANDY: Well, alright then.
JARED: (nods) Is there a plan?
JOHN: NERV needs major funds; that's my first goal. After that, all we can do is prepare for the inevitable war.

INT.  NERV - OUTSIDE OF JOHN'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Rei leans against the wall, still playing with the string. Andy exits, stretches, checks a tear in his shirt, then crawls into a ceiling ventilation duct. Rei shrugs. Jared leaves the office, stretches, rubs his shoulder where he landed, then catches Rei in the corner of his eye and leaps back assuming a bizarre pose.
REI: (English) good afternoon.
JARED: (nervous look around) Hi.
REI: (offering the string) here.
In Rei's fingers, the string has become a tangled jumble, with ten loose loops around her fingers. Jared matches his fingers and gets the string from Rei.
JARED: (looking at the mess) Uh, thanks?
Rei grins slyly, then mocks praying for a moment. Jared closes his palms around the mess. Rei then grabs Jared's wrists and separates his hands suddenly.
JARED: Hey!
REI: (English) have fun. (re-enters the office)
JARED: ( o_O ) What the hell? (looks at his fingers) Eeek!
Stretched tight, the jumbled mass of string oriented itself into the Tree of Life. Jared immediately struggles to free himself from the string in fear of Instrumentalisizing his fingers or some other body part.
Off-screen Woman's Voice: Excuse me.
Jared spins around to face Paige Turner, distraught eyes plead as she offers her copy of "Sidestep".
PAIGE: Please sign my book.
JARED: I'm a little tied up at the moment.
Feel free to groan.
The Bookworm looks confused for a moment, then spots the string imprisoning Jared's fingers.
PAIGE: (tucking the book under her arm, not an easy feat; it's over 1000 pages) Here, just let me--
JARED: (back-pedaling) NO! I could liquefy you, or me, or everyone! FLEE! (runs off)
PAIGE: Wait! Sign my book! (chases after Jared)

INT.  JOHN'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
JOHN: What is that racket?
REI: (marking in her notepad) nothing, i am sure.
JOHN: I have been getting complaints about your antics.
REI: antics? i shall have to step it up, i was hoping for shenanigans.
JOHN: (musing out loud) Well, Jared and Andy did set the bar for mischief kind of high--… Anyway! You had something to ask me?
REI: (suddenly pensive) oniisan... no, commander... am i a doll?
JOHN: (chuckles nervously) Rei, what kind of... (sighs) Give me a moment to gather this.
REI: (nods)
John walks back to his desk. As he passes by the monolithic structure, he makes a series of hand gestures. Then the Goon sits, shivering for just a moment after doing so.
Twenty seconds later, a random NERV employee hurries into the office carrying a comfortable office chair and a glass of water. The employee scurries out as John offers the chair and drink to Rei.
JOHN: (repeating) Are you a doll? A doll cannot move on its own, cannot speak on its own, cannot dress itself, in short, a doll has no soul, no life. You came to me with a question on your own, you chose to wear that dress today instead of your usual school uniform, you have autonomy that a doll does not.
REI: you asked me to wear different clothing, to come to you if i ever had questions.
JOHN: But you still chose to comply. Rei, what are you?
REI: i ask myself that question every day.
JOHN: (smiles)
REI: i am a clone of the result of the fusing of dna from the second angel, lilith, with that of the late doctor yui ikari.
JOHN: So that makes you half-angel, half-human.
REI: i do not know the exact ratio of human/angel dna, doctor akagi may know.
JOHN: Part-Angel then. Rei, what is an Angel?
REI: i do not understand. the common definition is that an angel is a messenger from god. however, the creatures they we fight are also called angels.
JOHN: Let us back up then. God created the universe, or at least set things in motion. That argument is for another time. Then God created the Angels. The Angels were to sing praise to God, serve God, and otherwise be extensions of God's will. They had no choice or willpower save what God allowed them. Then one day, God granted the gift of Choice to his most favorite of Angels, Lucifer.
REI: lucifer chose not to worship god and was cast from heaven after inciting a revolt. then god created man, and gave man the ability to choose.
JOHN: Angels serve God, that's what they were made for. Humans can choose what to do. The Angel in you wants to serve, Rei. But the Human in you gets to choose who you serve. You aren't bound to serve to anyone; be it God, Gendo, or even me. You can choose to serve yourself, Rei. That is what makes you Human, and that is why you are not a doll.
Rei sits in the chair, staring at John for a minute.
REI: arigato.

INT.  HALLWAY IN NERV LEADING TO RESTRICTED SECTOR SEVEN - MOMENTS LATER
JARED: Doctor!
RITSUKO: (turns to glare) What?
JARED: (shows the knot) Fix it!
RITSUKO: (-_-) What?
JARED: I don't want to evolve my hands!
RITSUKO: (looks closer at the string pattern) I must admit, I'm impressed. How did you pull this off?
JARED: I didn't, I'm just stuck with it! Help me!
RITSUKO: Well, if you insist. (pulls back her lab coat gunfighter-style to expose her lightsaber) Hold still.
JARED: (recoiling, bouncing around and otherwise not holding still) No!
RITSUKO: What now?
JARED: Are you sure you won't evolve something by doing this?
RITSUKO: ... (dumbfounded) ...
JARED: What with the Jedi stuff and the energy blade and the system here...
RITSUKO: It's string.
JARED: (deep breath, prepares for a rant)
PAIGE: Sign my book! Please! Mister!
JARED: (chokes on his breath) Gah! It's the crazy librarian!
Jared darts into a nearby room. Paige is almost right behind him; book in one hand, marker in the other.
RITSUKO: (to the empty hallway) You know what? I don't care.

INT.  NERV CAFETERIA - MOMENTS LATER
Misato is refilling her mug of coffee as Andy descends from the overhead duct almost silently. The Maniac rises to his full height behind NERV's Tactical Commander.
MISATO: I've got a long night ahead of me, Mucha.
ANDY: You knew John was Commander.
MISATO: And up until this afternoon I had done a pretty good job of hiding it from him.
ANDY: You're not the least bit concerned with this?
MISATO: (sighs) Of course, I'm concerned. NERV traded a predictable madman for an unpredictable madman. I think the biggest difference will be that Genoni actually gives a rat's ass about the people here. Whether that turns out to be a good thing or not, we'll just have to see.
ANDY: It's normally my policy to enact revenge on any and all attacks.
Misato tenses and slowly moves to set her mug down.
ANDY: But I'm going to postpone my retribution for now. Because I--
Jared bursts through the doors.
JARED: Crazy Librarian! Crazy Librarian!
ANDY: ( o.o ) ...
MISATO: ( o.o ) ...
JARED: Andy! Alley-oop!
Jared runs at Andy and jumps; Andy catches Jared's foot and boosts him up into the duct.
MISATO: What--
Paige rushes into the room surrounded by a swarm of little paper airplanes. She glares at the open duct and the planes begin to dart and stab around the opening. Jared yelps from inside the duct.
PAIGE: Mister! Please sign my book!
Napkin holders on the tables explode as the napkins gather under the open duct in the shape of a ladder. Paige is up the ladder and into the duct in seconds. The ladder collapses a few seconds later.
ANDY: (looking at the mess) I say we blame this on Jared.

INT.  GOONS' OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Jared has found solace in the Goon's office, or at least the reinforced walls and doors to hide behind. On one side, Jared is breathing easier. On the other side of the door, Paige is hammering against it.
PAIGE: Please, just sign my book! It's a really good book!
JARED: Go away!
PAIGE: Not until you sign my book!
Paige takes a deep breath and presses her palm against the door.
Inside the office, Andy's finished origami Gunbuster comes to life and leaps onto Jared's head. Jared starts thrashing around the office with his fingers still tied together trying to dislodge the paper mecha. Eventually, he trips over his chair and lands on his back. The Gunbuster model lands on the desk overlooking Jared like a vulture.
JARED: The hell?
The origami-bot poses for a second before tearing off its chest plate.
JARED: (struggles to rise) Oh no!
The folded Gunbuster then rips out its paper heart and leaps at Jared.
Jared reflexively guards, putting the string Sephirot between him and the suicidal mecha.
Cut to a panoramic view of the entire Geofront. A cross-shaped pillar of fire explodes from... well, you know the rest.
BOOM! WHEE!

INT.  NERV HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE GOONS' OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
John arrives in the hallway outside his former office. A dozen NERV technicians gather around the door. They stand at attention when they notice John.
JOHN: What the hell happened, we lost color for a whole minute!
Paige is huddled against the storage closet door, overcoat wrapped tightly around her. John glances at her for a moment, then approaches the door. A technician stops him.
RANDOM NERV TECHNICIAN: Don't do it, Sir! We've already lost three men.
JOHN: To what?
RANDOM NERV TECHNICIAN: We're not sure. Some kind of gravity bomb. They opened the door and got sucked in.
JOHN: (sighs) Ms. Turner.
Paige "meeps" but stands, holding her coat tightly shut.
PAIGE: H-h-hai, Commander?
JOHN: Is there a correlation to you ripping open your shirt and a quantum singularity being created in my former office?
PAIGE: (blushes) I... uh...
Ms. Dust gracefully falls through the ceiling next to Ms. Turner.
MS. DUST: (to Paige) Are you okay?
Just then, the door to the office opens. A number of the technicians recoil or try to run away. The office is covered in confetti and shredded paper such that it looks like a blizzard blew through. Jared, hair on fire again, clothes torn, covered in thin red lines, drags himself from the office and collapses in front of the two women.
JOHN: (nudging Jared with his shoe) You dead?
JARED: (groans) Yes.
A few techs run off screaming about zombies.
JOHN: Death by a Thousand Papercuts?
Jared grumbles.
JOHN: Don't make me ask for some lemon juice and salt.
MS. DUST: (biting her lip, to herself) This might be my only chance to kill him. Surely he can't be that important to NERV!
PAIGE: (kneels down) Mister?
JARED: What?
PAIGE: Please sign my book.
MS. DUST: What?! God damn it, Turner, again?
PAIGE: Gomen nasai, Dust-san.
JARED: Fine... (groans, tries to roll over to sit up) You know these were five bucks a pop at the convention. What sort of... comp...pen...sate... (goofy grin)
Paige is offering him a pen and her copy of Sidestep. In doing so, she's had to let go of her overcoat allowing it to swing free. This offers Jared a full view of her very occupied bra and the savaged shirt Paige had ripped, imitating Noriko Takaya.
JARED: (signing the book) That will do nicely.
It occurs to Paige what just happened and she squeaks, tries to cover herself, and take her book back from Jared at the same time. Dust grabs Jared and hoists him to his feet.
MS. DUST: You pervert! I should crush your heart!
Dust thrusts her hand into Jared's chest. That's when she notices Jared's hand already through her own chest. Jared looks disappointed.
Dust shudders in revulsion and throws Jared down the hall. Andy teleports into the hallway, catches Jared mid-air and vanishes with the Pervert before either of their feet can kiss the floor.
PAIGE: What just happened?
JOHN: Welcome to NERV.
Ritsuko's two newest henchwomen stare blankly at John.
JOHN: Ms. Dust, see to it Ms. Turner replaces that shirt before she resumes her duties. (points to a random tech) I need a cart to move my stuff to my new office. The rest of you can clean up this mess.

INT.  DEEP WITHIN NERV'S SECTOR SEVEN - LATE THAT NIGHT
Ritsuko is swiftly typing the final bits of code onto a laptop labeled with just a Greek "gamma" letter. Jerak Walters sets a NERV mug filled with wake-up juice next to the Project Leader. Aside from the overhead lights, the cubical farm is lit by a series of bay windows on all walls holographically displaying a real-time image of Tokyo-3 as if from a super-tall skyscraper. An evening rainstorm is showering the city currently.
RITSUKO: Thank you, Walters. You're here late.
JERAK: Renton chained himself to his desk until he finishes the Type F designs. It's my turn to feed him.
RITSUKO: Half of the engineers here run on the border line of breakdown or breakthrough. Maybe if we moved you to outside the city instead of burying you miles underground.
JERAK: Nah, you can't beat the view down here. (gestures at the image of the bay)
RITSUKO: Insert pretentious philosophical rambling here.
JERAK: Ma'am?
RITSUKO: (fingers pause for a moment) Nothing.
On the screen, under the final lines of code a command prompt blinks.
Goon Disruption Project Execute (Y/N): _
RITSUKO: (presses two keys) Nothing at all.

*   *   *
TITLE FLASH
NEON GENISIS: GOONVANGELION
EPISODE 10

Crisis of Infinite Identity / Who are You?
*   *   *

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
The Goons seems especially sluggish this morning, dragging their feet in slow deliberate movements. They slowly start chewing their morning cereal. It's an "Elephant in the Room" scenario, everyone knows something is out of place, but no one wants to point it out.
JARED: Anyone else feel weird?
Then again maybe not.
ANDY: I'm just a little tired this morning. It's nothing.
JARED: I didn't say you were tired.
ANDY: Okay, then what are you feeling?
JARED: So you can feel it too?
ANDY: You tell me.
JARED: It feels like I'm on the ground for the first time. Like I was in orbit for my entire life and just now I am feeling the full weight of my body. And it's not just that, my senses are dull. This cereal tastes bland, my vision is a little fuzzy, I can't "feel" anything.
ANDY: (stares blankly at Jared) ...
JARED: What?
ANDY: You're right.
JARED: I am?!
ANDY: (turning to the only other person at the table) John? How do you feel?
John raises his head. For the first time in years, his glasses aren't opaque with glare. They can see right through to his calculating violet irises. Then they notice his skin is a healthier shade.
JOHN: (grins) I feel... alive.
John goes back to eating his cereal as if it's the first time he's ever actually tasted it. He finishes quickly, sets his dish in the sink and heads for the balcony.
JOHN: The fresh smell of a city after an evening rain. I think I'm going to fly to work today. See you at NERV!
John takes a running start and leaps off the balcony.
Jared and Andy look interested at what he's doing.
Then John starts screaming.
Until he hits the pavement anyways.
Jared and Andy watch the open balcony door for another minute. The doorbell rings, a holographic of Misato and the kids standing outside displays next to the door. Misato is smiling sugary sweet but is apparently holding something behind her back.
At least that much is obvious to Andy; Jared only sees the side effect of Misato jutting her chest out.
ANDY: (seriously considering John's exit strategy) You get it.
JARED: And how!
Jared rushes to the door. The door opens and Misato immediately pistol-whips him.
MISATO: (stepping over Jared, raising her voice with every step to Andy) I don't know how you did it, but I know you did it, NOW UN-DO IT!
ANDY: You're feeling it too? I always sort of figured this kind of thing would just happen to us.
REI: where is genoni-sama?
ASUKA: Yeah, where's the Worm?!
From outside the window there's a sound like a soft gunshot. A claw shoots past the balcony and harpoons somewhere above the opening. The line attached tightens and a few seconds later, John is drug over the balcony gripping a device in his fist.
The Psycho dusts off his clothes and reenters the apartment.
SHINJI: The Hell?
JOHN: I'm... (evasive) not Batman.
ASUKA: He didn't ask if you were, Dummkopf.
JOHN: (ignores Asuka) Andy, politely ask Misato for her keys.
MISATO: Why my car?
ANDY: Why am I driving?
JOHN: Because you're scared enough about being weakened you won't drive like a maniac.
MISATO: Weakened?!
JOHN: You haven't noticed it? Our ki is gone.
Dun dun DUN!

INT.  MISATO'S MINIVAN - HALF AN HOUR LATER
The drive to NERV is tense. There were few people on the road and were driving ultra conservatively, but inside the nigh-invincible behemoth Misato takes turns glaring at each Goon, but eventually settles on John. After the kids are dropped off at school, she finally opens her mouth.
MISATO: How did you do it?
JOHN: That's not for me to answer.
MISATO: Was it your shadow? Did you suck the ki out of everyone?
Andy spares John an angry look.
JOHN: Though I'm not sure such a feat this magnitude is possible, I have not been motivated to try.
MISATO: Subconsciously then. Power acting on its own.
JOHN: You're being paranoid.
MISATO: And you're too calm.
JOHN: I didn't fall seven stories for giggles.
But it was damn funny.
MISATO: You survived though.
JOHN: I'm not without a few tricks.
MISATO: You're lying, if your power is gone same as everyone, not only should you be dead, but you should be as scared as the rest of us.
ANDY: I'm not scared.
JOHN: (gazes out the window) You don't know what it's like to be me.
JARED: (looks up from his latest writing project) That sucked for drama.
JOHN: Oh, shut up.

INT.  HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF JOHN'S OFFICE - ANOTHER HOUR LATER
Ritsuko stands by the door with her clipboard and a stack of papers. John exits the nearby elevator trailed by Misato. Jared and Andy seem to have gotten lost following the Psycho.
JOHN: Ah, Doctor, glad I didn't have to call for you.
MISATO: Ritsuko, what's going on?!
RITSUKO: (pained expression) Misato, I...
JOHN: If both of you would join me for a moment?

