For me, facing reality so far has been the hardest thing in my life I have yet to fully accomplish. The bad part is, I don't think I am going to be able to succeed as long as my emotions and feelings exist the way they do. To be able to face reality straight on, fight it through, and be able to live without hating it, would be my ultimate goal in life, though highly unlikely to occur.

Ever since I was old enough to understand television, and experienced the world of the internet, I've never been able to force myself to realize how much apart from society and reality I really am. Doing so, has been my greatest regret, as well, my greatest success. In that sense, its quite funny really, feeling the way I do. It's like having a secret weapon capable of two functions: death or life. On the flipside, crossing the brink of thinking reality was nothing but a television show, made me realize what it takes to make a friend, keep a friend, and create special bonds between the people closest to you. On the other side, it's distanced me away from the people that are physically close to me, mentally as well as physically, distancing me away from my potential as a person, not just a chat partner of some sort. Reality is life... life's a bitch... so its understandable why I've distanced myself, but sometimes I figure it's hurt me in the long run. Over the past 6 years of my life, I've felt more spaced out than I've ever been in the previous 11. Deja-vu after deja-vu, and coincidences galore make me wonder if this life I'm living is possibly a dream?

My second greatest goal in life, was to make a difference. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I'm determined to make a change, in either society as a whole, or individuals with their problems... like I've already done and continue trying to do. I know people would agree with me with this, but I'm definately different. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here. Is it going to make any difference? Sure, in the long run, I bet I affect peoples lives... some for the best, maybe, some for the worst, but I know it for a fact. Every person you meet, you change them in some way, shape, or form. This I believe. For every bad thing ever said about a guy... man... boy... whatever the case may be, I don't seem to ever apply really. That annoys me. The fact that every bad thing ever known about a guy has most likely been brought to my attention, thrown at my feet, and I can deny just about all of them. I have no doubt in my mind, that I'm not like very many, or any guy in this world. Why do I feel so different? I just want to know why I feel so distant... It's almost like I'm an outcast from my own society... Every person I've ever talked to whom has gotten to know me has said in honest opinion that I'm unlike anyone they've met before. Meeting me personally or not, they've said the same. It's no wonder I feel different. I've always felt that I was going to be something great, I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I've always felt like I was something better than everyone else, yet so pessimistic, so insecure, and yet so uncontrollably lost. It's no use.

My third greatest goal in life is to piece myself together. For every person I meet, and for every broken heart I render, a piece of me drifts away, never to be put back together. Love is a gateway to the soul, and for every heartbreak, tosses pieces of memory in the way of the gateway, making my heart heavy, shattering my hopes and expectations on life. Soon it all comes down to a single thing: Change. The thing in life besides lonliness that I dread the most. Changing from what I am today, to what I will be in the near or distant future is dreadful. What if I changed fate, became something I wasn't supposed to become? Become a University drop-out because I realized that what I chose to major in, wasn't what I was interested in the end at all... what then? Everyone praises me up to expectations, and I hate that. Has anyone ever praised me up to what I could actually perform? Do they even know? My mother looks at my brother as a High School drop-out right now. My brother had the chance to change it all in high school, but he chose not to. He had science wrapping around his finger, electronics were his life, but he chose not to continue. Not to get help in the subjects he was failing, and after repeating grade 11, he dropped out. Nothing makes you feel better knowing that out of your entire family of four, if I graduate this year, I'll be the only one of them that has made it this far. Being praised up because, "You're not like your brother" and "You can make it through, you have the ability" just makes me see how different my family sees me and how differently I really feel. My brothers into electronics, I'm into writing. Electronics has more of a future than writing ever will, and my brother threw that away. My brother was going to apply to Nova Scotia's Institute of Technology, but he threw away the opportunity. I think he even went to get a loan so he could go, but didn't apply on time because he was 'busy'. Now my expectations are raised even higher because my brother "doesn't have time" to apply. It's so stupid for me! I feel like I'm different, like I can be better. I get praised up, but yet, I still feel worthless, so stupid, like I mean nothing... its no use. so I ask myself, "why do I try?" just because I can and because I often want to know the answer. I step forward, and fall backward, I gain no ground and no progress, just defeat of failure. It's no use... or is it? I need to figure that out on my own time... but can I even do it on my own?