INT.  JOHN'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
A glowing cat-girl is stretching herself on John's Desk.
CAT-GIRL: (James's voice) Took you long enough.
JOHN: ... (takes a moment to process this) Surely there are other avatars out there.
NEKO-JAMES: Yeah, but check it.
The hologram sits up, hops off the desk and bounces towards John. Each movement sends the holographic bust jiggling like excited puppies.
NEKO-JAMES: You won't believe the amount of code put into animating these things. That's Gainax for you.
JOHN: Find a new avatar, James. I don't need you jiggling around here while I'm working.
NEKO-JAMES: (pouts then drapes herself over John's shoulder staring at Ritsuko) You're just saying that because they're here.
John walks through the hologram and waves his hand over one of the desk's sensors. The room's holographics freeze and blink away.
Ninjas scatter like cockroaches.
Without the illusions, the office looks disappointingly normal. The aquarium is near one of the windows, populated by all manner of tropical fish in addition to the ugly seahorse. A small mountain of stacked papers lays next to the Desk. Assorted memorabilia decorate another wall.
JOHN: Business. Doctor, how did the latest Synch ratio scores come out?
RITSUKO: (blinks, shuffles her papers around on the clipboard) Uh, well Monday's test showed Ayanami at 91%, Sohryu at 92%, Ikari at 87%, Suzuhara at 74%, Aide at 61%, Waddell at 96%, Mucha at 97%, and you at 95%. Your scores have held steady. Ayanami and Sohryu seem to be topping off. Ikari hasn't made any significant improvement, but he does seem to be gaining little by little. Suzuhara has gone up five points. And Aida has jumped eleven points. This is all since their last test ten days ago. But I'm not sure what kind of effect--
JOHN: (raises his hand to silence her) Major, we are going to need to pull the pilots from class tomorrow for extensive synch tests.
MISATO: Why not today?! We need to find out the combat readiness of the pilots as soon as (ignores John's raised hand) possible!
JOHN: (glares at Misato) I know it's difficult, given recent events and your gender, but do try to remain calm and professional. If you freak out, so will half of NERV. (sits down) Alright, Doctor, I'm impressed.
RITSUKO: (stone faced) Thank you.
JOHN: How much will this affect the Evas?
RITSUKO: Testing showed significant interference with AT-Fields. I'm positive an Angel could adapt to the disruption gaining an advantage given enough time.
JOHN: Can you disable it during an Angel attack then?
RITSUKO: Yes, Commander.
MISATO: Disable? You mean it's a device? Ritsuko!
RITSUKO: (apologetic expression to Misato) Misato, I'm sorry.
JOHN: You might as well explain it, Doctor.
RITSUKO: NERV inherited a project from Gehirn, who inherited it from the Japanese government. In the mid-nineties there was a (pauses to choose her words) problem with the local martial artist population in a Tokyo prefecture. Enough property was damaged that even after they outlawed duels in public areas, a more drastic solution was devised. They wanted a generator of sorts to radiate a ki dampening field around the prefecture. The idea was tossed around, but lost interest when a local family was assassinated by Yakuza.
JOHN: Wait, what?
RITSUKO: Probably owed money and didn't pay them back. The family seemed to be a magnet for trouble, however, and with them gone, things settled down. So the Ki Dampener project was mothballed.
JOHN: The whole family?
RITSUKO: The family isn't important to this discussion. Gehirn eventually picked up the project as a potential Angel defense, but Project E took up most of Gehirn's resources and so the project crept along on the back burner. It was virtually abandoned when Gehirn became NERV.
JOHN: Then we came along.
RITSUKO: The Japanese government asked NERV to look into a method to control you three, as did Commander Ikari. I discovered the old Ki Dampener project and we were able to finalize the Ki Disruptor based on that research. Of course, the idea was to just neutralize the three of you, not everyone in Japan. But when I discovered the chaotic nature of the Goons' ki, it became obvious that such a thing wouldn't be possible. Between the fight between Mucha and Waddell and the giant ox incident, I felt that I could no longer delay the disruptor's activation.
MISATO: But, why won't it work on just them?
RITSUKO: One of the disruptor's functions is to single out specific energy patterns. But when I discovered that the Goons have both all and none of the usual patterns, I focused on broadening the scope of the disruption.
MISATO: But if you're disrupting ki, then won't people die?!
RITSUKO: I expect that a few senior citizens may die as a result of the shock. But the Disruptor isn't meant to work on life-sustaining ki. Energy internal to the body still functions, but external expressions of energy are disabled. 
MISATO: I'm numb!
RITSUKO: You just are used to having your senses heightened.
MISATO: But isn't sensing an internal thing?!
RITSUKO: No, ki sensing acts like sonar, radiating out and bring back scents, sights, and textures. You're pinging into an abyss.
JOHN: Could you calibrate the machine to only affect high levels of energy?
RITSUKO: Are you talking about amplitude or frequency?
MISATO: Is there a difference?
RITSUKO: The disruptor has to affect all frequencies, otherwise the Goons will adapt around the opening. This means that everyone must be affected using every type of ki technique.
JOHN: Then what about amplitude? Can it act as merely a filter, reducing the effectiveness of techniques instead of shutting everything down? Or have it react to a certain power level and then shut down that local area?
RITSUKO: Not in its current configuration, no. And there's no guarantee that you guys would be weakened to an equal degree. You're so powerful, a 75% reduction to you would still leave everyone else virtually powerless and you guys with energy to spare. The most logical course was complete disruption.
MISATO: (turns angrily to John) THIS IS YOUR FAULT! YOU BROUGHT THIS ON US!
Misato goes for her gun. It's slower than her usual draw but fast enough that Ritsuko doesn't have time to drop her clipboard. Her eyes begin welling up with tears as she aims at John. The Goon's only act of defense is opening his hand at the Major.
Misato is sent skidding along the floor. Her gun hangs in the air, held in place by Ritsuko still standing several feet away.
Apparently it's possible for Misato to get even more pissed off.
MISATO: YOU ROYAL BITCH! NO WONDER YOU TWO ARE SO CALM!
JOHN: I wasn't expecting that to work. Why isn't the Force affected by the disruptor?
MISATO: (stomps towards Ritsuko) This isn't about the Goons! This is about you! You hate martial artists! You've always had it in for us! You hate that we better ourselves by our own power!
JOHN: (standing) Major!
MISATO: (ignores John) Now you have a toy that cuts us down and we can't even fight back!
JOHN: Misato, that's enough!
MISATO: Well, guess what? I hate you too! We're through, we're done!
Misato's arm comes up to slap Ritsuko; John catches it and clamps his hand over Misato's mouth. The Major bites his finger and throws him into his desk, for the trouble. She glares death at Ritsuko for a minute, then storms out of the office.
JOHN: (upside-down, still crumpled against his desk) Doctor? What's the affected area?
Even though Misato's strike didn't land, Ritsuko is as stunned as if it had.
RITSUKO: Japan.
JOHN: All of it?
RITSUKO: Some parts of China and Korea as well, but yes, all of Japan.
JOHN: I notice NERV is affected too. So there's a second device in the Geofront somewhere? You can't possibly get penetration through the armor. (grunts) Little help?
Ritsuko bends over and helps pull John to his feet.
RITSUKO: (thinking) His hands aren't cold anymore...
JOHN: James?
JAMES: Are you turning the holograms back on?
JOHN: Not soon. I need you to find Kaji, ask him to take Misato to... I don't know. Somewhere nice and far away from Japan for a couple of days. Misato needs to cool off before she kills someone. NERV will buy his tickets.
JAMES: Should I include tickets for Shinji and Asuka?
JOHN: No, they need to stay here for testing, sadly. I'm not about to give everyone a vacation just because they can't jump twenty feet anymore. Doctor Akagi has a list of the most Ki sensitive people in NERV--
Ritsuko's eyes widen.
JOHN: (continuing) --Use that to determine who might have the worst reaction to the Disruptor. If they aren't critical personnel, allow them the option to transfer out to another branch until this gets resolved.
JAMES: Generous.
JOHN: (mock stately) Let it be known I am not without mercy!
RITSUKO: Your hands are warm.
JOHN: (looks at his hands, feels the desk) I guess without any ki of my own to feed on, my Shadow is hibernating.
RITSUKO: (thinking) There are so many holes in that explanation, how can he possibly believe it? (out loud) John... About Misato...
JOHN: Misato wears her emotions on her sleeve. When she gets a chance to calm down, she'll accept the corner you were backed into. She might even apologize.
RITSUKO: She was right.
JOHN: About you hating martial artists?
RITSUKO: My father was a traveling fighter. His affair with my mother lasted as long as the local tournament. Nothing but advancing his precious Art mattered to him. Mother was callous when I asked about him, I suppose it was just a mutual fling. As far as I know, she never tried to contact him. I suppose that should have been my first hint to ignore him, but I couldn't. It left me restless and disturbed my studies. My Master finally sent me off to seek him out. I don't know if she knew what would happen or if it was all a test. I found him, confronted him with my heritage, and asked him to acknowledge my existence.
JOHN: And how did that turn out?
RITSUKO: He said he had no idea who my mother was and that I couldn't possibly be his daughter because I didn't fully appreciate his Art. Words were exchanged, then tables.
JOHN: Sorry.
RITSUKO: Here's what started it all, what pissed me off the most. Fuck, even my first step towards the Dark Side. I beat him. I was sixteen and I owned him. A man who lived or died by his precious Art couldn't even lay a finger on me. What good is a lifetime of martial arts when the Force is so much more powerful?
JOHN: I'm not sure that was the lesson--
RITSUKO: I executed him. I slew him for wasting his life and my time.
JOHN: ( O_O ) How did your mother take the news?

INT.  FLASHBACK - MASSIVE STUDY - AFTERNOON
Young-Ritsuko enters the study. Her hair is its natural black.
YOUNG-RITSUKO: I killed my father.
NAOKO: (reading a research journal) Were you injured?
YOUNG-RITSUKO: No.
NAOKO: Do you want a hug?
YOUNG-RITSUKO: No.
NAOKO: Well then, I'm at a loss. Patricide wasn't covered in the child-rearing manual.
YOUNG-RITSUKO: You don't care.
NAOKO: Of course, I care. This could damage both of our reputations.
YOUNG-RITSUKO: I meant about him.
NAOKO: Him? Dear child, I thought that was obvious years ago.

INT.  JOHN'S OFFICE - PRESENT TIME
JOHN: ( O_O; ) Weird family. I always figured Naoko had cloned herself or something to that effect. I assume you left for college a while after that and met Misato.
RITSUKO: Yes.
JOHN: I think Misato's main problem is that she thinks her strength is gone. Everything Misato has done has been to one purpose: Revenge on the Angels. (puts a reassuring hand on Ritsuko's shoulder) The best thing you can do is help her understand that, and remind her she has another purpose these days.
RITSUKO: Commander?
JOHN: Hmm?
RITSUKO: Why won't you give the order?
JOHN: You mean if I ordered you to disengage the disruptor, you would?
RITSUKO: All authority in NERV eventually rests with you.
JOHN: (grins evilly) Perfect.

INT.  NERV SURFACE ELEVATOR STOPPED IN THE ARMOR LAYERS - MOMENTS LATER
JARED: Here we are. The only place in Japan where our ki still works.
ANDY: We shall be kings of this underground realm! The Molemen shall serve us faithfully. Here we can plot our vengeance of that infernal Doctor!
JARED: I think you're taking this harder than you should be.
ANDY: I WON'T FORGIVE HER!
JARED: (rubs his ears) Not so loud, please.
ANDY: This! This is why John shouldn't be allowed to run NERV! His icky romantic feelings for Akagi allowed her to do this!
JARED: Has the idea that this is our fault even crossed your mind?
ANDY: How could this be our fault?! We didn't build the damn thing!
The elevator's intercom crackles.
JOHN: (voice) There you are. Meet me in my office, we need to talk.
ANDY: I've got nothing to say to you. And address me as King of Elevator 7B.
JOHN: (voice) Jared?
JARED: I could've used some warning ahead of time. Was this your idea?
JOHN: (voice) Not originally.
JARED: What do you mean not originally?
JOHN: (voice) I mean, turning it on wasn't my idea. Keeping it on, however, is.
ANDY: WHAT?!
JARED: Volume! You're rattling the windows! John, what are saying?
JOHN: (voice) Ritsuko's resolve crumbled when Misato threw a royal fit. But she can't turn it off without my authorization now.
ANDY: You son of a bitch! You turned on us!
JOHN: (still calm) I'm not just responsible for you guys any more. I have to ensure the lives of over a hundred thousand employees. You guys are NERV's biggest threat, fuck the Angels. It was either take our powers or take our lives.
JARED: What about an Angel attack?
JOHN: The device will be disabled to aid in defense.
JARED: So we're back to square one?
JOHN: Look at it this way, your car is no longer a redundant means of transportation.
JARED: My car is still in pieces. What about you?
JOHN: You think the Commander of NERV is reduced to driving himself around town?
JARED: What about fast travel? Emergencies?
JOHN: Take a Goon Pole then.
ANDY: You won't get away with this!
JOHN: Andy...
ANDY: King of Elevator 7B!
JOHN: This is how it is. Either live with it or give me a reason to not keep it up.
ANDY: It's on, Genoni, hand to hand, mano a mano, just you and me and my GUNS!
JOHN: Jared, I'll send another lift up so you can go about your business.
JARED: (ignoring Andy's ranting) I'd appreciate that, Andy blasted the controls.

INT.  YET ANOTHER ELEVATOR - SAME TIME
KAJI: (sighs) Misato, you're being childish.
MISATO: Call me Queen of Elevator 6D!

INT.  JOHN'S OFFICE - AN HOUR LATER
The holographics are back on allowing John to carry on his paperwork at the bottom of the sea as Poseidon, God of the Seas. Jared enters and is immediately rendered into a large crab. Dozens of tropical fish seem to be holding a set distance away.
JOHN: This is what I get for putting crap off. I could have done all this in two seconds with my Shadow.
JARED: I've been thinking.
JOHN: (skeptical eyebrow raised) Have you now?
JARED: NERV's affected so there's another device. Why not keep the suppression down here, free up the surface? This can't be good for public relations.
JOHN: You weren't fighting Andy down in NERV.
JARED: Is that it?
JOHN: Jared, take a good hard look at the sky tonight. Someone spun the Moon. The fucking Moon. It's not a big leap of logic to conclude one of us did that. I sure as Hell don't remember doing it, but it doesn't fit you or Andy's style either. If shit on that kind of scale can happen without my knowledge, I have to put a stop to it.
JARED: You think that you're beginning to abuse your powers.
JOHN: Didn't you hear me say I wanted to use my Shadow to do paperwork?! That is unacceptable.
JARED: So, your reasoning is, not only are you scaling Andy and I back, you're removing your own temptation.
JOHN: Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
JARED: You're still Commander of NERV, you're above mortal law.
JOHN: Exactly, it's bad enough without an all-consuming matter converter stuck to my feet.
JARED: You're using this as an excuse to hide.
JOHN: Hiding from what?
ANDY: (voice through the Mini-MAGI) From me, you back-stabber!
JOHN: Andy...
ANDY: (voice) King of Elevator 7B!
JOHN: ... You have ten seconds to get out of there before I activate Plan 67W.
JARED: What's 67W?
JOHN: Use the magnetics in the lifts to shoot the cars like a rail gun.
JARED: Anti-Invasion measure?
JOHN: That, and it's fun. (Into his Mini-MAGI while typing) We'll talk later Andy.
ANDY: (voice) Damn y-- (static)
JARED: Where are the tubes aimed at?
JOHN: Out into the harbor.
JARED: Oh, that's not too bad.
JOHN: Anything else? (gestures at the pile) I do have work.
JARED: Yeah are those fish (points a claw to the other creatures) the ninjas?
JOHN: Probably. I just ignore them.
JARED: (eye stalks sway around the oceanic room) And the giant octopus?
JOHN: That's the giant octopus.
JARED: (backing away from a slowly creeping tentacle) I see...
JOHN: I want you to work with the Sector Seven guys on finalizing the new Rail Gun. I'm pretty sure it's my fault the thing blew up.
JARED: I'll swing by after lunch, good enough?
JOHN: Sure.
Jared scuttles off.

INT.  CONFIDENTIAL VIRTUAL MEETING ROOM - TIME UNKNOWN
SOUND ONLY #3: Reports confirmed across the nation, General. All ki techniques have been disabled.
SOUND ONLY #1: That's it, NERV has gone too far!
SOUND ONLY #2: Technically, General, we asked them to do this a year ago.
SOUND ONLY #1: That was to suppress just those... those...
SOUND ONLY #4: Goons?
SOUND ONLY #1: ASSHOLES!
SOUND ONLY #3: They're more like giant ants.
SOUND ONLY #2: NERV did seem to overstep their bounds with the scope of their project.
SOUND ONLY #3: With all due respect, you're missing the point.
SOUND ONLY #1: And that is what exactly, Admiral?
SOUND ONLY #3: The Goons must be weakened as well. Now is the perfect opportunity to capture one of them.
SOUND ONLY #4: But which one? Reports say our Jedi are unaffected and Genoni has at least trained as one.
SOUND ONLY #3: Waddell never actually displayed any significant ki techniques in his skirmishes with our troops.
SOUND ONLY #2: Mucha is the only target we haven't attempted yet. Due mainly to the fact we never had anyone capable of matching his power level.
SOUND ONLY #1: Yes, I see. That does seem to be a moot point now, doesn't it?
SOUND ONLY #4: Then it's agreed. We'll look for an opportunity to detain Mucha and extract information from him.

EXT.  DECK OF THE JDS CRUISER KOHOKUKAWA - OUTSIDE NEW YOKOHAMA - SOME TIME LATER
The stationed rescue hovercraft returns after fishing a person out of the water. The Executive Officer meets with the soggy survivor.
EXECUTIVE OFFICER: What's your name, son?
Andy finishes toweling his head off and hands the officer his NERV ID.
EX. OFFICER: "An-dee Mu-cha"?
ANDY: "Mu-ka", it's Czech.
EX. OFFICER: Looks like Spanish, "mucha". (hands back the card)
ANDY: When they put chocolate in your coffee at Starbucks, what's that?
EX. OFFICER: A "mo-ka".
ANDY: Then don't tell me how to same my own name.
EX. OFFICER: Alright, Jeeze.
A communicator beeps on the officer's belt.
EX. OFFICER: (putting the device to his ear) Yes?
CAPTAIN: In front of you is number one on the JSSDF most wanted. We just got the order.
EX. OFFICER: (swallows, smiles)
CAPTAIN: I've ordered the marines into their heavy armor. Our mission is to keep him contained until a suitable transport can arrive, ETA is seven minutes. Try to keep him calm until then.
EX. OFFICER: (sweating) Very good, Sir. (putting the device away) W-w-well...
ANDY: Hi.
The Executive Officer shrieks and leaps overboard.
ANDY: ... Why do people keep doing that?
The hovercraft pilot shrugs.
ANDY: That X.O. really needs to learn which button is speaker and which is private.
PILOT: Yeah.
ANDY: Any chance of a lift to dry land?
PILOT: Sorry, Sir, Captain's orders.
ANDY: Didn't the captain guy say a hovercraft was coming for me?
PILOT: Yeah.
A light breeze blows past.
PILOT: Are you really on the most wanted list?
ANDY: I don't know. Maybe. (mutters) Can't be expected to keep track of what lists I'm on.
PILOT: So, you're gonna wait here for them to nab you?
ANDY: I don't see why not. I just toweled off, so I don't feel like swimming. And, honestly, I'm not in a rush to get back to NERV.
PILOT: Well, I'm not going to wish you luck, I'd get fired.
ANDY: (dismissive wave) Yeah, yeah.
Andy shields his eyes from the sun looking up at the large hovercraft descending as the Marine contingent arrives on the deck in full armor.

EXT.  NEW YOKOHAMA HARBOR - NEXT TO BURNING DEBRIS - FOUR HOURS LATER
After a lengthy and exciting chase sequence through Tokyo-3 that we can't afford to show due to budget constraints...
Word budget. Winkwink.
Andy crawls back onto his feet, stubbornly holding onto consciousness. Wreckage and ruins from John's last minute rescue lay burning around them.
ANDY: I... didn't know... it could... do that.
JOHN: Neither did I, amazing the stuff they hide in the manual..
The pair watch as Laz~E~Slave finishes returning to Chair mode.
ANDY: So cool.
JOHN: Yeah, it is.
ANDY: I'm still pissed about this ki thing. I wouldn't be in so bad shape if I had my powers.
JOHN: You'll live. Well, at least until Jared sees you. You should wash up.
ANDY: Huh?
Andy catches his reflection in a broken store window. A sniper had nailed his forehead with a 0.50 caliber slug, not only had Andy survived that but the worst damage seemed to be a jagged cut left behind. At some point the sunglasses he'd tried using for a disguise had lost their lens. Andy was still boggling how the JSSDF had found him, even after he'd gone through the trouble of finding that red and yellow striped scarf and sweater that fit.
… It's times like these I actually wish we had lawyers.
ANDY: (thinking) It must have been those damn kids screaming "Scary Otter" or something to that effect.
Never mind that you're nearly seven feet tall, idiot.
ANDY: No one asked you.
A chunk of rubble comes loose and lands on Andy's head.
ANDY: (dusting himself off) I mean it, Genoni. One day. You and I--
JOHN: (interrupting) In a little toy shop.
ANDY: (continuing) We're going to buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got. Then we'll set them free at the break of dawn until one by one they are gone. But back at base--DAMN YOU, GENONI!
JOHN: (sitting down in his Chair) Are you done? Let's go.

INT.  PLUSH LIMOUSINE - THAT NIGHT
JOHN: (locked in an epic struggle with his bow tie) Why are we here?
RITSUKO: Ask a philosopher.
JOHN: No I mean, stupid tie, why are we here?
RITSUKO: (finally slapping John's hands off the silk band and adjusting it herself) Kaji spent six hours today convincing Misato to leave that elevator. For the trouble, we--and by that, I mean you--are treating he and Misato to dinner before their flight leaves in the morning.
JOHN: But why are we here?
RITSUKO: You're the Commander of NERV, you can't just have dinner at some fast food grease pit. Show some class.
JOHN: Ok. (as Ritsuko finishes adjusting the bow) Why are we here?
Ritsuko blinks, then occupies herself with a vanity mirror.
JOHN: Rit-chan?
RITSUKO: Stop calling me that. (coughs) We are here because it's a double-date. And you need me.
JOHN: (intrigued) I'm intrigued.
RITSUKO: Japan's movers and shakers frequent this restaurant. We need funding, but you don't have any social currency to spend here. Between the weight of my name and accomplishments and Misato's little fan club, I'm hoping we can secure enough to last until the next reminder of NERV's necessity.
JOHN: You plan is to tread water until another Angel attack?
RITSUKO: Unless you have a plan. (waits a moment) I didn't think so.
JOHN: (brooding) Quit checking your make-up, you look stunning.
RITSUKO: I... Thank you.
JOHN: I thought you hated me.
RITSUKO: Yeah, I sleep with every man I hate.
JOHN: You might.
RITSUKO: I was being sarcastic. (deep breath) I'm not in a mood to fight. Just be on your best behavior.
The limo slows to a stop.
JOHN: I thought I was Tokyo-3's mover and shaker.
RITSUKO: Trumpeting your prowess in bed?
JOHN: You know what I mean. Why can't I snap my fingers and point to where they can drop off the money?
RITSUKO: How do you fools put it? Oh yes, Complicated Japanese Head Games.
JOHN: (unpleasant face) I really didn't want to hear that.
RITSUKO: Maybe you didn't notice because you were fiddling with that tie, but we're in Tokyo-2. And I said Japan's movers and shakers. Business owners from all over the nation come here to mingle.
JOHN: Sounds like a delicate social dance and I don't know the choreography.
RITSUKO: No one expects you to. All you need to do is not embarrass me and try to come off as stable and not mentally-challenged. A tall order, I know.
JOHN: I thought you didn't want to fight. Do I get out first?
RITSUKO: Yes, then take my hand and escort me inside.
JOHN: What is this, the Oscar's?
RITSUKO: Ugh, I'm already getting a bad feeling about this.
JOHN: Goon sense is holding steady. (blink) Why aren't we out of the limo yet?
RITSUKO: There's a line.
JOHN: This bad feeling? Bottom of the stomach, kind of doughy?
RITSUKO: No. (blink) What? Doughy?
JOHN: Maybe it was lunch, you Japanese under cook everything.
RITSUKO: Can you please refrain from racial sniping while we're here?
JOHN: (grinning) No promises.

INT.  SNOOTY RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER
The dinner gathering was within an elite hotel's grand ballroom. There were a hundred or so suits with their own entourages and arm candies. Every one of them trying to appear more popular than the next. They mingled, told bad jokes, and otherwise congratulated each other for staying alive and incredibly wealthy since the Post Impact wars and Depression.
Misato and Kaji had arrived earlier and entered on her charms alone. Being six inches taller than the next man let John keep track of the Major. It wasn't hard; he just had to find the largest cluster of old men. John had lost track of Kaji early on, but then if Kaji didn't know how to blend into a crowd, he wouldn't have the job he did. Ritsuko had her own little gathering of technology moguls familiar with her or her mother's work. They complimented her in between attempts to bribe her away from NERV and tease out solutions to their own R&D problems.
John was regarded as a curiosity. Before Ritsuko had been swept away, she had led the Psycho around the room reciting names of people and corporations. Business cards were traded, the occasional CEO would circle back to see if John had forgotten their name. Once those with the closest ties to NERV were convinced that John was at least at the level of a well-trained simian, the questions started.
OLD CEO #1: So what happened to Ikari?
JOHN: He had to leave for health concerns.
OLD CEO #2: I understand two of NERV's own agents were responsible for the destruction of Tokyo-3. Are the rumors about them being escaped experiments true?
JOHN: Humans can't do that kind of damage; it was a stray beam from the Angel fight. We were more concerned with protecting the civilians than empty buildings.
OLD CEO #3: What did that giant bull smell like?
JOHN: Bad.
YOUNG CEO #1: I remember you from the Jet Alone presentation.
JOHN: That wasn't a question.
OLD CEO #4: If two bullet trains are traveling 240 kilometers an hour and one leaves from--
JOHN: Forty-two minutes.
YOUNG CEO #2: If Ikari jumped ship, why should I continue investing in NERV?
JOHN: NERV exists to fight the Angels, we're the only ones who can.
YOUNG CEO #3: Why wouldn't an orbital death ray solve the Angel problem?
JOHN: Evas are cheaper.
OLD CEO #5: Ikari would have come prepared, you know.
JOHN: What do you mean?
OLD CEO #5: I'll overlook it this time, since you're new and clearly didn't know better.
JOHN: Know what?
YOUNG CEO #4: You should hire more female pilots.
JOHN: I'll consider it.
YOUNG CEO #5: Does NERV know anything about the sudden loss of ki across the country?
JOHN: NERV is aware of the situation and we are working on a solution.
OLD CEO #6: Surely he didn't come without--
OLD CEO #5: He didn't.
OLD CEO #6: Oh, and I was so looking forward to the bidding.
OLD CEO #1: You would think Ikari would have left instructions for his substitute.
JOHN: He had other things on his mind when he left. If I may, what are you gentlemen referring to?
OLD CEO #2: The bidding. The bidding!
YOUNG CEO #2: It might not be the most prudent--
OLD CEO #3: Nonsense, he'll never know what to do if no one tells him.
YOUNG CEO #1: Ikari understood the needs of men in power. He would often bring a gift for the Old Men to bid over.
OLD CEO #6: Oh don't sound so high and mighty. You do it too.
YOUNG CEO #1: Of course, if Ikari's gift was something only he had access to, then there's little to be done, but I think your transition to power would go a lot smoother if you found a way to continue our little tradition.
John's mind races to pick apart the conversation's points. The needs of men in power. Only Gendo had access. A gift for bidding. The needs of Old Men in power...
Ice water slides through John's veins. John forces himself to laugh and smile.
JOHN: Well, NERV has made remarkable progress in all kind of research, especially microbiology. Unfortunately, a Cure for the Common Cold is still out of reach for the moment.
The closely gathered group of investors and owners stare shrewdly at John for a moment.
OLD MAN #5: Oh, that's too bad.
OLD MAN #3: Health is important.
JOHN: I'll convey your best regards.
They begin to disperse back into the crowd. John excuses himself from the remainder and weaves through the crowd to Ritsuko.
JOHN: (smiling) Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to steal my Project Leader away from you.
Some of them chuckle. John hooks Ritsuko's arm and leads her toward the least populated area. John maintains a pleasant expression.
RITSUKO: Thank you. I hate these functions.
JOHN: You have to get me out of here. It's a moral imperative.
RITSUKO: What are you talking about?
JOHN: I figured out how Gendo kept such influential contacts.
RITSUKO: Oh good, we can… (notices John's eyes)
JOHN: (fake smile, but his eyes filled with fury) I was willing to overlook Gendo being an asshole, but for this, I think I will have to kill him. But that's not important right now; I am going to start killing people if I don't leave right away.
RITSUKO: Behave.
JOHN: I'm trying!
RITSUKO: Look, what's wrong?
JOHN: Rei.
RITSUKO: Ayanami? What about--oh. Oh, that son of a bitch. John, you have to believe me I didn't know.
JOHN: Skip it, just get me out of here.
RITSUKO: Okay, contact Maya on your Mini-MAGI, she'll issue an emergency alert.
KAJI: (from out of no where) Seems a little excessive don't you think?
RITSUKO: Where the hell have you been sneaking off to?
KAJI: Ah Ritsu-chan, sore wa himitsu desu.
RITSUKO: If you're going to be cute, then fetch Misato.
KAJI: Wouldn't it be best if we stayed behind to cover for you? Besides, I would think that two people of your ability would find it easy to leave unnoticed.

INT.  JOHN'S OFFICE - EARLY MORNING, TWO DAYS LATER
Asuka stalks into the office. The holographics are set to a beach setting. A busty blonde cat girl in a bikini is stretched out on the sand soaking up the artificial sun. A set distance away hermit crabs watch her. The cat girl squints open one eye. Asuka is immediately rendered into her red and white bikini.
ASUKA: (looking around for any suspicious holograms) Where's the Wo--The Commander?
NEKO-JAMES: Out. Your visit has been noted.
A clipboard appears and fills itself in.
ASUKA: Grr. He's avoiding me.
NEKO-JAMES: (sitting up and begins grooming) Rather full of yourself, aren't you? Do you really think the Commander of an organization like NERV has time to avoid you? It's merely coincidence that he is not at his usual haunts when you're on the warpath.
ASUKA: Where is he now?
NEKO-JAMES: Where a little girl like you can't reach him.
Asuka growls and storms out into the hallway. Her clothes revert back to normal, a pair of slacks and blouse with sneakers.

INT.  NERV HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF JOHN'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
In the hallway, Asuka looks in the two directions she has available and finds both offensive. She curses one direction and stomps down the other.
Asuka passes a Men's Restroom and pays it no mind.
Until John comes through that door humming absently.
Asuka turns. She says nothing.
JOHN: (noticing her) Oh, hi Asuka.
Asuka's response is leap at the Goon screaming and punch him in the throat.
Never one to let a good homicidal rage go to waste, Asuka next throws her entire body behind a knee that may make several of our male audience members uncomfortable. The second her feet touch the ground, she spins trying to bury her elbow into John's heart.
John catches the elbow and uses it as leverage to throw Asuka to the ground, then takes advantage of stunning her to firmly but carefully plant his foot on her stomach, as opposed to stomping her flat like a ketchup packet.
Asuka snarls and attacks John's leg with punches, elbows, and knees, but can't dislodge him to reach anything else. After a minute, she wears herself out and resigns to just glaring murder at the Goon and pant with what little room he's allowed her to breathe.
JOHN: (carefully considering something) ...
Asuka spits, but misses.
JOHN: (nodding) Excellent killer instincts, pilot. Intensity, accuracy, thank you for the demonstration.
ASUKA: Demonstration? I want you DEAD, YOU SICK FUCK!
JOHN: Wonderful! Such spirit! Defiance, even in the face of defeat. You are clearly improving as a fighter as it's those qualities that make an excellent pilot. Of course you should be more careful, pilot. People get imprisoned or executed for attacking their commanding officers like that.
ASUKA: I don't care. I hate you.
JOHN: You're hurting my feelings. What have I done to piss you off this time?
ASUKA: You fucking rape my mind saying I'll learn ki techniques, and now I find out you have a machine robbing everyone of their ki. What the fuck was the point of putting us through that if you were going to take them away?!
JOHN: (sighs) At the time--
ASUKA: I don't want to hear it, you sadistic fuck!
John frowns and applies more pressure to Asuka's stomach. She grunts and tries to pry the foot off again or at least regain some breathing room.
JOHN: (repeating) At the time, there was no ulterior motive to activating the ki disruptor. It is regrettable that so many people have to be affected to shut us down, but that is how the system works right now. (eases pressure, letting Asuka gasp back some air) If I let you up, will I have to put you back down again?
ASUKA: (glares angrily) ... (finally nods)
JOHN: You're going to have to be more vocal.
ASUKA: I'll behave.
John removes his foot and offers his hand. Asuka swats it away and gets back to her feet herself, dusting her shirt off.
ASUKA: How are you still standing?
JOHN: One of the benefits of a randomly fluctuating nervous system. (grumbles) Makes sex annoyingly complicated though.
ASUKA: Like I care.
Asuka turns and walks away from John.

INT.  PILOT TRAINING ROOM DEEP WITHIN NERV - LATER
John peeks into the room. Inside are Shinji, Toji, Kensuke, Jared, and a black board with a crude Baseball diamond and an obsessively detailed woman drawn on it.
All is quiet for a minute.
JOHN: I'm going to be joining your training session later today.
John ducks back out for a second. Then returns.
JOHN: Remember to explain the "Infield Fly Rule" this time. I'm never going to forgive you for skipping that part.
JARED: (snaps his fingers) Did Rachel ever get over--
JOHN: (leaving the room) No.

EXT.  CLEARING IN THE GEOFRONT FOREST - LATER
Jared has the pilots all in a line wearing appropriately colored gi. Asuka in Red, Rei in white, Shinji in blue, Toji in Black, Kensuke in green. The pilots are moving through a kata while Andy, in his usually Hawaiian shirt and shorts, is barking marks. Jared is wearing black gi pants and a tank top. John is in a white T-shirt and sweatpants. All are barefoot.
John sets a small duffel bag down near a tree. Jared steps from the group and intercepts John as he enters the clearing.
JOHN: Do you always move the training area?
JARED: What are you doing here?
JOHN: I told you earlier, I'm joining in.
JARED: First off, no; secondly, you never enter a dojo without permission; and lastly, no.
JOHN: (counting off his fingers) Why not? I'm the Commander of NERV, I go where I please. And why the hell not?
JARED: (counting off his fingers) You didn't ask right. Fuck you. And see previous.
JOHN: ... Don't make me say it.
JARED: Hey, you get to be proud after I'm done with you, not before.
JOHN: You're really going to make me say it.
JARED: 'fraid so.
JOHN: With the Ki Disruptor in place, I can no longer escape conflict with Instant Transmissions, Ki shields, or Mine Tricks. I believe that my physical conditioning has waned and my fighting skills have... always been sub-par. I would like to fix this by training with you.
JARED: You aren't doing it right.
JOHN: No.
JARED: Come on.
JOHN: Absolutely not.
JARED: I won't train you until you do.
JOHN: You're an ass. You know that, right?
JARED: I'm waiting.
JOHN: (concentrates for a moment and then strikes a very dramatic pose) THIS IS INTOLERABLE WADDELL!
The sudden shouting steals the attention of the pilots away. Andy futilely tries a few more marks then throws his hands up and waits.
JARED: (matching the pose in style) YOU ARE TOO PROUD GENONI! THIS IS BUT ONE MORE LESSON YOU MUST LEARN!
JOHN: (a tree nearby explodes in cherry blossoms as John performs a rather dashing pose; a passing woman swoons) LEARN FROM YOU, THE STUDENT WHO PLAYS MASTER?! I'VE LEARNED MORE MARTIAL ARTS FROM HOLLYWOOD THAN YOU'LL EVER TEACH ME!
JARED: (raises an eyebrow at the "Sakura Rain" pose; suddenly Jared is on a rock as a wave breaks splendidly around him; in the background whales and dolphins breach) AND YET YOU STILL CAME TO ME TO LEARN! YOU HAD FORSAKEN MY TEACHINGS YEARS AGO, WHY DO YOU COME BACK WITH A FORKED TONGUE?!
JOHN: (normal stance) Are we about done?
JARED: (normal stance) One more round, please?
JOHN: Fine. (whirls dramatically and suddenly has Mount Fuji crowned by a setting sun behind him) YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHY I LEFT THOSE YEARS PAST, WADDELL. I WILL NOT BEG ANY LONGER! YEA OR NAY! WILL YOU TEACH ME? WHAT SAY YOU?!
JARED: (the night sky rolls overhead and the full moon shines a pillar of light down through the clouds illuminating Jared's angst-filled pose; a passing flock of school girls faint) No.
JOHN: "No"? NO?! You waste a "Moonlight Serenade" on "NO"?!
JARED: What else was going to trump "Sunset on the Mountain"?
JOHN: No, the pose was excellent. Well executed.
JARED: Thank you.
JOHN: Wait, NO?! Why the hell not?!
JARED: (glances back at the audience they've gathered) You know why.
JOHN: I didn't come here for martial arts, I came for some exercise.
JARED: Join a club.
JOHN: This is pilot training, I'm a pilot.
JARED: Then use the training room.
JOHN: I can order you to train me.
JARED: Do you really want to go down that path?
JOHN: Fine, you won't train me. I'll put the entire Command staff under you for hand-to-hand instruction.
JARED: Who are you trying to punish here?
JOHN: Jerk.
JARED: Ass.
The pair glare at each other for another minute. John finally takes a step back and leaves the clearing, picking up his bag on the way.
JARED: (returning) Why are they standing around?
ANDY: You make too much noise.
SHINJI: What was that all about?
JARED: (ignores the pilot) Start from the beginning, three more times.

INT.  A RANDOM HALLWAY IN NERV - LATER
John's muttering has lead to wandering. When his brain and feet catch up with each other he doesn't immediately recognize anything. Mostly because almost all of NERV's hallways look alike, but nevertheless, it doesn't do to have a Commander lost in his own base. A quick check on his Mini-MAGI tells him his location and that Doctor Akagi is nearby.
John walks up to the door of the small room but pauses. He knocks instead.
After a moment, the door opens.
RITSUKO: (leaning against the door frame, lazily looking at John) You're late. Come in.
JOHN: ( o_O;) Okay...

INT. AKAGI'S MEDITATION CHAMBER - MOMENTS LATER
The room is roughly a thirty foot square, furnished with only a small rug and two cushions on the floor. Ritsuko makes a small gesture as she returns to the furthest seat. The door closes and locks itself. The lights dim and faint blue lines on the walls begin to glow. John can't identify the graceful arcs and curves as any pattern, but finds the entire effect rather calming.
RITSUKO: So you've found my meditation room, finally. I was expecting you sooner, but I suppose given your nature I should be satisfied you even made it here at all.
JOHN: (unslinging his bag and sitting on the other pad) Did I not get today's script?
RITSUKO: You are here to ask a question. I am here to answer it. I know what you are going to ask and I know what I will say in reply.
JOHN: Is this my question?
RITSUKO: No.
JOHN: What is my question?
RITSUKO: That would defeat the purpose of you asking it.
JOHN: You're being very zen, and it's a little weird.
RITSUKO: (wanting to move this along) Where were you earlier?
JOHN: My office.
RITSUKO: After that?
JOHN: Bathroom.
RITSUKO: (annoyed) After that?
JOHN: (cautiously) The forest?
RITSUKO: Why?
JOHN: I needed the exercise. I thought Jared wouldn't mind another body to order around.
RITSUKO: He turned you down then?
JOHN: Yeah, for reasons I won't go into.
RITSUKO: Then you came here.
JOHN: Yeah.
RITSUKO: Why?
JOHN: I got lost.
RITSUKO: Did you?
JOHN: Um... No? So if I didn't get lost, then how did I get here?
RITSUKO: You tell me.
JOHN: This is getting weird, Rit-chan.
RITSUKO: Stop calling me that.
JOHN: Well, we're just going to drift around here unless one of use gets to the point.
RITSUKO: Certain customs must be maintained. I think you weren't after Jared for just exercise.
JOHN: Well, maybe a little training. (quickly) But just a touch up along with the pilots, not real training.
RITSUKO: Do you still desire instruction? Is that what led you here?
JOHN: But you're not--I mean...
Ritsuko raises an eyebrow provocatively.
JOHN: Would you?
RITSUKO: Hmm?
JOHN: Teach me about becoming a Jedi and using the Force. (Adding) Please?
RITSUKO: (exhaling) Finally! It's like herding cats with you sometimes.
JOHN: Was that what your vision told you to say?
RITSUKO: No, smart-ass, my response is to ask you if I really need to.
JOHN: Yes?
RITSUKO: Well, consider this, there are two major schools of thought regarding training apprentices. That is a discussion for another day, but of relevance is they both share a series of trials. The Trial of Skill, of Flesh, of Courage, of Spirit, of Lore, and then the obvious.
JOHN: Trial of the Obvious?
RITSUKO: Constructing your lightsaber.
JOHN: Ah.
RITSUKO: The Trial of Skill is traditionally a lightsaber duel to test your swordsmanship. We have dueled and you were quite skillful.
JOHN: No one really won though.
RITSUKO: That's not relevant. The Trial of Flesh tests the Jedi's ability to cope with loss and their ability to emotionally detach themselves. The loss of a family member, a teacher, or in the less common but no-less-traumatic loss of limb. I have your right hand in a jar under my desk from the very same duel, I'd say you're coping with that loss fairly well.
John's right hand twitched.
RITSUKO: The Test of Courage is just that. You're an Eva pilot, so examples of courage are abundant, but I think your courage was best exhibited during the Thirteenth Angel battle when you charged the Angel alone to buy recovery time for the rest of the pilots.
JOHN: It's weird getting praise from you.
RITSUKO: (ignoring the comment) The Trial of Spirit is hardest for most padawans because it requires looking deep within to discover ones true nature. (considers her next words) Recent events, last month, lead me to believe that you have undergone such a Trial and thus I pass you for that.
JOHN: What happened a month ago? Things are kind of fuzzy about that time.
RITSUKO: Never mind that. Now, this last Trial is something of a touchy spot.
JOHN: The Trial of Lore?
RITSUKO: It revolves around a dogmatic, quasi-religious mantra of bullshit that both Schools call their Code. Padawans are drilled on it and its supposed meaning until they start mumbling it in their sleep. Their lists of idealistic hypocrisy--
JOHN: I'm sensing hostility.
RITSUKO: (takes a deep breath with admirable results) Sorry. Anyway, instead of being quizzed on useless phrases, I thought I'd explain to you the true nature of the Force.
JOHN: You mean midiclorians?
RITSUKO: (scoffs) Midiclorians are a symptom, not a cause. Most padawans aren't even told about them these days, just who taught you any way?
JOHN: I'll tell you later.
RITSUKO: Hmmph, (enters Lecture Mode) all life generates bioelectric energy. From the smallest bacteria to the largest tree. Midiclorians just happen to be extremely productive. There are certain genetic traits and spontaneous mutations that encourage midiclorian colonization. The amount of energy produced radiates into the atmosphere flooding the world with it. It becomes a kind of secret medium that those not sensitive to it cannot detect. Those that are capable of tapping into this pool are connected to everything else within.
JOHN: What about non-living things? Rocks and cars and bullets?
RITSUKO: The Force penetrates and flows through everything. It is after all, energy.
JOHN: What about ki?
RITSUKO: Ki is both like and not like the Force. While bioelectric in base, it is of a completely different nature.
JOHN: Like ultraviolet and infrared?
RITSUKO: No, that would imply that Force and Ki are at opposite ends of the same spectrum. There have been martial artists mistaken for Jedi and vice versa, this is irrelevant though. With training and imagination, Jedi learn to manipulate the Force, such as moving objects, electrically charging the air, manipulating another's thinking, predicting the next few moves in combat or even the next few months.
JOHN: Sounds pretty standard. What's the Dark Side then?
RITSUKO: Well, if you really want to split an unlimited energy by Light and Dark, then I'd have to say that the Light Side is the Energy of Life and the so-called Dark Side is the Energy of Death. But separating it out is pointless. If I gave you a coin, would it matter whether it was heads or tails?
JOHN: It would if one side of the coin made my skin rot.
RITSUKO: The Force is the Force.
JOHN: Of course, of course.
RITSUKO: Shut up. No more interruptions.
JOHN: (grins) Okay.
RITSUKO: Yes, there is a corrupting side of the Force that seems to feed on strong negative emotions. But it has its uses just like the Light Side. For example, the Light Side will guide your blade to defend, but it is the Dark Side that guides it to attack. Those that would deny the so-called Dark Side are just as foolish as those that give themselves to it.
JOHN: I think I understand.
RITSUKO: Good, speaking of blades, where is your lightsaber?
John unzips the duffel bag and draws out the blue-crystal lightsaber he had stolen from a JSSDF padawan named Hiroshi, then used to ruthlessly fight his way out of the facility imprisoning him.
Ritsuko holds out her hand. John hands her Hiroshi's lightsaber.
RITSUKO: This isn't yours.
JOHN: It might as well be. Hiroshi won't be needing it.
RITSUKO: Who is Hiroshi?
JOHN: (correcting) Was.
RITSUKO: This is not acceptable. Return when you have constructed a new lightsaber and I will consider further training.
The door opens with another gesture. Ritsuko stands.
JOHN: (also standing) That's it?
RITSUKO: You can't continue until you've accomplished this.
JOHN: Can I at least have that one back?
RITSUKO: No.
JOHN: So then how--
RITSUKO: I would suggest you find someone with the proper knowledge and skills to help. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to run diagnostics in the cages.
Ritsuko leaves John in the hallway.
JOHN: Proper knowledge, huh?

INT.  THE LAIR OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! A.K.A. THE GOONS' OFFICE - LATER
Andy is sitting at his desk folding more origami robots. Neither of them have bothered to clean up the office since Andy's paper Gunbuster self-detonated. And since the janitorial teams were afraid of coming near the door, it was still a horrible mess.
John has changed into his regular dark hi-tops, slacks, and polo shirt; entering his former office without knocking.
JOHN: Andy, I need--
ANDY: You get nothing.
JOHN: But.
ANDY: NOTHING!
JOHN: (quickly) Two grand says you can't draw premium all-inclusive lightsaber plans!
ANDY: Two-thousand?
JOHN: Yeah.
ANDY: Single or double-bladed?
JOHN: Single, standard-size.
ANDY: HA! Easy money!
Andy swats his paper mecha army off his desk, spreads out a blue sheet of drafting paper, selects a pencil, turns up a boombox with AC/DC's Thunderstruck playing and furiously assaults the paper.
Five songs later, Andy crosses his arms looking back at the paper, then nods to himself.
ANDY: I say again, HA!
JOHN: (leaning over to the plans) Very impressive. (takes the plans, leaves a 2000 yen bill) Take you.
ANDY: Hey!
JOHN: Something wrong?
ANDY: The deal was two grand!
JOHN: Yes, two thousand yen.
ANDY: Y-yen?! DAMN YOU, GENONI!
Andy makes to stand up, slips on a folded Heavy Arms and collides with his desk.
JOHN: (saluting with the rolled up plans as he leaves) Clean up the office first, then we'll talk.

INT.  NERV CAFETERIA - LATER
John stares blankly at the seemingly random lines, numbers, symbols, and letters of Andy's lightsaber plans.

INT.  NERV CAFETERIA - AN HOUR LATER
John is still staring blankly at the lightsaber plans.
JOHN: Grrr...

INT.  CONTROL ROOM FOR THE EVA CAGES – SAME TIME
Ritsuko paces in front of a terminal as technical readouts scroll up. But her eyes aren't on the screen, but instead the door.
RITSUKO: Baka.

INT.  MACHINE SHOP IN NERV - LATER
Jared is putting the finishing touches on a disk of some kind. John enters with three small books tucked under his arm.
JOHN: I'll cut right to the chase, I can't read these schematics, I need your help to translate these into layman English and in manufacturing the parts described. Agree to do so and you shall have these just-released editions.
JARED: (skimming the titles) I have those.
JOHN: How--never mind. (flings the books away) I have contact information for a girl in Supplies; she is insatiably curious and is willing to try anything at least once.
JARED: Momo?
JOHN: < -_- > Haruhi.
JARED: ...
JOHN: Well?
JARED: Deal.

INT.  MACHINE SHOP - THREE HOURS LATER, SUNSET
John is hunched over a table with a half assembled metal tube in front of him. Jared is leaning against one of the larger machines in the room idly watching John assemble the lightsaber.
JOHN: Crap.
JARED: Hmm?
JOHN: Andy forgot the battery.
JARED: No, it goes right there, that marble-sized space.
JOHN: What the--how the hell am I supposed to make an S2 core without my Shadow?
JARED: (coughs into his hand) Well, uh, see... (walks over and sets a small red marble down near John's parts) There ya go.
JOHN: Where did this come from?
JARED: Andy and I were going to mod the engine of a fishing boat to go faster, we were going to use the S2 core as a power source.
JOHN: ... Never mind. (the S2 core fits into the socket perfectly) I just hope it can handle the output; these things grow to meet their requirements.
JARED: (inspecting the near-complete lightsaber) Looks good.
JOHN: Thank you. (hands Jared a card with Haruhi's contact information) Yeah now I just need to... Fuck.
JARED: Yeah, me too. I think I'm gonna go now.
John is staring at the empty socket where the lightsaber crystal is supposed to go.

INT.  CONTROL ROOM FOR THE EVA CAGES - MOMENTS LATER
Ritsuko is sitting upside down in the chair staring at the inverted door.
RITSUKO: (repeating to herself) There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no emotion, there is peace.

INT.  TOKYO-3 - JEWELRY STORE - EVENING
A golden-blonde woman with defiant sapphire eyes enters a jewelry store. Roughly five-seven, she wears a crisp JSDF officer's uniform with nothing on the lapels and a white rose pinned to her modest chest. She immediately notices John hunched over a display case of rather large gems. The owner, an elder balding man named Togusa, nods politely to the woman but remains focused on the gem case.
JOHN: I don't know. I keep picturing melting and exploding and then lots of pain.
TOGUSA: Mmm, yes, unfortunately the crystals you seek are extremely rare. As I understand it, all but the lowest quality are tightly regulated by the Council. And while they make excellent gemstones, for your purposes, we return to the exploding and pain.
John closes the case. Togusa returns it to a safe.
TOGUSA: Will there be anything else, Sir?
JOHN: Naw, I just need to think about this a bit more.
TOGUSA: Very good, Sir. (turning) Yes, Young Lady, thank you for being so patient.
WOMAN: (keeping an eye on John) Not at all, I need to get this ring resized.
The woman draws a silver ring from her pocket. We catch a glint of ruby but not its shape. Togusa inspects the ring carefully, then nods knowingly and starts skimming his drawer for a sizing tool.
JOHN: (snaps his fingers) Buttercup!
WOMAN: (eyes narrow) Daisy, Daisy King. Lieutenant King to you.
JOHN: Then that would be Commander Genoni to you. Or, we can both admit we're not working right now and I'll be John.
DAISY: I know who you are, Genoni.
JOHN: Then you have the advantage.
DAISY: Something I intend to keep.
JOHN: Harsh.
Togusa ignores them and finds a collection of rings, quietly sizes Daisy and retreats to the back of his shop.
JOHN: So what is it you do for your Master?
DAISY: That's not for me to tell you.
JOHN: I'm her boss.
DAISY: So?
JOHN: Then may I ask what it is you do?
DAISY: I don't start sharing my past and secrets with everyone I meet, Mister Genoni. This isn't Naruto.
BURN!
JOHN: We can trade.
DAISY: (flatly) Trade.
JOHN: Yeah, for example, the strongest martial art I know is based on fruit.
DAISY: Then what I've heard about your skills has been grossly overstated.
ZING! Ha ha!
JOHN: I assure you, it is very effective.
DAISY: ... (quietly considers) I am never short on weapons.
JOHN: Interesting. But (cocks his head running his eyes up and down the woman's body) unless you've done some creative and time consuming things, I can tell you right now that you aren't armed.
DAISY: I don't carry my weapons on me.
JOHN: I noticed you said "on."
Daisy sighed. She arched her back until her chest was facing straight up. A column of light sprang from her heart and out popped a jeweled hilt. Daisy grasped the handle and finished drawing the rapier from her chest. In an instant, the long gleaming blade was an inch from John's throat.
JOHN: Excellent form, very nice blade. (an "idea" occurs) An idea has occurred to me.
DAISY: I highly doubt that.
JOHN: Can you pull those out of other people?
DAISY: It wouldn't be terribly useful if I couldn't.
JOHN: Can you pull out mine?
DAISY: Now why would I do a thing like that?
JOHN: Because it will make me feel uncomfortable.
DAISY: Fair enough.
As calmly as putting a box of cereal back in the cupboard, Daisy thrusts her own sword back into her heart. She steps up to John and starts to lean him back.
JOHN: Are most of them so decorated?
DAISY: Usually. I should warn you, most people pass out when I try this until I put the blade back.
JOHN: We'll see.
Daisy finished leaning John back and puts her hand over John's heart. His body shudders for a second before a darkness billows out. From that cloud, a corrupt and twisted hilt bursts forth. John tilts his head forward and spies a black crystal on the end of the hilt. Seizing the handle with one hand, he grabs the stone and pries it off. Daisy gives out a shout of protest.
JOHN: You can put it back now.
She presses the hilt back into John's chest.
DAISY: Of all the idiotic, mind-numbingly stupid--do you have any idea what kind of damage you could have just done to yourself?!
JOHN: I'll live. (begins eying the black gem in the shops lighting) I'm stubborn like that.
Togusa reemerges with Daisy's ring.
TOGUSA: Is everything alright? I heard shouting.
JOHN: Just a disagreement, nothing serious.
TOGUSA: Here you go, young lady. Good as new.
DAISY: Thank you, what's that going to come to?
JOHN: I'll cover it.
Both Togusa and Daisy stare at John.
DAISY: What? Don't be ridiculous.
JOHN: I'm serious.
DAISY: I'm not going to owe you!
JOHN: It is I who owe you, Miss King. Now get out of here.
DAISY: (raises a finger to protest, then sighs) Fine, we're even.
John smiles and waits for her to leave the shop.
JOHN: (showing Togusa the gem) Will this work?
TOGUSA: A black crystal? (fits a loupe into his eye) Hmmm, interesting... Well, you'd have to get it cut properly, but yes, I'd say it should function just fine.
John unfolds Andy's schematics and refolds to show Togusa the area relevant to the crystal.
JOHN: How good are you?
TOGUSA: My boy, you insult me to even ask. (chuckles) Let me lock up the shop and in one hour I promise you will not be disappointed.
JOHN: (bowing) Arigato, Togusa-san.

INT.  CONTROL ROOM FOR THE EVA CAGES - MUCH LATER
Ritsuko is leaning against the wall; she yawns and returns to grumbling.
RITSUKO: Darth Oblivious, that's what I'll call him when he succumbs to the Dark Side. Baka.

EXT.  THE GOBI DESERT - MIDNIGHT
Blasted and hollowed out shells of giant scorpions litter around an enormous crater. Though the sands have done an admirable job in reclaiming the site, evidence of Andy and Jared's landscaping contribution is still all too obvious. John floats over the site, staring through opaque lenses at the ground. He loops around taking a moment to enjoy the freedom of flight before landing.
On the ground and in the darkness, John finishes construction of his lightsaber, locking the crystal into place before sealing up the casing. He pulls out a small plastic bag containing the shards left over from the cutting. His hand turns ink-black and the bag and shards are absorbed into his body. As an after-thought the bag re-emerges, now full of small red marbles glowing slightly in the dark starry sky.
John pockets the bag and stares at the lightsaber's thumb-switch. Holding the lightsaber at arm's length, he gently caresses the button, then firmly squeezes until a faint click escapes.
Xcheeshummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
John squints an eye open, then blinks both.
JOHN: Ha!
With the stars in the sky and the brighter side of the moon shining down, there was plenty of light to be had on the desert surface. But the meter-long beam of plasma has very little to contribute. The "blade" of the heartsaber has a black core with a violet halo, reminiscent of John's own ki aura.
John takes a few practice swings with his darksaber, then skims through a half-remembered sword kata. Satisfied, he holsters the soulsaber and puts two fingers to his forehead, instantly transmitting to a hovercraft holding outside of Chinese airspace. Suddenly an extra passenger heavy, it turns and heads back to NERV.

INT.  CONTROL ROOM FOR THE EVA CAGES - THE UNGODLY HOUR
Ritsuko is slumped over the console, which itself has shut down having long since completed its diagnostic session. The door softly slides open allowing John in. John deactivates the holographic map used to find Ritsuko, and quietly approaches.
JOHN: (nudging Ritsuko's shoulder, whispering) Rit-chan?
RITSUKO: (stirring) Mrrmm, huh?
JOHN: Come on, I'll take you home.
RITSUKO: (yawns and stretches) Oh, I must have-- (instantly on her feet) YOU!
Ritsuko thrusts her palm at John, Forcing him into the wall. Hardly a second later, her chair is flying through the air at his head. John manages to point at the chair and duck, changing its course even as he hears the unmistakable sound of a freshly activated lightsaber.
Ritsuko's scarlet blade descends. But is stopped by the dark beam of John's freshly "lit" soulsaber.
Ritsuko stares at the darksaber in shock and a little fear.
JOHN: I thought you said I passed the Trial of Skill already.
RITSUKO: What is that?
JOHN: It's my (pauses) Goonsaber.
RITSUKO: Goonsaber?
JOHN: Well it's hardly light. But since it's Andy's plans, Jared's machining, and my soul-gem, I figured I should share credit.
RITSUKO: Soul-gem?
JOHN: Miss King helped acquire it so I should thank you for hiring her.
RITSUKO: (backing away slowly) King... Soul-gem... You mean you... How is that even possible? (deactivates her lightsaber)
JOHN: So, (deactivating the Goonsaber) do I pass inspection? It clearly functions.
RITSUKO: You unbelievably dense man! You were supposed to come to me to make your saber!
JOHN: ... ( O_o ) What?
Now the yelling starts.
RITSUKO: ( #-_- ) I said someone with proper knowledge! I told you where I was going to be waiting! I've been here for eight hours, you jerk! You're the worst!
JOHN: What does that even mean?! Don't try to blame me for not playing your Complicated Female Japanese Jedi Head Games! That's like five layers of subtlety there! No man could have figured it out! You should have just told me!
RITSUKO: You're supposed to ask for help! You're supposed to assemble it under observation!
JOHN: So with all I went through, this thing doesn't even count?! Where was I supposed to get the parts, or the crystal?!
RITSUKO: From me!
JOHN: You?!
RITSUKO: What kind of Jedi would I be if I didn't have spare parts?! I spent three days making your goddamn crystal, you ingrate!
JOHN: Why?
RITSUKO: Because I knew you'd ask for training! It was in the vision, the first clear one I've been able to have since you turned my damn world upside down!
JOHN: Excuse me for existing! Do you think I like being like this? I can barely touch you when the ki disruptor's off and when it's on people are trying to kill me! (frustrated) YERARGH!
John makes a sudden beckoning gesture. Ritsuko is jerked towards him, as if lassoed by a hidden rope, and stumbles into his arms. John passionately kisses her, then lets her back to her feet.
RITSUKO: (glaring) I hate you.
JOHN: (tired) I know.
RITSUKO: (scoffs) And kissing your teacher is frowned upon.
JOHN: Jedi do a lot of frowning, I notice.
RITSUKO: Why did you drop out anyway?
JOHN: Huh?
RITSUKO: Basic Jedi. Why did you not continue your training?
JOHN: Oh, that. Well I started late in my school career, so there was the matter of time. And I didn't like the midget that weighed more per-volume than uranium riding piggy-back all day long.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - A STREET SOMEWHERE - DAY
John running away from a torch-wielding mob of women with an old shriveled man blowing kisses at them from a raggedy backpack.

INT.  CONTROL ROOM FOR THE EVA CAGES - PRESENT TIME
RITSUKO: So the training was too tough for you? That's why you quit?
JOHN: Not at all. I just detested my Master as a person, I respected that he was a very powerful Jedi and despite his many faults a clever teacher. It's just that he was riding in an old backpack and the straps finally gave way during a stunt...

EXT.  FLASHBACK - SIDE OF A TALL BUILDING - DAY
Cliffhanger-style image of the Jedi clawing at the air as he falls into the mob. John reaches for him from the side of a building he's climbing.

INT.  CONTROL ROOM FOR THE EVA CAGES - PRESENT TIME
JOHN: I don't think the school ever found him. So I felt I had learned enough for now and should quietly move on.
RITSUKO: (kneels down on the ground) Sit.
John does so across from her. Ritsuko makes a gesture and a briefcase slides across the floor in front of them.
RITSUKO: Everything you need to make the lightsaber you'll be using is in here.
The case opens. Between two foam pads are about thirty components. And under a small foam hatch is a violet crystal the color of John's eyes.
RITSUKO: I'll give you thirty minutes, after that I'm going to bed.
John raises an eyebrow inquisitively.
RITSUKO: Certainly not if you're still here putting it together.
John reaches for the parts. Ritsuko clears her throat. John reaches again, Ritsuko frowns. John boggles. Ritsuko sighs and checks her watch. John takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. One by one, the pieces lift up out of the case and click together. Ritsuko smiles and nods.
JOHN: Why are you nodding while my eyes are closed?
RITSUKO: Shush. You should be concentrating.
A few more pieces click together.
JOHN: So I noticed you aren't really Jedi or Sith.
RITSUKO: Where did you hear that term?
JOHN: My old teacher.
RITSUKO: Your previous teacher used a lot of old terminology.
JOHN: You'd prefer Dark Jedi?
RITSUKO: I prefer to view it as two schools of Jedi. If you carry a lightsaber and can move objects without touching them, people are going to call you a Jedi. Just because A-ko holds to a rigid hypocritical code, and B-ko is a power hungry moron doesn't mean that both still aren't Jedi. Calling B-ko something else is just a way to bracket the problem, not solve it.
Let's all take a moment to picture a red-haired girl in white robes with a blue lightsaber, back-to-back with a blue-haired girl in black robes with a red lightsaber. Got it out of your system? Good. And where's the fan art, people?!
JOHN: So then what happened?
RITSUKO: Do you really want to hear about the past?
JOHN: Absolutely.
RITSUKO: It was a long time coming but Second Impact catalyzed it like so many other things. World War Three broke out, Japan got nuked--
JOHN: Again.
RITSUKO: (frowning) Do you want to hear this or not?
JOHN: Sorry.
RITSUKO: The Jedi Council wanted to stand by century-old policies to not get involved in the wars of nations. They felt their duty was to upholding justice, remain keepers of the peace, and not become soldiers. But eventually too many cities got bombed and too many younger Jedi got impatient and decided to valiantly serve their countries. On the fronts with land wars, Jedi ultimately ended up fighting Jedi. The Council found out and banished them for disobeying orders, then went one step further and after the Treaty of Valentine decided to have them arrested and tried. Still with me?
JOHN: Yes.
RITSUKO: (sighing at the memory) My Master chose not to fight in the war, and the Council applauded her patience and loyalty. But when the Council ordered for the arrest of the rogue Jedi, she refused. Since those pompous fuckers couldn't have a calm voice of reason in their midst, they exiled her as well then sent to have her arrested.

INT.  FLASHBACK - SPARTAN ROOM - NIGHT
A tall blonde woman with sad eyes hands a younger Ritsuko--still with her natural hair color--her lightsaber with a small cat charm hanging from it. Tearfully, Ritsuko protests as her Master ushers her out of her quarters. The woman whispers final instructions and cautions to her student, then closes the door.

INT.  CONTROL ROOM FOR THE EVA CAGES - PRESENT TIME
RITSUKO: They killed her, lying that she had resisted arrest. The Rogue Jedi tried to make her murder into a rallying cry and sought to overthrow the Council. The level-headed Jedi quietly laid low. I respected my Master's example and remained neutral in the Jedi Civil War, doing what I could to help rebuild, going to college, following my mother's footsteps working on the MAGI and Gehirn.
JOHN: Neither side came after you?
RITSUKO: The rogues wanted me to be their poster girl, I turned them down. The Council simply assumed that I would seek revenge. Both sides decided I was their enemy. I ensured that was their last mistake. When the dust finally settled, I collapsed the Council chambers and carved my Master's name into the door. Last I heard, a new Council was created, but they at least seem to be reasonable.
JOHN: Thank you for sharing that.
RITSUKO: Pheh.
JOHN: So you just dropped off their radar?
RITSUKO: I still get the newsletters, but we pretty much have an understanding.
JOHN: I'm still trying to comprehend you taking on a room full of Jedi Masters and coming out unscathed.

EXT.  FLASHBACK - DENSE FOREST SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE - DAY
Young Ritsuko, now with her hair dyed blonde, stands next to a canister the size of a Volkswagen Bus, on the side is labeled "N2". She points at a spire sticking out of the forest a good mile away. The bomb lifts up and flings itself at the tower.

INT.  CONTROL ROOM FOR THE EVA CAGES - PRESENT TIME
RITSUKO: What can I say? I'm a prodigy.
JOHN: (smirking) Speaking of skill...
The last piece screws in and John grabs the lightsaber out of the air and thumbs the switch. The room is filled with a light violet glow.
RITSUKO: (standing) Well done.
JOHN: Can I have Hiroshi's back now?
RITSUKO: (drawing the handle from her lab coat) What do you need three lightsabers for? Watch too much "One Piece"?
JOHN: Call me a sentimentalist.

INT.  NERV - GEOFRONT OFFICER'S LOUNGE - EVENING
The Goons are sitting together staring at the television, but not really paying attention. John's sipping a Vodka Martini, Andy and Jared have Mountain Dew Margaritas*, rocks and blended respectively.
*See Author's Notes
Andy finishes his drink and starts chewing on the ice.
JARED: You know what they say about guys who chew ice?
JOHN: Don't start.
Andy blinks and slams his glass down.
ANDY: I just figured out Eva!
JOHN: ...
JARED: ...
ANDY: What?
JOHN: Nothing, I'm just shocked that you could figure anything out, much less the tapestry of subtlety and symbolism that is Eva.
JARED: I was thinking about dinner.
ANDY: ...
JOHN: ...
JARED: (shrugging) It's getting late.
ANDY: Well?
JARED: I'm thinking Thai.
ANDY: No! Don't you want to hear it?!
JOHN: (setting down his Martini) Proceed.
ANDY: In Japanese giant robot anime, there are certain archetypes regarding the star pilots. For example, the hotshot, the stoic soldier, and the rookie among others. What's the Hotshot like? He's a foreigner, usually American, with red hair to match his fiery personality and short temper, all he has is his ego and his skills and a threat to either causes him to crumble.
JARED: Wait, this is sounding familiar.
ANDY: The Stoic Soldier silently follows orders even if it will kill him. He is withdrawn from the rest of the group and rarely interacts with anyone. And the Rookie, she--
JOHN: She?
ANDY: Think Noriko Takaya from Gunbuster, trained to be a robot pilot to follow in her heroic father's footsteps. The Rookie is most commonly a female because it sets her apart from her predominantly male squad mates; this isolates her and makes for good drama. The Rookie is shy and withdrawn, but not like the Stoic Soldier, instead the Rookie is most often afraid of this violent world she is thrust into.
JOHN: Are you trying to say--
ANDY: Take those standard pilot types and switch genders. BAM! Evangelion.
JOHN: ...
JARED: Mmm… Chinese…
JOHN: Oh. My. God. IT ALL MAKES SENSE!
JARED: Wait, Asuka is a man?
WHAM!
JOHN: (thrusting his fist into the air) Anno, you slick son of a bitch! You magnificent bastard!
JARED: (coming around) Ungh, Dudes I just had the most twisted dream. We were girls and--
WHAM!
JOHN: Keep me out of your twisted fantasies, Jared.
Hey Reader...(s)! Stay tuned for yet another Never Generated Goonvangelion Omake: Neon Gender Evangelion!
RITSUKO: (walking up and sitting next to John) What are you fools yelling about now?
ANDY: (before anyone can stop him) Imagine if Shinji was a girl and Asuka and Rei were guys.
RITSUKO: Do I have to?
MISATO: (sitting down next to Ritsuko, already primed for booze) Oh my God! They would so totally be stereotypical robot anime characters!
ANDY: I know!
RITSUKO: How many times must I remind you children that this is not an anime?
Several more, it's kind of a running gag now.
Ritsuko glares at the ceiling, a ceiling tile implodes upward.
Ouch! What the fuck?!
JOHN: (noticing Misato sitting amicably next to Ritsuko) All better now? Or do we just have to keep you hammered?
MISATO: (blows a raspberry at John) Life is too short and uncertain to hold a grudge. 'sides, Ritsu-puu is working on an optimal way to manage the disruptor.
JOHN: (stifling a laugh) Rit--
RITSUKO: Repeat that and I make you a eunuch.
Misato laughs.
MISATO: It was a cheap shot to mention that one scene though.
JOHN: Scene?
MISATO: Oh you know. In Vengeance of the Fist, when the Hero does that thing that he had to do, but the Sidekick hates him for it. Then an external threat brings them together and they reconcile.
John's eyes widen. Jared's head pops up. Andy taps his chin thoughtfully then nods.
ANDY: Yeah, it is kind of like that.
MISATO: 'xactly.
ANDY: Don't think I forgive you though, Genoni.
JOHN: (wisely ignoring Andy) I need another drink.
JARED: Ditto.
ANDY: Hey, you guys remember when you two got shit-faced at that Halloween party and I recorded it? You were trying to summon the spirit of Bruce Lee and then Ninjas attacked.
JOHN: No, Andy, you know damn well we don't remember what happened.
RITSUKO: (idly) V.O.F. starts with ninjas.
ANDY: Yeah but then that guy showed up--
MISATO: With the sword--
RITSUKO: And those other guys--
ANDY: And then BAM! The house goes down.
MISATO: But they went--
ANDY: To that place--
RITSUKO: And there He was--
MISATO: So they fight--
ANDY: And then the Army shows up--
MISATO: BOOM!
JOHN: Please stop.
RITSUKO: And suddenly--
MISATO: On the train--
JOHN: That was an order.
ANDY: The rooftop fight--
RITSUKO: Oh man that sword fight!
MISATO: --And then the chopper comes and WHOOSH!
ANDY: BOOM! WHEE!
RITSUKO: And he's hanging onto the--
MISATO: He's all RRRRRAAAAAAA!
RITSUKO: And the other guy is WOOOOAAAAAA!
MISATO: Then the, Oh My God!
RITSUKO: I know, it was so hot!
MISATO: Mmm, but then--
RITSUKO: Yeah...
ANDY: But that inspires them to--
MISATO: Of course! And finally--
RITSUKO: Oh man the showdown!
ANDY: Yeah, pure awesome.
Andy orders another drink. Misato and Ritsuko sip theirs for a moment. John and Jared are covering their heads.
Ritsuko is looking at them strangely. Something is about to fall into place.
RITSUKO: (growing pale) Now, wait a minute. You guys... that... but the... and the...
Still staring, Ritsuko's hands begin to shake, spilling her drink on the table. No one notices. Andy is smiling smugly, Misato is looking from Ritsuko to Andy to John and Jared. Ritsuko brings up another hand to steady the drink, which John takes from her fingers with a long-suffering sigh.
JOHN: (looking Jared in the eye) I've got one of those feelings.
JARED: Is it lingerie-thirty already?
JOHN: You can't be that dense.
That something finally does fall into place.
MISATO: (pointing) OH MY GOD!
RITSUKO: (glares at Andy) THAT WAS YOU?!
ANDY: (grins proudly) ...
MISATO: (jumping around and pointing) OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! YOU! You were--and you were--but you--and--it all makes sense!
Let's take a moment to enjoy Misato jumping up and down.
JOHN: (idly) At least it does to some people.
MISATO: (brain still working at twice the speed of speech) Oh my God, I learned... I learned my... (points randomly around the table) from you? I'm gonna be sick...
Misato grabs onto the table to steady herself, and sits down. A waiter arrives with refills for Jared and John, who promptly chug the new drinks.
RITSUKO: (slowly regaining color) I don't believe it... but of course it makes sense. The creators of Vengeance of the Fist haven't been seen in public, ever. But you guys--at least, those graves of yours... that was back when you were--or they... my head fuckin' hurts now. Thanks a lot, jerks.
JOHN: (sighs) It happens.
JARED: Um. You're welcome?
Another round of drinks arrive for John and Jared, who take small sips this time. Andy finishes his Dew Margarita and orders a virgin. Drink, not a female human.
JOHN: So, was Vengeance of the Fist really popular here?
MISATO: (eyes blazing) Are you kidding?! I own five copies! Greatest! Action! Movie! EVER! It's at the top of every 100 listing on earth. Hong Kong has an entire city block devoted to sets from the film.
Jared and John exchange glances.
JOHN: (trying to appear casual) What about knock-offs, imitations?
MISATO: Imitations? Some people, decent people, consider it heresy to even try. There might be more kung fu movies made now because of it... VotF revived a dying genre and established a new dynasty.
JOHN: That's great, Mis-chan, but--
MISATO: OH MY GOD! You guys were in Vengeance of the Fist!
JOHN: --you should go right ahead and do this how ever many times you need to.
MISATO: You've got sign something! (pats herself down) I don't have any paper, (starts trying to unhook her bra through her shirt) who's got a pen?
JOHN: Misato, you don't have to--
JARED: (lecturing tone) Commander, Major Katsuragi is an experienced field operative and respected NERV officer. Let her finish. (takes his drink in hand and gets comfortable) Yeah, baby.
John glares daggers at his friend while Ritsuko restrains the Major.
RITSUKO: We've got hundreds of copies of their signatures! And they aren't going anywhere!
MISATO: But I want something personal!
RITSUKO: Misato, I am your friend, and as your friend, I'm telling you NOT to take off your bra in front of them.
Misato goes limp.
MISATO: Okay. I wasn't... thinking clearly there. Thanks.
Ritsuko lets go of the Major.
JARED: Hot.
WHAM!
JOHN: Aw man, look at that, now there's a dent in my new lead pipe!
Andy hands him a new one.
JOHN: Thanks!
The Goon of Destruction shrugs in response as Ritsuko turns her attention to John. As soon as her eyes are off of Misato, the Major's hands go up her own skirt.
JARED: (salivating and watching through a pair of enormous binoculars) That's it... no-one's looking...
WHAM! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
JOHN: Aww man...
Andy hands over another pipe.
JOHN: Thanks. Wait, how many of these do you have?
Andy shrugs. Ritsuko finally convinces Misato that her undergarments do not need to be signed by the Goons. Yet.
JOHN: Here. (tears the sleeve off Jared's shirt)
JARED: (sleepily; does not rise from the table) Sorry Mitsumi... I've only got two hands...
John and Andy quickly sign the cloth, then John hits Jared over the head with his new pipe again, waking the Goon. Pen shoved into his hand, Jared signs the cloth, adds a two paragraph post-script and a smiley face, then hands it to the waiter with a silly grin. Misato snags the signed sleeve before it leaves.
RITSUKO: Jesus. I hope we're done with that gag.
A ceiling tile... does nothing but look rather nice.
RITSUKO: (to no-one in particular) Nice save.
Thanks. Anyway, Ritsuko looks around the restaurant.
RITSUKO: I thought Kaji was supposed to be here by now.
MISATO: (quietly reading Jared's post-script) --one technique, under guns, with ammunition and explosives for all--
JOHN: (surprised) Is he? My records indicate he had an assignment in Osaka. He should be several hundred miles away right now.
JARED: Kaji? Kaji's a ninja. He can go and come as he pleases.
KAJI: (walking up the table from nowhere) My ears are burning...
JARED: (smug) Toldja.
MISATO: (bouncing happily out of her seat and almost out of her dress) Kaji! Yay! Gimmie a kiss!
After the greeting is done and Andy stops humming and uncovers his ears.
RITSUKO: Kaji. These three... have revealed something most interesting.
JOHN: Revealed? Excuse me, but no-one told us that Vengeance of the Fist made it to this world.
KAJI: That's preposterous. Everyone's heard about Vengeance of the Fist. Everyone's seen it at least twenty times.
MISATO: (raising a hand) Two hundred and fifty-five! (a waiter appears) Oh, nice. Bring us beer!
KAJI: Two, please. (after the waiter disappears into the background) So, I still haven't seen the English version of it. That any good? Have you seen it in Japanese?
JOHN: We haven't--
JARED: How's the dubbing?
KAJI: (winding up) Oh man! The YAYAYAYAYAYAA! And the guy's like--
ANDY: Yeah, and the other guy's like--
RITSUKO: And the students were all--
MISATO: Yeah, and then the thing with the thing!
KAJI: And the WOOOSH!
ANDY: The thing that was--
RITSUKO: So awesome! And then--
MISATO: It was all KABOOM!
Jared and John, staring at the madly grinning quartet before them, finish their drinks. Quickly.
JOHN: (after ordering another round) Kaji, I--well, Jared and I, haven't--
Misato finishes a beer and slams her glass back down on the table.
MISATO: OH MY GOD!
JOHN: (head in hands) Yes, oh my God, help us, please, God...
MISATO: You have to sign something! (notices the sleeve in her hand, shoves it under John's nose) Sign this, please!
JOHN: (to Kaji) Jared and I haven't seen Vengeance of the Fist.
KAJI: Well, you have to watch the Japanese version... mine's on loan right now, but next week we can.
JOHN: (frowns) Jared and I haven't seen Vengeance of the Fist.
RITSUKO: Misato, look! (points at the sleeve)
MISATO: Oh, wow! It's like they're pshychac--phychachic--psychiatric--oh, you know what I mean--or somethin'!
JOHN: (loudly) Jared and I haven't seen Vengeance of the Fist.
KAJI: Man, we should do a movie night at NERV... nah, that'd shut the whole base down. But there's the Vengeance of the Fist festival this year, that might--
JOHN: (stadium volume) I'VE NEVER SEEN IT!!!
All present stare at John as if he just yelled at them in an alien language.
JOHN: I have never seen Vengeance of the Fist! Jared has never seen Vengeance of the Fist! Not one cut! Not one scene! Not one take! Not one freeze-frame! The promotionals are all painted! The standees are painted! The merchandise is always gone before we can get our hands on it! Yes, we were in the movie! We got really smashed, tried to summon Bruce Lee, shit happened, Andy taped it, that's the movie! We were blackout drunk--we don't remember anything! We slept through the reviews! We haven't been able to watch it once since then! We're cursed! Cursed!! (sinks to his knees, clawing at the ceiling, howling) CURSED!!!
John sits down, snapping his fingers to summon another waiter.
JARED: Dude, maybe you should ease off. Order some coffee?
JOHN: You're still lucid, and Andy's driving. (to the waiter) Two more please.
JARED: Are we going to get blackout drunk tonight?
JOHN: Yes. Lord knows I need a break.
JARED: Well, once you've got a reason to party--
JOHN: --Party like you've got a reason.
RITSUKO: Wait. Wait, I'm having a hard time with this. You stumbled into a movie by accident while ridiculously drunk, and not only do you not remember any part of the whole thing, but you still haven't seen it?! Misato's got five copies!
JOHN: We didn't know it came out here until now!
RITSUKO: What the fuck does 'simultaneous worldwide release' mean on your planet?!
JOHN: Not "here!" HERE!
MISATO: (raises her beer) Hear, hear!
JARED: Do you guys want a tie and a motel room or what?
JOHN & RITSUKO: Shut up!
JARED: Well, she's going to leave a stain if--
WHAM!
JOHN: Goddamnit, third one tonight!
Andy hands a spare pipe to John.
JOHN: Thanks. (notices Kaji staring) He's got a hard head.
KAJI: You guys... (points at John) You were Sidekick. (points at Jared) He was Hero. (points at Andy) He was That Other Guy. You guys were in Vengeance of the Fist.
JOHN: (clutching his head) Paaaaiiiinnnn...
Jared reaches for his drink without lifting his head from the table.
JARED: Ditto...
KAJI: (noticing Andy pull a hand-held out and set it on the table) I recognize that--Mucha was the cameraman?!! (to Andy) You've got like, fifty Oscars!
ANDY: A true warrior has no need for such earthly treasures.
KAJI: (in amazement) Jesus H. Christ on a stick.
JOHN: That sounds weird in Japanese.
KAJI: How did you guys do the dubbing?
JOHN: Fuck if I know. Did we do anything about it?
KAJI: All I know is, the film was released worldwide simultaneously. Full dubbing and credits in something like a hundred and seventy languages. The dubbing was so good that no-one could tell what language the film was originally made in.
JOHN: (suspicious look at Andy) Heh. Imagine that.
KAJI: And you haven't seen it. Man, I need to sit down.
JARED: (without looking up) You are sitting down.
KAJI: Oh. I need a drink.
John coughs politely. Kaji starts, realizing he's holding a cold beer, and takes a long pull.
KAJI: You know, I could really use a good woman and a comfortable bed, while I'm at it.
Misato, presently draped over Kaji, snuggles up even closer. John slides a key across the table.
JOHN: NERV will pick up the tab.
Kaji finishes his drink.
KAJI: You're a fine Commander sometimes. Thanks.
JOHN: You're welcome, I think.
Kaji leaves with Misato in tow. John then turns his attention to Ritsuko, who's been staring dumbly at him since the 'fifty Oscars' bit.
JOHN: Want to talk about ties and doorknobs now, Rit-chan?
RITSUKO: (blinks) Vengeance of the Fist made over four billion US dollars over its opening weekend.
John's face suddenly goes blank, his stare mirroring Ritsuko's--the struck-dumb look of someone who's just discovered they've been overlooking the most obvious truth in the world for their entire lives.
JOHN: Opening weekend...
RITSUKO: Yes...
Andy pulls his hands off of his ears, looking from Scientist to Commander.
JARED: (dials into a cell phone) C'mon, pick up...
JOHN: Most merchandised movie in the history of mankind...
RITSUKO: Maybe...
JOHN: It's possible...
JARED: (into phone) Haruhi? Hey, it's me... Well, how many other American NERV employees have this number? ... Drunk? Just a little... Like, five or six... No, I want to come over... and talk... TALK. With words and stuff... I don't see why not, if the fire escape will hold our weight. I've got some straps... Well, safety's a matter of the angle, Haruhi. Look, can I come over, I just need someone tonight... Yeah, thanks. 'K, see you in a few.
JOHN: Another three drinks and he'll be past 'depressed' and demanding we summon Bruce Lee. Then he'll pull a Ouiji board out of nowhere and Bad Things will happen.
RITSUKO: You don't say.
JOHN: I do say.
RITSUKO: Is the alcohol affecting you?
JOHN: Lots, but Jared and I have a pretty high tolerance. He's just feeling it more because of the caffeine and alcohol is a double depressant for hyperactivity. Besides, martinis are for a social buzz, margaritas are to get hammered with.
Both glance at the fancy HD camcorder sitting in front of Andy, as conspicuous as a gun on a poker table.
RITSUKO: Well, what's there to loose?
JOHN: Besides my liver, a few million brain cells, several weeks worth of memories... not much. Maybe my life?
JARED: (looking at John) Hey man, either shit or get off the pot. You know, strike within seven breaths and all that?
Even now, starting to look drunk, John's face is one of schooled features with fear shimmering across its surface like ripples on a pond. Then...
JOHN: Wait a minute, I'm the Sidekick?!
JARED: Dude, which one of us has been throwing kicks since grade school?
JOHN: Still!
JARED: Dude.
JOHN: Fine. We're going to need more drinks. Waiter!
WAITER: Hai!
JOHN: (slipping the waiter a large wad of yen) Send the bar to our table.
WAITER: Yes sir!
JOHN: Ritsuko, no matter what happens over the next three weeks, do NOT turn off the ki disruptor. I don't care what else I say during that time. I don't c are if an Angel attacks or if God Himself comes to Tokyo-3. That's an order, you understand?
RITSUKO: Impossibly... I do.
A short man comes up to the table, pushing a portable bar in front of him.
BARTENDER: Vodka martini, twist of lemon, shaken not stirred.
JOHN: That's me.
BARTENDER: Mountain Dew Margarita, blended.
JARED: Here.
JOHN: (looking at his reflection in his martini) Well, here's to the next great event in cinematography.
JARED: You really think this'll work?
JOHN: Funding NERV with the proceeds from Vengeance of the Fist 2? Fuck if I know, but what else have we got now?
JARED: (downs his drink) Indeed.
JOHN: (does likewise) Indeed.
ANDY: (from behind the active camcorder) Indeed.
RITSUKO: (rises, and gives John a chaste peck on the cheek) Good luck you.
JOHN: (quietly) Thanks. (to the Bartender) Okay, just keep 'em--

INT.  JET AIRPLANE - DAY
A screeching noise startles awake two of the Goons. Andy grumbles but eventually opens his eyes to watch Jared and John frantically try to get their bearings.
JOHN: Where are we?
ANDY: (gazing out the window) Back in Japan.
JOHN: What do you mean "back?"
ANDY: (visibly trying hard not to degenerate into Andy-speak) Well, filming kind of drifted around the world. And the premiere was in New Hong Kong, which reminds me, we got adopted again.
Andy holds up two passports. Since neither can read whatever moonspeak is in season in New Hong Kong, only the pictures allow the Goons to know who was who. Jared's picture is that of a world-weary master who has known the horrors to many wars. John's visage is the kid who has endless confidence in his master. Andy's imposing mug is of the scarred mercenary.
JARED: (still looking around) Again?
ANDY: Well Old Hong Kong was washed away during Second Impact. What are you looking for?
JARED: The stewardess.
ANDY: All five of them are still recovering, even passed out you still managed to renew membership at the mile-high, stratospheric, and mesospheric clubs in order and back again.
JARED: Oh. (leans back smiling) I love low-orbit flights.
JOHN: This is amazing, I think I'm border-line hung over. I may have slept through the worst of it.
John slowly stands and heads to the door. He shakes the hands of the pilot and co-pilot then steps out. One-hundred-thousand people start screaming and cheering.
John's head explodes like an overstuffed Scanners prop.
Or if the author had any sense of mercy it would have. The youngest Goon collapses but manages to crawl back into the plane before passing out.
ANDY: (raises an eyebrow) That was pointless.
JARED: Well, I have no intention of that happening to me. Surely there's a way to get off this plane unnoticed.
ANDY: The luggage? And don't call me "Shirley".
Fuyutsuki leans out of the restroom door.
FUYUTSUKI: I just wanted to say, "Good luck, we're counting on you."
...
ANDY: This is the best our writers can do?
Luggage explodes out of the overhead compartments, burying Andy.
JARED: Quit fooling around and help me stuff John into this carry-on.
Andy crawls out of the pile and looks at the camera bag Jared is trying to fit around John's head.
ANDY: Now who's fooling around? He won't fit in there. Besides, we have larger cases in the luggage compartment.
JARED: You're right, sorry. It just feels like I've been on this plane for months. I'm getting a little claustrophobic.
ANDY: I know the feeling.
*   *   *
It was not precisely accurate to say that Jared fell from the ceiling.
He did fall, that much was true. He did land on the floor, which was the usual terminal point when succumbing to gravity's desires, and he did fall from the vast ceiling with its hundreds of precisely aligned white acoustic tiles mimicking some vast piece of engineering paper.
Jared's point of departure was the lower end of a small brass pole that ended but three inches below the ceiling, and continued to some point beyond the ceiling, without passing through it. Impossible though it may have been, Jared was more concerned with landing on his feet than pondering the impossibility of a metal pole that had just transported him over a hundred miles across land and several thousand meters beneath the earth to exactly where he wanted to be, amazing though that feat may have been.
Even if he had precisely fell from the ceiling (regardless of how improbable that was), the result would have been exactly the same. He landed unerringly on his feet, sketched a brief bow, then stepped precisely two feet to his right to make from the next object to fall from the end of another shiny brass pole.
The second object was massive in the way that very large antique traveling trunks tend to be. This immensity was as unsurprising as the improbability of a brass pole hanging in mid-air, disgorging people and objects like the end of a giant refuse chute was surprising... because the second object was a large antique traveling trunk.
It was clad in dark brown leather; leather so thoroughly worn and beaten that it was black under all but the best lighting. Immense brass hinges that one might imagine looking not out-of-place on a tank and a latch that could secure bank vaults kept the lid tightly in place, even as the trunk slammed into the floor with the grace of a wrecking ball. Balancing through the shockwaves with the agility of a shark, Jared gave the trunk a precise kick somewhere randomly on the side, causing it to tip over. Landing on its side, the trunk did not complain, but that was perfectly normal.
Andy dropped from a spot near--but not on--the ceiling, and landed on the floor as well. For a man that looked about as agile as a semi on a go-cart course, his landing was virtually silent, unlike the 1812 Overture-esque arrival of the traveling trunk.
Andy was a mountain of a man, forearms like tree branches, a chest like armor plating, and legs that could move very, very large boulders. He wore a fine suit that looked like nothing of the sort since men of Andy's dimension are forbidden by natural law to look suave or refined, no matter manners, grace, breeding, or accessories. Andy had none of these in quantity, save accessories in the form of this remarkable suit that looked ordinary on his construction-equipment utilitarian frame. Andy was a purpose-built wrecking machine, a fact too painfully obvious for fashion of any kind to hide.
Jared, by contrast, was the everyman. The ordinary guy who could blend in anywhere with an anonymous face, a lanky build perpetually hidden by his clothes, and mediocre tastes. Hardcore mediocre. The epitome of 'not quite cool.' If there were a contest held on mediocre tastes, Jared would be crowned Champion for All Time. His suit, though as expensive as Andy's, fit him like a rented tux on a pimply teenager. For all that he looked awkward when still, he was a work of art when moving. No movement wasted, he commanded his body with such ease and precision that he left rest of the human race behind. Shamefully, this didn't make the suit look any better on him.
The trunk sat on the floor, as passive as inanimate objects with no operative force or inertia can be. Its years-hardened finish gleamed ominously in the garish white of the office lighting, that sucked all life from the battered leather, leaving behind a cold stretch of colorless mass with less personality than a contract lawyer.
The office had unusually high ceilings, almost eleven feet above the floor, despite nothing else in the entire level having a ceiling over seven feet, due to the massive amounts of piping and ducting running through the crawlspace to service the massive underground facility. The improbably brass poles were now absent, their presence no longer required now that--
"What the fuck?" Jared spoke in puzzlement, bushy brows folding into creases and peaks while his eyes scanned the room from a motionless head, a statue with living optical scanners of--
"What?" Andy postured into the vast workspace, a subtle glance directed at his less-than-impressive comrade in arms. A snort of derision was expelled from his mouth in the same motion, the same breath, an act of scorn flung with abandon at the other Goon since time immemorial. Practice had honed this honest insult from the heart into an animal that lived and breathed of its own accord, wrote its own rules and made decisions about its own fate like--
"GOD DAMN IT!" Jared screamed, hands clawing towards the heavens. "STOP THAT!" He insisted, his voice bouncing harmlessly off of the impressive ceiling that hung above him like the vast hand some nameless god, prepared to strike--
"Dude, I can barely hear myself think over that... that..." Jared trailed off, his limited intellect taxed beyond all ability with the demands of picking out a single word to describe the--
"Narrator?" Andy supplied, quite annoying, and interrupted a perfectly good--
"SHUT! UP!" The Goons cried in unison. Jackets were removed. Sleeves were rolled up. Dark looks cast death threats at every corner of the empty office as the two dunder-headed morons of NERV moved into a fighting formation as if expecting the furniture to gain sentience and demand equal rights from the show-stealing--
"That's enough, now." Jared growled out.
--spot-light hogging--
"Enough!" Andy shouted.
--selfish, arrogant, conceited--
"Shut it!" Jared demanded, though he was in no position to demand anything of the sort. He--
"Get on with the story, damn you!" Andy cried, soundly kicking the trunk in anger. Immediately the threatening growl in his voice was replaced with a bark of pain and a darkly muttered curse as he held his injured foot in his hands, hopping around on the good one like a wounded grasshopper.
Jared quickly bent to inspect the trunk for damage. "I'm hoping maybe the script is in here," he muttered under his breath, before sparing a glance boiling with raw hatred over his shoulder.
In mere seconds the trunk was open, its contents on display for the two undeserving characters in attendance. Golden light played across the faces of the two unforgivable assholes that stood before it with shoulders bent, eyes gleaming, hands grasping air like the claws of hungry vultures.
"Where the fuck is John?" Andy asked suddenly, ruining what should have been a very cool mood and breaking the narrative pattern recklessly.
After a healthy dose of frowning, Jared ventured a thought. Not his brightest move. "Not here. This is my trunk full of gold."
Incredulousness was emanating from Andy in waves, pounding soundly against the rock of stupidity that was Jared Waddell. "You have a trunk full of gold? I thought you put John in this thing. You have a trunk full of gold?" The questions ran together, crashing into one another like out-of-control trucks.
"Of course I have a trunk full of gold," Jared said, asserting the absurd as only a former-ninja/present-pervert could. "And I didn't put John in this trunk, I put him in the identical trunk that I usually cart around empty."
"Why do you have an empty trunk, Waddell?" Andy echoed a question that surely burns in the audience members' minds like hot coals through shoe leather.
"What if I come across more gold? The first one is already full."
Minds boggled at the logic inhabiting Jared's head. And then, just like that, the budget for prose was rescinded.
The Goons stare at one another and the office cautiously.
JARED: (relieved) Damn, I'm sure glad that's over.
ANDY: (also relieved) Amen, brotha. (pause) So, if he's not here, where did John go?
JARED: (shrugging) He's the Commander of NERV still. Maybe. The poles must have sent him to his office.
ANDY: Then why did your trunk of gold come with us here instead of the trunk with John?
JARED: (shrugging again) Quantum Mechanics. We couldn't arrive without the trunk, so the poles just grabbed my gold stash and sent it down here instead. Saves me some trouble, anyway.
ANDY: (not understanding at all) Oooookay. Well, I'm off to work on Unit-04.
JARED: (to Andy, who's halfway into the ceiling duct) Don't you find it sweetly ironic that while our real-world counterparts can't get it together to finish an episode in less than a year, we've managed to secure funding for a military defense outfit using profits from the spawn of our creative energies literally overnight?
Andy shrugs, the motion finally causing several bolts to pull through their supports. The entire duct and most of the ceiling come loose with a string of ominous noises that are almost insults to the ears of Goons. For minutes on end, the cacophony rages as tons of wreckage pile on top of the two youths, quieting only when the office is consumed by a mound of ceiling panels, ducting, pipes, supports, insulation, and the like.
Minutes later, a dusty, bloodied hand pokes out of the debris like a prairie dog checking that the coast is clear. A lone ceiling tile, by SHEER COINCIDENCE, breaks loose and lands on the hand, which retracts as quick as a snake's tongue.
Then the office is silent.
*   *   *
In the office of the Commander of NERV...
All is silent.
For that, John was thankful. Slowly but surely, John was regaining cognitive function as the hangover was fading. The almost sub-harmonic hum of the air conditioning was no longer a screeching failure of metal on greased metal. The controlled breathing of the score of ninjas hiding behind the holograms were ceasing to be an offensive attack on his peace of mind.
JOHN: (eyes squeezed shut) Water.
The crystal "tink" of cold refreshment landing was like a dagger. John winced and clawed at the desk. The gesture brought him no comfort, but it did activate a small defense sub-routine.
The Office exploded in noise and color. Alarms, klaxons, contrasting swirls of red and yellow. A disco ball dropped from the ceiling adding to the mess of light and sound.
John stared at the madness, transcending pain and reaching something more, something never meant for the realm of mortals.
JOHN: (quietly trying to chant the Bene Gessirit motto and cancel the hologram) I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. I will rise above my fear and allow it to pass through me.
The mess vanished leaving John in the bare office again with the ninjas and a small unassuming but cute female technician. John blinks several times and looks around, noting the curious lack of detail provided by the text box.
JOHN: We're back to script already? Damn director (grumbles, trailing off) spending our budget on hookers and beer... (squints at the technician) Yes? (blinks, leans closer) Oh! Hi, N.M. I have a question for you.
TECH #3452: (casually) Die in a fire.
JOHN: Cute. I wanted to ask, what's with the ninjas in my office? I'm about ready to fumigate.
TECH #3452: (condescending) Why Sir, they are here for your protection.
JOHN: From...
TECH #3452: (shrugging coyly) Who knows? The office of the Commander is a very dangerous position. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.
JOHN: ...
TECH #3452: Before I could kill you myself.
JOHN: (sighs) We're back to that? What would Ritsuko think?
TECH #3452: She thinks it's a good idea to keep you under observation.
JOHN: So did my shrink.
TECH #3452: Your life rests on the good graces of my master.
JOHN: Is this some bizarre way Japanese women hint that I should send chocolates?
TECH #3452: Good bye, Commander. I look forward to killing you soon.
Slam-dunk! We're done here, folks. Pack it up! ... What? We're not? We have to finish this thing? Jesus, this is going to the longest fanfic chapter on record at this rate! JERKS!

INT.  PILOT TRAINING ROOM #2 - ONE HOUR LATER
BOOM!
John storms into the pilot training area with a fire extinguisher. Andy is on his back in the middle of the scorched mat. John puts out the few fires with the extinguisher then throws it at Andy's head. It cracks, springs a leak and starts rocketing around the room haphazardly for a minute before finally coming to a rest in the corner. John dusts himself off and readies a good hard glare.
JOHN: (shouting) I am this close (holds up two fingers barely a centimeter apart) to shipping you off to where this asinine hobby of yours will at least be productive for someone!
ANDY: (coughs) Close.
JOHN: Close? Close to what? Actually getting yourself killed?!
ANDY: (sitting up) Sideways.
JOHN: Close to sideways? What the hell does that mean?!
ANDY: (ignoring John) Not explosive, shouldn't have even...
JOHN: (fetching the cracked fire extinguisher, testing its weight) I'm going to hit you until answers come out.
ANDY: Of course! The answer is within!
JOHN: ( o_O;) ... (starts hitting Andy)
ANDY: (ignoring the beating) That fool thinks he's gotten the last laugh with that disruptor of his, but I shall have the last laugh last first!
JOHN: (panting) Christ, either I'm out of shape or you've gone way too far in durability training.
Or both.
JOHN: (to no one in particular) Can we go One Scene without you doing that?!
Can you go one scene without reading your stage directions?
JOHN: (annoyed) I'm annoyed.
Down goes the ceiling tile, adding to the mess and John's headache.
ANDY: (continuing) For it is in the external jamming of ki that I have discovered the true secret! By internally charging the ki instead of externally burning it, I can create a charge! If I can build up my capacitance of this charge and then release it internally all at once, I can power sideways and defeat that wretched cur at his own game!
JOHN: Power sideways? This is worse than your usual nonsense. (blinks) Wait... How the hell did you figure this out?! How is it even possible?! What are you trying to use it for? If the power is kept internally there'd be no external function for such a technique, unless (blink) You were trying to transform. (points) That's what you're trying to do! You think if you transformed you wouldn't be covered by the ki disruptor's human-based frequencies!
ANDY: (blinks) That's enough out of the peanut gallery, I don't want John to find out!
JOHN: But wouldn't the ki just get canceled out? (looks around, pales) Oh my God, you did this on your own, didn't you? You tried to hold the power in but it exploded in its altered form and so it wasn't affected by the disruptor.
ANDY: (turns) I said shut up! (blink) Hi John. (looks around) You didn't happen to see some pompous know-it-all trying to spill secrets have you?
JOHN: < -_- > I must have missed him.
ANDY: Good, because I didn't want you to find out about my training to power sideways to get around your ki disruptor and defeat you in combat.
JOHN: < -_- > I'm sure your secret is as safe as it can be.
ANDY: Good, because I figured out that the secret is--
JOHN: (interrupting) You know what? They refilled the soda machines an hour ago. Ice cold, factory fresh Dew just waiting for drinking.
ANDY: Oh... Excuse me. (jogs out the door)
John takes another look around at the wreckage and lets out a low whistle.

INT.  JOHN'S OFFICE - EARLY EVENING
Ritsuko sits primly in a chair suspended in the air by apparently nothing. John's right hand is clamped to the edge of the Desk supporting a one-handed stand while the Chair balances on his left foot. Around him a slow orbit of paperwork is processed by floating pens and stamps. None of the objects are even remotely steady, bobbing up and down and swaying on all axises. 
RITSUKO: Color me impressed. I didn't think you had the attention span for this technique.
JOHN: (grunts)
RITSUKO: I'm beginning to get a little motion-sick. Set my chair down. Gently.
JOHN: (grunts)
Ritsuko's chair settles unsteadily and drops the last few inches.
RITSUKO: You need to look at the whole system, not the individual components. The papers, the pens, the chairs, these are but a small part of a larger whole. Don't try to manipulate each piece individually, or you'll just give yourself a headache. Instead, you must bind the components together through the Force.
JOHN: How?
RITSUKO: Put the papers back.
The papers slowly begin to float back to the stack.
RITSUKO: Think of the process, use the Force as an assembly line. A conveyor moving the paper to the pens. Let the papers be fed into the system, but ignore them otherwise.
JOHN: What's this for? Besides catching up on my work?
RITSUKO: There is a technique that allows a Master to animate not just their lightsaber, but multiple blades as a time. The purpose is to defend against multiple opponents.
JOHN: Why not just zap them?
RITSUKO: It's more impressive. Disheartens the enemy when they see that kind of masterful control.
JOHN: How many can you fight with?
RITSUKO: I've only ever had two sabers.
JOHN: But...
RITSUKO: When the Rogues and the Council attacked me, I slew some of the Masters in single combat. After about six of them fell, their padawans finally jumped in en masse. I was able to turn their Master's blades against them and used the opportunity to slay them myself. But more were showing up and I didn't think I could fight with that many blades, so I came up with my own technique. 
JOHN: Which is?
RITSUKO: I put the sabers I had into a double orbit and spun them around me like a chainsaw.
JOHN: Sounds impressive.
RITSUKO: It got the others to shut up and leave me alone.
JOHN: So this training will help me learn your... hedgehog technique?
RITSUKO: We'll see. Someone's coming. You should probably sit down.
John's free hand went palm-up to shrug.
JOHN: If it's who I think it is, then I'd prefer this.
Moments later, Asuka enters. She looks like she's preparing for a good shout, but seeing John upside-down, under the Chair with papers floating around them getting signed trips her tongue and leaves her staring blankly at the Goon.
JOHN: Ah, Sohryu. You know these little warpaths of yours are almost becoming disturbing.
Asuka continues to stare, then catches Ritsuko's amused grin and frowns.
ASUKA: I'll come back later.
JOHN: Be honest, are you more intimidated by Doctor Akagi? Or that I haven't dropped the Chair yet?
ASUKA: Go to Hell.
RITSUKO: I'll be back later.
Asuka gives Ritsuko a wide berth as the Doctor exits the office.
ASUKA: ....
JOHN: Well?
ASUKA: Sit like a normal person.
JOHN: So it is her.
ASUKA: She's gotten way more creepy since she stopped hiding that she was a Jedi.

INT.  FLASHBACK - COMMAND DECK - DAY
An invisible hand grabs Asuka's collar and jerks her right in front of Ritsuko's face.
RITSUKO: (quiet, sharp tone for Asuka only) Keep it up, little girl. I'll have fifty witnesses say you jumped from the command deck.
Asuka is dropped and the quarter-breed scrambles back to the shocked group of adolescents.

INT.  JOHN'S OFFICE - PRESENT
The Chair lifts off John's foot and settles on the floor roughly. John lets himself down slowly, pausing the progress of the papers while he does so.
JOHN: So, what's lighting your fire today?
ASUKA: (stares) ....
JOHN: (stares back) ....
ASUKA: ....
JOHN: ....
ASUKA: ....
JOHN: Hi.
ASUKA: This was a mistake. (turns to leave) Waddell was right.
JOHN: Words I never thought I'd hear from Asuka Langley Sohryu for 500, Alex. What was he right about?
ASUKA: You don't know enough to teach.
JOHN: This is true.
ASUKA: You don't deny it?
JOHN: I just outright said it. 
ASUKA: That was about pilot training. I'm looking for real martial arts training.
JOHN: Then you need a real martial artist. Dare I ask, Why?
ASUKA: It's none of your business.
JOHN: Pilot Sohryu, tell your Commander why you are looking for quote: "Real martial arts training."
ASUKA: Why the quotes?
JOHN: Because I find it funny. 
John gestures to one of the extra chairs, which Asuka cautiously accepts. 
JOHN: I am not a martial artist, Asuka. I have never desired to be one, nor shall I ever. Martial Arts is like masturbation. It's just practice for the real thing. 
ASUKA: (o.O) ....
JOHN: So you understand why I find it funny that a true warrior, a real fighter like yourself, who braves death and dismemberment out in the real battlefield, would want to learn how to pretend to fight. What are you going to find in a ring that you aren't going to find in your Eva?
ASUKA: I'm not always going to have my Eva.
JOHN: But you think you'll always have to fight?
ASUKA: ....
JOHN: I like that you're trying to think about life after Eva. But I'm disappointed in you, Asuka. I'd have thought a smart girl like you would see more options in your future than getting punched in the face for a living. (considers) Or even bizarre hobby.
ASUKA: Then tell me what kind of future you see happening. Because the more I think about it the more I see myself having to fight my way to my Eva taking out large men in heavy armor. Men who want my head because they know that if I get launched, I'll fight until my heart stops or until I run out of enemies and the city is splattered as red as my Eva.
JOHN: Vivid. (sighs) Asuka, I don't want your future to be one long--or worse, short--fight to the death. None of us do. If I thought burying NERV and the Evas would ensure peace on Earth, there'd be a fleet of cement trucks on standby waiting for the last Angel to die. But it won't so there isn't.
ASUKA: So how will it end?
JOHN: Last Angel dies, SEELE Council orders JSSDF to assault NERV, they kill all personnel in their way to securing Unit-01.
ASUKA: Why Unit-01?
JOHN: Not yet. Anyway, if they get to Unit-01 then it's over. The SEELE Council will initiate a Third Impact and every Human on the planet will die. That would be the bad ending, by the way.
ASUKA: What's the happy ending?
JOHN: Skipping the all-too-easy joke, I don't really know what the happy ending would be. We could fight back, hold them off, and initiate a Third Impact on our terms. We could fight back, drive them off and hold Japan hostage until we negotiated peace. We could sweep the world, defeating its armies with our Evas until all of the Eva Production facilities in America, Europe, and Asia belonged to us. I have just enough optimism left in me that maybe we could find and slay the SEELE Council, dissolve NERV after the last Angel and all go our own ways. But I know it won't happen. Once Humanity has no more external enemies to fight, we'll turn the Evas on each other. (sighs) Maybe Third Impact really is the Happy Ending we're all fighting for?
ASUKA: You just said Third Impact would kill everyone!
JOHN: Yes, but we would all go to Heaven.
ASUKA: ....
JOHN: Soon, the Commander of NERV is going to have to decide what is best for Humanity. It's a decision I never wanted to make.
ASUKA: Do you know what Commander Ikari's choice was?
JOHN: I do. And I'm beginning to wonder if he had the right idea all along. That all the really matters is being with your loved ones. That's enough picking my brain for now. If “real martial arts” training is what you really want, if you think it's for the right reasons, then go ahead. As long as it doesn't interfere with your piloting. Who have you asked so far?
ASUKA: Sensei, Misato... Waddell.
JOHN: All good choices. Sensei said no?
ASUKA: He said I had trainers and to not ask again, though at the time we were discussing pilot training. Still, I haven't approached him about martial arts; those markers sting.
JOHN: Misato?
ASUKA: Misato said she wouldn't make a good teacher and that her technique was sloppy.
JOHN: She's a Drunken Boxer, sloppy technique is the founding principle. She'd be a really good teacher if she tried, she has the heart for it.
ASUKA: (idly) Waddell said the same thing.
JOHN: (almost smiles at this) So… you're left with Jared.
ASUKA: Hmmph.
JOHN: Well, I won't vouch for his behavior. But, if you are truly after real martial arts training, then I don't think you could find better.
ASUKA: Am I hearing a tone of experience?
JOHN: I wish you hadn't. 
ASUKA: (smugly leaning forward) What happened?
JOHN: That is so none of your business.
ASUKA: But how can I trust your referral without an anecdote?
JOHN: I don't have to tell you, you've already decided to go to him for training. Saying anything more could spoil everything, but I will say this. Sooner or later you'll reach the point I came to and you will make a choice. When you do, don't make that choice in order to be better then I, do it to be better than yourself.
ASUKA: That Jedi training is already wearing off on you. (stands) I'd like to ask one more thing.
JOHN: Hmm?
ASUKA: Looking back, do you think you made the right choice?
JOHN: My dear, you're asking the wrong John Genoni.

INT.  GOONS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT
Andy and Jared are hunched over the table. Andy is pouring over mountains of newspaper reviews of Vengeance of the Fist 2: The Return of the Fist. A pile of merchandise has apparently been stuffed into the closet visible in the background, as the painted arm of a standee pokes out of the doorframe while the door itself bulges ominously. Jared occasionally steals a discarded paper from Andy’s “done” pile and attempts to read the contents, only to grab his head in pain.
On the new couch, John sits, reading a thick report. Jared comes over to join him after another few attempts at reading VotF “reviews.”
JARED: ‘Sup?
JOHN: (without looking up) Supply change order update, and preparation for Unit-08 delivery.
JARED: (raised eyebrow) Oh?
JOHN: Yes. No one else is going to get the thing, so we’re going to put it on ice in case we need a replacement Eva.
JARED: Cute cover story, but if we toast an Eva--
JOHN: Our piloting ranks will be reduced by one accordingly. (realizes Jared is reading over his shoulder) Shouldn’t you be plotting to kill the next Angel?
JARED: S2 unit, large sword, big boom. Planning done.
JOHN: < -_- > It’s moments like these I wish I could kill you, bring you back to life, then kill you again for good measure.
JARED: < ^_^ > I seem to have that effect on people.
JOHN: Is there a backup plan?
JARED: We’ll, unlike previous Angel’s, this one doesn’t really have a weakness, so our only option is to literally hit it with everything we’ve got, and that means beefing up on the basics and ammo.
JOHN: (glances at the report again) ... Which is already being done. Still...
JARED: John, bottom line is we don’t have any fancy tricks.
JOHN: In your opinion, how have the kids’ ki abilities fared?
JARED: After your little stunt? Slight improvement. They need ki practice for familiarity, you know, so they know what they can do. Piloting is mostly mental. But then someone went and made that impossible.
JOHN: Yes... someone. We’ll, I’ll finish this in my room. See you guys tomorrow.
ANDY: (without looking up) G’night.

EXT.  OLD CAMPGROUND - THE NEXT MORNING
Asuka's eyes slowly crack open. A bird chirps.
ASUKA: (sitting up suddenly) What the hell?!
Asuka's shout stirs her fellow pilots. Shinji sits up, Kensuke throws himself to his feet, Rei quietly stands up, Toji grumbles and rolls onto his other side.
ASUKA: (looking around) Where the hell are we?
JOHN: (from above) The southern-most Ryukyuan Island.
The Children look up. John is hanging upside down from nothing.
JOHN: We are just out of Ki Disruptor range. If there is an emergency the Disruptor will be shut off and I'll I.T. you all back to base. But I figured you might enjoy a little training outside of its effects.
SHINJI: You said you weren't going to be training us anymore.
JOHN: I'm the Commander, I can do whatever I want. Besides, I don't really consider this training, so much as a chance to practice.
KENSUKE: So, uh Sir, what will you have us do?
JOHN: (enjoying the "Sir") Mmm... Oh, this and that. (landing) Shinji, stand over there where I can see you. Kensuke, there's a frying pan hanging from that tree, stand about two meters away. Toji, find a place where you have room and won't be in anyone's way. Asuka and Rei, come with me.
ASUKA: Why is Shinji over there?
JOHN: In case I miss.
John points at Shinji and a small violet ball of lightning zips out and hits Shinji in the chest. The Third Children falls backward and coughs. Asuka shouts and tries to kick John's face in. John lazily makes a sweeping gesture with his hand and Asuka is Forced off her feet.
SHINJI: (climbing back to his feet) It's alright, Asuka. It's supposed to be easier to block another energy attack than something physical, otherwise I'd just use a tennis cannon.
JOHN: (zapping Shinji again) I'm going to try to keep a regular pattern so be ready next time.
SHINJI: (getting up again) Yes, Sir.
John raises two fingers and the ground explodes up about ten meters away. When the dust settles, there is a four foot circle of scorched ground. Another larger ball of violet energy grows in John's hand. John casually tosses that at the circle, which settles into place four feet above the center of the circle.
JOHN: Rei, you have to focus very hard for the technique to work. It's like Harry Potter: Destination, Deliberation, Determination. Of course, if it was that easy everyone could do it. Focus on the ball, concentrate hard on its energy signature. Picture yourself there, standing in front of that ball in the black circle. Then will every molecule towards that goal. Don't worry though, I've never heard of this technique leaving body parts behind.
REI: Hai.
John fires off another shot at Shinji, then turns to Asuka leading her away.
JOHN: Sohryu.
ASUKA: Worm.
JOHN: You haven't even lost anything, just the opportunity to try. (raises a finger as he quotes) "For once you have tasted flight you will walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward; for there you have been and there you will long to return." Leonardo Di Vinci said that. (kicks off of the ground) The tricky part of this is there are almost as many theories as there are people who can do it. Some think it's kind of a ki jet, others think it's a kind of energy graviton, magic fairy dust and pleasant thoughts, falling to the ground and missing, et cetera. I put into your pretty skull what I think should be the best method for you. It's simple, (fires again at Shinji) elegant, and effective. It's very difficult to lift yourself off the ground, so a kick-off or blast-off is most effective at providing the initial momentum. Just like flying a plane, the take-off and landing are the hardest parts. Once you're in the air, you'll find it very simple to maintain that, though no less tiring.
ASUKA: We don't have the power levels to try this stuff without our Evas. You're just shooting Shinji for the hell of it.
JOHN: I am?
John looks over to Shinji, who's keeping an eagle eye on the Goon. John raises his hand to fire again, Shinji crosses his arms in an X in front of him. The Goon fires. Shinji grunts. The ball reaches a point about two feet in front of the pilot. A light blue wall becomes visible for a split second before the tiny ball breaks through it and knocks Ikari on his ass again.
John looks over to Kensuke who is crouched over, panting, with his hands on his knees. The frying pan on the tree is swinging slightly despite there being no breeze.
Toji's hair seems to be waving in the same still air.
Rei seems to blink out of existence for a fraction of a second and is suddenly a few centimeters closer to the glowing ball.
ASUKA: ( O.O ) ...
JOHN: So, are you going to start jumping or will I have to throw you?
The Mini-MAGIs on the pilot's wrists start beeping alerts.
JOHN: Crap. Another time then, (calling out) Everyone to me!

INT.  UNIT-04'S CAGE, NERV - SAME TIME
Andy is waist-deep in the firing mechanism of the Super Vulcan. Crawling out of the assembly, Andy notices the alarms sounding.
ANDY: Damn it. (grabs a wrench to seal the gun back up)

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - MOMENTS LATER
RITSUKO: (leaning back from a terminal) The Ki Disruptor will be disabled in five seconds.
Five seconds pass.
John appears with Asuka and Rei holding onto his shoulder. They let go and he vanishes again.
MISATO: (looking at her flexing hands) Head to the locker rooms, we'll brief you momentarily.
John reappears with Shinji and Toji, but before they can let go, the three vanish again. Another second later the Psycho shows up and grabs Asuka and Rei before vanishing again.
MISATO: What the hell?
John reappears with Kensuke.
JOHN: I'm dropping the kids off in the locker room. Are the Mini-MAGI channels open?
SHIGERU: Yes, Sir!
JOHN: (into his Mini-MAGI) We're launching Jared and Andy first to intercept. The Geofront does not need a skylight!
John seizes Kensuke and vanishes again.
MAYA: Why did he bring the pilots here first?
MISATO: Because there was no one in the locker rooms. He only knows that room's position relative to the Command Center so he was homing in on the energy signatures here for his long distance 'port, using it as a checkpoint.
JARED: (holographic panel appearing) Where is it?
MAKOTO: Blue Pattern was detected over New Yokohama bay. It is approaching steadily at roughly 50 kilometers an hour.
MISATO: Damn it! They call this "Early Warning"? It's right on top of us already!
RITSUKO: Worry about that later!
JARED: Unit-03, ready to launch.
ANDY: Unit-04, locked and loaded!
MAKOTO: Elevator paths are in the green.
MISATO: EVA LAUNCH!

EXT.  NEW YOKOHAMA HARBOR - MOMENTS LATER
Zuriel, despite its skull-like face and monstrous proportions, floats gracefully over the moored ships and containers as it steadily makes its way to the center of Tokyo-3. The small fishing vessels and cargo ships are of no interest to the being, nor the retracting buildings in the distance. What does catch its attention, is that while a number of buildings were descending, two were swiftly popping up from the ground roughly a mile away. Even more suspicious were the two humanoids that immediately dashed out of each elevator and ducked behind some of the remaining structures. The Angel of Might slowed its advance, it was nearing its destination anyway.
Within Unit-03's entry plug, Jared takes a few calming breaths.
JARED: I take it you're itching to try out your new toy?
ANDY: Not exactly what I made it for. Might as well try it out though.
JARED: Okay, you neutralize the Field, I'll hit it with a Kamehameha, then let 'er rip. We'll be back in time for cornflakes.
ANDY: Why don't you neutralize it?
JARED: Because I need my AT-Field to fire the Kamehameha! You're just going to be standing and shooting.
MISATO: The evacuation is only 68% complete, do not allow the Angel to approach the shelters!
JARED: Ready?
ANDY: NOW!
Unit-04 steps from behind its cover, activating its own AT-Field. Two concentric octagonal orange barriers appear as the Angel's AT-Field reacts to Andy's. The Angel halts its advance and begins to rise, even as Andy quickly matches the Angel's pattern, canceling the two walls out.
Unit-03 spins from its hiding place and slides into the familiar fireball stance. Its AT-Field appears in front of it and then warps and collects itself into a sphere of light cupped by the Eva's hands.
JARED: KAMEHAMEHA!
The energy turns blue slightly before lancing out at the now-upright Angel, burning into its shoulder for several seconds. Though barely even marking the Angel's skin, it did have the effect of earning the Fourteenth's attention.
Unit-03 dashes for some kind of cover as the Angel's empty eye sockets light up with energy.
BOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Unit-04's Super Vulcan begins firing, roaring out magnetically accelerated steel spikes. The flechette rounds pierce the sound barrier and bite into the Angel's hide. Some of the rounds merely shatter into a cloud of metallic debris.
ANDY: Show me that big red target, you bastard.
Andy continues raining ammunition onto the Angel's back, while Jared peaks out from behind a department store to scout the Angel.
JARED: Huh, it's actually--oh shit! ARMS!
ANDY: Huh? WAAAGH!
Unit-04 falls onto its back as the paper-thin, razor-sharp limb whips past where the Eva's neck was. The Angel rotates and its other arm rises into the air like and executioner's axe. Andy tries to roll but the extra armor to support the Super Vulcan gets in the way and leaves him stuck like a turtle.
The arm comes whistling down ready to bisect the Eva and its pilot right down the middle.
FFFKOOM!
The center of the Angel's arm explodes, sending the freshly detached limb flipping away from Unit-04 and splashing into the harbor. The Angel jerks to its left to identify the new aggressor.
Unit-06X rises from its sniping position miles away on the other side of the city, cradling the Rail Gun in its arms as John dashes for another firing position.
This most recent incarnation of the electromagnetically propelled weapon system is more refined, smaller (though in the case of two hundred foot long particle rifles designed for multi-story tall walking war machines, "smaller" is a relative term), and not connected by a huge copse of gaudy wires. Indeed, the connection is a single, simple cable with a quick-release mechanism that is most welcome in the heat of combat, as holding the gun with two hands really tends to limit other offensive options.
Left to long-range action for the time being, Unit-06X moves swiftly as possible, praying for Jared to buy time.
Speaking of the near-invisible Evangelion and its pilot, Unit-03 lands on the Angel's intact arm long enough to kick Andy's Unit free of its ammo shroud and extra armor. His clearing leap allows him to dodge a revenge swing from the intact limb.
JARED: Plan C2! I will not fight him with--
And the wounded arm comes at him. Fast as a bullet, sharp as a razor, and big as a building. Unit-03's own arms go super-sonic as the Eva dances left and right with steps so smooth and deft it appears to fade from one position to the next, dodging the Angel's attacks.
JARED: Energy Dan!
A halo of light explodes from the Eva and pounds at the ground before the Angel's AT-Field, instantly shrouding the battlefield in dust, and making Jared's Eva totally invisible. Then the explosions stop, and the dust cloud bulges at one side, resolving into Unit-03 making a fast break. But this is a case where the snake catches the mongoose, the fourteenth's arm wrapping around Unit-03's trailing leg.
JARED: < 0_0;;; > Oh shit.
The Eva is slingshotted around, and let loose in the direction of the north berm, a large hill really, flanking the bay. Even while airborne, Unit-03 lets fly both knives in retaliation, keeping the Angel's attention for the moment. Of course, both knives bounce off the Angel's thick hide... wait a minute, he's nullifying the AT-Field while getting his ass kicked?
ANDY: John!
JOHN: Reloading!
Unit-03 skips off the berm, Jared launching a Kamehameha at the wounded arm to give him breathing room while he falls, with some measure of grace, in a very unusual arc to land next to Andy, helping Unit-04 flank Unit-06X.
JARED: Misato!
MISATO: On it!
Even as she speaks, weapon launchers in the ground catapult a katana and a broadsword into the midst of the Evas. As John sights on the Angel, Jared and Andy grab their respective weapons and leap at the Angel, covering the fifteen hundred meters in seconds, screaming like Scottish warriors.
John stays behind, attention split between the charging system readout, and the battle before him, painfully aware of the fact that behind him are people, thousands and thousands of innocent people still out in the open. And Jared and Andy seem to realize this as well, as nothing has come at him, near him, or even flown in the general direction of the incompletely evacuated areas. Yet.
Andy comes in high, a mach cone forming around his blade until the instant it reaches the Angel's AT-Field. Such is the enormous magnitude of the force behind Andy's attack that the AT-Field visibly bends under the blow for the millisecond before the broadsword shatters. Jared takes an instant to neutralize the edge of the AT-Field before slicing into the bottom of the Angel. But hitting the monster directly is like punching wet sand. He reverses course, and yanks the blade free just in time to dodge an energy blast that leaves a cross-shaped cloud of fire and death in its wake.
JOHN: (sighting through the targeting system) C'mon, get out of the way.
The object in the way is Unit-04, dodging the Angel's flat, tentacle-like arms as it tries to make a landing of sorts. Jared, taking in the scene in an instant, punches at the ground directly below the unit with the AT-Field backing the blow, instantly plowing about an acre of ground. Andy goes limp and drops straight down, missing the undulating arms completely. Jared is not so lucky, and jumps directly into the maelstrom only to get batted aside. Unit-04 flips to its feet and is at the edge of the Angel's range in the time it takes Jared to land and get into a defensive position. Both arms come at the closest threat, each splitting into five smaller sections. Jared blocks like mad, getting nine of the spines embedded in his sword before he is slowed too much, and the last one plows into Unit-03's shoulder.
Jaw clenched so tightly his face turns white, Jared stands his ground.
JOHN: I've got a green board! Get out of the way, Jared!
JARED: (smirks) Gotcha, fucker.
Unit-03 grabs onto the Angel's arms with its free hand, and jerks. The Eva then head-butts the suddenly off-balance Angel so hard the beast is thrown all the way back into the bay. A gout of water the size of a skyscraper erupts around the Angel as Unit-04 drops into position next to Unit-03.
JOHN: Damn it, give me a clear shot, you idiots!
ANDY: Fusion dance!
JOHN: Oh.
The remains of the swords are cast aside, and Unit-04 and Unit-03 begin performing an odd, complex, synchronized dance.

INT.  SLIDE-CUT BETWEEN THE VARIOUS ENTRY PLUGS - SAME TIME
TOJI: (watching on the feed in his entry plug) Jeez. I've got nothing against homosexuals, but there's a time and place for everything.
Shinji actually chokes on the LCL for a second.
SHINJI: Wh-what? Dude! Jared's slept with like, half the women in NERV.
ASUKA: (snorts in disgust) Ugh! Don't remind me! I feel dirty just walking around this place.
RITSUKO: (putting in her two cents) More like a fourth, right Misato?
MISATO: (also using the comm.) That's classified due to the on-going office pool.
ASUKA: I did NOT need to hear that!
KENSUKE: I'm going to play devil's advocate for a minute here and remind you all that Andy doesn't associate with women, and doesn't Jared 'protest too much' with all his womanizing?
RITSUKO: I suppose you think James Bond was gay, too.
JOHN: Pilot Aida, let me remind you that I am commander of NERV, and you are my subordinate. I can order you to sacrifice yourself to protect us, and if you refuse, shoot you in the head, and I will be in the right. Also, you could hit Andy with an orbital weapons platform and do nothing more than piss him off and ruin his favorite shirt. Do I make myself clear, Pilot Aida?
KENSUKE: Uh, sir, what about Jared?
JOHN: I don't really care about him.
KENSUKE: You don't care that he probably polishes another man's gun barrel in his spare time?
JOHN: What?
KENSUKE: Sir, what I'm saying is, don't you realize he must spanking two monkeys at once when you're not around?
JOHN: Has everyone gone crazy?! What is this drivel coming out of your mouth?!
KENSUKE: I'm just saying sir, that Jared seems to be involved in some serious pickle slurping contests on the side.
JOHN: Look, whatever medication you stopped taking, after this battle is over, you get right back on it. I will NOT have one of my pilots channeling Francis!

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - SAME TIME
MISATO: Ritsuko, you're the doctor. What's wrong with them?
RITSUKO: Many things. Mostly, our problem is that they're not concentrating on the Angel.
MISATO: Oh, okay. (into the comm.) Get back to that Angel, pilots!
There is a chorus of yes ma'am over the comm. just as Andy and Jared complete their dance.

EXT.  FIELD OF BATTLE NEXT TO NEW YOKOHAMA HARBOR - NOW
ANDY & JARED: (Sim.) Fusion-ha!
As forefingers touch, a trained observer (with an obsessive eye for detail and a set of powerful binoculars), would have noticed a rogue pinky on Unit-03's hand not quite obeying the commands of the Eva's nervous system.
Several exclamations of those who were forced to watch Dragonball Z rang out over the comm. as a dazzling light surrounded the Evas. Once it faded, what remained was large and terrifying.
Large because it was large, and terrifying because it looked nothing like an Eva. In fact, it had frosting, sprinkles, and parts looked deep-fried. The Evangelions had turned into a giant, sugar-coated pastry.

INT.  SLIDE-CUT BETWEEN ENTRY PLUGS - NOW
JOHN: What...
ASUKA: ... The...

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - NOW
MISATO: ... Hell? (to Ritsuko) Are they... (torn between hope and horror) dead?
RITSUKO: We aren't that lucky... I mean, scans indicate they have transformed into an Evanjellydoughnut.
JOHN: (scolding; through video feed) Doctor! That's a terrible pun... but good fanfiction.
RITSUKO: (rhetorically) Fucking useless fanboys...

EXT.  BATTLEFIELD NEXT TO NEW YOKOHAMA HARBOR - MOMENTS LATER
Then the Angel's eyes light up.
FFFFFFFFFFFFKKKKKKAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - MOMENTS LATER
RITSUKO: Now they're a toasted--
JOHN: (video feed) Don't say it!

EXT.  BATTLEFIELD NEXT TO NEW YOKOHAMA HARBOR - MOMENTS LATER
A comical 'popping' noise coincided with the Evas returning to normal and separate units, though both look more than a little stunned.
They barely notice the second rail-gun shot piercing the air between them and hitting the Angel in the shoulder. The Angel takes notice, however, and charges right at the pair.
ANDY: Distract it!
JARED: How?!
ANDY: Chewbacca Defense!
Grumbling, Jared grabs some wreckage and throws it at the Angel, growling and grunting like a famous Star Wars character. The Angel does not appear amused, and bats him away, while Andy drops into a familiar stance and begins screaming. John, meanwhile, reloads desperately while the other pilots finally launch.
SHINJI: What's the plan?
JOHN: Let's just start pounding on it. Don't get too close, just harass it so its approach is slowed.
TOJI: What about Mucha-san?
JOHN: Fuck Andy. He's no help to us now.
Four Evangelions run into the Angel's offenses like crabs tackling an octopus. Unit-03 joins them seconds later, its refractive limbs helping parry otherwise deadly blows. Unit-04 stands nearby, roaring impotently. After a few seconds of stalemate, the Angel manages to send Unit-02 crashing into 01. Unit-03 dashes in front of the pair to keep them shielded from the follow-up, while Unit-07 and 09 keep the other arm occupied.
Somehow, Unit-03 and 01 wind up holding tight to one arm, while 07 and 09 hold onto the other arm, all four massive war mecha fighting the limbs like circus midgets wrestling an anaconda to the ground. The Angel takes a second to realize what it's holding on to, and flips its arms up like whips, tossing away the annoying Evangelions. A few seldom-used brain cells in the back of Asuka's skull take charge of her nervous system--and by extension Unit-02's--and beat a hasty hundred yard retreat.
Leaving Andy standing alone to face the monster.
ANDY: (hopefully just finishing up) HAAAAAA!!! Now, you bast--
He's making the universal 'stop' sign with Unit-04's arm when the Angel wraps its limbs around the Eva, apparently aiming to tear it in half.
And for the umteenth time in this battle, Unit-03 comes in from out of nowhere to grab the Angel and execute a perfect German Suplex. John uses his Eva's optics system to snap a picture of said move. Rei cuts loose with an ICBM-sized round fired from a launch tube held in Unit-05's hands. With no AT-Field to stop it, the round slams into the Angel and the two American Evangelions, detonating.
After the blast flash and mushroom cloud recede, we see the fourteenth still standing, and looking almost unharmed. Except for the missing bit near the base, and the hole in the shoulder, and the arms... which actually don't look damaged at all.
Andy picks his Eva up and pulls back with the other pilots.
ANDY: Why won't you fall!
JOHN: Jared, use your--
JARED: (this-is-not-even-an-option voice) NO!
The many Evangelion pilots present turn to stare at Unit-03 and Unit-06X.
JOHN: Look, we're up against--
JOHN: I know what we're up against. We can beat it. We can beat it without your Shadow, and without... (eye twitches; mouth flaps soundlessly for a second) Without, okay?
ANDY: Are you sure, Waddell? I have waited--
JARED: YES!
KENSUKE: What are you--
JARED: NOTHING! (charging into battle) YEEEAAARRRRRRRAAAAAAAA!!!

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - MOMENTS LATER
Misato kills the comm. system.
MISATO: Doctor?
RITSUKO: What? Am I some kind of oracle now?
MISATO: Jared doesn't have the same ki imbalance as Genoni, does he?
RITSUKO: No! I already told you that.
MISATO: I remember, I just... what's he so afraid of?
RITSUKO: I'm not his mother. Maybe John's suggesting he seduce the Angel.
Misato stares blankly at the doctor for a second, then flips the comm. system back on.
MISATO: (into comm.) Pilot Waddell, attempt to seduce the--
RITSUKO: (covering Misato's mouth) What the hell are you thinking?!
MISATO: (bites Ritsuko's fingers to get away) I'm trying to keep us all from getting killed!
RITSUKO: Give them a damn minute to try and beat it. It's not even in our primary defensive zone yet!
MISATO: Try what? We've hit it with everything, Doctor!
Alas, Ritsuko's eyes have locked on the holographic display.

EXT.  BATTLEFIELD NEXT TO NEW YOKOHAMA HARBOR - MOMENTS LATER
The Angel takes to the air. Not more floating, like it has been doing since arriving, but actually flying at fighter jet speeds towards the hole it just punched in the Geofront.

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - SAME TIME
MISATO: How many minutes do you want to give them?

EXT.  BATTLEFIELD NEXT TO NEW YOKOHAMA HARBOR - SAME TIME
Unit-03 grabs onto Unit-01 and 02.
JARED: Form on me!
And with that, he's gone.
JOHN: (to Andy) You know what to do.
Unit-04 nods, grabbing Toji and Kensuke's Evas while John grabs Unit-05, containing Rei.

INT.  GEOFRONT - MOMENTS LATER
In a flash, all seven bio-mecha stand inside the Geofront, pulling weapons from delivery systems and readying themselves. John lines up the inevitable rail gun shot while the other units fit themselves with two weapons each and plenty of spares. Jared holds his hands to the sky.
JOHN: Jared! Get armed, now!
JARED: Spirit bomb.
Unit-04 slaps a hand down on 03's shoulder. In his entry plug, Jared looks back at the gunmetal gray monstrosity.
ANDY: Take my energy, I couldn't use it to power sideways yet.
JARED: (nodding) Yet. Thanks Andy.
KENSUKE: Gaaaaay.
In reply, Unit-04 hits 09 with a 'small' energy blast.
JOHN: Children, I hereby order you to quit fighting like... children!
Unit-05 walks up to the duo.
REI: may i?
JARED: Sure. I need all the help I can get.
Within seconds, a pulsing orange glow surrounds Unit-03.
JOHN: Major, ETA?
MISATO: Four minutes! John... uh, how did Jared know where to Instant-Transmission?
JOHN: If my internal map is correct, he just materialized a certain distance above Terminal Dogma.
KENSUKE: That sounds cool, what's that?
JOHN & RITSUKO: (sim.) The place where your beliefs end.
MISATO: What's in Terminal Dogma that Jared could lock onto?
ANDY: (not at all mysterious) What indeed?
 Three minutes, twenty-three seconds later.
 JARED: It's ready!
JOHN: The Angel is incoming. Three!
JARED: HAAAAAAAAA!
JOHN: Two!
JARED, ANDY & REI: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Whatever John says next is blotted out by a solid ball of pure energy that intercepts the arriving Angel mere meters above the small hole in NERV's armor. The communications system goes down. The city camera systems go down. The quality of this fanfic goes down.
Wait, that last one is technically impossible.
And a good-sized chunk of the Geofront's roof is torn off.
MISATO: YES!
ANDY: Hah! No one could survive that much dust!
JOHN: (head in hands) Andy...
ANDY: What?
KENSUKE: (pointing) It didn't work!
Sure enough, floating through the falling debris and rising cloud of smoke, is the fourteenth Angel, largely unharmed by the blast that quadrupled the size of the Angel's initial hole.
JARED: Quick, Kamehameha wave!
Units 03, 04, and 09 drop into a familiar stance and launch their AT-Fields at the Angel. The four balls melt into a single wave of energy that slams into the Angel, slowing it down as a plushie doll might slow down an attacking rottweiler.
JARED: (being intelligent for once) Never mind!
All three try to scatter, but are basically pounced on by the Angel, which proceeds to rip, tear, and bash at all of them before throwing them away like discarded scratching posts. Then a hundred metric tons of high-velocity explosives hit the Angel from all directions.
ASUKA: What is it going to take to kill this thing?!
ANDY: Jared!
JARED: Moving!
The pair go through their dance again, while every other able Evangelion pours raw firepower at the Fourteenth like it's going out of style. Finally, the fateful fingers touch, and the two Evas are rendered…

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - SAME TIME
RITSUKO: I hate to admit it, but that's actually making me hungry.
MISATO: (head in hands) Those fucking idiots!

INT.  GEOFRONT - MOMENTS LATER
John poses dramatically.
JOHN: (pale imitation of Dirty Harry) I know what you're thinking: Did he fire three shots, or only two? Well, considering this is a 6.66 Railgun--the most powerful weapon ever made--and would blow your head clean off, you have to ask yourself just one question: Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?
MISATO: (via comm.) JUST SHOOT THE <CENSORED> ANGEL, YOU <CENSORED>!!!
JOHN: Okay, sure.
With a slow-moving target in his sights and plenty of time to line up his shot, John can't miss. Now, this paragraph could go on for another four hundred words attempting, and failing, to convey the awesome power of this weapon, or we could whip out a weak onomatopoeia and cut straight to the more dramatic parts. What do you say?
Good decision.
FFFKOOM!
The echo of the Rail Gun's shot breaking the sound barrier pulses back and forth within the underground cavern while the Evangelions attempt to recover. Units-03 and 04, separate again, are on the ground near 06X, slowly stirring. The Children's Evas are scattered about, knocked down by the blast. Some are in worse shape than others. Toji's Eva is holding its shoulder, from which juts a massive chunk of someone else's gun. A relatively un-battered (and un-deep-fried) Unit-05, claws out, remains between the pyramid-shaped Command Center and the Angel. Unit-01 has been put through the wringer with dents and fractures all over its armor. Unit-02 isn't in much better shape. Kensuke has finally stopped screaming and is just whimpering even as his Eva reattaches its own leg.
And the Angel remains floating despite a large hole in its body just to the side of the all-important S2 organ. A hole quickly filling itself back in.
JOHN: (from inside Unit-06X, looking down the steaming barrel of the Rail Gun in disbelief) He can't have dodged it! You don't get to dodge a Rail Gun at this range! It's not one of the options! It's--It's inconceivable!
RITSUKO: (via comm.) Unless you hit the S2 core it's still going to keep coming!
Unit-06 lowers the barrel of its Rail Gun and begins reloading. Units 04 and 03 climb back to their feet.
ANDY: Damn it Jared! Your little finger was out of place again! We have to be exactly alike for the Fusion Dance to work!
JARED: It's not my fault! There's nerve damage to that hand! You try catching one of those blade arms in the shoulder!
JOHN: Ritsuko, make a note for later. Stream-line the reloading process, this sniper shit isn't combat appropriate. Look into a clip of some kind. And speed up the round. I want this thing to chase tachyons.
RITSUKO: (via comm.) If there is a later.
MISATO: (via comm.) It bought us twenty seconds, make it count!
JOHN: Well, we tried the Vulcan, the "Chewbacca Defense," Hand-to-hand was a disaster, we tried the Spirit Bomb (that was cool, by the way), the useless "Energy Dan," bladed attacks, Andy's "power sideways" technique was a minute of worthless yelling, the fusion dance resulted in glazed food--twice--and it dodged the Rail-gun at close range. (finishes reloading) SO TRY TO DODGE THIS, YOU BASTARD!
Unit-06 raises its gun again and charges at the Angel. Halfway there it jumps high into the air and comes down on the raised AT-Field. The barrel of the Rail gun is brought to bear right at the glowing S2 core. The barrel glows slightly for a split second before the Rail Gun fires. At less than a few meters, there could be no chance of the Angel of Might dodging the round.
The bullet pierces the AT-Field without slowing down, passes harmlessly through the S2 core and directly into the earth. In the wake of the round's passing, the S2 core ripples and reforms to its spherical shape.
The impact of the round hitting the Earth sends shockwaves throughout the city and much of Japan, waves raised from the rocked island club China's coastline. A crack climbs up the Geofront's wall towards the armor. Buildings are shook loose of their mooring and plummet into the lake.
The Command Center, the re-grouping Eva pilots, and all watching stare dumbfounded at the Angel. Except for Jared and Andy, how now have 'sparkly eyes' and swoon at the sight, yelling 'cool!' The horrendous skull-like visage of the Angel seems to smirk.
MISATO: (via comm.) You horrible fucker! You missed! Why did you--how did you?! What the fuck is wrong with you! How can you miss a target the size of a building at point blank range!
RITSUKO: (pale; on video feed) Mis-chan... He didn't miss.
MISATO: (via comm.) Then why is it still there?!
Ritsuko looks to Maya who brings up an instant replay of the shot and following effect. Meanwhile, Zuriel wraps its limb around Unit-06's ankle and throws the Eva at the pyramid. Unit-05 steps in the way and catches the flung Eva.
JOHN: Thanks, Rei.
REI: you are welcome, oniisan.
JOHN: Well, I'm open to good ideas.
MISATO: (now also on video feed) We're out of options, use your Shadow.
JOHN: I said good ideas.
MISATO: (video) Pilot, that was an order.
JOHN: Major, I'm overriding that order.
MISATO: (video) Use it!
JOHN: I don't know what it will do to me.
MISATO: (video) I know damn well what it will do to everyone else!
ANDY: I have an idea.
Despite the situation, a hearty laugh is shared by all.
ANDY: Assholes. I do. I'll just activate the Super Dew injectors.
JOHN: What?!
JARED: You jerk! You stole my idea!
ANDY: What? It was my idea in the first place! I just hide a small amount of Super Dew in the plug suit and then Bam! Shinji can go Feral and eat the Angel.
SHINJI: What?!
ANDY: That's why I modified the dark blue plug suit.
TOJI: Uh...
JARED: Ha! I knew you'd make a mistake so I modified the white one!
REI: ....
ANDY: You Fool! I knew you'd screw that up so I put it in the green one.
KENSUKE: (already pale) Uh, guys?
JARED: I think I may have put one in the red suit.
ASUKA: You pervert! You touched my suit?!
JOHN: I am getting from this conversation that all of the kids are in grave danger right now.
JARED: Nonsense. It's just a small amount.
ANDY: Infinitesimal.

INT.  UNIT-01 ENTRY PLUG - NOW
Shinji slowly turns his head to see a large steel keg secured behind his seat. A small LED readout is blinking "READY".
SHINJI: Oh God, not again.

INT.  SLIDE-CUT BETWEEN UNIT-03 AND 04 - SAME TIME
JARED: Press the button, Mucha!
Andy jabs a large red button in his entry plug.
ANDY: Now throw the switch, Waddell!
Jared reaches over and flips a bank of switches.
JARED: Turn the dial, Mucha!
JOHN: (dodging one of the Angel's eye blasts) How long is this going to take?
ANDY: Attach the cables!
JARED: Extend the Antennae!
ANDY: Cancel the Three-Ring Circus!

INT.  NERV COMMAND CENTER - NOW
MISATO: Fuck it, there's gotta be a button on this panel somewhere.
Misato takes a quick look at Makoto's console and selects a green button that looks taped on.
JAMES: (via every communication system in Japan) Super-Dew Pilot Augmentation System Activated. My God have mercy upon your unworthy souls. Good day.

INT.  UNIT-01 ENTRY PLUG - NOW
Shinji's eyes widen in horror as the words on the display change.
SIGNED.
SEALED.
DELIVERED.
SHINJI: (whimpers) ...

EXT.  GEOFRONT - NOW
And on the field of ba--
...
Ew.
Just Ew.
Seriously, not even National Geographic would show this and they won't blink at a pack of ravenous hyenas taking apart a baby gazelle.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - AN HOUR LATER
The trio of terror is at the kitchen table, eating cereal. John's glasses are clear again.
JARED: I told you we'd be back in time for cornflakes.
ANDY: Tastes like blood.
JARED: That's the LCL.
JOHN: You know; we're ruining our carpeting.
JARED & ANDY: Don't care.
Drip. Drip.
JARED: You think NERV's pissed that we didn't wait around for debriefing?
ANDY: It was nice to use my rightful powers once again. And soon... I will be FREE of this TYRANNY! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
JOHN: (ignores the subsequent rant) I still don't get it. I didn't make enough Super Dew to fill all those kegs.
JARED: That was beer. You know, for the after party.
ANDY: Yeah, the injector was less than 2cc's in the wristband. Come on, we're bad, but we're not that irresponsible.
JOHN: The list of counter-examples is long and on display at the UN Security office.
JARED: I'm a little curious what happened to all the booze.

INT.  MISATO'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME
The Command staff is throwing one hell of a party.

INT.  GOONS' APARTMENT - SAME TIME
ANDY: (glaring at the patched up wall shared with Misato) Noisy kids.
JARED: Speaking of which, the kids should be out of detox soon.
JOHN: I know; I'm picking Rei up this afternoon.
The three munch on their flakes for a minute.
JOHN: So what was it like Fusing?
ANDY: Imperfect technique.
JARED: Dude, I couldn't feel my Eva's hand.
JOHN: You're avoiding the question.
ANDY: Whatever.
JOHN: Jared?
JARED: (stops eating, looks at Andy, turns to John) Imperfect Technique.
JOHN: Uh huh.
ANDY: (slurping up the rest of his bowl) I'll be in the Cage.
Andy puts two fingers to his head, grumbles, then stands up and leaves.

EXT.  STREETS OF TOKYO-3 - THAT AFTERNOON
The streets of Tokyo-3 progressively get more congested with construction equipment the closer one gets to the giant hole blasted out of the city by the Fourteenth Angel. With the hole still fresh, the first concern was securing the location to make sure the right people were at the site. Unfortunately, the Angel chose a rather vital thoroughfare to make an entrance. As a result, traffic all over the city-fortress congealed as people took unfamiliar detours and otherwise adjusted their lives as they always did.
John's adjustment was to reminisce about flight and Instant Transmissions as he carried a paper bag full of groceries to his car. Rei quietly followed him out of the market with another bag of items in her arms.
JOHN: Is your headache any better?
REI: hai, oniisan.
JOHN: I'm sorry.
REI: you keep apologizing, you had no part in what happened.
JOHN: I knew the Angel would be a bad ass. I should have just done away with it the second the Disruptor was disabled.
REI: you were right not to use that technique.
JOHN: Was I? I'm not sure anymore.
REI: oniisan, there was no lasting damage to myself or the other pilots. do not regret what has turned out for the better.
JOHN: I never should have made the Super Dew.
REI: now you are just whining. it was... interesting.
JOHN: You're just saying that because you only had a small amount.
The two reach John's newly rebuilt Aston Martin DB5. John sets his bags on the roof to dig his pockets for the keys.
REI: (adjusting her grip) you seem to like this model a lot, oniisan.
JOHN: (unlocking the doors) Back in high school, not long after the Computer Science Incident I told you about, the three of us went on a camping trip with another of our friends. He was an artist and so was in a completely different building when the incident occurred. Anyway, we were noticing that strange stuff always kept happening around us and this camping trip was no exception. We found Sasquatch.
REI: sasquatch?
JOHN: Are you familiar with the Yeti legend of the Himalayas?
REI: oh, hai.
JOHN: Similar creature. You wouldn't believe the smell. We offered him some trail mix, he offered us half a fish. Nice guy. Then the poachers showed up and ruined everything.
REI: poachers?
JOHN: (nods grimly) Our friend saw them first and jumped between them and Bigfoot. He wasn't that tall so they shot anyway, but they were lousy shots and hit him. I guess they figured they were deep enough in the woods, they could do what they wanted. We were pissed, but Bigfoot went crazy. (grimly) We got our revenge.
REI: did your friend die?
JOHN: Not right then, but it was very serious and we were miles from help. We jury-rigged a stretcher and double-timed it back to the car. But by the time medical help got to him, the wound was infected and his days were numbered. He made out a will and I got his car. You can guess the model.
REI: i am sorry to hear about your friend.
JOHN: Truth be told it's how he would have wanted to go, protecting one of his favorite mythical creatures. He requested to be buried where we first met the big guy. Anyway, the car he left me was a complete piece of junk, it'd been on blocks for decades until I inherited it. I used some of the money from the first Fist movie to restore it and then took it to college with me.
REI: chicks dig the bond car.
JOHN: (smiling) Yep. So, are we going to be on our way or are we going to stand a around all afternoon?
Rei opens her mouth to speak. A passing flatbed, loaded with steel support beams suddenly makes a funny noise and straps holding the beams down snap. Three tons of steel tumble towards the First Children and John's car. John shouts, thrusting his hand at the oncoming metal. Size matters not, but that much mass doesn't just stop on a dime.
But that's exactly what they did. The metal beams collided with something and tumbled back to the truck.
John stared alternately at the truck, the steel, and his surrogate little sister.
JOHN: Rei! Are you okay?
REI: (staring at the metal in shock) o--oniisan...
John's Mini-MAGI squawks.
MAYA: (small Sound-Only icon) Commander! An AT-Field was just detected in your area! The MAGI are still conferring but their initial decision is the pattern is orange!
John stares at Rei. Rei slowly turns to look at John, tears in her eyes.
MAYA: (small Sound-Only icon) Commander! What are your orders?!
JOHN: (still staring at Rei, into the mini-MAGI) Lieutenant, contact Doctor Akagi, have her come find me. Inform no one else, understood?
MAYA: (small Sound-Only icon) Sir?
JOHN: (angry) No one else!
MAYA: (small Sound-Only icon) Yes Sir.
REI: oniisan... i... (tears begin flowing)
JOHN: (firmly) Get in the car, Rei.
*   *   *
Bing Crosby's "Swing on a Star" plays over the credits.
Oh, we already did the credits. I mean, we being us, obviously, are responsible. Right? Right.
*   *   *
NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW:
The Fifteenth Angel floats in orbit above Tokyo-3.
JOHN: In the next episode of Neon Genesis: Goonvangelion--
Units-03 and 04 tumble into the Angel of Light's beam.
JARED: I thought this was Three Goons in Eva?
Unit-06 fires the Rail Gun.
JOHN: There was room in the title.
The Angel pulls away from Earth.
JARED: What about Goon Genesis or Neon Goon?
Three contrails rise from the Tokyo-3 skyline.
JOHN: Quiet! You're ruining the preview!
Shinji and Asuka holding each other under a flowering tree.
ANDY: GOONS! IN! SPACE!
Rei staring out the classroom window.
JOHN: Are you finally writing again?
Kensuke arm-wrestling Toji and losing badly.
ANDY: No, I just came here to say that.
Kaji on a rooftop, casually leaning against an A/C equipment guard rail.
JARED: Talk about the Riot Stuff.
Misato in a kung fu stance brandishing a Chinese broadsword faces Ritsuko in a simple kendo stance with katana.
JOHN: Episode Eleven of Neon Genesis: Goonvangelion
JARED: Darkest Secrets.
ANDY: GOONS! IN! SPACE!
JARED: Wish You Were Here.
*   *   *
Author's Notes:
Amazing how much free time you find once you get off the WoW. I really hope we don't continue this bizarre and completely unintentional one-upmanship in episode size. It's like a freaking Loony Tunes arms chase. On a more serious note I do hope you enjoyed reading what I enjoyed writing.
Thanks of course go out to Jared for his help in writing, editing, and otherwise being there to bounce ideas off of. Give the man his props at rick_spiff__NOSPAMFORME__yahoo.com
I actually have thanks to Andy for being so energetic and creative. Now if he would only put his ideas to paper or .txt. Give him a poke for me at andygoboom__SENDSOMESPAMPLEASE__yahoo.com
And of course, I simply cannot leave without thanking you, the reader(s). I must say it surprised me to find out that people are reading this. I'm honored to be granted a portion of your time and very sorry that it takes so long to write these. I hope the wait has been worth it. So again, Thank you. Feel free to send "you're welcomes", suggestions, questions or even scoldings to anchorjg__HAVEVERYLARGERAILGUN__yahoo.com
Believe me, the more people we think are watching us, the harder we work. Otherwise this is just self-righteous masturbation. ... That would probably explain my surprise at discovering readers. No one likes to be caught well, you know. Yes you do, don't lie.
Regarding the Ki Disruptor:
We needed a plot device to shut down the Goons (and drum up the funny). Explaining how it worked seemed trivial... until we actually tried.
Basically, jamming RF is broadcasting 'noise' on a specific frequency. You don't need a lot of power to drown out other signals. You aren't trying to over-ride them completely, just add enough static that the original message doesn't arrive intact. While irradiating the citizens of Tokyo is something Americans wholeheartedly support (don't send us hate mail; this is a comedy, and sarcasm is par for the course), how do you jam ki?
Well, how does ki work? Heck, that's the easy part. The human body generates EMF already. Assuming ki is just a lot of EMF (enough for the light shows and gratuitous destruction), all you have to do is jam the right frequency, right? Well, it's not that simple. In order to do all the things that ki does, it operates on a huge range of frequencies. In fact, the only thing not jammed is the EMF frequencies needed by commercial and government agencies.
Building jammer of this size is, we figure, a significant technical problem. A problem not overcome until years of research made it possible, and a destroyed city made it necessary.
As for AT-Fields? Well, they're basically the same damn thing. And an Angel one hundred miles above the surface (HINTHINT) is practically unaffected by this device, while an Eva at ground level would be difficult to even sync with. So, it gets turned off during Angel attacks.
Don't ask us what it looks like. It won't ever be seen.
Once again, Mountain Dew Margarita Recipe:
	6 oz Mt. Dew (1/2 can)
	2 oz Tequila (or, you know, more)
	Juice of 1 lime
	Ice to suit
Best on the rocks, stirred. Better tequila will improve the drink. Skimp on the lime and your taste buds will revolt.
*   *   *

INT.  EVA CAGE FOR UNIT-04 - UNKNOWN TIME
Andy steps in front of Unit-04, under repairs from the battle. The Maniac fishes the synchronization clips from a pocket and takes off his Hawaiian shirt and pants, still in his plug suit.
ANDY: (growling to himself) Chemically induced, the kids reached 250% synch ratio going feral. Shinji reached 400% in canon when Unit-01 awoke to protect him. Kaworu Nagisa, being an angel, could control his synch ratio eventually breaching 200% and piloting the Eva remotely.
Andy settles himself before the feet of Unit-04 in his Half-Dead Lotus position and stares at the giant's motionless feet.
ANDY: Wiggle your big toe.

Fin.